The Psychology of your 20s - 175. Living alone in your 20s

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

This week we are discussing the ups and downs of living alone in your 20s: from the freedom and independence, to the loneliness and social isolation, financial anxiety and stress, but the authenticity and emotional maturity that comes with it. We talk about:  Why being alone doesn't make you lonely Sliders versus deciders - why you should wait before moving in with a partner Cognitive distortions and overspending  Lifestyle creep  Habits for building social connection and community How to successfully live alone  All that and more, listen now!    Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow The Psychology of your 20s on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast     See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Owens, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian. Michael Mancini.

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Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. I am so glad you are here back for another episode as we break down the psychology of our 20s. today we are going to talk about quite a special 20-something experience one i think a lot of us perhaps are looking forward to maybe even fantasize about or perhaps it is your reality right now this is your current situation you're looking for some tips and a better understanding of the psychological experience that you're going through what are we talking about well we're talking about living alone in our 20s i think about 5 to 10 percent of 20s something year olds live alone and that is the highest in the population except for people over 60 who

often do so in the wake of a divorce or a separation or a death whereas people in their 20s are actively choosing this kind of lifestyle it's really a bit of a right of passage to say that you lived alone to have that experience of being completely responsible for your house to your space your life. It feels very adult. So beyond the days of living with family or friends. And it's also really scary. There are a lot of other factors that come into it. Loneliness, financial anxiety. It's strange really to be in your 20s and you still in many ways feel somewhat like a child. But when you transition to living alone, it is this very distinct sense of like, oh, this is the moment when I became an adult. Now I have to pay rent. Now I have to decide what to eat for dinner every night.

Whether the house gets cleaned or not, that's on you. And it's this level of responsibility, but also independence, that feels very serious and very sacred. I think living alone in your 20s is so much more than just getting to decorate your own space or recharging on your own, playing your music as light as you want. It is this very privileged journey that also contains a lot of psychological growth and answering a lot of core questions about who you are. Like how much social connection do I really need? What are the fears that I'm going to have to face when I'm not constantly surrounded by people? How am I going to pay all of my bills? Like everything in life, every decision we make, there are pros and cons. And I think underneath it,

there's even more psychology that is influencing our decision and our experience. And when it comes to living alone in your 20s, that is also the case. So that's what we're going to talk about today. Why, like, what are some of the things that people worry about? What are some of the concerns? But also what does psychology and some research have to say about many of the benefits? and how to successfully embrace the solitude of living alone so that you don't feel isolated, so that you don't feel overwhelmed, so that you don't feel, I guess, lonely. That's basically the agenda for today's episode. Now, this is coming at an amazing time for me.

Obviously, I pick the episode topics. So it's no coincidence that we're talking about this week because I draw so much inspiration for this podcast on my own own. life as someone who is right in the middle of their 20s. I have recently just moved into my own place after about almost eight years of living in uni accommodation and sharehouses. It has been the most liberating but also scary transition because it is this complete shift from always having someone around, someone to talk to, to being basically alone for like 70, 80% of the day. And especially because I work for myself and I work from home, I don't have the typical work

schedule, specifically like I don't have an office to go into every day. I don't have a regular work routine, regular exposure to colleagues and the same people. And that was a big source of fear for me in making this decision. I think the nature of working for yourself and then also living by yourself is that you're kind of denying yourself a great deal of incidental social interaction that most people would get from their nine to fives or their roommates. So I'm also someone who is very extroverted, which I know means I need a great deal more social interaction. You know, being an extroverted individual, I draw energy from others rather than from solitude. And it was definitely something I found

difficult both when I moved to Sydney and when I quit my full-time job last year. So I was not naive about the challenges and also my particular sensitivity to loneliness. I'm going to put it that way. However, I also knew at the time when I was making this decision that A, I needed the space, I needed more room because I was working, living, doing everything out of one tiny room in my old house and it was kind of beginning to blur the lines of like leisure and like sleeping and then like work time and also I wanted the freedom to do what I wanted with my own space keep it as clean or unclean as I wanted and more importantly it was that sensitivity and fear of loneliness that was actually both a consequence and somewhat of a benefit or an allure or a challenge for me for so long

probably since I was a child, I've had this intense dread about feeling lonely, not even about being lonely, and not even about being alone, but feeling lonely. And it's one of the things I fear most in the world to the point where it's highly irrational. It's probably more like a phobia, like autophobia. And it's kept me from doing a lot of things that I've wanted to do in my life. It's really paralyzed me at times. It's caused me to you bad friendships, stay in terrible relationships, say no to opportunities because I was terrified of what it would mean to be lonely in a new place, what that would mean for my mental well-being. And I think I'd had it in my mind that I wanted to live alone for a while. But the one thing that

was kind of standing in my way was, am I going to feel lonely? And I didn't want my fear of loneliness to prevent me from entering this next chapter, from entering this next chapter very much willingly. I had like a conversation with my boyfriend about this at the start of the year where we were basically like, do we just move in together? Because both our circumstances were changing. It just kind of seemed like the natural thing to do. But personally, I knew that I needed to have the experience of living alone for a year before living with him because, it was going to be this like perfect exposure therapy to solitude and getting comfortable in my own company and the silence that comes with it. I didn't want to, you know, move from living with

my parents to living with roommates to living with my boyfriend and never have experienced the space and the time to just be alone and what that experience would constitute and bring. I think if I was just to move in with him, which I definitely want to do in the future, I would just be using him as a crutch to avoid a very lifelong fear of mine. Also, when it comes to moving in with a partner, there is this really fascinating research paper from 2013 that just kept going over and over in my mind about the difference between sliders and deciders in relationships. So many couples slide into, rather than decide, these big decisions, these important life transitions, they slide into moving in together, they slide into getting

engaged, they slide into having kids. And what that means is that instead of making a conscious decision to do something, they do what is most convenient and what just seems like the next step rather than what might be best for their relationship. So using the example of moving in, this incredible article by psychology today talks about it like this. You know, it all starts with having a few pieces of clothes at your partner's place. We all have those, you know, a little drawer. That's next. Then you start staying over a few nights a week and then, you know, it's kind of more like five to six days. All your stuff is at there. house, you've got the dedicated drawer in the bedroom and the bathroom, and before realizing it,

and without actually having a thoughtful discussion, you basically ended up living together. And when someone's lease is up for renewal, it just kind of seems easiest to just officially move in together. Even though at no point have you made a conscious decision, you've slided, you've slid into this reality, you've slid into this present choice that you're making. Now, sometimes this is the best decision, and I'm sure me and my partner would be fine if we live together because we've had serious discussions about it. We know that we want to do it. But often the easiest decision is the one that requires the least deliberate and conscious choice. And that was the case with moving in together.

It would be easiest because we would save on rent because we already basically lived together, all of these things. But I didn't want to kind of wake up in five years and be like, hey, like, did we actually? actually choose our relationship? Do we actually choose our current reality? Or was it just a whole bunch of easy choices? And this can lead to what the authors of this paper call relationship inertia or insecurity, whereby because you've made all these easy decisions without thinking about them, you're suddenly at a point where you're in too deep and you feel like you can't start again. Once you live together, well you may as well get a pet. And once you have a pet, well, don't most people, you know, get engaged and then they have a wedding and then they have kids.

Suddenly you're at this point where you've never really made a conscious decision when it comes to these big life choices and decisions. And that was like a huge thing that was going on in my brain when I was making the decision to live alone was like, I really want my relationship to last. And so this living by myself, although it doesn't feel like our relationship is speeding up, it's probably going to give it more room to grow into the future because it's going to allow me to be my own person independently in this moment, in this time when I want to have more kind of experiences and moments of solitude. And it's going to mean that when we are ready to move in together,

we are like fully ready. We're fully committed to the idea. So living alone actually worked out well. My boyfriend was actually able to move into my old place, which is just like the best. coincidence. There are some other factors that motivated me, and I'm sure others to want to live alone in their 20s as well. The biggest one is freedom. You're at this point where the things that you used to feel very nonchalon about, like your sleep schedule, your routine, the messiness of your living environment, even the temperature of your house, the noise, all of those things now suddenly feel very important. I think that is a big transition in our mid-20s in particular, that shift from being very chaotic and easygoing and accepting of these things and, you know,

not really having any non-negotiables when it comes to our living space to being very serious about them and recognizing their importance for our mental well-being and no longer willing to make compromises in a shared living situation. When I was 19 living at uni, I didn't care if I went to bed at 10 p.m. or 2 a.m. I didn't care if someone's music was keeping me up. I didn't care if my kitchen was a mess. Now, though, I cannot imagine getting less than eight hours sleep. I don't want to live in filth because I have stuff to do and I want to be my best for that and that means having more control over my living environment. And this really highlights the importance of agency in controlling our environment, especially when it comes to our mental well-being. Your home is your place of comfort and

security. It fulfills a very deep psychological need we have for safety and belonging. When that is compromised by people who also share that environment and don't have the same values, don't respect your space, don't respect your boundaries, maybe your living styles are just not aligned. That can be really difficult and honestly very stressful. We actually talked about this in our episode on roommates and share houses, but when you don't feel like you can relax or do what you need to do in your home, it is a huge cumulative stress factor. It means you begin to become very avoidant of your living environment. You don't want to go home. You don't want to use the communal spaces. And that creates a lot of stress, a huge cortisol spike, because you never actually have the opportunity

or the space to relax. It puts a strain on your relationship. It puts a strain on your health amongst so many other things. So I don't think it's a surprise when we hear people say, you know, the reason I live alone is I just didn't want to live with roommates anymore. I was done sharing a space, even if it costs me more. There's also the fact that when you live with other people, the responsibility to maintain a house is diffused across a number of people, sometimes two, sometimes even four or five.

That diffusion creates a bit of a morality crisis. where no one wants to do the chores because they know that no one else is going to do them. And so why would they do them if no one else is going to do them? But then everyone has that belief. It's called the tragedy of the commons whereby when we have this common space, this shared asset like a home, like a living environment, everyone benefits from using it more and from, you know, keeping it clean, but no one wants to be the first one to do so.

So I think that after a while you get pretty fed up with that being the case and it's time to, you know, pursue an environment where you are the only one who benefits and the only one who has to contribute. Now, there was another thing that I said here that I think is important and that is you're prepared to do that even if it costs you more. There is something to consider in that and that is the contribution of the contribution of, feeling financially secure in our decision to live alone. If you've had a big income increase, one of the main ways you want to spend that money is where you spend your time, i.e. your home, your living environment. And with increased financial freedom, we might be more persuaded by kind of the luxury of having our own space. And it is definitely a luxury in this day and age.

Cost of living is no joke. I think I was going to inspections for one-bedroom apartments that were in, you know, almost unlivable, and they were upwards of $3,000 a month. And then, you know, you don't even get that because people often offer more because there are such a shortage of viable properties in so many cities around the world. And I think that we have to be careful in those situations where, of course, we are willing to make the decision consciously that we are going to pay more to have the luxury and the benefit and the liberation and the freedom of living by ourselves. but slowly what we see is ourselves pushing up that budget by $10, $20, $50,

and trying to find ways to justify that because we are so enamored by the idea of having our own space and having all that freedom that we don't actually consciously or deliberately think about how much money we are really spending. And that raises an important experience, an idea that I see a lot amongst fellow people in their 20s, It's this idea known as a lifestyle creep, which we are seeing more and more of, especially due to increasing inflation. So lifestyle creep is this common pattern of spending more money as you earn more money, but actually spending more proportionately on things that you don't really need.

Now, I am not a finance expert, although I do actually have an economic story, which is a little known fact. And when I was studying economics, there was so many applications. to psychology. And one of those applications is these cognitive biases that cause us to spend more money than we actually want to. It's like this set of illusions that makes us feel more comfortable with spending money that if someone walked up to you on the street and said, give me $1,000, you're not going to give them $1,000. But you would happily give away $1,000 for something that you really want, even if it doesn't bring you the same level of happiness as it would to do something else with that money. That is an example of an illusion that creates overspending. And lifestyle

creep is a combination of those illusions, including a restraint bias, having more and therefore wanting more and spending more. Also the overconfidence bias, whereby once you start making a certain amount of money, you think you'll always be able to make that same amount or even more. And that causes you to start spending based on what you believe your future income is going to be, not what you currently have. Lifestyle creep, it typically occurs after someone, you know, gets a raise or you get a new job with a higher income, you pay off some debt. We see more money in our bank account and we spend it, especially on discretionary items. And that seems very natural, right? But lifestyle creep is also known as silent inflation. A hundred thousand dollars now is not the same as

$100,000 five years ago. It is still a lot of money. But when we first start working, perhaps that was five years ago, four years ago, we normally had the expenses that we had during uni. So our income felt very proportionate to what we wanted to spend money on. As our income is slowly increased, as has how many nicer products we get, name brand products we get. And because of an increased cost of living as well, when we started working, perhaps our career goal was to make it to 100K. That does not have the same buying. And power as it did five, six, seven years ago. So we're actually spending from a place of delusion, spending from a place of cognitive bias and not clearly seeing how we're spending money.

Another illusion of this kind is known as the present bias, which means exactly what it sounds like. Many people make spending decisions based on the present without thinking of the future. they only want to fulfill their current urge or desire. In this case, you might be really invested in the idea of living alone, of having your own space, even if it means that you might jeopardize your long-term ability to save by spending more on rent than you are actually prepared to do, or it might mean that, you know, you're so invested in this idea of having this experience of living alone, that you don't realize that you can really only afford it for a year before you have to go back to share.

a house. That can get us in some trouble, but ultimately if you follow the rule that your rent should not be more than a third of your income, I always like to stick to a quarter just to be safe, then you should be okay. I think it's very easy to get wrapped up in the romantic version of what living alone could be, you know, could look like for us. I'm definitely someone who got very wrapped up in that idea before I did it, especially when we see so many depictions in TV shows and movies. Carrie Bradshaw from Saxon City is the prime example. Also people online who just seem to be absolutely living the dream. It's easy to get carried away in that, but I also think we need to be quite skeptical.

So I want to talk about some of the potential downsides slash factors for your consideration and also some of the solutions to those factors and those problems after this short break. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry.

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Open your free, our heart radio app, Search learn the hard way and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in someone, correct? I doctored the test once. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case.

I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, the lesbian, Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap.

Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until Justice. served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Whilst I was applying for places to live, which was a nightmare in itself, just given the general

lack of housing, affordability and security in major cities, whilst I was doing that, though, the main thing, things, plural that people asked me about were, aren't you scared you'll get lonely, how are you going to afford this and aren't you scared? What about personal security? What if someone breaks in? There's no one to help you. These all get to our major fears about living alone, real or perceived. And what it is, what it comes down to is security, having enough of what we need when we want it, whether that's social interaction, money or safety, feeling like we are able to fulfill our very basic desires and like kind of basic needs. Like we need a level of social interaction. We need a level of money to survive. We need a level of security to sleep well at night.

The first one I think is the one that most people think of or are scared of, which is what the solitude of living alone might bring. We need social connection. I think that's especially the case in our 20s when so many of our lifelong social bonds are full. we are so used to being surrounded by people, or at least seeing depictions of this being the case. Social isolation and loneliness pose risks to health and well-being. We know that very well. And some studies even suggest it can be as life-limiting as behaviors like smoking. We have evolved to be creatures who need community in order to exist, survive and thrive.

So when we don't have easy access to that, it can bleed into all other areas of our lives. I think equally, each of us has a different threshold for the level of daily, maybe weekly, interaction that we need. That threshold is highly subjective and it's determined by a number of factors including extroversion versus introversion, but also what you're used to, your baseline level or need for interaction. I am someone who has a high threshold that I need to meet to feel satisfied, meaning that I understand, and I understood before I moved into my own place,

that I was going to need to see people at least like four to five times a week. If you are moving from a huge community of friends in a big sharehouse where you all get along and do everything together, your base on your threshold is going to be really high and it's going to be really disturbed by a move like moving into a place, an apartment on the other side of town. And the effects of that are going to be more drastic than someone who is living alone in the same neighborhood as their friends or who maybe went from living

with just one roommate who they weren't really close to to living alone. It's all really based on your circumstances. However, I think it's a big misconception that being by yourself means that you are inherently lonely just because social interaction isn't as convenient to you. Community doesn't need to exist all in the same place or space to be fulfilling. One of the major things I considered when moving into my own place was whether I had the community to sustain this decision, whether I was comfortable enough in my friendships, that I knew they could support me through what would be maybe a difficult adjustment period. Given that I wasn't, you know, best of friends with my old roommates as lovely as they are, and that all my close friends were already, like,

beyond my home environment, I felt more comfortable making this choice. many people who live alone are not socially isolated or lonely. In fact, people who live alone across all ages are actually typically more connected to other people. That's what one sociologist, his name is Aaron Kleinberg. He discovered this. He was doing a lot of research into this for his book, Going Solo, trying to dispel the idea that living alone meant that you were lonely. And what he realized is that people who live by themselves have an incentive to be

deliberate about when they see people, the frequency and the quality of those interactions. That means they get more out of the times they do see people and they're actually energized by those situations rather than having these like incidental run-ins with people in their house, seeing the same people all the time and those interactions not necessarily being completely fulfilling, not giving us a lot of energy, but they're just there, right? I imagine this of like I'll use the roommate example again. You know, you might feel like you're seeing people more because you are seeing people more frequently. You're running into them in the kitchen. You're watching a movie together. You're going to the grocery store. But the quality of those interactions might not be as

good as if every second night you went and had like quality, serious quality time with a friend of yours. One challenge though is to actually give yourself the time to be alone. We often face a lot of pressure to constantly on and to be really filling our time with social activities when we live alone, to always have external stimuli. But embracing moments of solitude is important. Otherwise, you're not going to see the benefits of this decision. You still need to recharge your batteries, to tap into your creativity, to sit with yourself as much as you would need to do if you lived with other people. I think our basis for believing we will feel lonely if we live alone comes from a lot of studies on people who perhaps are a lot older than their 20s or on people who didn't feel like they

had a choice in living alone. Maybe they had to move into their own place after a breakup or an unexpected divorce or death. When we go and look at studies that actually take into account people's preferences for their living environment, whether they want to live alone or with other people, and they match those preferences to their reality, we see something very different. We see that in particular, people who are living alone because they want to live alone, and very different from those who are living alone reluctantly. They are a lot happier, they see a lot more of the mental health and emotional health benefits compared to someone who feels like they're living.

living alone because they don't have a choice. I also think, actually I know from personal experience that one big myth we have about loneliness is that it's something that happens to us and we have no control over it. I think that's also incorrect. We have a lot more control over our experience of loneliness whether we fear it or run towards it than we think. And people who live alone often have a better relationship with that feeling because they understand, firstly, that it's something you have to get comfortable with, that sometimes it's unavoidable, and secondly, that loneliness is nothing more than a signal to reach out and connect. The same way hunger tells us to eat or thirst tells us to drink. People who live alone know it's true meaning. They know that it's just a messenger, and therefore

they initiate more protective actions like making weekly plans, joining a social, sport team compared to those who may have inbuilt company. It doesn't mean it doesn't get lonely at times. The first night I spent alone in my new place, I was super anxious and felt super odd and super strange, but everything is a trade-off. Sometimes you have to lose something to gain something better and I think that applies to everything in life, not just our living environment. You might lose convenience and a certain baseline level of social interaction.

and run-ins that you're used to, but you also gain a lot of freedom and independence. It's about recognizing which of those things is more important to you, which of them you value. It also means that you're going to have people over whenever you want for as long as you want. They can have a sleep over. No one, you don't need to get anyone's permission. It actually might even make seeing your friends easier because you can do it in the environment that you want to do it in without having to ask other people. I also think that in that solitude, even when you don't have people around, you get to me more authentic, more responsible, more conscientious, perhaps even more feeling, more in touch with your emotions because there are less distractions that you can go and seek out.

So now that we've dispelled some of the fears, talked about some of the, perhaps downside, some of the things that we've been told to be wary of when it comes to living alone, I actually want to give you some final tips for doing this successfully. how can we successfully embrace solitude, embrace like the absolute luxury and privilege of getting our own space, of having this freedom, of having this independence, of having this, you know, time and this moment to unwind, to really learn ourselves better. Some of these tips are psychological, but they're also practical because that is the balance we always like to strike. And I've gotten these from other people that I know who've been doing this a lot longer than I have, but also just from my recent experience and what I found has been helping when I felt lonely, when I felt a little bit scared, when I felt a little bit overwhelmed.

Firstly, create a routine. Having a daily routine can provide structure and stability, and that reduces feelings of uncertainty. Uncertainty is a big source of stress, especially when you're in a transitionary period of having just moved in. Everything else feels new and sometimes you need something to feel consistent. You need something to commit yourself to so that you don't just feel wrapped up in a lot of the fear. It could be a weekly routine, not even a daily routine, one that, you know, hopefully involves something social like Mondays I go to run club, Tuesdays are my chill day, Wednesday I make plans to see a friend, etc., etc. So you're not stressed about being forced to be alone or being forced to feel bored when you don't have to because

you know that you have some structure to your days, some structure to your weeks. Secondly, and this is probably my favorite tip, build community in as many ways as possible, even if it feels small. I think we often think of community as having a huge network of friends that we call on every single day, but actually going to the same grocery store, going to the same gym class, the same time, each week, the same cafe, introducing yourself to your neighbours. Those are important social touch points that are really valuable and protective and provide that necessary sense of belonging, even if you don't have a large network of friends. Even if you are in a huge city, it's nice to feel seen, to feel like you exist, even if you aren't seeing people as much

as you'd like. And it just, honestly, it's such a positive experience to be able to be like, oh, have your neighbor's number, text them for a cup of sugar, go and knock on their door to tell them you're having people over, invite them for a wine. It actually was a huge part of my, when I first moved to Sydney, was being super friendly with my neighbors. And they were so, so lovely. And it was so nice to sometimes be walking back from the train after a really long day

at work, feeling like I didn't belong. and just there's someone there who knows who you are who's going to wave high to you while they're going up the street. I also think be open with your friends when you are feeling lonely. I think we tend to feel a lot of embarrassment and shame and that prevents us from putting a label on this feeling and acknowledging it to others around us. It's interesting that when you are the first one to open the door and say, hey, I've been feeling super lonely, I've been feeling super off, I really want to connect. How many people are going to say the exact same thing. How many people are going to be like, oh my gosh, I've been feeling the same way. I can't believe that we've both just been existing in these

isolated little bubbles and like not reaching out. It's actually really nice, I think, to have these really, I think, dark and sad feelings of loneliness and then to feel seen in them and to bond with someone over the fact that you're both going through a very similar emotional state. From that conversation, you can make plans to see each other regularly. You can start to build that network. I do honestly think that people really value honesty and they value candor when it comes to these kind of things that we're normally taught to hide. So I think it's not just about being social.

It's not just about always having plans because we don't want to overcomit ourselves. It's about just being honest with the people around you when you just want to talk more. You want to text more throughout the day. you just want to be in contact more often. I'd also say find ways to cherish this time and cherish this silence. I always think about how one day I want to be married, I want to have kids and there will be a moment when I will probably wish for more days alone by myself in my own space doing exactly what I want.

And that time that I'm wishing for in the future is right now. This is the moment and that future projection of me keeps me more grateful for the present, knowing that there might be one day where all I'll ask for is to come back. This one's a lot more psychological, but it's also important to make your space your own and to make it feel cozy and a place that you actually want to be in. Our living environment and our mental health are intrinsically related. That's something that we don't talk about a lot in the psychology and kind of self-help mental wellness space. Cluttered spaces can create feelings of being overwhelmed.

and anxiety whilst tidy spaces invoke a sense of calm. Having colors and objects in your environment that are meaningful, that are bright, that can really boost your mood. Even things like lighting, temperature, sound, smells, the color palette again, those are all really important factors to make you feel comfortable, relaxed, and to feel almost safe. You know, harsh lighting, loud noises that leads to a lot of anxiety or agitation. you know, dark and cold spaces can make you feel unmotivated or miserable. It's why I think people like myself really like the idea of having a lot of warm light

in your living space, filling it with rugs, things that are going to be creature comforts for you that are going to make you want to come home, make you want to relax, make you want to enjoy this solitary space that you've created that is all for you. finally let's talk again about financial insecurity and financial anxiety because it is a huge factor especially when you have like a massive transition from maybe paying a lot less rent to a lot more rent those first early weeks we have to buy the fridge you have to buy the washing machine you have to buy all new furniture it is a huge shift it's a huge change don't fall into the pattern of avoidance in response to feeling like your finances are out of control.

Avoidance is an unconscious defense mechanism that our brain adopts when it isn't ready to engage or acknowledge a difficult situation or feeling. Even though we know in our rational minds, by looking away, it's probably going to get worse. That is a huge sign that you might be experiencing financial anxiety if you are refusing to open your bills when you get them. If you are refusing to pay them on time, refusing to pay certain debts off because you don't want to see the money leave your account. Another sign of financial anxiety is rigidity, compulsively budgeting, needing to know where every dollar is going, whether you can get a better bang for your buck to the point where you don't actually buy things you need,

like food, or you won't use the heater or the aircon, even when you desperately need it. This, This compulsive rigidity and obsessiveness is probably a sign that your worries are serious concerns and really infiltrating other parts of your life. You may value the freedom of living alone, but I don't think it's freedom if you're depriving yourself of your basic needs. There is no shame in reassessing your finances and realizing that the lifestyle you currently have might not be one that you can afford right now, just at this moment, maybe in the future, but right now you might need to make a bit of a shift.

There is no shame in that. There is no shame in going back to your former living situation. I know it can feel a lot easier to just put your head in the sand, but being honest with yourself about your financial situation is so important when you make the decision to live alone. Personally, some things that have worked for me is that I only ever use a debit card to make those big purchases. so I'm always aware of what money I can spend and I don't have to deal with credit card bills.

I have a budget that is realistic and not too strict. I found that this works because if I do go over it, which sometimes I do, very rarely, if I go over it, I don't suddenly feel like, well, okay, I've gone over it. Now I can just spend whenever I want. When I have a budget that is too stringent and too strict that is too confining, perhaps too harsh, It's so much easier to spend more and so much easier to then throw all ideas of like financial responsibility out the window because you've already failed at keeping the budget for that week. So make sure that you are actually realistic about what you want to spend money on,

what you need to spend money on and then what you desire to spend your money on. I also pay my rent from a high interest account. Every time I get paid, I put as much rent for my future as I can into that account. even if it's just two weeks, normally I like to do a whole month, and I cannot touch that money. It's this nice chunk that sits in this high interest account and accrues interest to put towards bills and things like that. Also, you just don't even realize how much that kind of builds up. I think you can make like 20, 50, 100 bucks from some of those accounts, obviously do your own research. Please do not just go out and do that if it's not what's best for you, but that was advice

that my mom gave me when I first moved out way back when and it's really stuck with me. Here's another fun tip. If you are buying new furniture, places like IKEA and some other big furniture stores, 90% of the time, someone is selling that exact thing that you want on Facebook marketplace. And maybe you'll have to pay to get it delivered, but that $50 extra that you're paying is saving you hundreds of dollars anyways. It's like 80 to 90% cheaper sometimes. I bought my desk this way. It was I think $170 brand new and I bought it for $25 in like off Facebook marketplace. IKEA also has a second hand section. You should go and look at that. There are so many good fines. I think you don't need to skimp. You don't need to not give yourself the things that you need

like a TV stand or a desk just because you're going to. You can't, you don't want to spend that huge amount of money. You just have to be smart. And you also have to really do your research in terms of how much is this going to cost? I think we just think like, great, I pay my rent every week. I can afford the additional rent? It's also, can I afford the additional utility bills? Can I afford to pay Wi-Fi on my own?

Can I afford all the expenses that are going to come with moving in, like a removalist fan, like buying boxes, like buying boxes, like buying, little knick-knacks that you need for a house, like a fruit bowl. I didn't know that I needed that. And I've never needed that. It's always been accessible to me in my previous homes. Toilet paper. At toilet paper stand, there's so many little expenses. Fight off any of those cognitive distortions that are trying to get you and convince you to spend more money and be realistic about what this is actually going to cost before you just become enamored with the idea. I think that is all that we have time for today.

Thank you so much for tuning in whether you're thinking about living alone, whether you live alone, and you have any other advice from me. You know, I feel like I'm not yet an expert on this. I am fresh to the Living Alone, Living Solo Club. Please send through your tips, send through anything else that you want to share. I'm so excited to see what I learn. I'm so excited to just take everything that I can from this experience. I feel so lucky to be able to do this.

I never thought that this was going to be something that I did and this early in my life. I thought I was going to be, you know, my 30s before I got the chance to live by myself. But I am learning so much. I am experiencing so much and I am so grateful to everyone who has listened this past couple of years for really giving me this opportunity.

It's all thanks to the podcast that I even have the flexibility and the financial freedom to be able to make this decision for myself. So thank you so much. I really hope you enjoyed this episode. If you did, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now, make sure that you are following along on Spotify or you are subscribed on Apple Podcasts. And if you have an episode suggestion, something you want to talk about, any further advice from me or anyone else for that matter, please feel free to message me at that psychology podcast. And we will be back on Friday with another.

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