The Psychology of your 20s - 129. The psychology of oversharing

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

We all know the feeling of oversharing at a party or work function and feeling the sting of embarrassment and shame the next day. So why do we feel the need to overshare with others, even though it has emotional and mental consequences? In this episode we explore the psychology of oversharing, from the difference between trauma dumping and authenticity, why oversharing soothes our social anxiety or can be used subconsciously to fast-track a relationship. We also discuss the links to ADHD and the emotional aftermath, particularly the experience of a 'vulnerability hangover', as well as my 5 key tips to stop oversharing. Listen now.  Support me on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ThePsychologyofyour20s Follow us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the signs of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.

Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO. percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me.

I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people.

Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen and learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Owens, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian. Michael Mancini.

My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the podcast. the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what

they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode. Today we're talking about a topic we haven't spoken much about in the past. I actually don't think we've ever spoken about it at all, but when a listener suggested it,

it just absolutely grabbed my attention, not only as something that I have personally struggled with in the past, but also as somewhat of a quintessential 20-something experience and an experience, a phenomenon that has a lot of psychological underpinnings. And that topic is chronic oversharing. I think we've all been there. Let me tell you, we have all at some point in our lives said too much, said something we know we shouldn't have, and felt incredibly awkward in the days and the weeks that have followed. But why exactly? Do we as humans sometimes feel this intense impulse to tell people things they probably, A, don't want to hear? And B, we perhaps don't even want to tell them. So today we're going to break it all down. All of the psychology behind. this tendency. What exactly is oversharing? How is it different to authenticity? Why do we feel that embarrassment or that vulnerability hangover in the days that follow? And also just why do we do it?

Where does this come from? I also think most important of all is how do we identify the line between vulnerability and oversharing and prevent ourselves from crossing that line and maybe disclosing more than we are comfortable with. There is so much to discuss. It is such a fascinating concept, but let's firstly start with the basics. What exactly is oversharing? I think we all have an intuitive idea of what it means to overshare, to look back at a conversation as I said and just realize that this person now probably knows a lot more about us than we are comfortable with. Essentially, to overshare is a tendency to disclose an inappropriate amount of detail about our life to the wrong person or at the wrong time. I've been there, you know, being a bit too drunk at a

party or a work event and suddenly revealing some deep childhood secret or something about your friend that you know you shouldn't have shared. And that tendency comes from a lot of places. Sometimes it's social anxiety, just feeling so nervous in certain situations that you just try and find anything or any way to connect with others. Or you overshare because your anxiety has lowered your filter or your impulse control. There's also explanations to do with neurodivergence that we're going to touch on a little bit later. And also it might just be because you feel inadequate or boring and you're looking to your most embarrassing story, your most vulnerable moments to kind of feel a void in a social situation and make you feel more interesting. It also is a way

to speed up relationships to make people feel closer to you on an advanced timeline or just because we feel lonely. When we feel like our relationships don't have much depth or we're feeling detached, we can use oversharing, often subconsciously, as a means to create new bonds by escalating that depth of emotional intimacy. I think reasons aside, because we'll talk about them more in depth in a second, chronic oversharing, the repeated habit and behavior of sharing too much detail, it can also cause us a lot of regret and embarrassment, leading us to engage in some negative self-talk, telling ourselves that, you know, we should just shut up and that we're cringe and that people think we're weird. And I don't think that you deserve to feel that way or to have that

internal dialogue about yourself. I think it's less about the impression you're making on other people. I think that is a secondary consequence of oversharing and more about how it makes you feel about yourself. It's an important thing to remember that most of us have the best intentions when it comes to oversharing. As humans, we often use stories and personal disclosure as a way to build connection and to communicate our authentic selves to really show people who we are at our core. And there's often this very thin, intangible line between oversharing and being authentic. And I think the reason why that line is sometimes hard to see is because both acts, feel very similar in the moment and we can kind of struggle to identify what is meant to be kept

private and what can be shared, not just with close friends and family, but with acquaintances or co-workers or even strangers. So authenticity often comes from a very core place of honesty and realness. It's about not being afraid to share who you are regardless of the pressure you're under to do otherwise, regardless of the pressure you're under to look or act or behave a certain way. And part of that authenticity is being open and honest about your feelings and your experiences. Part of that is disclosure and sometimes making public what we often imagine to be private. We see this online a lot, I would say. That's like the best example I can think of where we have creators or influences.

the ones that we would call most authentic are normally those who are most willing to share personal details about themselves. And I think the reason why we call that authenticity is because truth and sharing and vulnerability, it builds relatability and it builds a sense of closeness. Essentially, we can look at the things they are saying, look at their stories, and we see ourselves in those moments. We see what we are personally going through reflected back at us and that causes us to feel less alone. So in that way, I think what some people may typically see as oversharing is also incredibly healing, not just for the person who is sharing this information,

but for the audience or those who are listening in. I think our acceptance of this level of candor really represents, I think, a pretty significant shift in our society. that we've seen in recent decades, especially in this generation, where it has become more and more acceptable to discuss things that previously were taboo and to make them known and to bring people into the details of your life, the good and the bad. And when I think about this, my mind immediately goes to topics like mental health, like sex, like a lot of details to do with our personal lives. These are no longer things to be shunned or shut away, but often at times shared in the public domain as we do on social media, as we do to create or consume authentic content. And so

as we as a society have become more liberal and more accepting of our capacity to be vulnerable with each other, sometimes that means oversharing. Sometimes that means kind of breaching the level of what people are comfortable with. And I think that's the main point here. Somewhere along the line, we have at times confused the idea of being honest with sharing our deepest, darkest secrets with the world. And I saw this amazing quote that I think really demonstrates the difference

between authenticity and oversharing, or even at the extreme, you know, trauma dumping. And what it said was that using vulnerability, is not the same thing as being vulnerable. We can sometimes expose personal sides of us when it's not appropriate as a resource, as a tool, as almost an emotional armor, perhaps to fast track a relationship. If you've listened to our episode on abandonment issues, you'll recognize this as a defensive mechanism where we unorganically really create closeness through excessive vulnerability,

maybe too early on, perhaps because your trauma or your story still kind of owns you in a way and you don't have an appropriate outlet for feeling overwhelmed or feeling triggered by past events. So you feel the need to verbalize rather than process or in some cases, and I don't think this is that common, sometimes we overshare or we, you know, use certain stories to gain sympathy, unconsciously. A lot of these reasons, though, are not intentional. They are themselves a symptom of what we're going through or what we are finding difficult to manage. Whether that is something from your childhood or a recent fight you had with a friend or a relationship issue, when we can't find emotional closure internally and by ourselves, we look outwards, we look to

others to give us that closure by sharing and gaining a different perspective and looking for a certain type of either validation or feedback. I think in particular treating social media somewhat like a personal diary or approaching acquaintances as if they are your therapist, that can have serious consequences, not just for you, but also for the people that you speak to or you share with and other important people in your life. Not only can it be bad for things like personal online privacy if you're sharing every detail, but we can kind of become addicted to the validation that is provided by strangers and we're unable to regulate our own emotional reactions without their input. Also, it can put other people in a really strange position, you know, including the

people that you love. If you're bitching to some random person at a party about, your boyfriend or your girlfriend and how annoyed you are at them and dishing out all the intimate details of your relationship that might seem appropriate and fine to you you may be happy to do that but that might not sit well with that other person you're in a relationship with who would prefer to keep those things private they might feel betrayed or that they have somehow been misrepresented questioning if you know that's how you really feel about them if that's what you really think when maybe you are just oversharing is a way to vent as an emotional outlet or in a moment of anger or stress.

Furthermore, I also think that this chronic oversharing can make us less approachable. It makes people around you at times feel uncomfortable. Not everyone is going to be on the same wavelength as you when it comes to honesty and vulnerability. So potentially it can lead to things like social exclusion or it can diminish the quality of your relationships. When we go as far to trauma dump as well, so this is a term referring to the tendency to unload traumatic events or experiences on others without warning or invitation, that also has more serious consequences. It can result in things like vicarious trauma,

especially if the person you're talking to feels somewhat responsible for either solving your problem or feels uncertain around you as to when they will be exposed to information. that could potentially personally trigger them. I think it's important to note, as always, we like to bring nuance to these conversations. It's not black and white.

And I do think that sharing can be incredibly healing. And this is not to say that conversations on hard things like mental health, like personal struggles, like painful experiences, are totally unacceptable

at all times. In fact, I think it's the complete opposite. Honesty can be such a profound healing good thing. However, it really depends on your audience. And I guess the appropriateness of the context, not just the people you're speaking to, but also what you're going to be able to get out of the situation, right? There's some particular situations where I think we implicitly know that not only have we potentially crossed a line, but also it probably didn't really help us

to overshare in that moment for whatever reason that we did. You know, sharing with someone we don't particularly know that well, especially if it is in a professional context or they're in a position of authority and that transparency has not been invited. That's a huge one. Sharing with someone who perhaps is too attached to the situation who has a vested interest. You know, I think it's a good reminder. Do not talk shit or overshare with someone's best friend that is going to get back to them or with the partner of a person you're having problems with or someone too close to the situation, some details are best kept between two individuals, but also sharing in a context whereby the kind of information you are communicating to someone

may make them feel really uncomfortable. And if they're unable to leave, that's going to make them look at you as someone who causes them discomfort. You know, telling your co-workers that you don't really know about your childhood trauma could either bring you guys closer or it could result in a HR complaint and make people really uncomfortable. It's a bit of a risk, I guess. And we all know the feeling of looking back at a situation and realizing that we shared a bit too much, probably more than we realized we were in the moment. And we feel really embarrassed. We cringe at our past selves who, you know, potentially couldn't control the impulse or just needed to get something off their chest. So this feeling that we are talking about, it actually has a term. It is known as

the oversharing on vulnerability hangover. And this was coined by one of our favorite people on the podcast, Briné Brown. And what it's used to describe is that anxiety, that shame and that regret we experience after divulging something highly personal. As one New York Times article put it, as humans, we have this competing need to build social connection, but also to maintain our own private, internal lives and spaces, and also to align our behavior to what is perceived as, quote unquote, normal in broader society. So the reason we feel this vulnerability hangover is because in hindsight the next morning, we are better able to recognize that this behavior or active oversharing has kind of crossed some invisible boundary of what is and is not socially

acceptable. We all have this very innate sense of certain social norms that have been ingrained in us since childhood. And these norms, they are what tells us, I guess, how to act. So one of them is around understanding the line between what is public and what is private. And although that changes based on the generation we're in, we have some intuitive sense of knowing when we've crossed this, because there is certain information that we still feel an inherent drive to keep to ourselves. Crossing that line, it results in uncomfortable feelings, which is essentially our brain policing, behavior. It's our brain saying to us, that probably wasn't right. That might lead to social rejection if we keep doing that. That maybe made the other person uncomfortable. So let's fall back in

line so that we don't risk social alienation. So knowing this, knowing that we have this internal almost system for preventing this behavior, why do we still do it? Why are some of us what we would term chronic oversharers, myself included at a time. So what I really want to discuss is some of the underlying psychological reasons about why we are driven or compelled to overshare, as well as some strategies to prevent yourself from feeling that intense vulnerability hangover or that shame when you've realized you've probably divulged too much personal information. So all of that and more after this short break. 2%.

That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical

and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side

a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either.

We always say that, trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends... Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands.

I said, oh, hell no. I vowed, I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-taped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs?

Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do a little kill? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it.

Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed. That's correct. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now.

Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite

therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing,

we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth?

Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, learn the hard way. Open your free, our heart radio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now.

So why do we overshare? Why do we have those moments of almost watching ourselves say way too much and not being able to stop ourselves at the time? Only to look back with regret and to cringe at our behavior. So we're going to talk about four reasons in particular. Firstly, oversharing as a way to externalize our problems or for emotional regulation. Secondly, the links with social anxiety and ADHD. Thirdly, intensity addiction. And finally, oversharing is a way to get attention, which isn't one of my favorite reasons.

I don't think it's that applicable, but I still think it deserves acknowledgement. So we've spoken about that first reason rather briefly, but sometimes we can spontaneously reveal too much information as a way to regulate uncomfortable feelings that have come up in the moment. Emotional regulation is essentially the process by which we alter. the intensity of an emotional experience for ourselves. And this explanation, this theory, it suggests that oversharing is essentially a way to do that. It is a coping mechanism in these moments when the thoughts in our brain become way too loud to internalize or to suppress.

And so we have to find an outlet, which means externalizing, verbalizing to the person closest to us. When we speak something out loud, I truly believe that the problem is halved and that it feels a lot less intense. Sometimes I think we feel that like, A, we're either taking away the power of this experience or this story, or be, we're kind of lessening the burden it has on our minds by putting or placing the burden with someone else. So this may explain why we kind of feel really refreshed and almost emotionally empty after having a really good vent to a friend. But in that moment, we are directing that information to someone who has proven that they want to be in that position or that they deserve our trust.

When we use a stranger, someone we don't know that well to emotionally regulate, although that may still help us process our emotions, it's probably going to be more short term. and it might leave you feeling a little bit strange after the fact. So the second reason we can find ourselves in this pattern of chronic oversharing comes down to anxiety and also neurodivergence as well. So let's discuss anxiety first. If you are someone who talks impulsively when you are nervous, who keeps jumping to different trains of thought or you find yourself telling story after story that may be a little bit

to revealing, social anxiety may be an explanation. And they did a bunch of studies on this, and in one series of studies, researchers found that anxiety, particularly in social situations, can lead to a phenomenon known as self-control depletion, whereby the more anxious we become, the more out of place we feel, the less control we have over our impulsive decisions, because all of our brain is kind of taken up with trying to monitor the social situation we're in or to try and fit in with those around us. One psychologist, and I'm really sorry, I cannot remember their name, but they put it this way. When we are in a situation that is stressful or out of our comfort zone, like meeting new people

for a lot of us, we use up a lot of mental energy trying to manage that other person's impression of us. we want them to think that we are interesting, that we are cool, that we are fun, and we find that silence is something that is really uncomfortable in those moments. So we kind of think of whatever we can say to manage that sense of awkwardness. And normally the thing that comes to mind is the thing that is least appropriate. So clinically anxious individuals such as myself, I'm going to shout out my anxiety here, but we're also quite you know, sensitive to rejection and sensitive to criticism. So if you're having a conversation with someone and you kind of feel like they're losing interest or they're pulling away,

you might try and rekindle that conversation or regain their attention by dropping intimate details about your life. You're basically trying to say, hey, like I'm worth listening to. I have things that are interesting to tell you and you're trying to reestablish that connection in the only way that your mind is thinking of at the time. The other important component that I think really falls into this kind of interaction between social anxiety and oversharing is alcohol, right? If our main trigger is social situations, particularly big, large social situations. Those are also the times when alcohol is normally around.

And it's a massive contributor to, I would say, most instances of oversharing in my life, because my inhibitions were lowered. I have less of a good read of the social situation I'm in because I'm not sober. So it makes us say things that we otherwise wouldn't. It's also really common amongst adults with ADHD and it's not as if these individuals are doing it on purpose or they even realize what they've done. The reason why it happens is because this condition makes it harder to control our impulses. And it lessens what we call in psychology our executive function skills, the part of the brain that is going to say, all right, this is not an appropriate time. It makes the decision for you. So when you have ADHD, that part of your brain is

not as functional as the average individual, I would say. And so you struggle to have that kind of almost safety net of control. There's a really fascinating guide on this website called Understood, which is focusing on people with neurodivergence and how they learn and how they see the world differently. If this particular situation, this reason applies to you, definitely. Check that out. On another level away from anxiety and neurodivergence, I think oversharing also links back to that previous point we made about our desire to kind of kind of fast track or heighten our intimate or social connections by artificially really creating closeness through disclosure. What do you do with your close friends? You share personal details about

your life. What do you do with your family or with your loved ones? You have that level of truth and that level of vulnerability. So the logic kind of follows. The kind of broken logic follows. if you want someone to be your best friend, share your personal intimate details, and that is a way to get to that point with them quicker. And this kind of boils down at times to this idea of intensity addiction. There are certain people who like their relationships to have this kind of incredible fast intensity. They want big emotions, they want big reactions, high levels of vulnerability and intimacy and closeness. And these people, fall in love, become attached really fast, often by oversharing really quickly, wanting to learn

everything about someone, even the really dark things, before they realize that intensity in those moments, it may not be the same thing as actual intimacy. And I don't think it's a surprise that this is often linked to people who have a fear of abandonment or an anxious attachment style or sometimes even emotional unavailability where they're trying to self-correct and go the opposite way, but they don't really know what the balance or the middle point is. And finally, our final reason, there is this idea that oversharing is a way to gain attention or sympathy. Now, I don't think we realize this in our subconscious minds in the moment. I really don't think that most people who are chronic oversharers are going,

about it intentionally to get attention from other people as a manipulation tactic. Not at all. I think it's more layered than that. It's more of a learned association or a habit that has been formed or developed over time. Maybe what you found is that if you are willing to talk really intensely about your sex life or if you're willing to tell everyone very intimate details about your life, your fights, your disagreements, your past, people pay more attention to you because that is very novel. That excessive honesty is very rare. It's interesting. It's fascinating. And humans are very nosy. It's why we like tabloids. It's why we like gossip. We want to know more about the people we are interested in, but only on the surface level. So it might get someone's attention,

but it may not necessarily lead to a long-term emotional bond. I also just don't think that everything needs to be shared in order to be validated or to feel important, although it's definitely a trap that a lot of us fall into with our use of social media. It's something I've learned quite a lot recently from the person that I'm dating. You know, he is not a big social media person. And it's really fascinating to me to see the differences that we have in terms of what he thinks needs to be shared online versus what I share online. And I think sometimes I've gotten into the habit of maybe oversharing, particularly on the podcast. You know, I'm thinking specifically right now about my ex-boyfriend interview because that was

incredibly personal, but we want people's attention. We want people to think we're interesting. So we commodify very personal experiences for their benefit. And that can definitely come back to bite us as I have learned, not just in that vulnerability, hangover, but also in very tangible consequences for our relationships, for our reputation, for how people think of us. And I know that that shouldn't matter as much as it does, but I think that it really does deep down impact the way we see ourselves and how we behave. So how do we know when and with who is it appropriate to share these things with?

because I'm not advocating for suppressing our feelings or hiding our experiences. I think that actually probably does more emotional damage than the occasional overshare. But like we said before, the two key factors here are context and relationship. If you find the need to externalize certain events to properly process them, that is totally okay. That is a totally fine way to emotionally regulate. but you should be doing so with someone you can trust and who you know will provide you with the response that will most benefit you. You know, don't beat yourself up for the occasional overshare or slip up.

We have all been there. I think it's part of the human experience. It's part of the learning curve. And trust me, that embarrassment will fade. But if you become a chronic oversharer and you're finding that the behavior is somewhat uncontrollable, here are some tips for regulating this habit. Firstly, when you find the need to overshare or you've found you're maybe saying things you don't want to, pause and redirect yourself, either by taking a step back from the conversation,

going to the bathroom or for a walk, calling a friend instead, and just turn the conversation back onto the other person by asking them a question. redirect what you're talking about. Here is a very well-known secret that I'm going to share with you today. People love talking about themselves. And giving people's space to talk about themselves will actually probably lead to greater emotional closeness than oversharing or needing to fill that silence with unnecessary details.

Being an active listener as well, it also gives off so much confidence. and it makes people feel more comfortable around you. You know, watch their eyes as they talk. Be conscious not to interrupt. Ask follow-up questions. Think about things they've said that have interest you as a way to prevent yourself from being perhaps put in a place where you feel the need to share something really embarrassing.

Secondly, I would say figure out what triggers you to overshare. Often the reason we share details or stories about certain events is because we haven't completely integrated them. And so we still feel the need to externalize them to other people. In other instances as well, our main trigger is social anxiety or feeling really awkward or uncomfortable. So the next time you are in a situation like that where you know you have a tendency to overshare, think about other things you could say instead.

And think about these things in advance. lean back on your sense of self-assurance and confidence in that moment. You don't need these other people to like you if you like yourself. And I think that that feeling of oversharing and realizing what you've done is going to be a lot more uncomfortable than the short-term discomfort of a few awkward silences or thinking that maybe you made the wrong impression. Something I like to think about is that these people don't matter until they show you that they do. They are just strangers living their own lives.

thirdly, journal instead of ranting or venting. Rechannel the urge into something that is productive. Someone said this incredible strategy to me the other day, before going into a certain situation where you might feel inclined to overshare, just spend five minutes, ten minutes before you leave, or on the train, writing down everything that might be bothering you that you don't particularly want to share with others.

Or call a friend and talk about those things beforehand. What that does is it gives our mind a place to actually productively deal with it rather than feeling like it's this taboo, awful thing that as soon as we have one drink we need to bring up to anyone and everyone who will listen. Fourth, in a situation where you really don't want to overshare like work functions or professional environments, avoid drinking alcohol or watch how much you're consuming. Obviously, most of us are not getting plastered at work during the day. I would hope not.

But after work drinks or work parties are a big source of next morning anxiety, especially after a lot of oversharing. Alcohol makes you less self-aware. It lowers your impulses. It lowers your inhibitions. And it's going to lead to some awkward stories every now and again. So I would say watch your drinks. Watch what you're consuming.

Finally, if you have found that you have overshared and you're experiencing a bit of a vulnerability hangover, a little bit of shame, I would really advise you to not grovel. Don't try and bring it up with the person. Don't excessively apologize or bring attention to it. I think we have this tendency to feel the need to do something immediately about the things that make us uncomfortable. And so you may wake up in the morning and want to message that person from the person. party and say, I'm so sorry for oversharing and, you know, I'm so sorry I'm on and on and on. I just think that brings the attention back onto the thing that you were talking about. It makes them realize that for you, it was a big deal.

And so for them, it becomes a big deal as well. You can own your behavior without needing other people to validate your experience of shame. Just try and process that on your own. or share with someone who is a close friend, realize that everything is temporary and they are less likely to remember it if you don't give them a reminder or a reason to. All right, I think that is all that I had for today.

I'm looking at my notes, and I think that's it. But honestly, I feel like we've covered so much. Honestly, I learned a lot. I learned so much exploring this topic that I'm definitely going to take on board in my own life. although since quitting my 9 to 5, I've definitely had fewer instances of oversharing now that I don't get drunk with my work colleagues every Friday. So I'm sending strength to all of you out there who understand that experience, who have overshared at the work party, overshared at Friday night drinks.

I have done that too many times to count, but now I'm getting better at it. I'm learning more to control the impulse. I'm seeing the reason behind it and that reason being that I'm socially-enighted. And when I'm socially anxious, I just go off on a tangent and would tell you literally anything you wanted to know if it meant not having an awkward silence. So that is something I am learning, something I am realizing, and I'm trying to do better at that. So I really hope that you appreciated and enjoyed this episode. As always, if there is someone who needs to hear this, who you think might enjoy it, please feel free to send them a link and leave a five-star review

on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. We have an Instagram if you have an episode suggestion or some thoughts, some theories, a question. At that psychology podcast, you can follow us over there, or my handle is at Gemma Speg. And as always, thank you so much for tuning in. We will be back next week with another episode. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available.

I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the signs of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person.

Listen to 2%. That's TWO%. On the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at a podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 is big to me. I'm Sam J.

And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it with our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year.

It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to learn the hard way with your favorite therapist and host, Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences,

having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor? It signals to the world that you're not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins, but the pregnancy

appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice in selling, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian. Michael Mancini. My mind was blown.

I'm Stephanie Young. This is love trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to a love-trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast. Guaranteed human.