The Psychology of your 20s - 183. Disliking your friends partner

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

You're not going to get along with everyone and one of those people you don't get along with might end up dating someone you love i.e your friend. Disliking your friends partner often stems from one of three reasons: your dating preferences don't match, you're experiencing platonic jealousy, you're genuinely worried about this other person being bad for your friend, exploitative or abusive. We talk about all three of these outcomes in today's episode along with what to do in response: do you stay silent or speak up?  Listen now!    Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.

Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO. on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed, I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this.

He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the IHart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On The Look Back at it podcast. For 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me.

I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people.

Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host Keer Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you're not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Ellen's, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through. the same thing. Greg Gillespie and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces

consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode of the psychology of your 20s. We have a lot to discuss today, a lot to learn, a lot of opinions to break down and to maybe confirm, maybe not. I'm really excited for it because I think that the dilemma we are discussing today is a pretty common dilemma. I think nearly every single one

of us comes across it at some point in our lives, especially in our 20s and what we are talking about today is disliking someone that one of your friends is dating. Okay, so let me paint a picture for you. Your friend has been single for a couple of years. You know, that's been really hard for her. She really is a lover girlie. She is someone who loves being monogamous. She likes creating a bit of a nest and a home with a partner. And that just kind of hasn't really been part of her story recently. She's just really struggled to find someone. She's been on all the apps, putting yourself out there. And then one day she meets someone. And they've been dating for a a month and you finally get to meet him and you hate him. He is not your kind of guy. He's dismissive,

he's arrogant and your friend just cannot seem to see what is going on. She is like gushing. She is super in love and suddenly he is turning up everywhere as is expected when one of your friends is in love with someone. You know, you go to the movies together. He's there. He's at every girls night, every group outing, and the more opportunities you have to spend time with him, the more you actually grow to dislike him. So this is the dilemma. Do you say anything? Or you kind of bound into silence by the invisible pact we all have with our friends. You don't have to like everything that they do, but you do have to be supportive. I think that this experience is one that all of us can relate to. We can't be friends with everybody in the world. They're not all going to be our

cup of tea. And unfortunately, one of those people we don't get along with may be destined to end up with someone that we do love and we love a lot as their partner. I think this is especially common and perhaps felt more profoundly in our 20s for two reasons. Firstly, this is really a period of exploration and romantic discovery for a lot of us, right? You know, we are exploring what we like, our type, the kind of people we see a future with. And there might be a few duds in there. There's probably going to be a few duds, actually. That is a big part of dating in our 20s, being open to different people, even if they are not always the one per se. So just as you may have dated people, your friends despised of, trust me, I have been there, I have done that. Your friends

are also going through the same kind of romantic developmental chapter, and they're going to bring people into their life and by association your life that you're just not going to like. Additionally, when we're talking about this decade of emerging adulthood, as psychologists would call it, our most important relationships are our friends and our partners compared to in our childhood in teenage years when our parents and our families really, we're not. played a bigger role. As we kind of leave the orbit of the family home, as we're kind of seeking independence, our friends become our support network. They're our confidence. They are the people that we probably spend the most time with. So sometimes these relationships can come into

conflict, right? The relationship between your friends and your partner, especially if you're super close friends and you're finding that this new boyfriend or girlfriend or person is really getting in the way of a pre-established and very deep bond. You can't help but dislike the disruption of the norm and this new person because they have changed the nature of your friendship, you know, or it's just jealousy, maybe it's personality differences, maybe it's because there are really serious red flags that you know your friend cannot see. What do you do in those circumstances? Is it about keeping the peace versus speaking your mind? Do you have a right to get your point across?

Or is it just one of those instances where you just have to stay silent? And you just kind of have to handle this with grace. Spoiler alert, it's very nuanced, but I would say the majority of the time, I think it's only right to bat your tongue with a few exceptions that we're going to discuss. That's what we're going to be talking about because I know this feeling. I have been both friends in this situation, right? I've been the friend who's been dating somebody that all of my friends said they hated and disliked and I didn't want to listen. And I've also been the person who's seen my friends in relationships like that and been like,

what are they thinking they need to leave? And there is actually quite a lot of psychology to pull from to describe some of this frustration, resentment, even sadness that we feel during these times. So let us get into it. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange, modern world.

I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that doesn't. dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person.

Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast.

I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84's big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day but just so y'all know I mean at this point

Mark this is the second episode where we've discussed crack so I'm starting to see that there's a through line We also have AIDS on the table right now So Thank you finishing that sentence I don't think there's a more important year For black people

Really? Yeah for me it's one of the most important years For black people in American history Listen to look back at it On the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts Or wherever you get your podcasts Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games.

And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch.

Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on Earth? Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person.

Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, learn the hard way. Open your free, our heart radio app, Search learn the hard way and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story.

This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in someone's, correct? I doctored the test once. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing.

Gregalespian and Michael Maranini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until Justice.

served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends.

I'm Anna Sinfield. And in this new season of the girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands.

I said, oh, hell no. I vowed. I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I think it's best to firstly identify why you don't like your friend's partner.

And how I see it is that we often don't like them for one of three reasons. Firstly, you don't like them personally because they just aren't your type of person, but they are your friends type of person. There is some personality or preference clash going on. Secondly, you don't like them because this new relationship has changed the nature of your friendship, meaning that your friend is perhaps less accessible, less available, they're canceling plans to be with their partner. And this kind of leads to a resentment that is projected onto this new person when really it's just coming from a place of adjustment and what I like to call

growing pains. And finally, you don't like your friend's partner because of how they treat your friend. You are beginning to notice some behaviours that are major red flags, whether that be control tactics, manipulation, anger, sometimes even abuse, weaponised incompetence. There's a long list of things that we're going to get to. And I think that that final class of reasons is probably the only exception to the don't say anything rule, right? When you know that this is like kind of a question of safety, I do think you have a right to speak up. And we're going to talk about that in a second. These three reasons obviously differ greatly in severity, right? Like one is a matter of liking. One is a matter of insecurity. And the final one is really a matter of, like we said, safety. So we're

going to talk about these three reasons separately. I think they deserve a different kind of response. Of course, starting with, I would say the first situation, which is definitely the moment. majority of instances in which we don't like our friend's partner. And it really comes down to the fact that our preferences clash. And the person that they chose is not the person that we would have chosen for them based on our preferences. There is just something about them that sticks out that we can't look past. Maybe they're arrogant, they're boring, they're lazy, they're rude, they have a job that we don't agree with. and as a result, we kind of get a secondhand ick. It's really so interesting to me when this happens,

because how is it that we can get along so well with someone, that being our friend, and not their partner? Because it's kind of like two limbs or branches, like sticking out of the same tree, right? Like, you would think that they would be alike, but no, that is obviously not always the case. And a lot of this does come down to things that we independently decide for ourselves. like our non-negotiables, like our deal breakers, like our preferences that our friends are just not always going to share. Let's talk about the psychology of this for a little while. So each of us has a unique profile of what we find attractive in someone or what we would call mating preferences in psychology. So there is mating preferences. I know it sounds like super reductive. These preferences

they derive from a number of factors such as genetics, genetic in printing, which essentially says that we seek out partners who resemble our parents, really strange. Things like pheromones and their influence on sexual attraction, attachment style, self-perception, self-esteem, what feels familiar and safe to us. There is a whole number of studies that looks at what it is that creates this unique profile. That last factor is especially the target of a lot of academic consideration. We are attracted to people who feel like they complement us or they're similar to ourselves based on things like values, education level, socioeconomic status, how we were raised, even race.

This may explain why we often see people date in their own league. And I know that is a really weird and reductionist phrase and a weird thing to say, but it kind of turns out to be true. It's not always about physical attraction. It's more about dating people who are aligned with you. We are more attracted to people who are like us in some domain. And we're seeing more research say that if someone meets our core requirements, we may tend to overlook or justify other things about them that may not be 100% what we want.

There is, of course, also the theory that opposites attract. There's obviously some, I would say some evidence for that, that, you know, we choose people based on our own weaknesses, based on their strengths that kind of counteract our weaknesses, better to say it like that. So if we are insecure, we seek out a partner who is confident. If, I don't know, we like the color yellow, we seek out a partner who likes the color blue and then we have the full spectrum. You know, I don't fully think that that is true. that is a much more psychoanalytic theory and has less evidence. But I think nonetheless, we've kind of been sidelined, everything kind of combines to create

this profile, right? What we find familiar creates a profile. What we find attractive based on our past creates this profile. Our education level creates this profile. Our attachment creates this profile. And this is going to be different for all of us. None of us are going to be the same. none of us are going to have the exact same background, the exact same upbringing, genetics, emotional

and relationship history. Even like if you think about like your siblings, even people who are siblings end up dating people who are so different. So their standards are going to differ between you and your friend. And it's frustrating, but you kind of just have to be there to watch that and be there to accept that what you might look for in someone, they're not looking for as well. I think the reason this can be so uncomfortable is because you really want what's best for them. This is someone you adore and cherish. You obviously think is incredible. Very few people can meet the standard that you've set for your friend in your own mind. And we want to protect them from pain, right?

It's very easy in those circumstances to think, you know, I know what is best. I know how to protect my friend. I know that this relationship isn't going to work. they need to just listen to me and they would avoid so much pain. I get it. You want to be their eyes whilst love is kind of blinding them in a way and whilst they're getting carried away in the honeymoon stage, you want to be their guide and you might be sitting there thinking,

you know, I need to do something about this as a friend. I'm going to pause you right there. It's important to remember that this person who they are dating, who you don't like, may be part of their journey. which as shitty as it is, just because you see the potential mistake, doesn't mean that you can do the work for your friend. They let you make your mistakes, I'm sure of it, and now it's your time to repay the favor.

You don't know what this person will be for them in their journey, right? You don't know what kind of decisions they'll make for this person or to stay with this person that actually might end up creating a life after this person that's amazing. You don't know what this person is leading them to, what they need to experience through this relationship. All you see is someone you love and you want to kind of cushion the full and make their life easier. And sometimes in those circumstances, I think you just have to bite your tongue. This is one of those examples. If they make your friend happy, if they are respectful and kind, that is an equally crucial factor,

maybe that's all we can ask for. and your dislike should not be a factor. I think, in fact, it can be rather hurtful if expressed. You know, I had a friend once say to me that an ex-partner of mine was boring and annoying. And you know what I interpreted that as, whether this is correct or incorrect, I interpreted this at the time as my friend saying, you know, it's not that I don't like your partner, it's that I don't think that your preferences are good enough. I saw it as like a judgment of my standards

and that they were so low that I was willing to be with this person because I was settling essentially and so it turned from being a criticism of this guy of my ex to being a criticism of me and it made me in my mind at least and it made me question the relationship but also the friendship at the same time was I a bad judge of character? Is this what this person thought? What else did this friend think of me? Should I just

break up with this guy because eventually I would see what my friends saw and there would be this endless round of I told you so's. I think when you criticize a person's partner out of personal dislike, you are not helping them and you are at risk of creating resentment, especially since we are seeing more research coming out of social psychology that our friends' opinions on our dating lives do impact our decision making. So there was this study published a few years ago out of Indiana University and what they found was that when people knew that their friends did not like their partner, this greatly influenced the actual length of the relationship. Now that could be for two reasons. Either our friends impacted our decision and so we called it quits when we shouldn't have

or maybe our friend recognized something before we did. The relationship was doomed to fail. We just were in, you know, the friend just saw it before we had the opportunity too. I just think regardless, don't put up the war between yourself and this person that you care about from a place of judgment. An even larger consequence, I think, of you expressing your opinion and your friends disagreeing is that they will no longer want to talk to you about what's going on in their relationship. So if something seriously was to go wrong, they feel too ashamed or embarrassed or isolated

to tell you anything because they don't want to deal with the impassee. embarrassment, they don't want to deal with you being like, oh, I knew all along. That's like the worst feeling that you can have. I think what's best in this situation is to really say nothing, really kind of just have to bite your tongue, make sure that your friend is still, still feels like they can rely on you to talk about it, they can rely on you to rant about it, they can ask for your advice and they can kind of come to you in times of need. without the risk that your opinion on their partner is going to influence them or maybe hurt your friendship. I know it's really difficult because you obviously care, but there is definitely a level

of sensitivity required. So let's talk about this second reason. You may not like your friend's partner because you are perhaps jealous. I know we don't like to admit it. Jealousy is an ugly word in our brains to be called jealous. It's not something that we like to hear. And jealousy is also not something that we're likely going to fess up to. But sometimes we just can't help that feeling. It's like any other emotion. It sometimes feels like it's coming from a place that we don't have control over. And it's not necessarily sexual jealousy. You are not attracted to their friend. You are not attracted to their partner. It's more a form of platonic jealousy, whereby you feel like this previously solid friendship and bond has been dismantled by this new

relationship whereby suddenly your friend has a new set of priorities and you are not as high on the list as their partner is. I really get this. I really do. It's always so much more fun when you and your friends are all single together or you're all experiencing the same things or there is that closeness, you're always the top of each other's list. And when that gets taken away from us, because of a new boyfriend, a new girlfriend, we feel very instinctively, it's a natural reflex, I would say, to feel protective over the things that we value, whether that is a material possession or a relationship. Because innately, we are kind of greedy creatures, right? And we want people all to ourselves. I know that's kind of an ugly thing to say. That's something that I think we feel

a lot of shame for, but it's just kind of the truth, right? Humans want more. We always want more. We always want what's best for us. We always want more love, more possessions, more affection. and sometimes I think seeing something that we value like our friend's affection and our friend's compassion and our friend's company get quote unquote taken away can lead us to feel very defensive. Unfortunately, I don't think that that is something we have control over and it is not something that we can voice. There will come a time when we need to adjust and accept that other relationships may be a priority for people, especially. if this new partner is someone that they're thinking about having kids with or settling down

with or getting married. That happens a lot more the further we get into our 20s and not to be like kind of tough love about it, but you can either stay in kind of Peter Panland and be like, no, I want to be single and fun and get drunk and be all together for the rest of our lives and watch everyone else outgrow that dream and outgrow that version of reality or you can kind of adapt and grow with them. In those situations, though, I do still feel like if you're, if you're sensing resentment coming up towards your friend, that is something you need to talk about. You don't necessarily need to say, hey, I'm jealous of your boyfriend because he gets more of your attention and that's so unfair. You can be delicate about it. I think it's worth addressing and saying,

hey, like, next time we hang out, can we just have one on one time? You know, I'm really missing you and I feel like we haven't had a chance to like fully, you know, catch up, ask them to hang out one-on-one. Be somewhat assertive that you need quality time that it is just you and them, or that there are things that you don't want to share with a stranger, i.e. their new boyfriend or girlfriend. I think a good friend is receptive to that and they don't want to see you hurt or bothered or upset. So they'll listen to you. They'll notice that there is something that is on your mind, perhaps they'll address it or they'll probably guess it and they'll make some change that your relationship is being not jeopardized but is being altered and changed by their new priorities and they have to

decide whether they want to continue with that priority list or make sure that you feel cared for. Again, this isn't about you expressing an opinion about their partner or wanting to have some influence over their decision making when it comes to their relationship. this is just about addressing what is within your scope, which is the quality of your friendship and what you feel you need and your relationship needs in order to be sustained. I think although these examples are tough, they do require us to have a bit of sensitivity and think about what we would want to hear in these situations. We all know what it feels like to just be like totally enraptured with someone, totally head over heels.

we have our blinders on, we really can't see anything but them. And it is like a wonderful time. It will also, at some stage, pass. And you want to make sure that your relationships, your friendships are still there when it does. So I think just catching your friend's attention and being like, hey, I would love to just like see you one on one. I would love to talk to you one on one.

Can we do something that's like quality time? That's a really important first step. I think that if they respond to that positively, great. If they don't, that's a further discussion where you have to be like, then you can kind of pull out the card of like, never say you don't like their partner, but do say like, I don't like how our relationship or our friendship has developed since you started dating this person. I'm so happy for you, but I also think that what we have is important and will be around, has been around a lot longer than this other relationship.

hopefully I want it to be around for the rest of our lives. So let's keep working on it. I do think, though, there are other instances in which we can see things that our friend maybe can't. And you do feel like you need to intervene. You rightfully should be saying something. This does happen. And we're going to talk about all of that and more after this short break. 2%.

That is the number of people who take the stairs. when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience

that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people.

I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do a little kill? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill,

waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you finishing that sentence.

Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark.

Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross,

because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth, or are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast,

learn the hard way. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the hard way and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd, found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth.

You doctored this particular test twice in someone, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through,

the same thing. Greg, a lesbian, Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues,

Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Maricopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast

on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends.

I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no.

I vowed. I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Toxic relationships in our 20s at any age, really, do exist. they are a disaster to watch from the outside. They are so painful, especially when we feel powerless to do anything, to help this person to change their situation. I think it's especially

distressing when we see a friend falling into a situation we know is not good for them. And we really cannot intervene. And when we do attempt to intervene, it only serves to jeopardize. the connection that we have with that person and our relationship with them. As a friend, I think we kind of take on the role of guardian angel in a lot of circumstances. We are the ones who defend our friends when they can't. We are there for them when they need us most. We will be honest with them about what matters and supportive about the things that, you know, might look small to us. And whilst I have readily been recommending a silence is the best policy for situations, where you don't like your friend's partner,

I think that there are a series of scenarios where you have a duty to speak up and speak up quickly. Here are some examples of this. I think if your friend is dating someone who is overly controlling and tries to limit their contact with you or other important people in their life,

if they are dating someone who is physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally abusive, somebody who is enabling them and causing them to make decisions that you know are dangerous, someone who has lied to them about something, especially something important. And you know the truth, right? So if they are cheating on your friend or lying about something in their past and you know otherwise, I think that you really have a responsibility to say something.

If this person is manipulating them financially, if they're displaying signs of extreme jealousy or possessiveness, I think essentially any kind of behaviours that are coercive, abusive, manipulative or exploitative, you have a duty to intervene. Even if just from like a wellness check perspective, making sure they are okay, that is the bare minimum. There is certainly so much more that you can do. And I want to talk you through this, but before then a quick caveat that there is so much advice to give, not all of it is going to match your situation. And there are so many other online resources for this and trusted individuals like a psychologist or a counselor or even a doctor or someone in law enforcement

that you should reach out to for more specialized, individualized help. I know that a lot of us know that, but sometimes I just want to make sure that, you know, if it is a really serious situation, you know where to go and you know that there are people out there to help you. But whilst you are trying to help your friend, there are some things that you can do. I think, firstly, create a space for open communication. You're not going to know or learn anything. Your friend is not going to address anything unless they feel like there is a space for them

to talk and talk safely about it. So I would say be patient, invite them over to your place, keep the conversation light to begin with, ask them about their life, ask them about how everything's going. So it doesn't feel like an interrogation. They don't constantly feel like you want information about their relationship and you're trying to get them to leave, ask them questions that get them

to reach the conclusion you've already reached on their own, because that will be more meaningful and effective if they recognize it themselves rather than having you tell them and feeling judged about it and feeling like they're getting all this information and then not quite sure it's correct because they haven't reached the same point and the same conclusion as, you have. You know, if your friend hasn't asked for help, you can't really expect to go into this conversation and just speak your mind unfiltered, right? Because they're going to be like, wait, what the heck? Where is this coming from? Like, my relationship is fine. My relationship is perfect. You know, there's a difference between wanting to help and passing judgment and statements like,

he treats you so badly, or you just have to leave him. That is not going to help them articulate. how they feel and therefore get to that same point that you have. So when I'm talking about these questions that help them reach their own conclusion, this includes things like, do you think that's normal how they're acting? Or how do you feel about that? How do you feel about it when she does that? When he acts that way? Is that what you wanted in a relationship? Is that what you like in a relationship? All of these questions seem innocent enough, but I think if the person is unhavoured, and experiencing a difficult situation, it will reveal a lot. And it also keeps the focus on them and their feelings, not on your dislike for their partner, which I think can kind of make it

like, oh well, you know, they're only talking about this with me because they hate my boyfriend and they just want them gone. That's not what you're trying to do, right? You're trying to get them to open up. And if they are opening up, if they do, don't judge them. Like I said, before statements like, how could you not see this? How did it get this bad? What do you think was going to happen? You need to break up with him. I've known this since the beginning. Dump him. That firstly is like a very shallow way of seeing things that doesn't take in the complexity of the situation. But it also puts you on opposing teams when you want to be in the same corner and you want them to see you as an ally, not as someone they need to justify their choices to. Alongside that,

I also think don't try and force their hand by creating ultimatums or forcing them to really like have to come up with a plan straight away. Like I think that sense of urgency of like, what are you going to do about it? You have to break up with them right now. This is terrible. This is a disaster. I know that you're trying to do the right thing. I know that that's where you have the best intentions in mind to help guide them out of

what you see is a terrible situation. But I think that sense of urgency is going to set off. so much panic and alarm that if it was me, would probably result in a complete mental and emotional shutdown. They may have just realized that something was wrong. They may have just realized that what this behavior, this behavior they're experiencing is not right. They're going to need some time to adjust because they probably do love this person. You cannot go from loving someone to hating them in an instant just because your friend has said something, right? Like, it's a lot, it's a much more complicated journey than that.

It could be, take months. It could mean that they just need some more evidence to understand what is going on. And I think that that urgency created by forcing them to make a decision can create a lot of cognitive dissonance. They obviously value your opinion. They know how they want to be treated, but they also know that they love this person. and they believe that this person loves them back. So it's hard to square all of those different and contradictory beliefs into one small space, right?

It's hard to believe all those things at once. They're going to experience some mental discomfort while they work through that. And we want them to choose the two former beliefs, that your opinion is valuable and that they know how they want to be treated. We don't want them to choose the two former beliefs of like, oh, sorry, the two, two latter beliefs, latter, former, last beliefs of like, oh, this person loves me and this is normal. Also, I think it's important in these situations to have empathy for why people may accept what you don't think they deserve. It's really crucial to be aware of what keeps people in bad relationships. It's very easy for us to, you know, say that that's bad and say that they shouldn't tolerate that and

that's that, you know, there it is, the logic is sound. But you're not the one experiencing the attachment. You are not the one still reflecting on the good memories. You are not the one who sees this person's potential and has imagined a future. You are an outside party and we all know the feeling of giving someone advice. We know we could never take. Or knowing that something is easier said than done. People stay for a lot of reasons. They're scared of the unknown. This situation may not be great, but at least it's the devil that we know. We're fearful of what it could mean to be alone. There is so much uncertainty to a life without this other person, without the comfort of a partner. And although it is maybe a toxic relationship,

a negative relationship, at least it feels comfortable and familiar and leaving feels really scary. It may also come down to poor self-esteem. They might not think that they can do better. We all have our own sense of self-worth and our self-concept. And although you may be looking at your friend being like, literally you are the most beautiful, magnetic, intelligent, wonderful human to exist, they may not share that belief or see it from your outside perspective. I think also sometimes we are blind to the problems in our relationship because we need to be in order to survive. in order to, you know, from a place of self-preservation, you know, being able to recognize that things are wrong would mean that we would have to leave, which could jeopardize our safety,

which could put us in the place of a lot of doubt and fear. So it's easier to think that this is normal. It's easier to accept what is happening to us. There's also shame, a lack of resources, or the fact that what they're experiencing has become normalized. There is this theory in psychology actually called and learned helplessness that we've spoken about on the podcast before. And essentially, psychologists came up, but researchers discovered this idea when looking at experiments with dogs. And it was pretty nasty, but they would tie these dogs up and they would essentially abuse them. And they couldn't escape because they were restrained.

They would then let the dogs go. And they would continue to abuse them. So even though the dogs weren't chained up, even though they really were free to go wherever they wanted, free to escape the pain, they stayed. Because they had normalized the experience and they had learned that they were helpless in changing anything. Sometimes these things are so ingrained they take time to dismantle. So you just have to be there for them. You have to be gentle, offer support, a shoulder to cry on, a place to be heard, and enlist the help of others they try.

trust in love to get them to a point where they feel secure enough and safe enough and supported enough to do something, right? If they do make the decision, keep them focused on the future. How much better it is going to be, how much you love them and believe in them, how much they have waiting for them in the next few months that is going to be so beyond their wildest dreams, paint a picture for them and affirm their choices, affirm that this is the right. right decision, that they are making the right choice that you are proud of them. But don't lose hope if, you know, they go back a few times. Your job is not to force them into a decision they're not prepared for, but to love them and aid their decision, even if it's, you know, not the one that you

would make. These situations are hard for everyone. I know that we started off talking about, like, just personally not liking somebody's partner, which is such a common experience, but it can get more extreme than that. And I know you feel a supreme sense of duty and you want to do something and you wish that you were in charge and you wish that you could make this change happen. But it's also not about you. I think in all of these examples, whether you dislike your friend's partner for arbitrary reasons, from a place of jealousy or from a place of genuine concern and safety, that is not about you. None of that is about you is about your friend. It is about what you feel they deserve, what they do deserve, the relationship that they have with you. And I think

sometimes we can let our own ego get in the way and make us feel like we know best and make it feel like we could just do this all better and we should, they should just let us take the wheel and they don't know anything and they're making these mistakes and what were they thinking? It's not our journey. It's not our life. It's not our decision. So you just have to be there to support them and pick up the pieces at the end of the day because, you know, your friend will only listen and accept help when they are ready. And if you alienate them by judging them, by being like your partner is such a loser, they're annoying, they're awful, you know, like I said before, we know what it feels like to be in love. Whose side you think they're going to choose?

It's not rational. It is definitely not logical, but it's very human. to let ourselves be guided by emotion. So I hope that this episode has been of some help. I'm going to leave some resources in the description. I know that this kind of ended up being a really vulnerable and intense conversation, but I also hope that it helps because I know that a lot of us in our 20s are witnessing this or have experienced this where someone's just in that kind of relationship where you're like, do I need to say something?

And it's hard to decide whether you do or whether you need to stay silent. So I hope that this has kind of guided you in that dilemma and in that experience. I've been there. I've done that. I've got the T-shirt. I have been both friends in this scenario. And, you know, there were things that I think I've said in the past to friends that I shouldn't have said that have tarnished our friendship. And there has been things that have said to me that have made me really isolate myself and not want to talk to those people.

So hopefully I've brought that experience to the table. You've taken something away from it. you've learned from it and if there is someone you think needs to hear this episode, please feel free to share it with them, share them a link, let them know that they're heard, let them hear this advice for themselves maybe. If you have an episode suggestion or if you just want to get engaged with the community, please follow along at that psychology podcast on Instagram. We would love to see you over there and make sure to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcast,

Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. And make sure you're following along. We've got some really cool episodes coming out, some that are a little bit less serious than this. But once again, I'm wishing you love and luck. And we will be back next week with another episode. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs

when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships. and you will come out on the other side, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%.

That's TWO%. On the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed. I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that

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Of how we survived it With our friends Fellow comedians And favorite authors Like Mark Lamont Hell, on the 80s. It was a wild year. It was a wild year.

I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host, Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to,

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