The Psychology of your 20s - 164. Dating and mental health in our 20s

Episode Date: January 26, 2024

Two of the most noteworthy elements of our 20s are dating and our experiences with mental health. They also interact - our mental health will influence how we date, how we deal with rejection, how we meet new people, and subsequently, our dating experiences can have a profound impact on our mental health. In this episode we dissect everything about this interaction and how we can take care of our mental and emotional wellbeing, avoid codependency whilst also finding the love we deserve. We also talk through some advice for people who are dating partners with mental health struggles and how to support them, whilst also not stepping into the role of caregiver or savior. Listen now!    Follow us on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast  Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the podcast. the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to this show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, you know the deal. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our 20s. today we're going to talk about something that I think is on a lot of our radars in some capacity. Two of the biggest and I would say most noteworthy elements of our 20s are dating, figuring out that whole side of things and also our experiences with navigating our mental health. I think that those two things really define this period of life more significantly more profoundly

than anything else. They are at the center of a lot of the most life-changing experiences and moments during this chapter of our lives. I think a lot of the biggest revelations we have about who we are and who we want to become come from these two kind of facets. They come from who we're dating, how we're dating our experiences with love and heartbreak and so many other facets. And then also our experiences with coping and coping with how our mind works.

and the ways that sometimes it betrays us. I think whilst a lot of us are out there looking for love, looking for connection, for inspiration, for long-term companionship, whatever it is that you're kind of searching for in your dating life, this is also the decade of quite a lot of mental struggle. And I don't want to say suffering, because I don't think that's the right word, but healing maybe and also deep emotional work.

I think there's no denying the, evidence, the research that 18 to 9 to like 29 year olds have the largest incidence rate of mental health symptoms, primarily anxiety and depression, than any other age group. We see it over and over again in studies all around the world, young people, 20 something year olds, they're really doing it tough when it comes to their mental health. And whilst that is going on, we are also expected to make that big transition into kind of what an adult should look like. And we're meant to show people that we're growing up, that we're progressing, that they don't need to worry about us. You know, we're hitting the adult milestones. Part of that is dating,

is having a relationship, is meeting people. And what I don't think anybody is talking about is how mental health and dating really interact. That relationship really needs to be explored in both directions because dating is honestly it's such a vulnerable experience it's so intimate you're basically sitting in front of a person and saying please like me for who i am maybe there's a future here please accept me but also you know it's okay if you don't like i don't want to get too close to you like it's it's this whole i think kind of mental maze and our mental health is going to impact how we date how we go about meeting you people how those experiences will affect us.

And dating will also simultaneously impact our mental health, the rejection, the heartbreak, the ups and downs. That really does something to our coping skills, to our mood, our confidence, our overall sense of emotional stability. And I think that's really important to recognize. I also think part of the conversation around dating and mental health has to do with the partners of people with mental health struggles, and what is it that they need to understand

that maybe isn't communicated? You know, the things that people need from a relationship is, you know, it's going to differ. It's going to differ based on things like preferences and attachment styles and past relationships, all of those things, but also based on where we are at mentally. If you are anxious, you might require, you know, more reassurance from your partner.

If you're prone to depressive episodes, you might self-isolate. You might push people away. And it doesn't mean that you don't care about them, that you don't want connection, that you are not deserving of connection. I just think that it is something that is part of kind of like, not to sound cheesy, but our journey.

And it's part of how we find people who accept us for who we truly are. So I want to talk about it today. I want to talk about every side of this connection, how everything interacts in this way. And I think more importantly, how we can have both. how we can date successfully without letting it harm our most precious resource, which is our mental health. How do we put up boundaries? How do we have hard conversations with the people we're seeing around what we need? How do we approach the things that maybe we want to hide from? How do we stop trauma bonding with people or letting people take advantage of us?

How do we kind of cope with dealing with simultaneously the crazy world of dating whilst also taking care of ourselves? and taking care of our mental health. So we're going to talk about all of it, all the research, all the psychology, all the science, and so much more. So let's get into it. I want to start off by talking about how our mental health impacts how we date, how it changes the way that we date, our behavioral patterns, our attitudes towards dating. I think mental health is not a one-size-fits-all kind of concept.

we can't just slap a label on everyone who could possibly have a diagnosis that falls into the DSM and call it mental health. I think different conditions are going to have a different impact when it comes to dating. And the main ones I really want to look at are really depression and anxiety. I think those have the highest prevalence. But there's also a lot to be said about the interactions between like ADHD and BPD and dating. One of the biggest things that underpins all conditions, all mental health, conditions is though, I think, the experience of stigma that really persists to this day,

we know that stigma shows up in the world. And if it shows up in the world, it's going to show up in the people that we will meet. Maybe the people we will date. It will show up in the people we talk to. As unfortunate and sad as that is, and not everyone has the dialogue that perhaps we're having to understand that really it's on a reflection of who someone is. It doesn't say anything about their worth. So I think that's one of the primary things we have to navigate. How do we have those open conversations around mental health with people that we're dating? When do we tell people? Do we tell people? What do we say? How do we respond when someone doesn't have a good response and they let us down when they kind of reveal a part of themselves that like isn't willing to accept this?

Especially if it's someone that you're getting serious with. I want to touch on that just a little bit later on. Firstly, let's kind of break down what it is about conditions that may make dating different for different people who have some kind of experience with mental health. Depression is, I was about to say depression is a good place to start, but, and I know that sounds so terrible, but let's start there. Let's start there. Depression, I think, I know, makes it hard to do anything. It is one of the primary underlying facts about this condition. It makes it hard for you to be excited about anything in life, you know, let alone a random stranger you've met on a dating app, let alone the possibility of having to meet new people and tell them your favorite color and let them get to know you.

I think depression also causes us to self-isolate at times. It means that we have less energy occasionally to put energy into the early stages of dating, into going on dates into putting ourselves out there. It's really hard, I think, and important to acknowledge that it's going to be different if you're someone who has these episodes of just not feeling like the world is a great place. And maybe your response to that is to go silent, is to self-isolate. During those episodes, I do feel like it's, like, everything stops. And that can be hard for the people that we're dating to understand. We might end up accidentally. ghosting someone, maybe icing them out. And sometimes people don't understand that. And that's not

something that we can redeem ourselves from. Or we let go of good connections because we honestly just don't have the mental bandwidth to maintain them. I think also depression has this awful habit of making us feel like we are not good people because we're not showing up in the way that people expect us to. Let me talk about that a little bit more. I think like when we imagine dating, especially in our 20s, it is this like image of like fun and excitement and like ecstasy and like everything is new and amazing. We're having the best experiences and we're meeting people. But sometimes you just don't feel like a fun person. You just don't feel like you have the space to hold those experiences. And that can make us feel like because

we're not having the same experiences that everyone else is, because we are struggling with something deeper, that we are the problem. We turn to a point of a lot of self-shame. And one of the real big kind of negative self-talk points that I see, we tell ourselves, one of the things we often say is, like, I'm lucky that this person even likes me because of what I'm going through. They're going to get bored of me because I'm not as fun, because I have this part of me that maybe is harder to accept. And I think that that makes it really hard to be vulnerable and to put ourselves out there. Because when we are letting someone see us for who we truly are, those dark sides included, sometimes it's hard to believe that someone will love us for that. That's one element of it.

I think one of the elements behind why it's hard to put yourself out there. But another, I think, unintended impact or experience that I think is something that a lot of people who are struggling with mental health have is the need to overshare in order to do. justify our behavior or our experience, almost like we need to warn people of what they can expect. And I think that that can really lead us to maybe being too vulnerable too soon. And I want to clarify what that means, because I'm not saying that if you struggle with depression or anxiety, like that's a secret that you need to keep to yourself. No, I think that you should be really open about it. But I think it's also a natural tendency for us to want to create closeness with

someone and that can cause us to tell them perhaps elements of our experience, elements of our journey that we're revealing too soon and it's causing us to become attached too quickly. Almost because, like I said, we feel like this person needs to be prepared. Like we are this like this thing that like if we don't tell them now, they'll they'll be like surprised. They'll think we tricked them into falling in love. Like it's just, I think, a real negative mental spiral. Like I said, it's not to say that you shouldn't be vulnerable. But I think something that we need to be aware of if you are someone who is dating with mental health is perhaps our tendency to fantasy bond with someone or to become reliant on them once you have overshared or shared this big, honest thing about yourself. You suddenly feel like

they could be your savior, that they could make your mental health better. They can fix you. And I've had that experience and it's not anything to feel any shame around because that's really what we all want, right? Like we want someone to sit across from us for us to tell them and show them who we are and for them to say, I'll take all of it. I'll love you anyway. And we get to that point through sharing and through vulnerability and raw conversation. But I also think that we put love on a pedestal and when everything else in your life might

not be working out when you kind of like got this black cloud over your head. sometimes we expect more from love and from the people who provide it than we should. We think that they're going to be the antidote to everything going on in our mind and we create false expectations. The biggest reason why I'm kind of raising this and why I think it's an important part of the conversation around dating and mental health, it's very easy to get carried away by the idea of someone fixing you and for that to result in you kind of giving up all your other coping skills and giving up the things that actually keep you healthy and then maybe having them

leave, having them walk away and watching your mental health plummet like it never has before. When we become over-reliant on someone, before they prove to us that they are deserving of that trust and of that honesty and of that vulnerability, suddenly we are left without the coping skills that we really need. I think what's worse is when people almost fetishize, your mental health condition or your struggles. Like the fact that you are quote unquote like tortured. I see that word all the time and like books where a character has past trauma or has a mental health condition.

Like they're suddenly this like poetic thing when in fact they're not like a piece of art. They're not like your manic pixie dream girl. They're just a person. They're just a person. This is part of their story. And I think when we romanticize or let people romanticize or let people romanticize. romanticize our experiences, they begin to see us as that, rather than as someone who is so much more than perhaps a label that has been put on us. One, like, example of this that I'm really

specifically thinking about is the, like, attracting people who have a savior complex. So in psychology, the savior complex refers to a person, an individual, that has a strong tendency to seek out others who need help and who are looking for a savior. They're looking for someone to assist them, maybe because they are in a bad place. It doesn't make that person a bad person. It's not always malicious, but sometimes people date other people for self-serving reasons because it makes them feel good to be the helper, to be this great person. And when we examine that deeper, these people really benefit from you needing them. They have an ulterior motive to keep you stuck in a dark place. And it's not always conscious, but if your relationship has been founded on,

firstly, that like intense bonding over experiences, but then also your, you know, that this, you needing this person, it's very hard to learn other ways to cope and to manage because it means that you might need them less. And they might therefore need you less as well because you no longer fit this like image of this like interesting tortured individual. It's why I think sometimes we see a lot of codependency in relationships between people who are struggling and people who are not. It's important to remember that although it's a hard truth, no one else is responsible for your mental health. That is all up to you, sadly, and it's very hard. But also, you are not your mental health condition.

You're more than that. You deserve someone who loves you, mental health and all not in spite of. of it. Definitely not. But also it doesn't need to be glamorized. There is a lot that we can romanticise in our lives. But I don't think that poor mental health is one of them. And we certainly don't want someone else to be doing it for us. So I think that is something to be aware of, not just for people with depression, but all conditions, how mental health can cause us to attach very quickly to people, to become reliant on them, to see them as a savior, to see love as something that will fix our problems. That also applies to conditions like anxiety as well, which is probably a great

segue into talking about it. Anxiety, I think, is more than just being stressed or worried from time to time. It can bring a constant sense of doom, of irritability, of restlessness, and so many are hypervigilance, the whole list. And I think the most common types of anxiety that we really see our generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, panic disorder. Let's focus on social anxiety just for a second here. I think the relationship and why social anxiety might make it harder today is maybe obvious, but still worth examining. Obviously, it brings a certain shyness and introversion because what you're anxious about is not general things, is not the future, although that might still be something you think about. It's how other people perceive you.

It's how other people, the acknowledgement, that other people have an opinion of you, that you might not be able to control and that their opinion matters. And that kind of acknowledgement, that experience can cause us to be quite closed off to the possibility of dating and meeting you people. And it might feel like whilst everyone else is having these experiences, you're kind of held back because you, that's not that you can't do it, but it's just harder for you to put yourself in those novel situations with people that you don't know. I hear a lot of people be like, oh, just go on dates, you know, just put yourself out there,

not realizing how much more complicated and difficult that is when your brain is going a million miles an hour every waking moment. And you have this like intense perception of everything that could go wrong. You feel that people's opinions more deeply. You're more hypervigilant to perceive social threats. And I think one of the foundational parts of dating that that doesn't quite mesh well with is that part of dating is you want people to like you. But often we become too focused on that, such that we can't enjoy the moment, we can't enjoy the process. We think that we should be more like this person or make ourselves more like this version of us

in order to get this person's approval and to avoid the social rejection that we fear. How this shows up is something that I like to call an anxiety spiral, particularly before things, like first dates or even like second, third dates, you know, should I wear this? What will they think if I wear that? What will they think about if I answer this question this way? What will they think if I double text them? Like so many different fears that we have around what this person is thinking. It can cause us to feel really overwhelmed to say things we don't mean to cancel dates last minute to leave early, especially like for those of us with a panic disorder. It's a fear around what will happen if I have a panic attack during the date? How embarrassing. And it's that fear spiral. It's

that catastrophizing, that future telling, that predicting, that can lead to avoidance. The easiest way to not feel fear is to not put yourself in those situations, right? So whilst one person might not think twice about walking into a blind date with someone they don't know, for someone else, it takes a lot more mental preparation. And sometimes it's easier to just not have those experiences because they are so stressful and so overwhelming. And it's not that you don't want love. It's not that you are like not putting yourself out there. It's not that you don't want to put yourself out there.

It's so much more complicated. And I think sometimes that's something that people just can't say. I also want to talk about the impact of swipe based dating apps like hinge, Tinder, Bumble, and how they've been shown to impact our mental health in this centuries. Not even in this century. in the last like five to 10 years. So there is one pretty amazing paper on this. It's actually one of the only pieces of research actually on this topic.

And it was published in 2020. And it really takes a deep dive into how dating apps have changed not just how we date, but the subsequent mental health impacts that come with constantly being able to scroll thousands of profiles and have your attractiveness and perceive desirability, validated or dismissed by strangers at all hours of the day. Yes, I think dating apps have expanded our options. If we're talking about anxiety, you know, it's really great for people with social anxiety at times. It means that they have more time to talk to someone online. You know, it's more accessible. But it's also a lot more stress-inducing. This study, the one I was just speaking about,

it showed that people who are using dating apps do report higher levels of depression, high levels of anxiety, higher levels of comparison, of distress compared to those who don't use these applications. And that's probably for a few reasons. Firstly, if you're not having the success that you want, that can be incredibly demoralizing, incredibly painful. But additionally, when your emotional resources and ability to cope is already being taxed by mental health concerns, it means that you're a lot more sensitive to these perceived rejections. And that is the second component of why I think dating apps in particular are hard for people who have anxiety or any type of mental health condition because of what we call rejection sensitivity.

Dating involves a lot more nose than it does. some people, especially those with anxiety or ADHD or BPD, experience a more severe reaction and emotional pain to being rejected than others. So they looked into this back in 2021 and they confirmed that link. And what they coined was this term called dating anxiety. And what that really comes to tell us is that there are certain people who, their anxiety is so specific that it becomes, it comes to revolver this very experience of dating, of having to meet people, new people, who could potentially,

you know, be the love of your life, but also is more likely than not going to not be a great experience, you know, as hard as that is. Like I said, like, dating is basically like a constant rejection exercise for a lot of people. And if your rejection sensitivity is heightened, it's going to mean that every time these things happen, every time you're ghosted, every time someone doesn't match with you, every time someone doesn't reply to you, it's going to mean that those things, you feel them a lot more deeply. It makes it harder to bounce back. And it makes you look for other conclusions to that person's perceived rejection. It makes you look into what is wrong with you. Anxious people are not only, I think, the biggest overthinkers out there, but also some of the

most intelligent people in the world because their brains are constantly looking for answers to every problem, even problems that haven't happened yet, even problems that have nothing to do with them that they will never find an answer for. Someone hasn't messaged you back on a dating app. There are a million different conclusions. Someone hasn't asked you on a second date, there are also a million different answers as to why. But we cannot move forward without finding out why and normally when we don't have the answers from the other person, we look internally. We become very creative about our responses and we internalize that there must be something wrong with us if this person didn't like us enough to take it to the next level, to keep

seeing us to message us back. And that reduces our self-confidence, reduces our self-esteem. It can really lead to an anxiety spiral, but also exacerbate things like our abandonment issues or an anxious or avoidant attachment style, your threshold for what might be triggering you is naturally, if you are someone with anxiety, a lot lower, meaning that it's more sensitive, meaning that things that other people might ignore, things that other people might dismiss, might see as just kind of like part of the game, impact you a lot more, and also cause us to question our value, our value, our judgment. and kind of what we have to offer.

That is why if you are someone who struggles with their mental health and is also dating, you are going to have to set stronger boundaries than people who don't have those experiences. And there's a few reasons why. Bad dating experiences, overlooking potential red flags, bad people, they can worsen our mental health in very, very severe and serious ways. there is medical evidence to support that bad dates bad relationships bad situationships they can cause stress they can damage your immune system mainly because those situations increase our cortisol they put us in a stress state that if it isn't resolved put so much additional pressure on our body

that it takes up all of our resources all of the resources that we need to cope in other areas of our life our mental energy is a finite resource so when one experience when one aspect of our life is requiring a lot from us, like a string of bad dates, or a bunch of messages left on red, or a person who doesn't reply or who treats you badly, or who just like keeps, you know, she keeps dragging you along, leading you on. Those are so mentally taxing that they take resources that we need to devote to other things. They can also present as a trigger. Even healthy love can be a trigger, because, as I said before, love leaves us incredibly vulnerable. It just demands that you be more open, more open to connection, yes, but also more open to pain, to heartbreak, to being hurt.

It is mentally demanding. It's emotionally quite perilous. And when things go wrong, your mental health will be impacted. And that's not to scare you. It's just to like make sure that you're aware that you need to be more conscious of what you should be demanding for yourself, who you are letting in. And, you know, I have a story about this about someone I dated. It was like my first boyfriend and I did everything that you weren't meant to do. I'm going to take accountability here.

Like, I trauma bonded with this person. I became reliant on him whilst also ignoring all the signs that he had a savior complex. I abandoned my tried and tested self-care habits and the important parts of my routine that were keeping me happy and stable and in a good place. And then he broke up with me. And that pushed me to such a low point. it completely disrupted what I felt was normal. It created emotional imbalance and it resulted in like a pretty massive depressive episode that was like three months long.

And I think obviously that's a very serious case, but it happens a lot with things that are less serious. Like you just have to realize that your sensitivity and your threshold might be lower than other people because you do have such a big heart because you do have so many other things going on that small things that other people can dismiss might hurt you in. injure your sense of worth, your self-esteem more than others. And I want you to ask yourself, you know, is a short attachment or a fling or a burst of romance with someone who might not be treating you well who might not want what you want? Is it worth jeopardizing your mental health?

That is one of the most important resources that you have. You cannot, I guess I get it back, like it's so hard to rebuild. It is precious and it is delicate. So when you are dating people, really ask yourself, is this person proving to me that they are safe? Is it going to cost me my mental health to be with them? I think the answer to that question isn't always clear, but I want to provide some tips on how to, I don't want to say keep yourself safe because that is slightly dramatic, but more so how to date with your mental health and emotional well-being as a priority. And also some advice for people who are dating partners who struggle with their mental health. How can you show up as a really good person in this person's life. How can you help them without being overbearing,

without becoming that kind of savior character that we were speaking about? So all of that and more after this short break. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with researchers and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships and you will

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And in this new season of the girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no.

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Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, learn the hard way. Open your free, our heart radio app. Search learn the hard way and listen now. We face a lot of misconceptions when we date as people, myself included, who have had ups and downs with our mental health. And one of the biggest misconceptions I hear is that because you are depressed, because you are anxious, because you need more reassurance, because you catastrophes, because you need more rest, whatever it is, that you are somehow less deserving of love, that it is harder in some way for people to love you.

There is not a tiny, tiny part of that that is true, not at all. And I think when we, I don't want to say let ourselves believe it, but when we take that as a truth, when we hear that too often, we settle for less because we begin to think, well, if I'm hard to love, I should take what I'm given. And I should be happy with it because it's better than nothing. And that is the absolute worst mindset that we can have when it comes to like looking for love. you are deserving of just so much, so much, if not more.

You are so incredibly open-hearted and sensitive and empathetic. You see the world differently. Like, that is amazing. And I think we need to ensure that we are open to the love that we deserve whilst also really taking care of ourselves. So here are some of my tips. Number one, don't feel like you need to give people a reason if you're a little off, especially in the early stages of dating.

you don't need to be explicit or over-explain yourself. If you need to cancel a date because you're having an episode or because you're just really anxious, just say, you know, you don't have to give them the exact reason. Sometimes I think honesty is not the best policy. And we're not doing this from a place of like, what if I scare them off? Like, absolutely not. It's more that we want to protect ourselves from feeling closer to this person than we need to before they've proved to us that they deserve to feel close to us. Hopefully that makes sense.

But I think if we like immediately are like, sorry, I need to cancel the date, like, I'm super depressed because, you know, my pet just died and, oh, I've had, you know, ongoing depression for three years and blah, like, obviously, like, eventually, if this person, like, works out, you can tell them all those things. You should tell them all those things. But in the early stages, I do think, as we spoke about in the first half of this episode, you don't want to become. like feel like you're relying on this person or feel like because you've shared something with them that suddenly the relationship is more important than it actually is. So don't feel like you need, that they need to know everything about you up front. I think that prevents trauma bonding and it

allows you to kind of create some some distance, some healthy distance so that you continue to ensure that you are coping without looking to them to be your savior, looking to them to be your distraction. some ways that we can do that. Obviously, like, you don't need to be explicit if things are happening, especially not if it's like before a first date or like even I would say in the first three dates. And also create space between your dates as well so that you don't feel like, I think this doesn't even just relate to people with mental health concerns, but everyone, like sometimes when you spend like three days in a row with someone, like you're automatically going to see them as like a more important part of your life than someone that you went on three dates with.

like over the span of three weeks. So try and like give yourself time, give yourself space to actually get to know someone. Try not to date as a distraction from your mental health, from taking care of yourself or at the expense of your mental health. If you know that you are going through a really hard time and that maybe one of your tendencies is to self-sabotage, is to self-destruct. And the way you do that is through dating. You know that about yourself. You know that. So try not to use other people to use like the allure of love as a solution, as a distraction, as kind of like a tool that isn't dependable. Do you know what I mean? Like mental health is so delicate. But also I think after a period of time, you kind of understand what works for you is that taking your medication on time,

is that making sure that you have a loan time and time to reset? Is it making sure that you're doing enough exercise that you're going to therapy? And if there is a relationship that is getting in the way of you doing those things, those things that you know are independently really good for you, because you are using this person as a distraction, because they seem to be offering you this like huge, big, glowing, life-changing antidote that is love. Take a step back.

also don't be afraid to say that doesn't work for me like if you have things that you need to do to protect your mental health you don't owe this person anything right like the most important person in your life is you and taking care of you should always be priority don't worry about upsetting them don't worry about letting them down that is a people pleasing habit that is obviously more common amongst people who are anxious or amongst people who have some kind of trauma to do with dating, you're allowed to say, no, that doesn't work for me. You're allowed to say, you're allowed to, like, put up boundaries and you're allowed to, like, continue to prioritize yourself, even if this other person, like, might be bothered by it, even if they might be upset, even if it doesn't work for them.

If you are also an anxious person when dating, get off the apps or limit your notifications. I did this a lot because I would get like these phantom buzzers. I'm such an anxious data, right? Because I am an anxious person that immediately after I'd matched with something, everything matched with someone, like everything would just feel more heightened. There was so much expectation because I was always overthinking everything and I was always like looking to predict the future. And so I found that like I would always be checking my phone.

I was always like overly worried about when this person was going to get back to me. Like what they'd said if they'd match with me. turn off your notifications and only check them twice a day. Once a day. I don't know. Set like a time period that feels reasonable for you and stick to it so that you don't feel like this thing, this app, this like weird holy grail of like potential dates, has control over your emotional reactions and has control over your mood. If whether or not someone matched with you that day or whether or not this man replied

to you or this woman or this person replied to you, is impacting your mood. That is a really good point time to be like, I'm going to set a boundary here. This is not healthy. This is not serving me. This is not good for my health. And my health is, I'm most about to be like, health is wealth. Very cheesy, very Dr. Seuss vibes.

But it really is. It really is. And I think it's worth it to take a step back, even if you get less of the validation, even if you feel like you're less actively dating and pursuing love in order to really like rest and sit in what you need. If you are dating after trauma or a heart experience, I also say, like, go on dates that are low pressure. Go on dates at a low effort so you don't get too invested at the start.

Ask more questions of them than them of you to really test their emotional intelligence. I, like, have a few questions here that I asked, that I did ask, that really, like, allowed me to see whether this person is going to be accepting of me and everything that that brought. one of the best ones is to ask them the last time they cried. I know it sounds like so silly, but how someone responds to that question honestly actually tells you a lot about how they'll be not just in a relationship, but kind of how they see emotional reactions in general, how they treat their own emotions. And then maybe I should have said this tip earlier,

but I think it kind of was obvious. Like sometimes you just need to stop dating. like if sometimes it's just not worth it it's just there are a lot of reasons why it's harder sometimes obviously the rejection sensitivity the self-worth the need to self-isolate the like the depressive episodes like sometimes it's just it's too hard and it's okay to just be like yeah i'm not dating at the moment it might seem like everyone else is doing it you don't need to be everyone you don't need to be everyone you don't need to be like putting yourself through an emotional roller coaster with the promise that maybe you'll meet someone because maybe you will meet someone, but maybe they'll hurt

you more than you're prepared to be hurt at the moment, more than you are able to be hurt at the moment, you know, more than you can take. I think that's an important thing to think about. All right. So those are some of my tips. Take them or leave them, please. If you have others, tell me, I'll share them over on my Instagram. But I want to also just quickly talk about a quick, like, rapid fire list for people who might be listening to this episode seeking information about someone there dating who is struggling with depression, who is struggling with anxiety, who is struggling with a mental health condition. Coming from someone who I'm dating someone who is amazing at this, who is just, like, I don't know

where he got this unique ability, this unique ability for just like empathy and just to know what to do. And I think I've learned a lot from him in terms of like what it means to show, up for someone in a relationship when they're struggling through what he's done and through how he's shown up for me. So firstly, let them talk or let them be silent. Don't be too pushy for answers because you think that them talking about something is going to make it better for them. I think sometimes we think that if we vocalize, like someone just needs to vocalize how they're feeling and they'll feel better. Like internalizing any problem means that we're suppressing it. we're not dealing with it. That is not how everyone's minds work. Sometimes we do need to be silent

in order to process. Sometimes that is the best way for us to work through heavy emotions. So honestly, see yourself as like, almost like a priest, almost like someone who's willing to listen, someone who's willing to give advice based on what that person needs. Secondly, don't make them feel guilty for things not in their control. They cannot, like if you've had any experience with mental health. You'll know that you can try so hard to be something for someone else, can try so hard to show up for plans that you just mentally cannot, cannot do, you can try so hard to get out of bed, you can try so hard to suppress that need for reassurance, and it's not going to work. So as their partner, don't make them feel bad when they're probably already

feeling bad enough for the ways that maybe their mental health is showing. up in your relationship in less than great ways. Thirdly, this probably should have been number one. Educate yourself. And you can educate yourself through speaking to them as well, because you can educate yourself on their exact symptoms, on their exact patterns of thinking, on how it shows up for them. But it's very easy to use Google. You can just have a little browse on what it is that this condition really means for someone, how it shows up in their life, what someone might need, so that you can also be able to have open conversations with this person, with this person you love. Be patient. Be patient. They're trying really hard. And I know you're probably trying really hard too.

Both of you are trying really hard. Like that's a winning factor in a relationship. But be patient with them if they don't have all the answers for why they're feeling a certain way, right now. They might not have the answers. Mental health is a bit of a black box sometimes. Just let them take some time to process things themselves to talk to you when they need to talk to you and offer small creature comforts. Offer like a home cooked meal. Offer for you to offer to go out and get them the groceries that they need to just quickly vacuum their room. Things that like might be really mentally draining for them that you have the capacity to do. speaking of capacity though take care of yourself and know that it is okay to walk away you are not

their carer but also don't blindside them and definitely don't give them ultimatums like you need to get better or or like i'll start coming over more once you start going to therapy every day or once you start taking a medication like that that is not it might feel like you're loving someone through tough love but I think it just causes a relationship to rip. It causes them to feel like they can't be honest with you. When you love someone, it's very easy to really want to show up for them. And almost like, it's like that saying, like you can take a horse to water, but you can't always make them drink.

You might feel like you're helping by, because you know what's best for them, because you're this outside person. And sometimes you don't. You can gently encourage, but I think they know themselves quite well. at this point and they know what they need. And you don't need to be their carer. I think when a relationship takes on that kind of role takes on that dynamic, that's when things begin to fall apart.

That's when we see codependency. That's when we see a heavy emotional reliance. That's when we see trauma bonding. And that's not really, I think, the marker of a good long-term relationship. You need to be your own people together. So I hope that this episode has been helpful. I understand that it might be rambly. Even as I was recording, I was like, there was so much to be said here, so much to pack

into like just this one episode. Honestly, there's so much more research that needs to be done on this. And there's so many more conversations that need to be done on this as well. Like we always think of mental health as like just deriving entirely from our choices in a way or it's biological, but there is so much about our environment, including like the people we're dating, the people were romantically involved with, that whole social process, that whole everything to do with it that does like have a very deep emotional and psychological impact. So I hope that you have learned something.

I hope that this is helpful. I hope that you can apply it to your own life. And if there is someone who needs to hear this episode, please feel free to share it with them. as always, please feel free as well to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening, if you feel cool to do so, it helps this show grow. Big shout out to Charlotte, who left me the nicest review on Apple Podcasts. Charlotte, thank you if you are listening to this. It made me super emotional.

I read every single one of them. If you have an episode suggestion, if you have a comment, if you have a query, if you have thoughts, please feel free to follow me at that psychology podcast. Reach out to me over there. And as always, we will be back next week with another episode. On the Look Back at it podcast. In 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84's big to me.

I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild. I mean, it was a wild year.

I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor? It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to.

Listen to learn the hard way on the IHard radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Owens, correct? I doctored the test once. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Gillespie and Michael Mancini.

My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available.

I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the signs of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person.

Listen to 2%. That's TWA% on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human.