The Psychology of your 20s - 363. Let people have the wrong impression of you ft. Eli Rallo
Episode Date: December 12, 2025These days it's easy to feel observed and, therefore, judged by everyone for everything, whether that's online or in real life. Eli Rallo is an author and creator who understands this experience bette...r than most of us and today we chat about her journey from a hardworking, theatre loving child to a nearly three time author and the Carrie Bradshaw of this generation. Our discussion includes topics like: Why is it so difficult to let people misunderstand you? How our core wounds effect how we handle criticism The power of delusional thinking How to manage comparison in hyper-competitive spaces The truth about influencer culture What it takes to become an author How do you know you’re with the right person? That and so much more! Listen now! Buy Eli's book HERE! Follow Eli HERE! *The views expressed by guests are not necessarily shared by our host! We invite open discussion and differing viewpoints, experiences and information. ORDER MY BOOK Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast For business: psychologyofyour20s@gmail.com The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Hello everybody.
I'm Gemma Spike, and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s,
the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s
and what they mean for our 20s.
our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to another December guest episode.
It is so great to have you here. I am personally so excited for this episode and to have this specific
guest on the podcast. Being a creative person these days, having an online presence, putting yourself
out there can be tough. Even if you don't have an audience, people can be very critical of us when we are
loud, proud and passionate about our dreams.
One of my favorite creators talks about this a lot.
How to manage comparison.
How to let people misunderstand you.
How to know when something is meant for you.
She is the author of two books about being in your 20s and a content creator who is
honestly living her dream, Carrie Bradshaw life.
And today we got to have her on the podcast to really pick her brain about so many interesting things without further ado.
here she is. Eli Rallo, welcome to the psychology of your 20s. Thank you so much for having me.
I'm so excited. Yeah, me too. I feel like obviously we're in the middle of like our December guest
month. And I was like, who better to have on the show than another queen of the 20 somethings,
another queen of the 20s? If no one has heard about you, which I don't know how they haven't,
can you tell us a little bit about yourself and how you kind of begin your career,
to now being almost a three-time author?
Yes, I am a content creator and writer.
I'm based in New York and also Texas.
I'm 27.
And I started making content in 2020
and I've sort of been making content ever since.
And my new book,
does anyone else feel this way out October 14th?
So I'm in kind of the process of dealing with everything that comes along
with like pre-publication for a book,
which has just been so exciting.
and it's so crazy like, I don't know when this is coming out, but when we're recording it,
it's going to be out in a week. So it's been just a whirlwind.
Oh my gosh. I can relate. Like when my book came out at the start of the year, it's like this huge,
huge buildup. And then it kind of just like do it. And then everything just, you know what I mean?
Like you reach this like pinnacle. And the day that you release, the book is often like the least
exciting day. I don't know if you found that with your last book. Yeah. With my last book,
definitely did. With this book, I definitely have a lot going on more than the last one. The last one,
I was kind of like, okay, it's just here now and I'm going to go see my book in bookstores, which I did.
And that was a really special moment. But then I didn't have any like huge, I guess I did a book tour that
night. But I didn't have like huge plans. This time, I have like a fully packed schedule for the release
week. So it's kind of a crazier moment in time. But I think a lot of gratitude because I can compare it.
I can compare and contrast both of my sort of book release weeks and feel really grateful for growth and,
you know, all the steps in the right direction. So it's crazy, but it does really feel kind of
anticlimactic emotionally because you're like, here's this thing I've been working on and now it's here.
I know. And it's like, this is the thing that I have given like everything to and I've like poured my
whole heart into. I remember the day I released mine. I like went to find it in a bookstore and it wasn't
there. And I was like just walking around being like, oh. And it took me like a couple days.
it? Yeah, I was like, sometimes it takes a while for them to like get it into rotation. I didn't
know this about bookstores. Yeah, the things you learn. Okay, this is a question that I've been really
enjoying asking people recently, which is what did you want to be when you grew up now that
you are a content creator and an author? Was that always the goal? I wanted to be a writer and I
wanted to be on Broadway. So pretty similar. I'm pretty much the person I've always been,
which I guess is quite comforting. Like I always knew I wanted to be a writer and I always knew I wanted
to do like theater. So when I was a kid, I really wanted to write fiction. So I think it does feel like
a childhood dream sort of discovered and kind of a welcome home in a way because that was always the
dream. And obviously went down a different path first and I feel really grateful for that path as well.
But fiction was definitely always like where my head was at when I was younger.
Did you feel like there was a point in your life where you were like maybe this isn't going to happen?
Like maybe this is just not for me.
No.
I honestly thought to myself if I don't make it, like it's going to be the love of my life forever either way.
Like if I don't make it, I'm always going to write and I'll self-publish.
If I don't make it with Broadway, like, I'll do what I can to make enough money that I could
like donate to Broadway shows or like donate to children's theater.
Like I just knew I would always be involved in the arts.
even if I didn't make it.
So, like, no, I knew that no matter why I would still do it.
Like, no one can take writing away from you.
Like, if you can't publish traditionally, which would be like the dream, the dream, the dream,
the dream, like, you can publish yourself.
And if you don't, like, anyone could do that.
Like, I did it.
And when I was in college, I self-published a poetry book.
Like, I think I just knew that, like, no matter what, if I didn't make it, like, no
one could take doing it away from me.
It was habitual, like, in my blood every day, something I did.
and same with theater.
Like no one can take being a fan of the arts away from you.
No one can take being an audience member away from you.
So there was really never a moment that I was like this might not happen because I knew that
even if I didn't make it in the traditional sense of the term, like it would still be part of
my life.
And that was enough for me.
I think everything else is just like a cherry on top.
No, so I totally agree with you.
And I feel this as someone else who is like very much living out a dream they had for a long time.
People always are like, how do I know what like my,
dream job is. Like how do I know what I meant to be doing? How do I know what my purpose is? And I'm like,
if you would be doing it even if there was no one paying attention, what is the thing you do that you
just love to do because you love to do it, that you wouldn't actually ever need to be paid for and
you would still have the love for. Like that's the biggest thing. And some people like can't make money
off of those things, right? That doesn't mean it's not still like your purpose. Important. Yeah. Yeah. And not still
important. What do you think about being delusional about your dreams? What are your thoughts on
like this, this method for going after what you want? I think there has to be like a bit of delusion.
Like I don't think anybody like truly like confidently believes that they can like go out and
snatch everything. I mean, maybe people do. I think there has to be a healthy mix of like
realism and delusion. So the realism is like just that realistic voice being like these are, you know,
this is reality and this is where we're at.
right now. And then you have to sort of also take it the extra level that you just believe in
yourself in tandem. So I think you have to have a little delusion and a little realism.
That's always where I've like rested in my head. I'm not like totally delusional, but I'm also like
a little delusional, you know, like I'll keep it. I'll keep it a little delusional. But I try to be
realistic with myself. Like I think it just helped me be grounded. I always talk about like how my
parents raised us. Like, we were never raised to like get applause unless we earned it. Like my parents
were not the type of people. Oh, they're just jealous of you. My parents were not like you're perfect.
My parents loved us. But like if we weren't good at something, we were not being told we were good at it.
You know what I mean? Like we were getting we had to earn applause from things. And I think that it
taught me like to understand my strengths and learn how to work on my weaknesses in a really good way.
Like I'm good at being real. And then I think the delusion comes in with like,
You just have to be a little wacky when you're going to dream really big and you have to believe
that you can. And sometimes that takes like kind of kidding yourself in a way. But I try to be as
realistic as possible and then also a little delusional. See, I have this other problem where I feel like
sometimes I'm a little bit too realistic because I feel like being delusional jinxed things.
I don't know if you have this similar feeling where sometimes I'm like if I've thought about
something happening and if I really want it to happen, sometimes I get worried that it's going to
like jinx it and going to mean that in some universe it's already happened. So like it's never going to
be allowed to emerge again. What do your thoughts on? Yeah, I feel that. I, yeah, I think that like in
going through processes for things I didn't get, but like that I'm still qualified to get again,
like awards or nominations or bestseller, this or that, like I've just realized that. Like,
placing all this pressure on a thing is just not worth it because then you'll feel like how you feel like,
oh, I manifested this not happening.
So I try to just do my best and like forget the rest.
Like I try not to think about the lists and the accolades and all the things that I know are like around the bend that I'm being considered for that I have been considered for.
Like I try to just forget it all.
Like it doesn't exist to me.
And so that way like I'm only focusing on the work.
And I don't focus on like, you know, numbers and data and this and that.
And then of course like those things do matter.
And there are things that I focus on.
but I try to keep myself like pretty grounded in just like the creative,
the act of creating and then the art itself and not so much on the external.
Because I think when I did that, I would get really disappointed.
And I would also like feel like you did where it would be like, oh, I manifested this not happening.
Yeah, no, very, very true.
I feel like this is the advice that I wish I could.
I still think I need to hear myself, which is like just do it for the joy of doing something.
Like just do it for the joy.
and then no one can ever really take that away from you,
which is, I guess, like, the through line that we've just been coming back to,
like, time and time again as people who are, like, working in creative spaces
and working in, like, in entertainment.
I'm kind of going to shift gears here, and let's talk a bit about our 20s,
because I feel like that's what people are tuning in from.
Yeah.
You obviously have a lot of things that you really care about and that you really want to do.
And I think a big dilemma that people have in this decade is,
there is literally so much that I want to try.
and I want to achieve and I want to see how do I do it all at once?
So this may be like a strange question, but like,
what are your time management strategies, time management advice,
or like maybe deeper thoughts on like, yeah, I guess trying to do it all at once?
I think when I hear people have that sort of complaint of like there's so many lives
they want to live and so many things that I want to try, I'm like, God, what a privilege.
Like you need to reframe it.
like what a privilege to be so excited to live that there are so many things you want to try.
What a privilege to be so like enamored with life that there are so many things you want to do.
Like to me the reality is and it's completely something we can't change.
You're never going to be able to try everything.
You're never going to be able to probably visit every place or read every book.
But like what a gift that you could try to see as many places as possible or like read as many books as possible or try as many things as possible.
Like there are so many people that just don't have that.
luxury. There are so many people that are born into circumstances where they don't have that luxury or are
born or not able body. Like I just try to be so grounded in the reality of the privilege it is to be
excited to try things and to get to try things. And then I have so often talked with my friends about
the fact that I think like in your 20s, you kind of have to pick something to be like the center
focus point of your world and that thing can change from chapter to chapter year to year,
even month to month. And like I've sort of picked my job. Like it's at the center of
my world. I sacrifice. Everything else I sacrifice. I make so many sacrifices for my work.
For some people, they want to choose their friendships. For some people, they want to choose a
community that they're a part of. For some people, they choose family or a romantic relationship.
I also think that that thing at the center can change. It could change it any given week or any
given month. What I mean by this is like, I know that by putting my job and my career right now as
the center focal point, I am sacrificing things. I can't always make it to social outings.
I don't really go out because I have to rest because I'm, you know, extending.
myself so much with my work, but that's something I have to be okay with. So I think you have to
make, you have to figure out what your priorities are, figure out what the center point is
going to be of any month or any week, and then be okay with the boundaries you have to set and the
sacrifices you have to make in order to focus on that. And then I think kind of simultaneously,
just like realize it's a privilege to be overwhelmed with choice and to be excited about life.
Like, yes, there are so many paths that you could take. And yes, there is a such thing as decision
fatigue. Like I so often feel that way.
But it's like what a gift it is to be so exhausted by the opportunity to choose something so many
people cannot say that they have.
I love that way of thinking about it.
And I also love that if you go even further with that thought, that means that like you can
always choose again, right?
If you have so many choices that feel equally good, it means that like you're actually
probably never going to be stuck in one choice.
Yeah.
Like you'll never feel, oh, I took the wrong path because like there's always going to be something
else waiting for you if you really do feel like there are so many options you know what i mean yeah and people
change their lives like every single day i feel like the reason that people get so like fixated on like what
life do i want to live is because they think that it's like some kind of contract that they're signing
with like the world or with other people that like if i say i'm going to do this and this is who i'm going to
be i have to be ready to give 10 years of my life to that no one's asking you to do that like you are
allowed to change your mind like at any, any given time. In terms of choosing one thing just to start,
were there any, like, are there any questions that you were able to ask yourself or that you would
ask a friend to help them determine, like, which is the first thing I should do?
I guess it's just like, what do you want to do? Like, I think that people don't, I think that people
way over-complicate things. Like, what do you want to do? Like, if social media didn't exist and
nobody else's opinion mattered. What do you want to do? Like, okay, then do that. Like,
that, I think people way overcomplicate things. Like, at the end of the day, in adulthood,
I've realized, like, there's going to be such a proliferation of choice. And you need to get
super in touch with yourself to be able to ask yourself, what do I want to do? What do I want
to wear? Who do I want to spend my time around? And you have to figure out how to know yourself
well enough to answer those questions. I feel like sometimes we're just not asking ourselves that
question because we're so caught up in everybody else and it's like no but what do you want like that's what
what do you actually want and i feel like people aren't asking themselves that and they're often not
asked that either yeah it's always like how are you going to make money like how are you going to
fulfill this dream that i have for you like how are you going to be happy that's the other question
i feel like people always get fixated on it's like how do i know i'll be happy it's like no one
there is no promise something i actually i was talking to my sister about
this the other day and tell me if you agree with this line of questioning and sometimes people like
I think I'll tell you what I always ask her I say like the easiest way to determine what kind of
life you want is to is to see who you're jealous of see who is like lived out their dreams in like such a
such an amazing way that the only way that you can like comprehend that you might want it is through
envy because like you want it so badly and a lot of people are like when I when I tell them that are like
wow, you're promoting being jealous. And I'm like, no, because jealousy is actually like two
emotions, right? It's actually, it's a two-layered thing. There's the initial feeling and then there's
how you react to it. You don't have to react in like a backstabbing, terrible, self-effacing way.
You can react in a way that, like, makes it quite motivating and actually, like, switches to
inspiration and celebration. What are your thoughts on that? Because I know some people like hear that and, like,
have a completely different take.
I really like that. I think that's like super true point. I'm definitely someone who thinks that jealousy is like not really a bad thing. Like I just think like we've villainized it ourselves. But like I always say it's a signal that somebody else has something that you want. And instead of being like, oh, why them and not me? You could just as easily be like, why not us both? Or like, why can't I have that thing too? So I think jealousy is yeah, I think it's a super normal human emotion that we have to be like more comfortable kind of.
confronting and facing. And it's also quite a helpful one as well. Okay, we're going to take a short
break, but when we return, we're going to talk about comparison, how to manage when people have the
wrong idea of you, and how to deal with friendship in our 20s. So stay with us.
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In 2023, former Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal.
The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story.
This began a years-long court battle.
to prove the truth.
You doctored this particular test twice in so-ins, correct?
I doctored the test once.
It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case.
I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for.
Sunlight's the greatest disinfected.
They would uncover a disturbing pattern.
Two more men who'd been through the same thing.
Gregalespian and Michael Marantini.
My mind was blown.
I'm Stephanie Young.
This is Love Trap.
Laura, Scottsdale Police.
As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences.
Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges.
This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona.
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Rule one, never mess with a country girl.
You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes.
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We always say that, trust your girlfriends.
I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends...
Oh my God, this is the same man.
A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist.
I felt like I got hit by a truck.
I thought, how could this happen to me?
The cops didn't seem to care.
So, they take matters into their own hands.
I said, oh, hell no.
I vowed.
I will be his last target.
He's going to get what he deserves.
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On the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
or wherever you get your podcasts.
Let's talk about comparison,
specifically like comparison in the arts.
First question, I actually have for you,
which is completely unrelated.
But what do you think about the term
when people call you an influencer?
would you prefer like someone call you an author, a content creator, an influencer?
What do you like kind of think about that word?
I don't dislike it necessarily.
I think it's so sad that it's become sort of like this derogatory term that men specifically
utilized to weaponize it against women.
So like, knowing that, it makes me kind of like it more because I'm like, how are you going to,
how are you going to use this term as an insult?
And this term literally describes an economy of mostly women who are like,
pulling themselves out of student debt, buying themselves homes, creating generational wealth
for themselves that they never had before. Like, how are you going to use that? Like,
as though it's an insults, like, kind of screwed up. So I don't mind it. I'm happy with however
anybody wants to credit me. Like, of course, I would love the books to be referenced, but, like,
I'm not bothered by the influencer of it all because I recognize it as like an actual viable career.
And I feel like when people say like, oh, do you not want me to call you an influencer?
How do you feel about that?
It comes from this place of like people don't recognize it as a real career.
And that kind of makes me so sad because I'm like, wow, it's like this female dominated
industry full of women like completely rewriting their own lives and becoming independently
wealthy, which like should be celebrated.
But for some reason, it's not.
See, this is the conversation that like is happening in Australia right now where like a bunch
of what we would call influencers were, obviously.
like doing political coverage for like our recent election and it was like used as such like
this term to just like completely undercut their their opinions and to be like what are they doing
like on in these in these environments um but like something about that industry and it is a multi-billion
dollar industry um is that it can be like quite competitive as well and there is a lot of like
comparison and yeah like we said jealousy how do you
How do you manage that? Or do you just like not experience it or utilize it in a different way?
Yeah, I think it's like anything else. Like I'm sure people at their own nine to five jobs have the experience of like I even talk with my friends.
Like you're competing against a coworker for a promotion. Like there's a lot of competition within those spaces.
So I think it's like anything else that like you're going to compare yourself to people and you're going to see somebody on this brand trip getting this deal, shooting this.
thing and you're going to say, why didn't I get that? But I think if you want to be successful,
you can't, you can't view other content creators as competition only as community. And I genuinely
feel that way. Like sometimes those creeping senses of comparison will creep up. But like,
I know that like rising tides rise all boats. When one of us wins, we all win. And like,
I believe that the opportunities meant for me won't pass me by. And so because I believe that,
I try not to sit with any sort of comparison at all. And instead I'm like, that's my community.
Like, look at how well people in my community are doing. Like,
I see another influencer write a book.
When I see an influencer launch a podcast, a book club, a show, anything that is similar
to the stuff I do.
Like, I'm just celebrating that because it's like when one person in our community wins, we all
win.
And the more that we view it like that, just like the better it is for everybody.
Yeah.
And I feel like by talking about this like in a singular like business space, but that's like
advice that you can take in any area that you're in in your 20s.
Like especially academics as well.
Like I feel like a lot of people.
who listen to this are like still obviously still in university or some of them are even like in high
school um and the thing is is that like comparison will continue to repeat itself oh it'll always exist
yeah it will always exist and like you think that like oh i'm going to leave this like hyperacademic
environment it's going to be gone no because it's like a human quality right so it's going to be
with you you have to like just change how you approach it totally and i also think that like
you're just going to continue to raise the standards that you have to
upset for yourself. So it's like not going anywhere. You just have to learn how to maintain and manage it.
Okay. So this is another kind of element of this that I think you probably deal with like in your
career more than others, but which everyone is going to come across at some point in their
lives, which is managing people having the wrong impression or opinion of you. And I actually saw
you make like an Instagram story about this the other day, which was like, that's the worst part of
this job is having the bravery to like be like, this is my life now comment on it however you
would like and not being able to kind of talk back to those like, like, you know, false impressions.
How do you manage that?
I think you have to realize like there are people that are hell bent on misunderstanding you.
Like whatever you say, they will be like, you're wrong.
There are people that have a story about you in their mind.
they mine for details to confirm that story is true.
The story is riddled with confirmation bias.
And it's like,
I don't want to focus on that 1% of people.
If I could focus on the 99% of people who know my heart and my person and who I am.
So I just ignore it.
I think it takes a lot of strength to get to that place.
And I don't think it's for everyone.
Like I have a lot of friends who are like,
I would love to post,
but like I could never deal with the perception aspect.
And I get that.
Like, it's not for everyone.
And that's not to say I'm like stronger than anyone else.
It's just a matter of do you want to deal with it yes or no.
I do believe anyone could get to a place where they're dealing with it in a healthy way,
but not everybody wants to, which is totally valid.
And I get.
And I wouldn't recommend it.
Like, I, I wouldn't recommend it because it takes a lot of mental strength to get to a place
where you can just read like nasty lies about yourself and you have to, you can't do anything
about it.
Like you, there's zero you could do.
If you try to, if you, if someone said, she had a nose job and you never had a nose job,
so you went on a lie detector test and said, I never had a nose job.
And it said you were telling the truth.
they would be like she paid off the lie detector like if they believed that you had a nose job even if
you never did they're never not going to believe that so like there's nothing that you can do and once you
just free yourself from the idea that like people are just going to be hell been on having the wrong
idea of you why would you focus on anyone who has the wrong idea about you like you know the truth like
it really brings me a piece to know i've never had a nose job you know what i mean i mean i mean that's just
an example no one's ever said that about me but like that's my example like i've never had a
knows job and if you know that about yourself why shouldn't matter that people are spending a falsified
story about the fact that you had one you know what I mean yeah I do and I feel like it's this whole
everything we've been talking about here like relies on the fact that we get so much about identity
and validation and sense of self-worth from like our social ties and so when we are misunderstood
when we feel jealous when we feel comparison it kind of fractures that like foundation for our
beliefs this is just like another battle for this what's like the worst
misunderstanding that you've heard about yourself.
Like I have one, but like of my, of my own.
And I feel like each of us has this thing that like we have been misunderstood about
that we wish we could like clarify.
What's yours?
People always like have said that like my parents paid for my book deals,
which like I don't understand how people can't wrap their head around this.
Like you cannot pay a traditional publisher to publish your book.
You cannot pay Simon & Schuster, Hachette, Harper Collins.
like a penguin, you cannot pay them.
That's not a thing.
It doesn't exist.
There's no amount of money in the world that they will take to publish your book.
Like, you can't do that.
So that frustrates me because I feel like it just undermines like what I was able to do for
myself.
People say my parents connected me to them.
My parents work in restaurants.
They own small family run businesses.
One time, my dad self-published a coffee table book about food.
Like, that was a self-publication.
You can go and do it on Amazon.
You can pay someone to self-published.
publish a book. My parents don't have connections in publishing. If they did, I never would have
went into student debt to go to grad school. I would have said, mom and dad hook me up with your
connections. Like, they don't have them. And if they did, like, I'm so honest about so many things
that happened in my life, I would share my connections. Like, I would say I had them, but I didn't have
them. So it frustrates and upsets me that that allegation comes my way a lot. Um, because I'm like,
damn. And then, yeah, of course, the, her parents pay for everything, which is just simply
untrue. And I think that like a lot of people like I grew up very privileged. And the truth of the
matter is my parents themselves did not grow up privileged. Like the life that they've given to
myself and my brothers was very different from the lives that they had themselves. And so it brings
me a lot of sadness to like see people that work so hard get sort of that tossed in their
face because it's like they've worked so hard for my my brothers and I. But
also I was cut off the day I graduated college. I am so transparent about how privileged that I
have been in my life that I did not have student debt from my undergrad, which is like an
unbelievable massive privilege that sets me up to be like miles ahead of other people. And I
understand that truly and deeply. But I think it upsets me to see, oh, her parents pay for her whole
life because like I'm so proud of myself. And also like my parents didn't come from what they were
able to provide from us for us. So I think it also like, I don't know, it just makes me feel upset like
they didn't instill a work ethic in me or that like they're just paying for me, which they're not.
And I don't know. I think that that can be frustrating. And it's something that's levied at a lot of
women who don't come from privilege as well, which I'm just like, that's just plain sexist.
I guess I could see how people are arriving at the point that my parents like bankroll my life.
But like I haven't taken a dime from them since I graduated college. I would go on a lie detector test.
I wish I could. Those are some of them, like that I get that it's just frustrating. And like,
I don't really need to prove people wrong because I don't really care. You couldn't believe my
parents pay for my life and that they bought my book deals and that they connected me with
everybody. But like, that was true. I would be, I would have been a published author at like 18.
Literally, exactly. No, and I would have been calling that that contact up at like 16.
Yeah. You would have been transferring the money into the bank accounts. Let's go. Like, yeah, like,
I would have been bang for it myself.
It's so frustrating.
That's frustrating to me.
And like, you know, there are worse things like in the world than that.
But that's one of them that I'm always like, dang.
Like I wish that like people just believe that I could work hard and obviously privilege
has so much to do with it.
And I never want to shy away from that fact.
Like the privilege I've had is undoubtedly set me ahead and allowed me to achieve the things
I've achieved at such a young age.
And that's not what I'm trying to suggest.
I'm just trying to suggest when people like blatantly make up lies about me.
It can be frustrating.
I think it's also frustrating because it obviously like are things that go so deeply against your value set.
Like I'm sure people have a lot of things that you could easily dismiss and be like, no.
But it's when something is like so deep actually against your core values and who you are as a person.
Yeah, exactly.
Because I'd be honest.
Like if I think it's so, I always see those memes of like when you find out your friend's parents are paying for their rent, but they like lie about it and stuff like that.
like if my parents were paying for anything,
I would be so open about that because I think like transparency in that regard is so
important in our 20s, especially around money,
money's so awkward.
And I would like to your point about it going against my value set,
like if my parents connected me with somebody in the publishing world,
I would also be honest about that because then my story would be a lie.
The story of like how I got to where I am today would be just a total lie.
And like that's so problematic and unfortunate, you know?
Yeah, exactly.
And also it's like it just would.
be smart business. It just wouldn't be smart business. Yeah. Like if you, if you, if you believe
nothing else, like you can believe that you would be doing what's best for your business and for like
your identity. Dumb lie. That's a yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's like, wait. It's like lying about like
your parents being Nepo baby. Like to be like when Nepo babies, they're like, I'm not a
nepo baby. I've worked so hard for this. Like people aren't pissed about nepo babies. They're pissed when
they don't admit that they had a leg up.
You know what I mean?
No, I know.
It's like that.
I don't know if you know the comedian,
Robbie Hoffman.
I feel like I talk about her on the podcast all the time.
She's so funny.
She is so funny.
Yeah, so underrated.
Like she was on hacks,
like she was on dying for sex,
two really amazing shows.
I feel like if the frequent listeners of the podcast
is sick of me talking about how good she is,
but she did this interview with Raven from Natsur,
so Raven. Obsessed. And she was like, I don't care if you have money. I want the money.
Like that's why like people care about it, but don't lie about it. Like we don't want you to be poor.
We just also want to be rich and we want you to be honest. And like it and it was, it's very,
very interesting because like I remember I went to this like inner city public school in like Melbourne
and everyone's parents there, well, the majority of them were living in an incredibly wealthy
area. And no one would really admit that like maybe they'd had a few handouts and that like maybe
actually like they were doing pretty well. And there was this whole culture of like who like I think
it's even more offensive when someone takes like takes the idea of like I don't know,
not having much or like of poverty or like a really struggling and never having had anything
and cosplay as it. And cosplay as it. Yeah, exactly.
A hundred percent. I think it's so important.
I've always been transparent about growing up privileged and being a privileged person and like having parents who are able to like aid me with my education. Like that is a tremendous privilege. To lie about that would be crazy because it is a massive leg up to graduate from college without student debt. Like a massive in America. Like that is a massive privilege. It sets you on a different path. It allowed me to be financially independent how I am now. So I think that to your point like you're totally right. Like people.
who have money and who are financially privileged, like, nobody is mad at you.
They just want you to be, unless you're, you know, super unethical billionaire.
Yeah.
People just want you to be honest about it.
People want you to be honest about it.
And I think what frustrates me about lies that have been told about me is that I have
been so honest about all of it so far.
And they just pick and choose what to believe.
Like, why would I start lying now about, you know, oh, like my parents bought my book
deal or something like that?
like that's just frustrating like why would I lie about that like if that happened I promise I would
be telling the 100% truth if my parents were paying for my lifestyle I would tell the truth about that
because it sells everyone a falsified sense of reality and what's possible like I'm just going to
be honest about my financial place in this world as I have been and I think it's important that
other people do the same other people especially who come from privilege like to the point of like
oh my parents pay my rent and other people are looking at
at you like how can you afford all of this and it's like because they're getting help it's it's
i think really important in your 20s to be very open about that kind of stuff because a lot of people
are struggling and also a lot of influencers are posting lives online that people don't understand how
they could lead i know and then i think it sets people up for failure when they're like this is
possible for me and then they like bankrupt themselves yes yeah it's like bad influencing it's bad
influencing to omit the truth about your reality on the internet in order to make it appear a certain
way because people will feel influenced by you and I try to take that with a heightened level of
responsibility and like be really honest see the thing that like I like the biggest misunderstanding
that someone had about me was really similar and it's yeah well it was like I remember it was
just one comment and one like thread that I found like just never look up yourself on Reddit by the way.
Like anyone out there like just don't do it. It's the worst decision of your life. But someone was like,
oh, she's money hungry because like when I signed my, you know, deal for my podcast when I had a
full-time job and, you know, there were all these expectations for how many ads I would run and it was kind of
the only way to be able to quit. And, you know, that contract was for, from is for,
for many, many years.
And people always get frustrated by ads on the podcast.
And every time someone brings it up, oh my God, it just really upsets me.
And I know, I know it just, it really upsets me.
And I can never figure, like, for a while, like, my friends were like, why is it this?
Like, why is it this that you, people say it all the time and every time you have such
a visceral reaction.
And I think it's because, again, it's that there is all this context that people don't know.
and they make an assumption off of a very, very limited thing.
Also, it's like, how are you, how are you supposed to pay your bills, if not for ads?
Like, they should be excited that you have more time to focus on the podcast because you've
been able to leverage it as a full-time career.
And again, a woman who is self-made is so important in this world.
I don't know why we're not applauding more self-made women.
And instead, we just need to tear them down constantly.
And it's always like a man paid for it or she's doing too much.
Or, oh, she's money hungry now.
But a dude could be like, I want to be rich and nobody cares.
Exactly.
Exactly.
And I think there's like, again, it's this value thing where it's like you have no idea
how below my means I actually live.
And like you have no idea like how much money I even make.
And like the money that I give to like family members and the money that I give to like
through donations and like how I help.
friends like I think that's the thing where it's like you don't know and it's like my parents always
raised me to be again it always comes back to this value like my parents always raised me to be
very generous and to always like take what you have and give it back and so when people assume that
you're not what you've always been raised to be like for you you were always raised to be hardworking
and people assume that you are not that it's like just the deepest wound that can be cut
And I think it also, again, comes down to this thing of, like, people not being honest about
things and thinking, so you assume the worst. Like, you assume the worst of someone that you really
don't know anything about. And I don't judge anybody. Like, I do judge people for coming at you like
that. But I get where they're getting it. They're getting it from people who have lied. Do you know what I
mean? Yeah. Like, they're getting it from the people who have lied because there are people who have
but ultimately I just think we need to be celebrating more financially,
independent, successful and self-made women,
especially who are just like unproblematic and doing their best and like are honest.
Like seems that you've been very honest.
So that's just like so horrible.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for you as well.
Like it's, but again, I love how we're like, let's give, let's give advice on how to
be misunderstood.
And we're like, well, I'm still angry.
Yeah.
I, yeah, I think it's, it's frustrating, right?
but like I think at the end of the day like I freed myself from that kind of stuff and you ask it about it.
So I'll bring it back up. But the idea that my parents paid for my book deal, the idea that I
don't fund my own lifestyle. Like those things are deeply rooted in sexism because they wouldn't
say it about my brothers. They don't say it about men. And it's deeply troubling to me when they
levy it at women who didn't come from privilege. Like I understand how you got there with me.
Like I can see how you got there. It makes sense.
women who didn't come from privilege, like, that is so insulting.
Like they are completely and entirely self-made.
And that's what you're going to say.
Like, that is so deeply sexist to say about somebody who has put themselves in a financial
situation they never would have been in before, which is true of so many female content creators
and entrepreneurs in the media space.
And this is the thing is like, whatever situation you find yourself in, again, you know,
your truth, but also people can have those opinions and it does not change how much you have
worked for this and it does not change all the effort behind the scenes. And it's this thing of like,
okay, if you truly believe that this is all that it took, give it a go. Like if you truly believe
that this is what happened, like try and find another story like that or like. And for people who are,
you know, obviously not kind of in the space that we are in. I think it's just about having such a
stoic mindset and being like, okay, but genuinely how does this impact the actual reality of
the situation? It's just words. And someone who is thinking about you that much, like they don't
have time to think about themselves in a way that's improving them and bettering them. So it's like you,
it's your gain through their loss, right? Like, they don't have time to think about themselves in a way that's improving them and bettering them. So it's like you, it's your gain
through their loss, right?
Like they have chosen to like let you occupy their mind.
That's a win for you.
Like you just can't let that happen to you as well and let them occupy your mind.
I think the cost of sort of being seen and putting yourself out there is dislike.
Like the idea of people disliking you, you have to be brave enough so that people
could dislike you.
Yeah.
Which is scary, but real.
It's the cost of like a lot of success.
All right.
We're going to take one more break.
Let me return. I want to talk about your relationship and also a little bit about your new book.
Stay with us.
2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available.
I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness,
fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.
I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more
to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry.
We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory.
We got it wrong.
Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress.
Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person.
Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-P-P-Cent on the I-Hart Radio.
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs?
Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people.
I know what you're thinking.
What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim?
Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast.
I'm Sam Jett.
And I'm Alex English.
Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down,
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Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill,
waxing all about crack in the 80s.
To be clear, 84 was big to me, not just because of crack.
I'm down to talk about crack all day, but just so you all know.
I mean, at this point, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack.
So I'm starting to see that there's a through line.
We also have AIDS on the table right now.
Thank you finishing that sentence.
I don't think there's a more important year for black people.
Really?
Yeah.
For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history.
Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hardway with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games.
And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests.
I'm talking, Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark.
Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we,
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And we're still chasing it.
And we don't know when we've done enough.
Because people scoreboard watch.
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Steve Burns, Dustin Ross,
because you find it important to be a good person
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Are you a good person because you're afraid?
Because that's two different intentions, bro.
Absolutely.
And that's two different levels of trust.
I want you to just really be a good person.
Join me, Kear Gaines,
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In 2023, former Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd
found himself at the center of a paternity scandal.
The family court hearings that followed
revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story.
This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth.
You doctored this particular test twice in someone, correct?
I doctored the test once.
It took an army of internet detectives
to crack the case.
I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for.
Sunlight's the greatest disinfected.
They would uncover a disturbing pattern.
Two more men who'd been through the same thing.
Gregalespian and Michael Marantini.
My mind was blown.
I'm Stephanie Young.
This is Love Trap.
Laura, Scottsdale Police.
As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences.
Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has
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There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl.
You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either.
We always say that trust your girlfriends.
I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends,
Oh my God, this is the same man.
A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist.
I felt like I got hit by a truck.
I thought, how could this happen to me?
The cops didn't seem to care, so they take matters into their own hands.
I said, oh, hell no.
I vowed I will be his last target.
He's going to get what he deserves.
Listen to the girlfriends.
Trust me, babe.
On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Am I right in saying you got engaged this year or last year?
Yes, I got engaged last year, 2024.
Okay, how was it?
It was so magical and perfect.
And I'm so excited for our wedding, which it's crazy.
It's like eight months away now.
And it feels like it happens so quickly.
My gosh, eight months away.
How was the wedding planning period?
I guess you're still in it, right?
It's interesting.
My mom is definitely doing a lot of it.
So that's really helpful.
Frankly, with like this whole book situation,
I haven't been thinking much about the wedding.
But I know once the book is behind us and we kind of get closer to 2026,
it's going to be sort of all hands on deck, which, yeah, it's crazy.
You're having like a little summer wedding almost, like a pre-summer wedding.
Yes.
Pre-summer wedding, like kick off of summer, which I love because summer is my favorite season.
Yeah.
the best. Okay, this is a question I get, speaking about 20s, I get all the time, which is,
how do I know that I'm with the right person? What are your thoughts on that? How did you know
that you were with the right person? I think it's like so annoying to say. Like I can't stress how
annoying this is going to be, but like if you have to ask, it's not the right person. You will know.
Like I promise you, you will know. It is the most subtle and also deeply,
comforting feeling of just like this is my person there's no other way this could go it's only us like
i can't describe it other than that like it just makes sense and like you will know if you're it's not
some big fireworks explosive feeling it's very subtle and very comforting and i think if you're
searching for it it's not there and i don't mean to be condescending like at all i i just had
never felt the way that i feel with my partner now with anybody else that i'd ever been with
and I thought some of them were the one, but they weren't.
And it took meeting the person who was to be like, damn, like, that's what it feels like
to be with the right person.
It's just very comfortable, very subtle, very comforting, very obvious.
This is like the line that everyone always says, like, you know, you know.
And I think when you, and I think again, like when you were in the situation when you're like,
what do they mean by that?
It's like, well, you probably haven't experienced it.
You haven't felt that way.
And that's okay.
Like, it's more special if it's singular.
Like it's going to come for you and who knows?
Like, but why would you want to feel that a million times?
Like the person that you're going to want to end up being with, like, that should be more
special than the rest.
So like being patient for that feeling is worth it.
When do you think is the time to leave a relationship?
So if you have this feeling and you're like, I'm just not sure, how much time do you think
you should give yourself to really maybe investigate it?
If you've got like a bit of relationship anxiety or like you just found yourself being quite
stressed about relationships in general.
I think it depends on how long you've been in the relationship.
Like if it's been like six months and you're like,
I think every individual relationship is different, right?
I think you just have to take the time that you need to investigate it and be real with yourself.
I would talk to someone about it.
Maybe that's a therapist,
a trusted family member or friends.
Sometimes like getting the feelings out into the world with someone like non-judgmental
can be helpful.
And then I would make your decision from there.
I wouldn't linger for too long.
Like I feel like the same way if you know, you know about wanting to be with someone,
there isn't if you know, you know, about wanting to get out.
And sometimes we avoid the feeling for far too long.
But like the longer you avoid it, the harder it'll be.
Yeah.
And trust your gut.
Like it's not relationship anxiety if it's been following you for months.
Like if this has been like three months, six months, like there's something else going on there.
There's something else going on there.
And you'll feel like a huge.
sense of relief. I think like a lot of people don't want to be single and that's actually why they
stay in a relationship. What's like your thoughts or advice on that predicament? I don't think like being
single is inferior to being in a relationship. Like I don't see one as like a waiting room and one as a
destination. I see them as like sort of equivalence or like being single can be equal to dating and can be
equal to being in a relationship. You can be single and want to be in a relationship but there's like
nothing wrong with being single. And I think once you realize, like, being single is not a waiting
room, it gets so much better. Because like, you're like, yeah, right. Like, I was like waiting to live
my life till I was in a relationship. That's sort of so sad. Like, let me just live it now.
I understand being scared to be single after being in a partnership for so long. But like,
being scared means that you care. And I think that's a really good place to start. And not only that,
like when you are scared and when you do something brave, like that's when the greatest transformations of
your life happens. You have to like keep the faith that on the other side it will be good again.
And I do believe that it will be. Like no one has been heartbroken for their whole entire life.
It's not a thing. And even if they have, they've made amazing art from it. Like,
or they have like poured that into other people. Like yeah. But even though, yeah.
This is the thing like I was saying this to my friend the other day. I was like maybe that's
where all the cat ladies come and there's a lot of souls that need love. And like there's always,
you're always going to find love in like some form. Right. Like maybe.
you maybe you will grieve this person for the rest of your life you probably most certainly won't but
if you do like that means that you're going to have so so much more emotion to to put into other things
as well like and that means you're going to feel very very human and also you're just like that's the
worst case scenario it's obviously not going to actually occur like people people are so flexible
and get over so much more and so much worse and like your heart can take so much more than than
you expect um let's like turn up
focus back onto your book as we wrap up. It's out now. When this episode comes out, you guys may have
called on that we are recording this a little bit early, but I just had to get Eli on the show.
It's out now. What is your favorite chapter or favorite takeaway from this collection of essays?
I love the last chapter. Like that's probably my fave. Like if I had to choose my number one,
it would be the last. I also really like the first. But my favorite thing is like getting to see what
other people think of it.
Like somebody's favorite chapter is not going to be one of those two that I just mentioned
and I can't wait to find those little nuggets of reader feedback out once it's in the world.
What's the last chapter on?
So we all know.
It is, does anyone else feel like it's okay not to know everything?
The biggest fear about 20s.
The fear from which all other fears stem from, I believe, the fear of like of the unheard.
Yes.
I can't wait to read it.
We always finished with this one question, and I'm excited to hear her answer, which is,
what is one thing you wish you knew sooner about your 20s or one piece of advice you would have
for someone in your 20s that has nothing to do with what we discussed today?
I would say, like, don't try to waste it away.
Don't try to be like onto the next all the time.
I think there was a large chunk of my 20s that I like was just so wanting to like be out of that
phase out of my skin into a different phase into a different moment and I just like really regret
not living in the present more. So I would say just like lean into the moment even if it's uncomfortable,
sticky, shitty, awful, you hate it. You're never going to get the time back. And who knows what
the future holds. Yeah. Respect all seasons. They're there for a reason. Even I love that. Even the terrible ones.
Yeah. Well, I want to thank you again for coming on the podcast. Where can everybody find you?
You can find me on Instagram, Eli at Eli.ralo and TikTok at Eli Rallo.
And you can get the book wherever you buy books.
Yeah, you can get both books.
I will leave them in the description below.
They have really cool covers as well.
Oh my gosh.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
The cover, like I remember when you announced like your second book, I was like,
that's a really sexy cover.
Thank you.
Thank you.
People are going to love it.
Thank you again for joining us.
As always, if you enjoyed the episode, please leave a five-star review.
you wherever you are listening. Make sure you're following along and follow us on Instagram at
that psychology podcast to see the other guests we have coming on this December as well as
just keep up behind the scenes. Stay safe. Be kind. Be gentle to yourself. We will talk very,
very soon.
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