The Psychology of your 20s - 149. Confidence will change your life ft. Tiff Baira

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

Confidence truly is the secret to a better life: better friendships, better self esteem, better dates, better romance, better career success. Today, we are joined by the iconic, Tiff Baira known best for her show "Street Hearts NYC", her role as a matchmaker and model, as we explore how having certainty in your worth is the key to your dream life.  We break down the equation for true, undeniable confidence, treating confidence as a skill you can strengthen and train, the truth behind "fake it till you make it", learning to reject those who aren't capable of seeing your value and the changes you will begin to notice in your life. Listen now!  Follow Tiff on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tiffbaira/?hl=en  Follow Tiff on Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@tiffbaira?lang=en  Follow The Psychology of your 20s: https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/       See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode. Welcome to the 12 Days of Guests this December. Today we have on such a fabulous guest. I'm so excited. And honestly, the origins of this friendship. The origins of this episode are kind of amazing. And I think we're very much. really sure like the power of the internet. Tiff Barra. You would know her from Strayha's NYC. Maybe you saw her on the Drew Baramore show. You see her on TikTok. She's the queen of confidence and we're obsessed with her. Welcome to Tith. Yeah, well, I'm so happy to be here. I know I've told you before, but I am your biggest fan. So I've been listening to this podcast for like the last year and it's helped me through some dark nights. So I'm so happy to be here. Wasn't it like the episode that I did on

anxiety and you were like yeah i i still probably listen to that once a month there without one night where i have too many espresso martinis i always listened to that and i'm like it's okay like it's all gabba gamma oh my god you know it's all glutamate gather gather gabba that is so funny and you definitely have listened to that episode i need to listen to that episode probably a little bit more because i was like i went out the other night and then i like work up the next morning and i was like everyone hates me and I have no friends. And I'm sure you felt that. And can we talk about how like as you get in your later 20s, like I'm 26, but when I was 21,

I never had anxiety. And like now I'm like, oh my, it'll last like five days. The last five days. You're like, honestly, it's this weird thing where I think it's like you have more to lose. You're not like just like, wow, crazy party girl, which is like kind of what I was at like 2021. Now you're like, oh, like what I say actually means something. I think it's like that frontal lobe developing and you're being.

like my actions have consequences and so then you get like more intense feelings towards your anxiety but then also your body just can't take the drinks as well as it used to right it cannot take it as well you know like I did a whole but what's what's great is like as you get older the hope is that you have like really good friends around you so like when you do the apology tour the next day they're like Tiffany stop being ridiculous you were literally fine like I didn't even know you drank and I'm like okay that's what I need to hear yeah so it's like You learn to surround yourself by people that have your back just as much as we should have our own backs. That's actually such great advice.

We've like jumped straight into it, but I feel like I haven't even given you. We're like, let's talk about it. I haven't even given you an opportunity to tell the audience a little bit about yourself. I know I gave you a bit of an introduction, but in your own words, who is Tiff? Yeah, well, I'm Tiff Barra. I'm in New York City, and I've really kind of been sharing my experience. of dating and being a dating coach for like the last three years on TikTok, which then led to me becoming an actual dating coach on a Roku show match me in Miami, where I've worked with

hundreds of singles. I have a practice where I work with singles. And really the difference between what I do and what some of the previous matchmakers that you've seen on the scene are is that my major thing is finding love while loving yourself. Dema, I don't know about you, but like in my early 20s and even to now, it is a full struggle. bus trying to figure out how to navigate dating while not being harsh on yourself and not blaming yourself for your dating life, not always going the way you want it to. So really like the ethos of what I do is like how to enjoy being single, how to love yourself at the same time while putting yourself out there and realizing that like rejection may happen, but it's not a problem with you.

It's a compatibility issue. So I help clients really just learn like number one, how do I learn to love myself before going out into the dating world? Because if you can't tell yourself like, what you deserve, build your standards, learn what actual love is for yourself. It's very hard to find it. And it also leads you to settling for the wrong people that may not treat you the way you deserve and calling that love. So we're in the business of building high standards, building high confidence and working through the vulnerabilities and insecurities that I think we all have specifically in our 20s. Honestly, that hits home for me because I think about people that I know who are like actively dating right now, I think about my like past self when she

was actively dating and how much I thought the way other people treated me or the decisions they made about our relationship reflected something deeper about myself. And now I realize like being in a really healthy relationship, I am so glad that those people rejected me because otherwise I wouldn't have rejected myself and I would have like continued to pursue them for. so long and I didn't like I deserve so much better but it's so interesting like how you don't realize that until you really start to like cultivate your own self-worth oh no I'm just to that it's like I really do believe that like rejection is redirection like the people that are rejecting you are leading you to where you need to be like all the noes are leading you to your yes and and like

I think what you were saying it hit me too because it's like a lot of times we like to reaffirm the stories we tell ourselves. So if we say we don't deserve love, you're going to constantly date people that make you feel unlove because you're already telling yourself that's what you deserve. So it's very uncomfortable to step out of that cycle of toxic guys or people that don't give you enough because then you're saying like, hey, I deserve more, but it's going to be uncomfortable to get there because you're kind of walking away from all you've known. And also you're walking away from what feels really exciting. Like the chase feels exciting. Having someone who is like never giving you 100% feels exciting because you're like how do I get that 100% like I'm going to fucking work for it

there's something about me that I can change and once I figure it out everything's going to be perfect but it's so interesting because it's like it's like what the fuck like sometimes I think back to you know that experience to myself and I'm like how like when you're in it you don't realize that like that excitement that you feel is really just anxiety and it's really just your body and your brain being like, you should know right now that you deserve better. And we're trying really hard to tell you that. Oh my God. It's so true. I think like what you're saying is so spot on where it's like back when I was first experimenting with dating when my self-esteem was pretty low, I didn't meet people at the beginning who thought I had value. I thought like I had to prove my value. So now I'm always like,

you're not doing a PowerPoint presentation. Like your job is not to convince or to persuade. They should already meet you knowing your value you know nobody walks into like um nobody walks into chanelle and is like well i know it's listed at 2000 but like i'm just going to give a hundred dollars is that okay you know what i mean it's like you you are the cashier you're the one that's setting the price so don't set it for a hundred when you know the actual value and i think it's very you learn that with time i hope and also with realizing that like the guys that treat you like shit at the beginning are going to treat you even worse at the end. You cannot change treatment. You can only change who's in your life. You know, if it starts bad, typically, I mean, I can't say like 100%, but if someone's already not

treating you with respect or the right way, it 99% doesn't get better. You know what I mean? You want someone that at first sight is excited about you, someone that already is ready to meet you where you are and knows your value without you having to prove anything. Additionally, you know, 99% of those relationships end, but I saw this thing the other day that was like, would the love of your life really treat you that way? Is that really like the story you want to tell your kids? Like, oh, when your daddy and I first met,

like, he like ghosted me and ignored me. And like, I used to beg him for flowers and he'd never give them to me. Like, what a cute story, kids. Like, he had a roster of like three girlfriends. I didn't know. But like, he would text me sometimes at 4 a.m. And I thought it was romantic. Yeah.

Or like, you know, he like told me that he was sleeping with other. people and I just was like, all right, he'll change his mind. And then he did and now I'm so happy. It's like, is that really how the love of your life would treat you? If they don't know, like, from the get go, I don't know. I don't think that they like suddenly become more aware. But you know, Jim, I think the biggest thing that allows us to make these red flags green is our fear of being alone. And I think that's one thing that I really try to encourage. It's something that I work with on myself. Like, it's better to be alone right now than with someone that makes you feel lonely. I think that's something that I learned the hard way. When I was younger, I was like doing really

casual hookups with guys that didn't deserve me or just going, filling my time to not feel alone. But what you're actually doing in the long run is going to make you more alone longer. Because you're not creating space for the right people. You're like basically putting bad boy band-aids across your journey and you're not leaving space for some of that actually deserves you. So the biggest thing that I've done and have really focused on, if it's not 100% what I want or what I deserve, I'm not going to just be like, oh, well, it's Saturday night. I have nothing to do. Let me go get a free dinner with a cute guy because I already know that that's not, that's wasting my time of what my goals are. Now, there's so many different goals. Like,

if that's what you want, absolutely go out and do it. Like, I think the biggest thing, we all own our own dating stories and you know monogamy is not for everybody if you want to date a million people go ahead do things that make you feel good but make sure that you're doing it to add to your confidence to add to what you really want and not just something to distract you from the fear of being alone because I hope that everyone starts to learn that being alone is a beautiful thing like being alone with yourself is the best company like what oh my god solitude is sacred I always say that on this show and I love that I know solitude is so sacred and not only that like either relationship be happy with yourself is the most important one.

It's the only one that lasts your whole life. So it's so interesting that we don't take time to really cultivate it. You said something though that I think that I really want to talk about today. If you are familiar with TIFF's content, the thing that I love about you is how unapologetically yourself you are. It's like this aura of confidence that I think a lot of people are like, like I freaking want that like I want to knock him what other people have to say you just like imbue the sense like it's just this charm it's like so refreshing have you always been like that have you

always been this like confident bubbly person absolutely not um I think the biggest thing when I was growing up I was bullied really badly like probably since I can remember I remember like since kindergarten being called the fat girl. And it was always very isolating. And then I was like, okay, well, what's my social capital going to be? Let me just be funny. You're like, really, I had to build. It's just really crazy thing. When you get bullied when you're young, you start strategizing how to not get bullied. And for me, that was like, well, if I'm funny, if I talk to everybody, I can kind of fit in, right? But for my whole life until about 20, 18 to 20, it was about fitting it. I wanted to fit in. I was trying to squeeze into this smaller version of myself.

And it was very uncomfortable because I started, I kind of got to the point where it was like, I'm never going to be anybody else's idea of me. I'm never going to be good enough for other people's standards. So I have to create my own standard. And it was this very freeing moment where I was like, okay, like, okay, so the biggest thing that now of like all my wheels are turning. What really set me free when it came to my confidence was relativity, was understanding that there's not one way to be. that there's not one opinion that sets your worth. Like, you could have 10 guys in a room and one of them will think you're hot.

One of them will think you're ugly. One of them thinks you look like a stover's lasagna. One of them thinks you're like a honey baked ham. One of you thinks you're Miss America. Right. So once you understand that, you're like, why the fuck am I? Can I curse on here? Yeah, you can.

Oh, okay. I'm like, I'm like, why am I chasing all these other people's standards? Because then you're just wasting your fumes. You're wasting your energy chasing all these things. And then you don't know what you really want. So finally, after just being like, okay, well, I don't fit into this bubble. I don't fit into that bubble. I'm never going to be this.

I'm never going to be that. Let me stop. Like, what do I want to be? And from there, I've started this journey of just really exploring what I want. And I think the key thing, the key to confidence is exploring at first. Confidence is not something that just happens overnight. And it's not something that lasts forever. You have to constantly be cultivating your confidence.

And I call it the confidence gym. Like, you have to be lifting weights. Like there are times like micro things that I still struggle with. When I'm the biggest girl in my workout class, sometimes I still want to keep my shirt on and not wear my sports bra. And I'm like, why are you doing that? Is it because you really don't want to do that? Or you scare people who are going to judge you?

And then sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm at this gala with billionaires. And here I am like the trashy girl shaking ass. I'm like, am I going to like pretend that my name is Tiffany Wellington the 12? or am I just going to show up and be proud of who I am? So, you know, I think the thing is, is that never let other people's labels define you. And also, you can't, the biggest, there's this great quote that I really hold on to a lot of time is no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. So when it comes to being confident, a million people might have opinions of you, but the only one that truly matters is your own. And at the end of the day, it's a simple question.

Are you going to let other people stop you from living the life that you want? Are you going to let opinion stop you from being you? And it's either a yes or no question. And once you finally face the fear of realizing, like, they just have opinions. Opinions aren't going to kill you. Like, I get hate comments all the time. I've had an article. I've had threads of people saying how ugly I am.

I'm still out here and I'm still having fun. And I actually feel more confident because once it's almost like, once you face your fear of being ridiculed for your size or for your thoughts or whatever. whatever it is, you can't hate someone that's putting themselves out there. And it's better to be on the court playing the game than being what that. It's better to be on the court playing the game than observing and talking shit. Those that don't do talk shit. So be someone that does.

And mind your business and be the best version of yourself. And then you don't care what people are saying because at least you're doing the things that you were born to do and that you love to do. I love that. That's like the pep talk that I honestly needed today. I'm like, yeah. Oh my God. I'm like getting hyped up. I'm like, yeah.

Yeah, let's go. And I'm going to our tour. I'm going to do one soon. Like, I always do it. I honestly, like, totally agree with that. The quote that always, like, sticks out to me is, like, you are never going to be criticized by someone who is doing better than you. The people who are going to criticize you are always the ones who,

and if you think about it from your own perspective, like, we all judge people at times. Like, we all sometimes, like, have bad thoughts about people that we see in the street. I'm going to promise you. like 99% of the time that you have a negative judgmental thought about someone else, that is you projecting the feeling that you're feeling about yourself. If you see someone, you're like, why is she wearing that? Like, oh, like, she, her butt looks like kind of weird. That's because you would feel that way.

Like, that's an insecurity that you feel you would have in that outfit that you're projecting. Or if you're like, oh, like, you know, her makeup, like doesn't look blended. Like, whatever. 99% of the time, that comment that you want to make, about someone else is something that you feel insecure about yourself. And so I always think about that, Tiff, when I think about the comments that I also get. Mine are often less about my looks and more about like my opinions, which kind of fucking hurts sometimes, but like, I don't mind. But I'm like, you know what? I get it. Like, it's hard to put yourself out there, especially like online and not

expect some people to find that like uncomfortable because they're uncomfortable with themselves. hurt people, hurt people. But you know what's going to hurt you more being afraid to be your full self? Like I think what's great is that as long as you're trying, people can comment because you're doing something cool. Haters are actually a sign that you're doing something right. And I think like once you're living your truth, like wearing that crazy outfit that you like, pursuing that job that everybody thinks is crazy to do, you really don't place as much value on their opinions because you start building the strength in yourself. and it overrides everything. So I think to view confidence as strength that you constantly are building, for me,

like the beginning stages of confidence are making choices that align with who you want to be. So even if, like, right now, you're like, oh, I'm really shy. I don't like myself. I feel ugly. I don't think I'm funny. I don't think I'm smart. You can make the list. What I would recommend, like, it's just truly a pragmatic thing that I still do is, like,

a confidence check-in, right? Everything that you've paid about yourself right now. And then you say, what would a person do that wasn't doing that? So like, for example, if you don't like that, you always are wearing beige, you want to wear yellow, but you're so scared. In your mind, be like, who is a type of person that wears yellow? Samantha Jones. What would Samantha Jones do in this situation?

You know what I mean? So start to embody mentally the person that could do the things that you want to do and that are fearless. And then I think the biggest thing that has stopped my growth and what I saw that has stopped a few of my client's growth is that it's the fear. It's not even the actual doing it. You spend so much time in this anxiety purgatory just like envisioning how bad it's going to be. But then when you actually do it, it's not even close. It's actually like everyone, I guarantee you if someone, if you wear that yellow, you're going to have 20 people come up to you and be like, oh my God, you look great.

Yeah. You know? It's really our head. stopping us from being the version that we want to be a lot of the times. Well, it's the idea of like the what if thinking, which is like a huge sign of anxiety. If a thought starts with what if, it's an anxious thought. And the one that always comes up is like,

what if people don't like me? What if people judge me? What if they find me less attractive? What if they think I'm too much? And then you follow that with another what if. And this is how I always count on those thoughts. So like, what if that person finds me less attractive because I decided to wear what I wanted to wear? And then you go, okay, and then what? What is the consequence of that?

And then what happens after that? Well, then they don't find me attractive so they don't want to keep dating me. And then what? Well, then, you know, we break up. And then what? You find someone better. Like, if you follow, like, an anxious thought to its, like, logical end, you always, like, come out at a better solution. You always come out of a point where you're like, actually, this really doesn't matter that much. Like, it really doesn't matter. And you know, I love that at Trinathon. I always follow that, too. And, like, on top of that, it's also just like, when you're being your full self,

you're going to lose a lot of people that wanted the wrong version of you. And you have to be okay with that. Like, you know, I've changed a lot in my middle 20s. I used to be the girl that was out and about all the time, partying all the time. And I woke up one day and I was like, you know, I want a real career. I want real love. I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel positive.

I just don't want to be the chaotic friend that has the funny stories. Like I don't want to live for the story anymore. I want to write my own story. And I did lose a lot of friends. And, you know, I think one thing I really want to talk about, I feel like this is like probably the first place that I've discussed this, but it feels like the right place is that just because you're confident doesn't mean that you're not anxious.

It doesn't mean that you don't have crippling self-doubt. It doesn't mean that you are invincible. I have insane anxiety that I've struggled with for years. And, you know, I think what gets me through all of these things is having these sacred things that I do that are just mine. And it's like whether people like me or not, these are the things that I stand for. Like, these are the things that make me happy to be who I am. And I think cultivating those things help you have that tenacity when other people's opinions get in the way. So the way that I think is like, you're, you're, you're, your reason for being alive, your motivation, and it shouldn't be chasing likes or opinions or validation

or men. It should be like, I want to make this change in the world. I want to make this change in myself. And I want to love that it's going to change me for the better. All the other stuff is just noise. And people can't take things from you that are simply yours. And that could be something as small as journaling. I've journaled my whole life or reading these books that you start your day with, you know so the key to confidence in those small ways are picking things that are yours that have nothing to do with anyone else whether it's meditating or things like that and really embodying that as your identity outside of the world's noise one for me is like boxing i used to treat it's really interesting when i was going to talk about it later but maybe we talk about it now like

the interactions between like exercise and confidence previously it used to be such like a one-way straight for me, which was like, exercise means weight loss, means more confidence. And now I was talking to a friend about it and I was like, it's so crazy how like in the last couple of years my relationship to exercise and physical activity has been more about like a way to express love for my body and a way to like see how my body moves and and to treat it well. And right now I'm like obsessed with boxing. There is something so satisfying about like punching a bag again and again. yeah a jab cross baby nothing better yeah honestly it's like it makes me feel so powerful so it's

like those little activities i think are amazing when you're like this is just for me i'm not trying to become like a fucking mma fighter like i'm not trying to like become an author i'm not trying to like become a writer like i'm just doing this because like you said no one can take something from you that is truly yours and that is only yours which i think is such a powerful way of putting it yeah and you know I think what you're saying, like, with the exercise is so beautiful because there's so many different ways to do it. Like, when you talk about confidence in size, I think there's no way to, like, have this conversation without discussing how we view our bodies comes to play. Some of my clients that actually fit the, quote, unquote, beauty standards so perfectly have so much insecurity. And then some people that have different body struggles or that you think would have,

different body starters are the most confident people in the world. But I think the biggest thing is that, you know, we all have different sizes. We all have different goals. We all view ourselves in different lights. But I think the biggest thing that's helped my confidence, again, as always being perceived as like the big girl and being put down for it a lot. Like I really, my old perception when I was dating was like, oh my God, I'm so lucky that a guy would want to date someone in my size. That was really how I I felt. And I think it's, it's hard to discuss it, but I feel like at the same time, it's probably something that a lot of people, especially in their early 20s, deal with, because you're thrown into this dating world. You don't have a lot of experience. And especially if you've been bullied,

your self-esteem is in the gutter. It is below sea level. So it's not, wow, he's lucky to be in my life. It's like, wow, I'm lucky to even get a guy to text me at 4 a.m. I'm lucky to get a guy that will make me an option. But the biggest thing is, like, we don't deserve just to be an option. and we deserve to be the one. And the way to do that, though, is by setting that standard. Because, you know, right now, I, like, of course, every day is a different day with my confidence journey. I've kind of taken my whole identity outside of what I think men want me to be or what I think the world wants me to be.

But you can't deny that, like, it's sometimes challenging when you're not really, like, how do I say this? Like back when I was really serial dating, it was all about being sexy. It was all about dressing for the male gaze. And now I'm not really doing that. I'm wearing things that make me feel sexy. So I'm not getting as much, you know, attention from men in that way. Actually, the last like five guys I've gone our date with, they like want to be business partners. I'm like, is this the energy I'm giving with my power suits? Are you serious? That is so funny. I honestly be like, yes. Absolutely. Here we go. But it's again that thing where you're building that confidence of being like,

I don't want to draw the wrong people towards me. And if I'm, you know, dressing in a way or doing things that don't embody who I really am and I'm doing this because I think that's what they like, that's actually hurting your confidence in the end because then you're not building it from a place of your own power. You're building it from a place of what you think others want. Oh, I completely get what you mean. It's also this really interesting thing where it's like, especially if you were someone

who perhaps didn't like, People didn't really, like, show you that they were attracted to. When you, you know, they didn't really show you, like, admiration or attraction when you were, like, in high school. Or even in college. Like, I remember being in high school and, like, no one ever really, like, had a crush on me. No one really was, like, ever, like, God, she's, like, attractive. Like, no one really, like, flooded with me. And, you know, all of my other friends had, like, boyfriends and, like, little flings.

And, like, they had that, like, teenage love experience. and I didn't really have that the same way that they did. And so then when I like went to uni and then even when I like left uni and moved to like a big city, it was like anyone who was willing to give me an inch was going to get a mile from me. Like I was like, yes, please. I'm like a freaking foster home. Like please drop off your neglected male pets. Like and I will gladly take them because I'm, I want. intimacy and I want compassion.

And then it's about being like, you said this in terms of like showing up to your dates in power suits. It was like, all right, I'm going to stop thinking that like the biggest prize here is for this person to like me. And the prize is going to be for me to actually like walk out of that date and like myself. And I'm actually going to be thinking about whether I like the day. Exactly. Like you need to flip it to be like, I am a judge on American Idol and they're a contestant. Like I'm here to see if they're going to make the cut. Dance for me.

Do a sing. Do a dance. I need to be entertained. But I think a lot of people struggle, especially a lot of young women. It's like you feel like you have to chase someone in order for them to like you. And I think that all comes from the places of like this crazy bullshit timeline. You know, it's like you feel like you're missing out if you're not in a serious relationship by 21 or 22. Or again, like you said, didn't have that high school fling.

That timeline is so fake. And it doesn't exist and you can still be happy being 26 with a nice little puppy and going on dates and taking time. You know, you don't become a surgeon after one day of class. It things, good things you have to work towards. Good things take time. And yes, there's some relationships where you meet in a cute supermarket and you find a love of your life and you're happily ever after. But for most of us, it's going through the ups and downs of the dating apps. It's going, putting yourself out there. But every time you put yourself out there, you learn a little bit about what you want and more importantly

what you don't want and the fact that you're walking away from the things that you don't want are actually making you a better version of yourself because every time you say no to things that hurt you, you're saying yes to the future version of you and building a more confident version of you. Oh my gosh, that was so powerful.

I'm not screaming me on. Oh my God. I'm like this is like really giving me a bit of a wake-up cult if I'm like overwhelmed. But also like the people need to hear it. The people need hear it. I honestly think that like we've spoken about this a little bit as well but sometimes we worry about the people that are going to leave our lives when we start to embody confidence more and for sure that does happen like especially people in like who you're like

kind of romantically invested in who are like what do you mean I can't just walk all over you? Like oh god but you will lose people however I think that I I also was quite bullied in primary school and in high school. And I've realized that nothing could be as bad as that. So I've kind of taught myself to not feel embarrassment. And the moment that I stopped caring about what other people thought, especially people who didn't love me and just let myself be authentic, suddenly I actually had more friends than I've ever had.

And I had more people wanting to be with me. I felt like a magnet. It was kind of like the moment that you step into your power and are like, this is who I am either like it or I'm not interested. People love that. That is so freaking magnetic and powerful. Like, I think confidence is literally like life secret hack to attracting what you want. Have you found that like not just with dating, but like in your career, in your friendships, etc?

My life in the last three years since I, again, I told you I had that epiphany that like I need to start being the real me and not chasing the things that are. just temporary fixes. My life has changed 100%. Three years ago, I was a dishwasher, a hostess, a struggling model. And then when I started the TikTok journey, you know, my first few videos going viral, I was shocked. And I, and it was a choice that I was like, am I going to leap into this totally scary, unknown world and shoot for something better? Or am I going to stay with my old ways that, you know, haven't done, aren't serving me anymore? Am I going to stay with that group of friends that are not serving me anymore or am I going to risk it all and try and be the version of myself that I know I could be. So I've always, again, since making that, even when I was in my

early 20s, I just loved learning about people. And I think that's like a great tip that I could give if you're just starting to cultivate your confidence. If you just start to open the conversation up, you'll realize that a lot of people are not as scary as you've built them to be in your head. And you also get rejected in the process, which will then make you realize that rejection is not going to kill you, babe. You know, it's actually, it's like exposure therapy. Like when you go get your latte, rather than having your headphones on and being like, you know, I'm scared, like that hopperista, I don't know what to say. Say, hey, be like, hey, thank you so much. This latte art is amazing. And then he'll end up talking about his dog or, you know, you'll start chatting. And I think realizing

that like again you're on the same page as everyone else there's no one better than you and there's no one less than you and treat people with that same respect will gravitate that same respect towards you um i think a lot of times it's very easy and i i did this too where like you know the cool girl syndrome or all those you know you see these ticot trends of these girls especially now and now it is harder than ever to be confident because you're seeing the illusion of digital confidence that may not exist behind the screen. So I want everyone that is intaking content to please keep that in mind, you know, that girl that's walking in the street as confident.

You don't know who that really is. It's a 15-second video. And you can't build confidence in 15 seconds. And anyone that's going to tell you that is lying. So the thing is how you start to build it over time. That's the thing. Give it time. Start talking to people.

Start being like, I have a story that I want to share. and I also want to hear other people's stories too. And then it builds this beautiful chemistry that then you walk through life, not as someone proving, but someone that's curious. And then again, simple tip, people love to talk about themselves. You open that door and you're going to make friends with everybody. And again, once you start talking to people, you're going to realize, like, I'm interesting too.

So it starts, there's a lot of work that you do behind the scenes, right? Like journaling your insecurities, like saying, this is what I'm struggling with. I don't like how this looks or I don't like how I say this, this, this is, this. A lot of times we're hypercritical over ourselves and nobody notices these things anyway. But the second thing, I would say do a friend audit. If you have friends in your life that are talking down to you, making you feel like shit or being like, oh, are you going to wear something like that?

Cut, cancel, delete. That is truly poisonous for your confidence journey. So do a friend audit and then be very open about putting yourself out there and putting yourself into new experiences. The things that's scary you should go towards a little bit more, especially if it's like new activities, new friends, like join that kickball league, join a pottery class, write that fucking play. You know, the things that you've been putting off because you're too scared to do,

you just start today, one hour, you know? All 30 minutes. Five, five, whatever. Literally just do it. Sponsored by Nike. Yeah, sponsored by Nike. Just kidding. The other thing I always think about, which is more like this is like a mental,

I don't know if you do this as well, but it's like a mental exercise. When I, when I used to like walk into a first day, when I'd walk in, when I now walk into like a room of new people, I imagine this like big golden bubble around me. And every time I breathe, it like comes out of my heart and it's like this big glittery bubble that everyone else can see. And I'm just like, I'm just expelling this like insane magnetic confidence, like this confident force. and that like visualization of myself as this like magnetic golden sparkling orb is so powerful and like just changing how I hold myself and the energy I give off and people respond to your energy if that's why like fake it to make it so correct like psychologically because people are going to mirror your behavior back to you if you are

telling them to treat you in a certain way i.e as it's someone who is a confident person they will do that that's the only thing they have to go off is how the version of yourself you choose to put out. Yeah, there's a quote. In order to, in order, in order to be successful, you must present an image of success at all times, right? That was like a business thing that I heard. Because, you know, I think it's very scary in our 20s because it's like, we kind of don't know what the fuck we're doing. And we're supposed to have all this pressure to be like, oh, I'm going to get an A in my university and I'm going to go to this college and I'm going to be a CEO by 29, you know, all that stuff, right? But I think the key thing, especially like if we want to like specifically target energy and business and growing that side of

yourself um be prepared and i think that's it in everything like i don't drink any time i'm before like i will never drink before i'm filming the next day because i know that my energy will be impacted by a hangover so the things that you really want in life if you're given the opportunity you have to make sure that you're ready so that confidence of course is a muscle that you you build, but also there's micro habits that you can make that directly impact your confidence. You're not going to be confident if you're 15 minutes late for the meeting. You literally have a hangover from hell. You're, you don't know, you didn't even read what this conversation is about. So fake it until you make it be prepared to fake it. You know what I mean? Like have the preparation done.

And I think that's also really important when it comes to like your personal life too, where it's like, if you're going into a date, it's very easy just to like be just scared of the situation. You know what I mean? And just like fall back into old habits. But like, again, what you're saying about that energy, like I love how you visualize that. And I think it's so real. And the biggest thing that I've noticed in my life, now that I've started to respect myself,

people respect me. So when I was like either getting. like sloppy drunk on a first day or like kind of being all over the place in my work, you know, all this stuff. Find out what giving yourself respect looks like. I can't tell you what that is. Only you can know what that is. But I know that all of us intuitively know what respect looks like to ourselves.

Like and I think while I give this advice also know that is such a fluid journey and do not be overly rigid. Like you could be a CEO in the morning, kill a meeting, go on. a date go get drunk and order like Taco Bell the next day like it's okay but like also know like your higher goals so know that growth my growth has been very fucking messy and I still don't have all the answers but I think you can't you don't lose if you don't quit and like I have a lot of journeys that I'm still working with with my confidence and with who I want to be but I just know that like I'd rather chase the dream than chase the wrong things that I know don't serve me anymore.

2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong.

Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-P-Cent on the I-Hart Radio. app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking.

What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at It podcast. I'm Sam Jette. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all. all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack.

I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so you all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah.

For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Keer Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we, are in possession of the thing.

And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth, or are you a good person because you're afraid?

Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure and purpose on my new podcast,

Learn the Hardway. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story.

This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Sond's, correct? I doctored the test once. It took an army of Internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected.

They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Lesbian and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences.

Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Maricopa County as, Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped Podcast on the Iheart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I think the things that we've talked about are really valuable for not just people like you know, like just people in their 20s, right? Especially like women in their 20s because this is, everyone wants to be confident. Everyone wants to have like these amazing relationships and whatnot. But it's a lot harder to do it and like having a bit of a sense of like how you can go about that just by by controlling something that is very much completely in your control.

Like your confidence levels is like super super valuable. So I want to say thank you so much for coming on this show. Thank you so much for finding time to chat. It was honestly inlining for me. I feel inspired. I feel like I'm going to go out and buy this like outfit that I really wanted to buy. I got. Send me a tag.

I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'll wear it when I see you. I'll wear it out for dinner with you. We can look like hot. So thank you so much. Thank you for having me, Gemma. You're a bright light to the world and you're helping all of us navigate our 20s. So I'm so grateful for you and thank you for having me. God, look at this positivity circle here. Also, if you are not following tip, what are you doing? What are you doing? Come on. She's so funny. She is just like hilarious. confident magnetic. She posts so many like good little nuggets of information and also just like really like high quality content. You obviously do street hearts at NYC, which is like your matchmaking show. You post tips for people who want to muddle. You just post like New York tips. Anything that you need, she's a big sister. She's your New York big sister. She's your confidence big sister. So go and give her a follow. And as always, if you enjoy the podcast, please feel free to give a five-star review. Wherever you are listening right now,

make sure that you're following so that you know when new episodes are coming out. If you have an episode suggestion, please follow us at That Psychology Podcast or just follow us because you want to because we share behind the scenes, video content, anything, everything over on that platform. So it was so great to have you here.

And as always, we will be back next week with another episode. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the signs of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%.

That's TWO.% on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed, I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends.

Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at it, Pop. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me. I'm Sam Jay. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it.

With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. I mean, it was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games.

This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. This is an IHeart podcast Guaranteed Human