The Psychology of your 20s - 274. The psychology of the youngest child

Episode Date: February 11, 2025

Youngest children have a reputation for being rebellious, rule breakers, sociable, charming, a bit spoiled and maybe even attention seekers. Is all of that true? And why is that the case? In today's episode, let's tackle the last sibling in our birth order series by deep diving in the psychology of birth order theory, alongside:  The biggest stereotypes about youngest children Why youngest children are treated and raised differently  What makes youngest children so successful in business?  Can we predict who youngest children will marry?  What struggles youngest children encounter in their families + much more!  Listen now, youngest and all other siblings alike to learn more.    PREORDER MY BOOK: https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/general-clean Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast For business: [e-mail]    The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our 20s today. We are tackling the lucky last in our birth order series. You heard that right after all of the waiting and the many, many requests,

we are finally discussing the psychology of the youngest child. And what their position in the family means for everything from their personality to their relationship, and professional choices to their relationships with their middle and eldest siblings, not just in childhood, but in adulthood as well. The youngest child is quite obviously the baby of the family, and that position shapes their experiences a lot. And I'm so interested in the research around this, from birth order theory to some other theories,

as well of some of the stories that you all have shared with me. And, you know, we just have a really comprehensive, fascinating, packed personality episode for today. I don't do this very often, but I think I'm just going to skip the rest of this intro and let the episode speak for itself. You know, let's keep it short and sweet. There is so much to cover. Without further ado, let's discuss the psychology of the youngest child.

So let's do a quick recap of what we know about birth order theory. So the arguments for it and the arguments against it. as well. We know that as humans, we are a product of many, many things, some tangible, some intangible, everything from genetics to country of birth to parenting style, food. All of these things, though, kind of fall into two categories, nature and nurture, what we are born with, what we are raised in. Now, the position we are born into a family is part of our environment. And therefore, it kind of falls into the nurture category. It influences our personality because of how it impacts how we were raised and therefore how we end up experiencing the world into adulthood. So the saying really goes and I always use

the saying to describe birth order theory. Just because you are raised in the same house doesn't mean that you had the same childhood as your siblings. And your position in the family contributes to this difference in childhoods. Because, you know, for all intents and purposes, two people who go through the same upbringing and are raised in the same house by the same parents, they should turn out pretty similar. And yes, we have to account for nature and our personality and how we're just born and who we are when we kind of come out of the womb. But there is a significant difference in how our parents treat us. So the man who developed birth order theory, he was kind of the first one to say to notice this. His name was Alfred Adler. You may also know him from the creation of the

inferiority complex. Also, he was like a founding father of individual psychology, which if you study psychology, you've probably done like, I don't know, a unit in this. Basically, he says that in individual psychology, what we're really looking for is a sense of mastery and a sense of completeness. That doesn't really matter. It's not what we're talking about today. But he was really working hard during, you know, the early and mid-1900s. But birth order theory, as it stands today, is probably what he is most well known for. And it basically says that being the oldest, youngest, middle, or only child will affect what characteristics and traits you develop. Now, let's be really, really clear because I see a lot of like birth order theory TikToks going around and Instagram videos.

it is not a medical prescription. Like I cannot diagnose you as an eldest daughter. I cannot diagnose you as a youngest son. Like that's a descriptor. It doesn't, you know, if you go to a psychologist, they're not going to like include that on your chart notes as like something that needs an intervention. Because it's just kind of who you are.

It's definitely like a theory. It's a theory and a theory like any theory like has gaps. It has exceptions. It has flaws. what I kind of see birth order theory is doing is filling the same role as personality tests. Like they provide, like there is research behind them and they provide a structural guide for better understanding of where we sit in relation to others, but they are not a full answer to the questions we have about ourselves. Like they're really interesting to explore and they're really interesting for reflection.

But of course, anything like that that says you are only the way you are because of this. one thing and this one test or this one theory can tell you like it's not accurate we exist in a much larger ecosystem of factors and contexts and situations with that being said let's say what this theory has to say about the unique traits and character of the youngest child according to this theory the eldest child is often very responsible very type a they kind of take care of everyone else especially if you're an eldest daughter you know that kind of makes sense they matured are the fastest, they're the eldest. They take care of a lot of the younger children. They're set up as a role model. Then we have the middle child. The middle child is seen as the mediator or the

peacemaker. They're actually sometimes referred to as the easy or invisible child because of how they are sandwiched between the eldest and the youngest. Also, middle children, like sometimes they don't even get to be the only middle child. Like they have to share that position with someone else. And then we have the youngest child, the little baby of the family. By the time your parents have gotten to their final child, especially if you're in a big family of three plus kids, like let's be so real. They are tired.

They are tired. All of the discipline that they had for their eldest or older children, all the rules that they promised to implement, all their energy has kind of dissipated because parenting is really, really hard. It reminds me of this interview I saw the other day with Billy Eilish's mom, really random. And she talked about how being a parent, especially being a mother, requires you to use every single creative skill, every single life skill you have ever developed. Like anything you would put on a resume and more goes into being a parent. And it's right.

Like she's totally right. It's a full time, full soul, full body effort. And imagine giving 100% to your. job for 18 years straight, like by the time you get to that final kid, those final years, like you are cutting a few corners, especially when they're teenagers as well. So there's a 2008 study that looked into this conducted by researches at Duke University. And if you want to check out this research paper, it's titled The Games, Parents and Adolescents Play. And what they found was that eldest and older siblings are actually raised in a more strict environment.

like they're penalized more. Sometimes they're used as an example, but it also does seem that our parents get softer with age. As a result, youngest children, they kind of sense they know that they can get away with much more than their eldest or older brothers, siblings, sisters. So they're on average more likely to engage in risky behaviours. Research from the University of Birmingham and the University of Reading.

I don't know if it's Reading or reading. I'm going to say Reading. They also found that youngest children, in the families. They are also more likely to be self-employed. They are nearly 50% more likely to take the risk of going into business for themselves. So they're risk-takers, they're entrepreneurial. And these findings were like, this was a large study.

It had almost 17,000 children who they surveyed them first in 1970. And then again, at 38 years old. And some of them are younger, some of them are middle, some of them were only children. and the youngest child, they were the ones who are most likely to take risks. I think that's a really cool trait about younger siblings. And I will say the people who I know in my life who have taken the leap of faith to start their own business to take the road less traveled, like the majority of them are younger siblings.

And I think about like my office space. So I work in an office space that I kind of rent out with a couple of friends in Sydney. and most of them like are running their own businesses, they're running their own side hustles and like they're doing that full time or they're self like they're self contracted like they do contract jobs and every single one of them that's in that office is a youngest child. So speaking of entrepreneurial spirit like that's the evidence I kind of see in my own life which is obviously speculation but I think it's interesting. I will say please by no means take any of these.

observations as rules. Like, if you are a youngest child and you're not entrepreneurial, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. Or if you're listening to this and you're not a youngest child, like, and you want to start a business, like, by no means does this mean that you can't? Like, it's, it's, I think, ridiculous to look at these rules and think that they will apply to everyone. But I think it's just an interesting pattern to recognize in society amongst people who are

just making organic choices. This really links to the first big stereotype about youngest children, though, that they're rebellious, that they're more carefree. You know, the youngest child is sometimes seen as the problem child. Like, they're the ones who need to, like, get bailed out of jail or whatever, because they seem to have had a more relaxed childhood environment. And what also comes with this relaxed environment is being spoiled. So the second big stereotype for today is that youngest children are spoiled. they get more gifts, they get more financial support, they get more praise. There is much less research on this compared to the previous stereotype, mainly because it's

slightly hard to measure because of what we call the social desirability bias in psychological research. So if we ask parents, okay, which one of your kids gets more gifts? Which kid do you spend more money on, etc? they obviously don't want to sound like they're playing favourites so they're not going to be entirely honest and if you ask the youngest child they're probably not going to have noticed right there may be a situation where when you're asking them like they're probably over the age of 18 in order to participate in this research like they're probably the only child left at home if that's the case so they don't have the comparison that the eldest and middle children would have and that's the final person we might ask

eldest and middle children. They probably are also going to be biased. You know how like competitive siblings can get. You know, they might be looking at the youngest child, the youngest baby of the family and going like, hey, I never got that. Like I never got to buy new shoes whenever I wanted. Like I never got to just get away with things like that. So it's a kind of a tricky one to think about. Like if you find a way to measure this, please let me know. I think it would be a very interesting study. But basically what we can really rely on is kind of speculation and it's speculation that I want you to, I want you to do for yourself. So I'm going to give you a hypothetical and you just tell me if this applies to you. So thinking about your family, Christmases, holidays, celebrations, which child got more presents,

got more attention, got more time, maybe got more financial help, whatever it is, like money. It is usually the youngest. And you know what? Quite. frankly, I understand. Like, they're the cutest. Everyone likes the little one. Everyone feels more protective of the youngest because they are by their age, less capable, less mature. So, naturally, it might seem that they're being spoiled in comparison to older siblings at the time. But when the eldest child was also at the younger stage, like at some point the eldest child is going to be an only child, they were probably also spoiled to the same degree. In fact, I think it's actually the middle child who tends to miss out the most. Also, like it's not all sunshine and

rainbows for the youngest. Like this pattern of behavior of being spoiled of maybe being, people being less strict with them can also lead to a phenomenon known as infantilization. This is something that youngest children, you know, report that they experience. Even when they leave their childhood and their teenage years, even when they become adults, they are still treated like an infant. They are still treated as less capable by their families because even when they're 20, 25, 30, 50, their age may change, but the position in the family as the youngest doesn't change. And this can be a big source of tension for some people as they get older and they try and advocate for themselves. They try and be independent. They try and, you know, take charge in

the family. Sometimes they are met with resistance. So there was a large, scale internet study published in 2022 that looked at over 32,000 individuals and it found that this treatment, this infantilization actually was really, really harmful and led to a lot of resentment, but also led to a lack of confidence sometimes, specifically amongst people who were youngest children or who had reported experiencing it, not just in childhood, but now as adults. Okay, so let's talk about one more aspect or a stereotype of the youngest child personality that you may have already heard of. So we talked about how they are risk takers, a bit rebellious, how they may be spoiled.

You've probably also heard that they're, you know, their attention seekers. They like to make waves. They like to stir the pot. They like to put on the dance shows to be a bit ridiculous. I personally think this is also what makes them so social and really charming. You know, the reason why this may be the case is because the youngest child has had to battle to be noticed. You know, yes, they may be spoiled, but they are also sometimes the second, third, fourth, maybe even fifth child. Everyone else has kind of already found their role.

You know, the family may be at max capacity. So the youngest wants to find their space. They want to find their part. And that can lead to what we would call attention, behavior. But I think it's, you know, deeper than that. I think it's actually identity formation when you have someone who has already set the bar, when you have the eldest children. Also, just to throw this stereotype even further out the window, some research actually suggests that it's actually eldest or only children who typically want or demand more attention because they, you know,

they remember a time when they got it all. So I don't think that this like, stereotype is entirely true. There you go. We debunked some of the common misconceptions about youngest children, but also kind of hopefully confirmed some of their wonderful traits, which is that they're fun, they're outgoing, they're entrepreneurial, their risk takers. We are going to take a short break, but when we return, we are going to talk about whether being a youngest child has, you know, any impact on dating choices, career choices. and how to deal with some of the downsides of being the last born. So stay with us.

2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory.

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I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack, so I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now, so... Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes, I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah.

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There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never. mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends... Oh my God, this is the same man.

A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care, so they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed. I will be his last target.

He's going to get what he did. serves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. A big element of birth order theory that I think fascinates people to no end is how it can potentially influence some rather big choices and aspects of our life, from who we choose to date, who we choose to marry, who we choose to be friends with, to profession even and so much

more. So does being the youngest child predict much when it comes to these large choices? Let's start by talking about relationships. The biggest thing you will hear when it comes to dating choices for youngest children is that they will only choose an older sibling, like a firstborn or an older middle child because they tend to appreciate the stability. They want that rock. They want someone to calm their wildness maybe. And for their partner, who is an eldest child or an older child, they are very responsible so they appreciate the spontaneity. They like to be with someone who can help them see things differently and kind of let loose. That's particularly the case, you know, some people would suggest for younger sons who are heterosexual, they may be more inclined

to date eldest daughters. Now, let me say this. This has, absolutely been the case of my own life. Like my boyfriend of almost two years, he is a younger son. All of my best friends who are eldest daughters are dating younger sons. And this is why I find it so rewarding. My boyfriend is just so chill. Like he is so chill. No drama. All fun, all outgoing, clear-headed. And for someone who is quite anxious, who really overthinks everything, who is perfectionist and I feel like I need to be in control. He really levels me out in like the perfect complimentary way. It's like, you know, how they say opposites attract. Like we fill the parts of the other person's personality that they can't feel themselves. And I really feel like that has been

the case. And obviously it's not just birth order theory. It's a lot of other factors that have contributed to us being together. But, you know, like he has older sisters. So that probably also helped. But, you know, when I hear this idea of like eldest daughters, younger sons, I'm always like, oh, I hate to say it, but it applies. Only children and lastborns. So only children and youngest children also balance each other out really, really well for some reason. So I heard this really fascinating interview with this psychologist,

and she was talking about why this is the case. And she said, it really has to do with the fact that, firstborns and only children are kind of cut from the same cloth. So if you're a youngest child and you like eldest children, like that's who you kind of end up dating a lot of, only children are very, very similar. They're very self-reliant. They're expected to succeed.

And then you have the younger child who brings like the liveliness and the creativity to the relationship. So again, it helps, they counteracts in a really specific way. So I think whilst, you know, younger siblings are very much risk takers. They're entrepreneurial. Sometimes they also kind of fly by the seat of their pants. That kind of makes it chaotic if two youngest siblings are dating because someone needs to be, have that kind of organizational part of their brain at the forefront.

Like someone needs to be somewhat forward thinking, somewhat responsible. And if you have like two youngest siblings together, yeah, it can be exploits. like you're both risk takers, you're both outgoing, but sometimes you need like that anchor. So that is what birth order theory and position might mean for dating. Again, this is no, like this is not a restrictive rule. If you can find someone that you love and you care about, like doesn't matter, doesn't matter where they were born, who they were, like, what position in the family. Like, that kind of love is rare enough.

So don't listen to this and look at your own life and say, oh my God, I'm dating. a youngest child. And I am a youngest child. Like, we should break up. No, please don't do that. Please don't do that because of me because it's like, it's one of many, many things. So we've already spoken about how youngest children take more risks. So that makes them, you know, business leaders, startup founders, quite entrepreneurial. But really, there haven't been any long-term studies on birth order and career prospects, which, I don't know, I think that that would be. I would be really phenomenal for all like the somewhat controversy around birth order theory. I feel like a study like that could really maybe silence or prove some of the doubts and it

would be so fascinating to do like a longitudinal research study where you interview like people at 12 at 19 and then at 30 or some point in time and see what careers they ended up choosing. But looking at our profile again of youngest children, they're outgoing social, rule changes charming maybe a little bit attention seeking even those negative qualities are assets the assets when it comes to your career someone with these traits is more likely to thrive in a profession that involves performance leadership persuasion risk taking so things like entertainment sales being a startup founder investment banking an investigative journalist a lobbyist like someone who really pushes bounds, someone who isn't afraid to be, you know, perhaps a little bit more out there

than your average Joe. I think about my youngest sister as an example of this all the time. Like, she is so creative, but she also thinks and dreams so much bigger than me. You know, I am very overly cautious. My middle sister is just like the chillest person ever. Like she's an athlete, so she's very focused. But she's also just like, yeah, whatever, I'm going to go with the flow, whatever happens will happen. My little sister, though, is like, I am going to conquer the world. And I'm always the one who's like, oh my God, but have you considered this? Like, this could go wrong. Like, have you considered this?

Like, this could be a problem. Like, what are you going to do about that? And she's kind of like, okay, I'll deal with it. Like, she really has that vibe of like, it's going to work out for me. And it's something I really, really love about her. The youngest child definitely has their, you know, with all their strengths, there's also things they struggle. with in relation to like the family dynamic and we've talked about them a little bit already but one we haven't spoken about is like a sense of competition and feeling left out by their other siblings so especially when you're a child like you forever want to be part of the big kids games and the big kids activities but you know you're just the little you're the little annoying one you're the one that's

like going to ruin it. You're like not quite at the level that your oldest siblings want you to be at. And it can mean that you feel, you know, quite excluded and quite like almost in competition with yourself to get an invite to this like exclusive childhood party. I think they sometimes feel looked down upon. You can feel really compared to your older sibling or overshadowed. not because you're less capable, just because you've simply had less time. Like, having older siblings is like having a moving marker ahead of you that is impossible to reach. Like, even if you do somehow reach it, like, there's always going to be, you know,

you're always going to be looking back and seeing what the elder sibling is doing. And there is a sense of competition. Like, they were the first one to graduate high school. They may have been the first one to go to university, the first one to do. all of these things that you can only just do after them. And if you are perhaps not as intelligent or academically inclined as they are, can feel like your parents or your aunts or your uncles or people are looking at you and being like, oh, like you're their sibling.

How come you're not operating at their level? I have found, though, that actually this tends to switch up the older we get. So the sense of competition and comparison, and kind of goes away. And I was talking to my friend Steph about this and how she has an older sister. And her older sister was like, well, now I compare myself to you. Like you are doing such cool things. And as I'm like approaching 30, like, I kind of want your life.

And I was like, huh, that's very, very interesting that you spend your whole childhood wanting to be like your elder siblings. And then, you know, your eldest sibling looks back and is like, I just want to be where you are. Like I'm so nostalgic, but also so impressed by you. Final point, and this was wonderfully described by an article from the therapeutic Center for Anxiety and Trauma, and it's that youngest children struggle with just getting whatever's leftover. And I don't just mean food or resources or even hand-me-downs. I'm talking about roles in the family. The longer a family has been together, the more rigid every person's role has become.

come. So by the time the younger sibling arrives, the family has kind of established a pretty consistent and fixed dynamic that more or less works for everyone involved. So younger siblings may end up adopting whatever role the family still needs and still lacks. So if everyone in the family is happy go lucky and really go with the flow, the younger sibling might, you know, fill that gap and become the responsible one. or another scenario, you know, everyone in the family is arguing and fighting and there's a lot of tension. The youngest sibling may feel inclined to break the tension by being the joker or by redirecting the focus of the family onto themselves. Also an interesting phenomena that I think

we're noticing maybe more these days is youngest children who have a significant age gap between themselves and the next child up. So people who, you know, their parents were kind of done having kids pretty early and then they were surprised by another baby or they decided, you know, a little bit later like, okay, it doesn't feel like our family is quite complete. Like it feels like we're missing someone and they choose to have a child much, much later on. And in that case, like the youngest child can take on the personality of an only child because it, you know, I I've heard of age gaps of like 15, 20 years at times. Like that's possible these days.

So with all of that in mind, we can see that being the youngest is quite a complex experience. How do we overcome some of the challenges? How do we embrace the strengths as well as the difficulties? I think talking about the first point that I kind of made way up the top of this episode, which was infantilization, being treated like you're incapable or like you are a child. even when you become an adult, I think what really needs to happen is at some point you have to make a very forceful assertion of your independence.

And whether that is through having a conversation with your family or moving somewhere like far away or doing something that really says like, I'm my own person, most youngest children will find that at some point they need to address this ongoing sense in their family that they need to be protected. They need to be taken care of. It is actually totally okay to say to your family, hey, you got me wrong. Like, yep, I understand that that is the personality or the person that you thought I was. I'm not that person anymore. And this is who I am.

I'm someone who is independent. I am someone who is adventurous and who can take care of myself. I want you to treat me that way. Like that's actually totally, totally okay. I think also sometimes there is a point of separation that is needed. A separation between the parents or even your siblings, whether it's through solo traveling, whether it is through moving away, whether it is just through spending a little bit less time with them. A lot of youngest children that I've spoken to or that I've heard speak about this in interviews have been like,

that was the real thing that helped me break out of like the stereotype that my own family was kind of perpetrating. The next big thing that I think we need to address is the sense of competition and comparison. Oof, that's a hard one. And it's not like it's comparison with a random stranger on the internet. Like, you can't really say to yourself, oh, there's gaps in that narrative because the chances are is that you know what's happening with your eldest and older siblings. That's what makes the comparison sting even more is that they are such a close counterpart to you.

what I say to this is this. What I say to this is this. This is what I want to say about it. Like I said, it can feel like there is this constant marker, like ahead of you that you can never catch up to because of your age. I want you to really, really sit and reflect on what it is you're chasing and what is this end goal that you're working towards. Because when you really start to think about it, what you're really chasing is someone else's journey, but also it's like this race to an imaginary finish line. And the imaginary finish line is like the end of your life.

So it's okay to take things a little bit slower and just remember that like it's not about timelines. It's not about what other people are doing. This is really like all you have. Like your journey and your life is all you have. And you are totally entitled to figure it out as you go along to take your time to do things that are different. regardless of, you know, if your whole family is very academic and you decide you want to go do something else.

Like that's okay if your whole family are creatives and you've decided you want to be an accountant. Like that's also okay. You're allowed to assert your own preferences for your life and follow them deeply and commit to them deeply even if there is this person ahead of you who you think that you should be like. Like they're doing, that's their journey. That's their experience. don't let their experience overshadow the one that you want to have as well. My final reflection is that, you know, youngest children face a lot of unique challenges. They also have a lot of gifts.

How can you use that to your advantage? What were the positives that you heard in this episode that you can say, wow, like, I have this ability more than some other people that I would know to be someone who sees risk differently, be someone who is okay with challenging the rules, be someone who thinks outside the box, who is outgoing. Like those are huge advantages. Take those advantages and do with them whatever it is you wish. Like that is you.

You have this beautiful personality. You are probably a wonderful person. Honestly, I have such a soft spot for youngest children. So let's just, yeah, I just think they're amazing. Like, they're some of my favorite people to be friends with. and I love them very, very much. So if you're a youngest child, yeah, big claps for you. I think I probably would really get along with you.

That's what history has told me. And I want to know if this resonates with you. So this is kind of like my own research. Like, is this accurate? Looking at your own life, do you find yourself reflected in this analysis? Or do you think you're someone who is very, very different? And if you are, if you think you're someone who's very, very different, I want to hear from you just as much as the people who say like, this is really spot on for me because, you know, I'm constantly questioning this theory as well and I want to know anecdotally, like, whether it applies. So I'd love to hear from you. If there's anything else that you think stands out with you and your youngest child friends, let me know that as well. And I hope you just enjoyed this episode. I hope you learned something. Make sure to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening. Drop a comment down below if you're a youngest child and what you have learned from this episode or what resonates with you.

And we'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, stay safe. Stay kind. Be gentle to yourself. And we will talk soon. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84's big to me.

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