The Psychology of your 20s - 241. Are we our own worst critic?

Episode Date: October 22, 2024

Sometimes the loudest critic, our biggest hater is not someone we know, it is ourselves. We are the ones who are the first to judge ourselves, to shut ourselves and our ambitions down, to say the nastiest things. In today's episode we break down why we are our own worst critic, including:  How we learn self criticism in childhood The evolutionary component to criticism  The role of the super ego  The role of comparison  Why no one is really looking at your that closely  How to embrace radical self compassion and acceptance How to use cognitive diffusion, and much more  This episode is a rerun whilst Jemma is recovering from an illness. We will be back on Friday with a brand new episode.  Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast For business: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, listen to learn.

the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice in so much, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Gillespie and Michael Mancini.

My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available.

I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWA percent on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed. I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he did.

deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is great to have you here back for another episode. Today, we are talking about something I think all of us have struggled with at some point in our lives. And that is why we are so hard on ourselves. Like all the time, it feels like this is the generation of self-criticism.

as humans and I think particularly in our 20s, we're often our harshest critics. We tirelessly scrutinize every little decision, every action, every outcome in our lives. Why am I such a failure? Why did I say that? Why don't I look like them? I must be doing something wrong and we constantly strive for perfection, expecting ourselves to reach these impossible standards that we've never really held for anyone else in our lives. But I think it's really interesting to examine why we put ourselves through this. What kind of drives this inner critic and this relentless pursuit of being flawless or perfect? The other irony of self-criticism that I find really fascinating, but also a bit disturbing or

interesting, is that we speak to ourselves in a way that we would never dream of doing so to others. So why do we find it so hard to give ourselves the same grace, the same love, the same forgiveness that we give people like our family, like our friends, like our partners? So today, we are going to peel back the layers of our inner critic and examine some of the evolutionary, biological, social roots of why we are so hard on ourselves. A lot of the theory says that it may actually come down to survival, whereby we are overly self-critical to avoid stepping out of line or acting against a societal norm so that we can be accepted. Or in the case of things like self-deprecating humour, we use that to make ourselves feel and seem more agreeable or to mask our insecurities

and protect ourselves. It all kind of comes down to, at the end of the day, our existence as social creatures and further to that of course our childhood. The words spoken to us as children, either by parents, by peers, by teachers, they become the words we speak to ourselves as adults. And a lot of that has to do with feeling like we need to earn love. We need to earn support to earn the good things in our lives and be absolutely perfect or else we're not worth that kind of treatment. So let's discuss.

We're going to talk about the origins of this nasty inner critic, but also how we can silence that inner voice. This episode, it's not about dwelling in the negativity. It's about gaining awareness, embracing vulnerability, and ultimately, I think, finding compassion for ourselves amidst all of our imperfections. I also really want to deep dive into some pretty, I would say, innovative, new therapeutic practices that have come about recently, including radical self-compassion and cognitive diffusion. These are both amazing practices and skills that can help us kind of silence that little mean voice in our head. I'm really keen for this episode. I hope you are too.

So without further ado, let's get into the psychology behind why we are so hard on ourselves. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong.

Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-P-P-Cent on the I-Hart Radio. app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim?

Well, you can find out on the Look Back at It podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all. all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so you all know.

I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah.

For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Keer Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we, are in possession of the thing.

And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth? Or are you a good person because you're afraid?

Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast,

Learn the Hardway. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story.

This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in someone's, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detestance. to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfectant.

They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Gregalespian and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences.

Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura O'Owold. Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I think I've recently become quite cognizant of the fact that for the longest time, maybe the majority of my life, I have always been my own worst critic, the loudest voice in my head constantly drowning out all the the positive things in my life with negative predictions and self-doubt, kind of honing that spotlight in on everything that I'm doing wrong and ignoring all the good things. It even got to the point where I was becoming self-critical about how much I was self-critical. I would have these

thoughts about how I was so stupid or had messed up and then an even louder voice would jump in and scold me for being like that. And neither of these voices was particularly, kind or helpful. So I've also become really fascinated with the why. As someone who is obviously really interested in psychology, it can be really hard to not seek an explanation for these kinds of behaviours and know that there is possibly a very logical, scientific, robust underpinning or kind of cause. I think it also minimises, I think, some of the shame and the personal blame that often accompanies self-criticism. And in this instance, there are so many explanations that explain why we are so hard on ourselves. So self-criticism, it's this tendency to evaluate ourselves

extremely harshly and to scrutinize our actions, our performance, our behavior, our body, our relationship, almost every aspects of our lives. It's distinct for. from self-awareness and the occasional self-policing in that it's a very automatic self-criticism self-blame and often feels like it's beyond our control and our default in any situation our default mental pattern is to actively blame ourselves and find our faults rather than see a situation objectively. B, it's excessively negative and maladaptive. It goes against our best interests and it actually undermines some of that helpful, productive behavior and coping mechanisms because this voice is so unnecessarily cruel. C is that we believe it. Unlike, I think,

the occasional bad thought about others that we can dismiss or call ourselves. out for when we are hard on ourselves, the only person who can validate that belief is us. And so we tend to believe these negative thoughts. We tend to really take them on board because the voice, the opinion that is with us, the most in our lives is our own. So it's the one that we trust the most as well. And finally, D, it negatively impacts our lives. We may find ourselves skipping.

social events or going out, not putting ourselves out there, dating people who treat us poorly, or ruminating on our failures to a point where we can't move on and we do become stuck in that moment and stuck in that thought spiral. All of these things, I think, really detract from the now, but also from our reality and they make it incredibly hard to be gentle and to have a kind mind and a really soft internal space for us to thrive. All of this stems from what we call in pop psychology the inner critic, this sub-personality, this almost separate unconscious entity that judges and demeans us. The inner critic is the voice in our head telling us that we are worthless or shaming us.

And it's been theorized that it's actually a manifestation of our ego. more specifically what Freud called our super ego. So this super ego is something that we all kind of develop in early childhood. And it's that part of us that internalizes all the things that society wants us to do, all the lessons from our parents, all the scolding, and it automatically senses our behavior. It's this kind of unconscious mechanism for regulating our actions. And that's basically where the end of the enderogical. inner critic comes from. It's natural to have this impulse control, right? To have our ego override some of

those extreme impulses, otherwise our society would kind of fall into anarchy. But when that inner critic is given too much control, instead of moderating certain behaviors, it absolutely paralyzes us. And I think one of the major ironies of self-criticism is that whilst we are constantly putting ourselves down and very carefully self-monering every little behavior for some perceived fault. We rarely level that same amount or severity of criticism against others. We have no problem celebrating our friends, accepting their failures, overlooking small things, hyping them up. But we cannot treat ourselves in the same way.

there's actually a very rational scientific explanation behind why this may be. Some researchers have proposed that we actually use different areas of our brain for judging others and judging ourselves because we are more attuned to our own behavior for survival, a lot less than the behavior of others. In one study conducted in the US, they actually examined this and what they did was they got participants to respond to a series of situations either from a place of self-criticism or self-reassurance. For example, they may have been told that they just received a rejection letter for a job and they were instructed to either speak kindly to themselves or to self-criticise.

Whilst they were doing this, they had them hooked up to an fMRI machine. This basically examines where blood is is kind of flowing in the brain and the logic is that when an area of the brain is active it needs more blood so therefore we can link the current behavior with the specific cortex or region and the results revealed this very significant association between self-criticism and the prefrontal cortex the part of our brain that is involved in regulating our thoughts and our emotions, but also in error detection and resolution as well as behavioral response inhibition, preventing us from doing things that are life-threatening or maybe embarrassing. And what this essentially concluded is that self-criticism as demeaning and awful as it is

may actually have an evolutionary role in keeping us safe from things like dangerous repetitive behaviors and possibly life-threatening errors. However, when it gets out of control, the opposite is also true. That's just one kind of biological possibility amongst many. The other one has to do with temperament and personality. The leading theory around why we are so hard on ourselves is that self-criticism is a negative personality trait that we all innately possess. But this, this trait exists on a spectrum or a continuum. And those of us who possess this very loud inner critic, a measuring higher on self-criticism as a personality trait.

Some of that comes from our temperament, maybe our DNA, you know, the mystery of where personality comes from, it's still a bit of a black box in psychology. But we do know that personality traits like self-criticism are a combination of nature, that being our genetics, and nurture, how we were raised. And that really leads into what I think is one of the biggest determining factors and reasons why some of us are so deeply self-critical. Adverse childhood experiences and childhood upbringing. We know so much more now about the kind of environment,

the kind of reassurance and love that children need to grow, especially compared to to a few generations ago. Studies have continuously shown across so many different areas that persistent parental criticism being constantly put down, even childhood bullying, instills what we would call a negative self-image and feelings of inherent inadequacy that continue into childhood. I think it used to be a very common belief that excessive criticism made a child stronger. And we know now that it doesn't. It just doesn't. And the reason some of us are so hard on ourselves likely originates from those early relationships

with caregivers and also with peers. So as children, we really internalize the words spoken to us, the language used against us, the treatment and how we incorporate those things as truth. Because we've never been told any differently. our only source of self-esteem is those around us. And when we're told that we're just not that smart, that we're ugly, that we're embarrassing, that we're worthless, these things become part of our belief system and part of our self-concept.

Those early years are just so formative because it's during that time that our brains are laying those important neural pathways, they're understanding our relationship to others, and we really need the validation of our caregivers. We need a loving environment to feel good about ourselves. Or when we don't receive that, the consequences are lifelong. And it's not just this kind of emotional neglect or verbal scolding that's influential. When we face really high expectations from our family, you know, the need for perfect grades to do a few sports,

play a couple of musical instruments, to be excellent at all of them, Our standards for ourselves are incredibly out of proportion to what we're sustainably able to accomplish, but yet our sense of self has been hijacked for this need for approval and to be perfect, and we begin to internalize these expectations and self-police through excessive criticism. It's also influenced by how our parents or caregivers treat praise and love. In psychology, there is this important distinction between conditional and unconditional positive regard. So conditional positive regard means only giving someone love, giving them support, praise, warmth when they meet certain expectations or a set of conditions.

Love is conditional on our ability to meet some standard. It's not freely given. In contrast, we have unconditional positive regard. And that means loving someone supporting them, regardless of whether they meet our expectations. We can see why conditional positive regard might be especially harmful as a child and also contribute to that self-criticism later in adulthood. If you learnt that love and warmth and support, all of which are basic human needs, were something to be earned, we become exceptionally good at blaming ourselves when we feel. fail and we're found undeserving. This kind of attitude teaches us that it is our actions that

caused us to be neglected, our actions that caused love and praise to be withheld. Something about us is wrong. Something about us is bad. And we carry that with us for a long, long time. Like I always say the words spoken to us in childhood become the words we speak to ourselves in adulthood. And I found that over and over again to be true, especially when we dive further into the psychology behind negative self-talk. That inner critic we were speaking of before, that voice can often sound a lot like the voice of our parents, or a judgmental friend, a bad ex-partner who put us down. Sometimes we don't realize how much we take on that apparent feedback of others, and they don't even need to be there or be saying those things for you to still think about the.

for you to still believe them. I remember back in, like, I don't know, a couple of years ago, I was dating this guy right when I started this podcast. I think I was like six months into recording. And he said to me one day, he was like, your podcast is so generic. I don't think anyone is ever going to relate to it. And his voice runs through my head almost every time I publish an episode.

Every time I do something different, every time I take a risk, no one's ever going to listen, no one's going to relate. But it's not his voice anymore, right? It's my voice now. Because even though, you know, I tried to shake it off at the time, I loved that person. I unfortunately trusted his opinion. And some part of me truly did believe him and took that so deeply and so to heart. And I think it was in the aftermath of that situation that I became particularly negative towards myself and and quite self-deprecating. Self-deprecation is an element of this that I think is really important to discuss,

because it has so many nuanced hidden links to self-criticism that are rarely spoken about. I think a lot of us like to use self-deprecating jokes and humor at our expense, and we think it's funny, right? It keeps us humble, and it might seem fairly harmless to call ourselves stupid in front of our friends, to kind of downgrade our achievements, but really that's actually just our inner critic, masking as being humorous or being humble. At the end of the day, it's still a negative self-evaluation, even if you're joking. There's another explanation proposed by researchers that we adopt self-deprecation in an attempt to

appear more modest and seem really agreeable, but I also find that we use this kind of language, these kinds of jokes, to protect our self-deprecation. esteem and our ego. If I already think that about myself, no one can use it against me. If I tear myself down first in a social situation, no one else can do it for me. It's an armor. It's a protective coping mechanism against the judgment of others. Sometimes I think we can even use it in some ways as a form of motivation. If you naturally have a negative self-perception, telling yourself you're awful, that you're going to fail. For some people, I think it can compel them to perform, to do better, to be better.

That's not a particularly sustainable way of motivating ourselves, though, because when we fail, we just reinforce that belief system. And when we succeed, it's a fluke. That voice isn't going anywhere. That's the cycle, right? It's like drinking more alcohol and expecting. it to help you become sober. Using self-criticism to push yourself or to eliminate your negative self-appraisal is not going to make you love yourself anymore. I want to discuss two other reasons

why we are so hard on ourselves after this break, as well as some of the best ways to kind of break out of this habit, to liberate us from that really nasty inner voice telling us will never be good enough, will never succeed. So all of that and more in just a second. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry.

We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people.

I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam Jek. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill,

waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack all day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes.

I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast. or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Keer Games.

And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tript Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it. and we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch.

Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth? Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person.

Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose. On my new podcast, learn the hard way. Open your free. iHeartRadio app search learn the hard way and listen now in twenty twenty three former bachelor star clayton eckard found himself at the center of a paternity scandal the family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story this began a years long court battle to prove the truth you

doctored this particular test twice in so on correct i doctored the test ones it took an army of internet detectives to crack the case i wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars we're being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Gillespie and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown.

I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Maricopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over. until justice is served in Arizona.

Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There are two final psychological explanations that I want to discuss super briefly. The first is overthinking and over-analyzing, and the second is the power of social comparison as a fuel for our inner critic. If you listened to my episode on overthinking, it's an absolute favorite of mine, you'll know that it's sometimes possible to almost be too self-aware. And one of the consequences of that is being way too hard on ourselves, especially in relation to how we think others perceive us. Our brain tricks us into thinking that overthinking a scenario, examining every possible way we've messed up or done something wrong, will prepare us for the future.

It will allow us to prepare for the judgment of others. It links to this fear of uncertainty, firstly, but also our innate evolutionary fear of the opinions of others. And I think that's really crucial. Others' opinions, they are important. Let's not discredit that entirely. Historically, we needed the approval of others to remain in the in-group to be accepted and therefore protected by the herd.

And it's been proposed that our tendency for negative self-talk evolved from this instinct. This fascinating article, I'll leave it in the description. It's summed it up perfectly. Negative self-talk has served an evolutionary purpose. It comes from this evolutionary brain circuit in our brain. It's called the default mode network. And it helped people survive by aligning their interests with the group norms. We needed to follow the standards of the group.

group. We need to constantly monitor our behavior so that if we step out of line, we can correct ourselves before we're ostracized. That is why the default mode is self-directed and critical. It's trying to keep you alive. There's also that element of social comparison. Our inner critic loves, absolutely loves using others as fuel for our own insecurities. How do I know that I'm a terrible person? Well, look at her. She's obviously incredible and kind. And since I'm not like her, I must be awful. How do I know I'm a failure? Well, look at all that they've achieved. Look at them. How do I know that I'm unattractive? Well, she is beautiful. I don't look like her. So I must be unattractive. I must be ugly. I think that the important thing is to realize that the existence of someone

else's value and success is not evidence of our inadequacy. Those two things are completely separate. Our value and their value are not mutually exclusive. No one is living the same way. And beyond that, I think an important thing to remember is that no one is looking at you as closely or judging you as closely as you are judging yourself. Our inner critic benefits from us feeling like we're at the center of the universe. because that just adds weight to how important our actions and behaviours are and therefore how perfect they need to be. That's not true. No one is looking at you. I promise we are all just as self-obsessed as the next person. And there's this thought experiment I always like to do when

I start to really worry and overthink about the opinions of others. And that is, when was the last time you noticed a mistake someone else made. When was the last time that you cringed at someone else? And what was that person's name? What were they wearing? What does that say about them? And how often do you actually think about it? Genuinely, how often?

Because if you're thinking about someone else's mistakes a lot, that's really not their problem. That's a you problem. And the same goes for other people who are spending their hours judging you. That is not your problem. And exacerbating or heightening those opinions in your mind is only going to increase your susceptibility and I guess the frequency by which you are hard on yourself. So how do we stop doing this? How do we rein in that pesky inner voice? That can feel especially hard. I want to give credit to people who are like, I don't know if I can do that because

You know, when we understand the childhood roots and the roots in so many historical events, childhood bullying, things that we cannot change, it's really hard to feel like we have agency or control over this thought pattern. But I do believe that we can change our negative self-perception. Those are our thoughts. We should feel empowered and able to control them. Additionally, I think when we think good things about ourselves, it kind of makes us this like amazing person.

Like I don't know if there is a theory behind this. Like I haven't really looked into it. So take it with a grain of salt. But I think anecdotally, I've found that when I think better things about myself, I think better things about others. I just kind of have this like this glow, this energy to me that I find really attractive and that I would hope others do as well because you already see yourself in a better light. You feel more respect for yourself.

and you demand that respect from others. So I do think it's really critical that we step through exactly how we can stop judging ourselves, being mean to ourselves and putting ourselves down. I think our initial instinct, when we initially recognize ourselves in a negative thought spiral, is to ironically be more self-critical to shame ourselves. Criticizing our self-criticism comes from that misguided belief that you have to do something in response to it. And since we've formed a habit around judgment, our knee-jerk reaction to counteract the self-criticism is to just amp it up, to just add more fuel to the fire. I think

you can either treat your inner critic as an enemy, you can treat them as an ally, or as neither, as just a thing, it's just something that exists. And I think that taking away its power by detaching it from our identity, we regain the most control. So you need to create kind of a psychological distance from your self-criticism by personifying it. Give it a name. Give it a feature. Give it a face. Maybe call it the little devil. It could be anything. Just give it a name. Treat it like it's neither an enemy or a friend. It's just this little creature that exists in your mind who wonders from room to room, you know, a case. Occasionally it pops up, but you know what's around and it's not scary, and you can acknowledge it and say hi, be like, hi little creature, hi little devil, whatever you want to call it, and then ignore it. It's just like a little critter that lives in your house. This article in the Harvard Business Review, which is one of my go-to places for finding some of these studies, an amazing resource. If you are a psychology student, I will say. But it explains why this personification is so powerful.

we name our inner critic, this leverages a concept called cognitive diffusion. And it's a process by which we separate ourselves and our identity from our thoughts. So diffusion is shown to reduce discomfort. It reduces stress, reduces particularly stress around negative thoughts. And it also promotes psychological flexibility or the capacity to be aware and open and to adapt to your changing emotional circumstances. You know, it's not, your thoughts do not own you. That's what cognitive diffusion says. Your thoughts are just a thought.

There's also this incredible theory in psychology called radical self-compassion. I could talk about this idea for hours. It's possibly my new favorite theory. And it initially arose as just radical compassion. And it was used to describe a specific type of empathy towards other people. that this philosopher can lamp it, he suggested that loving others unconditionally kind of has a healing element to it. When we love others deeply, we can heal them. We can alleviate what they're going through. And when we direct that compassion and love towards ourselves, we can heal ourselves

and stop being so hard on ourselves. We do this by emulating the kind of love we would typically receive from others and giving that love to ourselves, redirecting it. We don't need to earn it. Our self-compassion is radical and freely given. Think about it in terms of the five love languages to kind of structure our thinking. So those are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. You need to adapt and adopt those love languages and direct them towards yourself.

speak kind words say two things to yourself every day that are positive tell yourself that you are proud of how far you've come tell others that you are proud of yourself as you would say that you are proud of your friends or your family members I would also say make time to spend with your thoughts my favorite activity is solo dates and one of my friends Claude who was on the show recently shared this amazing practice that they have where once a month they go to a different Italian restaurant in Sydney and get a glass of wine, a pastor, and they journal about how they're feeling and where they see the next month going. That is self-love. That is self-compassion and it counteracts that negative self-image. You know, that's adapt to those further. Buy yourself a little trait every now and again.

Not because you've worked hard for it, not because you've been quote unquote good, but because you deserve to have nice things. You deserve to feel happy. Make your bed in the morning, clean your room in the evening because you know that your future self will thank you the same way that you would want others to do upon you with acts of service. You can do upon to yourself. And finally, give yourself physical touch. This sounds really strange sometimes when I explain it to people, but touch actually activates our parasympathetic nervous system. That is what helps us exit flight or flight mode and it helps us feel safe and calm. And we can physically self-souve and create that same reaction by doing things like placing one hand over our heart

and the other hand over our shoulder and just giving a tight squeeze or caressing our own face. That is radical self-compassion. It's saying you don't need to earn the love that you give yourself. It is freely given. It is yours. If you don't see how this relates to minimizing your inner critic, I want to explain a little bit further. We know that one of the root causes of being hard on ourselves is feeling like you are undeserving of love or empathy or seeking validation from others because, you know, you're of childhood deprivation or an intense pressure to prove yourself or bullying. But when you institute radical self-compassion, you give yourself the permission that maybe others haven't given you to feel good, to celebrate yourself, to be loved.

And before we ask others to do that for us, we need to find a way to reach that conclusion and deliver that feeling on an individual level. And there have been so many experiments that have shown self-compassion reduces the negative effects of shame and self-criticism. And it's even created its own type of therapeutic practice called compassion focus therapy. So there you go. Look into that as well. I find that is so fascinating. Some other strategies are to do a bit of a mental and social detox. Sometimes it's the things in our environment that are causing us to be excessively negative. Maybe a particularly strained toxic friendship or a bad habit that is bringing forward a lot of guilt. So do a bit of a stock of your life.

What feels good? What doesn't? What is creating a negative thought spiral? And is it possible to eliminate this from your life? One of the things that my therapist actually said to me as well is like, what, and what days do you feel the best about yourself? And what are you doing on those days? What are you wearing on those days?

And on what days are you feeling bad about yourself? What do you do on those days? What are you wearing? Who are you interacting with? What are you eating? all of those little things really do contribute to our self-image on a day-to-day basis. Also, further to that idea kind of of not treating self-criticism like an enemy, another way to bring it under our control is to almost counterintuitively

give ourselves the occasional permission to be a bit mean. You can't always quit cold turkey, especially if that negative self-talk is a deeply ingrained thought pattern. So instead, give yourself five minutes a day to think those negative thoughts if you really can't break out of them. Contain the habit. And then you can be like, okay, I gave myself five minutes, I did that, I let myself feel bad, I let myself be cruel, and that part of my day is done.

Those thoughts are going to remain in that moment. and my life is going to go on. It's also important to just be neutral towards your thoughts, especially as they relate to your perceived failures or imperfections. A thought is just a thought. It's not the truth. You can think it and you don't have to believe it. It can just exist.

That was a really powerful realization for me, not just in relation to my tendency to be hard on myself, but also how I treat self-doubt and anxiety and even body dysmorphia and insecurity. Just because I think something about myself does not make it true. And I think all of those practices are incredibly liberating. We deserve to have a peaceful mind. I think we can be our own worst enemy.

We can really take on the feedback of others and make it our own and criticize as a way to almost protect ourselves but also to humble ourselves. and to make ourselves feel less than. You are not the only one, I promise. I think that this is highly common in this generation, especially because we have so many points to elicit social comparison. Like I talk about the prominence of social media all the time, but it used to be that we could only really view those in our community

and in our surroundings. And then we had the internet, but it was always in one corner of the house on the computer. And now suddenly we can walk around every day with a phone. glued to our hands, and if at any point we want to feel bad, we want to judge ourselves, we can find a million ways to do that. We can look at a million different pictures of other people's perfect lives and perfect bodies and perfect jobs and just feel inherently really crappy. So I don't think that that is forever. I think that's something that we can act out against

and we can push back against. And I just hope that this episode gave you some valuable insight, firstly in psycho education, but also some tips and some strategies. Like I said, radical self-compassion, life-changing. So life-changing. Cognitive diffusion, also incredible. So this episode was definitely one that I really enjoyed researching and putting together. As always, if you enjoyed it and you think someone in your life might enjoy it as well, please feel free to send them a link to this episode. You never know what they'll take from it. Also, again, I'm going to plug the Patreon because I would love to see more of my loyal listeners over there. You get access to you know, bonus episodes, bonus content and newsletter, all of the episode transcripts. You can vote

on upcoming episodes, free merch, and it's as little as $1 a month. So it goes a long way when a lot of people contribute. I'll leave a link in the episode description. And please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now. If you did enjoy this episode, we will be back next week. I will see you then. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host, Kear Games.

This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

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