The Psychology of your 20s - 272. How I overcame my fear of flying

Episode Date: February 4, 2025

Today's episode is a rather personal, less psychological one. I want to talk about my fear of flying but also how I have managed to bring that fear back into my control and the huge list of tips I've put together along the way. In this episode we discuss: Where the fear of flying emerges from How a fear of the unknown or a lack of control contributes  The psychology of claustraphobia  How the pandemic made things worse for people  How I stopped avoiding flying + my biggest lessons My biggest tips for long haul flights If you struggle getting on planes and feel like it's holding you back from adventure or travel, this episode is for you!    PREORDER MY BOOK: https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/general-clean Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast For business: [e-mail]    The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing.

How many men carry a suit or armor? It signals to the world that you're not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice in someone, correct? I doctored the test ones.

It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian. Michael Mancini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police.

As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern. and worry. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier,

more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO percent on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed. I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends.

Trust me, babe. On the IHart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English.

Each episode, we pick you here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived. it with our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. It was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people.

Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode. as we of course break down and discuss the psychology of our 20s. Okay, so this is not our usual episode.

I think typically with the topics I choose to discuss, I want to make sure that most people can relate to them, right? I feel like there are some very universal experiences, not just of our 20s, but of being human, that I would say around like 80 to 90% of us can say, yeah, I totally get that. I've been there. I've experienced that I can see myself reflected in that topic. This one is for a unique subset of my listeners who can relate to a fear of flying. A fear of flying. That is what we

are going to talk about today. I have spoken about this on and off in certain episodes about how I was so terrified of flying that I didn't fly for like a very long time. And I would even do like, you know, 14, 15, 16 hour road trips in order to avoid a two-hour plane ride. But a listener actually DMed me the other day and she was asking me for this specific episode where I talked about it and I couldn't remember. So I thought, you know, I've spoken about it maybe for a couple of minutes here and there, but this deserves a full spot on the feed for people to come back to and to listen to if this is something that they fear and that they experience.

So, yes, we are going to talk about a fear of flying, how it manifests, what it looks like, and of course, how to overcome it. I remember when I was really struggling with this maybe two years ago was when I really started to be committed to overcoming this fear. I was going through and like searching for answers everywhere. And I remember looking it up on TikTok, like what are the best tips for a fear of flying? And there were some great tips, but a lot of what I received was like informative videos about like plane safety and like interviews with pilots. And I really needed something else.

And I think I also realized that it was kind of a turning point for me where I was having all these huge opportunities to be able to go overseas to go to the US, go to Europe, fly everywhere and, you know, go to these events and travel. And I wasn't going to get that opportunity again. And if I let myself be held back by my fear of flying, I would really, really regret it. Now, I also have to say, when you live in Australia, like, those big, long international flights are definitely something you really have to, you know, it just adds a little bit more intensity to the fear. Like if I want to overcome my fear of flying and therefore give myself the opportunity to go to Europe or to experience like a beautiful Italian summer or to go to the US for work, that's like a 24, 30 hour commitment. And it was one of those flights that really like push me to finally get over this fear and find

strategies that worked for me. Back in 23, I had this like really cool opportunity to fly in London to speak at like the podcast show and I was not going to give it up. So I want to talk about how I really got through it because now I'm not going to try and shoot my own horn here, but I'm a bit of an expert. Like I definitely still have my moments of fear and anxiety, but I really went about this in like a systematic way of like this is not going to control my life. And I will say I know it sounds like a very small privileged fear and in many ways it kind of is, but it can also hold you back from a lot of experiences that we want in our 20s, right? There is a lot of glamour and romanticism to solo traveling and to just traveling

in general and having backpacking experiences and summers abroad that if you really deeply fear flying, you can feel a lot of fomo around and feel like you are going to really miss out on, and therefore you're going to miss out on really getting everything that you can out of this decade. So hopefully by the end of this episode, you feel capable to have those experiences, even if getting on a plane and flying to whatever destination it is is part of it. Like, you feel capable of saying, yeah, I'm scared of this thing, but I'm going to do it anyway because this is what I want to do with my time and what I want to do in these younger years of my life. So yeah, we're going to talk about why we have a fear of flying, the different types of fears that

create the broader fear and also why avoidance and ignoring the problem is only going to make it worst and the baby steps and the mental steps and the psychological steps that you can take and you can perform to be okay with getting on those long flights or even just getting on an hour long flight I really do believe that this is a fear that is easier to overcome than you would think so without further ado let's get into it That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.

I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs?

Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam Jek. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we picket here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s.

To be clear, 84 was big to me, not just because of crime. crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you finishing that sentence. Yes.

I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Keer Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests.

I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth? Are you a good person because you're afraid?

Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, learn the hard way.

Open your free, our heart radio app, Search learn the hard way and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in someone, correct? I doctored the test once. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case.

I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Gregalespian and Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap.

Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until Justice. is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl.

You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield. And in this new season of the Girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck.

I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe.

On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you have a fear of flying, let me just tell you, you are not the only one, even if people don't really talk about it. There have been some recent estimates that about 40% of us have some fear of flying, and that has only increased since the pandemic. Obviously, because a lot of us weren't flying. A lot of us weren't having the exposure to an airplane or to air travel that would help beat a fear instead it was sustaining an anxiety through avoidance that you know bad things would happen when we get on a plane and we weren't having any of the experiences to prove that that would be the opposite

of the case like that wasn't going to happen i want to talk about where a fear of flying comes from um firstly by talking about my own experience so for me i felt like this just crept up on me when i was 18, 19, I solo traveled around Europe, like I made up with some friends, but my, to get to Europe from Australia, I did that all by myself. And I, you know, was not flying business class. I wasn't flying premium economy. I was flying like on China Airlines, China Southern Airlines, like not a great airline in like the back of economy. And I remember my flights being like $800 return and the food was awful. On one of my flights, like we didn't even have a TV screen and it was like 15 hours. Like the whole experience was like not a pleasant experience. And I was totally fine. Oh, and by the way,

like that ended up being like, I think a 30 hour flight because we had to do two flights with a huge layover. And I was completely alone that whole time. And like it wasn't the smoothest sailing. And I don't remember having any real fear. And the same on the way back as well. Like I actually I don't know if I've told this story before, but on my way back from Europe when I was 18, and like I did my first big solo trip, on my way back, I got stuck in Taiwan for the night, and I'd run out of money. Like, I didn't have any money on my travel account. I didn't have a SIM card for Taiwan.

Like, I was completely and utterly kind of stuck. I wasn't sure if I was going to make the flight, and the whole experience was actually really stressful. and I still got on the plane and didn't feel any fear. In fact, I felt quite peaceful. And so I can reflect on those experiences and be like, oh, there was a time when, like, I really wasn't scared by this. And then COVID happened. The pandemic happened.

I was meant to, I think, like a lot of us, I had these big travel plans because I was about to graduate university. Like, I had just graduated and I was like, great. 2020 is like my year for traveling and like I'm going to save up and I'm going to go to Russia like this was before the Ukraine-Russia war like look how much has changed like I was like I'm going to go to Russia and then I'm going to go to the US and maybe like a bit of Asia

and just have a great time and I had no fear around getting on flight like it was not in my mind and then I didn't fly for two years no one really flew in Australia like if you're from Australia you know the lockdowns were like very, very intense. And then I had the opportunity to fly home, to see my parents in Melbourne. And oh my goodness, I remember going to book that flat and being like, oh my God, suddenly all of these fears are coming up for me.

Like I suddenly am picturing myself walking onto that plane. And the only sensation I can feel is like a deep pit. rock heaviness in my stomach. And I didn't book the flight. I drove down. And then when I had, when the time came to go back up, I drove back up again. Like, and it was like a 12, 13 hour drive. Like, it was ridiculous. And it was totally inefficient, totally, like, unsustainable, totally expensive as well. And that was my first, like, real moment of like, oh, wow, this like fear has suddenly emerged for me and it kept coming up all these opportunities to go and see family finally being able to see family like I would not catch a flight and then the one time that I did that I really

had to I didn't get on it like I literally was about to board and I was like I'm going to fully freak out and I'm going to like I remember having this fear of like I am going to panic when I'm on this plane and I'm going to try and get out of the plane. I'm going to pull the emergency exits and I'm going to like fully freak out and I'm not going to be able to control myself. So I shouldn't get on this flight. Like I was just so terrified of having a reaction that I wasn't prepared for. And I was so terrified of my fear. So that is kind of where I was at when I realized I needed to change something.

So for me, I think it was that I hadn't, I think underlying this there had always been a more. general like claustrophobia and a more general fear of the unknown but because i had flown so much as a kid because my parents were always traveling for work because then i'd done you know long a long haul flight when i was kind of not even in my 20s yet like i had been exposed enough that the anxiety didn't have time to feed itself with fantasy um so that's really where mine came from i think for a lot of others it could be your fear of flying comes from a negative experience so you've just had one really terrible, awful flight that has completely shaped and dominated how you think about flying. I was talking to someone about this, one of my friends, she has a really, she's a terrible fear of

flying and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this story, but I'll keep it anonymous. She was flying back from the Philippines and they flew through like a thunderstorm, like a lightning storm. Like they flew through a storm and it was non-anticipated and it was terrifying and the plane was shaking and she thought she was going to die and it just sounded absolutely awful and it was like from then on now like the fear had emerged like that was a triggering event that was a catalyst for her fear another really big one is a lot of people experience or a lot of people report an uptick in their fear around flying after a crash so if you remember like mh 37 370 or a bunch of these other flights that have come down in recent memory that were everywhere

in the news everyone was talking about it it was a crazy tragedy that leaves an imprint because of something called the salience effect or a salience bias where really intense captivating highly emotional news stories or things going on feel like they're actually a lot more common just because they are dominating so much of the headlines and they're dominating so much of our thinking space like our brain is like, ah, because this is more apparent, it must be more common, even though it's only been one plane amongst hundreds and hundreds of thousands. This was a big thing that we saw following at 9-11. That was actually a real moment for people of, a real moment where a lot of people shifted from

being totally happy to get on a plane to a real avoidance within a lot of people. And some people still, I was reading an article like there's people who reported having no fear about flying until 9-11 and even, what are we now, like 24 years on, like they still won't get on a plane because of how our memories work and how our brain influences our decision-making and our behavior to protect us from what it fears and to help us survive when really, you know, something like a plane crash or something really terrible happening on a flight doesn't actually happen all that often. This kind of links to a broader, deeper idea of why do we fear flying?

You know, a lot of people will say, I fear crashing or I fear turbulence or I fear the confined space. So at its root, a lot of these come down to a deeper, more simplistically labeled fear. The big one being the fear of the unknown and the fear of being out of control. So obviously when you get on a plane, you're not in control anymore. If something bad was to happen, there is nothing that you can do really. I know that probably gave you a jolt of anxiety, but we're going to discuss how to overcome that. But really, that's what the fear is coming down to. If you are someone who is already scared of uncertainty, who is already scared of,

not being able to control their environment or is scared of the unknown, flying can be a real triggering event. This also really relates to a fear of crashing, right? Or a fear of turbulence or a fear of something bad happening on the flight. You kind of realize that in that situation and in that moment, you might be quite powerless. And that powerlessness, like that feeling is one that you are not comfortable with potentially being exposed to. There's also the deeper fear or a deeper kind of phobia, claustrophobia.

This was also one that was big for me. My big thing was I don't like being in enclosed spaces. I don't like getting in elevators. I don't like, at the time when my fear of flying was really happening, I didn't like even catching the train like into work in Sydney. I didn't even like going in tunnels. So it was all coming down to this claustrophobia. I remember specifically, like, I would avoid driving in any tunnels around this time.

And when I would go into a tunnel, I would really feel like the panic rising. And I was particularly scared of there being traffic in a tunnel because I was like, oh my God, I don't want to get stuck underground in this enclosed space. Like that just sounds like my worst nightmare. Like everything is closing in on me. And so I remember talking to my friend and being like, who travels so much for work and being like, how can you cope with being locked in this metal tube for hours? Like you get in, they closed the door, you're not coming out.

Nothing you can do can allow you to exit. And he actually said something really beautiful to me. He was like, yeah, but isn't that really nice? because while you're suspended up in up in the air, like, you get this beautiful break from reality. Like, it's actually quite special. You get to completely disconnect. You get to just, like, float in this, like, space and time that is just, like, all for you. And I was like, hmm, yes.

Like, I'm slightly convinced by that. I'm not fully on board. But I do really see, like, where he was coming from. And he also said to me, he was, like, there are so many situations like that. you're going to be exposed to in life where you just have to be a bit stoic about it. Like think about so many other things in your life where you are in a space or an event or a situation or a context that you can't change and you just have to find a way to accept it. And so learning how to overcome a fear of flying, actually what it really does is teach you

a lot of lessons about dealing with discomfort and anxiety and your inability to control a situation in general. It helps teach you how to do that in so many other broader areas of your life. But again, just to summarize, those are the real big reasons that we fear flying. We fear a terrible event occurring. Maybe we fear death, we fear injury, we fear the plane crashing, and therefore we become quite worried about turbulence, we become quite worried about small little things. And then we also have a deeper fear of the unknown, a fear of being out of control, and also claustrophobia, a fear of enclosed tight spaces. When you have a fear of flying, if you're not someone who's familiar with this,

what this can feel like is a lot of anticipatory anxiety. So I remember last year I caught a flight from Bali to New York, and the whole two to three days before that happened, it was all I could think about. I was obsessed. I was obsessed. I was Googling what, kind of model the plane was going to be, I had to know exactly where my state was going to be, had to know exactly what food was going to be served on board, what time we were departing,

what time we were landing, all the possibilities of things that could go wrong and yada, yada, yada, like, it was all, this, like, information seeking was all coming back to anticipatory anxiety. Like, I wasn't actually in any danger at that point. I wasn't being triggered. I wasn't in the situation that I feared, but my brain was almost like, well, let's prepare you by almost copying the anxiety that you will eventually feel right now so you can get used to it. Of course, that didn't work. Like, it doesn't work. Your brain tries to come up with all these different ways to manage something that it sees

is difficult, but really, the biggest thing you can do for yourself is expose yourself to the fear and see that you are still capable, which we're going to get to eventually. The other big thing with the fear of flying that you're likely to feel is, like, when you get on the plane. I would sweat. I would shake. I would like like just literally my whole body would shake and I would be like pushing my foot up and down like bouncing my foot up and down. Everything felt very, very hot. I felt like I needed to run. I literally felt like a scared rabbit. And I found that actually that was the worst before takeoff. But once we were like 10, 20 minutes into the air, I felt quite, quite calm because I was like, okay, I'm in it now, I'm in it. Like the sense of like, yeah,

there's really nothing I can do took over. And I was like, well, I may as well just enjoy this experience. So that's really what it feels like. It feels like a panic attack. It feels like a lot of anxious worry. It feels like you are stuck. You are trying to fight or flight, obviously, trying to run away or fight back against this thing that feels like it's threatening you, i.e. being on an airplane, but it all comes back to like a real, like your, the fear center of your brain and your like nervous system is not properly responding to your circumstances. So it's seeing danger where danger is not. Yes, danger could eventually appear, but you're not actually in any danger in that moment. Your brain is reading the environment and reading the context wrong. And when I

began to realize that, that my anxious thoughts about something didn't make anything more or less likely to happen, that also was a great relief to me. So we're going to take a quick break here. And when I return, I want to really get into the tips that I have for overcoming my fear of flying. Stay with us. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the

wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO%. On the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out.

on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill

waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so you know. I mean, at this point, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack.

So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history.

Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Trip Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase

that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough. Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross. Because you find it important to be a good person

while you hear on earth? Are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way.

Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistency. in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so-ins, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected.

They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Alesspian, Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Maricopa County

as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man.

A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves.

Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The biggest thing I can say to you if you have a fear of flying is that you need to find any possible way to stop avoiding the situation. to stop avoiding flying flights airports whatever it is and what you want to do is really approach that in slow manageable steps so i knew that when i was really getting ready to like beat this fear or at least

find a way to handle it that i had this big thing coming up this big flight that i really wanted to do so i wanted to fly to london i wanted to make it there and i wanted to be able to get on that plane and you know, maybe not feel okay, but still be able to go through with it. So in the lead-up, like the six-month lead-up to this flight, I started doing small things to help myself. So I went to a flight simulator. I would watch videos on YouTube of people entering planes, like getting onto a plane, sitting down, showing their surroundings. Like, a lot of them were like reviews of certain seats on like different airlines like I'd watch like oh the emirates a380 like flight from doha to wherever like like what the seats would look like and what the meals were like to just really see then I also

started saying yes to opportunities that would require me to do very short flights so one hour two hour flights around Australia and for the first couple of flights I took someone with me so I would literally be like okay does any of my friends need to fly to Melbourne this weekend. Let's see if we can get on the same plane. I paid for my dad to like fly on one of my flights with me to just help expose me to this fearful state. So the first flight I did was an hour. I think it was even less and I did it with my dad and it was hard. It was hard. But actually I realized by the end how proud I was, how much relief I felt getting off the plane and how I was like, wow, that was not as hard as I thought it was. And that's what the avoidance makes you.

believe. It keeps you in this state where the biggest source of truth is your fear about a situation and your thoughts about a situation, often which are false. So the only truth you have to rely on is what your brain is coming up with. But when you actually expose yourself to the situation, a much different reality becomes apparent. I then did a two-hour flight with a friend, just me and her, and then a one-hour flight by myself. And that was really hard because we got stuck on the tarmac and that was something that I hadn't anticipated and it kind of threw me for a loop but what I did was I was just reminded myself of how it felt to have someone else there with me, how really like I was still able to do it by myself and I had a list of things that I knew would help

me out. So I still have this list in my phone and it's a number of strategies that I knew would calm my anxiety and break me out of a panic attack. So one of the them was to just do some guided meditation to do a breathwork exercise. I actually downloaded this app called the dare app, which I've spoken about before. And they do guided meditations for a fear of flying and guided meditations for panic attacks. And I would just sit and I would listen to that meditation and still I felt better. I also would just do jumping jacks at the back of the plane like in the little flight attendant area just until I felt better or squats, something that like make me feel like I was escaping or doing something about the anxiety within me.

I put cold water on my wrists. I had something sour to buy into. I also would bring coloring in books. I just had a lot of, it almost felt like I was building a military, right? Like I was building my line of defenses against this anxiety. And I said, I'm only allowed to panic if I get through all these things and I don't feel better. Obviously, you know, maybe my anxiety would be able to do.

jump a couple of hurdles but I had a whole list of things that I could do so there was no way that it could get through all of them something was bound to work something was bound to make me feel better and I also just allowed myself to be okay with being scared I was like okay I'm just going to accept this feeling like I feel anxious but I'm going to look around at my environment is there anything to feel anxious about is there anything to feel scared about And what I would do is I would look to other people and I would mirror their response. So I'd look at the people in front of me. I'd look at all the heads of the people on the plane and I'd be like, okay, well, these people seem fine.

These people aren't panicking. So obviously, like, if I can't trust myself and my own evaluation of this situation, I can trust theirs and they seem okay. I also reminded myself something that I knew very much to be true. It's the biology of us as humans, our psychology is that we cannot panic forever. So even if I was on the verge of a panic attack, I knew that eventually it would subside. So it was okay if I felt myself falling into the state. It wasn't going to last forever. It was eventually going to go away.

I know that my body could only sustain panic and that level of alertness and stress for so long. So I remind myself, it's just sensations. You know, it's just my body trying to. protect me, it doesn't change what is actually happening. I also want to say flight attendants, they know how to handle this. They see this all the time. And I've actually seen a flight attendant help someone who was panicking on a flight. I've seen random strangers help someone who was panicking on a flight. You've got to remember, most people are very, very kind and very, very good. if you were sitting next to someone on a plane who turned to you, turn to you and said,

I'm really, really scared. Would you dismiss them? No, you'd be like, I totally understand. Let me help you. So you've got to understand that most other strangers will also do that for you as well. Most people are genuinely very nice. And even if they aren't, the flight attendants have to be. Like, they're getting paid to be there. They aren't just decorative. Like, they have done a lot of training. And their training also involves how to hand. really heightened emotional states for people for whom this is a big fear. My other biggest, biggest tip, the thing that I still swear by to this day, and this is particularly the case with long haul flights, is to don't, like just don't let yourself be bored,

create itineraries for each flight. The same way that you might wake up and you might create a timed to-do list about your day, or like you would create an itinerary for like a holiday of like in the morning we do this in the afternoon we do this in the evening we do this like these are our activities for the day i would do the same for each of my flight and the day before i would make one of these itineraries so let me see if i can pull one up from my flight to london that i was talking about okay here it is i've managed to find it so we had two flights this was flight one i will also say that for my flight to london at the last minute I did ask my dad to come with me and I paid for his flight which is something I felt

very lucky to be able to do I had all these points that I had been like saving up for literally like because I wasn't flying anywhere but before COVID I flew a lot and I'd like saved up all of these points for that trip to Europe I was meant to be doing never use them so I use those to get my dad a flight so that he could come with me because I was really really scared but this is what my itinerary looked like so hour one talked to my dad and get settled our two I had my routine, like my nighttime routine. So I got a face mask. I brushed my teeth.

I put on my noise canceling headphones. Hour two again, put on a movie. Hour three. Finish movie and do some knitting. Hour four. Have my first round of snacks. Eat meal. So like I was scheduling things to look forward to for each hour.

Hour five, start second movie. Get ready for sleep. Take a melatonin. Then it was like hour six, hour seven, hour eight. Sleep. but if not I had alternatives, which was to edit some of my podcast episodes or to do some coloring in. I even had other things to do as well. Like I had a little Lego set. So I had activities. Like I was prepared. Then our like 10, 11, 12. I had like instructions to make Instagram posts.

Like I had everything set up so that I had more things to do. Movie three. And then hour like 14 prepared to land. And then my second flight, this is what I said. I said, it was an eight hour flight. I said, this is just like a nine to five workday. Like, that is what this is. If I would easily sit in an office for eight hours in the same space that I would sit in a chair on a plane, like this is the same amount of time. So I had my hour one get settled, have some snacks, listen to a podcast, hour two, do another face mask. Hour three, I could either write some episodes or write my books. I was writing my book at the time. Or I could watch a movie. I was movie, movie, right, right.

Hour seven, listen to a podcast, read hour eight, talk to dad, prepare to land. So like I had this itinerary for myself that would help me feel like my time was full. The day before my flight as well, the morning before I would go and get everything that I needed to buy slash needed to bring with me slash wanted to have. So this is what I had for like the list. I needed to buy sour candy, compression socks, a puzzle book. I also brought magazines and eye mask, toothbrush and toothpaste, portable charger, water bottle. I also bought my prescription, sour candy. I also had instructions for myself to download five movies.

That seems a little bit excessive. Make sure that everything was charged, wear comfortable, but fashion will close, which will come into the next tip that I have. And then the morning of my flight, I went for a really big swim and a really big run. so that I was exhausted. Then I had an everything shower and had a really healthy breakfast. All of these things like putting myself in the best possible place to be prepared for this flight. And I had a daily reminder at the top of this list. So this is my list that I have on my phone called flight prep. I haven't updated it since the 3rd of December. But the reminder on the top of my phone said,

you need to do hard things to grow, acknowledge the fear and run towards it anyway. And so I had this huge comprehensive list to come back to. And can I tell you something? Those itineraries, that whole plan, I didn't once have to use it. Not once. It was so important that it was there. But once I got onto the plane and I settled in and I maybe did the first hour or two of my routine, I realized that all of this preparation, really what it was doing was just making me feel more at ease with the possibility of discomfort.

But after the first hour, I wasn't uncomfortable. I wasn't scared. I wasn't anxious. I was okay. So I was really able to relax into the situation. That is really what this preparation taught me is that you can do all that you want to do. But when you are in the situation, the chances are it's not going to be as bad or as hard as you've been. previously thought it was. Now, I want to bring us all back to that thing I said before that

may have sounded strange. We're comfortable but fashionable clothes. This links to something that I still do to this day, which is that I romanticize the privilege and the act of flying by, and this is going to sound really silly, imagining that I'm someone really famous or really important. And the person that I tend to imagine is that I am Taylor Swift and that I am. Taylor Swift and that I am. getting on my flight and that this is just part of business and I romanticize this whole process of like having the opportunity to be a jet setter what that means like what that feels like and like would that person feel anxious would like Taylor Swift feel anxious about flying probably not like would Beyonce feel anxious about flying probably not like this is this is like what they do like

this is what it means to be someone who is successful and I kind of like to pretend that I'm someone else in that moment. I am someone more capable. I am someone for whom this is really, really normal and it really, really works. Visualizing and romanticizing the process, visualizing getting off the plane as well, visualizing what it's going to feel like to literally put your feet on the tarmac or on like the, whatever it is, like the walkway, like visualizing that sensation, visualizing your first breath of fresh air when you get off the plane, also really, really profound. Like your mind has, like, has so many superpowers and hidden talents and hidden capabilities built into it to get you through hard situations. And its ability to reflect and remember and visualize and imagine future situations or past peaceful situations is something that you can use to really pull yourself into a calm.

space when you are maybe panicking or you are maybe spiraling. I also mentioned having a go-to meditation that you know and you have proven to yourself can bring you out of a stressed state. Mine was the dare meditation. That's really useful. And finally, have a backup calming option. Now, I'm not going to tell you to go out and get a Valium prescription or to rely on prescription drugs or whatever it is or melatonin or something herbal or even like a glass of wine

but just knowing that you have it there without having to use it is incredibly helpful so i did have a valium prescription but let me just tell you i didn't touch it like i for a lot of my long haul flights now slash ever like i think i've only taken it once and it was because i was really like I was feeling quite ill and I was also really like not feeling well mentally. I was like hadn't slept for like a couple of days just because I'd been so run off my feet and jet lagged. That was the only time I used it. But I have taken so many international long haul flights where I have not needed it. But just the fact that I have it in my toiletries bag or that I know I can have a glass of red wine and feel better even if even though I don't drink on flights.

That has been so powerful. Again, it's just giving your. brain and giving yourself all of these hurdles that it has to jump over before you are going to let yourself panic. So having all of these different things that you can focus on, that you can zoom in on, that you can feel comforted by before you feel like you have to let your sensations take over. I want to also remind you of that reminder I had at the top of that list. In order to grow, you have to do hard things. So if you are someone who has avoided flying, who is scared of it, it feels really uncomfortable, it does get easier and you do see more of the

rewards of putting yourself in a hard situation, an uncomfortable situation, something that you don't actually want to do, but which you are able to come out of and realize that you are so grateful to yourself for doing it. And it's actually not very common, I think, in our day and age that we do things that are very difficult and that we push ourselves really hard into a place of discomfort and even fear and are still able to come out the other side and see the rewards. Flying when you have a fear of flying is such a great opportunity to feel what it really means to, you know, feel deeply proud of yourself and deeply accomplished for doing the hard thing over the easy thing. So I'm wishing you so much luck. I know this is really, really hard, but I

also want you to know that as someone who used to be so afraid that she would get off flights, that she would drive freaking 13 hours to get places who, you know, avoided so many opportunities because of her fear. I have been able to get over it. Yes, like it's not completely gone, but in like two weeks I'm flying solo to the US for work and then flying back. And that's like a 15 hour flight and the level of anxiety I feel about it is nowhere near what I would have experienced two or three years ago and I feel completely fully capable of doing it and I believe that you can feel that way as well. So I'm sending you lots of love, peace, strength, calm and the opportunity to really push yourself and to learn and to see what you are capable of. Thank you so much for

listening to this episode. If you are someone who also has a fear of flying and you have a tip or a suggestion or a piece of advice that you personally have used that I didn't mention, please drop it in the comments below. I would love to have the comment section on Spotify just be a huge page and peace and community notice board of advice and feedback and tips and tricks for all of us to learn from each other. I think that would be really, really useful. And again, send this to someone who you think might need.

to hear it. If you have a friend who you know also experiences this, who was one of the 40% or a parent or a family member who has been avoiding or putting off flying for some of the very reasons we talked about, maybe this could help them. So feel free to share it. And if you haven't already, make sure that you are following along the psychology of your 20s. Leave us a five-star review and follow us on Instagram at That Psychology Podcast. If you have further thoughts, questions, queries about this episode, or you want to suggest another episode. I love hearing from you all over there. And until next time, stay safe. Be kind, be gentle to yourself. Happy flying, safe travels. And we will talk very, very soon. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the

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