The Psychology of your 20s - 197. Stop being PASSIVE in your life ft. Girls with Goals

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

We often think the secret to not being passive in our lives is to fill up our days, set countless goals, always be striving for progress and productivity. What if we told you the secret was slowing down? In today's episode I am joined by Caroline and Ann Catherine from Girls with Goals as we discuss:  What it beens to be passive vs. active vs. intentional How to create momentum  Why big, long term goals aren't the secret to success  How to develop a healthier relationship with yourself and your spare time Follow Girls with Goals here: @girlswithgoalspod Find Girls with Goals wherever you get your podcasts.  Follow Jemma here: @jemmasbeg  Follow the podcast here: @thatpsychologypodcast   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of our 20s. A subject I'd like to talk about a lot is agency. And the fact that I think in about 80% of instances in our lives, we get to control our reality and what we're experiencing. I think so much about how we operate and how we function, our daily lives is actually within our power. But a lot of us choose to live quite passively. And we let things

happen to us rather than actively choosing who we are, our outlook, our experiences, our behaviors, who we spend time with. We say it all the time on the podcast, but I think sometimes the easiest and most convenient choice is not always the best for you. And this is especially important to recognize in our 20s when we are at such a formative juncture and in the midst of really deciding what we want long term, what we want with our careers, with our health, with our finances. I don't think that we can actually afford to be passive. It doesn't mean that we have to be constantly kind of finding for the next big thing

and overworking ourselves. We don't always have to be focused on achievement. but I think more so that we need some kind of structure to how we think about our future, but also about our present and what kind of life we are creating for ourselves. And I thought, who better to bring on for this episode than the wonderful hosts of Girls with Girls to have kind of a discussion and informative conversation on how not to be passive when it comes to creating a happy and fulfilling life. So Carolyn and Catherine, welcome to the show.

Hi, thank you so much for having us. Caroline. I'm in Catherine. We are, we're twin sisters. We're based in Boston in the U.S. and we host the show Girls with Goals. We talk so much on our show about health and wellness, but mostly in the sense of how it fits into our lifestyles and ultimately building your own most confident life, however that's going to look. And, you know, every topic we dive into is something that we're actively navigating at the same time. And I think figuring out how to have that right balance of control over your lives while at the same time being kind of trusting in the path and not trying to get too overwhelmed with the control is something that we're always working

to figure out. So I think hopefully we'll be able to come and bring some good advice on how to stop being passive in your life and take more control without it being too overwhelming of a feat to take on. Yeah, I love the word control in a good way is what we're getting at here. controls and you're in the power of your life, which I think is really important when we're talking about whether or not you're living passively. So we love, you know, like Caroline said, this is a time that we're navigating actively ourselves and that's what we talk about. So, you know, we're working on trying not to be passive or being aware of that and knowing how to be confident within that and, you know, actively work towards moving away from passive life and taking more control and feeling empowered in our lives is what we talk about. all the time. So this is a really great episode. Thank you so much for having us. Absolutely. Well, I feel like that's something I really admire about you guys. Firstly, you're in your 20s, which I think is like, obviously the psychology of your 20s. Like I like talking to people who also kind of get it. But I really admire how you're both like quite intentional in how you live, right? You really like

prioritize the good parts of life as much as you can, even when it's difficult. Like you guys are full-time students. You're running your own businesses. When it comes to, to that what do you think it means to be intentional, especially when we have like so many other things on our plate that can make it really difficult to focus on bringing, like, I feel like being intentional sometimes gets compared to putting in more effort, right, and having to give more energy when you don't actually have it. But what does it mean for you guys? Yeah, it's definitely not just straight up putting in more energy. And I think we've all been there where that is our default, because it's the simplest, seemingly simplest solution before you actually, you know, try out some

solutions. It's kind of our default, our go-to. Just if things aren't working out or they're not working out as you want them to, just throw more effort in, like do more things, work harder. Not the answer all the time, because that almost pushes you further into that, you know, passiveness. Anytime I felt like I'm in a state of passiveness, passiveness. First of all, I don't realize it until like a month or two or, or, you know, you. even more down the line. And I'm like, oh my God, I've been living on autopilot. Like, I couldn't even tell you what happened these past four months. But having the, you know, ability to acknowledge that and pull yourself out of that is a really intentional thing. And it's not to say that you're never

going to have times of feeling passive or, you know, that you have to throw yourself an autopilot. But when you do notice it, being able to, you know, pull yourself out of it. And sometimes that means not throwing more more gas on the fire, but taking a step back and going back to those foundations. And so knowing that there are a bunch of different options and that maybe not putting all your effort in and losing all of your steam and absolutely burning out is the best answer. Sometimes it's taking a step back and going back to your, you know, foundations, the things that you absolutely have to do. Yeah, I totally agree. I read this article actually like today by the Atlantic called like the status of being business.

which is that like in this day and age, being busy is seen as like as being successful, as being popular as being like a go getter when actually busyness really just demonstrates. Yes, obviously like a period of just having a lot on and chaos. But actually it represents an inability to set personal boundaries in a way because you don't and you haven't been intentional in putting time aside, right? I think you made a really good point. Like we talk about not being passive. Not being passive doesn't mean being active, right?

Like you would think that that's the opposite, right? Okay, if I don't want to be passive, I better be doing things all the time. But it's actually being intentional. It's actually being like, okay, wait, is this really, I think I really liked the example of you being like, okay, feeling the need to spend every single night with friends, feeling need to go out, to go out to dinner. that is the easiest thing because saying yes is the easiest thing but saying no is the hard thing and it's sometimes the right thing. So how do you think we can shift our outlook and our behaviors to be more intentional? What do you think like kind of being in the passenger, being in like the driver's seat, not the passenger seat, really like means in our 20s?

Yeah. Ironically, some of the times that I felt most passive in my life have also been times where I'm most busy because I am filling my plate with all of these things while I'm being avoidant to maybe more of the personal goals and the personal things that are actually going to fulfill me. Business does not always equal fulfillment. And sometimes I think the hardest thing is to slow down, be honest with yourself, spend time just with yourself and like doing those slower things and figuring out kind of what your next step is and deciding what step to take forward rather than being so busy that you can

even make that choice, you're just always moving. Sometimes for me, that that busyness actually is the passiveness because I'm being avoidant to my own life. And so I think the first thing that I would do if you find yourself being passive is to try to figure out why that is happening. Is it fear of not being able to reach a goal that you have in your mind? Is it a lack of self-confidence to spend time with yourself and to step up because maybe you've never been very comfortable just being alone with yourself and being accepting of yourself and working on yourself. Or maybe it's even just being kind of overwhelmed and unsure of which direction to go because especially in our 20s when nobody has their lives figured out at all and we see all of these people around us in our own lives and then

also perpetuated on the internet going in all different directions all at once. It can be really overwhelming to decide which direction we even want to go in. And then how do we even take that first step forward if there's a hundred options and we don't know which one to do? So being able to take that step back first rather than filling our lives with more busyness and see why am I being passive? Is it fear? Is it self-confidence? Is it that I'm overwhelmed? And then what is that first step forward for myself that's actually going to work? Not just what everyone else is doing. And I think that comes down to values, right? That is such a precious and like personal thing for each of us. But when we're really caught up in comparing ourselves, that's a big one,

seeing what everyone else is doing and feeling like we're coming up short. your motivation is not the same as theirs. You have no idea why they're doing what they're doing, why it's important to them, their stamina, their energy reserves, whether they're actually sitting back at the end of the day and being like, wow, nothing I did today was intentional. This was all just like clutter that I felt compelled to do. So I think taking time to be like, okay, I don't actually need to know what I want exactly. I don't need a five-year plan.

I don't need to have it all worked out. I think having it all worked out is actually a bad thing because you have no room for flexibility and for surprise and for excitement. It's mainly being like, what are the values that I want to guide my decision making by? Is it that I want to be like guided by creativity and I want to be exploring ways to be creative? And that means that no, I can't say yes to all my social plans because I do need space for rest and space for my imagination. Is it, okay, I'm really motivated by growth and I'm really motivated by intelligence or I'm really motivated by whatever it is that is like, oh, I think independence.

Maybe that's like the value that drives your kind of financial goals and how active you are and your financial goals, right? It's like stop trying to pursue things from a place of wanting to please others or wanting to do what others are doing. That's what makes you passive. Do it from a place of once again when you're intentional about your motivations, your inspiration, your mission, I think everything becomes a lot easier. Have you guys kind of found that? Exactly. Something that has always grounded me in my own life because it can definitely be

overwhelming for me to think about like, where do I want to see myself in five years? What do I want my exact career to be? Because for me, that's never been something that has come naturally, picking one path. But what really grounds me and helps me be more stable and be more active in my life regardless of that is to think about, okay, I don't know exactly what the tangible thing is that I need. I don't need to know exactly the tangible path in that career and whatever, the relationship and the timeline. I don't need to know that. But what really matters to me is to know, like, what my values are that are always going to be there and what the feeling that I want in life is. Because your 20s, and I say this as someone who just basically started my 20s, I'm only 21, but I think it's such a good

time to experiment because nobody knows exactly where they're going. And like you said, I don't think you should. I think that's kind of a bad thing because you're going to put yourself on a path and you're not going to let yourself change your mind or you're not going to keep yourself open to other opportunities that might come up. And so when I try to focus on the feeling that I want out of my life instead of those tangible things, I can really keep myself open to opportunities that come up and all of these things that might bring those feelings for me. So, for example, if we're talking about that feeling of independence and freedom, you can find different ways to get that out of your life on big levels and on little levels throughout your day. So maybe that financial independence or just

that feeling of freedom in general on the grandest scheme you can think of is owning your own business and working for yourself. But maybe that's not a tangible, reachable thing for you in this moment, but you still want to have that feeling. So maybe a lower level of that, is doing some traveling or maybe reading books and just educating yourself on things that you're interested in and taking that sense of agency and independence in your life. And maybe even on a day-to-day level, it's just doing activities by yourself. So when you know what those values are and what those feelings are, I think that it helps you to be active in your life from day one because it doesn't need to be. I'm jumping right to the finish line right now. But there are things that I can find

today this week, this month that still give me that feeling and things can really snowball from there. Sometimes it's kind of silly. Our show name is Girls with Goals, but in the recent, I mean, we've been doing this for almost three years. And the recent, I'd say, two years, our answer to the question, like, what are your goals? What do you want to do with your life? Are feelings. We don't really have an answer. Like, we just want to chase improvement and chase feeling good. and that is, I don't think it's the answer that we would have said three years ago when we started this show. I probably would have given you a list of like five things that I want to accomplish. And, you know, maybe I did accomplish those five things, but it doesn't stop when you accomplish them.

And life also doesn't stop if you don't accomplish your goals or if you have some failures along the way. And so I think a massive, massive point that we've learned in the past couple years that this has been something that we've, you know, had to articulate over and over again, the concept of goals. and in our frame of mind, what are our goals, are that we don't have any, or at least not tangible ones necessarily, but we do have a direction. We have a kind of quality that we expect of ourselves. And I think that is a really big point that's taken us, I mean, I'm speaking for myself, but taking me at least into a more, you know, controlled and intentional and like really self-aware journey into improvement and whatever that may be, literally every aspect of life. So I can't tell you, I go to the gym every day. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I have

a gym goal because I couldn't tell you that. I don't want to. It's a continuous thing. Exactly. And I mean, three years ago, I was like, I want to hit 150 pounds squat. I don't know what my squat weight is. Right. And I couldn't tell you how much I squat right now. I would go to the gym because I want to continue showing up for myself and I want to feel strong and I want to be healthy. And like, that's why I do it. And of course, things come in and now. You have different mini goals in your life. And it's really fun to set many goals along the way, but that's not like the end-all be-all goal. And sometimes when you do set those really tangible and really specific goals, that's when you feel the passiveness come in because

that's all you're working towards. Your kind of tunnel vision towards that. And everything else falls behind or is in front of mind. You're not really putting an intentional effort towards it. And then you get into this rut where things feel so much like clutter. I'd love that word that you said earlier, that even the goal you're working towards feels a little bit like clutter. And then you're going to get to a point really, what am I even doing? And I mean, at that point, you're in the passive era and you're, I guess, snapping out of it.

But that's how you kind of, in my mind, that's in my experience, how I've become passive is almost by getting too specific on what I want in an overwhelming sense. That's actually so interesting because one of my questions was going to be, how is your relationship to your goals changed as you get older? Oh, wow. And I was like, that's like such a good answer. Yeah. That definitely is like a maturity thing too.

I mean, I know you're a so fan. I know Carol has hair so can. But the like, please, please yell at me if I get the lyrics wrong. 18 and nothing at, how do you know everything at 18 and nothing at 21? Oh yeah. That was right. That's, I feel like that. That's, that's being. Thanks guys. Um, I mean, that's obviously something that a lot of people can relate to. You kind of feel like you have everything. And maybe those really specific goals work well when you're around 18 because you're, you don't have to act on them right on them right away. Or have a dream. And if you do act on them, like Caroline said, it's not, I'm going to own my own

business, it's like, I go to work. I work my minimum wage job in high school, and that's me with financial freedom. Like, that satisfies that craving, I guess. Whereas once you're 21, yeah, the stakes are much lower, it's exponential, whereas a few years later, you're 21, world of possibilities. Yeah, I think how my relationship with goal setting has changed in the more recent years is that a lot of my goals are more of these continuous goals. versus end game goals because it in for my mind and the way that my mind works I am very future and forward thinking and if I tell myself that I need something and want to do something I get so one track minded with it that it tends to lead me down this like anxious path of having to get

somewhere as fast as I can and like on that track and then I'm pretty avoidant of other things around me and then obviously that is not good when you don't get exactly there. And I think something that really showed me that I actually have matured and that I've done that well recently is I was looking for part-time internships and things to do with this next year ahead of me because I have one year of college left, but I actually only have one semester worth of classes to do. So I have a much lower schedule and I was like, okay, well, maybe I want to work for a startup in Boston and kind of fill more of my time. And I was really excited about this one opportunity. It was like sports marketing, seemed really up my alley,

you know, had some social media aspects and fitness and marketing. And I was one month, three interviews deep in this company, and they turned me down. And which, yeah, sad. But honestly, I was so shocked that I got that. And I was like, huh, okay, well, it must not be what I was supposed to be doing. And, like, myself a couple years ago, having been rejected to something that I was, you know, a little bit emotionally involved in and, like, starting to think forward about it. I would have been so much more destroyed by that, whereas I was able to, like, move on and forget about it than a day because I have my podcast going for me and I still have school. And I know that other opportunities are going to come and open up. And so I think that being able to have more of these continuous goals of like, I just want to feel successful. I want to feel independent. I want to feel healthy versus I want to feel successful by getting this exact position at this exact time really keeps me moving forward because I think that in late.

later years, if I had gotten rejected or something, then I might have just stopped and stalled right there, and I wouldn't have kept moving forward. And so I think specifically in your 20s, when you're navigating these paths and like, what am I going to do? If you can set out to do things without the pressure of them having to be end game, then taking that path forward is so much more exciting and you're able to learn and evolve and grow along the way rather than, you know, seeing something as a hard stop. And I think that kind of the really tangible, really specific big goals that are almost too far out of reach in the current moment, because I will never tell you that nothing is

too far out of reach. But in the current moment, something is probably too far out of reach if you're setting a massive, massive goal. The way that that becomes passive, I think just listening to Caroline Talk, this is my concept on it, is what my brain's doing. while I'm listening to her. When you get those really, really big goals, the reason I know they don't work out for me and I know a lot of people probably have the same experience is you're almost doubting yourself

and self-doubt is something that we talk about a lot or the inverse self-confidence. Because we want self-confidence, of course, don't really want self-doubt if it's debilitating. But in the passive sense, self-doubt is debilitating. And so when you set these really, really big goals, it's like, You kind of self-sabotage, and I'm sure you've talked about this on your show before, too. But you kind of self-sabotage, and that default into the passive zone is, in my mind, 100% that self-sabotage. Because you're like, kind of I'm not even going to try. I'm just going to, in the back of my mind, hope that this massive goal that I think I want for myself works out.

But I'm really not going to put, like, tons of effort towards it or, like, intentional effort. And that's not a zone that we want to be in. it feels like you have so much time, right? Because it is such a big thing. But I also think that... So much space for excuses. Exactly. I also think that like with big goals that are like numbers. For example, you talked about like 150 pounds squat or like, I don't know, a huge milestone, a marathon. That's another one. Something like that. It's like, okay, once you hit that, you lose steam. Because it's not sustainable because your goal is one point in time. It is before you reach the goal and it is when you reach the goal and the after is you don't have anything for that. And I was talking to my friend

who did a marathon recently. So impressive. And she was like, yeah, I don't want to run anymore because that was so freaking exhausting. She was like, that was awful. Like I'm, I was working. She basically recreated her whole lifestyle around this huge thing that she, I think thought was going to bring her a lot of other things. It was going to bring her confidence. It was going to bring her control. It was going to bring her empowerment. Yes, those things did happen. But she was, wasn't thinking about how running was going to promote those things as a lifestyle. She was thinking about how she was going to get to this goal. And what that meant was that once the goal had been obtained, all of the habits, all of

the processes, all of the attitude adjustments that she'd had in that process were suddenly, you know, no longer useful for her. And so I think that that's like a really important part about when we think about goals and you think about being being active in your life, not being a passive agent, immediately your mind might go to, okay, well, I need to set like the biggest goal possible because that's going to give me focus. But really, your time kind of ends when that goal is reached and you're not thinking about how you actually want to create a good life around that thing and beyond that thing, if that makes sense. Yeah, that makes so much sense. I love that.

Yeah. Because you kind of shorten your life. You stop thinking about your life in terms of like I'm going to live till forever and me running is going to make me healthy and like get my muscles up and build my bone strength and get my heart pumping. And that's going to help me live forever and like have so much time to enjoy life and experience so many new things. Like oh my marathons in six months like my life now only exists six months out in my head. And then nothing else is really important to you anymore or nothing else is at the forefront of your brain. It's not, you know, career longevity, maintaining friendships super heavily. Anything else beyond just that marathon training example falls into the passive zone.

Yeah. You know, that's actually very interesting because I had never thought about somebody having that experience. You know, you don't see people talking about kind of the aftermath of achieving great goals like that, but you do see it so often in, you know, business where somebody it takes off and is so successful and then all of a sudden there's bankruptcy the next day and it's like oh my god how did that happen and it's maybe because we're not planning for longevity and sustainability and so not to say don't go out and set the big goals of the marathon and things like that but maybe make it a longer journey and take the baby steps to get there or plan ahead for like okay how do i want to continue to do this after the fact instead of making it

kind of that end game. Maybe it, maybe that taking more action in your life is thinking ahead towards how am I going to manage this afterwards and not fall back into a passive state after. Because goals are important. Like that's the, I feel like, obviously like we're sitting here being like, no, goals are super important. They are so valuable. Like even last night, I was journaling about it and being like, this is what I want out of the next six months of my life. But the things that I wanted were not like specific. They weren't like, I feel like there's this thing of like smart goals where they have to be like specific, measurable, actionable, something are realistic and timely. Yeah, that's great.

Love that. But, and I get that there's like a lot of research behind that. I really actually don't agree. Yeah, I get that it's like a really nice idea, but I'm like, actually no. Those are things that once you do, you tick them off and you actually aren't invested in as a lifestyle change. Yes. Whereas when you have goals that are like personal, sustainable and like about attitudes and beliefs and lifestyle, like those things are so much more valuable for actually changing your life.

And I was listening to this TED talk, which I love. It's the Elizabeth Gilbert one on like success. And she basically said that all her life she had been, she's an author. She'd been waiting for success. and she'd been waiting for a book to be published and for a book to become a bestseller. And then she wrote a pre-love, which everybody knows, cultural phenomena. And afterwards she was like, oh, hey, that's all I ever wanted. I'm like at the top of the mountain.

Now what? And she had to actually really relearned to love the process. And it's called learned industriousness, which I love. It's like a psychology term that's kind of in opposition to learned helplessness where it's like learned industriousness is about not. being too overly invested in what obviously you care about the outcome but actually you care more about enjoying the process it's kind of like the age or question of like what's better the destination or the journey and this thing this this this idea says no the journey 100% because how you're

meant to get to the destination if you hate the journey right like how are you ever going to care about all that time where you're not going to see results if you don't actually love the thing that you're doing yeah talking about you know all the time that you don't see results. I think with anything we want in our life, it can seem daunting that so many of these things that we might want to achieve are not things that are going to come to us overnight. And I think that's a huge reason we might be passive in starting something because we know that our effort tomorrow is not going to be seen tomorrow. You know, it's going to take our effort tomorrow in the next stay in the weeks after before we really start seeing things. And I think that that fear or that not

immediate satisfaction is a huge reason why we might be passive in things. And when it comes to anything great, you know, it's so cliche to say consistency is key. But I do think that it really is because, you know, it could take 99 tries at something and then the 100th one works. But because you showed up for those 100 days and you did that, that 100th one being a success makes up for everything else that you've worked for versus, you know, those 100 days, those 100 tries, whatever it is, those are going to go by anyways. And you could have those go by being passive and never trying, or you could have those go by trying and learning and learning until it works or just being consistent over and over until your results compile enough to really see it happen. I mean,

taking podcasts, for example, yours and ours, I'm sure we both had many episodes or even iterations of the podcast and the content before we really felt like we had something like, oh, that was an episode and a topic that I was super proud of, or, oh, wow, that just reached a lot of people, that went viral. Like, it doesn't, nothing that you do is going to be an immediate success. And so being able to accept that and understand that, like, you're going. like nothing worth having really is going to be like an immediate success or give you that immediate gratification, I think is a really big step in not being passive because that is something you have

to accept in order to step into the activity of whatever it is you want to do. It is kind of a cool thing when you think about how you perceive time, at least for me, in terms of passive versus active or, you know, passive time versus a successful venture. say something takes like a month and you choose not to do it because it's scary and it's going to take a lot of effort and you don't have the energy or whatever you don't want to commit to it. That month is going to go by and it's going to go by pretty quickly compared to if you're putting the effort in. But then after the month, you're going to look back and say, oh my gosh, I just wasted

this whole life. If I had started that thing, where would I have been? Right. And that one month is going to feel like an eternity. Whereas the opposite, you start something at the beginning of that month. And it takes about a month and then it's in your eyes deemed successful and you feel really good about it and you're proud about it and things are going well. That month may have been grueling. The month itself of work may have felt like an eternity. But once you get to the stage where you're feeling like this is successful, this is feeling good. Like I'm proud of this. The month is going to feel like it happened overnight. Like you're going to forget about all of the immediate hard times. Like how many times have you been up until way like, like, past midnight, like you're fighting a deadline to get an episode in or like you're, you're doing work. Everyone has had times, whether it's school, whether it's work, whether it's

whatever, you're overworking yourself getting worked on. And then you submit the thing, you're done with the thing, it feels successful. You're like, I'm proud of myself. I did that. That was, let's do it again. Like that's good. Like this feels good. Whereas the opposite, if you were in the passive zone, sure, that's the easy choice in terms of, you know, effort, exertion. But that's so frustrating when you get to the end of it and you realize I didn't do much. It's like a momentum thing, right? And it's like, I think this comes back to the, at the end of the day is you, everyone, this is such a cliche. Everyone has 24 hours in their day, right? The passive person will, I think, look at those hours and be like, okay, they're empty.

And so I'll just fill them with whatever. Like, I'm just going, you know, I'm going to do an hour by hour. I'm going to do my life week by week, month by month, year by year. And you just end up looking back and being like, okay, but there was all these opportunities for me to actually change something. There were all these opportunities for me to make a small change one day, a bigger change the next, and see a completely different path for myself. Whereas I think somebody who is like actively choosing what they want for their life sees time, not as space, but as opportunity to be like great like this is what I want to do this is who I want to be this is like what I want to work on this is like I want to do better by my health so like there are all these

hours in which I can go and exercise and all these hours in which I can like choose to eat better foods in which I can go to the doctor and I can like take care of myself and I can stretch whereas a passive person is like well this is empty space so if that comes up maybe we'll do it so I think it is about being like yes it's not all about long term goals it's not always about overworking yourself. It's not always about using every single hour to be the best version of yourself because eventually you will burn out. It's about being like, this is what I want for my life. Where does this fit into my day? And where can I make space and time for this so that this isn't just whatever happens. This is like a day that I have created. Because like how you choose to live your

days is how you live your life, right? At the end of the like at the end of your life, at the end of your month at the end of the week, like all of that comes down to these small units and these small decisions that we need to make. And it's kind of like, are you choosing the decision that you're going to look back on and either A, not remember or regret, or are you choosing the decision that you're going to be like, I'm really glad I did that. I'm really proud of myself, even if it was hard. You know, sometimes it's even just like changing your narrative and how you speak to yourself. I think there is a huge power in the shift from saying, I want to be something versus I am something. Even if it's a huge power. I think.

it's like a fake it till you make it kind of thing your mindset and your self-belief drives everything. And I think that's on our show, that's something that almost every topic, we can find a way to drill back to your belief in yourself, your relationship with yourself, because it's the difference between like, oh, I, like, I want to be healthier. But that is putting it as like a future thing. Like, oh, that's something that I have to, I have to start someday. I have to achieve. versus saying like, oh, I'm healthy, I make healthy choices. Even just saying that now you're like 50% of the way there because you've already gone over the hurdle of your mind just by saying that.

Now you can do it. Like saying like I'm confident. I'm healthy. I'm a good friend. I'm hardworking. Like think about how much more powerful it is instead of saying, oh, I need to stop procrastinating. And then you're telling yourself, oh, that's a task I have to take on in the future is to teach

myself how to stop procrastinating. And so then you just stay in that same passive zone, procrastinating, procrastinating, procrastinating. versus being like, I'm hardworking. I'm going to get this done and make myself proud. Like, just that shift of the narrative and the way that you say things is enough to take the same activity and change it from a passive thing to an active thing. So it kind of comes back to how we started this episode, whereas like, it doesn't mean I'm adding more into my life and making it as busy as possible, but it's like, how am I being present in my life and taking these same 24 hours, these same necessary tasks, this same free time, and just making it my own versus letting it

happen to me. It's such a mental game, honestly. Yeah. As you said, it's mental more than it is material in many ways. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Jemma, you said the word momentum earlier, and that I think is really huge because there's so much to be said about the momentum of doing one active thing in your life and how much

that can completely shift your presence and change everything else you do. I think for everyone listening who wants kind of that first step forward of being more active, it's like, what's one thing that you can do first thing in the morning to make yourself feel more active? Maybe do you roll out of bed and immediately look on your phone and get sucked into everyone else's life and everyone else's world? Maybe the first thing you can do is like put your own, literally like put your own feet on the ground and like drink a glass of water or just stand up and turn your own light on.

Like some action that just makes you feel like you're doing something in control. Or maybe you have like an hour before the day and you can take a shower or you can make yourself a good breakfast. You can get out for a walk. I think if you can do one thing in the beginning of the day that makes you feel active, then the rest of your day you're going to feel so much more confident and you're going to feel so much more present in it that like I even think about the difference between a day where because, you know, every day is a little bit different for me. Sometimes I'm up and I'm out of and I have a super productive day. Sometimes I'm sleeping in and I'm feeling kind of lazy. If I'm having a day where I like sleep in and lazy in the morning, don't really get out, then I feel like when I do get out, I'm just kind of like trudging through my day,

checking the boxes versus if I have a day where like, you know, the first thing I do is, you know, get some fresh air outside or do something good for me. Then suddenly I'm like, you know, I'm walking down the street feeling like I'm literally running the city. Even if I'm doing the exact same things that I'm doing in the other day. can build a little bit of momentum with taking control of one small aspect of your life in the beginning, it really just gives you this sense of authority over your life. Even if you have boxes you have to check for work or for school or for anything else, it just makes you feel like you know, you're doing it. You're not just getting through it. And that's the thing you're doing

it. This is you, right? Like, that's the thing that we keep coming back to. And I feel like as we kind of like wrap things up, like that's the center of all of this. And it's. And it's the center of all of this. is your choices, your time, your decisions, your values. That's like, that's what it is at its core. It's about not doing things for anybody else but yourself, not doing things for anybody else's expectations, not doing things from the place of kind of your worst self or the self that you don't really like,

doing it from the best version of you and you're like ideal self. So I want to say big thank you to both of you for coming. I'm going to say back on the show. This is the first episode people will be hearing. Thank you for joining me again and for kind of talking through this. I feel like this is such like a very liberating and like inspiring, motivating topic to cover. Where can the listeners find you if they want to hear more? Yeah.

Well, they can check out our show Girls with Goals on Spotify, Apple, wherever you listen to podcasts. We also have an Instagram page at Girls with GoalsPod, but our personal accounts are going to be Carolyn Canine and Catherine Canine. And that's both Instagram, TikTok. Thank you so much for having us on again. We recorded back and forth a few times and every single time has been great. So this is awesome. And we really appreciate it. Yeah, yeah.

I love the way that you approach your episodes and you always have so much great tangible advice. but it's also very comforting and approachable for everyone who listens. And so I'm glad that we were able to come on and share this topic with you. I think it was a great conversation from both ends. Thank you so much. Yeah, I'm a big fan of it. So I will leave all of their links in the description of this episode so you can go and follow along with what Girls with Goals are doing.

It's an amazing show. I personally really enjoy it. And if you like what we talked about today, you'll find so much more of it there. So thank you so much for listening. Make sure that you're following along on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening. And if you enjoyed this episode, share it with a friend or leave a five-star review. It really does help the show to grow and reach new people. As always, we'll be back next week.

Until then, stay safe, be kind, and we'll talk soon. On the Look Back at it podcast. In 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84's big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here. unpack what went down and try to make sense of how we survived it

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You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host Kier Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest, conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax.

this particular test twice Ms. Owens, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Gillespie and. Michael Marengi. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young.

This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%.

I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO% on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast, Guaranteed Human.