The Psychology of your 20s - 221. How to be truly successful in your 20s

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

This episode might be the wakeup call we all need that our traditional notions of success aren't working. We have been conditioned to see success as individualistic, full of sacrifice, centred around discipline, productivity and all about image and looking impressive. Actually, success is a lot more nuanced. Some of the most successful people in the world as the least happy because success does not allow us to prioritise what really matters to us and drives us. In this episode we break down:  The problems with our idea of success Overachiever burnout  Why being successful doesn't always equal happiness  The alternative and how to find your purpose What makes a successful life in your 20s Listen now! Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast  For business enquiries: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.

Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO. percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me.

I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people.

Listen to look back at it on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that doesn't. not mean that you need to.

Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Owens, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian.

Michael Mancini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands.

I vowed, I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the IHartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean. mean for our psychology. Hello everybody and welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast.

New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our 20s. I hope you've all been well that something, I don't know, special or joyous has happened in your life recently and that you are prepared and ready to get into this particularly philosophical episode. or topic today. We're talking about success, specifically of course, success in our 20s and whether it's time for us as a generation, as a society, to rethink what it truly means to be a successful individual and why it might be time to move past some of the traditional and limiting ways of thinking about achievement and accolades and to an extent happiness.

How can we truly be successful in our 20s without getting bogged down in comparison, what others think of us, doing it for other people, feeling like we have something to prove what is actually truly worthwhile to pursue and to care about in this decade? This has been one of my brain's favorite go-to topics to overthink about in the last few weeks, last few months as well, because quite frankly, I've been feeling very overwhelmed as someone still in my 20s by the direction of my career. And by the direction of my career, I mean to a large extent this podcast. And I'm going to break the fourth wall for a second and just say, you know,

I absolutely love doing the show. It is so purposeful to me. It aligns with who I am. It aligns with what I believe deeply about the human spirit and about the power of psychology and the power of information to heal. But I do miss the time in my life when I was only doing it out of pure passion and love. The podcast is now my full-time job. And so there are a lot of additional elements to think about, you know, how do I make money from this? Am I getting enough listens? And biggest of all, how can I be successful? And what does that success mean? Does it mean publicity? Does it mean recognition or does it actually mean having real impact and zooming out a little bit, touching some grass, having a bit of perspective and actually just separating myself from

my job and being a happy person. Is that what actually makes you a successful individual? Having a deep and meaningful connection to what you're doing, yes, but also a connection to who you are, what you actually enjoy in life and who you are beyond your career. beyond your work, beyond what other people may be seeing. I think I've been focusing on the wrong things and it's rubbed me of a little bit of joy. And, you know, as a group, as 20-somethings, we are, have become very consumed with being impressive and is that constant pursuit of success actually making us less happy and less

centered as a generation because we are too fixated on what our life looks like versus what our life contains. As you can probably tell, there has been a real mental tug of war for me. And last weekend I booked this beautiful Airbnb in the mountains just to get away, did some soul searching, did some digging, and came to some conclusions about what it means to, I don't know, have the achievements, have the accolades, be happy with your life, perhaps beyond the frills and the excess of what we think success looks like. So I'm very excited for this episode. if you like more about chatty, deep thinker-style topics that veer into more of the extensional, philosophical conversations, obviously still with a healthy dose of psychology, you are going to love this topic.

So without further ado, let's get into how we can be truly successful in our 20s and what success actually means at its core. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong.

Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of, of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO.0 on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam Jett.

And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack all day, but just so you all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now.

Thank you for finishing that sentence. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and

conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Trip Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses.

Steve Burns, Dustin Ross. Because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth? Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different. bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Keer Gaines, is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal.

The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies. in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so-ins, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see

what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Gillespie and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is

Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Maricopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl.

You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me?

The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed. I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe.

On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Being successful feels really important for a lot of us during this decade. It's definitely up there, I think, with some of our bigger anxieties about the future. You know, how do I set up my life during this chapter? to be impressive and to be secure later on. I think our fixation on this obviously comes from a place of wanting certainty, right? If I'm successful in my journeys, I'll probably be successful in my 30s and beyond,

which means I won't have to worry about money. I won't have to worry about having something to do. I won't have to worry about feeling behind. So that self-preservation is one element of it. But I also think that our, you know, excessive fascination and fixation with success, also comes from a place of ego, wanting to feel important in the world. And that sense of importance is impacted by what society tells us is valuable and what makes someone, again, an important person, someone to look to someone to feel proud of or maybe

even envious of in a sense. Spoiler alert, the people who we typically see as successful, you know, it's normally not that they are a kind person or that they have a lot of good memories. It's not that they are led by purpose or that they're acting small or that they're just a nice, happy person. It's typically a lot more materialistic and grander than that. What makes someone important and therefore successful comes down to being the best at something, having a lot of money, getting a lot of attention or recognition, having something to your name. I'm going to ask you to picture a successful person for a second. I'm guessing your mind probably when you're going to to someone like Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos or a celebrity like Taylor Swift or Beyonce,

that is not an accident. The image of success that we have is, again, very limited, very exaggerated, but also very individualistic and closely aligned with fame. You know, what can you achieve? What have you done? What level of attention do you receive for your hard work? What kind of money have you made? Maybe this also comes down to celebrity worship as well.

If you want an amazing podcast specifically on this topic, you need to listen to Amanda Montel's podcast, Magical Overthinkers, where she talks about this and she talks about how our collective obsession with celebrities and the parasocial relationship that we have with them has collectively made us feel more compelled or attracted by the idea of fame and perhaps less satisfied with an ordinary. life. And you want to know something fascinating. A study run in 2022 showed that people who are more drawn into celebrity worship often do report feeling less satisfied with what they've accomplished. And they do also believe that they would be happier if they were more like the celebrities that they see or that they were famous. So again, our perception of what makes someone successful is very exclusive and very narrow and very much reserved for the best of the best, something that, you know, unfortunately we can't all be. I think this is also elevated by our, you know, this new wave, I guess,

of online success and media success and social media success, where anyone can become recognizable or popular by posting from their bedroom. And so this idea that we could all be notable, that we could all be popular, that we could all have this kind of online, huge life is a lot more available to us. And a lot of us are leaning into that self-promotion. Even if you are kind of detached from social media and how social media hype is really feeding into our, you know, obsession with success, if you're in the corporate world, right? just you're like equivalent of LinkedIn. There is a cultural shift even on that platform towards self-promotion. Like what are my successes?

What is my worth if someone else cannot see it? If someone else cannot judge me by it. If someone else is not impressed, we're looking externally for that confirmation, then what we're doing is correct, that we're enough, that we're pushing ourselves enough. rather than trusting our compass for A, what we actually care about,

B, what we actually want to be doing and see whether we're enjoying ourselves. When success becomes so individually focused, it really does put a lot of pressure on us to be working harder and to be elevating ourselves in comparison to others because success starts to feel very competitive, very glamorous, rather than collaborative and simple. It's not about how happy you are. It's not about what you do for your community.

It's not about how you give back and what the world needs, but how do you make yourself feel impressive in this space? And let me just say, this is not a criticism. I definitely buy into this all the time that success equals self-promotion and success equals image. But I also think that that is contributing to a lot of mental and emotional consequences for this group of people. age group. Firstly, when we're not meeting the criteria for a conventionally successful life,

or you don't feel like a successful 20-something, it really makes us feel quite behind and therefore like a failure because we've been taught not to value ourselves as a person, but to value yourself based on output and what you can produce and how talented or impressive you are. And a unique kind of anxiety follows on from that, right, known as milestone anxiety. We have a whole episode on this from a few years ago, but for a refresher, milestone anxiety is a relatively new concept within the psychology space where we tend to experience a certain dread, panic that A, we are not where we want to be in life, and B, we're not where others are in their lives.

There was a poll done on this very subject actually earlier this year, and it asked around 2,000 adults in the UK whether they were where they wanted to be in life or, meeting what they saw as success milestones. Around 80% of them said no. And as a follow-up, they said that they felt a huge sense of pressure to be further ahead and achieving more than they had at this stage. If only 20% of people in their 20s or in early adulthood feel like they're at a point where they can say that they are proud and comfortable in what they've achieved, that they are, you know, a good person, an impressive person, maybe our notions of what for a successful life are incorrect because it should not be excluding that many people.

Nearly no one is feeling like they measure up, which is probably a good reminder that if you are also feeling that way, you're actually part of the majority. Our limited view of success, that individualistic, very glamorous, heightened, exaggerated, grand, public idea of success is not one that most people can achieve. but it leaves most people feeling miserable that they can't. Now, if you are someone who was an overachiever, a perfectionist, perhaps you grew up being labeled as a golden or a gifted child, a straight-a-student, you're probably going to be more influenced by the pressure to be successful in your 20s than most.

A large facet of your identity, if you do see yourself as one of those people, is most likely derived from performing above the standard. from being admired or praised for your hard work, being able to push yourself harder than anyone else. A lot of individuals who grew up as overachievers find that the only way they can now tell if they're doing something that is valuable or if they're even happy with what they're doing is through external reinforcement because our internal system for judging whether something is worthwhile, whether we actually care about something, is broken. And we are so used to being praised, recognized, told we're good, and that is the fuel,

that is the motivation to keep going with something. So when we no longer have that when we get into our mid, our late 20s, we've kind of exited like the education system, we're kind of more responsible for our daily lives and our daily work without having someone telling us what to do, praising what we do. It can actually lead to a very broken sense of self. I'm no longer the best. I am no longer good. I'm no longer achieving things within this, within a certain structure, the way that I always have. And that can mean that we start to doubt our career choices. We feel like because we're not getting immediate feedback on things that

we're a failure, that we're not doing well. And we struggle to take self-motivated risks, you know, because whether you're starting a new business, maybe you are pursuing social media, putting everything into a passion project, there will be times when you just have to follow your gut and you have to just believe in your goals without anyone encouraging you. But when we have this huge fixation on success, but we also really crave external validation for everything that we're doing, we're not always going to get that. And so our extrinsic motivation system becomes broken. and we feel like if we're not constantly being told that, yep, that's good, yet, you're doing really, really well, what are we even doing? Who even are we without that praise? It's a sickness,

really. And as we get older, it can be hard to shake that productivity, success-driven instinct. Because again, that's what we relied upon for most of our lives to bring us confidence, bring us self-esteem, self-worth, and a purpose. So if you want some further reading on this, an article that I could not recommend enough. It was written by this publication called The School of Life, and it's titled The Secret Sorrow of Overevers. And it talks about how as overachievers, childhood overachievers, teenage overachievers age,

they find it very difficult to appreciate their wins in life. They talk about how our hunger for stereotypical success feeds the burnout cycle. It feeds our imposter syndrome. and of course the external validation dependency, but also, and this is crucial, it also creates an inability to ever enjoy the moments when we do feel like we've reached our goals. It's never enough. You know, the author kind of puts forward this proposition of like, and I don't even think

this is just for overachievers, but can any of us taste success once and not get addicted? Is this not such something that we all crave to be seen? seen and acknowledged as being good. Let me introduce you to this concept called gold medal syndrome because when we talk about, you know, is success ever enough? This comes into it a lot. So obviously the Olympics has just finished and we've seen that, you know, a lot of people win gold medals, athletes who work their entire lives sometimes for less than 10 seconds.

And obviously losing is awful. It sucks. so you don't want to go to the Olympics and lose. But even for the people who win, they face this psychological phenomenon where upon getting everything that they ever wanted, upon being at the top of the podium, the literal top of the podium,

they are deeply, deeply unhappy. And what's actually happening here is something called the hedonic treadmill. We tend to think that success, that being the best, that being impressive, that being, you know, better than everyone else or doing something really, really cool that people think is really, really cool is going to make us really happy. And to an extent it does. But also, after we achieve

these huge things, these huge milestones, we tend to return to a pretty stable level of happiness. The myth that people get really hurt by is that being successful is somehow going to transform your life, transform your emotional state, and that you will never be miserable again. But actually a lot of successful people in the world are gravely unhappy. Many successful professionals struggle to enjoy their accomplishments because it becomes their entire life because they really elevate how it's going to feel to reach the finish line. And when they get there, it's actually quite miserable because they often neglect. a lot of other parts of their life, and they realized that being impressive and is really not

what life is all about. There was a study done by UCLA a couple of years back, and it found that about 72% of successful entrepreneurs, 72% I want you to remember that number, they suffer from at least one mental health concern. A lot of them actually have increased rates of depression. You know, I think, I don't know what the number is now. I think it's one in three or maybe Maybe, yeah, one in three people will have some kind of mental health concern in their life. That's around 33%, 72%. 72% of people who are really in this like success, obsessive success driven world, feel that more intensely.

And CEOs, the same study said that CEOs, some of the most successful people in the world, may be depressed at more than double the rate of the public at large. and here is my main point. And here is why I think we need to rethink this concept. Success is a very shallow thing to base your life meaning on. And when we are so focused on achieving some goal or having this external image of being the person that has it all, being disciplined, And often you miss out on doing things for the sake of just enjoying them or doing things,

you know, pursuing a career, a life path because that's what you feel called towards, because that's what you actually care about. Here's the other aspect of this. And I know this is going to contradict a lot of what I've said, but, you know, most of the most successful people in the world are actually those who started out for themselves, who did it from a place of pure enjoyment. not for accolades, not for wealth, not for recognition, but because being good at something requires being committed to it

from a place of deep personal value, enjoyment, pleasure and care. And just actually feeling that even if no one else could see what you were doing, you would still be doing it. And here's why that's often the case and why I think that really undermines our initial perception of success. We think that the end goal is the thing that will motivate us all along. Actually, it's the process. And this first concept I want to talk about is called learned industriousness. And it refers to a phenomenon whereby people who are very successful who succeed in businesses, who succeed in sports, in music. They are the people who fell in love with the process and the act of

doing rather than the outcome. This is backed up by another concept, another idea called flow. Now, we talk about the flow state a lot, but in case you haven't heard of it before, you haven't caught it in a past episode. Flow is basically a heightened state of consciousness when you're doing something that you equally love that equally challenges you, excites you, and it basically puts you in the zone and you feel fulfilled afterwards. your flow state is often what indicates your calling, right? Because you could sit there and do this thing for hours, not get bored, not get tired, feel fulfilled, feel not the opposite of exhausted, feel exhilarated. Now, flow is not the concept I'm talking about.

What I want to talk about is how they discovered flow. And if you listen to the TED Talk given back in 2008 by the creator of this concept, Professor Mihali Sinsa Mahali, he interviewed ballerinas, CEOs, chess players, elite cyclists, people who are incredibly, incredibly talented and good at what they do. And what he found was that the one thing they had in common was that, again, these people just really loved what they were doing and they weren't doing it for the acknowledgement. They weren't doing it for image, for publicity, for sponsors, for money. They were doing it because this is the thing that lit their fire.

True success comes down to feeling purposeful, feeling aligned with a mission, feeling aligned with a value of some sort, and genuinely just enjoying what you're doing, like actually sinking your teeth into life, into what you really love and what really, like, sets you a light and just doing it regardless of what other people are thinking. And I think that that is the huge switch that we need to make.

The huge understanding that we need to switch from thinking about success as something that is done for others and something that is praised by others, something that has an image to it. Instead, think about success as something that only you would care about, that only you truly know the meaning of and truly love. So I want to say this, you know, if you're feeling behind, if you don't feel like you're taking a life path that is expected of you or that you're not pursuing success in a traditional way,

if your dreams aren't going to make you famous, aren't going to give you headlines, aren't going to, you know, I don't know, aren't going to put you on like a public stage. you're probably actually doing what's right and you aren't missing out. In fact, I think you're closer to what true success looks like for most of us, which is actually joy and energy and love and just value and passion. I really want to talk about how we can actually find more of that and how we can truly be successful in our 20s with that more evolved understanding.

So let's take a short break. Let me grab a glass of water. Let me catch my breath. And we'll be back shortly. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building

resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and to work. way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person.

Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever. you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast.

I'm Sam Jek. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack all day, but just so y'all know.

I mean, at this point, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah.

For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Keer Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark.

Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person

while you hear on earth? Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing,

growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast. Learn the hard way. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the hard way and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed

revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in someone's, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern.

Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Lespian and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted

on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either.

We always say that trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of The Girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands.

I said, oh, hell no. I vowed. I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the Girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the IHart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. If we stop focusing on being successful in our 20s

or elevating our reputation, looking good on LinkedIn, being traditionally accomplished, what would fill that space? What could we be focused on instead? I have a few suggestions. Instead of our 20s being about achieving that Wondikin status or being the best, I think instead our 20s could be focused on experimentation,

giving yourself three to four startovers to try new things and to really search for the thing that gives you meaning in life. Our 20s could also be for running towards the fear, taking things less seriously, celebrating our mistakes, what we're learning in the process. Like imagine if instead of, you know, putting promotions on your resume, you put on the times that you failed and you came back from it or what you learned. More than that, I think our 20s, should also be about having fun, and I know that is such a simplistic and shallow maybe for some of your way of saying things. But if this decade isn't about having fun, like what's it actually about? If it's not about making memories that guide yourself and guide you to who you really are,

when are you actually going to have time to do that with the level of self-awareness that you have now? Maybe this is my biggest problem with our current conception of what makes for an important and lucrative life, it makes everything so much less fun because you are constantly in a mindset of competition and comparison, needing to assess what others are doing and whether you are measuring up to that standard and often comparing yourself to the lives of people who we've already revealed may not actually be that happy, but because it looks that way from the outside, it feels like something that we want. As a result, I think that there is an overtone of serious, that settles over this time in our lives well before it should,

when actually we should be very uns seriousness, uns seriousness, unsurious in certain aspects and areas of our lives to make the most of this period of freedom, but to also set upon a self-discovery journey. What I really want for us is to kind of swap the isolation and the comparison and the flamboyance of traditional success for community, for self-knowledge, for discovery and for value.

To be truly successful in our 20s and to tap into that life source that we were talking about before, there are three things that I think we need to focus on instead of or in parallel to getting ahead in our careers and our finances, whatever. Firstly, is figuring out your sense of self and really finding your deep in a pool of authenticity to draw from. Secondly, is building strong relationships that you can rely on in the decades to come. and three is learning through experience and failure and being okay with not doing everything perfectly, but just doing it.

When I see my friends who are really setting themselves up for an amazing bright future, for security and purpose, they all have those three things in common. They have a sense of who they are. They have a network and they have a flexible mindset that allows them to actually look at the world, see where they're needed, see what they want to do and pursue that. They are the people I think I feel most envious of, not because of the accolades or because they work 80 hours a week or they're disciplined, but because these individuals who I see in my own life just have this serene sense of mission and self-assurance that is incredibly admirable. And the, you know, the interesting thing is that they don't even care. They don't even care if I thought they were amazing because they feel it themselves and they feel drawn to something without the need for people.

public acknowledgement of it. So let's focus on how we can cultivate these things, the self-knowledge, the friendship, the openness to failure. Building self-knowledge means getting clear on where your internal compass is naturally leading you. There is a huge draw, I think, at the beginning of our 20s or the end of our teen years to big flashy careers like doctor, like lawyer, like entrepreneur, because they're impressive because you make a lot of money because they are traditionally, seen as people who have it together and who are, you know, going places in life. The further we get into this decade, though, and I'm not sure if I'm the only one who noticed this, but I noticed this shift around 21 and 22, people began to drop off from those career paths

because they begin to realize that their heart just isn't in those endeavors. They might be doing it for family because it's impressive or because they are squeezing into this box that their soul doesn't fit. and not to make it sound too spiritual, but that's how it feels. It feels uncomfortable to be pursuing a life that you actually don't even want more than, you know, you want it, but on a surface level. Getting to that realization quicker means getting clear on what actually inspires you, what you would do if no one was watching, not if money was no option.

I know that's a question and often gets thrown out, but what would you do if no one was watching? if no one cared about what you were doing for better or for worse. And what do I genuinely derive joy from beyond my career and as a person? This is basically what we would call in therapy and psychology as a self-assessment exercise. I think we should all be doing it more periodically whereby we stop and we assess not just how we're tracking towards conventional traditional goals like financial goals, like financial goals or career goals, but how we're tracking towards the broader goal of being in touch with

ourselves and our lives and how we feel. Obviously, I think self-knowledge in this decade can be difficult because we still are in a transition period. We are still developing as individuals and things do rapidly change. So that is why it's important to check in once every three months for 15 minutes such a small time investment, but to journal, ponder and think about these three questions. I think these three questions in particular really structure this self-investigation. What do I value the most in my life right now? What could I be doing to be more aligned with my purpose? And by purpose, we mean the thing that you would do when no one was watching, the thing that you care about beyond your career. And if you are anxious, dissatisfied, uncomfortable, what is the

source of this feeling and what needs to be amended? When you don't know yourself and you don't take time to care or to listen to your inner desires, perhaps because you are really caught up in being productive, in being efficient, in being successful. I really do think that you're setting yourself on the path for a huge crisis later on, and I've seen it time and time again in people's lives where they are very consumed by doing what they think needs to be done and following a traditional path. And there is never a space in that journey for self-reflection. And for really, thinking like what actually makes me happy. And so they wake up at 30, 35, 40, and they just feel even more lost than they would have at 20, 25 if they had sat and reflected. So focus on it now.

I also think this is a unique time for risk. Some people get frustrated when I say this, but I do think that our 20s are the easiest time to do the things that might not get you further ahead in your career, but make sense for you as a person. And just kind of give you the chance to say in the future, yeah, I did that thing. That was part of my life story. Yeah, it was out of character. Yes, it may have not have contributed to me getting ahead in life, but I'm happy that I did it. The big one people often think of when I say that and when I say take risks, make memories in your 20s, is travel.

Of course, if you're tossing up between do I travel or settle into my corporate job and climb the ladder, my answer is always going to be travel if you have the opportunity. because that is going to set such a core foundation for future you who might choose to pursue a corporate life. It's not just travel. I think it's also things like going back to school for something that might not make you a success, but that you care about or taking a year to just make art or write and work whatever job pays the bills. This all gets us closer to understanding what we truly want. I think it also takes the pressure off having to come up with the answers to, what's going to make me successful, what's going to make me impressive, what do I want to do with

my life so early on. This is still a period of exploration, even if society is kind of putting, you know, kind of moving back the starting blocks a little bit and really putting a lot of pressure on the milestones. There is a wealth of experiences and knowledge to be collected in your 20s that are going to make you more successful in the long run. Secondly, friendships, our most prized relationships. If you feel like you have nothing to show for yourself in your 20s, that you're behind the people you went to high school with, or your colleagues or where you expected to be,

lean into your relationships and lean into your friendships. There is a quote that says, show me someone's friends and I'll tell you how rich they are. Not rich in wealth, but rich in connection, intimacy, vulnerability, having those kindred spirits to ride through life with. There are so many people who have a narrow goal and an even narrower focus on how to get there because they do think it would give their life more meaning to be the big success story. But we know from earlier discussions that once they get to that finish line,

often one of their first thoughts is, who do I share this with? There is no success without community. the relationships that you are devoting yourself to now are the things that will also make you successful in your future. And so there's another element of this that I want to talk about. You can really only grow as far as your friendships allow you to. So yeah, if you are someone who wants big things, if you are someone who wants a creative life, who wants an adventurous life, actually be particular about who you're surrounding yourselves with. Because I do sometimes think that as much as we want companionship and connection, you don't want to be limited by someone else's

beliefs about what they want from their life. Hopefully that's making sense, but I think be selective and put time and energy and effort into your friendships and see that as something that is a mark of success. See that as something that you can say, yeah, I am full of wealth as a person. I have achievement. I am impressive. I have accolades because my relationships are fulfilling and deep and vulnerable and rich. Finally, something else that makes you successful in your 20s is an openness to failure and being able to adapt and go lightly through life. That is what's going to make this a pivotal period for you.

Each setback teaches resilience and I think adapting from that builds confidence. There is no one in life who is going to walk through any period, any chapter, any month even, without experiencing something that just like doesn't sit right, that's inconvenient to them, that makes them feel insecure, that makes them feel like a failure. The people who get over that faster and who are able to keep pursuing their deep inner calling or the thing they care about are the people who are adaptable and flexible and who allow room for that in their journey. I think that's very hard to do, when you're really focused on perfection and you're really focused on making a name for yourself

and doing it right the first time and you're really focused on how other people perceive your journey and how other people are perceiving your successes take a step back from that for a second this is not their life this is not their journey you are the one who is experiencing your day to day and I, you know, I saw this amazing quote that the people in life who are truly the most successful, who have the best businesses, who inspire people, who make change, they always have the most interesting stories about how they got there because they didn't stick strictly to a path. They put themselves on an 18 or 20 and they didn't expect for everything to go right. They bounced back from failure.

They accepted it. They made it part of who they were becoming. So just a really good reminder. And I want to just finish this up, close off this episode by saying, firstly, thank you for listening to me Ramble. Obviously, this is something that has been on my mind. I'm trying to rethink and evolve my own understanding of success in this moment alongside you.

So if you do have any thoughts, feelings about this yourself, please let me know. But secondly, I really do think that it's time to get rid of this confined, outdated model of what a successful individual looks like. It is not someone who I think is materialistic or who is outwardly the most beautiful, most impressive, has the most things to their name. It's the person who you look at and you say, no, that is someone who has a really deep pool of inner peace and cares about something and they draw from that in any aspect of their life. And it doesn't have to be their job, right? It could be someone who is like literally working at McDonald's but really cares about their athletics career or really cares about making ceramics on the weekend. That is someone who knows

themselves. That is someone who hopefully has a community around them. That is someone who is open to failure. Those are true markers of success. So thank you so much for listening to this episode. I hope it's given you something to think about or that you've learned something from the studies we talked about, from the random quotes we threw in there, from my rambling. If you enjoyed this episode, if you feel like there is someone else in your life who needs to hear it, please. feel free to share it with them. And make sure you leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now, and follow along for more episodes.

I'll give you guys some sneak peek on what's coming up. Next week we're going to be talking about female friendship. We're going to be talking about people who are overly sensitive and sibling relationships and a lot more. So lots to be excited about. Hopefully we see you back here very soon. And until next time, Stay safe. Stay kind. Be gentle with yourself. Rethink your notions of success. And we will talk soon.

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