The Psychology of your 20s - 151. Stop getting attached too quickly ft. Lyss Boss

Episode Date: December 11, 2023

We all know the feeling of going on a few dates with someone and, suddenly, you're unable to stop checking your phone for messages, wondering when they're free, imagining the wedding, your future kids. And then we are left depleted, ghosted or disappointed. This is what happens when we romanticise the idea of someone, engage in fantasy bonding and it can often end up sabotaging the relationship. In today's episode we are joined by the wonderful Lyss Boss, host of the Date Yourself Instead podcast to break down how we can take things slow and not get caught up in the idea of someone before we truly know them. Listen now.    Follow Lyss: @lyss Listen to Date Yourself Instead here: https://open.spotify.com/show/6ie2ywivlNvFCO8LLJYgo7?si=7f7b358f090c4c28  Follow me: @jemmasbeg Follow us on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we break

down the psychology of your 20s. It is December, which means it is the guest season of the podcast. And today, we're bringing on someone who has actually been here before, who I'm actually a massive fan of. I would say we're friends. She can, she can. She can. can say what she she can confirm or deny but i feel like if you don't know who list is and her podcast date yourself instead what are you doing she is incredible she is amazing and she is here today to talk about how we can stop getting attached so quickly list thank you so much for coming on again yeah thank you for having me again i'm so excited and i know it's the most cozy time of year and everyone's getting prepared for the holidays i'm very excited to be here

I'm also very jealous that it's actually summer where you are and freezing cold where I am. Yeah, I know. But by the time I'm, by the time this is released, I will be where you are as well. So we can suffer together in the New York winter. Yes, but New York is absolutely amazing during the holiday season. So I'm really excited for you to come. I am as well. I feel like I'm hoping for a white Christmas. Fingers crossed. We'll see what we'll see what it brings. But I feel like if you are listening to this and you have not listened to the first episode we did together, which was like back at the start of the year, pause and go and listen to that first because it is very, very good. But do you want to tell people kind of what you do, the basis for your show? Because I feel like for those of the listeners who are, if you are single right now, if you are someone who is trying to date in your 20s or your 30s,

or beyond who is struggling with self-worth, with actually investing in yourself and investing in the right people. What do you talk about on your show list? I talk about all things, self-love, healing. If you're going through a breakup, if you're going through a hard time, the reason I created the date yourself instead movement was to really just put the focus back on yourself, especially if you are coming out of a breakup. You can often lose yourself or forget who you were before you met that person and it was inspired by my own breakup. And a lot of the messaging is just centered around knowing yourself, knowing your worth, stepping into your power. And that's why I'm really excited to talk about this particular topic today, all about attachment, because it ties in

perfectly to pretty much everything I talk about also. I feel like a lot of our episodes overlap. Yeah, especially the dating episodes because I think that when we talk about attachment in our 20s, it is really at the root of a lot of the, I would say, like, love conundrums that we come across, right? The fact that there are some of us out there, like the hopeless romantics, the sentimental, the sensitive, who no matter how hard we try, get attached way too quickly to another person, project this whole like fantasy onto this individual that we might not even know yet. You know, when I was single, I remember like going on, like, like one or two dates with someone and being like, yeah, so like wedding will probably be in June,

you know, for summer. And like, hopefully he's okay if we call our kids this. And I don't think that it helps you. Like, I don't think it helps you. I don't think it helps the relationship. It makes you so much more invested and more likely to be hurt early on. And it doesn't really let the relationship develop. But I think that we can know all of these things about us, right? Like we can understand that this is our pattern, this is our habit and relationships, this is part of who we are to get attached and not really know what to do about it. So why do you think that we get attached too quickly? Like what are some of the major reasons that you've identified? You know, I'm the type of person who used to get so overly attached and I knew I was getting attached to the wrong person all the time. but it was really out of fear, and I talk about this a lot.

Like, when you are alone and you really miss having someone in your life and you miss having a partner and then you meet someone new that has some slight potential, you kind of grasp onto it because you're like, oh, my God, you know, we like the same foods and we had a lot in common on the first date and maybe this could go somewhere and we fantasize and project this fantasy onto that person without really knowing anything about them. if we're coming from a place of fear that we're going to be alone forever. I think you're operating out of fear essentially when you latch yourself onto someone that you don't even know that well or maybe you've only been on a couple of dates and you're like,

this is the one when in reality, I mean, sometimes they can be the one. Sometimes it can work out. But oftentimes I just remember getting myself into a lot of situations and even a situation I came out of recently where I saw bits and pieces of potential. and just because I'm alone and I wasn't really seeing anyone else, I latched on to this idea of them that wasn't even real. And I think a lot of people can relate to that. It's like the fantasy bonding, right? You're not falling in love with who this person is in reality. You're falling in love with the version of them that you've created in your head that you are, that is like the perfect

person for you, right? Especially like when you said you're operating from a place of fear, where a lot of us have this intrinsic, I think intrinsic anxiety and worry that we will be alone forever. And maybe part of preventing yourself from getting attached so quickly is understanding that that might not actually be the worst thing in the world. You know, it's not a death, like not finding someone before 30 or before 40 or before 50 does not mean that your life will not have meaning.

It doesn't mean that you can. can't still be a very content and happy person. Do you think that that's also part of the fear? Like the fear that to not have a partner means that your life is kind of wasted or that you're missing out on something? Well, I think the feeling of love, if you've gotten a taste of it before, it's something that we're constantly chasing because that high, like when you're first getting to know someone and it actually starts working. If you've been in love before, I think it's easy to want that again and again and kind of, you know, search for it and look for it again and again. And, you know, I think that's a part of the process of everything.

Like I think there's no shame in trying to like seek out those good feelings and seek out those emotions that could make you want to feel like you're in love again. But at the same time, yeah, I think it often comes, like love comes and anything comes in life when you're most grounded in your own frame and you're focused on yourself. and you become more magnetic when you're just centered and you're not actively trying to seek all of these things. And that's why when we were talking about before, like when you met your boyfriend, it's like when you aren't really looking for it and you kind of least expect it, but at the same time, you're open to opportunity. Like, it's not completely closing yourself off

from anything. It's just kind of going with the flow and trusting the process. And that's why I always say like trust the process and I have that tattoo because it's kind of like a way to not keep that resistance and you know if you're wanting something too badly it's almost blocking you from actually finding the right person and when you attach yourself to people that aren't good for you you're often kind of blocking what could actually be good for you I 100% agree with that 100% because I think that when you are when you are overlooking parts of someone that you know are not good for you just because you want connection, just because you want intimacy. What you're really doing is kind of abandoning yourself for someone else's gain, right?

You're abandoning yourself and putting up with someone else's behaviour that you probably wouldn't tolerate from the love of your life. I saw this thing the other day that was like, the love of your life would not treat you the way that you're being treated. So stop confusing, I think, attachment with love or with actual connection. And also, when you're able to identify exactly what you want, exactly who you are, there is this confidence to you that means that you will suddenly attract so many people who are much better options. And people will actually be able to know you as who you are.

And I think knowing yourself for who you are means that that unconditional love that we expect from others is going to be true, right? It's not going to be based on a fantasy they have of you either or a fantasy that you have of them because you're really like centered and grounded in your own reality and in your own expectations and in your own sense of self. Yeah, for sure. And I think it's easier said than done too because there's a lot of times where, you know, I create these boundaries for myself and I create really high standards for myself in my head. And sometimes if you just tell yourself, yeah, like, I'm not going to tolerate this. I'm not going to tolerate that. It's not really that effective because words are words, you really have to feel it and believe

it. You know, you really have to be in a place in your life where you're actually grounded and you actually have worked on yourself a lot and healed so many parts of yourself that you know that you will not settle for anything less than what you deserve. And I was humbled recently from a situation where, you know, and I'm going to talk about this on my own podcast at some point, but like I'll say it on here also. I was in a situation recently where I got attached to this idea of the potential of what something could be with a person that kept convincing me that he was going to change. And any time I would bring something up, you know, I would see bits and pieces of potential where he was treating me right at certain points. And he was doing and saying the right things at certain points.

But there were so many other problems and I would overlook it because I got attached to the fantasy. And it's such a common thing because when you want to see the good in people and when you want love and you are a loving person, it's easy to latch on. And there's no shame in it. But it's there to teach you a valuable lesson about, you know, really putting all that energy into yourself versus externally throwing it at someone else that doesn't deserve it. And I think I learned that through a lot of my situationships and relationships in general. So, yeah. But you get to like a good point where it's like these relationships are not a waste, right? Like they are teaching you something.

I used to be like every person who breaks my heart, every person where it doesn't work is just one step closer to someone who will. And if you poured all of that love and all of that energy and that intimacy and that time into the wrong person, imagine how amazing it's going to be when it's with the right person. Like imagine how, like, it's just going to be, and I know this to be true. Like, it's insane and it's the best feeling when the love that you've always shown people that's never been reciprocated is finally reciprocated. And you realize what true attachment and true connection and true compatibility actually feels like rather than getting caught up in the intensity, in the fantasy, in like the anxiety

of pursuing someone who doesn't want you back. Because I also think that sometimes we confuse a lot of that anxiety with excitement and with chemistry. I don't know if you do this, but I think that it's just they feel very similar in our bodies. And so we confuse the sensations and that creates this very instantaneous attachment. Yeah. I mean, I think my rule now with my emotions is if I'm at all uncomfortable, anxious and worried within the first few dates, it's a hard no. Like your gut will tell you almost instantly if it's not going to work. And well, at least for me, I truly believe that.

And I did this survey on my Instagram a while ago that was asking people who were in serious relationships or married, how they knew their person was the one and they weren't just getting, you know, attached to some random person. And almost every response said, I felt a sense of peace and calm. Like I had never experienced before where I felt safe. My nervous system felt at peace and at ease. And it was something that I didn't know existed. And I was like shocked.

Like so many people had the same answer. And I was really thinking about it. I'm like, I don't know if I've ever actually experienced that. And that's something that I'm looking forward to now because we tend to get attached to people that make us anxious, especially if we're anxious attached people. Like I have anxious attachment style. I don't know about you. But I'm an anxious attached person.

So it's kind of easier to spot when something's not working for me early on now. And I know that I need to detach myself and remove from the situation quickly. That's actually such a good point. Like I'm going to say I feel that way now where everyone used to always say to me, love is meant to be easy. and it's meant to be calm and it's meant to be peaceful. And I was like, that sounds really boring. I really honestly thought that. I was like, that sounds boring.

I'm used to like the spark. I'm used to like this intense passion that is so self-destructive and will burn out your relationship. And I think sometimes we meet those people, right, who could be the one, who could really fulfill us. But we sabotage the relationship because we have gotten so used to this. of people who have made us feel a certain way, that we don't really trust our first impression.

We see someone as boring. We might see someone as not really our type. Because we are expecting this like firework of feelings when really what you should be looking for is the person who, of course, you have so much fun with and who sees you and who you're excited by, but who also at the end of the day does not leave you questioning whether they actually want to be with you. And if you were to, like, it's the, you should not be sitting there being like, does this person actually like me? The moment that you are asking yourself that question, A, the answer is no, B, the second part of that is you need to run. Like, you need to cut that person out because I think that, like, I don't know if you've had that experience, but I'm like, that is no good sign for the start of a relationship. Oh, yeah.

Well, the experience I just recently went through with someone, it was dragged out for five full months. And five months. Five months of my time. I mean, listen, a lot of the time I wasn't physically together with him. Like, we live in different countries. I barely saw him throughout those five months. But it was a lot of texting, communication, whatever. And it's still energy.

You know, it's still your time and it's still your feelings at play and it's still your emotions. So, you know, I always say, like, your time and your energy towards someone is your currency. and it's really true because I started getting a little too invested and I would try to make shit work all the time with him where it was like I was like okay um you know I'm here you're there what's going on like do you want to talk whatever and he would just always find a way to make it difficult right and then once I pulled back he would try to get me reattached you know it was one of those games where it was like I would kind of detach myself and remove and say, you know what, F this, I'm out. And he would be like, oh, no, talk to me. I want to talk through

it. What's going on? And manipulate me back into the situation. I think that's why a lot of people hold on. And that's why I'm bringing it up right now because maybe it could help someone. Like, you know, people will find a way to keep you holding on even if they don't want you. And it has to be up to you to cut the court and walk away. And eventually, I did. And I cut the court and I said, you know, this is my life. This is my feelings. This is like, you know, my energy and my time. And if you're not valuing that and you're playing this game with me where you just want me around, but you're not actually going to see any sort of future with me, what the hell am I doing? You know, so I think a lot of people could probably relate to that situation because people will want you to be attached to them. People will

want you to hold on to them and they'll feed you this idea that maybe it could work. And it's so relatable. And, you know, even someone who has a dating podcast, like I literally talk about this and give advice about this, it is easier said than done when you're in a situation where there's a connection. So, you know, but you learn from it. And I'm like, I feel like it's made me even better and stronger and I'm like happy. And it's all good.

But it's, uh, it's, it's very common. It's this thing, right, where it's not that that person didn't know what he had. He was very aware of what he had. That is why he was constantly trying to bring you back in. Maybe he was obsessed with the chase. That made him feel like it was worth it. He knew what he had. He just didn't know what to do with it.

And he didn't want to treat you in the way that you deserved, right? I think that sometimes when we encounter these people who, aren't willing to commit or who act in the way that this man was acting trash man. That's such terrible behavior. But when we meet people who act in that way, we think that for them to fully want us would be the biggest, biggest sign to us that we are worth something. And so it's not just about attachment. It's also about our sense of self-esteem.

And it's about our sense of self-value and our sense of value as a person where we think okay well if this person doesn't want me if this person isn't willing to treat me the way that I deserve what does that say about me and so you become obsessed with almost winning them over or proving to them that they should change or they should treat you differently because that kind of journey that kind of convincing is a proxy for you trying to convince yourself that you have value if this person believes it, you can finally believe it. And there are people out there who unfortunately understand that and understand that they can have that impact on people and who use it. And I think, I know that you and I are both very, like, romantic and sensitive people.

I think that's, like, a brilliant, brilliant thing. But do you think that also is one of the reasons why people get attached a little bit too quickly? I think if you're a very loving person and you're very vulnerable and you're sensitive as a person. And, you know, a lot of women are. I mean, a lot of people are. I'm not going to just pin it on women. A lot of people in general are. But I think for me, I'm just speaking from my experience.

I think I have a hard, you know, shell maybe, but I'm really soft. And I try to give people as many chances as I can because I just, you know, and you're the same way probably you just want to see the good in people because we're good people. And a lot of people are like that where they're good people and they want to believe that the other person on the other end of their situation, ship or relationship is the same way that they are. But that's really not often the case. You know, when you're in a situation where you're latching onto someone and they know what they have and they're not able to value it, but they still want to keep you around. I think it's easy for sensitive people who love very deeply to get taken advantage of.

I do, unfortunately. But I also think, as you mentioned earlier, about knowing your worth and having a really good self concept of yourself, that's the key to attracting better people into your life. And I think a lot of why we attach ourselves to people is also related to low self-esteem. And I'm not going to lie. I tend to get insecure, especially when it comes to love. I tend to nitpick myself internally. And that's something I'm working on now. And it's something I've been working on for a while where I want to wake up every day feeling so insanely confident that I know 100% what I have to offer all the time.

But there's a lot of people in my past who have chiseled away at that version of me that I want to be. So if I'm like, you know, I'm amazing, I'm beautiful, I'm the best. I've had a lot of guys try to like break that down. And because I'm sensitive and I let them in, it's affected me, you know, where they say, oh, you know, go put on makeup. Or like, I've had guys tell me that. Or like, sorry, I'm not like laughing because it's funny. I'm laughing because it's absolutely insane. Or like.

Shock. Yeah. Or like, you know, I've had guys comment on my weight. before like I don't know why they just have and I'm like okay this is making me uncomfortable or I've had guys tell me I'm not worth a certain you know amount of money or like if they take me out they expect me to pay for everything things like that where it's made me feel like garbage because I'm like okay am I not worth like a five dollar coffee so you know it's just about learning how to build yourself up again and have that like unbreakable unshakable self-

self-confidence and then you'll probably attract better people into your life. I also think that those experiences, right? It's so hard when it's so unfair. It's not just hard. It's unfair when you have to undo the damage that someone else has done. Where someone has like come into your heart, come into your soul, come into your life, and then like, I'm going to make a mess of this just for fun. Like I'm going to chisel down this person's confidence.

I think because they understand that then you're more reliant on them for your confidence so they have more control of you. Maybe they don't realize it. Maybe you don't realize it. But I think that I've seen that in my own life so many times. And it's just, it is unfair to be like, okay, well, now this experience is a part of me. And it's not something that I'm ever going to forget. It's not something that I'm not going to think of of time to time. But I do think that your point of like, you need to become almost like this, you need to become this like impenetrable kind of fortress of like self-love and self-worth and confidence where you're like your opinion of me, how you choose to treat me has absolutely nothing to do with who I am.

Because when you think about it, there are millions of people out there who sometimes we don't, we don't give them a chance or we just haven't met them yet, who would treat you amazingly. it's this like it's this metaphor of like your worth stays the same it's just how much someone else values it and what kind of price you're willing to take like I saw this analogy that was like

a bottle of water you know at the grocery store is like is a dollar a bottle of water at like the airport is like six dollars like a bottle of water at like a concert is like $12 like the water remains the same like it's the same product but it's where you're valued, it's where there is demand for the kind of person that you are.

And I think some part of us, when we have gone through a lot of dating experiences, where we have been rejected, shut down, we have fallen into this pattern of looking for the same kind of people, we really forget that. And we forget that there are actually so many people out there who would value us for who we are. So what are some of the signs of someone who is worth emotionally attached? to who is worth that effort and who you think is like I know with this whole episode is like how do I not get attached too quickly sometimes though there are people who you have a gut instinct to write for you like what are some of the distinctions do you think between the people you

should absolutely avoid and the people who you should kind of be willing to be more vulnerable with oh I think someone who understands your emotions early on you don't have to explain yourself. It's just easy, you know, it just flows. The communication that is there. They understand who you are and what you're about early on in the relationship where they can, you know, kind of understand your needs and respect them and respect your boundaries. I think respect and having a mutual respect early on for one another is such a green flag and, you know, consistency. I think a really big thing for me personally what I've seen and the people that I've ended up in serious relationships with is they were always consistent they knew exactly what they wanted and they were like it's you

you know it's you you're the one and I want to date you and everyone deserves that everyone deserves that feeling of being wanted and there's nothing wrong with wanting that feeling of being wanted but you know I think we often try to convince ourselves out of things that we try to convince ourselves of things that are maybe not necessarily good for us, we try to justify why things can change all the time. And we try to make up stories in our head and fantasize like, oh, you know, maybe once he's done with work, you know, he said work's busy for the next two months. Maybe things will get better after that. Or, you know, I've heard that excuse many times. Oh, I'm busy with work and, you know, I'm not really looking for a relationship at this time,

but I will be. It's a very common excuse. Or like, You know, just things like that where no one's making excuses about wanting to be with you or see you. Someone who can make a plan and want to see you and want to be around you because if you like someone, you're going to want to spend time with them. That's just a natural human instinct. Those are all green flags to me where I'm like, yes, okay, you want to see me. You want to talk to me. Everything feels emotionally safe. Huge, for me, at least, indicators that it's moving in the right direction.

What about you? Well, I actually was listening to that being like, yeah, I completely agree 100%. One other one I would say, which I think actually links to what you were talking about is they don't just want you on their terms. Because I think that that example that you gave of, oh, works really busy. I don't want to date you. But also, yeah, please come over five nights a week and, like, come and hang out with me. It's like, that is them giving, that is them basically being like, I want you on my. my terms. I want you when it's convenient for me. I don't care about you. I don't care about what you need

for me. Yeah, it's like, it's so common. I think especially like in guys who are like 20, like early 30s, where I get it, right? Like it's not, it might not be a huge priority for them. But there are people out there who it would be a priority, who seeing you would be a priority, who spending time with you would be a priority and it wouldn't just be based on like what their schedule looks like and it wouldn't just be based on like how their life is going right now they would make space for you to be there and then I also think the other thing is being really clear about the future there is no like oh yeah ambiguity around the fact that you are in their future with them so then being like oh you know even as small as being like oh next week we should um go

to this museum or I really want to go to this restaurant, we should go. Or being like, I think I'm going to go. Yeah, like, hey, like, you know, Christmas, I'm going to go see my parents. Like, what are you doing for Christmas? Like, there is a sense of like continuity there. It's not, and I think that's really important, especially if you are someone who is anxious because you're not constantly trying to anticipate when the relationship is going to end. This person, oh my God, I love that. Yeah, but they have, like, it's true, right? Like they have enough respect for you to make you feel comfortable that the relationship is going somewhere. Yeah, 100%. Like I remember when I got into my last relationship, I was shocked by how forward and how much effort he was making. And I was like, wait, this is normal.

Like, this is what normal is. I don't have to decipher what he's trying to say and question if he likes me. He was literally from the beginning, he was like, I want to hang out with you. I want to take you to dinner. I want to see you. And he was constantly following up about plans and making an effort so, like so many times. And I was the one blowing him off. You know, like I was the one saying, I'm busy.

I have plans. Because I was scared. I was like, what is this? Like, is this man mentally stable? Like I thought he was the problem at first because I had never experienced what it's like to actually be wanted in a healthy way, which is crazy. which is crazy to think about. I mean, I did have other boyfriends before

that were pretty straightforward, but there was a little more effort involved. But with him, it was just, it was so forward and it was so easy. And I learned so much from that relationship because he always knew what he wanted. And it was, it was like too easy. It just felt so good.

And I remember he would always include me in his plans. He would always make me a part of his life. He would say, do you want to meet my friends? Do you want to come to my party that I'm having with the people that I know? You know, he always made me a part of his circle from the beginning. And that's how I knew it was different. I knew it was different right away because I was like, he wants me to meet his friends on day two?

Like, what's happening right now? I think a lot of people, I want to say men, some people get annoyed like saying like men and women, whatever. But I really do believe, like if we're talking from a male perspective, they kind of know instantly if they want to be with you. And maybe that's not the best. You know, obviously I know it doesn't apply to every relationship because every relationship has a different course. But I truly believe, for the most part, a man kind of knows what he wants within the first couple of dates.

I also think that men in particular do not face the same societal pressure that women do to settle. So I think that that's something that we can take, right? It's something that we can take from them. That's why they know instantly. that's why they know whether they like someone or not is because they are not also trying to navigate. Well, I'm like, they're also not trying to navigate the sense of like, oh, you know, better find someone by 30. Like my biological clock is ticking or I don't want to be a spinster or I don't want to end up alone or all my friends are in relationships. Like women have been so indoctrinated by society and have learned so much about how they deserve to be trained.

from like almost a deficit mindset where the thing that you need most is a relationship, whereas for men, the thing that they need most is like career success or like financial stability. And as much as we think that like that has changed, there is still, that is still very implicit in how we are raised. It's very implicit in the world we see around us. So I think that's why men are so much better able to make those kind of judgment calls. Also, I love that, he like introduced you to his friends. I always say they should be treating you the way that you want to be treating them. Right. So if you're someone who is like, I really want you to meet my friends and they're not doing that, there is an imbalance there. Like that's also a very easy way

to see it. Yeah. I mean, I hadn't really thought too deeply into it. And like I remember when I first, you know, started hanging out with him. He was just so inclusive. Like he just made me feel wanted and appreciated and he wanted to show me off. That was it. It was like he wanted to put me on a pedestal and say, look at her. This is the person I'm with. And I had never had that before. I had never really had someone that was so proud to be next to me. And I think that's what it taught me is like there are people out there that will be so proud to show you off and be next to you and be like, this is the person I'm with. Like I'm so proud to be dating them. And I always felt that sense. of like I was proud to be dating him also.

You know, I was like a mutual exchange of like we were both proud to be each other's partners. And I think that's such a good feeling because you're like, I love the qualities that you have and I'm not embarrassed to be out in public with you because there's been people that have treated me badly. And I'm like, if I run into someone I know and they know what's going on with this situation. It's like that makes me look bad because I'm like tolerating someone that, you know, won't

commit to me or whatever. And my friends know if they see me out, they're going to shit on me for being with this person, you know? But with him, I remember I was like, I want the people in my life to know how amazing he is. And I think he, you know, he felt the same way about me. So it ended up being a really good relationship. But it also set the standards. So now it's like, that's what I want times 100. Like if I'm going to get married to someone, my husband better be shouting my name from the rooftops in New York City. Yeah. You know, bare minimum. You know, that's seen in friends where Monica gets engaged. and she's like, I'm engaged.

I want my husband to be doing that, please, and thank you. Like, you are the prize. So I feel like if that's like the gold standard, our tendency to get attached too quickly, we've already identified as not helping us in this. Because it's not, A, allowing you to see, yeah, you're not seeing things clearly. Sometimes it ends up sabotaging the relationship

where you, like, put undue pressure, not on the other person, but on you as a couple, you as a pair way too early before like it's ready to hold that kind of responsibility. So what are some of the ways that we can kind of slow down the attachment process, take things slowly, take our time and really listen to our gut instinct? Well, I think it comes down to what we were talking about earlier is really grounding yourself and being in your own frame and knowing that, you know, you should not be. settling just because you're alone. And that's a big thing that a lot of people, as you just said,

that really blew my mind earlier. The point you made about how men have the societal, they don't have the societal pressure that women do to settle because they're, you know, it's like the clock is ticking for women. That's like a whole thing that I guess we see advertised everywhere nowadays. And I think there's so much truth to that. And I think just putting everything into perspective and understanding that it's so much worse to rush and deep dive into someone that's not good for you and latch onto someone that's not good for you and then get attached to something that's not going anywhere. It's so much worse in the long term. And really thinking about it from like pulling yourself out of it and looking like from a bird's eye view in a way and just saying, okay, like, how is this going to help me in the long term?

if you don't think it is and you think it's not going to go anywhere, it's better to wait and it's better to focus on yourself and direct all that energy inwards. And I think like ways I've done that is, you know, I mean, this might sound cliche. But actually, though, I meditate every single day. And I tell myself self-love affirmations almost every single day. And I'm very big on self-concept because your self-concept plays into everything. And it especially plays into your relationships. and people mirror to you where you're at in your life, right? And people mirror to you how you feel about yourself. And I think unpacking those feelings of insecurity that you have when you're latched

onto someone that isn't good for you and kind of healing that is the step you need to take in order to not get attached and actually meet the right person. And that's something I'm working through right now because I still have my own healing to do too. like I'm looking for someone that's going to be the long term like the end game and I still have stuff that I'm healing which is like settling just because you know someone treats you nice temporarily and takes you to dinner like that's not a reason why you should latch on to them that's that is the bare minimum that's it doesn't mean that that's your soulmate right like but you could have

these blinders on when you're alone for a while which I under I, I, empathize, you know, I empathize when people are like, alone for a long time. You kind of have these, like, delusional goggles on sometimes. And you got to, you got to rip the goggles off. It's because you're coming at it, I think, from like a, like a scarcity mindset, where you're like, wow, I'd better grab, like, it's kind of like when everyone, when you feel like everyone else has something that you want, you're just going to grab, like, the first thing that you see, because it's going to fulfill at least the sense that you have it. I also think that when you talk about like meditating and positive affirmations,

positive affirmations work. There is so much psychology behind it. The way you speak to yourself impacts your behavior and impacts the kind of the, I hate the word vibe because it sounds so like unscientific. But kind of like the energy that you give off. Ever since I started really making a habit of changing my inner dialogue and saying, you know, I am the best person, this, like, I'm the best person that anyone's ever going to meet. I know it might sound a little, not narcissistic, but it sounds like full of yourself.

No. It's just, it's good, you know, it's good to feel like the best person in the room. Why wouldn't you want to feel like the best person in the room? Like, it doesn't mean that necessarily objectively, like maybe other people wouldn't agree with that, but it doesn't matter, you know? It matters how you feel about yourself. And that's why I always, I started telling myself these things. Like, I'm the most amazing person.

I'm so successful. I'm so beautiful. I'm so confident. These things are okay to feel about yourself. You know? Like, why shouldn't everyone feel good about themselves? So I, yeah, I do really agree with that. The whole psychology behind affirmations. I've seen massive changes in my life ever since I started. Also, it's interesting because I think a lot of people get concerned that that kind of behavior is like narcissistic. The thing is when you are in a world that is constantly trying to break down, your sense of self-concept or your sense of self-esteem, you kind of need an exaggerated practice like that, or you need to speak to yourself in an exaggerated, highly positive way to counteract that negativity in order to reach a balance. Like, I do genuinely believe it,

and affirmations are an amazing way to do that. Set a behavioral intention as well. Be like, I'm not going to settle for this. I'm not going to settle for and write a list. And also, write a list of what you truly want and when you meet someone actually honestly evaluate them against those against you know those them those non-negotiables it's a way to make sure that when it comes to situations of the heart when it comes to situations that are very emotional like attachment you are maintaining like your rational edge you are maintaining like a logical steady head when it comes to these situations, especially if you know that you are someone who gets maybe carried away. And I think also make sure that you sustain your emotional independence.

So often I used to find that I would be entirely reliant on someone else's reactions and behavior and their receptiveness to me to determine my mood. I definitely do that. Oh yeah. No, that's so common. you know when if someone doesn't react the way you expect them to or someone doesn't text you back right away or something where you just are kind of accept like you're kind of expecting a certain response if you don't get that exact response or someone's not treating you the right way it's so easy to emotionally react to that and be like oh my whole day's ruined you know but um yeah i it's very relatable but it's also like tying back into self concept once you have such a strong sense of self those things don't affect you anymore. You know, I feel like that it's happened less and less to me. Like I get less negative reactions from people now that I'm more grounded, which is an amazing thing because I think a lot of the time I was always waiting on someone's validation

of the things they said to me or how they said it or the way they phrased it in order to make me feel like, oh, I'm doing a good job. You know what I mean? And it's like you don't need that. Like you don't, this person, unless they prove it to you means nothing. Like that was a real mindset shift. where I was like, you do not deserve to be in my life until you prove that you want to be there. And then we can talk.

Like, then we can see what happens. So I think that's really important. It also prevents you from fantasy bonding when you, like, recognize that your emotional independence means a lot more than your connection to that person. Your sense of, like, just emotional wellness as well. You said something on your show the other day that was like, if this person is making you feel like ill or sick to your stomach, like that is not a good sign. Like if they am at any point making you feel like it's not a good sign. Like you don't have like IBS.

You don't have like chronic like stomach pains. Like this person is like it's just bad for you. Like they're creating physical reactions in your body. So it's also something to remember. Oh yeah. For sure. I definitely have had. I've had physical reactions to people before where, like, I was physically repulsed by things that, like, happened.

And, you know, felt actually, like, actually felt ill at times. I kept getting sinus infections when I was around this one person. Every time I would hang out with them, I got a sinus infection the next day. That's your body telling you something. And it was like, and sinuses are, I think sinuses are linked to your emotions, your emotional well-being in general, like, from a spiritual perspective. and I was doing some research on this and your body can react in crazy ways when you're around people that are not good for you

and that are sucking your energy dry and that's another way to know if you're attached to the wrong person. So keep that in mind. Also stress, like stress increases cortisol. It's going to make you experience, like, illness and sickness. It's going to suppress your immunity more that is, like, an important way your body is telling you

that something isn't right. So I think that that is a good place to end. things with a health warning. And I really do hope that like, I really do hope that if you are someone who gets attached too quickly that this episode has helped you, that this episode has given you something to think about. You know, we're moving into the new year and we're going to move into the new year unattached and absolutely madly in love with ourselves and not with someone who doesn't deserve it. So I want to thank Liz so much again for coming on. If you do not listen to her podcast, I personally listen to it. I think it's amazing

and it gives me a lot to think about. I'm sure it will give you a lot to think about as well. So thanks for coming on again. Thank you. Thank you. I tell everyone about your podcast also. It's amazing and I'm just grateful that I'm on again. Yeah, women supporting women, guys. That's what it's all about. As always, if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. And if you have an episode suggestion, if you just want to get in touch, see some behind-the-scenes content. You can follow us on Instagram at that psychology podcast.

We will be back next week with another guest episode. So we will see you then. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to,

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