The Psychology of your 20s - 17. The Psychology of Cheating

Episode Date: December 3, 2021

Why do people cheat? Is the phrase once a cheater, always a cheater correct? Where do conceptions of monogamy come from? Learn in this episode.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.

Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO. percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me.

I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people.

Listen to look back at it on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that doesn't. does not mean that you need to listen to learn the hard way on the aha radio app apple podcast or

wherever you get your podcast hello and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s the podcast where we talk through some of the big changes and transitions about 20s and what they mean for our psychology great another week another episode um this week the people have spoken and what they want to hear it is drum more please the psychology of cheating so buckle in friends because I don't think this is an easy or light topic like last weeks we are talking about dishonesty unfaithfulness and hurt that occurs in our most precious relationships and if you've been cheated on if you haven't hope you still kind of find something interesting about this um I've kind of brought in a lot of different theories This one was actually really interesting to research.

We've got theories from biological psychology, behavioral psychology, personality psychology, social psychology. So it's a bit of a doozy. Additionally, if you hear some ruckus in the background, it's Christmas season, and for those who know me, I live across the road from a pub. So everyone's partying. I actually show around Bill Shorten there the other day, so Bill Shorten's getting in on the Christmas spirit. But yeah, there might be some noise filtering in. Doesn't matter. We're here to learn.

So, yeah, the psychology of cheating. So I heard this statistic on this podcast I was listening to the other day. 50% of relationships will involve an act of infidelity. And I think we hear about cheating a lot in our 20s as an explanation for why people have broken up or why you shouldn't date someone. Oh, you know, they cheat on their last partner. Like, he's a scumbag, that kind of thing. So let's deep dive into why. Why does this occur? Are people who cheat bad people?

Is the phrase, once a cheater, always a cheater, correct? I think it's time to investigate. So cheating, for those who have experienced this, is pretty terrible. I think it's a lot like a big trope in movies and songs, pop culture, folklore. We see it all around us. We see it quite often. It's up for discussion, and I feel like it's quite ubiquitous. But for people in those situations, I think nothing about it feels like something someone else could understand or rationalise to you.

It's one of those experiences that is common, I would say, what we, 50% of people or 50% of relationships. But really isolating and unique in how emotionally destructive and undermining it can be. And I think the emotional aftermath is much like the stages of grief, the shock, denial, anger, but hopefully the acceptance. obviously pending maybe some long-term interpersonal damage. I think something that is really interesting when we talk about cheating is that people have different conceptions of it. Often we think of cheating as like a physical act, but cheating isn't just sex.

It can also be emotional disclosure. And I think we have this idea of cheating as this physical act or sexual intimacy. And that's actually not probably, I would say, the most important area of our romantic relationship. sex is just one part, but it's the emotional closeness that sex kind of comes along with is just a natural expression of that. So I think the thing that we also need to talk about whilst we're talking about physical cheating is emotional cheating. And that can kind of look like secretive, sustained closeness with someone who's not your primary partner.

And in some ways, I can imagine that it's worse. Sex without emotion is not uncommon, but a deep, at times non-sexual, emotional, intimacy can mean so much more and possibly undermines a relationship more than a mere physical act. And I think the reason why we react to physical cheating is, firstly, the absolute like a front to notions like loyalty and trust and honesty that we want in our romantic relationships. But also, it's the idea that sex could lead to more. It could leave to someone leaving. It could leave to your relationship breaking down and that emotional intimacy between you and your

partner kind of crumbling. Interestingly, fun fact, but not that fun, men tend to get more upset about physical infidelity whilst women are more concerned with cheating that is associated with intense emotional disclosure. And some psychologists have suggested that this stems from the primitive reason behind why we take partners or accept monogamy to begin with. So men want to ensure monogamy so that they know their offspring are actually theirs for genetic purposes. Whilst women, you know, biologically, this is a genetic evolutionary argument, but women, they want a partner or a mate who will be loyal and stick around and provide support.

And I think with most evolutionary explanations, this does tend to be a bit outdated and doesn't really keep up with how we understand gender roles in reproduction and mateship nowadays, but it's still an interesting theory from kind of an evolutionary area of psychology. I think with emotional cheating, we do have to be careful about calling any type of emotional attachment to someone that isn't your primary partner, a form of cheating. I think it's really important to have people who aren't your partner you can share things with and that have that level of openness, but it's about boundaries. You know, if your partner is spending hours alone with someone having deep, meaningful,

philosophical conversations about death and your parents' divorce, that might upset you, but it might not upset someone else. It's all about what you expect from that person and how you have defined the emotional boundaries of your relationship. But I can see why that would be very frustrating and upsetting and worth communicating about them in a healthy way, obviously. Always using eye language as is an idea in therapy.

So let's talk about why people cheat. This is really interesting from a psychological perspective. There are obviously many reasons why people cheat, but according to this woman, Kelly Campbell, she is I think an associate or professor of psychology at CSU, they usually fall into three categories. So the reasons people might cheat might be individual based on the relationship or situational. So when we talk about individual reasons, these often have something to do with a person's personality, which may make them more likely to cheat. So this is often factors like your personality traits, your beliefs, your religion.

For example, someone who is narcissistic is more likely to cheat. There was this big study of like 4,000 people and they asked them about their sexual history, did a bunch of personality tests and assessments, and they found this, that narcissists are more likely to cheat. Side note, I did a whole episode on this if you want to know how to identify these narcissistic people and steer clear of them and your dating last. but a quick summary, a narcissist can't naturally feel empathy and often uses people as means to an ends. So maybe that's their partner or the person they're cheating with. So they may be more prone

to not being able to consider or even, you know, care about the consequences of their sexual infidelity. I think it's often worth noting that it would be sexual infidelity more often than not because emotional cheating would probably be very rare for a narcissist and someone who can't relate to other people on an effective and emotional level. Another individual factor is people with attachment, commitment or self-esteem issues. They also seem to be more likely to cheat as this 2016 study I was talking about has suggested. So wanting a boost to self-esteem can motivate infidelity. having sex with a new person, getting to know a new person can lead to really positive internal feelings.

You might feel empowered, attractive, confident or successful and these feelings all kind of build up your self-esteem when you may not have had much previously. People who have a hard time with commitment may also be more likely to cheat in some cases. I think also importantly because commitment just doesn't mean the same thing. to everyone. You know, it's possible for two people in a relationship to have very different ideas about the relationship status, such as whether it's casual, exclusive and so on. I think it's also possible to really like someone and still fear making a commitment to them. And in this case, one partner might end up cheating as a way of avoiding commitment, even if they would naturally prefer to stay in that relationship. So this was the type of cheating. The reason people cheat is, it's

from an individual perspective. And the second type of cheating is due to relationship issues rather than something internally about the person who's been cheating. It's about the state of things between you as a pair, the state of your relationship. Researchers have found time and time again that partnerships that are characterized by dissatisfaction, unfulfilling sex, and high conflict,

they're often at a higher risk for infidelity. Also, the more dissimilar partners are in terms of personality and education level and things in common, the more likely they are to experience infidelity. If there are unmet needs or this glimmering euphoria of falling in love is no longer kind of sustaining your bond, cheating may become more likely because the rush and intensity of endorphins and dopamine from you as a partner is fading for that other person. but still you don't have to cheat in these situations if you don't love someone anymore you can always break up with them or discuss an open relationship instead of betraying your partner's trust in you or loyalty in the monogamy of your relationship I think that's something

I always say like if you're going to cheat on someone why don't you just break up with them I think that's something a lot of us think like why don't you just break up with them and this kind of leads to the third reason people cheat which is situation reasons. Sometimes people aren't going out there looking for someone else to validate them, looking for sex, looking for emotional disclosure. So situational reasons, this refers to someone who cheats, but they don't have a personality that's prone to cheating. Your relationship is fine, but something about their environment puts them at a risk for infidelity. So like consider this scenario. You're really frustrated with the recent distance in your relationship. Maybe you're

long distance and you're dealing with feelings of low self-esteem and your appearance and one day like a co-worker or someone at uni becomes really friendly with you and catches you alone and says something like I'm really attracted to you like let's get together sometime you might not choose to cheat if only one or two factors were involved so for example if it was just the situation but this combination of motivating factors you know the distance in your relationship which is a relationship issue, your feelings about your impureance, self-esteem, a personal individual issue,

and that situational factor, the attention of your co-worker can make infidelity more likely. So which reason is the worst, I guess? Maybe that's a question we want to ask. But I don't think we're really here to pass judgment on that. I think the emotional outcome is all the same, especially in our 20s when many of your relationships

are highly formative, a relationship in which you've been, cheated on can have many second order consequences on your ability to trust in the future and your own perceptions of commitment which is think is why it's so important to kind of chat about how it's probably not your fault and don't cheat on your partners maybe that's something that needs to be said hopefully we all are on the same page there but there is another idea that we can apply to cheating specifically why people cheat that I found really fascinating. And it comes up a lot in psychology around relationships and sex and

things like that. And it's called the triangular theory of love. So the triangular theory of love suggests that love can be understood in terms of three components that together can be kind of viewed as forming the vertices of a triangle. So if you put your hands up in a triangle, I'll explain. So on one side, we've got intimacy. The next side, we have. The next side, we have have passion and the final side we have decision and commitment. This is what creates a good relationship but when one of these sides fails, for example intimacy or you no longer feel that passion for someone or things like conflict and cheating pierce the harmony of the triangle, that's when the relationship is probably going to fail and we might see greater degrees of

infidelity. So talking again about this amazing psychologist Kelly Campbell, there are a myriad of that people cheat, but she's really quick to point out in this article that she wrote that it shouldn't actually be demonized. She makes this point. We don't know if humans are even meant to be monogamous. It's just that some people are naturally more in line with those views and others are not. So that's kind of the age old question. Does cheating make you a bad person? And our natural instinct might be to say yes, of course it does. You shouldn't cheat on someone you love. When you have a bond with someone when you have a greed on exclusivity, not honoring that and hurting the other person is pretty terrible. But like everything, there's a lot of gray area. And I think in some ways,

there's gray area about whether if you've cheated before, that makes you a cheater for life, or whether cheating on someone is forgivable. Do we kind of allow people to make mistakes in relationships if we can call cheating that. And something else is like what constitutes cheating? And another huge question, we're really loading them off on you, is, is the evil that we kind of assigned to cheating purely cultural because of the institution of monogamy that's been created by property rights and the church and religion? That's what we're going to discuss next.

The phrase, once a cheater, always a cheater, might not be true. People can make mistakes and whether they reoffend, I guess, or cheat again on the same or a different partner. It depends on how they rationalise their actions internally and at times unconsciously. And this has a lot to do with the psychology behind cognitive dissonance. So whether you cheat again will depend on how you change your attitude towards commitment or your partner after that first act. So dissonance reduction following a difficult moral decision can cause people to behave either more or less ethically in the future. So using the cheating example, after you cheat on someone, whether that behavior becomes more or less likely you'll cheat in the future will differ based on your attitudes and how you attempt to justify your ethical choice. So if you cheat on someone, especially if you get caught, you'll probably feel really terrible.

and if you are a good person, a moral person, I guess it will conflict with how we like to see ourselves as trustworthy in a relationship, as good, as respected, as loyal. So we experience this dissonance between the perception of ourselves and our actions. Cognitive dissonance is the term in psychology, and we're going to try to justify an action by minimizing aspects of the action you have chosen. So that's one way that you get to.

over that dissonance of cheating. You might say, oh, it's not that bad. Everyone does it. You minimize aspects of the action. So if someone chooses to justify their actions using this logic, they'll probably do it again because they have some form of external justification or validation that is brought on by the reinforcement of the belief that it's not that bad because other people are doing it, because everyone does it. Because, you know, what do you expect? However, if you subscribe cheating to a personal flaw and recognize that, that, you know, that maybe it's because of your self-esteem, maybe it's because, you know, there's tension in your relationship that you might be responsible for, you don't have open communication, that external validation is no longer

there. If you say to yourself that you cheated because of situational and internal factors, you can control that behavior and you can see that it was a mistake that you don't want to make again. This is when long-lasting change is possible because you've created a new counter-belief about yourself that does not include cheating on a partner. You've decided this is not who I am. It was because of a situational factor or because of something I can control like poor levels of confidence and I can change that. So this is called self-persuasion and it creates a long-lasting attitude change that results from this self-justification. So if someone's cheated on you and you've decided to forgive them. Firstly, God bless you. Forgiveness always. But if you're worried about

whether they're going to cheat again, it's probably important to talk to them about how they see their actions now. If they say, oh, you know, it wasn't that bad. I think it's a lot more common than you think. I guess it was just a slip up. They probably will do it again. But if they say, oh my gosh, it's just not who I am. That was such a mistake. I think it was because of this issue in our relationship that I want to fix. I've decided that like this isn't, who I want to be, it was because of this, then it's unlikely that they'll do it again. So it really depends on the root a person chooses to take. Do they seek external or internal justification for their actions in order to minimize their guilt?

And if that person feels no guilt, well, it might be because the relationship you're in is with maybe a narcissist or someone with a pretty sinister personality trait that has manifested in. infidelity and you probably shouldn't stay with that person. If they've hurt you and they don't feel guilty, red flag. Big red flag. Get out of there. I think it is always important though to remember that humans make mistakes and that includes your partner. There is no use ever, I think, holding your partner to the standard of perfection because you'll kind of always be let down. You've got to love someone for who they are, not who you want them to be. And while infidelity is far from perfection, far.

I don't think you should always totally write off your partner because they've cheated in the past or they cheated before in your relationship. Obviously, this is your call. But like we said, sometimes cheating can be because of low self-esteem or they might feel as if they need attention

from someone outside of the relationship to feel desirable or worthy. I think that kind of makes it seem like it's your fault that you should have been like hyping them up day and day night. But I think that, it's important to recognize that whilst the cheater is ultimately at fault there are things that can drive someone to cheat so while we are evaluating the mistakes that cheaters are making it's also important to consider the types of mistakes that lead people to cheat and whether maybe you could

have done it as well and if you are in a relationship you should be sure to kind of encourage your partner and communicate to them that they are good enough and deserving of your love you know I think your kind of role is to provide security in a relationship but again not your fault if someone cheats on you. It's not because you didn't love them enough. That's kind of stupid. But again, I think if someone oversteps your boundary or hurts you,

like I said, not your fault. I think, and in no way does the philosophy of people make mistakes, mean you should just forgive and forget, especially if it's caused lasting damage or you think this person could do it again. I think your peace is probably not worth staying with them.

And maybe it will cause you guys to reassess your relationship and communicate better, but that might not always be an option. Now let's introduce some social psychology into the next, which is my favourite. So we've looked at biology, our evolutionary psychology. We've looked at personality in terms of narcissism and at behavioral psychology, but what constitutes cheating and why is it that we are so disproving of it? So there are obvious reasons. We don't like cheating because it hurts us, and it's awful and it sucks. But is that reaction only because we have been trained to expect monogamy?

Is the rejection of cheating behaviour is something that is culturally ingrained in us? I also think people have different conceptions of what cheating is, and that's important to set up first. For some, if their partner were to spend time with someone else in a non-sexual way, but for company that could be, you know, something just non-sexual, like I said, that could be deemed as cheating. Whereas for others, things like kissing or flirting might not be a big deal. Or in context where, you know, maybe they go and see strippers or they're making out with a friend or a friend of the same gender.

These things may be okay in some relationships and not others. I do have kind of a problem with, like, guys being like, oh yeah, you know, my girlfriend, like, kissed another girl, but it's not cheating. because they kind of like undervalue, especially if that woman's bisexual, because they undervalue the sexual urges. Like, you know, I don't know. I think it's like a bit problematic to be like, oh, just because it's like between two women, I'm less offended, whereas if it was with a man, because I see women as less of a threat because I don't actually respect my girlfriend's sexuality.

Anyhow, a bit of a segue. But I think that line of what you see is cheating or not is highly subjective. and it's based on what you decide as a couple. I don't think that it's something that you can determine by trial and error, like, at all. Set those boundaries and make them clear. But kind of that second part we're talking about is, is cheating that bad, and do our reactions to it only come about because of certain social norms? So it feels like we've spent, you know, the past century making a slew of progressive social changes

that kind of undermine the sanctity of monogamy. I think it's more open and more common for couples to talk about the nature of their relationship than ever before. And I think we've reached a stage where relationships aren't as black and white as society has perhaps previously expected them to be. This is something really interesting that my friend Carolina, friend of the show, told me. There's this idea in gender psychology and in gender studies that monogamy arose because of laws around property and the influence of religion. So men wanted to ensure that the offspring they were passing their inheritance onto were actually theirs. And so cheating became more taboo, especially for women, because it would undermine male sexual, emotional, economic and physical authority. Also, as religious teachings made sex more conservative and wanted it to become more sacred, this restricted sex and intimacy into marriage, and people were shamed for breaking that sanctity of one man, one wife and their kind of marriage bed.

So I think the cultural humiliation and pressure not to cheat throughout history because of the influence of these institutions and influences has perhaps created the feelings we have now around cheating. Obviously, it's still, you know, naturally doesn't feel good, but emotions and reactions are, as we know, culturally conditioned in many ways from your parents, from your peers, from the media. And if history had promoted polyamory and multiple sexual partners or no marriage, Maybe as a way to increase population and keep greater harmony, and that was our history. Maybe these ideas around cheating, which by the way I still see is pretty fucking abhorrent, but maybe those ideas around cheating would be less negative, and the idea of sleeping with someone else or having emotional intimacy with someone else would be more accepted. I hope that we've enjoyed this kind of quick episode on the psychology of cheating.

I think cheating, you know, as hard as it is, is kind of common in our 20s as we're testing out our boundaries and how we communicate with partners and kind of experiencing sex and intimacy and emotional disclosure for the first time. We hear a lot of stories about it. Perhaps you've experienced it. So I hope this kind of shed some light on why it happens, the reasons around why people cheat, but also kind of expresses that I don't think it's ever someone's, like the person who's been cheated on's fault. There is so many. many theories that explain why people are driven to cheat, but so few theories that kind of put

that blame on the partner. And I think especially interesting about this is this idea of that culturally conditioned idea of monogamy and whether we would see cheating as less bad if history had been different. If we didn't have the influence of property rights or religion, obviously that's a bit of a fantasy, but just kind of something to think about. Anyhow, another episode, I also I just want to quickly say I got my Spotify wrapped for my podcast this year and there was just so much love, you guys. You've all been listening so much and I really, really appreciate it like a lot. I think at one point we were like 24th in the charts in Australia, which is like insane considering

I record this on my phone in my Canberra bedroom. So thank you so much. And if you do like the podcast and you feel cool to support it more, please let write us a review on Apple Podcasts. It really helps the community and the show kind of grow, brings more people in to bring new ideas for what they want to discuss, and hopefully they get something out of it like you have. So thanks again for listening. Next week, we're talking about the psychology of loneliness.

Another sad one. So I hope we're all ready for that. See ya. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the signs of mental toughness,

fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO% on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

On the Look Back at a podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me. I'm saying. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s.

It was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. Space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor.

It signals to the world that you're not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, listen to learn the hard way on the IHard radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. This is an IHart podcast. Guaranteed Human.