The Psychology of your 20s - 172. I'm scared of getting older

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

It's my birthday. Let's talk about my fear of growing older.  Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg  Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thepsychologyofyour20s     See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the signs of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.

Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO. percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On The Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me.

I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people.

Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host Keer Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen and learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Owens, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through. the same thing. Greg Gillespie and Michael Ranjini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences.

Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transatlose. of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we as always break down the psychology of our 20s. Today we're going to have a bit more of a chit chat. Chill, sit down and discuss episode, more of a casual episode, more of a personal episode today.

I like to do these every now and again. This podcast is kind of also a bit of a diary and a journal for me through my 20s, as much as I love the research and I love thinking about all the science. I also like to be able to look back on the episodes that I've done in the past and kind of see where I was at in that moment. And this episode is one of those. It's kind of a nice time, I think, to do a little check-in. The reason being is because I'm...

I just turned 24. I am sure there are a lot of people listening to this who are like, oh my gosh, you are such a baby. 24 years old. What are you talking about? That is so young. But in my eyes, obviously it's the oldest I've ever been, duh. But it's also really interesting because I view birthdays with such fear and such, just such anxiety. And I think that that is a very common experience, this fear.

of getting older, this fear of having additional responsibilities, of realizing that time is finite and that you're kind of churning through the amount of years that you might have available on this earth. I know it sounds very extensional because it is. And I remember being maybe like 16. I have this very distinct memory of being around that age and thinking, oh my gosh, 24, that is so old. that is so old people at that age must have everything together like i'm going to have a house at that age i'm going to have children i'm going to have my little pet dog or whatever it was and here i am at that age now looking back at the vision that my younger self had and i'm just in a completely different place than i thought i would be and i don't know if it's just me but i always find that birthdays are such a point of

like reflection, but also anxiety, because it really puts into perspective, really how finite, how much finite time we actually have on the earth and how much there is to do, how much there is to achieve, how much love there is to give, and the ways in which we might be wasting that time or not taking complete advantage of that. So, yes, that is a long ramble, but it was my birthday. It was amazing. I had a great time. My boyfriend took me out for dinner and then I went out to dinner with a bunch of my friends. And it's really nice to be around friends who have known you for a while and also new friends, you know, people that I've known since high school and since literally my first day of uni. And then people I only met last year and my partner and it's just a very

beautiful experience. I always try to make a big deal out of my birthday. If you, know me personally, you're probably laughing at that statement, because you know how true that is. For my 21st birthday, I think I tried to distract myself from my fear of aging by just going all out. I had, it was literally the festival of Gemma. I had three birthday parties. It was a bit overkill. But I think in my mind, I was like, if I can make this exciting, maybe I can suppress some of the anxiety I have around my finite existence on this planet. And around, around. the fact that I am getting older and I may not have achieved everything that I wanted to at this age. It's also inevitable that on every birthday I have, I always end up crying. This year I am proud

to say I cried from a happy place, from a positive place. I felt so loved, so surrounded by good people. I think this is also one of the first times in my life that I've just felt true peace, peace with who I am, peace with where I'm at, peace with the people around me. Once again, birthdays are such a point of reflection and I think back to where I was last year and the year before when I first moved to Sydney and I didn't have any friends and the year before that when I was celebrating my first birthday after being through like a horrific breakup and not having this person that I'd been around for two years and every point every year is just kind of a further opportunity to really see how far I've come but then also

how much is left in the future. So let's talk about this fear of aging. If you can relate, I'm sure there are many of you. Why does it feel so oppressive and scary sometimes to acknowledge that we're getting older? For me, I think it's that birthdays symbolize being closer to death. And it is very innate and natural as a human, as a mammal, as a species, to fear death, to fear. what that brings the unknown. Of course, there are many people who have different conceptions and different ideas of what comes afterwards. For me, I don't think I really have one. And so thinking about how each year represents less time to be alive, it also represents less time before the unknown. And that's seriously what I'm probably most scared of.

It's not that I'm scared of the added responsibility. I think it's not that I'm scared of growing up in the sense of giving up the younger versions of myself. There's a whole syndrome around that called Peter Pan syndrome, which basically talks about people who are like fight against growing older because they're scared of what it means to be an adult. Specifically, they're scared of losing joy and wonder and a lack of responsibility and a lack of accountability. That's a whole different episode, a whole different conversation. I don't think I necessarily have that.

I think I recognize how much of a privilege it is to get. older and what a privilege it is to age. And I've always said that I think about all my friends who are in their 30s and they genuinely just get, their lives just seem to get better. They get hotter. They get more successful. They have more money. They have more fun. They have more freedom, it seems to me. They really know themselves more. So I'm excited for that. I'm excited for my 30s. I'm excited for my 40s and my 50s. My mom seems like she's having an amazing time. Those new chapters are thrilling to me, and I think that there used to be such a sense of, like, your 20s are the best years of your life.

When those are done, what you, everything else is a wasteland, like there's nothing left afterwards. That is a massive misconception. Obviously, I talk about our 20s twice a week all the time, everywhere I go, but I really don't think that your life ends the moment you turn 30. There is a recognition that there is a lot of beauty and grace and excitement in aging, but it's that catch-22 of realizing that the more you grow into yourself, the more versions you have to say goodbye to, and the less time you have in front of you. I think it's that mortality alarm, that inbuilt mortality alarm that we all have, that we have as mammals, as a species

that realizes how fragile life is, that starts to really sound off and blare every, birthday because it's a significant kind of triggering event or like anniversary of acknowledgement of birth and death and how they're very like interlinked. I know that sounds very deeply philosophical, but I have honestly thought about this so much. I also think that another factor around this like fear of aging thing is that birthdays make us very conscious of time passing. When I was a kid, even a teenager, that used to really, really scare me because it felt like something I could not control, time, this like weird entity that none of us can really visualize. It was just slipping away from me and I wasn't able to do anything about it. And I would sit and I would spiral and I

would think about it and I would, I remember distinctly watching this bird at my window when I was in university fluttering. And every time it flooded from one side to the other, I was like, that's a second gone, that's another second gone, that's a second gone. Like, time is just rolling on and on and on and it feels like this freight train that's just going to destroy everything in its path and eventually it's going to destroy me. There's a lot of fear there. There's a lot of fear there, I think, from when I was a child and not feeling in control that still feels really relevant now.

And it is very claustrophobic in a sense to not feel like there is this big thing in your life. that dictates so much about your future, so much about what you can achieve, that you have no control over. Time is just existing and you just operate within it. If you get to kind of matter about it, it does get genuinely quite scary. It's also this sense of like every year I feel further and further detached from the memories and the periods in my life that I really cherish, specifically that feeling of being a child. And, Also the feeling of being a teenager and in my early 20s when I felt so chaotic and unbridled and free and just how absolutely like amazing that was, even if at the time it probably didn't feel that great.

It's this idea of like the rose-tinted lenses, right? Like we tend to look back at our memories more fondly than they actually were in the moment because I know as a child I really wanted to get older, I couldn't wait to have responsibility. and freedom, I know that I was going through a lot of hard things. I was being bullied. I know that when I was in my late teens, early 20s, I was heartbroken and unsure of who I was. But there is something about that time that I miss, that I really miss. And it is really overwhelming to realize that you're probably, you're not probably,

you're never going to get that back. You're never going to be a kid. again. That time is past. That chapter is closed and it brings on a massive nostalgia wave for me around this time. I don't know if you guys can relate. Every time, like I know that we've said birthdays are a time of reflection. That's pretty obvious. But it's also a really deep time of nostalgia for me, thinking about all the things that I did as a child and how joyous and free I was and whether I've given those things up the older I get, whether this younger version of me would be happy with where I am.

If it's not obvious, I'm very much stuck in, like, the romantic parts of the past rather than the reality of it. So that is, like, a massive component for me, feeling like I feel less attached to previous versions of me and recognizing that I can't go back, but then also recognizing that, like, what I'm doing right now, like, these years of my life are also going to be my golden years. and I really need to take advantage of them because in five years time, I'm going to be looking at what I'm doing right now and feeling the same way that I felt about my 20 year old self, 19 year old self, whatever she was doing. She was a mess. But she was also having a great time. And like, sometimes I think that I've kind of grown up too quickly in a sense and that I've forced myself into becoming like a real adult too soon. And I think that's because for many years,

years of my life. It was always like how I'm very mature for my age and people being like, oh, you're very wise, wise beyond your years. And I take that as like a massive compliment. Like I really appreciate when people say that, but I'm like, yeah, but some of my friends are still doing things that just seem so fun. Like they're still learning those lessons through mistakes that I feel like I haven't gotten to make or they're still going out and partying and just like getting obliterated. And like I'm not really down for that anymore. more. But when I turn 35, am I going to be like, geez, it's been 10 years since I last, like, went clubbing. Like, gosh, I'm such a granny. And I'm, like, not even halfway through

life yet. It's this constant, like, contemplation of, like, the what-ifs and wanting to avoid regret in every sense of the word. Regret in my friendships. Regret in my career. Regret in my life experiences. Because every year, I'm more conscious that you don't get that time back. So it feels so much more valuable to me, so much more precious. to be coveted, something to really, really ensure you take advantage of. I think we did speak about this before, but it is, I think, what drives our fear of aging is the fear of the unknown. Not just in terms of death, because fear of death, I think, is a complete different subject. I think everyone in some sense has a fear of death and what comes afterwards. But the fear of the

unknown more so in terms of the fear of the future. I have built my like entire career at this stage of my life off of being 20. Oh, in my 20s. Like this podcast is called the psychology of your 20s. And people always ask me, oh like, so when you turn 30, you're going to do the psychology of your 30s? And I'm like, I don't fucking know. Oh my gosh. Like I'm so, I'm just trying to get through this. Like, should I do that? Will I be like ready for something different by then? like, is it any different? Like, people always message me and are like, I'm not in my 20s anymore, but this is like still the exact same kind of stuff that I'm going through.

But yeah, really, it puts into perspective that like I realistically only have like six more years to take advantage of these experiences before I turned 30. And is my whole life going to be like the girl who talks about her 20s even when she's not in them? I don't know whether that's what I want. But I also know that I'm just borrowing fear from the future, right? Like I always think about this when we worry about the future. We're just borrowing anxiety from that chapter in our life that we're still going to feel then.

You're just feeling that same pattern of fear and those same emotions twice. Like you don't need to worry as much about what's going to happen because it will just happen. Like part of anxiety is really just feeling like you can change things and feel. like you can almost anxiety is a motivated to do something about what you're scared about but the thing that I want to do something about is not something necessarily in my control right like some factors are but it's the future it's this like big cloud big storm of factors and things and events and just complete curveballs that like we can't necessarily interpret or predict so whilst I'm also facing that sense of like what does my

future hold. Like, what am I going to be doing in 10 years? What should I be doing now to prepare for that future that I want? Prepare for the life that I want. It also feels like time is equally running out to achieve some of the big things that I wanted to do by this age. I always think about the Sylvia Plath fig tree analogy. So if you've heard of it before, I'm sorry you're going to hear it again, but I think it's one of the most beautiful things anybody has ever said, so hopefully that's not too much of a disappointment. But in her very famous book, The Bell Jar, I feel like every girl in their 20s has read this book,

or should read this book, she talks about this analogy or this vision of herself, sitting underneath a fig tree. And above her is this brilliant, beautiful, magnificent tree with sprawling branches and it goes on for metres and meters and at the end of every branch, every little tip, is a fig, is this big, rich fig. And the figs represent our futures. They represent the future versions of us that we could have if we choose a certain path.

And so, like, in her mind, one fig is like marriage and a family and children are being a stay-at-home mother. Another figure is being a professor at a big famous university. another one is being like a nomad, a traveller, and then another one is becoming really fit in being an athlete, someone who runs triathlons. Like there are so many different futures that we can choose from. But every year, every month, every week that we don't choose one of those futures, they die out. There are some things that unfortunately, like you can't, like, you have a, it's like a prime time to do them. In a sense, I think about it.

a lot in terms of like sport but also as we get older like having children is a big one as well it's the reality of being a woman is that there is a natural time limit to your ability to be a mom or to be a parent and she talks about how each year it feels like more and more of these figs are falling and there are less and less options available to her but she just cannot choose she cannot see from the outside of the fig which one is going to taste the best she wants to taste them all, but she can only climb one branch at a time. And I think that's really, really relevant here when we talk about our fear of growing older and our fear of time passing and our fear of birth taste more generally is that they represent to us the figs dying off.

They represent to us certain doors that we feel are closing with age. Now, I have this battle in my brain because I don't necessarily think that that's true. Obviously for some things it is. I'm sorry, you're not going to be like an Olympic gymnast if you start at 30. I'm sorry, sorry to say that. Hopefully you already knew that. But in some senses, like, it is true, but for very minor, minor choices. Most things, I don't think, have an age limit on them. Most things are available. You have so much capacity for change, so much capacity and agency. to get to a point where you're like, I actually don't like how this looks. I don't like how my life feels, how I feel in it and in the timelines and the stories and the

plot and the relationships that define my life, I'm going to change. That is something that I think we lose sight of the older we get because we get more stuck in our ways. We get more comfortable with the reality that we've created that we forget that if we are unhappy, we can actually do something about it. But we maintain that irrational sense of like feeling stuck in the lives we've created for ourselves. That is why each year we just feel more scared. And each year, as the time passes, you're like, oh my God, like there's so much to do because I've let myself feel uncomfortable in

my life for too long. I don't know. Maybe that is just an experience for me. Maybe you listening to that and you're like, what is she talking about? That makes absolutely no sense. Totally get it. That's fine. It doesn't have my feelings. It's just me rambling on about what I'm thinking about. But the final factor that I think really comes into play, especially when we talk about this from a more like psychological and social point of view, is that our society doesn't like old people. It just doesn't. It doesn't like signs of aging. It doesn't like the idea of getting old, of being elderly. If you think about it, there are so many ways in which we are taught that to be young and youthful is like the secret ingredient to being happy and being successful. The amount of

ads I started getting when I turned 24, like I'm not even that old, but when I turn 24, Botox ads everywhere. Like, absolutely not. Not for me at least. Like, it was almost like these apps knew that this was like a turning point where people start thinking about how they're going to look when they're older and wanting to prevent some of the signs of aging that we find unattractive and unappealing when really it's such a privilege and a beautiful thing to be able to grow older. So many people don't get

that opportunity. But we really don't have such a positive culture around respecting the elder members of our society. There's so many tropes about, you know, older people being lonely, and older people being sad, and older people losing all their cognitive debility and their physical health is declining, and their mental health and their emotional health and their cognitive capacities are all going downhill. It's like you reach this point in your 50s and then after that point you're suddenly an old person and society doesn't care about you anymore. Not as much as it cares about young people and so you have this like innate sense of prejudice towards a future version of yourself, towards the elderly version of yourself because you realize

how people in our society who are that age and who are older are treated. there is just so much stigma around it. And then alongside that, there's this fear of like, what does old age bring in terms of my health? That's something that I've been thinking about a lot. I posted on Instagram the other day about this documentary I watched on Netflix. Life-changing, amazing, wonderful. It was called You Are What You Are What You Eat, a twin experiment.

I love anything that's a twin experiment because it's so, like, experimentally rigorous and like scientifically rigorous. Besides the point, this documentary basically looked at how different diets affect people's health outcomes, things like their, what's it called, like their biological age and cardiovascular health, so many different things. And the reason I was so fascinated by it is because I think when I was in my early 20s and late teens, when I was at uni and then the first few years I lived in Sydney as well, I really treated my body like absolute crap. I was, I'm also in like a dietary sense. Like I wasn't eating junk food all the time, but I certainly wasn't thinking about how much sleep I needed. I wasn't thinking

about how much calcium I should be consuming. That's probably good to stretch after going for a 10k run so you don't get like long-term muscle damage like we are so blessed in our 20s and when we're young to just like take our health for granted and it's something that I'm starting to realize is like okay yeah I am going to get older and time isn't promised and people do die from things in which they haven't taken care of their health and in this documentary they talk about a lot about how like a plant based by plant based oh why is that such a tongue twister a plant based diet it is so much better for you. And I was like, okay, I'm 24 now.

I better become a vegetarian. Like, I've got to do it. I've got to start taking my vitamins and my minerals. I've got to start, you know, really taking care of myself so that I can ensure I'm here for as long as possible. And something that really triggered it was actually going away with my parents and my sisters and my boyfriend to Japan over the summer slash winter if you're up north.

up north, yeah, up north, was that I was just like, I really love these people and I want to be around them for as long as possible and I don't want something to happen. I don't want to reach a point where I realized that I could have changed how my body aged and I could have changed how my grew up so that it gave me more time with them and more years to be someone's sister, to be someone's mother, to be someone's wife, to be someone's friend. Once again, it's this very existential, dark understanding that like time on this planet, time alive is not promised, is finite, and you kind of have to fight for it at some stage. Like as you get older, health complications are going to come up and that's,

really scary to me as someone who has always, firstly, always had health anxiety. If you've listened to our health anxiety episode, I don't think it's going to come as a surprise that I'm worrying about this, but always had healthy anxiety and always actually been in relatively good health, like I've taken it for granted. Um, and so it's just like this year I've really been like, oh, it's time to take that seriously. It's time to really take my life seriously. I don't know. I'm hoping that like someone out there can relate to this sense of like getting older and getting frustrated by the fact that you don't have control over time. Scared of the things that you might be missing, scared of the things that you might be forgetting

to do, the opportunities that you're giving up, the lives that you said no to to live a different one. It's just like very much on my mind. And yeah, I keep reminding myself that 24 really isn't that old. And I'm very lucky because I have a lot of friends who are older. A lot of friends who are like in their 30s, even in their 40s, like one of my best friends. Erica is in her 30s and I get along with her so well and I love the kind of life that she leads. Like all those myths that people have around like your 20s being the best years of your life.

And like you need to go traveling in your 20s. You need to like try as many different careers in your 20s. Like don't settle down in your 20s. she has just like done everything to the opposite of that and it looks freaking amazing like she's having so much fun and she has just like done the things that she knows are going to make her happy even if they're a little bit hard in the moment and i think it's those examples of people who make you not scared to be their age that are really like helpful in those times when you're like paralyzed by the fact that you are getting older and there is nothing that you can do about

it. So hopefully if you're listening to this, you have like somewhat related. I will say and I want to end this episode and this ramble really by just saying 23 was one of the best years of my life. And I'm so excited for 24. I'm excited for 25. I'm excited for the rest of my 20s and the different chapters contained in them. But honestly, I cannot think you guys enough, the listeners of this podcast from how amazing the last year was. There was just so many milestones, so many things to celebrate, so many new members of this community, and so much just love. I just, and sometimes when you, when I'm making this podcast, I'm alone in a room talking to myself. And I forget that there are other people listening to this right now, like on the other side, who I don't know, but who listen to

my voice and who really learn something from me or take something from these episodes. And it's so nice to hear that from you guys. And it really assures me that I'm doing something that has purpose and that is useful and that helps people. And I don't know if even if everything else in my 20s goes to shit, at least I can say that like I have the opportunity to do this. So I know this conversation has been quite pessimistic. I want to end from a place of gratitude and from a place of just like absolute acknowledgement of how privileged and happy and lucky and amazing my life is. And a lot of that is thanks to the support for this show. I'm so glad that I'm one year further in my 20s.

There's, I'm sure, so many more experiences left to talk about. And I'm so excited to learn from them. I'm so excited to see what happens. If you've also had this feeling of like being scared of growing older, of aging. Shoot me a message. I would like to hear from your experience what you kind of did to counteract that or what you think some of the triggers were, like why that was the case. There's so much other research on this that I didn't get to go through. So maybe next year we'll do a replay and I'll talk to you about being 25 when I'm actually having a very serious quarter-life crisis.

But until that time comes, I want to thank you for listening. If there's someone who you think would enjoy this episode, make sure you share it with them. Thank you for all the love and support. If you have an episode suggestion, feedback, questions, whatever it is. Feel free to message me over on Instagram at That Psychology Podcast. I'm another year older. I'm feeling very lucky. Thank you for following me on this journey. We will be back next week with another episode. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the signs of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.

Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO% on the IHeart Radio app, Apple. podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. On The Look Back at it podcast. In 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English.

Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to Look Back at it on the I Heart Radio app. Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host, Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor.

It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice in so much. I doctored the test ones.

It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian. Michael Mancini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police.

As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast. Guaranteed human.