The Psychology of your 20s - 146. Roommates and sharehouses in our 20s

Episode Date: November 23, 2023

Living in sharehouses in our 20s are like their own weird, social experiment. We put together a group of people with different upbringings, personalities, lifestyles and standards under one roof and expect it to work out. Sometimes it does, other times it doesn't and we see social harmony break down. In today's episode we discuss:  The four styles of roommates The Cinderella Roommate  The psychology of freeloading  The influence of personality Living with friends  The role of communication  Conflict, stonewalling and the silent treatment  When its time to move out!  Listen now as we break down the psychology of roommates and sharehouses. And don't forget to share your horror roommate stories!    Follow us on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast  Follow me on Instagram: @jemmasbeg For business enquiries: [e-mail]    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.

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Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean. for our psychology. Hello everybody, welcome back to this show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we break down the psychology of our 20s. Today we're talking about something that we've actually never spoken about on the podcast before, which is honestly shocking because when it comes to our 20s, one of the universal, relatable, joint experiences of people during this decade is living with other people, is the sharehouse, communal living, flatting, whatever you want to call it. And a lot about that experience is deeply psychological, how we learn to live with others, how we communicate,

our relationships, the conflict, the tension. The psychology is really everywhere in that dynamic. I think our 20s are often that time for many of us, when, we take the leap to move out of our childhood home, our family home, and really forge kind of our own independent lives. It's a huge hallmark of this decade. I guess we just outgrow the family environment. We don't feel like a child anymore. We want our own space. And often the most kind of economically viable option is to move in with a group of other people, our own age. I think not only is that sometimes the only thing we can afford, let's be real. But a lot of this is that these are people that we share the same lifestyle with. And it's kind of like a ride of passage, such a valuable

social experience to see how we live with others, to maybe make lifelong friends, to build our own community that is separate from the family unit. But it's also not that straightforward. I've been living in sharehouses or dorms with roommates since I was 17, for the last seven years, that is way too long. And of course, I think like anyone who has done their time, I have some stories. We might, you know, romanticize this way of living and the chaos and the group dinners and the movie nights, whatever it may be. But the people we choose to live with are sometimes the most important people in our lives. And so it's kind of make or break, depending on how well we actually get along. We are sharing a home together, which if you think about it,

it is like the most sacred space that a human can have. It is our place of comfort, of safety, of security. We sleep under the same roof as these people. We see them constantly. And their choices impact our quality of life. There was actually one piece of research published on this in 2016. And it indicates that the people who we live with, impact everything from our eating habits, our exercise habits, our sleeping habits, in both a positive and a negative direction, particularly through things like peer pressure or observational learning and the adoption of like communal values. And depending on your experience, that can actually be really great. We can become really thick and fast friends.

For example, in Korea, they surveyed nearly a thousand young single adults. living in share housing, and they found that people who were living with a roommate reported feeling less lonely and more socially supported. So there are definitely a lot of benefits. But when that turns sour, when we're met with conflict, different personalities, different standards for cleanliness, when we move in with friends and we begin to see a different side of someone now that we share a bathroom or a kitchen with them, that is when I think the sharehouse truly becomes a real like psychological petri dish. Conflict or tension in a home has a massive effect on our mental well-being.

And there have been so many studies, articles, research projects on this, particularly amongst young adults. Because if you think about it, you're basically putting two, three, four, sometimes more people together in a small environment all of whom have different backgrounds, expectations, lifestyles, and we're just kind of praying that it works. And so a sharehouse is kind of its own social experiment on how relationships are formed, how we communicate, how we interact, how relationships break down. And that is really what I want to explore today. We are going to discuss what makes a good roommate, different types of roommates,

the four different types of roommates and living styles, the dilemma of kind of moving in with friends and also what causes social harmony to break down when you are in a sharehouse. I also want to talk about what psychology has to say about creating a positive space, being a good roommate, dealing with conflict in the home, and also being able to recognize that moment when it is time to move out, when it is time to live alone. I think I'm getting to that point now. I've done my time. I've done my hours.

I've had the sharehouse experience. And I really just want to come home and not talk to anyone at this point. I kind of want to watch whatever I want to watch on TV and not have to like time my showers around other people. So I think I might only have like a few more months to actually be able to talk about this probably from like a lived experience. And that's what we're going to do today. So without further ado, I think it's about time we've been.

break down all of the psychology to do with communal living, sharehouses, and roommates. So let's get into it. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts. and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory.

We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-P-P-Sent on the I-Hard. Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people.

I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at It podcast. I'm Sam Jett. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill waxing all about crack in the 80s.

To be clear, 84 is big to me not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack all day, but just so you all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack, so I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now, so... Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes, I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really?

Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years. for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host,

and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase

that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough because people scoreboard watch life becomes about wins and losses Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth or are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust.

I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Keer Gaines, is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Sond's, correct?

I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Alesspian, Michael Marantini. My mind was blown.

I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The move to share housing from the family home, whether you're living with complete strangers or friends, whoever, it's really exciting.

Like we can't overstate the anticipation and like fun of getting to buy your own bowls and picking out your bed sheets and being able to have a space that is your own and separate from your parents and your siblings, whoever else is in your house. It honestly just feels like super adult. It's like one of those experiences I think we look at and we're like, oh yeah, this is the point where I felt like I was actually mature enough to call myself an adult human being. And then I think the social element of it is also super appealing, especially when you live with friends. It's like summer camp or a sleepover every night of the week. And it's the freedom that many of us, I think, have been aspiring towards since we were children. You know, it's kind of similar to having your own money. You get a space where you can live your life exactly how you would like it.

So I have this theory that the first six months of communal living are like the honeymoon period. It is the buzz of new things, of new relationships, or at least a new dimension to a relationship if you're living with friends, and this really new environment. But I think after that six months period is when the reality of constantly having to share your space with someone who is not related to you sinks in. The biggest thing we have to adapt to is different living styles because each of us has grown up in a certain unique environment, expecting certain levels of cleanliness. different rules, times that we want to rest, times that we want to socialize. People just to use their spaces differently. They treat them differently based on the home environment of their childhood. It's really interesting because there's been research on this and it's shown that how your

parents organized a home is going to be one of the biggest determinants for how you choose to treat your future living spaces. And it is natural, normal for those there to be kind of differences across people. The biggest one for me is the level of mess that we are willing to tolerate. I have noticed this in my own sharehouses and with my roommates where there is a distinction between wanting things tidy and wanting things clean. Some people just don't care if the floors aren't vacuumed or the couches are a little bit dirty as long as there are like no personal items in a communal space.

But others are totally fine with like a certain level of untidiness. as long as the house is sanitised. And then there are the housemates, the unique housemates, who just don't care, who are happy to live in absolute squalor. I often see this as a reaction to three things. Firstly, for these individuals who really don't care about mess or cleanliness, that was the standard that their parents set, whereby they also didn't really care about living amongst,

I'm not going to say filth, but just like literally, literally. amongst mess. Maybe it's because, yeah, they just really, they were completely apathetic to it, or be, they were too busy to deal with it. And so because that person has never known any differently, because they have adjusted to this lifestyle, they bring that to the sharehouse. They bring that to the environment. I had a roommate once who was so revolting. He would use, like, all of the glasses in our house for coffee and wine and beer, whatever. And then he would refuse to clean them. And so we stopped cleaning them as well. We were like, I don't want to be your like servant anymore, almost in like protest. Until every, I kid you not, every single glass in our house had like a layer of mold at the bottom.

We couldn't even use them. Eventually I actually, I took all of the glasses over to my friend's house. I put them through their dishwasher, brought them home, and hid them from him. And I told my other roommates, like, where they were. And for, like, weeks, we would have, like, a glass of water or whatever. We would finish. We would wash our glass and just, like, put it back in its hiding place until he kind of had to, like, come back to us with this, like, tail between his legs. There's just people like that who, like, do not care about filth.

The second reaction is whereby we have these people who have grown up, in a really strict household where the level of cleanliness was like almost hospital-like and they move out of home and experience like a complete reversal in habits. They finally have like the freedom to treat their space as they would like it. And so they unconsciously counteract what was previously expected of them by going in the complete entire opposite direction. it's almost like a delayed childhood rebellion against the rules that were upheld by their parents. And also there's the other element of, you know, no one's asking them to be clean anymore.

No one's asking them to keep their space tidy. And so they no longer have the motivation to self-enforce those levels of cleanliness. It's really interesting because this is actually a concept in psychology. It's known as the rebellion of the over-criticized child. But in these instances, often what we see is people who skip their childhood and teenage rebellion stage because the family environment was so strict. But then that emerges in adulthood when they start living with others, almost as a form of like emotional catharsis or release from the pressure they experienced as a child. And finally, there are situations in which one roommate has such a high standard for cleanliness that they are just willing to do all the work to keep their environment as they were the same. like it. And that results in what we would call free loading by the other members of the house. So

freeloading is actually an economics term whereby we see people take advantage of other people's generosity or efforts. Sometimes unconsciously, they've just come to expect this from the other person. Sometimes they like engage in the delusion that, oh yeah, my roommate claims because it makes them happy or they don't even notice. Yet they still benefit from this person's like additional labor in the house. I like to call this type of roommate the Cinderella roommate. Obviously, in the fairy tale, Cinderella,

Cinderella is the one who keeps everything clean in the background. She does all the washing, all the sweeping, the dishes for her step-sisters without any appreciation. I would say that most houses have a Cinderella. And often, these people are also very deep people-pleases. So they won't say anything

until it kind of like boils over and explodes. Or they just become so resigned to the mess that they let everything get disgusting and then even more frustrated when nobody does anything whilst the other roommates don't really like pick up on that and they're just waiting, expecting this person to eventually get to a point of like such deep frustration that they'll just go back to cleaning everything all over again. It's super unfair. It is super unfair. and I think the existence of a Cinderella points to a very important psychological truth about

sharehouses. Each roommate is going to take on a certain social role in the house, the same way that each of us takes on a role in the family home. And those roles sometimes are going to come into conflict. So the best way to understand this, I think, is through this theory called the styles of life theory. This was originally introduced by this psychiatrist, Alfred Adler. You might know him because he coined the term inferiority complex. But he also came up with this theory that each of us has a unique, unconscious and repetitive way of responding to or avoiding the main tasks of life. That includes friendships, love, work, behavior, or relationships in the home. obviously he wasn't applying this theory to like the relationship between roommates in the 21st century

but when we take his core ideas they have a lot of applicability so there are four styles or roles that we can take on in the share home so there's the ruling type this person is the leader they might take care of the bills maybe they were like the OG housemate or renter, they feel more of a sense of like possessiveness or control over the home. They are more liberal with using communal spaces. They host parties. It kind of feels like it's their home. Then we have the getting type. The ones who don't really do anything, they take rather than give. They take advantage of the other members in the house. We have the avoiding type, the one who is kind of like never there who like very much doesn't take part in sharehouse activities kind of stays out of

conflict stays out of the way is a bit of a ghost and finally we have the socially useful type this is very similar to the cinderella archetype they kind of contribute more than all the others but they're also more likely to have like a social interest in keeping the peace and they really like a certain level of social activity. Each of us in a sharehouse takes on one of these roles. It's really interesting because I know which one I am and I'm pretty sure I could easily assign every single roommate I've ever had to one of these roles, like easily. And you don't have to be a house of four. Like you can be a house of two or three or five or six because some people can take on the same role, but also there can be people who only take on one role and there is one left out.

So I think that this theory is one of the best psychological explanations for why we have different sharehouse or roommate like personalities and archetypes. Beyond these kinds of prototypes, I've already mentioned it, but we have the kind of added nuance of personality. Each of us is going to come to the table, not just with a different background and a different set of standards, but a different set of attributes and personality traits, which kind of influence how easy it really is the, you know, people to get along with you. I often think about this according to the big five personality traits in psychology, so these are openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism.

Out of those five kind of big five personality traits, each of us sits somewhere along the spectrum of each of them. And if you've ever done the Maya Briggs personality test, you can kind of based on this combination, determine what kind of person you are and also what kind of person you're going to be in a communal environment. Like maybe you are the entertainer or the executive or the mediator, the debater, the commander. I don't know which one you are, but that individual personality profile is going to contribute to the dynamic. Personally, I believe that the best combination for a roommate is someone who is conscientious, honest, open to experience, agreeable, and hopefully low on neuroticism, which means that they are emotionally stable, and they deal with

stress well. And one of the worst combinations is someone who we would call high conflict. I think we all have an idea of what a high conflict individual looks like. We've probably all met one. This is someone who loves drama. And they have this pattern of increasing tension, increasing like the mellow drama of an environment rather than reducing it or resolving it. This pattern usually happens over and over again in many different situations with many different people. They blame others. They don't care about boundaries. They never feel like they've done anything wrong. They are extreme and they always prefer to prioritize themselves over like the collective well-being and comfort of the home. For example, I had a roommate like this who would throw parties all the time and I

honestly got to the point where I think he just enjoyed us getting angry at him. Like he liked being the villain in the house for some weird neurological, psychological, psychological, reason. I think some people are just more conflict prone compared to others, those of us who are conflict-averse running away from disagreements or frustration. But honestly, either end of that spectrum is equally harmful when we're talking about living in a shared home. Obviously, it's extremely difficult to live with someone who has like no respect for other people and is always wanting to argue. But then we also have that roommate who is mad about something, is annoyed at doing all the cleaning or people not paying bills on time, and they say nothing about it. They keep it to

themselves, but it shows up in other ways. Like they stonewall you or they ice you out. I think it's hard because the people we live with don't have the same conflict style as us. But also sometimes when, you know, we don't have the same comfort as we would with a family member. So we feel really awkward bringing things up. You know, perhaps if it's a stranger and you just feel like it would be really inappropriate to have those kinds of conversations or even worse is when they are a friend and we worry that a small disagreement to do with like house upkeep or lifestyles or whatever is going to impact our relationship as friends beyond our relationship as roommates. this brings me to, I think, one of my biggest points. Moving in with friends. This is such a big risk.

Let me just tell you that now. I also think that it is a mistake that I've made in the past, but I've also had really great success stories. I lived with two of my closest friends for almost two years. We never had a single problem because our lifestyles, our expectations for each other, our communication styles, they all lined up. But I think sometimes we want to live with friends more than strangers because of that familiarity, right?

It feels like less of a risk because we already know that, you know, like, we at least like this person. But there's also an equal risk that moving in together is going to cost you the relationship because it will change the dynamic either by increasing like the intensity of your closeness, sometimes causing codependency or making it such that small conflicts in the home begin to affect your bigger relationship as friends. Living together in a shared environment that you have mutual responsibility towards changes the dynamic. When the quarters are that close, there is more room for tension, like just a small spark of anger or frustration if it's not taken care of is going to spiral. And I have friends who I understand I just couldn't live with.

It doesn't mean that I don't love them. It's just that we acknowledge that our living styles, how much downtime we need, our levels of cleanliness, they're different. And putting our relationship in like the absolute pressure cooker that is living together would be, I think, disastrous and destructive. Some of us obviously don't realize that until it's way too late. And that's what leads to conflict. Conflict in a sharehouse is inevitable the same way that it's inevitable in a workplace or a family home in a romantic relationship.

But I think the biggest sources in this specific situation are obviously mess, roommates who are disrespectful as well when we speak to them about mess. People not really doing their part, borrowing things without asking first, people not paying their bills on time or not paying a fair share for commonly. used items, people who are really noisy, and then people who are really, really controlling of the environment. Once again, a lot of this comes down to not just personality differences, of course, but differences in how we were raised. And when that bubbles up, it becomes really unpleasant, and it can actually have really serious consequences for our mental health. There have been like countless studies on this because we understand that there is an important relationship between our living environment and our mental state or our emotional well-being.

Like it is our place of rest, it's our home. It's where we should feel most calm and safe. But when that environment is disturbed or not to our liking, we see massive consequences. People who are fighting with their roommates no longer feel the sense of security that they need from their home environment. We don't feel like we are allowed to relax or be ourselves in the home. And if we can't do those things in our house, where are we going to do that? We never have like a time or a place to turn off, to switch off. The worst case of this is when it's not just that it gets to the point of like full on blowouts, but when it gets to the point where people are completely avoiding each other in common spaces, it's like they're playing like an unspoken game of,

of hide and seek with each other. It feels like you're a stranger in your own home. You're constantly locked in your room. Your anxiety is spiked. You feel hypervigilant or stressed whenever you perceive that there is like a threat in the environment. Right? Like you're cooking dinner and then like suddenly this person walks in and you don't say anything to each other. And it's awkward and it's painful.

Another story for you guys once again about Dirty Dishes Man because he is obviously infamous when it comes to my sharehouse experiences. but by the end of like living together, we would go entire weeks without speaking a word to the other person. And at that point, we lived in a three bedroom house with five people in it. And it was during COVID. So it wasn't like we didn't see each other. But it got to the point where he had just overstepped so many boundaries. He had caused so much pain and obviously didn't respect the other people living in the house that there was. was no point trying to repair what was broken or even be civil about it. And in those situations,

you kind of have three options, right? Either you move out, they move out, or you swallow your pride and you get to the bottom of it. The last option is obviously the hardest because sometimes it feels like once again, we have to be the bigger person and we're sick of doing that. We don't want to be the peacemaker all the time or carry the mental load. So we just become resigned to how things are. And that's when the house starts to crumble. Because there is no longer that, not just positive, but transparent communication. And I think if you don't set that up at the beginning, if you don't build that routine of talking about your problems, if you don't set those ground rules, when the time does come, that frustration, tension, conflict does emerge.

you're kind of going into it with no rulebook or really no understanding of the other person's expectations or perspective. So what I really want to discuss next is how we can actually make it so we never get to that point, how we can have a positive sharehouse experience, the dream sharehouse experience, all of that and more after this short break. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalation. later available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical

and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs?

Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do a little kill? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s.

To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. so I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people.

Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games.

And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase

that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it, and we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross. you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth? Are you a good person because you're afraid?

Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Keir Gaines, is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, learn the hard way. Open your free IHeartRadio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself.

at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in someone's, correct? I doctored the test ones.

It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Michael Sbee and Michael Maranini.

My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your

podcasts. So let's talk about what it means to be a good roommate and the ways we can hopefully avoid that kind of all too common experience of the sharehouse going up in flames. Like not literal flames, emotional flames. We want to be on speaking terms with the people who live in our home. We want to avoid the silent treatment or breaking the lease or a million other less than ideal ways that this can end. So the first step really begins before you even sign the lease. right? Like the biggest error people make is not actually asserting their standards beforehand. Their standards for cleanliness, for a loan time, for noise, for bills, for splitting expenses, for even minor things like, when are you going to turn the aircon on during the year or the heating?

Every point of ambiguity is a potential point of conflict. My dad actually gave me this incredible tip when I first moved into a sharehouse. He told me that we need to sit down, all of us, write out our house rules. And everyone had to agree. Everyone had to sign off on the rules. And then they went on the fridge and they were basically never discussed again unless someone, quote unquote, broke the rules. Then it was never a discussion of like, oh, I didn't know. Oh, I was confused. They had agreed to the rules. They'd broken them consciously. They'd broken the like roommate contract. And obviously it was then up to them to apologize and make up for it. There are, though, sometimes some people who believe that rules are need to be broken.

I think in those instances when you have a roommate like that, instead of just like pushing again and again and reminding them again and again and just becoming exhausted when they don't listen, the trick is to find out what this person actually cares about, what causes them to act in a certain way. There is something that matters to them and if you can link the behavior that you need from them with, what matters to them, then you have a chance to actually make something happen. For example, if they are someone who really likes or needs the approval of others, make it known that when they keep things tidy, it makes you really happy and appreciative. Maybe it's that they have a real sense of duty or fairness, really reinforce them, like the duty of being a good roommate. Maybe it's guilt, whatever. Find what motivates them and leverage that. But as this therapist, Dr. Fitzpatrick said in her incredible article about this, I'll link it below. Sometimes there are people who just

are not really caught up in the rules of engagement here. They kind of need to be gently reminded that to be human is to sometimes have to be cooperative and to compromise. We often really like to believe in the goodness of others, but sometimes you just encounter people who have a different agenda. When we're talking about that level of inconsideration, often what's behind that, is some sort of resentment, hurt, anger, it could just be pure laziness because they've been babyed all of their life. And what you need to do as a house is kind of, unfortunately, I know it sounds unfair, but you're the one who now has to help them realize that this is where it stops. I think it's very rare that you end up living with like a total psychopath. I don't know,

maybe you have a story for me, and that has been your experience. But the majority of people still respond to human emotion. So if you tell them how their actions have impacted you, how they've left you feeling, disrespected, if they've left you feeling upset, most people don't want to be that person. They don't want to be the household villain. That is the wake-up call that they need.

Honesty and vulnerability. And I know it's really hard to put yourself in a position where you have to be vulnerable with someone, especially if you don't know them, especially if it's a little bit awkward. But I think vulnerability always has a lot of rules. rewards that come with it. And you know what? You might not feel like best friends now, but keeping open those kind of lines of communication when you're living under the same roof is really

essential. If you are the one though, who is the source of frustration, you have been told that you are not pulling your fair share, you're not contributing, you're not keeping things clean, remember, this is not them expressing unconditional anger at you. They are speaking to you about this in order to give you an opportunity to improve and adjust. The worst thing we can do is interpret boundary setting and like basic respectful discussion as an insult or a take down as criticism and allow ourselves to react from a place of defensiveness. That is when we, I think, see irreparable conflict. When we feel threatened or confronted, often our first primal instinct is to

defend ourselves at all costs by minimizing the other person's feelings, feeling like they are unjustified or really digging our heels in. It's very primitive and psychologists often point to the role of our self-esteem in those moments where we don't want to feel like we're a bad person so to regulate that cognitive dissonance. We put the problem back on someone else. That instinct is not helping you. In fact, I would argue that it's highly counterpriced. productive in this situation. Instead, accept accountability in those moments. Make a plan to be better. Make a plan to hold yourself accountable that doesn't disturb the peace any further. Because we all have a shared goal here, right? We have a shared goal of like peace and harmony. And I know that sounds cheesy,

but honestly, that is what we all want at the end of the day to be able to come home to our home and feel like it's fun and feel like it's that we're meant to be there and feel safe. That brings me to my next tip. Although you don't have to be best friends with someone just because you live in the same home, it doesn't hurt by any means to have like some kind of social contact. Familiarity is such an amazing bonding, emotion and experience. You don't want to be like the avoiding type. You don't want to live in a house of like of ghosts where the silence is like super deafening and it's really, really lonely.

So I think frequent casual contact, social contact is a really nice way to just bond and stay friendly with each other. We used to do Sunday dinners each week and everyone was responsible for like some part of the meal and then we would play board games and have a wine and just chat or go to trivia and bingo host parties together. And then it didn't feel like we were just all these strangers who had suddenly been placed in like a house together and had to just like find a way to get along. Like we could actually be friends. We could actually turn to one another. So I'm not going to talk about cleaning rosters or anything to do with bills or splitting things

because I think we know the drill, right? Like I feel like that is something we all have a pretty good understanding of. But I do have two final tips. Firstly, don't form groups within the house. Don't gossip about one house member solely with another member of the house. bring up your grievances in person because you don't want to create a collective enemy here. It's shit for everybody. You don't want to exclude someone.

I've had sharehouses or friends in sharehouses where there's been like three members of the house and two of them have become super close and just excluded the third person. Don't be that person. It's giving high school bully. It keeps people isolated and it builds resentment. And secondly, don't. And I mean, do not sleep with your room. We have all heard the horror stories here.

The second you cross that platonic line, all rules disappear, all boundaries are gone. It's like you've basically moved in together after your first date. Not a great start for a healthy relationship if that's what you want. And if it's not what you want, then it's just really awkward. Because then suddenly your other roommates feel like they're living with this couple that has this weird like past, or not quite a couple at all. There's so much that can go wrong. There's other people involved.

You never get the space you need. when you've just started out, like, bad idea, please trust me on this. So our final discussion point for the day is when do you know it's time to leave the sharehouse life behind and live alone? I really believe that everyone should live at loan at least once. And I know it's such a privilege to say that. But if it is within your means, the benefits are really endless. You learn to value your own company.

you get to decide like exactly how you want to live, you have that independence and autonomy of your space. I think although the solitude can sometimes be really scary, and that's a reason why a lot of us don't do it, it's also really important to do scary things every now and again. And to prove to yourself that you're capable of loving your own life, loving your own company, loving your own space. When you live alone, you have that time to really focus

on who you are. I think it leads to a lot of increased self-awareness because you're not just able to distract yourself with very convenient, like, social interaction. It also comes down to what you're willing to kind of compromise. Every decision or change like this inevitably comes with sacrifice, but do you, you know, but it's about really what you value. It's about what you're willing to give up for the benefits. Like, do you value your alone time more or the conditions? Or the convenience of company. Would giving up that built-in social interaction be harder for you than having to give up a certain level of privacy and autonomy? That's really an equation that only you can do, a decision only you can make. But I do think there are some pretty big signs that you are,

you're ready to take that leap. Firstly, A, you have the financial means to do it. That's just like a number one point here. You have to do like a big financial overhaul, I think, a bit of an audit, a bit of an investigation, and just make sure you actually have enough leeway to be able to afford a solo lifestyle. Because it naturally will be more expensive. You don't want to live by yourself for like seven months, realize you can no longer afford it and have to go back. But you've already like gotten a taste of like of a sweeter fruit. You've already like begun to adapt to this kind of way of living. And suddenly you're back in like the sharehouse with like four people who don't know how to wash their dishes.

Secondly, another reason is if you are increasingly irritated by the presence of others, you find yourself hermining, you're avoiding your roommates. Thirdly, if you have the social supports and like the social circle to enable you to spend more time just alone in your home without feeling disconnected, D, you need more space for yourself, like just literal physical space, like storage space, not emotional space. E, if your relationship is getting serious and you know that the next step may be to live together, but you want to have that solo living experience before then. And finally, if you're just ready for the freedom, that's huge to me at the moment. As long with that, the reason I gave before, like my relationship is getting serious.

I'm kind of like, oh, like we are going to end up living together. Before we do that, I want to live alone. I think living alone has always been a really huge goal for me because I have a really deep fear of being alone. And I want to challenge that at least once in my life and stop letting that fear kind of control me and keep me in a place of depending on other people for company and comfort, even when actually what I would rather do is just be by myself,

but I'm so like almost addicted to that very, validation of having other people around me. That has just gone way too deep. They're very vulnerable, but honestly, I feel like I'm not the only one who has that experience. Sharehouses, as a conclusion, can be great, but they're also just inherently a bit of like a mental labyrinth and a bit of a hassle at times. It is like so strangely intimate when you think about it. Like the home is normally something reserved for like a family or people who are like in love. and now it's reserved for like people who like sometimes don't even know each other

and suddenly you're like asleep in the next room. You know, like I said at the beginning, putting a bunch of people in a house and expecting it to just work is like so implausible. They literally have TV shows about that very premise. Like that is what Big Brother is about. That's like how fascinating it is. That's how interesting the dynamics get. So if you're living with roommates now and they're just kind of getting on your nerves,

you're in the midst of some like weird tension. I feel you, we've all been there. Sometimes it is a dream and it's super fun. Other times it's just frustrating. But I also think it is an important experience of our 20s to at least have those moments because then you'll never take your alone time for granted ever again. One of my friends said to me, like, she was like to me,

what did she say? She's like, I want to push myself to the point of like absolutely hating my sharehousing so that I never want to go back. And so that I'm never like in my 30s or 40s being like, oh, I shouldn't have spent more time in my sharehouse. Like, I think we've all been there. We've all been at that point. So I really hope that you enjoy this episode.

Remember, if you're having a shit time right now, everything is temporary. And I hope you just, like, learnt something about how roommates and sharehouses and communal spaces operate. It is so psychological. It comes down to, like, so many strange theories about people's personalities and ways of life and how they were raised. So it's no wonder that I think so much drama and tension, but also so many good times come from the Shirehouse. So thank you so much for listening. I think I've already said this, but I do really hope that you've enjoyed this episode. If you have a roommate horror story, send it my way.

Maybe we'll do like a follow-up episode just talking about roommate horror stories. I feel like I'm also just nosy and I want to know what you guys have been through. So if you enjoyed this episode and you feel like there's a little bit of you feel like there. is someone else who might benefit from it. Please feel free to share a link with them or leave a five-star review. Wherever you're listening right now, I read every single review that is left for me. And they're really amazing. It's such a beautiful point of encouragement, a beautiful part of like my week to have a little

read. And yeah, it's just super lovely that there are so many of you out there who love this show. So thank you for supporting me so much recently. Make sure you're following so that when we released. New episodes, they are delivered right to your feed. And as always, we will be back next week with another episode. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter.

And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a half, happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWA% on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me.

84 is big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. Before it was a wild year. It was a wild year.

I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to learn the hard way with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit are honest? It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to.

Listen and learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Ellen's, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian.

Michael Mancini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast.

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