The Psychology of your 20s - 230. The psychology of flirting

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

Flirting! Usually thought of as something used to express romantic or physical interest may actually be the secret to unlocking more connections than you can ever imagine: platonic and romantic. In today's episode we break down the psychology of flirting, including how to gain confidence in your flirting ability, the flirt languages or styles, why flirting is all about connection and low expectations and, of course, how to bring back flirting into a long term relationship.  We are joined by the Flirt Coach, Benjamin Camras, to be the expert on this episode. Benjamin has been a flirt coach for thousands, runs his own podcast on flirting, called Flirtations, and gives us his best tips and tricks for embracing the power of the 'flirt'. Listen now!  Follow Benjamin here: @benjamincamras Listen to Flirtations here: https://open.spotify.com/show/3Ti023cM762SVaQOZrdWlv?si=4ab574c92b5f4339  Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast For business: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here as we of course break down, dive into the psychology of your 20s. Something that I think comes up a lot when we think about love, crushes, dating, romance is this like behavioral concept, this behavioral idea of learning. And it feels kind of strange to be doing an entire episode on flirting because I don't know, I feel like I'm in this long-term relationship. Like, I don't really think about it as much anymore. But when you are single, or even when you are in a long-term relationship and you want to kind of bring a little bit of passion back into things, flirting is super valuable. And it's also this idea that

is closely aligned with confidence, romantic confidence, with attraction. I feel like flirting is honestly just so much fun. You don't know where it's going to take you. It can bring you so much power and self-esteem. It puts you kind of in the driver's seat of a relationship. But it's not always so easy to do. And not all of us are quite the expert. So today I thought I would bring someone on to discuss the unique psychology of flirting. And I thought I would bring on the literal expert, a flirting coach, Benjamin Kamras. Thank you so much for joining us. Hello, thank you so much for having me on the show today. I am thrilled and delighted to talk about my favorite thing in the world, which is flirting. I'm actually so excited as well.

I was like, this is just perfect because it is such like a, I don't know, it's like something that people don't think about all that often, but then when you kind of have it down pat, I'm sure it opens so many doors. Before we jump into it, can you just like briefly introduce yourself what you do, who you are, any fun facts that you want to include? Yes, my name is Benjamin. I am the floor coach and Gay Libra self-proclaimed. And I got into this a couple of years ago. I had a whole nine to five before I got myself or found myself discovering coaching. I was a city planner for a long, long time for over 10 years. That's what I went to school for more formally. And then when I was exploring a career change, as I think a lot of us were contemplating many things during lockdown. and during the pandemic, having a lot of time to ourselves, I was living by myself and had all of this time just to like actually be instead of doing, right, going, just forcing myself to always be busy. That really wasn't an option. And I knew I had to make some serious life changes, some big upheavals.

And a conversation with a friend changed everything. I was just talking to him, like I, what am I going to do? Like I, what do I do with my life? I was in my mid-30s then. I'm 38 now. And he was like, what about coaching? What, just what about coaching? I had no idea what that was.

I had never considered that before. I had like these ideas in my head if you've seen movies or TV shows with life coaches. Yeah. They kind of get played up as a stereotype or like the football coach, something like that. But me as a coach, I don't know. But for the first time in a. really long time. He recommended a program to me. And within the week, I was signed up and enrolled. And I explored coaching before I quit my job and then started my business and was posting

online, trying all kinds of different things. And the video that really changed everything was a video about flirting. And that's when the stars aligned, everything clicked. And I have not turned back since. And that was about a year and a half ago when I really started creating content and talking about flirting and becoming evolving into the flirt coach, which is how I show up today. Oh my gosh. I love it. And I will say, like, you bring such like this like, it's beautiful energy to this recording where I'm like, yeah, I get why you're an expert in this. And it's so, it's so funny you being like, oh, the idea of like a coach. And I always think of like hitch, like the, What's the actor in that? Will Smith?

Will Smith, yeah. But you're very, very different, which I appreciate. Thanks for giving us that little timeline. Okay, I'm going to start such a simple question. When I started, I was like, I thought this would be a great introduction question. I was like, this is such a simple question. And then I started thinking about it myself. And I was like, actually, this is quite complicated.

So to begin, what actually kind of defines or qualifies as flow? flooding. Yeah, so I have a definition that I think is unconventional that maybe you all haven't heard before, but my just like concise definition of flirting is that the flirt is the genuine expression of interest without expectation in the present moment. And I talk about the flirt as being all about connection. For me, that's the sole purpose of the flirt. It doesn't come in with these angles or these intentions, right? You're just trying to get the phone number or you're coming right away with a physical compliment, something like that. I really try and always bring it back to connection. As I see, that's been a huge part of my work, even as a city planner, where I was working

in transportation and connectivity and sidewalks and things like that. Connection in a different way. And I'm still continuing with that theme now as the flirt coach, just hoping and hoping to bring more connection into people's lives. I hope to inspire them to, yeah, just to express themselves, to put themselves out there, to build confidence. Yeah, that's what I hope every time I post and talk about flirting. So that's my like sort of a clean, clear definition of flirting, but it is ultimately always, always, always. about connection. Yeah, I like that. So this kind of leads to my next question. Does it always have to indicate like romantic or even sexual interest or is it like just kind of, can it be playful, platonic? Yes. Yes. So when it comes to connection, I think you have

three varieties of connection, platonic connections, romantic connections and the connection you have with yourself and you're going to explore all of them in the flirt. It's, I know, like, sometimes I feel like I don't have, like, the juiciest, like, ripest answer of the flirt is, like, this sort of salacious, like, overt expression of sexual or romantic interest. It can be. There's a time and a place for that. Certainly if you're in a relationship and, like, you're, yeah, the flirt can help keep some of that aspect of a relationship alive. And even when you're dating, flirting in the bedroom,

something like that, love it. But when you're on a first date, you're with someone you don't know or you see someone at a party at a party, a networking event, outrunning errands. You don't even know their name. That can never be where you start. It has to start first with connection. So I the flirt has many varieties and many forms, but it's ultimately about exploring those connections platonically, romantically, and with the self. And yeah, depending on the actual connection, then it can take many different forms. I'm so interested in this. Like how do you flirt with yourself? Like what's, what does that entail? Oh, so it's like how you are showing up to the flirt. Like it's because I am part of the form.

Part of my story is a lifelong introvert. I still am introverted in many ways. I've had social anxiety my entire life. So just making connections, let alone flirting, hasn't been easy. But so much about the flirt is how you show up and what's going on in your mind. Are you judging yourself? Are you being critical of yourself? Are you rejecting yourself?

Are you bringing past stories and experiences into the flirt? So the connection with the self as it's related to flirting is about how you are showing up because you are a critical part of the flirt. Okay, I kind of get that now. I'm like, okay, so the relationship, like how you kind of flirt with yourself is by, I'm guessing, like, flirting with others, but by doing that, it brings a sense of confidence and it brings a sense of empowerment that maybe you previously don't have. Like, I'm showing up to this experience. I'm going to just give it a go. I'm going to just put myself out there. And like a previous version of myself may have been worried about rejection, but this version of myself that I want to create is not someone who does. Is that kind of what it's like? Yeah, it can very much be that.

And I think like for everyone listening is like some other ways to flirt with yourself are, right, to wear something that really makes you feel good, a favorite color. You're playing with your style, your makeup, your hair could be like it could be. It could be. flirting with your with your positive self talk self-talk or your affirmations you could even take it in the direction of like you're flirting with new habits yeah flirting with a new i don't know cooking class or something like that yeah um so there's lots of ways to then open up the flirt and think of it yeah bring it into kind of all aspects of your life but it's i love it as a tool for self-discovery and just to help people get to know themselves better and so when you're showing up to the flirt

It's like, what are those thoughts? It's like, is it I'm too weird or I'm too awkward or I'm not like, I don't look good enough? Or like, what is it that's happening? Or maybe you're feeling super, super good. You're like, I got this. Yeah. You have like your opening line or your pickup line or something like that. So it's ultimately, I think, a great way to build self-awareness around how you like to connect.

And with that self-awareness, you can. You know, then you can take action on sort of what's happening, what's coming up, what thoughts are you having and why. So I feel like some people are definitely more flotatious than others. Do you think that like that comes down to personality or does it just come down to sheer confidence, like a sheer willingness or not even willingness, just an ability to, you know, potentially be rejected or to be, feel embarrassed or whatever it is? Like, do you think it's personality? Do you think it's confidence? What really makes some people more tapped into the flirt, as you call it? Yeah, that's a good question. I think everyone has an inner flirt. And when it comes to, yeah, you see people that seem like they just have this natural flirt confidence about them. I think sometimes it could be more innate, you know, if it's

someone that is more extroverted, if it's someone that is totally cool and love. receiving attention because that's part of the flirt too as you're giving attention energy to someone else sharing that but then looking to receive it back so some people love they love giving a compliment because they know they're going to get some attention back that could be part of it some people have you know humor that just lends itself more to that kind of in the moment right they're not so much in their heads but I think what truly makes a natural flirt, a sort of quote unquote natural flirt is not how they look or anything like that, it's their ability to just get out of their head with the flirt and not second guess themselves

in the moment. It really does a lot of times come down to confidence. And how do you do that? Like if you're someone who wants the opportunities brought on by flirting, like the playfulness, like maybe more connection or like the ability to kind of express romantic interests and have that like reciprocated. What are someone like the strategies that maybe you've used or you've seen other people used to get themselves out of their heads into the present, into the situation? Yeah. That's my that's my motto at the open of all of all my podcast episodes to get out of your

head and enter the flirt to stop thinking your way through the flirt more so feel your way through the flirt. And I think one way you do that is by opening up your experience of flirting and your idea of what flirting is, your concept of what flirting is, and look to make those connections with everyone regardless of whether or not you think they're hot, right? You want someone to give you attention back. You see someone that has piqued your interest that now you want to go on a date with or you want to hook up with whatever. If you're going into the flirt with this very narrow-minded point of view of who you think this person is and you're already assuming the role that you that you want them to play in your life because of how they look, let's just say, well, it's just, the flirt may

not be received that way, first of all, but then also you're very much limiting yourself to the types of flirts you can experience and to the types of people that you're going to flirt and then connect with. So I love just opening up people's idea of what the flirt is, the role it can serve in their lives, being that it's ultimately all about connection. It's playful. It's an energetic exchange. Sometimes I describe it as an act of service. It really is that. It's an opportunity for you to learn some incredible things about someone else, about yourself. And so if. If you're struggling with confidence or you just feel like you don't have the confidence to do that, think about the times in your life when you have made connections, just in the moment, could be with friends. And maybe you don't consider that a flirt, but connection is connection nonetheless.

And so you've proven to yourself that you can do it. I really like that. Like, lower firstly lowering your expectation, not even lowering, but changing your expectations around what flirting actually is. the desired outcome, like going into it, being like, okay, well, this is more about me than it is about them as of right now. Like, this is a confidence building thing for me. I'm just going to try and do it. And then the outcome is whatever it is. Whatever it is. Like, it's a learning process. I want to talk about some more like practical ways to flirt. Okay. Okay. So, and maybe this is like very, I want it to be very specifically. What do you think of the most effective ways of flirting,

whether it's like asking questions, like physical, what in your mind and your experience really works? So I love starting with flirt styles, I think, can be super useful. This is something that came from the University of Kansas. There's published research on this. Like, there's actually been four or five, but I've really distilled them down into four flirt styles, where there's playful, sincere, traditional, and physical. And I think I would even add a fifth now, most recently, the demure flirt. If you're on social media, you have probably seen that trend. So I think knowing your flirt style can be super, super helpful.

And then it comes back to working the flirt nonverbaly and verbally. So ultimately, with flirt styles, it's how. How do you like to express interest in somebody? How you like to connect. Do you like I'm very much a playful flirt. I have elements of sincere. We have elements of all of them, but you probably have one or two that are more dominant. So I'm very playful.

I use lots of body language, hand motions. I'm very expressive with my eyes and my face. I play with my tone of voice. So I bring a lot of playful elements. I bring some humor into it. And then I pair that with sincerity where I, I'm asking genuine questions. I'm practicing active listening.

I'm offering compliments that are non-physical. Yeah. Can you break down those four flirt styles by profile? Because I feel like I get those examples. I was like, yeah, I kind of can think of some examples of sincere and of playful and of physical. But what are some of the more detailed, like criteria or kind of characteristics of each of those styles? Yeah. So playful is the type of flirt that is going to lean.

more towards humor. You might even like roast someone a little bit if this is someone you know kind of well. You're going to be very just overall playful and expressive probably in your demeanor. Since the sincere flirt really likes to ask questions and offer compliments. Like this is the person that is like maybe they don't bring a ton of humor or jokes to the flirt. but they are like they're in it, they're asking those questions so they can really get to know you

and understand you better. The traditional flirt is, this style of flirt is like it's sort of like quote unquote playing it safe a little bit, but that's not how I want to describe it. Like they really follow a lot of traditional conventions when it comes to getting to know someone.

So kind of like, hello, how are you? My name is. Like they're not really going to be, touchy-feely or looking to give a hug or something like that, they're sort of going to, we really respect a lot of boundaries in a sense right of way and it can give the illusion of a slower burn style of flirt, but this is just how this person likes to express interest. This is so interesting. Can I interact with? Of course. That is so interesting because that sounds like spot on like my partner. Like when we first started

dating, I was like, are you even into me? But he would do things like. like, oh, open the door for me. Buy me flowers. But then I would be like, you know, then I remember like on maybe our third day, he like gave me a hug and it was like the most awkward hug I've ever had. Because he's just like not what he was used to. And he's like, but he is definitely like, it's so funny listening to this thing. Like, oh yeah, he's totally traditional and very much like sincere where he will be like

doing all the things that you would expect from like a gentleman in like the 1930s. Yeah. So I think that's probably his flirt style, traditional, with elements of sincere. Yeah, which is interesting. Sorry, I interrupted. And the last one is... Oh, the last one is physical. And this one, like, our minds tend to go right to, oh, this is the person that is, like, giving physical compliments right away.

They're being very touchy-feely. To an extent, yes, like, when this is someone you get to know, but right away in an initial flirt, this is someone that I feel like brings just a lot of physical energy. They're very animated, like with their body language, they're going to be very open. I think a little bit more relaxed. They may do a little bit of, like, touching you on top of the shoulder, sort of nudging their shoulder into yours. Like, they're going to gravitate towards some touch probably as a means to express interest. But that can be conveyed in a one-dimensional way, even though if it's not meaning to be intended as like, hey, I want you kind of thing. Yeah, and then the demure flirt, which is this new one that you've...

Yeah. Is it something you've just recently introduced based on like the trend? Yes, exactly that. I think it would be a very fun, fifth flirt style where this is the flirt that's very mindful, right? Very respectable, very approachable. I'm kind of getting like, you know, the flirt that's like a little bit more laid back sort of come to me kind of thing. But I see them as also bringing a lot of sincere and playful elements. too. So maybe the demure is a combination of playful and sincere. Yeah. It's so interesting,

like hearing you say these and being like they, a lot of them kind of align with like our love languages, right? Like, you know, acts of service being traditional, like words of affirmation being sincere, physical touch being physical, which is very, and I feel like, and that's what you were explaining before where it's like there is no way to go about like showing interest in someone. It does sometimes need. to be a combination, but you start small. It's like asking a question. I feel like the thing that really holds people back from outwardly flirting is being embarrassed

about being called out by it for it. It's like, yes, rejection is a component. It's like someone just not reciprocating, but it's also like, okay, someone has noticed that I'm doing it and is then turned off by that. But what you were saying of like, it can be so small, like just asking a really sincere your question is a way of like embracing the flirt or like being like very demure and very much like, oh, I want you to come and come and chase B in a way. Also another great example. So do you think that it's better to be like more subtle or more obvious when it comes to

flirting? I think it depends. Like it could, like the flirt in that way could follow more. or normative gender roles if it's like, well, the guy's going to approach the woman kind of thing. And so like the woman is then giving some of those signals with some body language, some eye contact, right, pulling the eye contact away. Maybe like the hair gets tucked behind the ear and like sort of like, like I don't know, tongue, I don't know, bite the bottom lip or something like some of these sort of traditional expressions of nonverbal interest we may think of. But it's like from what I hear and in doing the work that I do, it's like, I think everyone can approach everybody. But it starts with the point of connection and then letting it build from there.

And it can build quickly. It's not like you have to stay in this neutral space of connection forever. But like to what you're saying, it's you never know where someone is at, what they're thinking about, how they're feeling on any given day. if they're up to receive a flirt. And so just working your way into it, I think, is a great, ultimately a great strategy, especially if this is someone you don't know. You're just out in public somewhere. You're at an event.

And I really do see what you mean. It's like starting subtle also gives them time to reciprocate in a way. Yes, yes. What I mean? Especially like, okay, if you're listening to this episode and you like have someone in mind, you're like, okay, I want to start approaching this person. I am interested in them and I want them to know that I'm kind of open to it. Starting subtle and small, kind of test that and it tests that they're going, that it is a

mutual feeling rather than sometimes, you know, a more obvious come on where there is a lot more space to be rejected or maybe even embarrassed to go for it and to have them be like, no, I don't think of you that way. Maybe like that's another way of like. conceptualizing, flirting, it's like, it's like testing the waters a little bit before ultimately pursuing them. Have you found that to be like the case with people that you've spoken to or in your work? Oh yeah, absolutely. It's like, yeah, if you are looking to explore some more romantic interest, like if that is part of your intention with the flirt, it's like you've got

to, you've got to start somewhere. And it could be, you know, we're talking a lot of about in-person examples, but if it's online, if you're on the apps, if you're on social media, you want to slide into someone's DMs, it's like if you go in to the flirt right away with those expectations of I want this person to receive this flirt in this particular way, I want my interest to be reciprocated in this particular way. Well, ultimately, you're flirting with another person and there's no guarantee that that's going to happen. And so then maybe you are feeling rejected or you're feeling like you fumbled the flirt or like it just didn't go well um but it's like starting a little bit more subtly making that connection first expressing that interest having that interest received and

reciprocated and then you get the flirt back and like you can have a lot of fun in this initial phase it's not as if you're going up to someone and just like hello like it's like that's you know we're not just going with small talk, some back and forth banter here. The flirt is, it's really about energy. It's about vibrations as well. It's much, much more than just, you know, talking about the weather. I really, really like that. That's not flirting. Yeah. I also, I also feel like when I was flirting a lot more, like, romantically, it really was like, okay, it's not really about you. It's about the energy that I'm going to bring and hope, and like not even hoping, but knowing that what that is, that's going to be contagious. And also being like, okay, if I'm going to step into

this situation, I talk about this a lot on the show of like the golden orb theory, which is my idea that if you visualize this like big golden orb, like coming out of you and encircling everyone around you with each breath, it's like propelling confidence, it's propelling all of this like good, vibrant energy and everyone that it touches will immediately like you. That's like the kind of energy that I really like to bring to the situations. And it was interesting because it's also a really great way of discerning, you know, whether people are actually kind of at your level in a sense, like whether they're going to be a good match.

Because if, you know, you've got someone who's like, you're putting out all this really great energy and they're just not really picking it up and reciprocating it or even just not even noticing it or even. and the worst case scenario, like, not enjoying it. It's kind of like, well, okay, this stopped me from going really, really slow and cautiously and, you know, only asking questions and trying to like toe the line between expressing romantic interest and six months later, realizing that this person is probably not for me versus kind of, again, putting it, like, putting it out there.

Yeah. And seeing what they take for themselves or what they kind of hand back to me. Do you have any other confidence tricks, like that kind of instance of like a hack to immediately like be in the mindset that is ready to embrace the flow or ready to float no matter the outcome? Do you have any like tricks for people to get into that state of mind where they're prepared and willing to give it a go? Yeah. I think I do and I hope I hope everyone listening will like this. As I know like oftentimes you you think about the flirt as your date. or you're in a relationship.

And so it oftentimes goes in the direction of romantic, of expressing romantic interest. And so like, let's just say you're out one night with friends, like you're dancing and you see someone that's super, right, you find really attractive. You may be seeing them around a few times and you want to go and approach them and flirt. But maybe like the last one didn't go well. You're fearful, you know, oh, they're already taken.

They're actually here with someone and you didn't know. Or they are, right, their person isn't he. or they're going to reject you and then it can just like sour the rest of your night, you're feeling embarrassed and just like I've been in that situation plenty of times. And so

one thing that I love to work with is thinking about the flirt as ultimately an act of service, going into it with no expectations, right? You're not going in there expressing romantic interest or intent right away, but just looking to

bring a smile to someone's face, to uplift your mood and their mood in the process, to have a laugh, to share a moment. And have it be that, have it be truly that in the present moment, and you will oftentimes be surprised what unfolds after that. I really like that. Again, back to those like lowering your expectations,

not of yourself, but of what someone else might be willing to give back, which is really good. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness,

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This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So I want to talk about something else here because I think we're talking about flirting a lot in the sense of like casual connections, people you've just met, strangers even. How can we incorporate flirting into like long-term relationships? Because it's kind of like it can't just be something that you only pull out when you want to get someone. And then as soon as you've got them, you, you know, you stop the show. How do you kind of keep that as part of a healthy relationship? It's a good question because I I've like I've said that the flirt is the one thing that you'll have from your first meeting even before the first meeting all the way through the relationship like this is the one continuous thread that is going to like the first date starts with the flirt the second date you get there through the flirt and so on and so on and should it blossom into relationship the flirt is what is in many ways carrying like it's

It's a part of it. It's a part of it for sure. And being that the flirt is all about connection. So ultimately, how do you all like to connect? Like, what is something that you both enjoy that is super fun to do? If it's a poly or open relationship, that can be part of this discussion too. And so it's ultimately doing things that make you feel really connected to one another. And so sometimes I'll work with couples or one part of the couple where they're feeling disconnected.

and it's because they're not having a lot of quality time. It's maybe they don't feel considered when they're communicating, right? It's sort of like, oh, yeah, sure, sort of very being brushed off. So if you're not feeling truly seen in your relationship, of course, the flirt, it's like, that's going to go out the door. So there are some foundational things to work on perhaps around communication, around just understanding one another, respecting boundaries needs, like, some of that. But flirting can also be a huge part of what is going to have a relationship, be healthy,

and remain healthy as it's a way to connect to one another. And so I oftentimes like to share this one example. This is from my mom and stepdad. And what they do is they got this pack of action figures that's these little figurines, I think, from the dollar store. here in the States. And they hide them all over the house. And maybe on these action figures, like there's these little notes or maybe like the action figure is like holding something random like a flower from outside. Or maybe it has this little note that says, I love you. Or something

like that. Not a ton of time that really went into creating this moment of connection. And so I think just exploring, you know, maybe that was an example that you really like. If you're out there listening in a relationship, I think it's bringing those really genuine moments of connection into the relationship where the whole point is just to say, I see you, I'm glad you're in my life, I love you. And that's, the flirt can serve you there. Yeah. I really like that idea. That's actually very, very sweet. It's so cute. It's so cute. And it's almost like, um, maybe part of being flirty is being childish a little bit and really tapping into that part of you that's going to be willing to not be serious all the time as adult life kind of

makes us serious and it makes us think about big questions and responsibilities and all these things and it's like actually no get back to like the real innocent oh my god gentle gooey part of your relationship and tap into that and it's so cute because um my grandparents who are you know my grandpa is about to turn 90 and he is so flirtatious with my grandma still and I'm sure like that part of their relationship like the more sexual side of their relationship like has probably died down a little bit but you wouldn't be able to tell because it's like yeah he's always like you know has these gorgeous pet names for her it's like spoiling her and it's kind of like okay I can see that this is actually a deliberate strategy that you are using not to keep the love alive but to keep this

like spark a flame rather than just something that dwindles. So do you see that a lot with couples where it's like, what you're really missing here is just finding ways to connect and appreciate each other through the flirt? It's, yeah, because like as sometimes a relationship can become really transactional. It's like it's just about doing things for one another. If like you're both super busy, you're building careers, you're raising a family, perhaps. It's just, okay, I'm doing this. this. It just becomes, you're playing your roles that serves a purpose to an extent and this relationship becomes very transactional. Well, then it's like you're two people kind of cohabitating perhaps and it's like, where's the flirt? Where's the romance? And I feel like that's just as

valuable as all the other things that you would do for someone. Like I think sometimes the bare bones of a relationship are not enough. Showing up for them is great and like doing the dishes is great. And saying, I love you is great. And saying, I love you is great. but even having quality to bear minimum it's like and sometimes like I was talking to someone about this the other day and she's like yeah you know when your partner says I love you but like you know they don't actually like love you in that moment they're just saying it because they know that they are that they love you in general and it's really like taking the time to be like no like this is a conscious decision of mine to be like actively present in this relationship and to again

something you said earlier like to use this as a service like this is a service like this is a to you to keep this relationship alive. So my final question is any final tips, tricks, practical advice, pick up lines, anything that comes to mind that you think can elevate the flirt for people. I mean, this could be a whole other episode. Yeah. Just on this one question, I mean, I think, like, hopefully it's come through in the interview today that I am very playful and I love to have a lot of fun. So I think just coming back to the part of

the episode about your flirt style, maybe you really relate or identify with one of them. I think reflecting back to parts of this episode where we talked about what the flirt is, that it's about connection, that it comes without those expectations in the present moment. So having some of that flirt framework in place. And then when it comes to flirting in real life, it's like, you know, Like, have those one or two ways that you like to introduce yourself, that you like to start, initiate the flirt. It can be with some eye contact, smiling, that kind of thing. So just to give you, like, as an example, say, like, I were at the club, the club, and I saw someone cute. I wanted to flirt with.

And so instead of just like going right up, tapping them on the shoulder, like, hey, can I buy you a drink or something like that, I might, you know, kind of make eye. contact with them at some point, like around the bar on the dance floor, come over to them, be like, hey, I saw you looking at me from across the way and then make a joke about, oh, my God, do I still have my name tag on or oh, is my tag on inside out? Is my shirt on inside out or something like that? And then bring some humor into it, hopefully have them smile, laugh, and then at that point introduce myself, hey, my name is Benjamin. Yeah.

What's your night going? Yeah, and I really, really like that. You're in the flirt at that point. Introducing yourself can be a part of it. And then detaching from any and all expectations. At that point, maybe that's all, maybe that's the whole flirt. Or maybe we go to the dance floor. Maybe we go outside and talk more.

Yeah. Who knows? Yeah. I really like that. Who knows? And also that, sorry, I'm already, I'm continuing this conversation of it, even though I was like last piece. Last piece of advice, but I will say, like, one thing that you just mentioned there was, like, the self-deprecating humor as well. Like, if you want to take,

if you want to take the pressure off, maybe, you know, just make fun of yourself. Bring a little bit of, like, lightness and, like, yeah, just lightness to the situation so that neither of you feel like, okay, wait, there's expectations here. If this person isn't interested, like, they need to immediately shut me down or I need to be immediately conscious of them not liking it. Like, it's, Like it's, it's okay to just be a little bit again. I think this is a repetitive thing I've been saying. And that you've been saying is like, just be playful with it. It's a big part of it.

And the flirt is so much it's about possibility. It's about opportunity. And so if you find you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to flirt, like even I, I'm not in a flirting mood all the time. I don't flirt with literally everybody. So if you're not feeling up to it or you feel like, or someone you think they were flirting with you and you didn't pick up on it or someone you wanted to flirt with. And now that say you're at the club and that time has passed, oh my God, I'll never see them again. There's always another flirt. You didn't mess it up. It's okay. So just take the pressure off yourself where sometimes I feel like we we feel like we have to perform in the flirt where we have to show up as a certain person where, oh, now I want this person to see me as sexy or flirty or fun or. whatever. Like what you're, because you did an episode on this somewhat recently about this idea of perception and how

we're perceived. And I think this is, this happens in the flirt too where sometimes we show up as the way we want to be perceived versus showing up as truly ourselves. And this is back to the point of connection with the self. It's like, yeah, I want you to just show up as you, whoever that is, whoever you are, wherever you are, just to be you. Yeah. It's one of the hardest things in the world, though.

Yeah, I know. I know. I love my way. We're like, just be yourself. But it's like, no, it takes so well. But this is part of it. Yeah. Yeah.

This is part of it. Yeah. This is part of it. Yeah. I'm open to whatever happens. Like we talk about in the fear of being perceived episode. It's like that you need to, sometimes the best way to get over your fear of rejection is, is through exposure.

And just being like, okay, they might not be reciprocate. might not reciprocate and they'll still be okay. So I feel like that is a great place to end it. I want to say thank you so much for coming on for this episode. Where can everyone find you? Oh my goodness. I would love for everyone to come flirt with me on flirt Instagram, which is Instagram, flirt talk, which is TikTok. There's flirt to YouTube. I'm very much about branding and my podcast, flirtations, new episodes dropping every week where I talk about flirting, yes, but also lots of dating advice as well. I really focus on in my work the flirt through defining that relationship. So this early phase of dating where it's like sometimes what's happening?

Yeah, I know. It's always up in the year. But that actually, I feel like if you're like going through a single period at the moment, a low confidence period, definitely check out and stuff. It's incredible. It's amazing. And as always, if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to give us a follow, leave a five-star review. Whatever you are listening right now, maybe share with a friend who needs a little bit of flight advice or, you know, needs to be on floodstagram, whatever it is. And make sure you go and check out all of Ben's work. Until next week, stay safe, stay kind, and be gentle with yourself. We will talk very, very soon. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available.

I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side

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listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice in so much, correct? I doctored the test once. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing.

Greg, a lesbian. Michael Ranchini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is love trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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