The Psychology of your 20s - 202. Body dysmorphia

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

All of us have insecurities when it comes to our appearance, but what happens when these become obsessive and a point of fixation? In today's episode we break down the psychology and pathology of body dysmorphia, including:  The origins in childhood experiences Family history and influence  The differences in expression between men and women The relationship between body dysmorphia and cosmetic surgery  The influence of toxic gym, diet culture and 'bigorexia' How false beliefs influence behaviour  Dating with body dysmorphia, and more Listen now!  Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the signs of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person.

Listen to 2%. that's TWO percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it.

With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black. black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you're not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to.

Listen and learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Ellen's, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through. the same thing. Greg Alessian.

Michael Ranjini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our 20s, of your 20s. Before we begin, a brief trigger warning that this episode does deal with some fairly in-depth discussions around weight loss, weight gain, appearance, and eating disorders. So please do just take a second to consider whether you are in a healthy mental space, a healthy mindset to be listening to this right now. This episode will still be here in a few days, in a week, in a few months, so you can always return to it when the time is right, when the time is better. let's get into it. Today we are going to be talking about a pretty vulnerable topic, one that has, I think especially serious implications for our mental health, both in our 20s and beyond and even

before. And it can also just be such a present and overwhelming shadow in our lives. Our thoughts, our feelings, our opinions about our body do have this incredible capacity to really influence every other area of our daily life, of our existence, of our values, of our relationships. And yet we really do tend to kind of keep it out of the light of day. We really avoid discussing this openly because I think of, you know, well, shame and how hard it is to come out and say, you know, at the moment I really dislike my body, I really hate some part of me or I'm fixated on my appearance and I don't know how to stop it. I think it's also what it comes down to is embarrassment as well as shame.

The sense that caring this much about your looks is somehow, you know, vapid or vain, when actually it goes so much deeper than what other people might want to label it. It is and can be very disordered, a very disordered pattern of thinking. And beyond that, something that is hugely and largely beyond our control. I've come to realize the more I also choose to speak more openly about this experience, how many of us are struggling with some form of negative and harsh thinking about our bodies, about our weight, about our appearance. But you wouldn't think that, given how much we have trained ourselves and society has trained us to be silent about it. Beyond that, it hasn't just trained us to be silent. it's also trained us to view and treat our body like it is a constant work in progress

rather than something that we can just be satisfied with as it is. So consider this your safe space. We're going to discuss everything to do with this today, specifically the topic of body dysmorphia and what that actually means. I think we hear a lot of people talk about how, you know, they are dissatisfied with their appearance, with their weight. is that always body dysmorphia or can we just have symptoms without a diagnosable condition? The other point that people mention is how it's really difficult to even be able to tell what we look like,

how a lot of us are really struggling with just a genuine acknowledgement of our appearance and how other people see us. Is that body dysmorphia or is that something else? What is the actual, I would say, pathology and criteria behind BDD? body dysmorphic disorder. So we're going to discuss all of that, including the origins of this condition, what makes us more susceptible,

including the impact of toxic gym and diet culture, how it manifests the impact, but also some stories from you guys, the listeners, who were really vulnerable and open about their personal experiences. And I also just want to talk more generally about what it means to really dislike your body without having BDD.

and why that is becoming increasingly more common and what we can actually do about it. What are ways of interrupting this really negative belief system that our appearance is really at the core of our worth or matters more than it does? So we have so much to talk about, so much research, so much science, and of course, so much psychology. So without further ado, let us get into it. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.

I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inundated. inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships,

and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO% on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people.

I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with a little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill,

waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack all day, but just so you're just so you. y'all know. I mean, at this point, this is the second episode where we've discussed Craig, so I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. So, you're finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing,

we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing and we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns. Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth,

or are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free iHeartRadio app.

Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so much, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for.

Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Gregal, Westby and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police.

As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Body dysmorphia is one of those conditions that I think we've all heard about, which is definitely and largely misunderstood. So to start off with, I just want to get our kind of basics down pat, what actually is BDD. So BDD, body dysmorphic disorder, is a mental health condition. and it's a lot more than feeling occasionally negative about your body.

It is an entire pattern, roundabout cycle, maze, inescapable maze of negative emotions, negative perceptions and negative feelings that are all directed towards your appearance. And what it really involves is an obsessive focus and shame and anxiety around some perceived flaw in our appearance. this often very small feature of us. It could be, you know, some feature of our face, our physique, muscle mass, our skin, a combination of all of those things, our weight, our height. And this small feature becomes a preoccupation, regardless of whether it is real or imagined,

no matter how small it is. So when I say real or imagined, I mean that this thing that we really dislike about ourselves, you know, it could be so tiny and abasurable. obscure that no one else would ever notice it. But for us, it feels like a huge part of who we are. It feels like we exist in the world and as we are existing, this huge spotlight is highlighting to ourselves and everybody around us this feature that we really don't like. Even when others say that we look amazing, they compliment us. They say we look lovely. They reassure us that no one is noticing this floor that we are focused on, we can't believe them. There is a part of us that is

quite honestly delusional and constantly tells us that all these other people must be lying. They just can't see it. They must be blind in some way. And so we continue to have this hyper focus on this floor and we normally resort to repetitive behaviours in order to kind of self-soothe or regain some control over this aspect of our appearance that is causing mental tension. So these behaviours are things like always checking ourselves in the mirror, constant mirror checking, constant grooming and touching or skin picking, only choosing clothes that will hide this feature or part of yourself. So these are actually called BDD safety behaviours and they're one step above avoidance whereby they make us feel like we have control over what part of us is being made

visible to others and therefore we can control the judgments that we assume people are making about us based on this feature. So it's not just that we have a fixation on this floor. It's not just that we have this personal spotlight. It's also that in order to be meeting the criteria of BDD, you have to become obsessed with how you can fix it. In our minds, if the floor was to disappear or suddenly go away, so would all of our mental distress. And so we are always searching or coming up with a plan to erase this part of us, whether that is through excessive exercise, intense skincare routines, or cosmetic surgery. So cosmetic surgery has a really important kind of place in this disdise.

now that I've kind of brought it up, what I found was really interesting when I was really digging into this research is that whilst only about, I would say, three to five percent of the general population has BDD, and that's even like quite a generous statistic. It's probably sitting at around 3.5 amongst people who pursue cosmetic interventions, not just surgery, but fillers, injections, non-invasive procedures. That prevalence. of BDD in that population rises to almost 25%. So depending on how you feel about cosmetic surgery, you may think that this could provide some relief to people with BDD.

It's almost like a treatment, right? You know, if they're experiencing so much shame associated with their appearance, here is this fix. But on the other hand, this is a multi-billion dollar industry that makes its money on exacerbating and preying on these insecurities and the purported ability to kind of fix them. We have to remember, BDD is a mental disorder, not a physical disorder. The problem is with cosmetic intervention is that it actually often makes people with body dysmorphic

disorder feel worse or actually just the same after the procedure. They may even become more preoccupied with the perceived flaw because it has just changed. It hasn't gone away. And they can seek further cosmetic procedures leading to at times an addiction. So something that really fascinated me about this kind of interaction between body dysmorphic disorder and cosmetic surgery is the study that said that, yes, a lot of people who pursue cosmetic surgery would actually meet the criteria for this mental condition. But more so, they are actually also the people that are most likely to take legal action against surgeons. Because even when the surgeon in their mind has fixed this floor, you know, it hasn't gone away just because it's, you know, physical form has changed. This feature of us is once again a preoccupation that it's coming from

something that is kind of mentally disturbed or mentally, I don't like to say broken, mentally different is probably a better way. Mentally disordered, right? It's just not an accurate reflection of what we actually look like. It's not an accurate reflection of our physical form. So it doesn't actually matter if that feature of us changes. So obviously not everybody with BDD is going to to seek out cosmetic surgery, but I think it does really reveal to us how hard it is to control such a loud and persistent thoughts about our body and why it does seem that drastic measures will be the only solution to silence them. This is often why as well BDD is compared to parallel disorders like OCD and eating disorders. I feel like that one might have come to mind for you

almost immediately. And these disorders in particular have a high comorbidity with BDD. That means that often, not often, but, you know, it's not uncommon for people to have a dual diagnosis. So for these two things to be appearing at the same time, for somebody to have BDD and an eating disorder or OCD and BDD. So the comparison to OCD really emerges because of the excessive fixation, which results in compulsive behaviors, which really kind of.

which really kind of follows a similar format to how OCD manifests. However, with body dysmorphia, it's really solely based on an obsession and a compulsion to do with appearance. So the link to eating disorders is also quite a common one. If someone is that disgusted, I would say almost tormented by their appearance. Sometimes this can really manifest in disordered eating habits, you know, wanting to control. this aspect of yourself through whatever behavior or means necessary. But it's also important to remember that a lot of people with BDD do actually just have quite normal eating patterns. Like, you can have BDD without abnormal eating. It's also interesting because people who are experiencing

anorexia or binge eating disorder or bulimia, yes, they may find that this has resulted from initial feelings of like extreme dissatisfaction and fixation with some people. received flaw, but also another component of this is that sometimes there is, you know, behaviors like restricting food or excessive exercising or purging can also emerge simply from a place of control, not just bodily modification, which is why I think BDD is really deserving of its own separate diagnosis. All right, so let's talk about risk factors here. There are obviously some people who are a lot more susceptible to this than others like most mental health conditions. And when we talk about mental health conditions and we talk about who's at risk, the biggest thing

it mostly comes down to or always comes back to in some sense is family history. If someone in your close or your immediate family has endured BDD, your chances go up quite a bit. this you know it comes down to genetic predisposition but also exposure and life experiences you know if that individual with BDD was a parent their own experience with this condition is going to influence how they raise you and how they parent you as much as they may try for it not to you know if this kind of condition goes untreated it does have the impact of bleeding into all these other aspects of our lives, including our relationships. So, for example, I heard from someone who spoke about how their mother was obsessed with slimness for all her life. She would endure these, like, drastic

diets. She got multiple surgeries in the pursuit of this small body, this small physique. She would always comment on her weight to others. She really never seemed happy, regardless of the results. So definitely meeting the criteria for BDD here. And as a child, this person's about how her mother really implanted a lot of those beliefs in her through the way that she, you know, controlled her as a parent. She would, you know, control her food, for example. She would choose flattering clothes and colors for her and tell her these are the colors that you should wear or you can't wear those things. They make you look fat. She was constantly, you know, commenting on her skin, especially as she hit puberty and developed acne. And this person said to me,

you know, two years ago, I got the same diagnosis that my mom had gotten. And sometimes I think how much of it was genetic and how much of it was environmental and was my, you know, the environment of my upbringing. Because in those situations, how are you meant to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem? How are you meant to detach your appearance from your self-worth? When that kind of preoccupation is being passed down to you by the person in your life that matters the most to you as a child, which is your caregiver. This kind of example, and I don't like to say example, this person's experience here, they're very much personal experience, really demonstrates to me as well how negative life experiences also play a really crucial role, especially experiences like

childhood bullying, like neglect, like teasing, like abuse. So I actually have a story about this that is from my own life that I've never really shared before on this show. You know, it never really came up. But it is one of my earliest and most lucid memories from childhood. It's also one of those moments that really goes to show how, you know, passing words can really leave quite a lifelong mark. So when I was around seven, six or seven years old. I used to always go to out of after school hours care. Like, I don't know if that's a thing everywhere in the world, but, you know, both my parents were working. And so I like stayed at the school a little bit longer with like other kids whose parents were also working or also had

things to do. And we were watching this movie with a bunch of other kids called the little princess. And this boy turns to me and he goes, you know, you look, you would look just like her if you weren't so fat. I have never been able to shake those words. Even till this day, they have left such an imprint on me. It was like the first time that I ever felt shame about my body. And I think when I was a teenager, now as an adult, my whole life, my weight has been a point of fixation for me. There has never been a period of my life where I've been satisfied with how I look or how my way, how I feel in my body. And I often wonder whether that would have been different if that hadn't happened. Because it was almost like this new, you know, it was almost like that was the beginning.

Like I became conscious of everything that I could change that I didn't like about myself and the fact that people could observe these things that I didn't like about myself and could make judgments or mean comments to me about my appearance and it mattered. It's also really, really interesting to me how that continues to come up as a problem for me in my life. I posted like this random video on my Instagram a few weeks ago. If you follow me over there, I think you'll know which one it is. And it reached an audience that I basically like didn't intend it to. Like it went semi-viral. And the audience was, you know, men in their like 30s and 40s who didn't, you didn't agree with what I was saying. And as always goes with those situations if like a middle-aged man

doesn't agree with what you're saying. The first thing they're going to resort to doing is making a comment about your weight or your appearance. And oh my gosh, did I not get hundreds of them? And they were awful. And the only thing I could think of was, oh my God, this is just like this all over again. It brought me right back to that version of me who was first really made aware that her body wasn't just there to climb and to run and to play and to giggle and to eat yummy foods. It was there to be judged. Those early life experiences might seem very far in the past, but they definitely linger,

especially since BDD typically starts, you know, in our early teen years when everything is so formative, but also when those childhood experiences and memories are a lot more fresh and we are a lot more impressionable. So there are some other risk factors, including personality traits like perfectionism. if we are of course preoccupied with being flawless in every other area of our life, of course our appearance is going to come into that.

You know, the existence of even a tiny perceived floor, a bad skin day, stretch marks, a facial feature that can really disrupt our whole identity and be quite distressing. I will say something that is not a factor here is gender. So with eating disorders, for example, there is, you know, typically a much high, prevalence amongst women. It's normally around three times the rates that we would see in men for things like anorexia and bulimia. But for BDD, men and women, people of all genders are influenced the same. It just expresses itself quite differently. One area that this is really evident to me is when it comes to weight. Women typically want to be thinner, whereas men want more muscle. They're

preoccupied with gaining weight. Obviously this isn't always the case, but I do think that it's a distinction that we can really see when we just look around ourselves, when we just compare what our male friends versus our female friends complain about when it comes to their size. So in the DSM, there is even a specifier around this particular kind of BDD that results from muscle dysmorphia, whereby somebody is really engrossed with the idea that their body build is too small. They are not muscular enough to be seen as, I don't know, manly or to be seen as big enough or worthy enough or like strong enough, whatever it is. This in my mind can also be really attributed to, I would say, a rise in toxic gym culture and this idea of big

erectia. Now, this is a term that I learned from a recent article by The Guardian. And they talk about like how, you know, we all know what anorexia is. This is a play on word. And, and anorexia is typically associated with the pursuit of smallness and thinness, whereas bigorexia is this pursuit of being as huge as possible. And in this article, they spoke to some, you know, guys and some women as well, but mainly men about the lengths that they are willing to go to to achieve this. And how, no matter how many people say, wow, like, you are so huge, you're massive. Like, every time they look in the mirror, they do not see that.

they see themselves as tiny. And this one man in this article was talking about how he would like eat. The only thing he would eat would be like chicken breasts and protein sources. And he was like I looked amazing. Like in my mind, I looked so huge. But I was so unhealthy and like his kidneys started failing and his liver started failing. And I think that that really comes down to this crucial point, which is that this obsession with a muscular body is largely ignored because it's seen as healthy

or a worthwhile bodily pursuit because, you know, what's unhealthy about strength and what's unhealthy about spending time in the gym? What's unhealthy with fueling your body in this optimal way? What's unhealthy about protein? And I think a lot of people experiencing this, witnessing this would be quick to highlight how easy it is for this to tip. into very unhealthy and maladaptive terrain, how this is just another version of an unrealistic or an extreme expectation for our body image that is promoted by certain in-groups

and certain cultures and certain aspects of society. So this distinction, this general distinction is, I think, between weight loss and weight gain for different genders, is essentially a reflection of what society expects from men and women. You know, the beauty ideals that each, gender is very much forced to endure. And we can't ignore that component, the influence of our social conditioning and how we have been taught to hate our bodies, not instinctually, but through external influence. So BDD, I think is what I would call a modern day disorder, because it really

has arisen mainly in the last 100 years, probably even 20 to 50 years specifically. And it's really emerged as some researchers would say from the fact that we now have more comparison points than ever to judge ourselves based on. And we are increasingly being exposed to this messaging around what we should look like and what is not desirable. This is because things like TV, advertising, social media, they have made us more aware of the social norms around attraction and what society sees as beautiful or not. Secondly, they have exposed us to what other people look like, meaning, of course, more opportunities to come up short and compare. And finally, you know, the media users looks and appearance as something through which they can

influence and sell us things. And so, let's be honest, they benefit from us not feeling great. They benefit from us seeing a beautiful person on TV and wanting whatever skin care product that they're using or seeing, you know, a huge, huge guy on some superhero movie and admiring not just this plot line and this narrative around him being a hero, but the fact that he looks so great. And the fact that we could copy his workout routine and the fact that he is like this really jacked, cool guy.

And the sociocultural theory of self-esteem would tell you that the message is given to us by the media about the importance of appearance and what is hot and what is attractive and what looks good, they are so easily internalized by us as individuals, and they also so easily influence how we treat ourselves, our standards, our habits, and our behaviors. I think as we feel more pressure to conform with that, we become more aware once again of the aspects of ourselves that we feel will be judged based on prevailing norms of attraction.

If I am not thin, does that mean I will be unhappy? If I am not bigger, if I don't fix my nose, if I don't fix my skin, does that mean that I will never find love? Will they consider me for this job if my hair is thinning? If I'm too frail, if whatever, my teeth aren't straight. and all of it comes back to this idea, this irrational belief that the secret to happiness is our appearance. I want to share another person's experience here because I think they articulated it so well in a much better way than I ever could. I've struggled with body dysmorphia and eating disorders since I was 12.

I'm 22 now. Last year I started recovery and treatment after being at my lowest with my symptoms, so I had the urge of seeking help. it's been a tough journey and very difficult to accept the diagnosis. The mind-blowing thing is that almost my entire adolescence, and early adult years, I thought life was about my weight, appearance, and body composition. And I made it till now, just like that, fitting so perfectly into society, and no one noticed that something was going on. What I'd like to emphasise is that just because weight loss and obsession with appearance

is culturally normalized in our society, doesn't mean that it is healthy or even pleasurable at all. I've been in this mental prison for years, losing time, missing experiences, people that I will never regain. I really hope that we could move towards a more inclusive society in terms of body norms, to not feel like the only way to fit in is through a stereotype of beauty that is unachievable.

Unachievable. I love that this individual, firstly thank you so much for sharing and it's that was like kind of emotional when I first read that but secondly I like that you finished on that because so many of our you know of the examples that fuel our body dysmorphia are the 1% are due to like crazy amazing genetics are due to something that we could never change and at times or even due to somebody who themselves has body dysmorphia and who is you know undergoing some you know crazy surgery. and crazy efforts to fix the part of themselves that we are sitting back and admiring.

So I really think that it is such a weird mess around where if everybody's experiencing this, the person that we are probably comparing ourselves to is probably looking at us or looking at somebody else and wanting what they have as well. So, you know, the norm is constantly evolving and yet we're constantly chasing the sense of, again, that appearance equals happiness. All right, we're going to take a short break, but when we come back, I want to discuss whether body dysmorphia is more prevalent than we think, but also how we can kind of move through some of the stress, dissatisfaction, worry, anxiety around our appearance.

Stay with us. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry.

We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world, are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%.

That's TWO%. On the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush

got to do a little kill. Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so you y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes.

I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade. of my own experience in the mental health field

and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough.

Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross. Because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth. Are you a good person? because you're afraid. Because that's two different intentions, bro.

Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free iHeartRadio app.

Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so much.

I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian, Michael Marantini. My mind was blown.

I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Maricopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There is an important to see.

distinction here between BDD and having the occasional negative perception about our body. And it is an important one because I would go so far as to say that nearly every single one of us has something that they want to change about how we look, but we aren't really going to drastic measures to do that. You know, maybe that doesn't qualify us as having a mental health condition. However, I think just because it's not as intense as it is for people with body dysmorphia doesn't make hating your body easy. It is so difficult to wake up in a body that you increasingly do not like or find problem with because that is your home.

You know, as the incredible Emma Thompson says, that is your vessel. There is no escaping that you will exist in this body and no one else is until the day that you die. So hating how you look and how you feel quickly evolves into hating yourself, almost instantly. because the two things, you know, yourself or your soul and your appearance, your body, they're very hard to separate. So I wanted to hear from you guys, the listeners around the world, around just how many of us are experiencing this kind of daily dislike, how endemic it is.

Because whilst I think we can all recognize the, you know, the universality of worry and dissatisfaction towards our appearance, I don't think we talk about it enough. And I think that having a general and a more like kind of, bird's eye view of just how many of us are going through this is quite comforting. So I kind of wanted to just siphon it down to the area of like weight loss because I feel like, or weight change, more like it, weight loss or weight change. Because I think that weight is something that most of us have a general insecurity about compared to more unique things about ourselves that are probably different between each of us. You know, it's kind of hard to talk about like, oh, would you want

to change that unique scar? Or would you want to change that? Do you want a nose job? Like when people you know that's yeah big insecurity but not as prominent as weight is for all of us so you know it's kind of sad to say it but weight dissatisfaction is a bit of a human equalizer that's why i chose it so out of almost two thousand of you 70% of you said that in the past year you had thought about losing weight nearly every month and for those of you who said every month shockingly it was like 47% of that faction who said that you thought about it every day. Every day, some nearly 50% of you said every day that weight loss is on your mind, clouding your thoughts and your judgment.

I want you to like genuinely think about this for a second. Is there any other worry or insecurity that we all share as much as that one? You know, as we are all going about our daily lives, we each have our own unique set of problems. we each have, you know, work deadlines, we each have relationship issues, we each have small anxieties, small to do-lis. And the one thing that seems to, you know, bind us all together is that in this small reality, that is our own reality, all of us are sharing this collective thought that we don't like

how we look and that we want to lose weight. Like I was thinking about this the other day when I was on the train and I was looking around, it was like a pack train and I was like, how many people here right now have thought, about dieting today. How many people on this train have, you know, put on their jeans in the morning and been like, oh gosh, I really probably should lose a few. Like, and that's just crazy to me because you would look at all these people and, you know, if the statistics that I got from you guys are saying it, that's like 50% of those people on that train have thought about it that day. And yet I wouldn't have been able to tell you that that's what they were thinking. And yet I would

thought that I would be the only one because our own lives just feels so unique and so isolated. Beyond that, the other interesting question I asked you guys was whether you think that weight loss or a change in your size weight gain for some people would make you happier. And 67% of you said yes. Is there any other factor in our life in which two thirds of us would put our hands up and say, if that changed, I would be happier. Maybe like winning a million dollars. Maybe like finding the love of your life.

But both of those things are like additions, right? Weight loss is this thing, this subtraction that we believe is suddenly going to like open a whole new world to us. It's suddenly going to eliminate so much, I guess, insecurity, so much like hate that we have for ourselves. And I think that right there is where the core problem in this lies. The problem is that we have these. delusions that take over that insidiously tell us that if we just looked like her, if we just

you know, lost that last killer or fix this small thing, gain some more muscle, our whole life would change. And so until then, there's nothing else we can do. Until then, until this miracle occurs, until this thing is fixed, we just kind of have to endure a less than happy reality. this thinking which I think most commonly we don't even adopt by choice also causes us to very much intrinsically tie our value to our appearance and that is what influences our behaviours. If your worth, if my worth is only activated when I think I look good, when that is not the case, why let myself be seen? Why believe I am deserving of happiness? Why feel happy? And we spoke about this briefly before, but to return to an example of this that I find particularly compelling

is the experience of thinking that we need to look a certain way before dating, that no one could possibly love us at this size or this shape or this composition. And so our appearance is like almost this thing that we need to sort out before putting ourselves out there because we kind of realize that when we like put ourselves out into the romantic world, something that we're going to be evaluated on is appearance. And so the problem is, is that we begin to firstly overestimate the likelihood that others are going to respond to our appearance in a negative way. Secondly, we underestimate our ability to cope if they did. You know, if somebody doesn't like what you look like, is that the end of the world? If you have this fixation on your appearance and this

sense that it's tied to your worth, then of course it's going to matter. But thirdly, we really tend to discount any information which kind of suggests that things are not going to go as bad as we predicted. You know, when we're dating, we overlook all the times that people did find us really attractive. We overlook all the times that we were complimented and we just continue to think that if we were to be seen, if we were to be perceived, we would not be loved. And that just really, really broke my heart to just like even consider, to even say just then. These negative and false beliefs really follow us into every corner of our lives. And the thing is, is that they are entirely incorrect.

This idea that your appearance determines your worthiness of love, your worthiness of opportunity, of success of happiness is a false belief. And you know how I know that these beliefs are incorrect is because all the of us are thinking them and none of us think that they are true for anybody but ourselves. None of us would for a second believe that one of our friends, you know, is unworthy of love or dates or affection because, you know, they didn't get a nose job when they were 16. Not a single person listening to this would tell their friend to not go for a job until they'd lost a few kilos. You know, have you ever heard somebody look at their partner and say,

Yeah, sorry, babe, you know, I'm not going to say I love you until you fix those freckles or until you like gain some more muscle. No, because that is ridiculous. When we say it out loud, when we say it in the context of somebody else, that is ridiculous. And let's be honest, it's also incredibly toxic and harsh and dangerous. We would never say that to somebody else. And that's like a major red flag. If somebody ever even suggested that, it would be like the end of that relationship.

and yet we have no problem believing those things about ourselves, saying it to ourselves, you know, demolishing our self-esteem and self-worth, the way that we would never do to somebody that we loved. And you know what's even worse is that it doesn't even feel like it's in our control. You know, that internal voice, that inner critic that is so loud and it does so much harm is something that we never quite feel like is part of us, right? It feels like this external thing that is within us that pops up,

that we didn't even consciously want to hate our body or hate our appearance today. And yet here we are doing it. So what's next? If we have accepted that this is something that we are dealing with that is holding us back, that is causing us social anxiety, causing us avoidance, causing us to hold off on life, what can we change? What can we actually do?

Well, I drew some stuff from both the research and the psychology. the science, but also my own experience is to really guide us through. I think this past year for me has been a journey of body recognition. And, you know, I say recognition rather than acceptance or positivity, and I say that deliberately, because I really wanted it to be quite a neutral experience for me. You know, I didn't need to learn to love every part of myself straight away. That felt like a lot of pressure. I didn't need to celebrate the things immediately that I, you know, disliked for so many years because it felt artificial to, you know, do that overnight. It also felt like a huge hill to climb. So the first step was actually just getting comfortable with recognizing

what my body actually looked like, actually recognizing, you know, my features, not choosing to obscure them or cover them, not looking away from mirrors or buying clothes that I knew were going to be the wrong size. You know, I had this awful habit of always buying clothes that were always buying clothes that were like genuinely two to three sizes too big for me because I didn't want to deal with the idea of like not fitting into something and thinking that I gained weight. Like I told myself to stop doing that. I actually figured out what my size was, what I actually looked like. And it didn't matter whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

It was a neutral. It was an honest process of just again recognition. Like the way I always put this to other people was that I was observing a painting and the colors, the technique, the shadow. the textures, and I wasn't saying anything about whether I liked that painting or not. I wasn't saying anything about how I would have done it differently. I was just observing. The second element, I think, that comes after being committed to seeing your body for what it

actually is, neither positively or negatively, is noticing your unhelpful appearance, assumptions or judgments, and really interrogating where they came from. Was it because you experienced, as we talked about negative events in the past, that came back and were tied to kind of a trauma around appearance? Was it that, you know, where did you learn this from? What was the experience where you first remember having a recognition that you didn't like how you looked and who told you that? Who said something?

What did you say to yourself? Is there something that you tell yourself that you must or should do in order to avoid judgment about your appearance? Why is that? Why do you tell yourself, oh, you know, I can't wear those kinds of. of jeans or like, oh no, I can't go to work without wearing makeup. Oh, you know, no, I need to get my eyelashes done on my hair dyed once a month. Why do you feel the need to do that? What negative predictions do you have around what would happen if you didn't do those things? And to go one step

further, it's, you know, what is the worst thing that could occur from somebody actually noticing that floor that I try so hard to hide and I try so hard to obscure? what is the worst thing truly the worst thing that could come from somebody judging me based on my appearance they could not like you i know it sounds so obvious to say that is the worst that could happen they could just not like you they could not what give you attention they couldn't they might not give you something that you want from them but if that is a friend a love interest a colleague whoever if that is how they judge or they value you is based on your appearance if that is how they determine what you are deserving of, I have a feeling that that relationship wasn't going to

last that long anyways. And I have a feeling that it wasn't going to be particularly fruitful. So is it actually a loss? Is it truly a loss that this person couldn't look past the most uninteresting thing about you, which is your appearance to the thing that really exists below the surface. This whole process is about really taking your irrational beliefs about your body to their final conclusion. What is the darkest place that they could go? Stop there and really assess whether that is as bad, you know, as as you tend to believe. Because often we just have this belief and we avoid really thinking about what it is that's sustaining it. And when we actually look at the underlying fears that we have and we realize how untrue or how unnecessary they are, we escape from

our initial compulsions. I would also say find a way to feel good in your body that doesn't have the primary goal of changing it. For example, when you exercise, instead of thinking about calories, about muscle growth, about weight loss, broaden your focus to how much better it makes you feel mentally. When you're choosing clothes, instead of always thinking about what's flattering first, think about what you would wear if you were the person you most admired. What would you dress the hottest person alive in? And why not wear those clothes yourself? Someone was telling me how they used to really see doing their makeup as a way to conceal

and now they see it as a way to be creative, right? It's that mindset shift of focusing on what makes you feel confident despite the dysmorphia and doing more of that. retraining your brain to remember that your appearance is once again not tied to your value. There is something that matters more and that is how you feel about the world. That's feeling good in yourself. That's feeling healthy. That's your kindness, your creativity, your intelligence, your well-being.

All of those come above. So some final tips and some lightning round advice. Every day try and find one thing to compliment about yourself that is not looks based to kind of steer your brain and your mind away from centering appearance at the core of everything else and complement others as well. Create more positive reactions in yourself by extending those kind of reactions to those around you as well. Try and break out of the narrative that your body and your appearance has to be a constant work in progress. It can be the final destination. Where you are right now can be the end goal. If your body can do what it needs to do, if it can have fun, if it can move,

if it can dance, if it can laugh, if, you know, if it can love, that's it. Great. It's done everything that it needs to do. You don't need to improve it beyond that. You don't require anything more from it. You don't have any further demands. Speak to your body as if the person you are speaking to is that childhood version of yourself who probably first encountered the belief that they didn't like something about their appearance. If you were, if you knew what you knew now, and you were speaking to that child version of yourself in this moment, what would you be saying?

And are the things that you would be saying to that version of you, that five, six, seven year old version of you, that sweet, innocent person, would you be saying to them what you were saying to yourself? Would you be as harsh? Would you be looking in the mirror, seeing that childhood version of you reflected back and saying, wow, you really need to do something about X,

or you're not going to be happy until you change Y, or like that's revolting, that's disgusting. Of course you wouldn't. So why are you saying that to yourself now? That version of you, that innocent, you know, unashamed version of you still exists and still deserves to be alive and present in the version of you now that is an adult. and every time we are harsh and critical and unkind to ourselves,

I do honestly believe that we kill a little part of us that is quite pure and quite happy. So that is kind of my final reminder for the day. I really hope that this episode has brought you something, whether that is information, whether that is peace, whether that is closure, community, a sense that other people are going through, what you are going through, I promise you are not alone.

This is so much more common. I don't know if that's a good thing, but at least it doesn't feel as solitary. And I just hope that you're taking care of yourself and that you're choosing to be kinder to yourself as a result. So again, thank you for listening. If you did enjoy this episode, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. It really does help the show to grow and to reach new. people. Make sure you are following along. If you liked this episode, we have hundreds more that might be of use, but whatever you're going through. And if you have a suggestion, if you have

feedback, if you have, you know, something you want to say about this episode, you can follow me at that psychology podcast. We would love to hear from you. Until next time, be kind to yourself. Please be gentle with yourself. And we will talk soon. 2%. That's the number of people. who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness,

and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWA% on the I-HartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. on The Look Back at it podcast.

From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me. I'm Sam Jay. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians,

and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to Look Back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all?

You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Keir Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast, In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins.

But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Owens, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian. Michael Mancini. My mind was blown.

I'm Stephanie Young. This is love trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, news, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to LoveTraft podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast. Guaranteed human.