The Psychology of your 20s - 208. Let's talk about coping mechanisms

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

Very few of us ever receive an education on coping. We are taught bad things happen, we are taught pointless math equations, we are taught to grin and bear it, but not effective psychological ways of integrating stressful, painful, frustrating experiences. In this episode, we break down the psychology of coping mechanisms, including:  Problem focused vs. emotion focused coping Maladaptive vs. adaptive coping  Our most common defence mechanisms  How to stop numbing ourselves to our experiences  How to consciously deal with hard things in life  Our coping statements  Freud, Carl Jung and many more  Listen now for a comprehensive deep dive into coping in your 20s and beyond.  Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast  For business enquiries: [e-mail]  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.

Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO. on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed, I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this.

He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the IHart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On The Look Back at it podcast. For 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me.

I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people.

Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host Keer Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you're not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen and learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our 20s. There is a lot going on during this decade and we talk about a lot of it on this podcast, heartbreak, grief,

grief, feeling confused about our future, our careers, our friendships, our relationship with, you know, our families, our bodies, ourselves, the state of the world. But what we don't talk about a lot is how to cope. With so much going on, sometimes we can get really wrapped up in our experiences and our emotions. And the only solution that we have is to begin to rely on some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms. Or we kind of go numb completely and we tune it all out only to really see our emotional and our mental state get worse and worse. But there is, of course, an alternative.

Today, I want to discuss our ways of coping and dealing with whatever it is you have going on your life and our ways of coping in a positive and healthy way. For me, I always see coping mechanisms as like the umbrella in a storm. They shelter us from the worst of the weather in our lives, as cheesy as that sounds. And, you know, the storm doesn't stop. We might still feel a few raindrops. But our coping mechanisms are the thing that shields us. there are so many proactive ways that we can, you know, seriously help ourselves out during tough times or even regular times when things set us back or frustrate us.

And it is so wild to me that in all of our years at school being taught calculus and long division and the history of civilizations that aren't even around anymore, all things that I'm sure are very important. But amongst all of that, we are never really taught how to properly regulate. our emotions and our nervous system. We are never taught effective psychological strategies for managing some of those universal things in our lives, for managing failure or loss or distress. And these are skills that I think everyone could use. I don't think I know everyone could use these. And they are so often neglected or left out of our education or our general knowledge.

And just personally, I believe that you shouldn't need a psychology degree or years of therapy. to know how to make life work best for you. So today, we are going to break down the psychology of coping mechanisms. We are going to talk about the different categories of coping skills and coping mechanisms that we come across from emotion focus to problem focus to adaptive versus maladaptive. You know, here's the thing, not all coping mechanisms are created equal. There are a whole lot of behaviours that may make us feel better in the moment, but which are super detrimental in the long term. Alcohol is a great example of that. You know, yes, it naturally lowers our levels of anxiety and if that was the only thing that we were concerned with, well, then

that's great, but it can also create dependency and addiction. And the same goes for a lot of avoiding coping mechanisms, ignoring the bad situation, just trying to minimize the emotional reaction that we are having rather than actively making our circumstances better or actively trying to improve our mood and improve what's going on around us. I also want to briefly discuss defense mechanisms. I feel like they come up a lot, but there is actually a huge difference between coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms. And finally, the ways that we can really tap into our subconscious to get to the bottom of what's bothering us and really find a way through. So that was a bit of a ramble.

Enough of that. Without further ado, let's talk about the psychology behind our coping mechanisms and how we can make the most out of them. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange

modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people.

I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out. on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam Jay. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down,

and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point,

this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history.

Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Trip Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it.

And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth? Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely.

And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glare. inconsistencies in her story.

This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so-ins, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing.

Greg Alesspian and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona.

Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So let's start super simple and from the beginning. What is coping? What are coping mechanisms? Coping is not just about getting over something and moving on, because by definition, coping is not a passive process. It is an active choice around integrating and recognizing an experience fully, sitting with it and finding a way forward.

It is not pushing it to the sidelines. It's not hoping that it will go away. It is being the person who takes things by the reins and moves through them as hard as they may be. And coping behaviours, coping mechanisms are the tools that we use in that kind of journey, in that battle. Coping behaviours are voluntary and conscious ways of managing stressful situations and events by responding to either our emotions about the problem or the problem itself. It is essentially any way that we choose to manage trauma, to manage stress, pain, anything emotionally unpleasant. And the word conscious and voluntary is super important to focus on here because it is

what distinguishes our coping mechanisms from our defence mechanisms. So in contrast to the very active nature of coping mechanisms, defense mechanisms are unconscious and they occur beyond our level. of awareness, very deep in the mind. The idea behind them is that when something occurs that is anxiety inducing or upsetting or that our conscious mind just simply can't deal with, can't process, our unconscious mind switches into gear and employs a number of backup strategies so that we don't feel the full force of an emotion or a situation. So these defense mechanisms, they were first labeled by Freud, the grandfather of psychoanalytic psychology, but they were actually really articulated by his daughter, Anna.

And Anna often gets left out of a lot of the conversations around the history of psychology and some of the main theories that have come up in the last 100 years, including this one. And she kind of took over like the baton from her father and expanded a lot of his work into what we know it is today. So you've probably heard of a few defense mechanisms in your lifetime even if you have like zero experience with therapy or psychology. Denial is a big one. Being unable to accept reality. That is actually a defense mechanism.

Another one is repression or what we would call motivated for getting, pushing an unpleasant experience very way down subconsciously when we aren't prepared to deal with it. Let me think of a few others of my favorite projection, attributing our unwanted thoughts and feelings to another person. Like, you might not like them very much, but deep down in the hidden parts of your mind, you know that that's not an appropriate thing to feel or admit.

So you end up believing that they don't like you as a way to protect yourself and your unacceptable desires. That's projection. Regression is another one. Revert, you know, reverting back to a less mature version of yourself to deal with a situation that is really, distressing. So those are defense mechanisms. The reason that we want to prioritize coping mechanisms and why they always come out on top here is because they are something that we can control,

whereas our defense mechanisms are something that we can't. They are, you know, stemming from our subconscious, which means that they are automatic. They're often controlled by impulse, by ego, by trauma. And so not entirely beneficial in these circumstances. even if we feel like they're protecting us, even if they are still managing or reducing our stress, defense mechanisms kind of take us out from behind the wheel and put us in the passenger seat. Coping mechanisms make us the driver. So coping mechanisms is where it's at. And you probably know quite a few.

These are things typically like meditation, exercise, nature walks, practicing gratitude, journaling, processing your emotions with a friend. and humor making light of a situation, planning, rationalizing a problem, but then also things like numbing yourself, isolating yourself, binge eating, binge drinking, risk taking. All of these behaviors, the good and the bad, they have an important component. Their performance serves some secondary mental purpose. For example, you might take major risks. to achieve a high that makes the bad feelings feel less sharp.

You journal, not just because you like the look of, you know, the words on the page, but because there is some emotional clarity achieved through this practice, some kind of peace that you are able to voluntarily bring to yourself without waiting for the situation to change. So our pattern of coping mechanisms, that huge list that we just spoke about, they often become quite entrenched and they form a habit, meaning that when something really stressful happens in our lives, we tend to respond to those situations in the same way every single time

because we kind of know what works. We know what makes us feel better. Of course, there's a catch. We think we know what makes us feel better. Sometimes these coping mechanisms that we're using, whether that is exercising, journaling, binge drinking, It's what we learn from our parents. Other times, it's just an emotional reflex.

We responded to a really awful situation once in some kind of way. We responded by talking it out with a friend or we responded by going off and speeding around in our car and it kind of worked. So we learned the association between the behavior, the coping mechanism, and feeling better. And so now that's what we rely on. It's kind of like the analogy I always give is going back to the same mechanic for your car, even if you might be able to get a better price or service elsewhere, because it's just like what you trust and what you know.

And it kind of gets the job done. Even if you know that, you know, there might be a better mechanic who could give you a better price or who could fix your car faster, a better coping mechanism, you become kind of entrapped in what you know and what you've always relied on. For example, I have a really good friend who every time she's frustrated, every time she has to work late, every time she is annoyed at her family, she will switch off her phone and she'll go for a run and it really helps her. It's super effective. But it doesn't work in every circumstance, right? Like if you're on a plane or if you're injured, that's why we need a toolkit of coping mechanisms. We can't just rely on one and the only one that we come back to every time that makes us feel better. For me, you know, I really like like to sit and intellectualize my problems. I don't think that's a surprise. I literally have a psychology podcast where I break down every single thought I ever have. But sometimes, you know, for me, a feeling can't be rationalized. It just needs to be felt, which is why we need a toolkit,

which is why we need multiple coping mechanisms. So regardless of what habits have formed, these all kind of create a coping style. And there are four different. ways that we cope, four different categories that all of these behaviors fall into. So the first one is problem-focused coping. So this addresses the problem causing the distress by planning out a solution or waiting till it's an appropriate time to act. Looking at the problem and kind of realizing that if the problem goes away, if we can find a way to work around it, our stress, our distress, our grief will go away as well. That's problem

focus, the first category. Then we have emotion focused coping. This basically aims to cope by just reducing the negative emotions associated with the problem. You might not actually do anything about the problem. It's just kind of treating how you feel about it. So reframing the situation is something positive. Acceptance. Turning to humor. turning to spirituality or of course suppressing it. Then we have meaning-focused coping, which kind of falls into emotion-focused coping. So under emotion-focused coping, there is meaning-focused and social coping. So meaning-focused is when you and I might use cognitive strategies or some kind of part of our belief

system to make it seem like this situation has some kind of higher meaning to it. So if you hear people say, you know, everything happens for a reason or rejection is just redirection in response to something really awful or unfortunate happening, that is them applying a meaning-focused coping style. And it's their way of pushing through the situation by once again applying some kind of higher belief or higher reasoning to why they're going through that. It makes it like a little bit easier to swallow. And finally, we have a social coping, also known as support seeking, where, you know, we reduce our stress by seeking out the support of friends or family or seeking out others around

us to make us feel better. So the best coping style, not that it's a competition, but it kind of is, the best of the more, the one that gets the gold star every single time, is actually a combination. It is a coping style that incorporates all dimensions of those four different categories. It's problem-focused, emotion-focused, meaning-focused, and we can always pull out social coping if we need it. And it's kind of like a healthy diet. You know, you can't just eat one food group. You can't just really rely on social coping or meaning-focused coping and expect to have the proper nutrition the proper skills. So there's been some really interesting studies recently that I've actually suggested that, you know, having a combination of all of these different types of coping is best, but also

problem-focused coping strategies need to make up the majority. And the reason why is because problem-focused coping mechanisms are what gives us a sense of control over the problem. They are what show us that we have agency, that we can change the outcome of a situation, whereas meaning-focused coping, social coping, emotional coping, they all kind of say, you know, bad things just happen to us and we have to find a way to deal with them, rather than we have some level of control over our circumstances. So, of course, there are certain things that we just, you know, death is one of them, failure is another, they do just happen. And sometimes we do have to be reactive to that and find a way to pull through.

But the reason problem-focused coping is so important is because the rest of those things that occur, you know, all these other circumstances that might happen, failure actually being one of them, right? You fail a test, you fail your driving test, I don't know, you fail an exam, you go through a breakup, whatever it is. There is only so much that dealing with the emotion can help you before you have to think about how you can move on and what kind of strategies you can put in place. Before that happens, the stress is always going to remain in some form and it might return because the other thing that links emotion, social and meaning-based coping is that they are

reactive versus proactive. So what does that mean exactly? Well, coping, like I said, it isn't just about making ourselves feel better in response to an event that is part of it. You know, you really can't do anything if you were paralyzed by fear, regret, pain, stress, so you have to kind of move past that first. But the next level up from that is also doing a favor for our future selves and doing what we can to prevent that situation from happening again, whatever it may be. That is why problem focused coping is known as proactive because it is also protective. So, for example, if you keep getting into fights with your partner and it's extremely distressing and the only way that you can push through it is by, you know, going and having

like a huge rant about it to your friends, you know, involving social coping and then you move on, you are kind of bound to keep having that fight. You are bound to keep going through that cycle. But if you respond by, yeah, firstly, of course, seeking some. support but then also going to counseling or setting boundaries for yourself or taking a step back when you are arguing and realizing it's not working. You're also developing and evolving rather than just making yourself feel better. And I think that's something that I've realized the older that I've gotten. It's not just about, you know, it's not just about always giving myself the benefit of the doubt.

It's not just about always soothing hard things. It's also about. doing things that are going to make my life better in the long term. My future self is just as important in that situation as my current feelings. And I think that that is a perfect kind of segue into talking about another very important distinction, the crucial difference between adaptive coping mechanisms versus maladaptive coping mechanisms. Why is it that sometimes we choose coping mechanisms that are actually self-destructive that actually hurt us more? Like, you know, going and speaking to a friend every time we get into a fight rather than actually trying to improve our relationship. It feels very instinctual. It feels very meaningful, perhaps, in the moment. But why is it that we find

ourselves in these cycles of not actually wanting to perhaps improve our circumstances or not even knowing how to do it? So we're going to talk about that after this short break. Stay with us. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are

freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2% that's TWO percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What? The hell does George Bush got to do a little kill? Well, you can find out on The Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam Jett.

And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so you know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now.

Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games.

And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade. of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Trip Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing.

And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross. Because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth. Are you a good person because you're afraid?

Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Keer Gaines, is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way. Open your free, I Heart Radio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal.

The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so much. I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected.

They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian, and Michael Naranini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences.

Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When something really awful happens or even something frustrating or overwhelming, sometimes all we want to do is distract ourselves and ignore it entirely. We want to completely disengage. That is an example of a maladaptive coping mechanism. Like I said before, right at the very beginning,

not all ways of coping are created equally. Some actually end up doing more harm than good, avoidance as an example. Even if in the moment they serve the primary purpose of making us feel a tad better, sometimes they actually make this situation worse or they make our emotional response to a situation worse in the long term. So that is where the distinction between an adaptive versus maladaptive coping mechanism comes into play. Adaptive coping mechanisms are positive. They help us evolve. They help us grow from a situation, even if it's baby steps. They are what we want. Maladaptive coping mechanisms, they're quite shallow. And they work in the short term, but they do so by hiding the

problem from us. They hide the situation from us by getting us to just focus on dealing with what we're feeling. They also often have negative consequences. Actually, that's a huge factor. They always do. That's what makes them maladaptive. And like I said, they're emotion-based, not problem-based. Let me give you some examples of what I mean here. So I spoke about this before, but binge drinking is a huge one and definitely a huge noteworthy one because amongst 20 year olds, 20-something-year-olds, amongst people in this decade, alcohol is just so widely accepted and excessive drinking is so tolerated that sometimes we don't even realize that we are using alcohol or some other substance to numb our pain as dramatic as that sounds. Alcohol is naturally a depressant, which means

that it slows down how messages travel through our body, including. anxious messages. And so initially when something really terrible happens, having like half a bottle of wine is going to make you feel more relaxed. It's going to make you feel better. It's a lot harder to focus on our worries when, you know, we're a bit tipsy or we're drunk. And in that way, the negative feelings are eliminated. In my own experience, the times I have, you know, drunk the most to be a bit vulnerable with you guys, have been when I've been in the most emotional pain. At the end of a relationship, when I first moved to a new city and I knew no one and I was really, really lonely. And any kind of substance that numbs us or artificially induces, you know,

a lot of happy feelings that kind of mask the real problem is a form of maladaptive coping. because it is keeping you attached to the idea that if you feel better, you are moving forward. So speaking of alcohol consumption, let's also talk about food as well. Emotional eating is another maladaptive coping mechanism. So I did do an entire episode on this last year. It's episode 135 if you want to listen to it. And it really goes into this a lot more. But sometimes, not always, but sometimes we eat as a way of regular.

our emotions rather than from a place of actual hunger. Like food is a form and a source of comfort. Food is warm. Food is filling. And it also elicits feelings of control, feelings of fullness where emotional fullness perhaps isn't possible. Underneath it all, though the emotions remain the same, it is once again a band-aid.

Another huge one, an honorable mention, I don't know, a dishonorable mention maybe, but a huge one for our for our 20s is isolating ourselves and withdrawing. Often we don't even realize that we're doing this. We think that we are helping ourselves. We think that we are helping those around us. We think that we are giving ourselves space to process. But we are actually reducing the social resources that we have available to us,

those social touch points that help so much. You know, what if we actually unconsciously as well, like with withdrawal are punishing ourselves because we're, We don't feel like it should be somebody else's problem, or we don't feel like we deserve empathy or we deserve support. There was this paper published in 2001 that I read when I was researching this episode, and it spoke about how isolation is often a self-induced coping mechanism to deal with excessive worry and to avoid human interaction. We hermit. Obviously, that is not always the case, right?

sometimes the fact that we don't have social support is what causes us to use other maladaptive coping mechanisms. But sometimes as well, withdrawing from a social support system or from friends and family and who are available is a way of coping that we don't realize we're doing. And it's kind of no surprise to me that this mechanism, it often does co-occur with things like depression or social anxiety where there is already a tendency within these conditions towards withdrawal. Escapism, that is another maladaptive coping mechanism. Finding comfort in a reality or a fantasy that is detached from your own. Like binge watching endless hours of TV or escapism through daydreaming, putting up this wall

between you and reality, you and the situation that you're dealing with through a form of really emotionally consuming distraction. And this really links to the last example I'll give today because, you know, the list could definitely go on. But this is the example I gave at the beginning, which is avoidance, outright ignoring the problem. Now, this might sound a lot like denial, which we know as a defense mechanism because it's, you know, it's similar, right? It's pretending the problem doesn't exist, but actually with avoidance, it's a conscious choice to look away. You kind of know that the situation is happening. You know that if you were to seriously deal with it, it would be really painful or tricky or stressful.

Denial is not even realizing that there is a problem. You know, you're choosing to postpone or choosing to avoid or evade a problem with avoidance. Denial, you're just completely, blissfully unaware that it's even happening. So if coping mechanisms are voluntary and we know these behaviours keep leading us back to the same or even a darker place, why do we do it? Why do we use poor forms of coping? There is not one answer for you. My answer is that it's complicated, but I will offer you a few explanations. The first and most simple explanation is that maladaptive coping mechanisms are sometimes just more accessible.

They are easier for relieving the immediate discomfort. it whereas adaptive coping mechanisms sometimes require, you know, it's a hard reality, they require a bit of an investment, they kind of take longer to help. If you've just gotten broken up with or you've just lost out on an really, you know, amazing opportunity, you've just had a fight, you've gotten your hopes up and you've been let down, you know, a couple glasses of wine and trying not to think about it is going to immediately make you feel better. But, you know, meditating, for example, probably isn't going to make you feel better if it's your first time ever doing it. You know, meditation is amazing. I do actually really promote it, but the thing is

that it's a practice, right? It's a skill that builds over time, whereas anyone over the age of 18 in Australia or, you know, 20, 21 elsewhere can go and use alcohol or abuse alcohol or rely on alcohol and it's a much quicker fix. Secondly, sometimes maladaptive coping mechanisms do act as a form of self-sabotage. So if you have poor self-esteem, a lot of self-doubt, imposter syndrome, maybe as well, when bad things happen, it's hard to not see those as coming down to something wrong with you or some character fault. You see yourself as a failure or as a loser or is not deserving of love. and why would someone like that deserve to be taken care of or deserve to not be in pain or deserve to invest in healthy coping mechanisms if at the end of the day they are a bad person

or they are a lost cause? It all comes down to, I think, sometimes self-esteem and what we believe that we should be providing with ourselves. It's interesting because in this case, you know, firstly those false beliefs are entirely untrue. Let's get that clear. But secondly, those beliefs are subconscious, but the actions derived from those feelings are conscious. So it's like this weird mix of defense and coping mechanisms, if that makes sense. Our motivations are subconscious, but our behavior is conscious and it is in response to a feeling that we just can't quite identify, right? We are

numbing ourselves. We are withdrawing as a conscious way of dealing with our emotions because perhaps underneath it all, we don't feel like we deserve to offer ourselves something better and we are self-sabotaging. Generational trauma and learning comes into this conversation in a major way. Coping strategies begin in early childhood and they begin through not just our own psychological and physical responses to stress and testing what works, but also by what we see our parents doing. when we see our parents engaging in dysfunctional strategies like avoidance, like numbing themselves with alcohol or food or some other substance or activity, not only do we observe and mimic that,

but it can also create a childhood environment in which we are not taught to accept and hold hard emotions or to work through them. We are not taught to be soft and tender and to turn to others for support, but to instead find a way to just feel better in the moment and eventually move on. So this is a form of emotional invalidation. And when you are told that your emotions, especially as a child, were not reasonable, they weren't rational, they weren't valid, you're too sensitive, that becomes part of our habits and part of the suppression,

part of the maladaptive coping that we perform. I feel like this is quite obvious, but we see that a lot with men, people who are raised as boys and raised as men, whereby there is such a societal influence around them at all times to be quiet when it comes to their emotional problems. And so it's through that social conditioning that they learn how to use maladaptive coping mechanisms to help themselves. And we all know that doesn't work, right? It ends up in angry outbursts, it ends up in sabotaging relationships, it ends up in dysfunction.

but a lot of the times it's not even like we had a choice. Nobody has set an example. The other main problem with a lot of these techniques, if we can call them that, they are techniques for managing emotions, is that they actually leave a lot of residual grief. They leave a lot of residual suffering, residual sadness, residual stress because we haven't been proactive about the situation, or we haven't actually fully processed and moved through the emotion,

so it goes on to kind of hide and influence our behavior in other areas. You know, say you've gone through a really rough period at work. You do what you can to feel better. You cope, you suppress, you drink, you do whatever it is and you move on. The thing is you actually haven't found a way to make your work life better for you, if there even is a way. You haven't found a way to put in strategies. You haven't found a way to talk out your emotions or to process them.

And so a lot of the time, and I remember this happening with, me when I worked as like a in a corporate job, I would get really, really stressed. I would just push it all down. I would, you know, keep busy. And I would notice that in the weeks and the days that followed, those bad feelings that I hadn't actually processed bled into my relationships. I would start fights with my boyfriend. I would ignore my friends. And the disruption of that event and that experience would remain. Again, it is not our fault. That is something I really want to impress on you all. you've just kind of picked up on the examples set for you by family, by peers, by society that, you know, really should have a 101 class on like, how do you actually cope with hard things in life?

We have never had the opportunity or perhaps even in the time to see what else is out there, to see how we could cope better. Because also sometimes, like, the feelings are just so intense. We just do what we have to do. You know, our lives are so busy that sometimes it's impossible to pull ourselves away and, you know, take a break or go on a nature walk or to journal out our feelings. Sometimes we just have to respond to what is happening. So one final explanation for an over-reliance on maladaptive coping mechanisms, especially the emotion-focused kind, comes down to a concept in psychology called

learned helplessness. If you've been handed a few sets of just really bad cards, you've just had some really bad luck recently. Firstly, you're probably feeling exhausted, but secondly, if your efforts to keep picking yourself back up and doing better and picking yourself back up and problem solving and picking yourself up and having a good attitude, if that just isn't working, you've probably adopted an idea that you just don't have the control that you would like.

You don't get a say in what's happening to you, and so you have adopted a position of learned helplessness. Sometimes we start to be quite global with that judgment, right? And we believe that the reason all these bad things keep happening is because we just have bad luck or bad karma or it's a bad period. And so we just endure it and we do what we can emotionally. And that means sometimes falling into bad habits with how we cope. So how do we break this pattern and move away from avoidant or,

maladaptive coping to approach orientated coping. How do we kind of stop, you know, sometimes making things worse for ourselves, even though our intentions are merely just to feel a little bit more at peace, a little bit less stressed. Let's talk about it. So there is this very well-known Carl Jung quote that I love and it says, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. And what I always interpret this quote, is saying is that our maladaptive coping skills have an origin. Until we work out what that is, we are basically destined to always see life in our circumstances as against us and to find ourselves in a bit of a toxic cycle.

That might be a harsh truth. That might be something that you don't really want to hear. I probably didn't want to hear it when I first did, but one of the only things we can control in this world is how we react. to what happens to us and how we, as much as we can, positively integrate that into our story and find a way to learn and grow from it. Like, it just kind of sucks sometimes because a lot of the time we didn't do the damage in the first place.

The stress or the pain wasn't caused by us, but we do get to reclaim our power in response to it and coming back to our adaptive, positive ways of coping. So firstly, if you've become really reliant on maladaptive coping, you have to have do understand why that might be. Is it past trauma? Is it stress overload? Is it because you don't know any other way to cope? Is it the immediate relief? Is it the temporary control? Is it history? Getting clear on where it begins helps you find an alternative and practice those positive alternatives. It's really annoying and frustrating that adaptive coping mechanisms take a while to really take hold, but it's one of those things that really I think deserves an investment. I

I saw this really interesting, I don't know if it was on like Twitter or I don't know, but somebody said this the other day I read it somewhere that was like, you can ruin your life in a second. What is something that you can do in that same amount of time that would drastically improve your life? And it is positive coping. If you've had a stressful day and you want to have just a huge rant to your friend or you want to have half a bottle of wine, try something else first. Try something more energetic or nourishing for you, nourishing for your soul, nourishing for your mental. health. Try something that your mind and your nervous system will thank you for later. Maybe some somatic healing. Have a dance around your house. Get the nervous energy out. Some movement. Take 10 minutes and do a brain dump. One of my favorite things to do is called progressive relaxation where you work from

your toes to your forehead, really tensing and then releasing your muscles. And notice, pay attention. Do you feel the stress lessen in your body? Do you feel less overwhelmed? Adopting more positive coping strategies is as much about relearning what your body and your mind responds to as it is unlearning previously counterproductive ways of dismissing or suppressing your heart emotions. Something that really helped me was coping statements as well and the list I love the most was created by these two psychologists back in 2015 and I love them because these statements have really helped me reshape the narrative in my head or the narrative that I used to have that any I did wouldn't help my circumstances, you know, that learned helplessness mindset. And the statements include things like, I'm going to face this challenge and handle it as best as I can, even if the outcome doesn't change. It might not work out 100%, but, you know, I'm going to give it my best and see what happens. I've been in this situation before and I've

survived. I am strong enough to handle this, whatever it is, that it happens. Things often aren't as bad as they first seem. Those are your coping statements. Hopefully you see why these would be helpful, right? It's not just about thinking positive thoughts or whatever, like that toxic positivity mindset, but being able to just acknowledge that, yes, this circumstance is sucky, this is shitty, this is annoying. I can't change that situation, but I am capable. I am the common denominator.

My actions are a big factor in pushing through and changing next week circumstances or changing how I respond. That kind of brings me to my next tip. Know yourself and know your stresses. If there is a situation, you know you struggle with and you will really have to rely on your coping mechanisms, perhaps more than normal, make yourself a list of what works. Make yourself a dictionary of coping.

And include in that list one thing from every bucket that we spoke about before. An emotion-focused way of coping, social-focused, meaning-focused, and problem-focused. it's like having four lines of defense. So for me, you know, I know that going on a plane is something that's really stressful. For others, it might be exam season. It might be seeing your family. For me, it is going on a plane.

And I have in my notes at all times a list of like 10 plus things I know will help me before, during and after a flight. I also have, you know, five statements that help me rationalize my feelings, five affirmations. I have my anxiety meditation downloaded. You know, the more productive, adaptive, positive coping skills you have in your artillery, the better it's going to be

because it's the security of having multiple things you can fall back on. I think at the end of the day, I'm going to say it again and you're probably like, okay, I get it. But, you know, coping isn't just about eliminating bad feelings because we know that feelings are not evil. They're not bad.

They are just our body trying to communicate with us. coping is also not about always having an answer or a solution, it's about resilience. And the four biggest factors and contributors to resilience are wellness and taking care of yourself in the good times and the bad, healthy thinking, being realistic about your problems, not, you know, catastrophizing or doomsdaying, finding meaning and purpose, knowing that there is a deeper part of you that these hard times can't touch. And finally, connection, sharing, being more. vulnerable, having an open heart, even when it is really difficult to reach out. That makes us,

you know, that kind of makes up part of our social focused coping skills. But I think if you want to be resilient, focus on what you can do when times are good, but also find a way to lean back on your positive relationships so that it doesn't feel like you're only doing so during a crisis and so that you avoid withdrawal and isolation because I think that always just makes things a hundred times worse, coping mechanisms at the end of the day, they are the umbrella in the storm, right? It's still going to be raining, but you're carrying something with you that you can pull out to protect yourself. You are changing how you react to a bad day at work, how you react to a fight with your partner, how you react to a bad mental health day, a bad mental health month.

And it's not about ignoring it. It's not about letting it consume you. It's about having this relationship with your emotions whereby you're like, you are just a little ghost in my house. And yeah, I wish I could get rid of you, but maybe I won't. So let's find a way to move forward and integrate what I'm experiencing. So thank you so much for listening. If you have made it this far, I really enjoyed this episode. I feel like I needed a reminder on coping mechanisms. It might seem so basic, right? It might seem so boring. But for so many of us, when was the last time like you really sat down and thought about what skills you had to make hard things in your life a little bit easier. When were we ever taught that? It's just mind-blowing to me that I went to

school for so many years and nobody ever did a class on this. Nobody ever explained these things to me. So hopefully this is the education that you needed when it came to this topic. As always, if there is somebody who needs to hear this episode, please feel free to share a link. Send them a screenshot, whatever you would like. And if you enjoyed this episode, please leave a five-star review on Apple podcast, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now, it will take a couple seconds. And it really does help the show to grow. When you leave nice reviews, I read them all. So chances are, if you have already, I've read it and I've saved it into my little smile file. And I really appreciate it. And if you do have an episode suggestion, I say this at the end of every episode,

hit me up on Instagram at That Psychology Podcast. I would love to hear from you. And until next time, stay safe, stay kind, be gentle with yourself. Please, and we will talk soon. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%.

I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hard. and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO%. On the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed. I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that

Trust your girlfriends Listen to the girlfriends Trust me babe On the Iheart radio app Apple Podcasts Or wherever you get your podcast On the look back at it podcast From 1979

That was a big moment for me 84 is big to me I'm Sam J And I'm Alex English Each episode we pick a year unpack what went down And try to make sense of how we survived it With our friends

fellow comedians and favorite authors Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. It was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games.

This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. how many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you're not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, listen and learn the hard way on the IHard radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. This is an IHart podcast.

Guaranteed human.