The Psychology of your 20s - 158. Should you quit drinking in your 20s?

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

Alcohol is a drug, highly addictive, has proven to do damage to our minds and our bodies and yet makes up a huge part of our 20s, especially how we socialise and connect with others. In today's episode we are going to talk about the psychology of alcohol, the impact of alcohol on our brains, the influence our social circles and friendships have on our drinking habits, hangiexty, binge drinking and all the conversations about alcohol we should be having in our 20s, that maybe we are not. As part of this, we want to answer or at least explore the question: should we quit drinking in our 20s? We discuss the reasons for quitting or at least being 'sober curious' and tips for how to moderate our drinking habits. Listen now!    Follow us on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg  For business enquiries: [e-mail]     See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, listen to learn.

the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice in so much, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Gillespie and Michael Mancini.

My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available.

I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWA percent on the IHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed. I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say

trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s, and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners,

wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode. Today, we're going to talk about alcohol. The impact of alcohol on our minds, the influence our social circles and friendships have on our drinking habits, anxiety, binge drinking, all the conversations about how, alcohol that we should be having in our 20s that maybe we are not. Obviously, as we are talking,

we have just entered into a new year. And a lot of us are probably considering the ways that we can be healthier, happier, more fulfilled, whether that's eating more vegetables, exercising more, journaling, turning off our screens, or perhaps rethinking our drinking habits. I think this generation is a lot more educated and aware of the role that alcohol plays in our lives, both good and bad, and just genuinely more sober curious, more willing to question the relationship with drinking or abstain entirely. It's really interesting because when I was researching this episode, I came across this series of economic papers of like financial reports about Japan. and how in Japan at the moment, they're actually running a series of commercials to promote drinking amongst younger people

because so many people in this generation are really questioning the pervasiveness of alcohol in our lives, the fact that we drink without thinking twice whether it is worth it. And this question of should I quit drinking or at least limit my alcohol intake has been on my mind a lot recently, especially since quite a few of my friends have started cutting out alcohol from their lives, and are really seeing some insane benefits to their mental well-being, the quality of their relationships, their fitness, even their skin. One of my best friends, Sarah, was really the inspiration for this episode because she is in that very boat at the moment.

She quit drinking for a few months. and when she told me my first reaction was like how how is this possible and my second thought was I could never do that that would be way too hard for me that would be impossible no chance I literally have a tattoo of a glass of wine on my wrist alcohol it's such a deeply ingrained part of my life but at what cost is that coming at at what cost and it was these kind of knee jerk thoughts that really caused me to pause for a second and reconsider whether my drinking habits were actually healthy or it would actually be that hard for me to quit. And if it would be that hard for me to quit, impossible, even as I'd initially thought, what was to distinguish between

me and someone addicted to alcohol, clinically addicted? You know, maybe my drinking habits are a bit more socially acceptable. I don't drink at inappropriate times. I'm not drinking to the point of being hung over every day. But just because it's more socially acceptable doesn't mean it's not a problem or there isn't still kind of an underlying emotional or physical dependence occurring there. So it was here that I really began to look back at the past few months and ask myself, you know, when was the last time I didn't drink at least every second day of the week? And I really, I could not answer the question. I genuinely couldn't remember. My life, the way I socialize, the way I unwind, the way I celebrate, even just relax, it is all centered on the presence of alcohol. And I think that

that is the case for many of us in our 20s, especially as we enter into full-time work, or those around us also start working full-time. Most of the time that we reserve to see, each other to hang out is during the evenings. And what do we do when we want to socialize in the evenings? We go out for a drink. Or we go out for dinner and we get a bottle of wine or we get a beer. And then on the weekends, it's the same thing. We want to unwind. Alcohol naturally does that for us. It's this temporary stress release. And I think that has been really contributing to a lot of drinking habits that are quite second nature, that we don't actually really consider. There's also just this whole culture of drinking, especially where I live.

I live in Australia, obviously, and we're notorious for this. You know, Australians drink so much alcohol is part of the social fabric to have a beer after work, to have a beer with dinner, to have a beer with friends. And so the question just kept coming up, could I stop? not do I want to stop, but could I? And that right there is actually what we call being sober curious, thinking about your decisions to drink rather than just going along with social pressures, slowly finding ways to cut back, exploring what life could be without alcohol.

Because even though alcohol is very omnipresent in our society and the way we interact with our friends, at the end of the day, it is still a drug. I saw this quote and it really changed my perspective on this. Alcohol is the only drug that causes generational trauma that is still culturally tolerated and celebrated. And I believe that many of us perhaps just go along with drinking culture because we don't really know any differently because alcohol makes us feel good because we are worried what we would have to give up in our social life. if we chose to stop. So let's explore that today. Let's explore the question of should I quit drinking in my 20s? If you are sober curious like me, this is definitely the episode for you because I'm exploring the same time that you are. So without further ado, I say we jump into all of the psychology, the biology, the

physiology behind why we drink, what alcohol does to our minds and our bodies. And some of the reasons for quitting. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory.

We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking.

What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam Jett. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we picket here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 was big to me, not just because of crime. crack.

I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so you all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you finishing that sentence. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah.

For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your Podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month,

I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it.

And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on Earth? Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely.

And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, learn the hard way. Open your free, our heart radio app, Search learn the hard way and listen now.

In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so-ins, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected.

They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Alespian and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences.

Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until Justice. is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Alcohol is, like we said, a drug. And why it makes us feel so good and more relaxed and more sociable comes down to its impact on our central nervous system.

So drugs come into forms, depressants and stimulants. So stimulants are things like ecstasy or cocaine. They make us more active and energetic and focused, whereas alcohol is a depressant. It slows down our brain activity, our movements. It makes us less anxious because it impacts the ways that messages travel between our body and our brain. So when we have a glass of wine, for example, contained in that glass of wine is ethanol. ethanol. Ethanol is a psychoactive substance that is metabolized by our body and goes through a series of processes in our body. So the reason we get drunk and happy and carefree specifically comes down to what ethanol does to our neurotransminor systems. It stimulates the release of dopamine. It stimulates the release of endorphins, serotonin, all mood boosters, all associated with pleasure. And then it also enhances the activity of this one neurotransmitter. transmitter known as GABA. Now, GABA is an inhibitor. An inhibitor means that it has a really

calming effect on the nervous system. That is what leads to the feelings of relaxation, reduced response times, and a confused state the more drunk we get. So the reason we like to drink is because biologically, psychologically, it makes us happy. It's really as simple as that. And psychology tells us through very simple principles of conditioning and learned association that when something makes us happy, we want to do it even more. So if it also removes a negative feeling at the same time, that makes it even more, I don't know, not addictive, but even more probable that we will continue to consume an amount that creates the same feeling again and again.

it's interesting because a lot of things make us happy and aren't part of our daily lives. I like to use kind of like heroin as an example. Obviously it's a very drastic example, but we don't go and do heroin at a party or at a casual dinner. Maybe you do. I don't know. That is your prerogative. I don't think alcohol is your main concern. But the reason we don't go and do these drugs that make us feel just, as good if not better, is because it's not socially acceptable. Alcohol is not only socially acceptable. It is commonplace. It's celebrated. It's really positively viewed. So for centuries and

centuries, humans have been using alcohol to change, elevate their mood. Even before we made it into a liquid form, people used to eat fermented fruits as a way to essentially get drunk because when things ferment or they rot, they produce that ethanol. So we can see really early signs of alcoholic beverages being used in that way across the world in Rome, in the Middle Ages, in ancient China, in Japan. Even beer back in the day was as commonplace as water. And nowadays, it's associated more so with celebration because if you're feeling really great about something, why not feel even better? Why not let alcohol amplify the mood? And then, of course, we can use it in the inverse situation.

When our mood is low, when we're anxious, bored, that's a really big one. When we're depressed, we're lonely. Alcohol is a substance which can distract us from those feelings or put us temporarily in a better mood by creating artificial euphoria. So they conducted this review in 2022 and they found that alcohol is used in this way to suppress negative feelings more commonly than any other substance. And it's known as self-medicating. So self-medicating is when you use some kind of substance, activity, behavior, normally a drug of some sort, to almost minimize negative emotions and try and shift your mood back to a positive point.

And the reason alcohol is used so commonly is because it's so widely available. However, whilst it may spike your mood for a while, the problem is that if you want to keep up those lively spirits, you have to keep drinking. And if you stop, those emotions and feelings come back stronger than ever. And they also come back in the form of a hangover, anxiety, a depressed mood. So what do we do in response? Well, we start drinking again and we drink more in order to cope. When that is prolonged, I don't think need to say it, but it results in a huge cost to our personal lives, our relationships, poorer fitness, health problems, reduced concentration. Obviously, self-medication and an addiction are very different things. That's incredibly important to remember. But it can quickly become

addiction if we're not able to find more sustainable, healthy mechanisms for coping. So there was a one study published in 2019. It found that replacing alcohol in a self-medicating form, with something healthier that doesn't rely on a substance is incredibly hard to do, mainly because a lot of people don't even realize that they are self-medicating. We don't even know that the reason we have a glass of wine is because we're bored. The reason that we're drinking beer is because we're socially anxious. The reason that we're doing shots is because we want to get over our ex. That is all self-medicating. And it's so second nature. We are so in denial of what we're really trying to achieve by drinking. Obviously, that is not always the case, but it is another explanation

for why alcohol is used so widely. It's also the case, and I've mentioned this a few times, alcohol increases our sociability as well. It's a social lubricant, as people call it. It's the elixir of confidence. It makes you feel powerful. It makes you feel less insecure. So similar to this suppression of some of those darker thoughts, it also elevates the part of you that you think others are going to find more enjoyable. There is this amazing creator on TikTok, and I cannot remember their name, but I'll leave it in the description. And they talk a lot about this as a neurodivergent person, whereby they use alcohol to feel more comfortable in social situations. It has become somewhat of a crutch for them as a way to fit in because it minimizes all of that social anxiety that

would normally keep them very much in their shell. So when we break it down, the reason we often don't question our drinking habits is because alcohol makes us feel good. It's socially acceptable. It's prolific. So even if we're not consciously aware of it, there is some subliminal cultural peer pressure involved. And then of course, alcohol can be used as a coping strategy for so many internal problems or feelings, a way to feel better about who we are. So what are some of the reasons to stop in the faceable of these quote-unquote benefits? Firstly, I really, I really think that we should consider quitting or at least minimizing our drinking if you just want to see if you can. There doesn't need to be a deeper reason than that. Other than that is a personal

challenge for you. And you want to actually evaluate whether you're able to do it or whether this is a deeper problem. You want to test the nature of your reliance. Even if it's just for a month, I think you'll see some really huge changes. You will sleep better. You will have less brain fog, you'll feel fitter, your skin will improve, you'll definitely save money, that is for sure. Alcohol is such an expense for a lot of people in their 20s. Some estimates even suggest that you could save at least $8,000 a year if you are having three drinks, four days a week. That is like a free vacation right there, like hiding in your sobriety. And additionally, perhaps the biggest non-health related reason, you'll just prove to your self.

that you can. You get to trial a life without alcohol. You can set yourself a short-term goal, one that requires discipline and temporary lifestyle changes, and be committed to it. And I think that demonstrates that proves to yourself real mental strength, especially in the face of a lot of social pressure. It gives you a reason to feel proud of yourself, but it also demonstrates that you do have conscious control over these sometimes automatic behaviours, like having a glass of wine with dinner or drinking every weekend. And the longer that you abstain or just reduce your consumption, the greater the benefits become. I cannot even begin to list the amount of studies and health articles showing us that those of us who drink less than five drinks a week,

so not even completely abstaining, reduce their risk of cancer, high blood pressure, heart disease, liver damage, all of which are really long-term side effects of excessive alcohol consumption. Let's also talk about the short-term downsides of drinking excessively, or at least consistently, that you're going to avoid if you start rethinking your relationship with alcohol. The biggest one to me is hangovers and anxiety, essentially, such a universal experience of our 20s. When we drink to the point of excess of being really drunk, what we are basically doing is poisoning our body by putting in more. of a psychoactive substance, ethanol, then our bodies can process. This is why when we feel really

drunk, we often feel the need to vomit. This is literally our body saying, I am being poisoned, I cannot process all of this without it doing harm, I need to expel this or else. Throwing up, vomiting after drinking alcohol is the body's natural way of removing what is actually a harmful material. And the next morning, we're going to feel the impact of that. Where, When our body metabolizes alcohol, it releases this substance that contributes to feelings of nausea, headaches, overall discomfort. It also spikes our blood sugar levels. It causes us to be dehydrated, interferes with our sleep.

That's when we start to encounter some of those psychological and mental side effects as well. Part of that is anxiety. I know that we've all experienced this. Waking up the next morning, feeling like you're in a mental spiral. worrying about what you've said or done, having this seemingly unspecified, anxious pattern of thoughts, feeling paranoid and impending sense of doom, this is so commonplace for me. And one of the major factors that really contributed to my sober curiosity was,

I didn't want to wake up and think about everything that I regretted saying the night before. I didn't kind of want that chaos in my life. when we look at the science, particularly the brain science, anxiety is directly related to that neurotransmitter GABA that we were speaking about before. It might make us feel more relaxed. But as you continue drinking, your brain also starts to shut off this hormone, this neurochemical called glutamate. So that is why we feel really calm. We feel free. We feel more natural. but they're short-lived because as the alcohol wears off, your brain needs to restore that normal chemical balance. And it does this by reducing gabber, so reducing the calm feelings and spiking that glutamate again, making you more anxious as it tries to get you back to that point of balance.

So I think both, you know, an increasing level of hangovers and anxiety, those are some of the biggest arguments for considering a limit. a reduction to your drinking, especially if you are someone who has one glass, one beer, and can't stop. The next day is always disrupted. You can't get as much done. You have to do the apology tour. Make sure you haven't embarrassed yourself. Your body just doesn't feel quite right.

And if you are someone who wants to make changes in your life and has some big goals, wants to prioritize being physically active and getting shit done, being an early riser, or just a good friend, sometimes we come. to realize that alcohol and those broader values and goals, they don't align. They are in direct opposition. And it's at this point that you really need to consider how you can build a healthier relationship with this substance. What would your life look like without alcohol in it? What would it look like with less alcohol? If there would be an improvement, I think it's somewhat irrational that you don't make that change because you are showing to yourself that despite

all the benefits, you're still very much under the thumb of this substance for some reason. Whatever that may be, you're essentially using alcohol as a way to self-sabotage, you are standing in your own way of a better quality of life, and it could be possible that you actually have less control over this behaviour than you initially believed. Another reason to quit drinking is that you're going to be able to discover who you truly are without using alcohol as a social lubricant. It will show you that you can have fun even if you're not drunk. it will show you who wants to be around you,

even if you're not buzzed and funny and saying weird shit. It will show you that sobriety isn't a buzzkill, that people are quite accepting. And it also means that you have to be more creative and how you choose to have fun. Instead of just choosing the easiest option of going out for a drink, you can go to an art class, a movie, you can go rock climbing, and you can drive there.

You can be the designated driver. Everyone loves a designated driver. obviously this is a limited number of reasons and some of them may not really motivate you as much as the others do whether it's for mental benefits physical benefits social benefits just a personal value benefit of showing yourself that you can do it there are so many reasons that are so persuasive but these are the ones that really stick out i also think that obviously we're discussing quitting drinking but the decision to moderate your drinking is just as valid and important, just as powerful, even though it might not be as much of a drastic change,

any change is good change when it comes to your health, even if you are just sober curious. I think it's important that with any automatically or socially conditioned behavior, we actually evaluate how much control we have, our reasons for partaking, and whether we are still okay with the consequences of that, whether there is a better option for us, even if it's not the status quo. I think contained in that decision-making process, though, are a number of barriers,

especially around what we would be giving up. Abstaining, deciding to limit, I think we understand that it will be difficult, and it's that difficulty, it's that fear of that discomfort and that difficulty that keeps us stuck in this behavior or in the contemplation stage. We fear what a change will cost us. We fear the friends we may lose, that life might be boring, that will miss the taste, the feeling.

So what I want to discuss next are some of the challenges, but also how to overcome them. My tips for kind of integrating sober curiosity into your life if that's something that you're interested in. So all of that and more after this short break. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more,

to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people.

I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam Jett. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 was big to me, not just because of crime.

crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you finishing that sentence. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really?

Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your Podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist,

Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests.

I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession

of the thing. And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth?

Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose.

On my new podcast, learn the hard way. Open your free, our heart radio app. Search learn the hard way and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so-ins, correct?

I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, the lesbian, and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown.

I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Maricopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until Justice. is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your

podcasts. What I've realized is that all the reasons why we choose to drink are the reasons why it's so hard to stop. Alcohol tastes good. Everyone else is drinking. It makes me feel better. It's an important part of celebrating with friends and family. It makes me more confident.

Those are just a few. And maybe that's an obvious statement. But ironically, the reason it's so hard to quit drinking is because it makes us feel so good. Because it is, as we've spoken about, a drug. It produces a lot of the chemistry in our brain that is associated with pleasure. When we drink regularly as well, our brains get used to elevated dopamine levels. And that is where our tolerance comes from. So when we make the decision to reduce or stop entirely, we are going to experience a drop in a lot of

that artificially induced euphoria and happiness that we're experiencing that we've come to rely on. The thing I always will have been questioning a lot recently, though, is, is that actually real happiness? Is that a genuine feeling of happiness? Or is it just a chemical reaction produced by alcohol? So one of the biggest reasons I had for not quitting was alcohol is just so much fun. What if I'm boring without it? What if my life, is just less enjoyable. What am I going to do on those nights when a drink would, unfortunately, make me happier? A lot of this is tied up in emotion, but equally in a fear of change. Change is really scary, especially if you are someone like me for whom alcohol is such a normal part of everyday life.

It has been since I was 18, maybe even younger. So imagining life without it comes with a lot of unknowns. It comes with a lot of fear and humans naturally fear uncertainty or any sense of change, anything that disrupts what they're used to. It also requires a lifestyle adjustment that maybe we don't feel prepared to make because the effort required or the secondary impacts on other areas or domains of our lives seem too large. There's this really valuable psychological theory that we really should discuss here actually, and it's called the theory of behavior change or the stages of behavior change. When we are in the process of making a decision like abstaining from alcohol, we go through a series of chapters, a series of stages. Firstly, we have pre-contemplation. This is where we are not even thinking about it.

We're not thinking about changing. We don't see any problem. We're happy to continue. then we might get to the contemplation stage. We're thinking about the pros and cons of quitting. We're not quite ready to do it, but it's definitely on our mind. It's definitely something that we're considering. Then we move to preparation. We know it's time to make a choice, to make a change, to make a shift. We begin to plan.

We begin to make contingencies like, okay, I'm going to go sober next month. This is how I'm going to do it. And then we have action. This is where we actually do it. This is the fourth stage. And finally, after that, maintenance. We've quit. We're not going back.

Sometimes we cycle through these stages again and again, either because we're not committed to full sobriety or because we're still trying to find the willpower to adjust and go through with it, switching between contemplation and preparation, contemplation and preparation again and again and again. That's totally okay. This theory shows us this is part of the cycle. At that moment when we're really considering maybe some of the downsides of quitting,

like what we're going to miss out on, we are in the contemplation stage. We know that it might be good for us. We know the benefits, but once again, there is either a fear or something else holding us back. And aside from the pure happiness factor, the second biggest contributor is social acceptance. I was speaking about this on Instagram the other day and I asked you guys would you be able to quit drinking? Yes, no, maybe.

If you were, if you answered no, sorry, if you said you couldn't quit drinking, why is that? Every single one of you said this. There was probably two out of like 200 responses that didn't say alcohol is so socially ingrained in my life. It is so omnipresent. What am I going to be?

miss out on if I don't drink. What are my friends going to think? Am I going to feel left out or miss out on like those drunk memories? Here's my response to that. Firstly, the memories you make when you're drunk are not actually great memories, mainly because alcohol interrupts our ability to consolidate the things that we're experiencing and turn them into memories. So a lot of the time, what we think we remember is not even what we remember. There's really a lot of points of confusion or blackout in that. Secondly, the people you lose, if it comes to that, I don't think it will. They were not around you for the right reasons. And there are so many substitutions these days for alcohol like mocktiles and like alcohol-free liquors and soft drink. The mere fact that

your beverage is not alcoholic is not going to dramatically shift your relationships, at least not the ones that matter, at least not the ones with the people who are really important. If anything, I think you'll find that your relationships will actually deepen because you will be more alert, a better listener, you won't say things you regret, you'll find other ways to hang out with your friends without alcohol being at the centre. Just because alcohol and drinking are convenient and socially acceptable options doesn't mean they are the best options, especially when we focus on the positives and the upsides of limiting our intake. And you can still have fun. I think the mere fact that you're worried you won't be able to is another reason to actually rethink your reliance on

alcohol. Because if you are relying on it as a crutch in order to socialize or be funnier, more charismatic, is it actually you in those moments or is it the alcohol that people like? Once again, who would you be without alcohol? Would you be healthier, happier, fitter, more confident? These reasons all sound really worth it. I want to class. clarify here. I am in no way is completely sober. I still drink, but since reflecting on the role that this plays in my life, I've massively reduced how much I consume and more conscious of my decisions towards drinking. I've gone from drinking maybe every night to just weekends or special occasions, holidays, and definitely not to the same level as before, where it was like alcohol was

just such a fixture in my life, right? Like it was just such a huge part of who I chose to be. And it was scary seeing who that version of me would be without it. I want to discuss some tips for my sober curious listeners out there who are maybe in the contemplation preparation stage. First of all, get clear on the why. Everyone is going to have unique reasons, whether it is for physical health, mental well-being to save money, to test mental strength. Make sure you are certain of your motivations because they are what will keep you committed. and start doing your own research on the benefits. Follow people on a similar journey who maybe are also sober curious,

who are also just dead sober, who are not kind of participating in the alcohol culture, the same way that you would like to not participate. Surround yourself with people who may be willing to try as well, who are already in the action phase. Keep those incentives and motives front and center at all times. set short-term goals first as well. One of the biggest mistakes people make when they set out to change their lives or at least some component of it is that they go all in all at once.

They adopt an all-or-nothing approach, which researchers, therapists, psychologists, they all say that is one of the easiest ways to ensure that you fail. Because if we only accept perfection and complete adherence to our goals, we are neglected reality, specifically the reality that behavior change is hard because it requires us to revise a lot of what is automatic for us. Instead of going cold turkey, if you can, try not to drink every second day, then try not to drink during the week, then every second week, then challenge yourself to a month. Month-long sobriety challenges like dry July. They're a really good trial in this case where it's only 30 days. It's super doable. You don't have to

give up everything in your life, you have the promise of a finished date. And that can be something that really helps you. Sometimes what we actually see, though, with some of those like 30-day no alcohol challenges is what psychologists call rebound behaviours, where when we are allowed to drink again, we actually end up drinking more. But if we see this as part of a broader long-term shift to drinking less and we keep our motives up, we can normally avoid this. And if completely sobriety is not for you or not medically necessary. Try to keep drinking to just the weekends or big events. Stick to just one or two drinks. It might be less scary if you have a limit. You know, less scary if you're not completely cutting something out of your life, but more so integrating

non-alcoholy versions into how you socialize, integrating sobriety into how you see your life. small change once again better than no change additionally don't forget to reward yourself here you are really challenging yourself with this you should feel proud of your efforts a lot of people in their 20s of all ages are not considering this with each kind of milestone you hit each week that you stay sober each i don't know fortnight that you choose to not drink reward yourself with a little treat with a little Amazon purchase you really want, a little snack from the grocery store to keep up that positive reinforcement.

I think also consistent reward can be helpful in counteracting some of the natural declines we're going to see in the pleasure that we may have been used to getting from alcohol. Instead of getting that dopamine hit and then immediate regret from over-drinking, you can receive that pleasure, that sense of satisfaction, that happiness, from a more positive and meaningful personal reward.

Finally, plan ahead when it comes to big social situations. We all know what it's like to feel FOMO, to feel pressure from those around us, maybe even anxiety because we're doing something a little bit different. And that can really cause us to give up because there is nothing as significant and influential as someone really trying to get you to to have a drink, to have a cocktail with them. So if you have a plan, you bring your own non-alcoholic beverages, you know that you're going to have one drink,

then only have like diet Coke or lemonade from there. You're going to feel more certain. You're going to feel more committed. You're going to feel more strong in the fact that you have made a decision for you and you are willing to see it through. I think beyond that, whether you are ready to quit drinking or just thinking about it, it's so important to think about how our behaviours may have. consequences for our well-being that we haven't been taught to consider, especially in societies

where heavy excessive drinking is so normalized. Your health is the most important thing, period. And so maybe, you know, you might not have a problem at this point. You might never have a problem with alcohol. But it is worth questioning whether your life could be improved without it. It's not always about life just being pretty good. Could it be better? I'm also in this phase of really exploring this as well, you know, I'm still not sure I could ever go sober, and I think that that in itself requires its own unpacking, but I'm glad that I just stopped going along with what I'd begun to feel was normal. I'm glad that I actually, you know, took a step back and was like, is this actually hurting me or benefiting me? Which one of these is stronger here? How come it is so hard for me

to even consider stopping. What does that say about my own mental strength and the power that this substance may have over me? What am I going to see in terms of my health and my well-being if I made this what could be a very small arbitrary decision? And it really hasn't, like, influenced my life as much as I thought it would. I really thought that, like, my social life would, you know, would end. It would cease.

I would never see certain friends again, but it hasn't been like that. And hopefully it's a decision. I continue to make and continue to explore. So I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. I hope that it provided you with just something to think about or some motivation for something that you have been thinking about. As always, if you enjoyed this episode, if you think that there is a friend, family member,

workmate, maybe not workmate, anybody though, who needs to hear this episode, please feel free to share it with them. Hopefully it will help them out as well. And leave a five-star review. If you've got something from this episode, make sure that you're following us to know when new episodes will come out. And if you have an episode suggestion, if maybe you want to follow up,

if you are getting sober this year, if you're trying to drink less, congratulations. I would love to hear from you and maybe other things that you're doing on this kind of like journey, on this path. And congratulations as well. I think I already said that, but that is like amazing. So thank you again for tuning in. And we will be back next week with another episode. Hey, what's good, y'all?

you're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host, Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor? It signals to the world that you not to be played with.

And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Owens, correct? I doctored the test once.

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