The Psychology of your 20s - 130. Relationship anxiety and being 'forever single' in your 20s ft. Katy Bellotte

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

On today's episode we bring on the wonderful, Katy Bellotte, to discuss everything love, dating and relationship in our 20s. We discuss what it feels like to have never had a relationship in your 20s, the milestone anxiety and societal pressure that makes us to feel like we need to settle for someone we're not fully committed to, feeling behind and what it feels like to finally find the one. Katy also talks moving to New York City, what it's like to live your life online and managing expectations around social media. Listen now!  Follow Katy: https://www.instagram.com/katybellotte/?hl=en  Follow The Psychology of your 20s: https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/     See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. We have a special guest on for this episode. And I'm going to say I've been,

this was one of the first content creators slash podcasters I ever was a huge fan of. Back in the day of the early stages of YouTube. So it feels like a full circle moment to bring her on to talk everything, dating, moving to a big city, work, life, relationships. In our 20s, she has an amazing perspective.

So welcome, Katie. Hello, everyone. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. I feel like this is obviously a show about our 20s, and your, like, content really, I think, encapsulates a lot of what we're going through. If you don't know who Katie is,

she is a YouTuber, podcaster, content creator, also freelance graphic designer, is that correct? Yep. Yep. Yes, that's what I studied in college. That's what I'm like technically trained to do, but I do a lot of other things too on top of that. Yeah, which we like. You've got to have like diversity. You've got to diversify the career portfolio when you're young. And so I, the reason I really wanted to bring you on, like I said before, is, you know, a lot of your content has for me really highlighted what my 20 should be like as someone who's also highlighting that for other people. So it's like really interesting to see how, you know,

even when you talk about this every single day, you still sometimes need like other people to look to to be like, am I doing this right? Like, should I be doing something else? Oh, of course. What's going on? Imposter syndrome 101, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Have you, I'm sure you've experienced that so much given, you've been like on the internet since you were like 14, 15. Yeah, 14, 2009 made my first YouTube video. still up somewhere in the depths of the internet. But oh, of course, I've gone through so many phases with this. And I think especially with the emergence of TikTok, that really threw me for a loop. Like I entered that. And it's been a while since I was just extremely bad at social media. Like I always thought of myself as being the one that's good at social media. You know,

like I've, you know, grown this audience on YouTube and it translated into Instagram. And I even got a corporate job for a hot second that really was, you know, the reason for that job was because I was well-versed in social media. And then TikTok comes along. I start my account thinking, oh, I'm going to be, not, you know, to shoot my own horn, but I'm like, I'm good at creating content. Oh, my God. It took me probably a good six months just to learn how to use the app and be able to do like, you know, the sounds and and line up my mouth with the words. And oh, my God, props to everybody who like starts on TikTok, it's such a craft, like that I'm still learning. So yeah, imposter syndrome to the max, always. Oh, I can absolutely imagine. Because I'm in the same boat.

I cannot stand. Well, I love TikTok as a user, but I absolutely hate it as like a content creator. Oh, yeah. And so I don't even, I, it's, I just feel such like a pressure, like a pressure and a sense of, of dread and like, oh, if I'm not, if I'm not doing, if I'm not doing, if I'm on TikTok, like I'm not going to get as many opportunities. And for me, it's been like this whole mentality of being like, actually, you know what you're good at. You do this thing that's, you do well, and you really like doing it. And you don't like making TikToks and you don't like being too out there on social media. So it's like, how about you just focus on that and not try and be like in everything. You know what I mean? Right. I think we struggle with that as people that are like multi-hyphenate types

that consider themselves to be more than just one thing. Like I'm not, you know, an architect or a lawyer like on the social media creator there's so many different kinds of social media that you're working on it and so it feels like you have to do it all all the time oh my goodness yeah and you can't just be like it's so interesting if you i was like at this party the other day and someone was like what do you do for work what do you say to that what do you say to that well this was like everyone in the room was like a finance bro every single one of them was worked for like an investment capital i don't even know what what it's called And so I say one of two things.

Either I say I work in radio because that's, right? Like people could, people have like a relational narrative around what radio is and radio presenters. Or I just say that I'm an entertainer. But then I realized that that has other connotations the other day. Yeah. So like an adult entertainer. It's a bit vague.

Bit vague. Yeah. And it's like, so you're not a musician. You're not an actor. You're an entertainer. you a clown? Like, um, yeah. Because when you say like, I'm, I'm a content creator, you say I'm a podcaster.

Yeah. People do not know how to respond to that. It's one of those things where like I said, multi-hyphen it. It's like, I'm a podcaster, YouTuber, Instagram or occasional TikToker, tried threads for two days. You know, it's like you just dip your toe. You're a multi-hyphenate, like so many hyphenes. So I, I actually said like, I mean, I think about it as far as like what's on or what was on my hinge profile. I said social media.

occupation social media I work in social media typically when you say that there aren't too too many questions like it's like oh okay she probably works for an agency or like with people I hardly know I'm like I don't really need to give you the whole spiel unless you care to know more you know it's like yeah yeah the other thing that I think you talk about which I found really relatable which I said to you before I know has now changed um is your kind of approach to dating slash, I would say some of the milestone anxiety around the fact that you hadn't really ever had a boyfriend until very recently. Can you talk us through? There's a few stages to this that I think are really fascinating because I think that a lot of people message me and they're like,

how do I deal with this stigma, this anxiety, this desperation almost that I've never dated someone, everyone around me has, and I'm lonely. And I feel. like I'm missing out and I feel like there's something wrong with me. Can you kind of talk through what that, if you had that experience? Maybe you did it. Oh my goodness. Yes, I have. Yes, I have. I mean, it's evident in my content because I've, of course, filmed my whole life for the past 14, 15 years. And so like I go back and now I've been in this relationship, new relationship for three weeks now. I've met him two months ago on a dating app after 27 years of being single. 27 years of situation ships, of course, you know, a few month long flings where, you know,

you don't really even know what happened. One night stands going on a second date thinking it went great, getting ghosted. Like I have experienced probably everything possible in the realm of failed dating experiences. Like, you know, I've been the one to cut things off. Like I just wasn't feeling. I think it's one of those things where I grew up very, this is such a great thing. thing, but it has definitely affected the way that I live in love. My parents have the most beautiful love. Like the most beautiful love story, the way they met, the way they fell in love.

Like there's this whole like fairy tale feeling to it. And growing up like my parents never fought their best friends. Like they make fun of each other. They still like make out in front of my sister and I. We think it's like the most disgusting thing ever, but in the best way obviously because we're great we feel grateful because you know I have so many friends that their parents are divorced or they have you know there's just been problems in their parents relationship and so for me I'm like I'm so grateful for that but it definitely has kind of bled into my love life in the sense of like I'm comparing everybody like I didn't personally have any previous relationships to compare you know I'm in this new relationship now I have nothing previous to compare it to the only thing that I've ever

compared anything to is my parents love and it's It's one of those things where I'm, like, so grateful that I have parents that are in love. But it also, like, every time I go on a date or have gone on dates, in the back of my mind, there's that nagging little, like, well, like, will you love them? Like, your parents love each other. So then, you know, that's definitely been in the back of my mind, my whole, my whole dating journey, you know? It's very interesting what you point to there, which is that our first example of love is the relationship we have with our caregivers. and if we have parents that are still together,

the relationship that they have with each other. That is like our only blueprint, our only blueprint. Everyone is just following on from really what they saw in their childhood. And it's interesting because we know about, you know, attachment styles and things like that. But I think that we often talk about, you know, anxious attachment, dismissive, avoidant. But there are elements of a secure attachment as well that still make it hard to date and the fairy tale narrative and not wanting to settle but then having everyone be like well you're never going to find anyone with those standards right i heard i heard that so often i still

like i don't hear it anymore because obviously i have a boyfriend now but i hear it i used to hear it all the time where i'd be like oh is it really that much to ask that this person like treats me really, really well. Yeah. And is it, yeah, is it really that much to us that like I get flowers every now and again? Like what? Yeah. I mean, I think I'm definitely in, in terms of just how I love, even in my platonic relationships, like I love hard. Like I love, I don't love halfway. Like if I, you know, if I meet someone and I don't particularly mesh well with them, like, it's pretty obvious from the get-go because I, you know, when I like really latch on to someone and like I definitely have one of those types of attachment styles where like I'm always thinking about everybody that

I love like at all times of the day like a close friend of mine first day of work today I think she thought everyone forgot I'm texting her first thing and it's not not trying to say like oh I'm such a great person like whatever that's just the way I love and so it's tough when you you know you go into situationships or when you're ghosted and you don't receive that back like the reason why I chose or you know of course he chose me mutual choosing me being in this new relationship with this guy that I met on the stating app. I'm not disclosing his name yet. That's like the one thing I'm keeping under wraps. Keep it to yourself. So I'm going to refer to him as my boyfriend. But it's also so weird saying that. Like I haven't, you know, 27 years have never said,

oh, my boyfriend. Like this is so and so my boyfriend. So weird. But the reason why I've decided to finally choose him, like after years of being picky, years of not settling, even though people are like, hey, your standards are too high is because he gives me back. Like, he gives me what I need. I give him what he needs. And we have this like, it feels like a friendship, but just like times a million. It's like we have this great banter all the time. It's not just like when we're drinking, you know, which I feel like when I was dating. It was, you know, a lot easier after a few like gin and tonics like in the beginning.

But no, I like I feel like we have this like kindred spirits vibe. That is the kindred spirits. Like I feel like I've known him forever. And I've never felt. that before and I see parts of that like in my parents love which is comforting but I also I think through the years of doing this have realized like my love is not going to be the same as my parents love because you know I I don't I didn't grow up in the 80s this you know the 70s the 80s and times are different like I was really beating myself up for a minute there when I met this guy on this

on a dating app I was like no no I don't want to do it that way I wanted to meet him in person And I wanted to be at a coffee shop and he asked me what book I'm reading. Like that's what I wanted. But, you know, we live in a different age now. So the fairy tale story is going to look a little different, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't feel the same. Yeah. And I think it's like, I know.

I do know what you mean. It's like having a good story. Like I think me and my ex had a great story. Our like first time meeting was like was out of a fairy tale. And like I've talked about it before, but like I was his waitress at a bar on his 21st birthday. they and he was there with his mom and his mom ended up giving me his number when they left and it was like to be and like ran back in and gave me the number and he didn't know and basically it was this whole beautiful story that didn't change the trajectory of our love right it which is

so interesting it actually it it was a nice story and it was nothing more because if the relationship isn't good you know a story is only as good as long as you can tell it and once you've broken up you can't tell it anymore because do you know what I mean the content of the relationship isn't great I just got chills like hearing that you're so right really yeah it's like at some point you know the story ends and it's not something you talk about it's either yeah there's this Taylor Swift song the story of us and she's like you know kind of discussing like what will our story be will it be like love or an end and you know that was that song was made so long ago I wonder if she even thinks about that story anymore You know, it's interesting.

That's a really good question. Let's give her a call. Call her up. Why don't you just call Taylor up? I was like, is she going to say it or am I going to say it? No, one of us has to say it. Yeah, no. Yeah, like, and I think it's interesting because our stories now have a lot of parallels.

And I really weighed, like, after my last relationship ended, I was like, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not doing situationships anymore. I'm not doing one-sided. anything. And I made like this list of like what I was looking for. Did you have a list of like non-negotiables or did you just know them? I just know them. I there was a point living in New York. I mean, there's a lot of opportunities here because there's a lot of people here and a lot of single people here, especially in your 20s. I feel like people oftentimes don't settle down here until they're in their like mid-30s and it's completely natural and normal like in the city. It's just kind of,

it's not like a shocking thing to hear, oh, like yeah, they're getting married at 36. like, you know, and that, not to say that's old, but, you know, my mom and dad got married 27, 28. So you always kind of have this like freak out moment because I'm 27 now turning 28 in October. So I'm like, oh, my God. But New York does give you that comfort of like, oh, I have time. So that's like a plus of living here. I feel like people, you know, career first, having fun first, which can always, you know, can be a positive or a negative depending on how you look at it.

But I know, but I, it's this thing of like milestone anxiety. where it's like, yes, right? And it's so cultural and like societal and contextual because I like, it's so interesting that you're talking about how in New York it's like everyone, they commit a little bit later. They have,

they feel like they have more of this, this like time carved out for freedom. But like amongst the people that I'm around, I would say the majority of them are in their early 20s and either live with or have a very serious partner. Oh, yeah. Especially like it. in Australia, I think, but also in the places outside of the major cities.

Yeah. Look, I have friends who, like, moved in with their boyfriends at, like, 22. Got engaged like 23, 21. Oh, yeah. People from my hometown. Absolutely. Facebook was a scary place, like, for a few years there for me. I mean, even still, like, it's like, I open it up.

I'm like, oh, another baby, another engagement. And look at me. But, yeah, New York definitely has that element of, I think people, you know, there's not as much of a rush. Granted, I always, as a woman, feel like there's a bit of a rush. Like, you know, you always, I'm already looking into, you know, maybe when I turn 30, that's what I, you know, I freeze my eggs. Like, I, I'm not ready for that right now. But your question about, like, did I have, like, a checklist or something when I was, like, going on dates?

No, but there was a point there when I was going on, like, actually two, potentially three dates a week. Like, I was just plowing through it. I mean, not that I was, like, desperate to find him or whatever, but mostly because everyone's doing it. which I think is like really, really quite like valuable, right? Because I feel like when I was single, I always felt this pressure to like to meet someone and to be like, and to be like my friends, right? To be like happily with someone at 23. But then I also have this mentality of like, is that actually what I want right now?

Because I really like being single. And I like that I have my independence and I like that I. I'm able to do my own thing. And it wasn't that like someone's going to detract from that, but it's like if I'm going to add another person in here, they better be really, really worth it. And it's like interesting that I think from a lot of those experiences I had where I was dating people who like wouldn't commit or who were like quite awful or who,

um, you know, would ghost me like you said after like a couple of dates or I would, you know, unfortunately ghost them or. And it was like, kind of sick of being treated like a second option or I'm sick of being treated poorly and I took like six months I took six months off um from dating and I was like I'm going to give the dating apps one more try like I'm just going to do it one more time and I was like you know when you like are on dating

apps and you're like I don't actually really want to talk to anyone yep yep I just feel like I need to be there I wanted yeah I've I've been in that realm as well where I just like want like a little confidence boost I'm like, oh, all these people like me? Amazing. I'm going to do nothing with this. I'm not going to reach out to a single person. Wait, are you teeing up the fact that was the last date you went on, like the last date in your mind, you're like, oh, this is my last one, was when you met your boyfriend?

Yeah. I wasn't tearing it up. Oh, my God, really? Yeah. So actually crazy enough. I don't know if I, like, fully believe in all of this, but a year ago, May, 2022, I went to see a psychic, with my friend Colby, who you know from the podcast from Matchmade, went to see a psychic. Like we were just having a drunk night, got pizza, psychic was right there.

You know, why don't we just pop in? See what she has to say. Got my palm red, did the whole thing, was giggling the whole time. She goes, in a year's time, you are going to meet the love of your life. And I'm like, okay, lady, sure. Like, sure. I just got chills. That was May 22.

May 2020. three, not too long ago, I set on my podcast, guys, I'm so sick of the dating apps. I'm so sick of situation ship after situation ship. So sick of me even going on dates and being like I am, I'm just like not clicking with people. Like I'm so sick of this. Like I, it's summer. I'm going to go on one last hinge date of summer.

I'm deleting the app after that. Like I just need a break. I wasn't like, this is when I'm going to meet the person. I was like, I just need a break. I matched with my now boy. friend May 2023 a year after I saw the psychic. And it's crazy because I didn't even remember this. A podcast listener pointed this out to me. I completely forgot about this psychic experience. I mean, I was like drunk and it was a year ago and like, you know, time flies. A lot, a lot of

dates since then. But yeah, and now we're official and I'm dating him. Isn't that crazy? It is. I actually not chose when you said that like a year later. And the fact that you're like, like this lady, she just wants to sell, you know, the extended package for more palm ratings. I mean, she probably did, but like, alas, it ended up being kind of cute. Yeah, but it's like, it's so funny when you're like, you have that skepticism. And I think it's really, so I have this theory, right, is that when you are finally at your wits end slash, like, highly skeptical, your guard is most up. And so you're better able to actually discern someone's character.

and also you're not looking for it. And when I was single, I absolutely hated the phrase. It will come when you least expect it. Oh my God. Don't even get me started on that one. Don't even get me started. I was like, I am a very... People love to say that.

Yeah. They love to say that. I will never say that to anyone. Me neither. Because I remember how it felt to hear that. 27 years of being single, like, oh, my God, you know. Yeah. It's a tough one.

Also, when people say that, that they're like, you know, it'll happen when you least expect it. It's like, I'm a very anxious person. I'm always expecting everything. Like that is the... No, I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm always expecting a love story to happen every day of my life. I fall in love six times a day with people on the street. So like, no, I'm always expecting it. So am I just never going to find love? Like, is that, you know? Exactly. And I'm also like, that is ridiculous because you can be very intentional and meet someone amazing. Like, you can be set up. Like, it's, I, I hate that. It's a numbers game. It is a numbers game like we were talking about.

It's a number's game. It's interesting because like when you were just discussing your new boo and how you were like, I'm going to go on one more date. Same thing. This is kind of crazy. And also I have not really spoken about this on the podcast. I'm kind of like hard launching here. Ooh, okay.

But he's, I've talked to him about it. So like I know he's fine with it. And he's probably listening right now because he's a good boy and listens to all my episodes. But it was really interesting. because I had been in Bali, actually. And while I was in Bali, which is like the Australian version of going to like Mexico,

like going to like Cancun, like you go to Bali. Yeah. And I was there with like a bunch of people who were like freshly single. I mean like straight out of relationships and they were like ready to get it on essentially. And they were like, we're in Bali. Let's like have heaps of sex and go on heaps of dates. And I was like, oh my God, I feel really left out. I was like, I've got phomo.

yeah, I want to do that. And so I downloaded it and I matched with one person and that was him. And then... Chills. Chills, chills. But then I ghosted him, which is, yeah, because I was in Bali and I had lost my phone and I was just like, I'm having the best time. Define ghost, how long?

It was like two days, three days. Oh, okay. And he'd like, ask, well, it wasn't great. And I like, it's a soft ghost. It's a soft ghost. And it was interesting as well. Yeah, because you technically ghosted your man as well. Oh, for a full week, he spelled my name wrong.

Of course I did. I said, you come back. I'd like send him to time out. You come back. I'm going to give you a no reply. Come back when you've learned your lesson and you can spell my name right. Because I'm not going on a date with someone who doesn't know how to spell my name. Yeah, no.

That's absolutely the bare minimum. The bare minimum. But I like, I like, yeah, I ghosted him and he like asked me this amazing question. and he like he came he was like I don't like small talk I'm going to ask you 10 questions about like yourself wow how thrilling yeah yeah but I'm going to say best dating advice ever if you're a guy listening to this which I'm guessing there's not many of you but if there are you getting a really amazing golden nugget of advice here do that ask the questions straight away cut through the small talk and it was so impressive and then we went and then I came back and I was like I'm so sorry I goes to do all this things

happened. I also ran into an ex while I was over there, which was actually, it was closure, though. I was like, oh, my God. I think it was like the final thing because I hadn't really been committed to dating because I was still so upset and like hurt by what this person had done to me. And then I saw him again and I was like, yeah, right, we're done with that. I was like, done, moving on. And then I was like, all right, let's go on a date. And I went on the date and I was like, same reaction. I was like, wow, I was like, this is such bad timing for this to be happening right now. Because I was like, this is what it's going to be. And I was like, this is just terrible timing.

So I was like, I'm about to move. All this stuff is happening. But I think in terms of your story, I really find that it would be highly relatable to people who message me and are like, I've never had a boyfriend, right? And we feel a lot of pressure around that, which we've spoken about. What kind of advice would you give to them now kind of on the other side, right? It's such a thrilling story to be like to see that transition. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, of course, I've struggled with it. You know, it's been 27 years of occasionally feeling like, wow, look at me. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself for not settling.

I'm proud of myself for not entering a relationship with someone that I just knew in my bones was not right. I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns. But then Valentine's Day rolls around. Or, you know, you see a TikTok of people who met when they were 22 and then fell in love. already have three babies by 27 where I am now. And you start comparing yourself. And, you know, it's one of those things where it's, there's really good days of like, wow, look at me go. I'm proud of myself.

Like, you know, I have this epic career that I've crafted from the ground up, you know, this job that I have that has like been my life that I'm so passionate about. And yet I get like into this, this funk of like, oh, but I'm single. But like, it's like, oh, I'm like, oh, one day my life will be completely. when I have everything, when I have it all. And of course, you know, you lean on like the TV shows. Carrie Bradshaw said like in New York, you're always looking for three things. A boyfriend, an apartment, or a job.

And I'm like, well, I have two. I have a fabulous West Village apartment that I'm like so proud that I'm unhappy with myself that I'm able to live here. And I have a great job. But then there was always that missing piece. And I always, of course, you know, I'm one of those types of thinkers. I like to look into the why. I'm very curious, have always been.

I'm assuming a lot of people listen to your podcast also are very curious. And it's a blessing but also a curse because you tend to want to know the reason for everything. So I looked at myself of a single girl at 27 and I'm like, okay, let's just go through all the things that must be wrong with me because like there has to be. I'm like, you know, there has to be because I look at my friends. and I'm like, oh, well, you know, they have a boyfriend, but this is how they are different than me. And this, maybe I should be less present on social media. Maybe that's a turnoff. And you also, like, kind of take with you every negative thing that's ever been said about you,

especially by a man, if you are interested in men. Like, I, everything, every negative thing a guy has ever said to me, like, lives on me, like, you know, a tattoo. Like, I haven't forgotten. Third grade, Harry Arms. that was like my biggest insecurity. Someone said that to in third grade? Someone

like yes early on pointed out the hairy arms and so you know of course I'm like mom I need to shave I need to shave and she's like I'm not shaving arms years later I do shave my arms now and I'm like it's like it was one of those things I made the decision in college but of course

I still remember all of that so it's one of those things where you never forget and you use those things to hurt yourself when you're in those moments of like maybe I'm not the most powerful, most amazing girl in New York. Maybe I'm just, there's something wrong with me and you feel lonely. But I have to say, like being on, quote, the other side of it now, like, oh, you know, I am, I'm 27 with my first boyfriend. It's all very new and very exciting and, but also very much like, I still think to myself, you know, did I make the right decision?

Like, did I? But then I remind myself, I'm like, I'm not getting married. Oh, no. So it's like there is, you know, you get into the relationship and it's not like all of your worries end, you know? Yeah. I think that's the one takeaway that I'm feeling. It's like be picky, don't settle. Don't listen to people that are like your standards are too high.

Not true. I mean, you're not going to find a perfect person. I think we're all aware of that. And being someone that was told that, don't settle. Like, you know, don't or do settle pretty much. Like, you know, you need some experience on your belt. No. BS. Like I, my boyfriend now has had girlfriends in the past, not super recently, but like in the

past. And I think the best thing has just been super honest, like being super honest up front with him being like, hey, he was fully aware before he asked me that this was going to be my first. He's taken it very seriously, but been very like gentle with it. And he's like, so find someone that's like that. Oh, yeah. Honestly, they're out there. They exist. They really do. I don't know. the ones that like want they want to commit they want the commitment from you like they want you know to have that like label but not for the wrong reasons and yeah it's just been it's been a learning experience all of it he knows everything everything that i've always been insecure to share especially having this career where my life is my job and posting about it and he's been so

great with that like with not worrying last night he was was like, so I think some of your followers found me on LinkedIn. I'm like, I follow about 3,000 people on Instagram. I also don't even like use my LinkedIn. So I don't, I don't know how they could possibly do it, but people are very smart. Anyway, so I was like in horror sitting at this bar listening to him talk about, oh, like I think a couple people like found me on LinkedIn. But he's not saying it in like a proud way. He's saying it in just a matter of fact, like this is what happened. And I was waiting for him to be like mad about it or like any sort of like anger because I've experienced that in the past with people that I've been in like situationships with and I've talked about

on the internet and he goes oh I think it's you know it is what it is these these people are super sleuths like he's like just you know treating everything like it's just another day I don't want to worry about that with him which has always been something that I've like held my breath like I went on a date actually very conveniently very funny at the exact same bar that I went on my first date with my boyfriend in same bar with a guy who I met actually in a more, you know, romantic way. Like, we met out, and he, like, came up and asked for my number and, you know, did that whole thing. And we went to this bar, had drinks, and we're talking about other things.

And then all of a sudden he's like, oh, so what do you for work? And I was like, oh, explaining my career. And he goes, oh, I'm sorry. You were perfect till he said that you're an influencer. I can't date an influencer. He pays a check, walks out, literally. But how it's so interesting, so it's the same bar that I met my now boyfriend in. A year later, a year and a half,ish later.

Yeah. Yeah. So, of course, that's something that I'm guarded in that way. Yeah. I'm like, oof, I want to protect my one first love, my first love being the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. YouTube, actually, YouTube being the first love because podcast is more recent.

But, you know. Same thing. The community almost. Like, no, yes. Like my girls. My people. My people. Like, come on.

You think that you'll ever come first? I have all these girls that have been with me since 2009. Like absolutely not, honey. It's not happening. So interesting, though, like, I'm going to refer to another Taylor's Swift song here, which is Invisible String, which is like how interesting that you went on that date with that person who, by the way, dodged a bullet because if anyone ever said that to me, I would be incredibly upset. But also actually, I would just lose all respect for them.

Like, what do you do? Narrow-minded. I mean, he was a finance. Finance, bro, classic, just, like, thinks that all influencers are, like, boneheads, which, come on. Actually, we have a lot of street smarts and book smarts to be able to do something like this. Yeah, you're running your own business. You are entire, you're paying your own bills.

You have to think about brand management, marketing, the future. If you work in finance, someone's going to tell you what to do day in and day out. Like, I'm sorry to say it. Like, and I think that's... I wish you were there to tell him that. I know that your current boyfriend works in finance, but he does not count. He is... Yeah, no.

He's different. Oh, he is different in many ways. Yeah. But it's that invisible string, right? Where it's like, only in hindsight can you look back and be like, all of those things that felt really terrible at the time and that were really disappointing had to happen. to get me to this point. And so I really think that when I think in this,

you know, when I'm talking to people who have never had a relationship, have had their hearts broken a lot of times, wonder if they'll ever find someone, it's only with hindsight that you see how everything, and I know it sounds awful, but does happen for a reason, or that if you're happy with your current self,

you can't be mad at your past self because that all of those things needed to happen to get you there. be a completely different person, perhaps a lot less happy if those painful things maybe hadn't happened previously. I completely agree. Like every past version of myself has kind of been, like I picture it being like, you know, when you put your hands together and someone, you can like launch someone up over a fence like that. Like that's, I picture it like a chain of like Katie's with different hair colors because I've gone through many phases. Just like boosting, boosting me up until I've gotten to meet this incredible guy that I know with, you know.

And it's it's been a journey because I just have trusted my gut the whole time. Even if even in the times where like it's been kind of hard, like I've let people go that ended up being like, you know, I think back to this one particular, which was kind of like my first. I have never been in love like to this at this point in time. Like I feel like I could get there with this current guy. I'm not rushing things. I really like him a lot. But of course, I'm like, you know, I'm trying to be slow and steady and listen to myself and not rush into things. But my first, like, time getting close to feeling that way was with this situation ship guy that I, you know, started in college. I met this guy in high school. And it ended up being one of those

things where, like, he was a few years younger than me. But in college, we like continue to talk. Every time I come home, it was like one of those like hometown romances. And I was, like, I was the one long story short I was the one to end that because I just didn't feel like there was a spark like I didn't feel like we had chemistry I mean he was like a he was a really interesting guy very cool guy but I felt like specifically sexually we just didn't have chemistry like it just it always felt like wrong and awkward and just not like loving it all so I ended that with him like kind of slow faded him out to be honest with you and of course I opened Facebook like a year ago and he proposed to his current girlfriend and Paris and he proposed to his current girlfriend and Paris and And there's that moment where you're like, that could have been me, you know, if I wasn't so darn picky. And then you start to second guess your decisions. And I'm like, wow, like if I had only. But then you think, no, no, no, you got to trust that past version of yourself because

she knew what she was doing for her in that moment. And it's all led you here. Even if you feel like you're, you know, sitting here empty handed. No, like it's for the best. Like that could have ended in, you know, what if. we were getting engaged in Paris right now. Like we could get divorced next year. Yeah.

And that's not what I want to set myself up for. I mean, it happens inevitably sometimes, but like you don't want to set yourself up for that just by settling, you know? I totally agree. And it's also I think about the people who, when you said that story, like I think about the people who I, who I really mourned and who moved on and I wish that I had been with and I wish that they'd love me and I wish that I hadn't let them go. And now I'm like, and at the time, I was like, oh my God. I miss them so much. Now I think about them in hindsight and I'm like, can I, can you imagine having

children with those people? Can you imagine, imagine having to, you know, manage finances with them. Imagine taking them on a family vacation. Like, absolutely not. Imagine having sex with them for the rest of your life. Literally, that's what I was thinking of. I'm like, but Katie, remember why you left. Remember why it didn't work out? And that's that. Yeah, you do find yourself morning. because you selectively forget all the bad stuff. Oh, yeah. It's like, again, Taylor Swift, she's like, I'm over you until I forget why I needed to be over you or whatever that line is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I stopped calling you and then I forget why I needed to stop. You know, you forget, but you don't, but you do. You know, it's one of those things. It's like actually this thing. It's called like positive retrospection. So like when we look back at our past, our brain often like suppresses the bad things and keeps all the good stuff because it wants us to like yeah it wants us to be optimistic it wants to protect our self-esteem it wants to protect our mood

and so when you look back at a relationship and you can only remember the good things that is that is that is why that is why it's because your brain is like playing tricks on you to make sure that you continue to be positively reinforced and don't like end up in a deep duck Give up. Yeah. Yeah. Literally. I mean, it's a blessing and a curse, huh? Yeah, absolutely. Might repeat past mistakes, but yeah. You learn them a few times over and they're really reinforced. You double dip. Yeah, literally. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available.

I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental top. toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will kind of,

out on the other side, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends.

I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care, so they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed. I will be his last target.

He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people.

I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it.

Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so you all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack, so I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now, so. Thank you finishing that sentence.

Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing,

We get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth. Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro.

Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Keer Gaines, is we have. have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. You live in New York. I feel like that's a dream for a lot of people. You work for yourself. You have the three things Carrie Bradshaw was always looking for. An apartment, a boyfriend, a job.

But I think it's really interesting. Another thing in our 20s that people ask me about, quite a bit is moving to a new city and how to build community. And I'm wondering if you could speak to that, especially since you're in one of the biggest cities in the world. How do you build community? How do you make new friends? How do you find a home in a new place? Yeah.

I mean, I definitely consider myself to be one of those like introverted extroverts where I, I'm good with people. I'm good with like with new people. but I have to be in the mood and my battery dies quick. It's like that's how I feel. And so moving to New York, I was actually the first of, very fortunately a lot of my friends also ended up getting jobs here right out of college. I moved here a month after I graduated college.

I'd gotten a corporate job. They wanted me here, so it actually worked out perfectly. But a bunch of my friends lived in New Jersey. So they were just commuting in, taking the ferry into the city, still living at home, saving money. but I am from Maryland, so it's a little bit too far of a commute, so I just, I needed to move here, and I needed to move here fast. So I picked like the cheapest, you know, decently close to my, my job apartment I could find in Hell's Kitchen, ended up being mouse-infested, coffersed,

oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, but I grew in, like, if that didn't scare me out of New York, like, you know, you know you belong here, if that. That was my first, I felt like, you know, I was in never grow up, Taylor Swift, like, I tuck myself in and turn the nightlight on. Like, that was me, like, every night for, like, the first, like, three months until, like, people started visiting me at least. So I had to, you know, cultivate a sort of community fast because I, being this, like, introverted, extrooted person, like, I definitely need people or I tend to go insane, especially. I mean, this was when I was still at my corporate job, so I had, like, a bunch of, I had

co-workers, thank God. I don't know how I would have done this, like, this current free. Lance life that I live in my first year. Like, it was tough because I was also young. I was, you know, fresh out of college, like, had lived with my sorority house, like, really recently. Like, I was just used to having, like, girls around all the time. So it was hard to adjust.

But I think, like, my biggest piece of advice or, like, strategy, I did a lot of sliding into people's DMs on Instagram. Interesting. And I still do. And I have no shame. Like, I find. people in so many different ways. I mean, TikTok makes it so easy now because also they give you, like, they kind of feed you

people in your area. Like, I get a lot of New York content on TikTok. I don't know if everyone gets that, but like I think, like, when I'm home in Maryland, they get Maryland content. Yeah, yeah. I get city content. I think TikTok knows these things. Right.

So, like, you can kind of find, and especially with TikTok, you can find kind of like, you know, micro creators as well, like people that are just, you know, everyday people that are just posting their outfits, which, like, I love that. I follow a ridiculous amount of people on TikTok now that just for like outfit content. My God, really? That aren't like your typical influencer, but they're influencing me. So I would find someone like that. I mean, back, you know, just on Instagram and whatever.

And I was just like DM and be like, hey, like I love your outfit here. I love your vibe. Whatever. Literally slide in and be like, do you want to get coffee or drinks and whatever? The worst thing they can do is like open it, not reply. You know, just say, yeah, sure, but never coordinate a time. it's kind of like a dating app. Like you're not always going to get a hit, but you actually, you might.

I mean, I've actually met people recently that have told me that they've used Bumble BFF as well to do a very similar thing. It's like if you don't want to, if you don't feel comfortable doing it over on TikTok on on Instagram, BFF, like you can find friends that way. And I think the thing about New York is people are always, you know, I at least personally feel people are always willing to expand their circle because it's not like, You know, it's, oh, hey, let's meet at this bar at 7 p.m. Or, like, this restaurant.

It's, like, it's easy, I think, because we're all kind of close together, like sandwiched together here, at least. But at any place, I mean, BFF is a great way to do it. Just shamelessly sliding into DMs. Like, I think it's the most fun story that, like, a few of my friends that I'm very close with now. I'm like, oh, yeah, Katie slid in my DMs. Like, they're like, Katie, yeah, I did.

No shame. Absolutely no shame. And then through that, I've actually, I joined a book club through that. Like, yeah, you just got to get your foot in the door. And it's really not awkward. It's not, like, you might feel like it is. But everyone, everyone's just trying to, like, find their people, especially in a big city. Because, like, big cities are the places where you can feel the most lonely.

Totally. You know, surrounded by people. Yeah. spot on. I think that's so spot on. One more I'm going to add to that list, which I'm sure you did. Ask to be friendship set up as well. So like when I... Ooh. Yeah. Tell me more about that. This is like something that happened to me when I moved to Sydney. So like Sydney is the biggest city in Australia and not as big as New York. It's still tiny. But I moved from Canberra, which is like no one knows where that is. It's like a tiny. It's like our capital city. It's tiny. and I really didn't know anyone and I wasn't working.

And so the first, and I had just gone through a breakup. So it was just like I was like peak loneliness. And I like messaged one of my friends and I was like, do you have any people who live in Sydney who you think I would like? And she was like, as a matter of fact, I do. And she put us both into a group chat together was like, I think you two would be friends and then left the group chat. And so we were kind of awkwardly there being like, do we get a drink?

And we were like, yeah, let's do it. And this is like, like, flash forward, fast forward, I guess. This, like, friend of mine, like, came on my family vacation with me last year. Like, had New Year's and Christmas at my house. And I'd known her for, like, seven months. And it was like, I just met like a soulmate. So you never know. You never know.

They just come out of the woodwork and you're like, how can we, how come I've never met you before? Like, right. What was I doing? And then you can't imagine your life without them. Like, it's like. Genuinely. And you wouldn't. of and then you have that moment of being proud of yourself, which I think life is all about just

like finding reasons or creating reasons for you to feel proud of yourself. Yeah. You know, taking risks, doing things that like require a lot of bravery. Life is all about just like collecting those moments. So like when you're at a low point, you just sit here and think, wait a second, though. Like I maybe I, this is something bad that's happening to me and I'm like not feeling my best right now. But look at all the stuff that I've done.

Look at all the times that like I went out there and tried, even if it wasn't, reciprocated even if it didn't work out and like look at all look at the life that I've created for myself feel the fear and do it anyways right like you've just got to amen I love that saying I know we're like me too it's a pump up episode I'm like life advice you're going to get it all even if you didn't ask for it unsolicited well I want to thank you so much for coming on the show I of course and I would really I just want to plug all your content I'm going to say this I was watching Katie's YouTube channel when I was in high school. And it was so funny because you went to like university like two years before me, college, sorry. And I was like, oh, this looks fun. Like,

I'm going to go to a campus and like go to a dorm and like do all these things. And so I feel like it's just like big sister advice. You always providing me with the big sister advice. And I really think that your content is so evergreen and beautiful and inclusive and warm and very like, pretty. I know that sounds so weird. Pretty. I feel like I ended on a bad one. Beautiful. I like pretty. Pretty is a good word. It's just, it's good. It's probably top of mind, summer I turn pretty, you know. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. So where can they find you if they want to hear more from you? Sure. You can just type my name into most social media platforms and I have some sort of footprint there. It's Katie with a Y. Don't mess it up like my boyfriend did the first time.

K-A-T-Y-B-E-L-L-O-T-E. Belotti pronounced like Pilates, but spelled B-E-L-L-O-T-E. Type that in most everywhere. I have this podcast called Match Made in Manhattan, which is like my newest baby with my two best friends. We talk actually like in-depth. We share way too much on there. Every episode ends up being explicit rating.

We produce, it self-produced, self-film, and record in my apartment every week. and you guys should definitely check it out because we talk about the ups and downs of dating. It's really, really good. It's people always ask me what podcasts I listen to. Imagine Miami Manhattan. That's my background podcast. No, it's so great.

It's so weird being like asking your questions about yourself as if I didn't hear it on the podcast. It's so awkward. But I want to thank you again for coming on board. And as always, if you enjoy this episode, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcast, Spotify. wherever you're listening right now, if someone needs to hear this episode, if someone needs to hear Katie's wisdom, my wisdom as well, I guess.

Please send them this episode. And if you have an episode's suggestion, follow us at That Psychology Podcast to send it through there. Thank you as always, and we will be back next week. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%.

I break down the signs of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO% on the IHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me. I'm Sam Jay and I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it with our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors.

Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist

and hosts care games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor? It signals to the world that you're not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast,

or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins, but the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice in so much, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Gillespie and Michael Marantini.

My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is love trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast. Guaranteed human.