The Psychology of your 20s - 159. Embracing the courage to be disliked

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

Many of us find ourselves obsessively focused on the opinions and judgements of others, letting their opinion of us influence our sense of self worth and confidence. However, true power and success comes when we embrace the courage to be disliked and recognise that the negative words of others come from their own insecurity, rather than as a reflection of us. In this episode we break down this concept, alongside the role of reputation, conformity, the chameleon effect and how we can embrace our authentic selves, our TRUEST selves to live in our power. Listen now!  Follow us on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast  Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg  For business enquiries: [e-mail]     See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, listen to learn.

the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice in so much, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian.

Michael Mancini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2%.

That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWA% on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed. I will be his last

target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he does. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we break down the psychology of our 20s. This topic, today's episode and the theories and thoughts we're going to be

discussing. They have been massively inspired by a book I just finished reading that has completely changed my life. It is called The Courage to Be Disliked. This book is, including, credible. I truly recommend it. It basically teaches us what it means to live in total freedom, to become our best selves and actually live according to our wants, our purpose, our vision for life instead of being, I think, held back by the opinions and the expectations and the judgments of others. It made me take a very long, hard look at myself. And part of that was honestly assessing who am I actually living for these days? This philosophy, this idea that we can escape kind of our need to constantly impress others and worry about what they think is one that I believe

a lot of us in our 20s really need to hear. We needed to be reminded of and embrace this deep belief that what others think of us is one of the least important things about who we are. That constant concern for other people manifests in a lot of anxiety for us. anxiety that creates self-judgment, self-sabotage, self-betrayal, and it's those reactions, that anxiety that informs our behavior. It causes us to act in certain ways. We want to conform. We want to be someone we're not. We want to say things that we don't believe. We feel uncomfortable in our skin. And I think this creates a real disconnect that we're seeing more and more between the version of you who is perceived by others and the version of you that is real,

the version of you that you actually like. And I think by having the courage to be disliked, even if it's uncomfortable, we bring those two versions of us back together, the version that other people see and the version of us that is truthful. So today we're going to discuss this. We're going to discuss why having the courage and the power to not be liked by everyone might actually be the secret to greater emotional satisfaction and just a better life. So we're going to break down where our need to be liked comes from, particularly ideas of social approval, why we worry about silly ideas like reputation, what that results in, particularly conformity, alienation, a loss of self.

And I also want to discuss this idea that we have in Australia called Tall Puppie Syndrome, which really explains why society in general feels the need to tear down the brightest and the most authentic individuals in our society. Perhaps as a projection of our own individual and collective insecurities, we see that so many times the people who really choose to be themselves and choose to just do what they would like in life and really, really represent their true desires and just have the courage to do that are often the ones that receive the most criticism. And I want to understand kind of why is that the case. We're also going to

explore some of the consequences of what happens to us when we solely live for others, whether that's our family, our friends, our partners. What happens when we turn away from the pressure to impress other people. When we turn away from the pressure to be someone we're not, I think that that is such an important philosophy that we need to adopt during this decade. If you want to perform at your highest level, if you want to be the happiest version of yourself, often one of the biggest things that is holding us back is the opinions of others. So today, if you're needing a confidence boost, if you've recently been on the receiving end of someone's negative opinions, negative judgments of you, or if you just want to de-center the assumptions and views of others, this episode is for you.

So without further ado, let's jump into how we can embrace and live out our power to be disliked. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong.

Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world, are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO%. On the IHeart Radio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got? to do a little kill. Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast.

I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack all day, but just so you all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line.

We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade. of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Trip Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing.

And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross. Because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth. Are you a good person because you're afraid?

Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Keer Gaines, is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free, Our Heart Radio app.

Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in soons, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case.

I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian, and Michael Marincini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap.

Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So there is this really powerful quote from Marcus Aurelius, this very famous Roman guy, and I think it captures our dislike of being disliked more than anything else I've ever heard. We all love ourselves more than other people, but we care more about their opinion than our own.

It is really interesting that the only person who we truly know is ourselves, the only person we are ever going to have a relationship with our whole lives, is ourselves, and yet we let that relationship, we let the love and forgiveness and kindness that we show ourselves be interrupted by the opinions of others who we may never even understand, who quite honestly, it's not our duty to understand. For some of us, that constant concern with being watched or judged is very clinical and it's very chronic. And we can offer up a few explanations as to why. The first is the most severe. That is a social anxiety, disorder. Social anxiety is more than just being shy. It is a constant state of stress and worry

towards obtaining the approval of others. And often that leads to a lot of fear. It leads to a lot of avoidance where we might be the subject of criticism, where we might disappoint someone, where we might have to face unknowns, meet new people. And that is derived from an even, I think, deeper fear that we cannot control what other people think about us. And what they think of about us at the end of the day really matters. To a certain extent, I think it does. Other people's opinions are important. And a lot of that is very, very evolutionary. We talk about this a lot on the show because I think it's one of the very foundational principles of social connection, but humans have evolved as a community-based species. In the past, that meant we spent a lot of time

in tribes or groups with the same people that we were exposed to on a daily basis. and our attachment to these groups was necessary for our survival. We found safety in numbers. It was easier to find food to build shelter, to kind of increase our life expectancy. That need to be accepted and part of the group due to its kind of survival benefits is deeply imprinted in our DNA. And historically, if one group didn't like us, if we were rejected or outcast, this meant bad to things. It meant bad things for us. And so we've adapted to treat that threat of social rejection as a real danger. And that is why these days we experience that fear around people not liking us,

especially people who have some kind of social status or power or whose opinion means more to the group. We intrinsically don't want to be disliked. It is simple as that. It creates great discomfort and it's bred by social comparison, it makes us really question our own value. And it also comes down to this idea of reputation. Reputation, honestly great Taylor Swift album, but it's also such a strange concept to me because we don't really know where it comes from. You know, who starts someone's reputation? Like, where does reputation emerge? It's like this collective idea that we have about someone that has no discernible origin and yet it holds so much weight and influence, even on a micro-personal scale. Like, when you meet someone new at a party who you've already heard about from a friend,

and that implicitly means that you already have an opinion of them without even developing it from your own personal experiences. Like, you've never met this person, but an idea of this person precedes them. In the modern day, we worry a lot more about reputation than we previously did. and also in very different ways, because we are very aware that we can be judged at any moment through social media. Obviously, reputation has always kind of somewhat mattered, because it's very symbolic of likeability, of what kind of people think about you. And it was that reputation that would influence life outcomes in a previous generation, when reputation was based on things

like, you know, purity, holiness, chastity, if you're a woman, and wealth and power if you were a man. And it really often determined your standing in the broader social hierarchy. But that reputation was also usually contained to your small community. So it mattered in that small group, but if you stepped beyond that group, it wasn't as important. Nowadays, we are facing kind of a new reality, a new existence, where really anyone can have an opinion on anyone else who has a digital footprint. And that makes us a lot more aware and attuned to other people's opinions of us through the fact that we can be not just perceived, but judged by others on a very limited amount of information. We live in that age of a constant digital spotlight where those kind of rudimentary primal fears about the opinions of others and social rejection are expanded and exacerbated. and exacerbated daily.

I think we're also a whole lot more aware in a way of how quickly we can become hated or criticized because of what people choose to say about us online, what people choose to interpret. And that's so unnatural. It's so unnatural to be observed constantly or to feel like you are being observed constantly because there is not a single person in this world who is perfect. There is not a single person who has not made mistakes, but because many of us have grown up online, especially those of us in our 20s,

those past mistakes are out there for everybody to see, for everybody to think about, for everybody to observe. And we have this like real collective, weird obsession with trying to impose perfection on everybody, but also tear people down for just like the smallest things. So this is kind of all very much leading to my main point. My main point being we are overly concerned based on our psychology, based on our culture, based on our context,

with other people's opinions, unnaturally so. We want to stay in line. We want to be agreeable. And it's why so many, for so many of us, the smallest negative opinion can send us spiraling. it can cause us to feel like we could potentially become an outcast. It's really interesting when that person, the person who has this negative opinion, the person we're trying to impress is someone that we actually barely know. I have a story for you about this based on when I was back at university. There was this guy, I'm going to call him Damien, and he was kind of like a friend of a friend. He was actually a close friend's roommate.

I think we talked maybe once or twice, and probably for no longer than five minutes. And yet this guy, for whatever reason, he did not like me. And he made that really clear. And you know what? No matter what anybody else said, no matter how many other people I had in my life who loved me and cared for me and said it didn't matter, I could not stop obsessing over this one person. I could not stop thinking about Damien's opinion. Why is that? Well, I think the best explanation I can offer comes down to perfectionism and how we've been raised.

Particularly if you're a woman, we've been raised to be lackable, to be agreeable, to keep the peace. It also stems from a lot of childhood experiences where you want to be a good person. You want people to validate you. You want people to praise you. You want people to include you. If you've been bullied or left out, those early memories, that sense of being excluded, of having someone hate you or being. cruel to you, they have lifelong impacts that leads to a lot of people-pleasing tendencies because we instinctually do not want to feel that emotional pain of rejection ever again. And so we fawn, we appease, we say yes when we should say no, we let people walk all over us because the thing that matters the most is that they like you, that you make them happy

rather than yourself. And so when someone has a certain opinion or expresses criticism, that makes you feel like in some way you've failed, and it triggers a lot of that historical childhood alarm and fear that once again you are going to be alone or socially rejected. That fear response can come to control us, like I've spoken about, and a secondary consequence for this is that it is increasingly creating a generation of people who are living for others. people like you and I who are living according to what others expect, what other people think is cool, what's trendy, what's acceptable, rather than living according to who they actually want to be.

I want to outline exactly what that means, how it really alters our behaviour and the connection that we have to our true selves. I think the first consequence of this need to live for others is conformity. In psychology, conformity really refers to trying to basically fit in or mirror the attitudes, the beliefs, the behaviours of those around us. It's called like the chameleon tendency where depending on who we are with, we blend into our social surroundings by really looking to others to tell us what's normal. Because if we look like them, we act like them, they have no reason to call us out. Because to do so would mean that they would be expressing dislike for themselves. because that is who we are emulating.

It just really breeds like a thousand clones of the same person. And every day that you wake up and choose to be someone that you think others will accept and like more, you are turning away from your authenticity. You are suppressing your true self. You are unconsciously locking away a part of you that deserves to be seen and deserves to be heard. This is known as self-silencing and that's the need to really suppress our own thoughts. and feelings in order to appease others. This concept was initially only applied to women, but I think it really links to this, it's a lot more universal firstly, and it links to a deeper

idea of self-abandonment. When we self-abandoned or conform in order to be liked, we withhold parts of ourselves in order for others to avoid discomfort with who we are. But in turn, we transfer that discomfort that other people might have with who we are and make ourselves uncomfortable. That is a sad truth. But you know what? When you do that, when you self-abandoned, when you self-silance, you are hurting no one but yourself. Not only can that lead to a deeper sense of very, very real alienation and never really truly knowing who you are. But the longer that we engage in this kind of internal silencing, the harder the habit is to break. It also makes you say things you don't believe, where things you're not comfortable in, make yourself small, and that is a size that you should

never be, not when life is this short. Additionally, if you pretend to kind of be someone else, you are pretending to be someone you're not, and that will only attract people who are attached to a version of you that isn't real. And so the relationships you form from that fake persona, are going to be inherently artificial. I'm going to bring up another experience that I've had because if you cannot tell, I am definitely someone who is very much trying to embrace the courage to be disliked after for a lot of years

having a real deep fear of being disliked. I remember this time in high school where I tried so hard to pretend I was really into like punk music. like screamer. I don't know. I don't know what it's called, but it was like punk. Obviously, you can tell from how I just described it. I really didn't like it. I really had no idea what I was doing. But I wanted to impress certain people by pretending that we shared the same interests when what I think I should have recognized was that I really like Taylor Swift. I liked doing well in school. I liked reading. I liked wearing legwomenes. I was that girl. And if I had embraced that, I would have attracted people who were more like-minded. And maybe that would have meant that I had better friends in high school, more fulfilling relationships than the kind of friendships that I did end up having. I guess the point is, is that when you create a facade, a persona, a fake version of yourself

and you begin to believe it, others around you begin to believe it as well, meaning that you are not ever going to feel at place in the groups where you truly belong. You're just going to be surrounded by people who don't genuinely like you for you. They like a curated fake version of yourself. So when you start embracing the courage to be disliked, that is naturally going to mean that you are going to shed a few relationships. People get very attached to the version of you they expect and the version of you that they have created in their minds. I find that so often the reason that we see friendships fall apart or relationships fail is because people expect you to be one person. They expect you to meet their expectations of what they want from you.

and when you decide to no longer do that to say, no, this is who I am, I've got my own opinions, I don't constantly want to be making you happy, I want to do what makes me happy, these people suddenly realize that like, oh, this person isn't going to put up with this anymore. They don't care about my opinion. It's at that point that you are more clearly able to see

what kind of life you would actually love to live, what the true version of you wants. and also who was just in your life because you fit into some preconceived notion of who they wanted you to be. I think that losing those people, perhaps even being disliked by them or hearing that you've changed,

is a very small price to pay for the true freedom of the self, the true freedom of the actual self. Obviously there are some areas where a perception and an appreciation of other people's opinions is necessary. You don't want to offend others just for the sake of. it or to be cruel or to turn into one of the people who made you initially feel really small.

But it's also about realizing that your social circle not only changes but has layers and levels of closeness. And prioritizing those that are more central by whilst, you know, kind of disregarding those who aren't in those close three circles is really, really, really valuable. So I might explain this a little bit more. I visualize my kind of life and my social life in particular like four circles. Each circle kind of expanding just beyond the last circle, getting larger and larger. You're in the middle. You're the most important circle. Then comes family, close friends, your partner, friends you see every now and again, maybe co-workers, acquaintances, and then finally just like strangers and included in that are people who might not like you. The closest

three circles including you, your family, your loved ones, they are all that matter. The opinions of those people are the only ones that matter because they are mutually supportive because these people love you. They're not trying to tear you down. So when we think about, you know, once again, the courage to be disliked. If the person whose opinion you are worried about sits beyond those three circles, there is no point listening to them. Because if you were to become really ill tomorrow, if something terrible was to happen, they would not be the one sitting there by your side supporting you. So in your good times, you don't deserve to listen to them either. I know that cutting those people out, disregarding their opinion, ignoring them in some ways, is easier said than

done because often, as we've described, the opinions of others have this very subtle way of influencing our behaviours on a very unconscious level. So how do we escape that pressure? You know, obviously this is very bio, like very evolutionary, very primal to care about what other people think. So what do we need to tell ourselves? What do we need to do when that self-consciousness kind of sneaks in and threatens to keep us at the behest of the opinions of others who, A, don't care about you, and B, don't matter. Well, we are going to discuss the four ways that you can embrace the courage to be disliked after this short break. 2%.

That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress.

Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier, person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick you here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill,

waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 was big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack all day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack, so I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now, so. Then you're finishing that sentence. Yes.

I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah, for me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so right.

wrapped up in the chase, that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth. Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro.

Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Keer Gaines, is we have real conversations. about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal.

The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Sond's, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern.

Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Lepin and Michael Maranini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Ameriopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges.

This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There are four things that I want you to remember when it comes to being disliked. Number one, not everyone is going to like you, and that is something that you can't change. But number two, you are. are never going to be criticized by someone who is doing better than you. Thirdly, often someone else's dislike or negative judgments are really a projection of their own insecurities. And finally, we can use their criticism, their dislike, as fuel for our advantage, as motivation. There is quite literally

nothing more inspiring and motivating than someone telling you that you can't do something, or someone trying to bring you down or who is not comfortable with your success, who feels the need to criticize you. Because implicitly, when that happens, we now feel like we have something to prove. And that is like actually such a motivating force. It's also that in that moment, we become a lot better with embracing the courage to be disliked because we realize that other people's opinions or appraisals of you, as I've said before, have a lot more to do with them than us. You can read any comment section on YouTube or TikTok or Instagram and you will see hundreds of people ready to say anything that's going to bring someone down, especially people who are doing

their own shit, who are in their own lane, who are confident, who know what their life is about. and you know what the common denominator is in those situations? It's not the person on the receiving end. It's not the content that they make. It is these people, this group of people, who are unhappy with themselves and who feel the need to pull others down because it gives them a mental and emotional boost.

So it's really interesting because they've started doing studies on this, particularly around trolling and kind of cyberbullying. And this recent study that was published in the cybercyclical Journal, it found that people with lower self-esteem are more likely to engage in activities like internet trolling than anybody else. And the people who do that, those traits are also more associated with psychopathy and with receiving pleasure from the distress and take down of others. And that is such a them problem. That has nothing to do with you. The same goes for real-life interactions. Obviously, we're talking about like a social media space here. But let's think

about my old friend Damien, my old university friend Damien. There is something deeper in that person's psychology that leads them to these kind of pathological chronic takedowns. And the worst thing we can do is actually believe that the opinions of these people matter. When I think about him, I'm like, he had only really met me twice. What was it about them that gave them such kind of a sick obsession fascination with making me feel bad about myself. Because I'm pretty sure that as soon as I moved on, he found someone else to project that hate to. I know it's a classic quote, but like Michelle Obama, boss lady, she always says it. When they go low, we go high.

So not only does that give you a much needed self-esteem boost to look at that situation and go, okay, the reason this person has this opinion probably has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that they are not happy with themselves. But these individuals have much bigger problems than their opinion about you. And if they have something to say, that probably means you're doing something right. This is where I really want to introduce this concept called Tall Poppy Syndrome that is really common in Australia. So in Australia, Tall Poppy Syndrome is this idea that the best flowers, the tallest flowers, the ones that bloom the first, are also the first to be cut down. And that analogy applies to our lives. The people who shine the brightest, the people who are least

afraid to be themselves, who shoot up, who are successful, who are confident, they are always going to be the first ones who are targeted with takedowns. And it's so frustrating. But what we realize is that in those moments, you are the tallest flower in the field. You are the tall poppy. That is why you are receiving their resentment from others. Once again, you are never going to be judged by someone who is doing better than you because they are probably already secure in themselves. They know what it's like to be in your position. They want you to succeed. And they know their worth without needing to compare or tear you down. And those are the people that you should surround yourself with when you are embracing that courage to be disliked. The difference these people make in your life is incredible. I've seen it myself.

I've really been on this journey of kind of realizing that if I want to grow further, if I want to be a better version of myself, I have to be pickier about the people I choose to spend my time around. And that doesn't necessarily mean meeting people and being like, no, you can't be my friend. But more so being like, okay, if I want this inner circle, I want to make sure these people are making me feel good about myself. And so I've really been surrounding myself with women who want nothing but success for those around them, who collaborate, who lift each other up. And it's something I'm so grateful for for so long, I really prioritized hanging out, socializing, interacting with people who didn't like me because I had this compulsion to make them like me. That was like the biggest prize. But now I've

started really protecting the relationships that bring me joy and the relationships with people who, not that they won't criticize me, not that they won't call me out, but who are willing to just be in my corner. Alongside that, I think it's also important to be okay with the fact that you're not going to be everybody's cup of tea and not being everybody's cup of tea also involves gradually removing and reducing our emotional reliance on the validation of others. So psychologists generally identify two sources of validation, external validation, which comes from the acknowledgement of others, and internal validation, which comes from our own positive attributes, positive self-beliefs, strengths, and achievements. When we rely on external validation, often this has come from

us being gradually trained to do that, especially in the kind of educational environment. that we have been raised in, where we want the praise, we want the approval of other people. We seek the admiration of those we see as better than us. However, if you constantly look to external approval for your self-worth, your self-worth is never going to be stable because the opinions of others are not consistent or reliable. They are fickle because humans are fickle. and it's only going to take one small comment, one small feeling of rejection, one small moment to completely destroy your self-worth because it is bound up in the actions of people and the thoughts of people who you cannot control, who you have no say in.

So I want you to ask yourself, what is it that you like about yourself that has absolutely no attachment to others? What do you like about yourself that people would maybe be surprised to know? like it's a little private secret source of self-love. It could be that you feel really intense joy towards like the smallest things, that you like people watching or that you're creative. It might be that your dreams are really interesting, that you love very deeply, that you are dedicated to your goals,

that you are spiritual, that you have a great music taste, that you have some secret special talent, private things about yourself that you love. And reinforce those things above, all else, remind yourself of them as much as you can, and go on to cultivate them even more. When you are so focused on what you bring to the world, how amazing you are, you become this impenetrable force of self-love. I also like to imagine when I really feel the need to please certain people or to make them like me, I imagine this big golden bubble, experience.

banding out from my heart that surrounds me, that protects me, that makes me magnetic. And it kind of goes on to engulf everybody else and make them feel like they can also be authentic and true in my presence. It's like these visualization exercises, this golden bubble, allows me to escape my anxiety by really focusing on a comforting, you know, comforting mental imagery. This tool has been so powerful for me. It makes me so confident. Like, it's like a protective shield against other people's judgments where I can acknowledge that maybe someone's looking at my outfit and going like, oh, I don't like that, or someone I've met once has a bad impression of me or anything. But that doesn't matter. It just bounces off me. I'm in my golden

bubble. I also want to say one final reminder. Each day, each moment, you are presented with the opportunity to be your best self. And you can either choose to live authentically, and passionately and in your own power, or you can choose to mask that version of you. You can choose to minimize your goals, your values, your passion, your identity, because you're scared of what other people think. It is your responsibility to choose which version you want to be.

Not anybody else's, not your family, not your friends, only you. So visualize that version of you, that version of you that doesn't care what people think, that doesn't care of people don't agree with what they're doing because they believe in it, who doesn't care if people like what they wear, doesn't care if people think they look trendy, doesn't care if people have some weird negative opinion of them,

because they love themselves. And watch yourself become that version. Imagine speaking to that version. Act from a place of that version of yourself. Ask yourself, in moments where you are trying to be more like, or trying to make other people like you more, what would that version of you do? What would that authentic version of you say?

How would they act in this situation? I was saying this to a friend the other day, but it's also really impossible to criticize or have anything negative to say about someone who is just so clearly knows who the fuck they are, who is just so clearly embodying their authentic self. We all know those people, we see those people, so you should become that person.

by embracing the fact that not everybody is going to like you, and that is totally okay. In fact, it's probably a good sign. It's probably beneficial. Because like we said before, it means you're doing something right. It means they've never seen anybody like you before. It means that you are so comfortable in your own power that this person's opinion cannot harm you. The world is so small, life is so short. You are just kind of a grain of sand in the universe, and you're living amongst a million billion, billion other grains of sand. So it doesn't need to be that meaningful. Someone else's

opinion doesn't need to ruin your day. Doesn't need to ruin your life. Because when you hold onto something that has slipped out of someone's mouth, something that someone has said behind your back, something that has come through the grapevine, that's not ruining their day. Thinking about it more isn't hurting them. It's hurting you. And so you have to make a choice of like, am I going to continue you're thinking about this or am I going to realize that the only people's opinions that matter to me are my own and the people who I love. I think that's a really beautiful place to end it. And I want to thank you so much for listening to today's episode. I know it was quite rambly. I know it was quite philosophical, maybe less psychological. But I really cannot state it enough.

That book was amazing. It's really changed my mind on so many things and really opened my eyes to the fact that I think I've spent a lot of my life caring about what other people think and I don't want to care about it anymore. And I think that when I've started to adopt that philosophy, it's made me a much better person, a much more powerful person, a much happier person to just be more secure in who I am. So I hope that, I really, yeah, I hope that's something that you can find as well for every single one of you listening. If you enjoyed this episode, as always, please feel free to share it with someone who you think might enjoy it as well or leave a five-star review. It really helps the show to grow and reach new people.

If you don't already, you can follow us on Instagram at That Psychology Podcast. We are currently taking episode suggestions for 2024. So if there's something going on in your life, going on in your 20s, and you want to understand it more, you want to know what's going on, please feel free to send it to me over there. And we will be back next week with another episode. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games.

This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor? It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Owens, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing.

Greg, a lesbian. Michael Mancini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is love trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships. And you will come up. on the other side, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO percent on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands.

I vowed. I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast.

Guaranteed human.