The Psychology of your 20s - 267. Starting over in your 20s

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

Sometimes our 20s feels more like a checklist than a decade: graduate, find dream job, meet life partner, secure friends, buy house. What happens when your perfect life plan suddenly crumbles underneath you and you are forced to start over? Today we discuss this common 20-something experience, including:  The 5 biggest ways we find ourselves starting over Why our fear of failure keeps us stuck  The psychology behind timeline comparison  The mindset shift you need for fresh starts  How to rebuild after a sudden change in course + so much more  Listen now if you find yourself in the same boat and thank you to our lovely listener at the beginning of the episode for sharing her story.    PREORDER MY BOOK: https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/general-clean Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast For business: [e-mail]    The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host, Keer Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our 20s.

So I don't know about you, but it often feels like my 20s, they aren't just about like, like, like, 20s, they aren't just about, like, like growing and experiencing life. There's almost this implicit feeling that they're actually about ticking off a checklist. You know, some people call it like the 30 before 30, right? Moving out of home, graduating university, tick, get a good job, tick, find a life partner, solidify like your lifetime friendship group, buy a house, travel, invest, etc, etc. There is this very almost omnipresent blueprint given to us by, society, by our peers, by our parents, by the media about how this decade is meant to look.

And it's quite linear and consecutive. It's constantly moving forwards and upwards. But what if you are one of those people? One of many of us who find themselves completely starting over in their 20s, starting from scratch. The carefully laid plans, you know, kind of may have crumbled the future that we'd imagined. Anne had been so sure of suddenly doesn't seem that fun and enjoyable anymore. Maybe we've realized that we've made a mistake.

We need to leave the relationship, leave the job, leave the city we're in, leave the friendship, leave the life that we've kind of created so far. That is a reality for a lot of us. It is very hard to admit to ourselves when and that we do need to start over. So hard, in fact, I think, that few of us ever really do. Instead, we endure a life and we endure a reality that doesn't fit us because the prospect of the unknown and of starting over feels not only shameful but very scary. However, when we do admit it to ourselves that we are ready to start over or when that decision is kind of thrust on us, I think it can be quite liberating if we take a different perspective on it. Now I don't want to discount that there is going to be fear there.

There is going to be confusion, especially since we feel like we've fallen off the blueprint. We maybe don't have plans anymore. We don't have seemingly in our mind an ideal sense of the future. But I really want to talk about why that is okay and why this is actually a very common experience. and if you're feeling isolated, overwhelmed, maybe shameful as we, you know, ashamed as we mentioned before, that is exactly what I would expect you to be feeling in this moment. But it shouldn't discourage you or shouldn't make you feel like you haven't made the right choice or that this is actually going to turn out completely entirely okay.

We are going to discuss some of the common ways that we are forced to start over in our 20, the biggest reasons why we have so much fear towards this experience, whether that's because of timeline comparison or the fear of the unknown, lots of identity, our attachment to comfort, we're going to discuss all of those factors. Plus, and this is the most important part of this episode, how to shift from that really fear-based mindset to an opportunity-based mindset when you encounter the opportunity to start over in your 20s. I also really want to share some listener stories.

I've been doing that more and more because I just feel like there is so much wisdom from the community. And sometimes I think just hearing that other people are going through what you are going through is the assurance that we all need. And I want to remind you, just because something about your life isn't working out right now doesn't mean that the rest of your life is doomed. That is the main philosophy and theme that we will be promoting in this episode. So I hope that if you are in this position, this brings you comfort, knowledge, information, maybe just a sense of calm. And without further ado, let's get into the episode. What does it feel like to start over in your 20s?

I want to share a story from a listener, actually, to start us off. And I think this story just really captures the, I don't know, the essence of what it feels like to start over. Hey Gemma, I want to share my story of starting over in hopes that it will help someone else feel less like a failure because they didn't get it right the first time. When I was 27, I had my dream job. I was making commercials, working my way up to potentially being a film director. I had all of these friends, a nice flat. I was living in London with my boyfriend who I'd met at 22. We lived together and we had a cat and I thought for sure he was going to propose in the next year.

everything basically just seemed laid out perfectly in front of me. Within the span of two months, I lost my job when COVID started. My boyfriend broke up with me because he caught feelings for one of his co-workers, and my dad had a stroke, so I moved back home to take care of him. Enter my dark days. For the next year, it felt like my trajectory was permanently changed, and I was going to be a failure and miserable. This was the beginning of the end.

I hadn't felt this uncertain since I was. I was 17, because in the last 10 years, the next step had always been obvious for me. And I guess I took that for granted. Slowly, but surely, I started to really think, what do I want the next 10 years of my life to look like? What is going to make me happy? I started to put things into action, and now I can confidently say that I am happier than ever.

My dad got better, and now I live in Italy, and I teach yoga. I got certified two years ago. I run my own business as well. I live in my own apartment with my two cats now and have a beautiful community around me. It honestly scares me to think that this life almost didn't happen and that I thought what I had before was the peak of happiness, not even close. So this email, I got this email before I even announced that I was going to do this episode. This person must have just known that maybe someone else out there needed to hear it. and it honestly left me really emotional.

And I just want to repeat my favorite part once more because it's incredible. This is the part that I love. It honestly scares me to think that this life almost didn't happen. Now, is that not the most beautiful and wise reminder from someone who has lived through and experienced this thing that we kind of fear everything falling apart? That is what happened to her and she's fine now. You know, I just couldn't not include this story because sometimes, like I said, just hearing how someone else's circumstances have turned out is enough to sue their own doubt in a way. I think this story is also incredible because it touches on three very unique ways that we may be forced to start over in our 20s.

Relationships, career and location, but also family and priorities. So actually almost five. And each of them feels so uniquely significant. It just blows my mind that this person. and experience so many different, you know, so many different ways of life becoming chaotic all at once, and she survived. So let's talk about the ways in which we might be forced to start over. And I'm going to focus on career first because I think when our career intentions and dreams change or our path becomes unclear, we can feel very unmoored, usually because our identity

is somewhat, if not, seriously tied to our vocation and what we do for a living, what we're pursuing, especially in our 20s, right? It just feels like work is at the center. We are meant to be climbing the corporate ladder, working really hard, figuring out what we want to do. So when we don't feel like we know or we feel like we do know when it's not working out, it can be very distressing. There are many ways that this kind of happens to us. You may have been unexpectedly fired or made redundant in the last couple of years. You may even get to a stage where you realize that you're just faking it. You know, this isn't what you want anymore or the industry is changing and you just can't

get the job. You've pushed yourself so hard. You're not getting any traction. Sometimes we reach a tipping point in these circumstances where we realize, okay, I gave it a go. It might be time to abandon ship. I'm not happy here anymore. It's not working out.

and yes the future feels unclear but so does this current timeline that I'm on when you really actually consider it and sit with this reality for a lot of people you kind of realize that a lot of us are basically forced to put ourselves on a career or a professional trajectory very early on at like 17 or 18 years old and i don't know about you but 17 year old jemma she had no idea what she wanted. She thought she knew. She thought she was a genius. She thought she had it all figured out. Absolutely. No way. She was so naive. That was a big wake up call when, you know, I started to think, huh, maybe what I dreamt about at 17 or 18 isn't what 24 year old me actually cares about anymore. And if you're going through that right now, I really feel for you. But I also think it's important to actually periodically reflect on what you actually want from your professional life and make changes where you deem necessary kind of before it's too late. The second biggest dimension area where we feel

like we could be starting over is our relationships. Now I mean both platonic and romantic, but let's really zoom in on romantic for a second. So I was talking to my friend Steph the other day about something that's happening in our friendship circle, which is there has been a series of long-term relationship breakups that have occurred amongst our friends. And I am talking like five, seven, 10-year relationships all coming to an end. It's like everyone turns 27, realizes they're closer to 30 than ever before, their satin returns, and they break up. So that period between around 27 to 29 is when a lot of us experience our first major breakup with a long-term partner. Maybe that's someone that you've fallen in love within your early 20s and now, you know,

you are faced with the idea of entering 30 with them. You realize that you want to enter it with someone else. But it's very common for people to reach their late 20s and see a real flip in their relationship priorities. And it's not a coincidence. It's been suggested by some social. psychologist that 27 to 30, 27 to 29 is a very serious and key stage in relationships where you're kind of at this age where you either get serious or you get out. I think that's how a lot of us feel.

This is also known by another name. It's called the seven year itch. I don't know if you've heard that name before, but it basically refers to this idea that at around seven years a relationship either needs to change or needs to be left behind. And either you evolve together or you go your separate ways. This is actually one of the main timeline hurdles for a relationship. It's typically six months, two years and seven years. Those are the times in which people are most likely to break up. It follows a very similar pattern for a lot of us.

Even as I'm telling you this though, you might be comforted by the science. You might be able to say, oh, okay, so, This is normal. I don't think that reduces the fact that it's a very serious, deep, profoundly moving loss. No one enters a relationship thinking this has an expiry date and at 27 I'll break up and find someone new. Typically we are in it for the long haul. We're committed to this person. So I also think that even if you know deep down, this is what is right.

You will find someone else or you will be okay alone. it doesn't lessen the sting, at least in the first three to six months. It's definitely, I think, not made any easier by this societal stigma around being single and the sense that if you're not partnered up, you are not whole. You're either in a couple or you're half a person. You must be either looking for love or in love. You know, how could you possibly be in that middle space of just being happy by yourself? another way that we typically start over in our 20s is financially.

Maybe you've made a big purchase, maybe you've lost money, maybe you've gone all in on traveling, you've come back with nothing. I see this a lot. I actually don't think it's a bad thing. I think that what is money if it's not something that unlocks a better life for you? And for some people, money unlocks the security and comfort of a home or of long-term financial stability. for others it unlocks things like travel and it unlocks things like giving yourself the experiences

you maybe always wanted as a child or giving yourself kind of that texture to life so financially i think obviously i'm not going to give you financial advice and you do what is best for you and what feels most aligned with your life priorities but i think starting over financially in our 20s is not always this big dark looming cloud that is promising you failure for for the rest of your years right i don't think that it's a mistake to spend your money even if it means not having as much as people your own age or feeling like you don't have as much saved as you know tom down the road or beth up the street also um kind of on a similar note not really but moving this is a time our 20s are a time when a lot of us want to live in and see new places.

The amount of friends that I have who have moved to London in the last year, shocking. Shocking. I have this joke that like every Australian turns 25 and moves to London and every person in the UK turns 25 and moves to Australia. Like it honestly feels that way. But really, it is a time when we're looking for a refresh. We're looking for a new environment. We're looking for new friends.

Adjusting to that, though, isn't always going to be a fairy tale. We like comfort. We like what we know. And there will be probably a period of disconnect where you don't have the same community or knowledge of a city or a space that you did when you lived back at home. I have a rule for situations like this though. If you are lucky enough to move to a new city or a new country, I need you to give it at least six months, six months where you cannot decide whether to stay or to go. because that period of time is typically how long it does take to learn a new place, to solidify some new friendships, to feel comfortable in a new job,

and to get a sense of home. So if part of your fresh start in your 20s has been a significant move and you're struggling, you're thinking, oh my God, like fuck, I made it terrible decision. Please keep the six-month rule in mind. one final way that we typically see people restarting during this decade is almost like a complete overhaul. It's not to do with finances. It's not to do with relationships, career, it's everything. It is a refresh and a rebirth or most of our entire personality where we decide we need new hobbies, we need new beliefs, we need new clothes, new habits. It's part of our personal evolution.

And I think normally when we get to that point where we do feel like we need to transform ourselves as people, we've definitely reached an internal or emotional tipping point where at some stage you realize that you are no longer happy and you will never be happy in this current version of yourself. So that is definitely another way that we are promised a fresh start in our 20s. So these are the most common core examples. I'll also say that at the time of recording this, you know, there are huge fires in LA and many people have had to start over because of something completely. completely drastic, dramatic, out of their control like a natural disaster. And those experiences for other people sometimes really put into perspective our own problems. But it really does go to show that you can do everything right and there can still be factors

outside of your control that can get to you and that can force a fresh start. So when we are either involuntarily or voluntarily push to restart and start over in our 20s, we are likely to encounter some pretty emotional, psychological, hard barriers or things that make it difficult and that bring about doubt and confusion. And I want to talk about all of those after this short break. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental tough. fitness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical

and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO percent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people.

I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do a little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam Jette. Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84's big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know.

I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack, so I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now, so. Thank you for finishing that sentence. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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And we associate it with feeling like we've failed or feeling like we're disappointing people or like you've wasted those early years. Why does it feel so weird to admit to ourselves and to others that we're starting over? I think the first reason that this is so hard, and I would say the primary reason in this generation is timeline comparison. As humans, part of our DNA, I guess, part of our blueprint, our social blueprint has evolved to compare, to look at our peers or our friends as a way to see whether we are doing this whole life thing correctly. And if the majority of people are where we are, we largely assume we're doing okay if they're at a similar point in, you know, their life as us.

kind of think, okay, no problems, we're fine, we're not going to fall behind, no disaster, but if our perception of other people's progress and success is that they are much more advanced than us, and that is the norm. We are engaging in something called upward social comparison, and that can really bring about a sense of pressure or shame, doubt, confusion that we are falling behind. Milestone or life trajectory is probably one of the main things that we compare ourselves on in our 20s, most likely because there is no guidebook for how well we should be going. There is no unique special way that we should be doing things. So we tend to use examples in our environment like our friends, our similarly aged colleagues, people we see online as a way to tell us. We don't

realize though when we do that either consciously or unconsciously we don't realize that we have a real blind spot we do not have an accurate sample we are not seeing the whole picture we are not seeing the areas of these people's lives where they themselves feel behind in fact recent research would tell you that when we compare we are actually most likely to choose the most accomplished person we know and treat them as the average when really they're not. It's a cognitive bias that we have. The truth is there is no one correct path, but we also tend to forget that because social comparison is not rational, it's emotional, it is going to make you feel more insecure as a way to motivate you in this very human way to be like everyone else. Compounding this, I think, is this cultural

narrative that we all encounter that our 20s are a make or break time, one where we are supposed to have it all figured out or at least be on our way. And this pressure really feeds into imposter syndrome, making us feel like we are constantly falling short that we don't deserve to be where we are or that even when we are someone that we're happy to be, we could be further along. The thing is, is that this kind of timeline comparison, and I'm certainly, not blaming you for indulging in it, I definitely do it as well. Sometimes it's just instinctual, but it's actually not making it any easier for us to change our lives or to move in the direction that we want. So there was a 22 study from the University of Florida that found that the more

frequently we compare ourselves on things like timelines, the fewer positive feelings we have about ourselves and the less we feel that we can act to change our life or be better, do better. So it becomes a bit of a trap. You feel shit in comparison to someone else that's going to make you feel like you have no capability or agency to make your life better. So you stay stuck. I think, again, what exacerbates this and makes it harder is when nobody is talking about it.

When nobody is willing to say, yeah, I made a mistake. and I'm starting over. Or this didn't work out and I'm starting over. So just simply telling your story and being open about how your life is turning out and how it might not be turning out as planned, we feel like we are the only one who is experiencing this and we feel like we are admitting to some failure. That brings a lot of shame about not just what we are doing, but our inherent qualities, right? this is why it can be so painful because we think that admitting to our life plan not working out

shows that we are someone who wasn't good enough wasn't capable enough wasn't resilient enough didn't deserve some success when really that is not the case your brain logic in this instance is not working in your favor it's actually sabotaging our ego and sense of self further almost because it would prefer that we be the ones to tell ourselves that we're a failure than have someone else tell us. So if we go into this and we have no examples of anyone else experiencing what we're experiencing or normalizing it and then we feel like we have to tell people and admit to it,

our brain's going to convince us that we are much more horrible, terrible, much more of a failure than we actually are almost just a way to protect our ego by injuring it in the first place. So comparison, a fear of failure, that's definitely what makes starting over externally scary, but let's talk about some of the internal, more personal reasons that we do tend to struggle in these situations. The first big one is a fear of the unknown.

Truly, any fear that you have comes down to this greater fear of the unknown. Because if you knew what was going to happen, if you knew that the snake wouldn't bite you, the plane wouldn't crash, that everything would turn out okay, you wouldn't be scared. You wouldn't be scared. So it's the uncertainty that matters. How many of us have wished someone would just be able to concretely say that for certain, everything will be all right.

Oh, and you know, by the way, in three months, that's when you're going to find the new job. And you're going to meet your soulmate in approximately 17 months and nine days. And in two weeks, you'll have one of those days where everything about this new life makes sense. we all hunger and crave that kind of validation that we are on the right path. Thing is, no one can tell us that. No one is going to be able to give you the answer and tell you when it's all going to fall into place. Therefore, we have to manage this very natural anxiety around the unknown by ourselves the best we can. The alternative is staying attached to what is comfortable, the stagnant career, the unhappy relationship, the unfulfilling friendship,

the city, the place that doesn't give you any joy, you could always stay there. You could always remain in this nice, comfortable, safe bubble because you are too scared of what might happen. I just don't think that is a good alternative. And what are you going to be more glad that you did in a year? In five years, in ten years, are you going to be glad that you stayed safe and you stayed locked away? Or are you going to be glad that you looked at your life, you said, I'm not. not happy here and you change things. I do also want to offer you a different way of framing this, which is that life would be utterly and completely boring if you knew how it was all going to turn out.

It would honestly be such a drag to know how everything was going to unfold down to the minute details, how everything was going to turn out. Honestly, it would seem very pointless to be living this life with no anticipation and no surprises. So even if there is not a lot of joy in not knowing and not a lot of joy in the chaos, I do think that the alternative would be even more horrendous. So let's talk about the final reason why I think starting over in our 20s is so hard. And that is because of the loss of identity that we experience when we transition away from our career choices or our relationship or the places of comfort. A lot of people think that identity formation takes place in our childhood, and in many ways that is true, but it also really gets tested and solidified in our

20s. Our identity, I'd like to think about it as being made up of many buckets, from values to culture, to relationships, career, hobbies, appearance, beliefs. We tend to piece our identity together from things that surround us and attach significance to positions and roles like our job title, like who we're dating, like where we live, our environment. Now, when those things naturally fall away, when we are forced to start over when some spanner is thrown into the wheel, we feel very unmoored from the pillars of who we are. you're kind of just left with a few remnants of your identity when material or I guess outside things fall away. So let me use the example of a long-term relationship.

When a long-term relationship ends, often people will struggle rebuilding a full and complete sense of self because they've really tied themselves up in this other person. So they may have neglected the things that really do make them unique, like their interests or their beliefs. or their values and so you really have to work your way back to that place of deep self-knowledge because you can no longer rely on this relationship or this other person to define you and that is going to be emotionally painful and stressful and scary if you didn't think you were going to be here I've seen this happen in so many friends relationships and to be completely honest with you I'm sure that if me and my boyfriend or my partner broke up right now

it would be likely that I would fall into this same spiral because naturally when you care about someone when you're imagining a future with them, you sort of neglect the parts of you that would allow you to be fully independent and that would allow your identity to be fully formed on your own. I don't think that's a bad thing at all. I think that's a sign of healthy, reliance and dependency.

It is just an adjustment. Okay, so far we have really zoned in on explaining the hard parts of starting over and why our feelings about it to emerge, I think it is time that we shift to a more future-oriented, positive approach, and really examine how we can use psychology and what we know about ourselves as humans to use these unfortunate fresh starts to our advantage. So when we come back, I'm going to talk advice, I'm going to talk leveraging transitional periods,

and why the best time to start over is actually right now. We'll be back right after this short break. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers,

and other health and fitness experts. and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-P-P-Sent on the I-E-E-R-E-E-R-E-R-E-E-R-E-E-R-E-E-R-E. I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at It podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it.

including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 was big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack all day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack, so I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now, so... Thank you for finishing that sentence.

Yes, I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years. from black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark.

Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough because people scoreboard watch life becomes about wins and losses Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth or are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro.

Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Keer Gaines, is we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story.

This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Lens, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing.

Greg Alesspian, Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona.

Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So I want to tell you why the best time for you to start over is right now, as promised. If you are going to choose a moment to reinvent yourself and to leave environments, in places that don't serve you in your 20s, it would be right now. You will never be as young with as much future time in front of you as you have in this moment. You can spend hours, weeks, months ruminating on what could have happened. You can reflect and think if I'd just done this, if I've just done that, but these hypotheticals are not in the realm of your control. So, unfortunate as it is, I think it is a loss caused to.

reflect on the past with longing because it can't change anything but luckily you have been given the gift of a new beginning and your 20s are a great time to start over again and again and again because of just how flexible and adaptable we are and our lives are and our brains are it is such a unique time for reinvention although you know our brains continue to change and develop over our lifetime. Our 20s are actually the second most formative period for brain development in our life. And that works in your favor. It's easier for you to rewire certain pathways, to form new attachments, to learn new skills, to be resilient, because we are so adaptable and you can create a whole new neurological system based on this new life you're creating. I think we all know the saying you can't

teach an old dog new tricks. And in some ways that's true. the old you get, the harder it is to give yourself the gift of a fresh start. I also want to remind you, you are still incredibly young. Even if you are listening to this and you're not in your 20s, you're in your early 30s or your early 40s, my gosh, there are people in their 60s, 70s, 80s, who would look at your life and say, to have the time you have, if only I had changed at your age, if only I had let myself. I think I've said this quote before actually,

but it's one that really sticks with me. It's not necessarily a quote, but it's a video of Rees Witherspoon, you know, from Legally Blonde. And she is being interviewed by someone who was 29. And the girl tells her how old she is and she says, how do you go about getting into film when you're a bit older? And Reese asks her, how old are you? She goes, I'm 29.

She goes, oh my goodness. you're just a baby. If you could see yourself from my perspective, you are so young and you have so much time. And that gave me so much reassurance that really all these experienced wonderful people who a lot of us admire and respect would look at where we're at right now

and say, this is just the beginning. If I was going to start over, I'd be doing it right now. It's also worth noting that I definitely believe that life comes in cycles. So you just have to be prepared and open-minded. You may be starting over now and then you may be starting over again at 40, at 65. But at least you'll have some experience on how to navigate this transition and you have practice because change is really the only thing that is promised and if you hide away from it,

eventually it will grab you and it would be better to know how to handle that. So that is some of my more philosophical advice ramblings around why this isn't the disaster that maybe you think it is. although you're allowed to feel that way. If you're still in the morning grieving period for what once was, that's okay. But I want to teach you how you can try and reframe this chapter of your life, as hard and confusing as it may have been, and move forward. And I have some tips for you on that as well. Start small.

If you have experienced a setback or a failure and you're trying to rebuild, start small. Start small by talking to people in industries that you think you may enjoy. Start small by going on a really low-key date, by journaling what you could possibly, what kind of life you could possibly fall in love with. If you're trying to restart after a big friendship breakup or a loss, give yourself time to grieve and then slowly get back out there. Take baby steps so that every single step of the way you are being intentional. I think let's use the metaphor of starting with a blank canvas when you're painting, right? I don't know many of us who would rush to fill every single square inch of that canvas in minutes.

Because inherent in that is that we see an opportunity to create something big and vibrant, You know, we've been given this huge canvas, this huge place to put all our feelings. So we want to be intentional with what we're putting on there. And the same goes for rebuilding the area of your life where you may have felt like you had to start over. I would say focus on one area that you really want to find either stability, abundance, growth, whatever it is, and make a bit of a master plan. I have really fallen in love with the idea of a master plan recently. And basically it's like a map of the next. six months to a year that holds multiple desires or dreams or goals for you and it feels less specific

than a strict singular goal that you're working towards it lets you focus on how you want to make progress in everything in your life how you want to feel my master plan i really like to have you know how am i going to be feeling in two weeks in a month in three months in six months what do i have to change now to get me there. If it is that you want to feel more secure in your purpose and what you actually want to do in your life, maybe the first three months are going to be an explorative chapter for you where you're just trying out different hats, where you are networking, where you are investigating what could really light your fire. That is great. That is still part of the master plan that is still progress forward, I really want to wipe away, get rid of this

idea that when you start over, you have to know exactly what you need and what you want from the get-go. This is a time where you can really shake things up. You can change your priorities. You can reinvent yourself. So when you're putting together a master plan, maybe it's like a visual timeline of where you want to be in six months with pictures, with words, with different themes. Make sure that you leave some space also just to explore. Also embrace a growth versus fixed mindset in this moment. A growth mindset, this was first described by the psychologist Carol Dweck and it's this real belief that our abilities, our intelligence, our talent can be developed over time through effort, through learning, through perseverance.

And this perspective really fosters resilience and it makes you curious. It makes empty space promising rather than restrictive because you know that you can fill it with things that you love and that you are capable of creating the life that you want because you are in control. You have agency. In contrast, a fixed mindset really is this belief that the parts about you that you want change, they're unchangeable. You can't grow. You can't change. You're not capable. And that leads to a real fear of failure and avoidance of risk and a tendency to just give up and revert to what is comfortable

when we are faced with the unknown. Psychologically, a growth mindset is what we are after because it makes you better at responding to fear. It means that you're better at problem solving. it means that you are willing to learn. So when you are starting over in your 20s, what I want you to do and the kind of growth mindset that I want you to adopt is that you're going to view setbacks as opportunities for growth. You are going to approach new challenges with curiosity.

You're going to think, not what do I have to be fearful of here, but what can I learn even within the fear? And I want you to understand that this is a process and that you are actually writing a very interesting story. You are not writing a story just with a beginning, a middle, and an end. You are writing a story with a plot. And I think that that is a much better way to think about it

and a much better attitude to bring to things. Like, I'm not looking for the easiest route. I'm looking for the route with the most experience and abundance and fucking fun, you know, and just cool stories and cool things that I get to show and tell people about when I'm older. Another thing I would really say to do if you've just gone through a breakup, if you've just quit a job that was toxic, if you're moving somewhere new soon, do something that represents this new era physically, something that feels psychologically symbolic. So a new tattoo, a new haircut, a wardrobe purge, something or other that is going to make you feel like every single part of you is in this new version of you and is in this new beginning with you. that old version of you, we respect them, we love them, they've taught us so much, it's their time to rest.

Like, it's their time, it's time to say goodbye to them. This new chapter is coming with a fresh new look. It's coming with a new attitude and we're going to represent that physically. If comparison is also the thing that you are struggling with the most in this moment, and I totally understand that it would be, right? As I said, it's something that's built into our DNA as humans. I want you to make sure that any comparison statements you're making are not full sentences. So let me explain this a little bit further.

When we have a tendency to compare, we might look at someone's life and go, oh my gosh, she has everything. Her life is so perfect. I don't have that. But I want you to then take that sentence and expand it. I don't have that, but that doesn't mean I never will. her career looks so successful and one day mine will look like that as well. I am so jealous of her, whatever it is, her relationship because mine failed. But that doesn't mean that every future relationship of mine is going to fail.

Their success does not inherently mean my failure. Not everything has to be a competition. sometimes the lives of people that we admire most shows up through jealousy and instead of treating them as this person who we need to be threatened by we can be inspired by them and say huh like doesn't this just show me that this is capable that i could do this i'm sure they've experienced setbacks as well and yet here they are finally surround yourself or reflect on examples of people who have started over and been successful in their 20s. And let me say, there's not many of them

because most people actually end up starting over later in their 40s, in their 50s. Like your 20s is still your genesis. It's still your origin story. This is still the first timeline you were living. I love to give the example, actually, of my mom. My mom is one of those people who, I love hearing the story of how when she was in her 20s,

she was kicked out of her university faculty for such poor grades. She did absolutely terribly. And, you know, it looks like she wasn't going to get a degree. But she went and she did other things. She, quote, unquote, found herself and she came back when she was older and wiser. And she gave it another go. And a lot of people were like, why are you doing that?

You know, you already failed once. Why are you trying this economics thing, this psychology thing for a second time? She ended up being the, like, valedictorian ducks of her class at university. and she went on to get this incredible grad job. Now she is literally a CEO. And I love to look at that story and say, you know, she was an immigrant and she, I don't know, sorry, I'm getting so inspired by my mom's story. But I love to look at that story and go, wow, this is someone who I admire who has made

my life possible and she did not have the easiest ride of things. And there were so many times where I'm sure she was looking at other people thinking, I'm never going to be at their level, and yet she still found great success. Martha Stewart, oh my God, you have to watch the Martha Stewart documentary if you haven't, but she didn't write her first cookbook until she was 41. And that's what she's known for now. Steve Carell, we love Steve Carell, Michael in the office. You know, he didn't have his big break until he was in his 40s.

Same with Harrison Ford. Most people do not find their greatest successes until later in life. and they sure don't find themselves until later as well. So you have time. I promise you you have so much time. You are so young. And the power of your 20s is that all of the possibility lays ahead of you. There is so much room for reinvention and to be able to start over.

Also, there's less consequences. You know, you don't have kids yet. You may not have a mortgage. You don't have other huge things to take care of that become more pressing. The old you get. you have more time in front of you than you have behind you. So I really want you to remember that when you are stressed or anxious about feeling like you failed the first time or you didn't get it right.

Because that, again, is part of the interesting story you are writing. And I think that is much more important than being able to say, yeah, I got it all right and did everything perfectly the first time and I never made mistakes. Also means you never learned anything. So I hope this episode has provided you with some clarity. maybe just some peace, just a sense of like, okay, it's all going to be okay. That is really all I hope for with any of these podcast episodes is just that you can, you know, hear the words and the voice of someone else in their 20s and go, okay, it's not just me. Because it definitely isn't.

Make sure that if you enjoyed this episode, you share it with a friend. You share it on your Instagram story anywhere. And if you do actually tag me, I love seeing the different parts of the world where people. are listening. It's honestly one of my favorite parts of the day is being like, oh my gosh, someone in Kenya, someone in Brussels, someone in Bristol. So please feel free to share it over there. Make sure you are following along on Apple, Podcasts or Spotify and that you have left a five-star review if you enjoyed this episode. Also drop a comment below if you have further thoughts about reinvention and starting over in your 20s. I love to keep the conversation going there.

And I just love to hear from you guys. So until next time, stay safe. safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself, especially if you are in these circumstances. And we will talk very, very soon. Two percent. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthy, Your person. Listen to 2%.

That's TWO% on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands.

I vowed. I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girl friends. friends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

On The Look Back at It Podcasts. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s.

84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important. Year for Black people. Listen to look back at it on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing.

How many men carry a suit or armor? It signals to the world that you're not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen and learn the hard way on the IHard radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. This is an IHart podcast. Guaranteed human.