The Psychology of your 20s - 29. Loneliness

Episode Date: April 8, 2022

Why you’ve been feeling lonely recently because I have been too! We talk about how to embrace loneliness, why your best relationships are just around the corner and the power of gratitude.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, listen to learn.

the hard way on the IHard radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier,

more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO% on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed. I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends.

Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. And welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast if you're joining us for the first time. What an episode to choose. and I think it's going to be particularly fun,

but full of some good insights, maybe, possibly, let me know after you're done listening. Yeah, this is more of a chatty episode. When I do, like, structured episodes, they take so long. They take, like, four hours, five hours to, like, research and record. And sometimes there's moments like this where I just have this thought, I have something I want to talk about. And I just think it feels more.

more authentic to just discuss, just to share what I think about it, instead of going into, you know, journal articles and peer-reviewed studies. And this just happened to be one of those moments. We're going to talk about loneliness today. We're going to talk about what it feels like to be lonely. Why we feel lonely. Yeah, kind of darker. I don't know. I still think it's just such an important thing to talk about. I don't know what's going around in the world at the moment, but so many people, so many of my friends that I'm talking to are really feeling this way, have been having this feeling for a while. And I've been trying to put my finger on it because I'm in the same boat. And the thing that I've come to the conclusion is that in your 20s

especially, everything is so transformative. Everything is changing. and the life that you had a couple of years ago, even six months ago, is not the same life that you have now. And as my friends are getting into their mid and late 20s, there's been some pretty major life adjustments, both positive and not so much negative, but hard ones, difficult life changes. And I think that creates this sense of loneliness that so many people and so many of my friends and I have been discussing recently, you know, moving, moving into new jobs, changing your life structure, gone to the days when we were all in uni or all just out of high school or in our first jobs or trades, and had a lot of free time

and had a lot of time to see each other, to form new connections. We just had so many more opportunities to meet people and to feel seen and to feel understood. And we just don't have that anymore. A lot of my friends are getting their first full-time jobs. That's like eight, hours out of every day that now you spend with co-workers instead of, you know, your friends,

instead of people that, whose company you really enjoy, maybe you love your co-workers. But I would say for the most part, it's a job. It's different to the people you'd choose. And the other thing I've noticed is a lot of my friends have gotten partners. And there's kind of two reasons this creates, like not a loneliness, but like a dynamic of like disconnect sometimes. you spend so much more time with your partner, that being one thing. And I guess if you don't do it right, you can end up feeling like you've lost people, feeling like you're missing out on fun things. And then for your friends, so like such as myself, a lot of my friends have gotten partners

recently or in the last year. And of course their life is going to be more centered around the people they're going to grow with, you know, romantically and intimately and build their lives with. and it can feel like you're quite on the out if you haven't found that person yet. And that's something I really want to discuss today because I've just been thinking about it a lot and thinking about what it means to outgrow people, what it means to feel lonely after you've lost people. And does that really mean it's a bad thing? That's something that's been on my mind as I've moved, as I've grown.

A lot of people I'm just not in touch with anymore. and it means that the quantity of friends I have has reduced, but has the quality really reduced as a result as well. That's something we're going to tackle also. And the media, movies, films, how are they contributing to this kind of dialogue that to feel lonely is to be a failure, is to be alone when that's not really the case.

Yeah, just a lot of things, a less structured episode today, if that's what you like, well then you've chosen a great time to listen in. If not, we will be back with the highly researched episodes next week. But let's get into it. Let's get into my thoughts on the topic of loneliness. So I've been feeling lonely recently.

Maybe you kind of got that from the first part of this episode. But I've been feeling really lonely. And I've been trying to kind of come to terms with that. And in some ways fix it. but also like appreciate the emotion for what it is. Loneliness these days, I think we have a tendency to really fear it, but we also feel it a lot deeper and a lot stronger. And it's more kind of in our faces when we do feel like we're not surrounded by good people

or not supported or don't have community because of social media, seeing everyone else with their amazing bands of friends and doing incredible things. It makes the feeling you have within yourself a bit more bitter. It stinks, I think, a little bit more. And I just don't think that's the right attitude to have. So for me, I've moved cities recently. It's meant that I've left a lot of my old friends behind. And it really sucks.

It really sucks because I'm an extrovert, I think, just in nature. And not having those people to talk to all the time, to fill my days with, to do fun things with is really difficult. And it leaves you feeling like you're a lot of. when that's possibly and most likely not the case. Loneliness hurts us so much because the absence of social connection, it kind of triggers, it doesn't kind of, it triggers the same primal alarm bells as, you know, hunger, thirst, physical pain.

Being surrounded by people, having a community, having social connections is as vital to our well-being as, you know, having a safe place to live, having food to eat, having a sense of security. We really can't understate how important it is to feel surrounded by those who you could lean upon or just people who you have fun with. So this is what I think happens a lot in our 20 years. You kind of do uni or you do your first job in a certain environment. And normally it's quite close-knit and then you move.

People move, people change, people quit jobs, people get partners, people make new friends. And sometimes there's a gap between when you move on and others move on or when you kind of make that leap before everyone else has. Or alongside other people who you don't know about yet. And that's kind of the thing I've been experiencing. I talk to my friend Sydney about this all the time. If you're listening, Sydney, love you to bits. But she had this experience. And I hope she doesn't mind me talking about it because it is quite comforting to think about how much she's kind of

have grown and learnt from the process when I'm kind of in my feels about it. But she moved to Melbourne last year. She moved away from Canberra, which was where I met her, and her whole community was established here. She'd had a partner here. She had friends here. She had work and family here. And she moved during lockdown. Terrible time. Absolutely terrible time to move to a new city. And it meant that she was inside, meant that she didn't have the opportunity to meet new people. And as that was happening, Canberra, where she was originally from, wasn't in lockdown. Everyone was still going out. Everyone was doing fun things.

And I think I would be safe to assume that I would, to say that, you know, she felt lonely. And we talked about this a lot because when I made the move to Sydney this year, I, like, called her about it. And I was like, I just find, it's really hard to make friends. It's really hard to meet people that you feel a kinship with. And she was like, you just have to, she almost gave me, like, almost like a doctor's orders. She was like, you've just got to say yes to everything. Go out and do things alone. Just be your own self.

If you want to go to an event, go by yourself. You'll meet people. And I was like, well, first off, that is incredibly courageous and very brave. I don't know if I can do that. But I did it. I've been really trying to do that. And she's absolutely right. But that's like, it's not always as simple as that.

And it takes time, I think, as well. And that time in between when you really start putting yourself out there, and when you do make those new friendships and those new connections is really isolating. I think that it's very easy to get into this mindset of like there is an equation to fix loneliness. There's two issues with that. Firstly, loneliness is like any other emotion that we feel. There is this saying in psychology that if it didn't serve a value, if it didn't have a purpose, it wouldn't exist. And loneliness, I think, really fits that description.

because although our first kind of inclination is to flee from loneliness, to stay connected with people whose company we don't enjoy, to stay in relationships with people who don't fulfill us, to stay comfortable, loneliness serves a really great purpose because it makes you want to reach out. It makes you want to make new friends. And it's a really defining emotion of growth, I think. I think also films and movies profit off this idea of,

loneliness is kind of like a disease it's a disaster it should be avoided really well um really really well and um like i can think of a couple like bridget jones's diary that movie is terrible terrible but the main crux of her loneliness is that she doesn't have a romantic partner that's something i see in media and like specifically like films and entertainment all the time this idea that if you haven't met the love of your life if you don't have like 50 amazing friends who are going to go clubbing with you and always answer your phone calls like you should feel lonely you should feel bad about yourself you should feel like everyone else is having more fun than you has better friends than you has more friends than you and it's not the case the one part about that i find the most issue with is this

idea that if you don't have a romantic long-term relationship you should feel lonely and i really resent that because I don't think that that's the case and I also don't think that having a partner or having someone you know romantically in your life is really going to make you feel any better if anything it's just going to make you more dependent on them for a sense of support and a sense of connection when you may have benefited more from building on current connections or creating new community. It's really a band-aid fix. And it's that saying if like, you know, you can only love someone as much as you love yourself. And it's, you can only, you know, there's only so much that a partner can do for you in terms of kind of reducing that sense of loneliness and that

feeling of not having someone. I think relationships are a quick fix. Quite honestly, they're such a quick fix. And it's so easy to be in a situation where you feel isolated and you don't feel supported and kind of jump to the first person who shows you affection or validation or attention. I've been there. I've done that. I don't recommend because the only thing it's going to do is draw you away from the people who you already have and it's going to make you more invested in that person, perhaps in an unhealthy way when it would probably have been better for you to sit with that emotion, come to terms with it and to have built community, to have made new friends to have put yourself out there rather than kind of closed yourself off. This is not to say that

you can't be lonely and have a relationship or if you're lonely and the right person comes along, like you should flee and you should absolutely say no because you could become codependent. That's not what I'm saying at all. I just think sometimes, you know, relationships work best when you are your best self. And if you feel like you're lacking something or missing something and that person is going to fill it for you. It's not always going to be the best long-term solution. What if they're not there? The fear of losing them will be stronger because they're satisfying a need that until that point you haven't been able to get elsewhere, or at least for a while. I think it's quite dangerous. Wouldn't probably recommend it, but also I do understand this need to like latch on to someone

else. I think there are always going to be periods of really hard loneliness in our 20s because of just the universal nature, the universal kind of state of change and that there's fluctuations that all of us are kind of pushed into as we try and establish our own lives separate from our parents, separate from our families, separate from our universities, from our jobs. We try and branch out. and there isn't always going to be a place for you to slot right into, and sometimes it takes a little bit of effort. The other thing that really contributes to loneliness, I think, in our 20s, is that it's so natural and it's just a God-given truth that you're going to lose people.

You're going to lose friends, lose touch with people, feel like, you know, a bit of a diminishing in connection with people that you have been friends with previously. I think in our 20s it's kind of the chance, it's a beautiful decade to get to try on different identities and to get to try on, you know, different versions of ourselves who connect with people for different reasons. But as you grow up and as you figure out more of who you actually are, those people who you were previously friends with no longer really fit that profile anymore. They no longer really fit into your identity. It's totally normal to lose friends. if you're not losing friends you're not growing as a person but it can sting it can really hurt

because you loved them and they served a purpose in your life and also because they're just another form of social connection even if you're feeling that relationship decaying or you you know you don't have as much to talk about anymore you hang out with them and you don't always leave feeling amazing it's really hard to let go of those people because you don't want to be alone you don't want to, you don't want to, like, get to the end of the line and be like, oh, you know, I dumped all these people, like, all these people kind of fizzled out. And now I have no one. But here's the thing. There is no point staying in friendships or relationships that no longer serve you. All it's going to do is, it's not weigh you down because I don't think people

weigh you down, but take up space and, or are already pretty busy lives that may have been better used by someone else. It's not a crime. It's not a sin to, recognize that you and someone else are not the same people anymore you don't fit into each other's lives as easily anymore and to just allow both of you to move on and to find people who do to give them the space to discover people who are better suited to them there's no point being bitter about it i think you know i've had this happen a lot of times and i'm sure you have as well or if you haven't you will like no one is going to grow and develop in exact parallel to you on the same kind of wavelength and the same timeline. There is going to be

discrepancies between where someone else is at and where you're at. And maybe they're just in your life for a couple of months and they served a really amazing purpose. Maybe they're there for a few years. Maybe they're like your lifelong best part. But you can't keep every person you were friends with when you were like 18 at 30. It's just not possible because you need to be able to create new relationships and there's only so much time that you have in your day. I think a really good indicator of when it is time to maybe start not so much pulling away but start creating space for new people is when you feel lonely when you're around someone else. When the connection is now missing and I had this with a friend and I really love for them dearly for so long we were such

good buddies but that we were really good friends for that part of our lives. And during that time, we were going through the same stuff. We were doing the same things. We had the same schedule. And then when those things started to fall away, you realized that it's not that you don't have anything in common. And it's not that that's a bad thing. It's not that they were a bad person. Our lives just weren't in line anymore.

And it's okay to be like, that's, well, I'm just going to let you go and let you have the best life you can have even if I'm not in it. But there's still space there. And I think that's where that lonely feeling comes from. because they still occupied your mind. Even if you weren't having the best time, you still enjoyed their company. Like, you were still friends with them for a reason, but it's good not to hold on to that just because you're afraid of being alone.

It's like almost like, I think I had this for a while where I would hoard people. I would like hoard them because almost like someone, you know, keeps like inanimate objects or just like random objects, arbitrary things. because they're always worried of like, oh, what if one day I might need this? And this is like something with hoarding. If you've ever watched that show about hoarders, where they're like, but what if one day I really need this incredibly specific tack, or like this really specific piece of blue tack,

or this really specific piece of kitchenware? And I can't let that go because then I'll be without. And I won't be prepared for whatever the situation deals me. The thing is, you will be. You absolutely will be. And it's the same with friendships. Sometimes you keep people around because you're worried about what it would mean if they weren't there. And you're worried about what if one day I turn around and I do really need them.

And that's where the fear of loneliness I think really starts to build and bubble. I guess I've been rambling for a while and if you found yourself on this episode, what did you expect? No, just kidding. It's just one of those days, you know. Just one of those feelings and I think it's important to share it and to, um, feel like other people understand this because I think that's what I would like and what I look for you know I don't know if you like this but what I'm feeling like a specific emotional feeling

I always like look up podcasts about that like using keywords because it's always comforting to know that others are feeling that way as well the thing about losing people and about growing and feeling lonely is that from pain and from hurt comes like the most amazing renaissance of growth and of just prosperity and I really believe that I think that that is the sole purpose of really hard times in our life is it makes us stronger and it creates a bedrock of kind of inner strength and inner reliability and perseverance and independence that is just invaluable later in your life that's invaluable at any point in your life and it really is and kind of blessing to get to go through periods of suffering,

knowing what comes out at the other end, knowing that you've really been forged in the fire. So from loneliness and pain, I guess, comes growth. That's what I'm trying to say. You know, from it also there's an appreciation of the people who are around you. I promise if you're feeling lonely, you're not alone, and I know that sounds so cliche, but sometimes I just sit back and I just like make a mental list

of the people who I love and who I could call and who would be there for me and it's always so much longer than I think it's going to be. I'm always like, oh, I've really got like two friends and then you're like, no, I don't. Like these people, I appreciate them so much and it's the quality of the friendships, not the quantity that matters so much more to me now that is just so much more important. And maybe that's like the solution is just having absolute and just insatiable gratitude for what you do have in your life, for the people who you do have,

for the people who love you, for those rare people who have grown in the exact same, like in complete unison with you as a person. It's just like wonderful. And it is made so much more wonderful when you don't have the fluff, when you don't have all those extra items

or extra people surrounding you or in your life who, you can't spend as much quality time with those people. Like it's just like a moment of pain, but also a moment of gratitude to recognize that as well. And the other thing that really kind of helps me is just knowing that the only thing in life that's promised is change and is the movement of time. And even if you're not feeling like amazing right now, isn't that just the best thing about time? It always moves forward. There's always going to be change.

There's always going to be improvement to your life. And even if things get bad, it means that eventually they will get better. Things do not stay terrible and awful for long. And I think about that a lot. I think about it all the time, especially right now. And, you know, I think about it every time I say yes to something that I kind of don't want to go to. Like, this could be the moment where, like, you meet, like, the new, amazing person who just fulfills all your needs and who's just, like, incredible and, you know, a new best friend. Or he just made somebody who had a great conversation with, and it makes you feel more connected and more.

more understood. There's this TikTok that I like to watch sometimes and it says you haven't yet met all the people in your life who you will love. Isn't that just the most beautiful thing ever? You haven't yet met all the people in your life who you will love and who you will invest in and who will invest in you. And you won't get to meet them if you spend, you know, time feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, there's space for pity, there's space for sadness, there's space for, for for grief and for pain. But at the end of the day, you can't really be in that state for too long.

You can't stay there forever. It's not a home for you. You've got to keep growing and keep pushing and know that there are amazing people around the corner who will welcome you and support you and understand you. And isn't that just the most beautiful promise that the world gives us? Thanks for listening to that. I'm just sitting at this lake.

I'm sitting in nature. I went for this beautiful walk today. And it always makes me feel better, moving my body, getting out, getting outdoors. That's the beautiful thing about nature. It doesn't care who you are. It doesn't care what you're feeling. It's ruthless to everyone, regardless of your past, of your future, of how you're feeling in the moment, of those you've hurt, of those who've hurt you. It's just like the great equalizer, I think. So maybe that's also a tip for dealing with loneliness. Get outside.

Say yes to everything and get outside. There's my tip. One of those is on behalf of Sydney. Love you. Thanks for contributing to this episode if she's listening. But if you're feeling this way, I just want to send you love. You're not the only one. I guess that's the thing. You can feel less lonely in the knowledge that you're not the only one feeling lonely. There's a whole club of us. And it's just a moment.

It's just a feeling. It always gets better. It really does. I remember feeling so keenly lonely at the start of my third year of uni. and saying to my boyfriend at the time, like, all I want is some new friends. I just need new friends. I'm so lonely. I feel so alone.

And yeah, it took a couple months. It took like half a year. But then all of these amazing people started showing up. And you know who those people are now? Those are some of my closest friends. I'm going to see one of them as we speak right after I finish recording this. And I met her because she, like, asked for something that I put up on, like, Facebook marketplace.

And we kind of knew each other, but not really. and I was like, I'll give it to you for free, just take me out for brunch. And we went out for brunch, and now she is one of my closest friends and just most loyal companions and strongest relationships I have. And I really hope it's like that for the rest of our lives. So everything does improve slowly. It might take time. But there are so many people out there, so many people out there who are going to appreciate

just everything about you. And even the things you might not like about yourself, they may love. and that's just such a good feeling to hold on to and to know that time moves on, things change. And you won't feel like this forever. Anyhow, kind of a sad episode, honestly, but also vulnerable, which is what I kind of like to bring to the podcast. I've talked about so many things like toxic relationships and unrequited love. This is just the next one on the list, I feel like. How could I not talk about loneliness at some point on this podcast?

But thank you for listening. Thank you so much. And if you feel inclined, please feel free to leave a review of the podcast on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, leave a five-star rating. Follow us on Instagram as well. It really helps the podcast grow. It helps these kinds of, I would say, intimate, vulnerable conversations, reach the ears of people who maybe need to hear it. And if you've listened this far, maybe share that on. If you've gotten anything from it, share the word.

tell your friends and thank you again for listening love you guys lots have a beautiful week hey what's good y'all you're listening and learn the hard way with your favorite therapist and host care games this space is about black men's experiences

having honest conversations that's really not safe to have anywhere but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing how many men carry a suit or armor it signals to the world that you not to be played with and just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast,

or wherever you get your podcast. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience

in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%? That's TWA% on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed.

I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the IHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast. Guaranteed human.