The Psychology of your 20s - 160. Are you ready to date again ft. The Real Talk Therapist

Episode Date: January 12, 2024

Getting into a new relationship can bring up a lot of past trauma from previous relationships, and cause a lot of self sabotage or anxiety, resulting in behaviours such as:  Emotional unavailability Knit picking behaviour  Starting unnecessary fights  Stone walling  Pushing people away  Ignoring red flags  In this episode we answer the question "do you need to completely heal before entering into a new relationship?". We are joined by the incredible, Tasha Bailey, otherwise known as the Real Talk Therapist as we break down the way past relationship trauma can show up in our new relationships and how to heal whilst still accepting the love you deserve.  Follow Tasha here: @realtalk.therapist  Buy Tasha's book here: https://www.amazon.com/Real-Talk-Lessons-Therapy-Self-Love-ebook/dp/B0BGXKR5T2  Follow the podcast here: @thatpsychologypodcast  Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg  For business enquiries: [e-mail]     See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice in so much, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Gillespie and Michael Mancini.

My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available.

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that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s, and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners,

wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we uncover the psychology of our 20s. Today, we're going to talk about healing, past trauma, in a new relationship. Romantic relationships in our 20s are so difficult because there is no guidebook to have, how we should be going about it.

There are so many questions that go along with that, like, should I delete the dating apps and try and meet someone organically? How long does it take to get over someone? When do I know it's time to break up with my significant other? But one of the biggest questions or conundrums I get all the time, which I will admit I've personally faced is, do you have to be healed before entering into a new relationship? That is a massive question.

We undoubtedly carry baggage, trauma, memories, past experiences from the people we have dated and loved and been connected to. And some of that baggage is not great, is not pleasant. And it's perhaps something that we're not ready to unpack yet. But does that mean that if you have not done all the necessary healing, you should hold off on love? Or can you equally heal whilst being with someone new, someone who treats you well and helps you into that kind of self-acceptance,

self-love journey? Today we are joined by a brilliant guest who is going to talk us through a little bit about this very idea about healing past trauma in a new relationship. Welcome, Tasha, otherwise known as Real Talk Therapist. Thanks for joining us. Oh, thank you for having me. So if people are not familiar with your work, you are incredible. You post this just amazing content that is like factual, reasonable. You have, obviously you have a therapy. you are a therapist in your real life, in your life.

Can you like briefly introduce yourself and tell us about your work? Yeah. So I am a author, psychotherapist and content creator. So I kind of the very all style is I became a child and adolescent psychotherapist because I really want to work with children and trauma. And then I did my training and I realized that. actually loads of adults have this little child in them that has a story to tell. And so I found myself working with adults and their past traumas.

And actually particularly like on the topic, like you said, like a lot of people will find me when they're in a safe relationship and suddenly all their triggers are being pushed. And then we'll start to kind of work together to understand what that is and where that's coming from. And then I also have a social media platform where I share free content because obviously not everybody can access therapy, but everybody can access Instagram or TikTok.

So I do my best to share healing prompts, tips, and encouragement to anybody that needs it. And then obviously through my book as well. For those of you who do not or have not read this book, it is amazing. It's called Real Talk. So like you'll be able to find it. And it's kind of like one of those books.

We were talking about this before, that everyone, I think, needs no matter how much therapy you have done, because it will introduce you to just so many concepts around healing, around living your best life that we often don't think about. So I would very much recommend going out and grabbing that. And I just want to say thank you for coming on once again. Obviously, we're talking about healing whilst in a new relationship. I think it is so interesting what you said about how a lot of you. How a lot of people come to you and find you when they finally are in this like safe relationship. They're experiencing safe, healthy love for the first time. And that is scary to them.

I feel like that's because a lot of past relationships and experiences can sometimes cause us harm. Like love is one of the most vulnerable things, one of the most vulnerable emotions that we can have. And so there is going to be trauma that comes along with that. I feel like anything that is beautiful, always carries the underside of darkness or a way that it can be manipulated. What are some of the examples or maybe like instances of past trauma that you have come across that we tend to carry into new relationships? Yeah, I think a lot of the time when people think about trauma, they think of the really big things, which obviously absolutely are valid types of trauma, but it's not only those things that can be trauma that we carry. So yes,

there could be things like abuse or neglect that we're. had from childhood or even in relationships that we had in adulthood. But there could also be really small traumas. They call them little T's, I think they call them, I've forgotten now small teas, little T's. It could be as small as being a baby and having a parent who never picked you up when you were crying. And that might sound like a small thing at first, but actually it opens time and time again. you learn as a baby that nobody's there for me, nobody can attend to my needs, and so I have to, you know, fend for myself. So even those little small things, or even a parent who doesn't

give that much eye contact, or a parent who calls you a cry baby as a child, you know, you internalise all of these experiences and you expect them in your adult relationship, so that's a friendship or in your romantic relationships. And then the other thing is that, you know, when you've had those traumas or those experiences, it kind of shapes your brain in a particular way. And so you, even though those things don't feel comfortable, they feel familiar.

And so you find ways to reenact them. One thing that I find when people are in a safe relationship, their brain starts to panic. Like, wait, he texts me. back? Like when I text, he texts me back. What is going on? Like, what is this about? And we might get the ick or we might, you know, start to think that he's in genuine or the person's in genuine. But it's just the alarm system in our brain is saying, this is very different and I don't know if I trust it yet. Yeah, I can often look like that. That's actually so interesting

because I've had that experience and you were saying, oh, they start like texting me back. They want to see me. And I remember when I like, first started seeing my partner and he was so like adamant that he wanted to make plans. And I was like, is this guy love bombing me? Like, is this guy a psychopath? Like, why does he want to see me so much? Like, what's his problem? But it's so true.

We are so used to what we feel like comfortable and familiar with that we try and recreate that because that is like the only reality that we've ever known. How does like these, because it's not just past relationship patterns, right? Well, I guess it is. It's past relationship patterns, but not just past romance. relationship patterns. It also has to do with the relationship we have with our parents, our family, our caregivers. How does some of this trauma impact our approach to dating or love maybe through self-sabotage, self-abandonment, settling, a fear response like the one you spoke

about? Yeah. We kind of have, when this happens, we kind of have this unfinished business that needs to be, you know, resolved. And usually like our inner child will be the one that carries that unfinished business and tries to make sure that it's, it gets what it needs. But, yeah, often we don't know how to, we know, we know what we want to receive. We know we want to receive love or to iron out our unfinished business, but we don't know how to do that. And then that's where the kind of self-sabotagey or destructive things can happen.

And one thing that I noticed that if we've had kind of a childhood where maybe our parents let us down or our families let us down in whatever way, many people will respond by being really hypervigilant. Not hypervigilant, sorry. Many people will respond by being very hyper independent when it comes to dating. So they'll kind of say, oh, I don't need anybody. Or it's fine, I'm going to like date those of people, but they don't mean anything to me. there's this kind of like almost like I don't actually need that intimate the intimacy that's just so above me and actually that's fair that's fair of getting too close to somebody because they might let you down and they might reject you yeah and and that's one way that it can kind of

look is that we yeah we almost have this exterior that we tell ourselves an exterior narrative that we tell ourselves that actually gets in the way of us actually receiving what we need and what we want. It sounds a lot like emotional unavailability to be. Like the sense of like I've been hurt in the past. We are so hypervigilant towards threats that may hurt us again in the future that we eliminate any possibility for that. Some of those possibilities, some of those opportunities are actually quite positive, would actually be able to rewire our brain, change our mind.

it's really interesting what you talk about in terms of the hyper independence because I think that that is a way past trauma shows up in our relationships that is not often recognized because independence is such a celebrated trait in our society especially in like western societies especially in individualistic societies whereby being able to like provide for yourself be your own emotional security your own sense of comfort make all the money that you need is like super admirable. But I think it overlooks this thing of you do need a community. You do need love and connection to sustain yourself in a way.

So how do you think, you know, if you've recognized that you are hyper-independent, how do you almost stop doing that? Like it's such a deeply ingrained behavior. How do you unlearn those behaviors? I think it's about kind of asking yourself the question of what would it be like to receive something that is soft and warm and light and loving? What would that actually feel like? And what ways am I likely to reject it or stop it or block it?

Just kind of noticing it, I think, is the first thing. And just being aware of what it looks like when you receive those things. Like when a friend gives you a compliment, how do you respond? When a friend says, call me whenever you need anything, and then you suddenly need something and you still don't call, like, what is that about? So I think it's like noticing those things of like how you stop yourself from receiving what you actually do deserve, but you're telling yourself that you don't need it for whatever reason. And then I talk a lot about leaning into the cringe.

Like a lot of people, I think, I believe that the things that we cringe are the things that we actually desperately need, but we're too scared to say. So whether it's cringing at a couple, PDAing and hugging and kissing on the road, maybe that's something that we actually do want to receive. But we're like, ew, that's gross. I'd never want that. Like, maybe you do. Yeah.

Samming that a little bit more. Yeah. So I think like noticing when you have those cringy feelings and maybe questioning, what is the need underneath that that I might be communicating through my cringe. When you said that I was like, wow, that is, I actually think that is so accurate. it because the other example I always think of is like, um, cringing at people who, you know, like, um, kind of like always validate their partner, right? I remember seeing this couple on TikTok a little while ago.

And it like went kind of viral. It was this example of them doing like a love surge. I don't know if you've seen this. Do you know what I'm talking about? No. Okay. So it's, I'll send it to you because it's this really like, lie-hearted video where this couple is like, when one of us feels a lot of love, we get the,

this thing called a love surge and we have to like hug each other and whatnot. And all of these people were like, that is so cringe. Like that is so disgusting. That is like revolting. And I remember watching that feeling that way and then obviously met my partner and was like, I get that. I get it. I wanted that. I wanted to be that loved that someone was willing to like put that online for me.

So it is like a very interesting thing how our brain tries to like trick us out of recognizing our needs as like a protective mechanism. in some ways. Do you think there are other like defense mechanisms as well that we kind of put up other than cringe is a big one I think. Are there any others that like we might not be able to recognize? Yeah. I think like there's obviously we can obviously like deny what we need or um but I think also like the role that we play with that person like if we're dating someone.

Um, some of us will if we have childhood wounds or relationship wounds, we might find ourselves wanting to be rescued by our new partner or for them to suddenly fulfill all of our needs. Every single need we've ever had in our lifetime. We want this partner to have to fulfill for us, which is impossible and, you know, poor person, so have to have such a huge responsibility. But yeah, it can feel like, oh, suddenly there's someone, a hero here who can fulfill everything that I need. And that means that we put them on a pedestal. and we expect them to be really perfect. And when they make a mistake, it's absolutely devastating to us.

I think, and this is different to like non-negotiable mistakes. Like if it was something huge, like they were unfaithful, that's different. But if it's like a mistake like they didn't respond to your emotions the way that you wanted them to, but you hadn't told them how you want them to respond to your emotions, things like that. It's like we do need those mistakes to happen because we then can grow the relationship. and they can learn about you, you can learn about them. But for some people, it's like, no, I'm done.

I'm out. So, yeah, I think it's that how we deal with mistakes our partner makes and how we put them on a pedestal is also a big one as well. I can once again agree with that. Something that's really interesting about that is like the nitpicking and the sense of like if this love isn't perfect, I don't want it. and constantly looking for problems that actually are not problems, they're just an excuse for us to leave because we're feeling vulnerable.

When you talked about that of like, oh, my partner hasn't responded to my emotional needs, but I've never told them why, or small things like, oh, they didn't text me back within like two hours, they must hate me, the relationship is over. And you could sometimes tell yourself, like, well, that's a non-negotiable for me, when actually it's just you feeling quite triggered by their response. and it's really more symbolic of something deeper.

Like you are actually not ready for this. You're not prepared to be vulnerable with them. So I think it's actually really interesting because this really leads into my next question, the sense of like a healthy relationship will challenge you. It will cause you to question how you perhaps approached love in the past. Do you think that there is a necessary level of healing we need to do before getting into a new relationship?

or is it like we can, is it that so that we can just heal in another relationship straight off the bat? Oh, I think a bit of both. I'll do a little bit of sharing here. So I actually got married this year, like she. Congratulations. Oh my God, that's so exciting. Thank you.

Wow, so fun. And I actually met my husband when we were 18, but it didn't work out. And then we reconnected with we were 28. That is a love story. And yeah. And for it. actually when we reconnected, everything just made so much sense.

But by that time, I had had five years of therapy. He had not had therapy before, but he had gone for a really big life-changing thing that had happened for him. And so we had both changed in a way. We were still the same people, but we had a new emotional maturity.

Whereas when we were 18, who was so emotionally immature? There was like nothing could have, Nothing could have seriously happened at that time. But I think there is something of like some healing does have to take place, some kind of self-awareness has to take place for you to be, or to even just start that self-awareness journey is a great bonus. Like to then be able to go into a relationship with somebody else

is also going to have all their own stuff, all their own histories, all their own baggage. and almost when you're in a relationship, it's almost like there's all this junk on the floor and you've got to work out together, okay, that one is mine, I'll take this, this bet is yours, that's mine, that's mine. And you're almost like looking at the mess in between you and working out, divvying up, okay,

what is the stuff that I'm taking accountability for and what stuff are you taking accountability for? But if we don't have that self-awareness, we can't do that. We'll be like, oh, that stuff is all yours. that's like none of that's mine i've got nothing to do with all that stuff oh my god that's so true also that is such a beautiful story that you met at 18 and it shows that like people can change but they can change in parallel

or like change in a way that looks different from the outside but it makes them more compatible i think it's a really that's a really beautiful story in terms of also like how people can change in a relationship alongside each other even if it looks different so congratulations on getting married. That's so amazing. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical

and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look

Back at It podcast. I'm Sam Jett. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me. just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now.

Thank you finishing that sentence. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Keer Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade

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as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast. Learn the hard way. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the hard way and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal.

The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in someone, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfectant. They would uncover a disturbing pattern.

Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Gregalespian and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted

on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped Podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I think we're going to track back now because like we're talking about marriage. We're going to talk about the opposite. I think sometimes people jump from one relationship to another very quickly to avoid healing. Is that something that you've seen? Why do you, why do you think that is? Yeah, I'm actually currently reading a book. It's called Really Good Actually. It's literally called Really Good Actually. Really good actually.

And it's about a woman who is in a relationship from age like 18 and they get married at 28 and then they get divorced two years later. So it's like a huge, it's a huge trauma. But she goes for a phase of just dating constantly, constantly dating. And I think it's that thing of like emotionally availability to ourselves. It is, when we end a relationship or leave a relationship, we actually do have to be in a space of aloneness that a lot of us are terrified of. We're taught that aloneness is, you know,

the worst thing anyone could experience and that we should avoid being alone at all the time. There's a whole air about being alone. And I think even like a lot of single people that I know and friends that I know often feel quite judged for me. single at a particular age because of this kind of judgment. And so I think when we are finally alone, first we have to sit with that, oh, I'm alone, what does that mean?

But also we have to sit with all the grief of grieving that relationship. And when we are grieving in a relationship, it often brings up other experiences of grief that we've had in our lives. So if we've lost a parent or a friend or if we're also grieving the part of ourselves that was in that relationship or the life stages that we've done. We went through in that relationship. We're grieving a lot, basically. And nobody wants to sit in their grief.

Like, it's not the most fun thing to do. And also we're in a culture, which is, you know, grief avoidant. We don't like to talk about death or losses or endings. We just move on to the next thing. And I think that's where then there's this idea of like, okay, there's a song, isn't there? And they're like a, I can't remember her name now.

But there's a song that's like, move on to the next one or something. There's like, yeah, there's like so many phrases of like, if one thing that works out, move on to the next thing. Oh, it's like, thank you next by Ariana Grande. Yeah, yeah. Is it that? Okay.

Yeah, yeah. I was like, wrapping my brain. So it's like, yeah, it's our way of coping, but it's obviously not great for us in the long run. It's just a temporary, a temporary distraction. And avoidance as well. when you said it sometimes we're so afraid of being alone and we're afraid of our solitude. If you have been in a relationship for a while or if you've been in an unhealthy relationship

where there has been so much intensity, you're almost like addicted to this other person. You're addicted to the excitement, the feeling, the passion, whatever you want to call it. And when that ends, there is a huge hole left behind. A huge, you almost are like in the state of it. of like withdrawal or detox where you are craving like the kind of connection that you previously had you're craving that love and so the first person that walks along you're like you you will do just fine like you are like who needs therapy when I can someone else can like be a distraction for me so I think that's like something that I see quite a lot especially in our

20s when it is so easy to find people who want to casually date you like who aren't looking for commitment, who are just down for a fun time. You can go on a dating app, and especially if you're a woman, like, you can find someone pretty quickly who will at least, like, want to get a drink. So it's easy, and that's such a distraction, it's such like a mask, a facade that we put up where it's like, if I don't have to see my trauma, I don't have to deal with it. Yeah. And I think particularly for women or non-binary people, like that can be super liberating because, you know, we live in such a patriarchal misogynist world,

but suddenly you can go into an app where you have access to so many potential suitors and you decide who you get to see when you see them, how often you see them? It can feel when you've just gone through a breakup where you feel actually quite helpless or with your feelings, like I'm having to hold all these annoying, frustrating, sad feelings,

what do I do with them? I feel helpless. I know I can feel more liberated and more, um, productive by dating lots of people. It's almost like, you know, yeah, shifting the energy. That is so true and so fascinating. I think you point out something really interesting

where it's like you don't feel in control over the last relationship. So you want to feel more in control. You want to feel more in control. These apps, this like dating system allows you to feel that way. Even if it is just like temporary, even if it is a little bit of delusion. So say you are someone who, who has you broken up with your partner,

there has been things in that past relationship that maybe you haven't healed from, maybe they cheated on you, maybe they were not particularly kind to you, maybe it was like a situation ship and someone who's just treated you poorly has made you feel like you never really deserved anything more. And you find someone amazing.

What are some of the things to look out for in a new relationship that indicate that you have some work to do, that maybe I'm going to use the analogy you gave before, there is some junk on the floor that you need to pick up. I think, I guess one thing is noticing, you kind of named it earlier, like if you're picking at things, if you're picking at,

this is a hard one because obviously we talk about red flags and we talk about, you know, obviously being quite hypervigident to if the person you're dating is right for you. But picking at things is almost, like, it's almost like, so my supervisor calls it a now story. So it's almost like you're seeing something in a now, but actually it has nothing to do what's happening in now. It's everything to do what's happening in your past.

So maybe you're with someone and they looked at someone passing by, but for you, it triggered you to think about the time when your ex was looking at other people or dating other people behind your, You know, there's this thing of like you start to merge the two realities together. So I think just noticing when you are picking at things, really ask yourself first, where is that coming from? Is it really, you know, from the now, or is it potentially from the past, or is it both? I think the other thing is to notice when you feel safe and when you don't feel safe.

So some people, they find that they feel absolutely safe with their new person, but it's when they're apart that they don't feel safe and they start to question things and that might be your kind of history of, you know, absence. If you've had parents that are quite absent or if you had a partner that's quite absent, it's going to give you lots of kind of feelings of anxiety when you're away from your new boo, basically.

So just kind of when that happens, use it as a time to journal and think about where is that coming from and where else have you experienced that in your life as well. That is incredibly relevant to me when I was like, I'm just sharing so much, Tasha, I'm just using you for free therapy. That's obviously what that's what this sounds like at the point. But I remember when I would be like totally fine when we were around each other. And then as soon as they left, I'd be like, oh, so they hate me. Oh, so this is over.

Or like, what if this relationship isn't right for me? And I realized that it was because it's so easy to feel safe when there's someone there who's going to constantly validate. you, but you have to be able to validate yourself and able to validate what you know about the relationship, what you know about the other person. Adding to that list of kind of signs that indicate unheeled trauma, picking fights or starting fights on things that are super arbitrary. Obviously, you should feel free to express anger, rage, whatever feeling. But there are sometimes things where you're like, I'm going to start this fight because I want to remember. emotionally almost bait this person and see if they're going to leave.

I'm going to bring up something that really doesn't matter. I'm actually not bothered by it. But I want to see how far I can push this person. Because you're kind of seeking the sense of like, people have left me in the past, people have abandoned me. I want to know now whether this person is going to be one of those people. So let's put them through a little bit of a test here. I think that is a huge, huge one that we see.

And that's something that you actually need. need to, you need to be really honest about that with yourself because it can become really problematic. Or worse comes to worse, you actually end up losing them and you, and, and you didn't need to. Like, you didn't, this person would have been amazing, but they, but they would like, I don't, I don't feel like this is fair. I don't feel like this is justified. They actually have done the healing themselves to know that they deserve maybe something different. So part of that is like communication and being like, hey, actually I'm not mad about that. I really just wanted to start a fight. Let's unpack that. How do you communicate with your new

partner when you are reacting that way or kind of what you need, whether in those moments where you're trying to nitpick them, trying to push them away, what you actually need then? Yeah. So I really relate to this one because it was me in my 20s. And I remember being in a previous relationship where whenever we went on holiday, the third day would always be an argument, always be an argument, and it will always come from me. And again, it's a thing of like, this is a third day with somebody. How do I know if they still want to spend time with me? So let me just like pick at something to see, you know, unconsciously, not kind of specifically, but like, unconsciously it was like, oh, it's like, it's been so intimate. Let me, it's almost, does it feel

safe? So let me pick at something. One thing that helped with my relationship now. So we had the most arguments of our entire relationship in the first year. We actually don't really argue that much. We do challenge each other, but we're not very argumentative couple. But in the first year, loads. And one thing that we did was we had on our phone, because we both relate to conflict in very different ways,

we had on our phone just a note which said kind of what do I need when there's conflict and what does he need when there's conflict so he needs five minutes, ten minutes to like go reflect think about things whereas I'm someone I want to be like I want answers now so then we came across we have had an agreement of what we would do let's have 10 15 minutes I write down what I need to write down and then I talk to you about it and then you go away and you respond to it. And another thing that I also tell to clients

when they feel triggered in a new relationship is to write down what your triggers are and to share that with your partner. And obviously that list might grow, that's fine. But to share that with your new partner and also tell them, you know, share on the list what you might need when you are triggered. So do you need them to leave you alone?

Do you need them to give you a hug? Do you need them to say, let's go for a walk? or let me just you stay in the living room where I'll go and make you something to eat or order us something to eat. Whatever it is, you're communicating to them almost like a first aid kit of what to do when you're triggered

because they're going to be like, oh my gosh, they're triggered, they're angry at me or they're this or this, what the hell do I do in this situation? So you're at least giving them a toolbox that they can make use of and then you're also getting what you need at the same time. That is such a good suggestion, like such a good skill because I'm the same.

I'm like, I need you to validate. I need you to tell me it's all okay right now, otherwise I'm going to lose my fucking shit. Like I'm going to panic. I'm going to throw up, like not throw up. But I'm just going to feel really upset. I'm going to feel really anxious. I love the idea of that.

I also think I'm going to add to this. Just if you really struggle with being honest with someone around what's happened in the past, around what you need. Me and my partner do this thing called vulnerable chats where we'll be like, hey, I want to have vulnerable chats tonight. Like tonight is the night that we're going to have vulnerable chats. And so we both kind of get into a headspace of like, okay, like, let's be a little bit nicer to each other.

Not that we ever mean, but like let's be particularly gentle. Let's like make this a gentle environment and set ourselves up for success here so that neither person feels, you know, not threatened. but like, yeah, threatened by the other person, not because the other person is trying to be threatening, but just because they're not prepared for what's happening. Like they're not prepared for a big reveal or like a big truth session. So I think that that is, but I'm going to use your skill.

I'm going to use your little tip as well. I think that's amazing. So I have one final question for you. What do you think is your perspective here? Do you need to be fully healed before you enter into a new relationship? or can you allow love to heal you or can you heal whilst you're in a new relationship? So I don't believe in the idea of anyone being fully healed. Yeah, like you read the book like the first page.

Yeah. My therapist being like, that's why I asked you that question. Yeah, that's not real. I'm setting you up for a particular answer. So the first page in my book is it's me in therapy and saying, oh my god i can't wait to be this amazingly fully healed person it's going to be amazing i can just like live the rest of my life and then my therapist is like yeah tasha that's not real there's no such thing and like my jaw dropping and feeling like my parent just told me that

santa claus does exist um yeah it's like you know there is no idea of this fully healed person we are going to be healing and evolving for the rest of our lives right until the very end of our lives. And I think that's the most beautiful thing about being human is that we are going to be always changing and knowing about ourselves more and more each day. I think it does help to have, it definitely helps to have had some healing work before you go into a relationship. I would say it's absolutely vital, but it will add some ease into having, you know, self-awareness of, you know, we are part in the relationship. If you haven't experienced any healing before a relationship, then, you know, it is going to be tough.

I'm not going to lie. It will be very triggered at times. But it also depends on the person that you're with. And maybe they've done some healing work, or maybe they have some self-awareness. And being in their presence might teach you about your own self-awareness and healing as well. But there are so many, you know, great resources like this podcast

and great books. And, you know, there's so many things that you can access now that even if you are in a relationship and you're like, oh crap, I haven't done years of therapy yet. That's fine, you know, it's never too late. Just it's about giving yourself grace and space. Yeah. Grace, I love the idea of grace.

It's like self-forgiveness. Like, you're never going to be the best, the best partner. Like, you're never going to be a fully perfect partner, parent, friend, colleague, anything. Like, it's always going to be a bit of a work in progress. And I love what you're. said about, I don't think you can ever be fully healed. And you can, you can approach that and be like, that is terrifying. I'm going to hold back from love because I, I remember when I was like dating again after my last relationship, which was terrible, I was like, I don't want to meet the love of my life

as the version of myself I am right now. I don't think that if I met the love of my life, they would love me because there's so much work to be done. And then the more I kind of went on, I was like, well I don't think that I think that if they wouldn't be able to love me as well if I was perfect like there are things that I would want to share with them that wouldn't would be messy and would be ugly but I would hope

that they would receive that and I would be willing to receive that from them so I think that's a really beautiful place to end it any final thoughts no I guess I was just thinking about what you just said and that was a adding another thing but just another thing that can often sabotage us on a relationship

is when we're trying to be, yeah, perfect or trying to be perfect for our partner but not actually be our authentic selves. So allow your partner to see the mess. They need to, you need to, let your messes exist together so that you can, like, kill through it together as well. And I think that's really important. And that's when the real relationship happens

is when you can both be really real of each other. Yeah, that's when the real relationship. relationship happens absolutely that's like the perfect place to like that is the perfect final message to leave with the listeners um i really hope that you enjoyed this episode i hope you learned something tasha thank you so much for coming on that was such an amazing kind of insight such a great conversation i feel like i learned a lot where can listeners find you because you are one of my favorite creators i love your work i learn from your work and i think that everyone should have a bit more positivity in their feed.

Where can they find you on the internet elsewhere? So you can find me on Instagram and TikTok as real talk. Dot therapist. And I also have a substack. And I also have a book. So yeah, lots of places. Yes, the book is called Real Talk. It will be linked in this episode description.

It's incredible. I really, it is the perfect companion guide if you are, you know, trying to learn more about yourself. Obviously, you can never be fully healed. But trying to just figure out where you sit in the world. and how to be a better version of you and really show up for yourself. So once again, thank you so much. And as always, if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave a five-star review

on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now. Make sure you give us a follow at That Psychology Podcast if you have an episode suggestion or just a question, just a thought, a feeling, whatever it may be. We would love to see you over there. And we will be back next week with another episode. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing.

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