The Psychology of your 20s - 376. 7 tips for moving to a new country in your 20s

Episode Date: January 19, 2026

Moving to a new city is one of the most exciting (and emotionally challenging) things you can do in your twenties. Whether it’s for work, study, love, or a fresh start, leaving behind what’s familiar often brings a mix of freedom, fear, loneliness, and growth all at once. It’s a rite of passage, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. In this episode, I’m sharing my personal experience of moving cities multiple times in my 20s, including moving internationally for the first time, alongside the psychology that explains why this transition feels so destabilising—and what actually helps. We explore:• Why moving increases stress, emotional exhaustion, and homesickness• Why it takes around 6 months to truly adjust to a new city• The role of routine, repetition, and place attachment in feeling settled• Why “going home too often” can slow down adjustment• How novelty, social effort, and structure protect mental health during transitions If you’ve just moved, or are thinking about it, this episode will help you feel less alone, more grounded, and more confident that what you’re feeling is normal, temporary, and part of the process. ORDER MY BOOK Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast For business: [e-mail]    The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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the hard way on the IHard radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier,

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Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 is big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it.

With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spike and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here back for another episode.

Today, we are talking about a ride of passage for so many of us, but also one of the scariest things you can do in your 20s, moving to a new city, whether it's after you graduate college or for college or just for fun, for work, for a relationship, leaving what we know and the place we call home can be, honestly, it's romantic, it's exciting, it's also deeply conflicting, right?

There is the allure of a fresh start and then there is also a deep fear. Fear around, like, am I even going to like this? Am I going to make friends? I'm going to be able to afford it? Am I going to find the places and the routines and the community that I love? I have moved around a lot in my life, but especially in my 20s. I'm on my third city of my 20s so far. And you guys know I've just moved internationally for the first time.

I now call London Home. And I think all the experiences that I've had before have actually given me a bit of a routine and a formula that I am currently following to adjust to this new city and to make this place feel like home. And so I want to share that with you all. I will say it isn't without its challenges. I don't want to romanticize it too much because part of the reality and I guess the price you pay for a new beginning is that it's going to be hard and you are going to be sad and there will be lonely times. I won't lie. London has, London's kind of knocked me on my butt. I've been pretty lonely.

I haven't really found my groove yet. I miss my dog. I miss my dog. It feels like I'm literally grieving somebody. But having a plan is sometimes all you kind of need to break out of that funk and just let you enjoy the process a little bit more. Because that's what a little bit. is it's a process it's going to get better we'll also of course touch on the psychology and the science to why these tips for adjusting to a new city work and what the research tells us to do but without further ado let's get into my five best tips for moving to a new city in your 20s moving to a new city is again always going to be difficult for literally everyone it does not discriminate for a few obvious reasons, for a few non-obvious ones as well that I want to go through and I want to touch on.

Number one, the reason it's going to be hard is because it's a complete upheaval to your routine, your sense of stability, and what is comfortable for you. We are psychologically grounded by what we know and by having a stable environment and having that stable environment directly links to emotional stability, even physical health at times as well when you first move to a new city. It could literally be the city over, it could be an hour away. But there is always going to be a lack of familiarity that feels stressful and uncomfortable at times at least for a few months.

You're constantly encountering new stimuli and new things and new streets and new systems and smells and your brain has to be more active in dissecting and processing these things. compared to the status quo of your previous home city. This whole process taxes your cognitive resources more than usual. And you may not immediately notice how much this strains and overwhelms you, but it will. It's inevitable. And it's going to lead to exhaustion and a lot of emotion.

That's what makes this adjustment period pretty difficult. Often how this manifests is, obviously, through homesickness. Home sickness is like heartbreak in a lot of ways. It's like a longing for what we used to know and what felt easy and safe, even if it wasn't what was best for us. Yes, where we used to live isn't a person. I know that, but it's, you have an attachment to it, like it is a relationship. You have memories, you have feelings, you have traditions with your old city and moving away from it is an unacknowledged grief that things are never going to be the same. Like, it's never going to be what it was and that's grief, that's sadness. The second reason moving to a new city is bound

to be difficult is that you typically have fewer social connections. I know, call me misobvious, but it impacts you on a level beyond what you think it does. Some of you may be really lucky, maybe the lucky ones and you've moved to be closer to your friends. I'm deeply jealous of you. but that's also not, that's not the norm. Typically, we are starting from scratch, and that is so isolating, even when, you know, you call your friends every day, even when they come and visit,

sometimes you just want a friend, you can go out for a beer with once a week. Sometimes you just want physical connections, somebody you can sit across from at a table and just vent to, and they're just there for you and there, and you could reach out and touch them. I remember when I first moved to Sydney, I knew so few people and I was trying so hard, desperately

hard to meet people. I was doing all the things. I was rock climbing. I was life drawing, et cetera, et cetera. None of it was working. And I just called my dad and I was like, all I want is a friend. One single friend. That's all I want.

That would make this easier. It goes without saying not having that support system. It lowers our coping in so many ways. somewhat similar to this and the third reason it's so difficult, the one I hear so few people actually talk about is moving for a period of time is going to mean that you don't know who you are. It's just natural. It will always force an identity reset whether you want it to or not. When you move to a new city, you don't just lose places and people like you lose mirrors, the people who knew your history and your patterns and your inside jokes and the roles or the

archetypes you played. In your old city, you didn't have to explain who you were. Like, your identity was socially reinforced constantly. In a new place, no one knows your backstory. You're suddenly untethered from the version of yourself that was consistently reflected back to you. psychologically this is destabilizing because our sense of self is not just formed in isolation, it's relational, it's formed in our relationships to other people. Research on self-concept clarity shows that when external feedback and social continuity disappear, we experience more anxiety, more doubt, and more emotional volatility. You're starting from scratch in, like, in more ways than one.

So how long is that going to last? That is what a lot of us probably want to know. Like, skip to the good part. When's it going to get better for me? I spoke about this in my I moved to London episode. But I believe it takes six months to adjust to a new city. Six months before you know if it was the right decision or if it was the wrong one. No major feelings you have before six months can be trusted. You can't decide like, I'm going to be. I'm, going to apply for citizenship and I'm going to move here permanently, but you equally cannot decide this was the worst call I've ever made and I need to go home now. Even if you feel either of those things really strongly and really deeply, your emotions before the six month mark cannot be trusted. The consensus is in some psychological communities, you know, it takes 90 days to form a habit. It's a bit

oversimplified when you look at that research. But let's say 90 days. Let's say three months, three months to get used to a routine, to get used to a habit, the habit of a new city, the new systems, the new customs. And then I think it takes another three months to really decide like that routine. You've gotten used to it. Do you enjoy it? At six months, you will be so surprised. You will wake up one day and things might not be perfect, but you will notice a shift. You've made some friends, you can navigate transport easier, you have a bit of a weekend routine, markets, shops, walk, trivia, that starts to feel normal. At this point, your allostatic load as well is also going to lower, like we spoke about before.

Moving to a new city is a major life event. It's going to temporarily increase cortisol. It's also going to be triggering your sympathetic nervous system. You're going to be very, very stressed. when you get into the routines, predictability naturally lowers some of those responses. With that in mind, let's get into some of the tips that can help you make that transition a little bit smoother before the six-month mark and after the six-month mark as well. Starting with my most important tip of all, do not go home for the first three months if you can

avoid it. The worst thing I did when I moved to Sydney was that I kept going back to. to Canberra. And the worst thing I did when I moved to Canberra was that I kept going back to Melbourne, like every weekend. And I get it, like, I have sympathy for that version of me. I was so lonely. I miss my friends. I miss what I knew. But it meant that in hindsight, it took me longer to adjust because I wasn't investing and I didn't have the free time on the weekends that I needed to make a real investment in my new city. Consider it, like how I can consider it now is like going no contact with an ex. You can't, you know, expect to adjust to being

single or being in a new city if you are constantly reminded of what you had before and all the good feelings towards that place. Like all those good feelings keep getting activated the more you've returned, meaning that the positive association doesn't reduce to reference the psychology here adjustment to something new relies on habituation and also extinction learning if you want to adjust to not having something or to a new habit or a new routine. You have this learned response to your old city, right? One of positive feelings, one of joy, friendship, relief when returning. That means your new city at this time is never going to be able to compete with that the more you continue to reinforce that feeling. The only way you can extinguish that association and make room for this

new city to feel as comfortable as your old one is to stop that feeling of like this place I used to live is the only place I'm going to feel good in by constantly going back. You are not giving yourself the best chance here if you just keep returning every weekend. This is like classic negative reinforcement as well. The discomfort you are. are experiencing in the new city is being reduced by going home to the old city, which basically strengthens the urge to escape again next weekend, which means you form a habit of avoidance towards your new city, meaning you and the new city never get to form your own relationship. The same way that when you break up with an ex, like you and yourself, and you feeling okay

being single never gets to happen if you keep going back to them. I know it feels strange to hear me talking about cities as if they were people. and as if they are relationships. But I think when we frame it in this way, like it makes a little bit more sense and we understand the, we understand the emotional implications better. If you want to feel like your new city is the new normal and is good for you, go no contact with your old city. Tip number two, for the first three months at least, never spend a Friday night at home.

this is probably my most controversial one. I know some people, that's the day they really recharge. And especially for my introverted listeners, like, I'm sorry. I know you're going to hate me for saying this. But part of what makes a new place feel like home is, of course, the relationships you build there and the fun memories you make on your weekends or on your nights off. When we are experiencing a lot of stress and a lot of overwhelm and a lot of anxiety from all this newness, it's very easy to withdraw and to want to recharge by yourself and you want to watch the office

for the 15th time and you want to cook your comfort meal and you want to cuddle up in bed. At that moment, you have to ignore that instinct and you have to do the hard thing. You've got to go out and meet new people. You have to go and make some plans. You've got to go to a social meet up, a board game night, get into some kind of pottery Pilates painting class. You're going to go drinking with your colleagues. You can rest on Thursday night. You can rest on Saturday night.

But Friday nights, as a practice, at least for the first three, six months, are going to be your social nights. And unless you are sick or unless you are dying, you are going to be somewhere that is not home. I think having that one day where you make this a priority is super important because it gets us into the practice of being. social and meeting new people when the path of least resistance, especially in the early days would be to do nothing and to spend that time alone. A bonus tip for you as well that I think falls under this

is don't be afraid to get desperate and to do things you otherwise wouldn't for friendship. Don't be afraid to come on too strong and to message the same person a few times in a row to ask what their plans are or to reach out to people that you don't really know that well slash at all to do something or to go to, I don't know, an event or a meetup that you would normally maybe avoid. Friendship meetups, concerts alone, dinner by yourself, like drinks with mutual, mutual, mutual,

friends, like, feels awkward. Chances are if somebody else is there, they're feeling the same way. they are in a similar position to be in that situation. For example, somebody who is doing this very well is my boyfriend right now. Like, he has, I told him this tip and he has taken it to like a new level. He's like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, goodbye, you will not be seeing me. Like, last night, he went to a sketch night for three hours with a bunch of strangers. I've never seen him draw in his life.

I didn't see the picture. I don't know what he drew. He didn't bring it home for me. So maybe he didn't go. He definitely did. Like another night as well, he went to a board game night. I think like on Saturday. And like this is the same guy who, to give you some context, like when we were in Sydney,

typical night for him is he would work really late, get home at 7, go to the gym, play video games with his buddies. Probably like Monday to Friday and Sunday he would do that. And then maybe like Friday and Saturday would go and do something social. So this is not his norm. but you've got to make the most. And what I respect about what he's doing right now is like he's making the most of the momentum and the motivation that the first few months and the desperation of the first few months is going to give you. Also, another bonus tip, sorry, bonus tip like 2.3.

Lower your social expectations at first. You're not aiming for the perfect friendship group. You are aiming for at least the beginning. one friend. In the next three months, one friend, just one person that you click with, that you like, that you could see yourself getting to know, then move from there.

Don't immediately feel like if you don't have the big group of friends, you know, you're never going to have that. When I moved to Sydney, it took me three years in Sydney to get anything close to a friendship group that felt cohesive and whole. It did come.

It just took me a little while longer. The way I got there as well was I just focused on that one friend, that two friend, those individual relationships first, and then I moved from there. Okay, we're going to take a short break here, but when we return, I have three more tips for you, plus a bonus one. I actually think most people overlook when they first move to a new city, so stay with us. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness,

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A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care, so they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends.

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now we're up to tip number three tip number three make a bucket list for your new city and start ticking one thing off that bucket list per week even and especially if it means that you have to go alone. This time is going to be tough. We've already talked about that. We've already covered that. We're done with that. But it will be easier if you romanticize it a little bit more and you kind of treat it like

you're just a long-term tourist, at least at first. Yesterday I ticked off an item from my bucket list. I went to the British Library and I wrote my scripts there. and it was great. I got out of my house. I saw some original like Sylvia Plath letters. Someone did try to steal my seat whilst I was in the bathroom, but you know, I saw new things, I had fun, it was snowing. Why I have found this helpful is because firstly, yes, it keeps you focusing on all the amazing parts of this new city that you are yet to see, even on the days it's hard, keeps you focused on the privilege of this experience. It also has kept me occupied during, times when I do feel lonely.

You know, yes, it's not ideal. Doing things alone when you feel lonely, you might think it makes it worse. But going where the people are and going where there is newness and novelty and things that you're actually excited to see and you would be excited to see if you are only here for a week makes it so much better and just reminds me

like there is so much to explore here and there is so much to like get out and see even if I'm doing it alone to begin with. It also creates what we call place attachment. Places don't feel meaningful because of time alone or even because of relationships alone. They feel meaningful because of memories. The memories we create through effort. And this is one way of doing it.

Having that adventurer mindset, I think also additionally helps you find cool stuff and cool places that feel like your own and also make you feel like a local. I feel like you know the local secret. because you're wondering, you're walking, you are doing stuff, you are appreciating, again, the privilege of this experience. And honestly, I think there is also a big dopamine element here. Having this bucket list gives your brain something to look forward to. And that sense of forward motion is protective during transitions. It combats the emotional flatness that often comes with loneliness and adjustment. because you're generating regular experiences and moments for yourself of reward and accomplishment

and dopamine and novelty. Make your bucket list. I will say I still have things on my Sydney and my Canberra bucket list that I didn't do and I regret that. So I'm fully committed to my London one and to pursuing that like novelty and all the fun things that this city has for me. We're actually going to do a full 180 here for tip number four. Bucketless, novelty, important, amazing.

So are your routines. You need to establish a routine that you are consistent and loyal to. You guys know me. I am honestly, I'm such a routine hater. I love just like waking up and being like, what's on the agenda for the day and like making it up as I go along? That's how my brain operates. I don't love the structure.

when I move to a new city, I get invested. I get serious about my routine because I know this is the key, the psychological key, the routine key that unlock so many other doors for me in this new environment. Pick, for example, one or two community spaces and go as much as possible. Repetition is your best friend here. Going to the same coffee shop, the same local grocery store, the same gym classes, potter. classes, morning walk, every day, doing those things is how you are going to build community, your community, simply through convenience and exposure. And I know it works. I know this works because I've done it before. When you stay loyal to your routine and your local favorites and your environment favorites, I get location favorites, I should say, you find other people who will do the same and who are already operating on a similar cycle as you, and through simple exposure, you gain closeness. These people may not necessarily become your best friends, but they will become your community. And the value of these low effort daily conversations

with familiar people, the girl in your boxing class, the barista, the man selling the big issue is crucial. These are crucial, even if they're not the most important, because it makes us feel less invisible, especially in big cities where you sometimes feel like, you know, would anybody even notice if I'm missing? This is a nice way to not feel so terrifying, terrifyingly small. On top of that, one further psychological bonus is that this mere exposure effect also does actually help us love the city more, not just the people we encounter, but the city in general. One of the most robust findings in social psychology is that we like people and places more simply because we encounter them repeatedly. Frequency for adjustment matters. That's why your old town,

your old home, your old city felt special. You just spent a lot of time there and you built up your routine and people without perhaps even realizing it. So investing in that now in your new city is going to pay just mass dividends in the future. I think we're now up to like, I think we're up to tip number five. So we're going to move into some more like very specific practical territory. This is something I'm really glad I've done in the past and I continue to do a super practical tip to kind of break things up.

Do not sign a lease. If you have just moved to a new city, do not sign a lease straight away. and do not sign a lease before you move and you see the place. Get an Airbnb. This tip is so important to me. Get an Airbnb or sublet. Stay with friends.

Stay with friends of friends for at least the first couple to few weeks if you can. Here is my justification for this, especially in big cities. Where you live really matters. And not just whether the neighborhood is safe or you like the apartment or people, are friendly, but whether it's close enough to work, how long your commute's going to be, whether it contains people your similar age, whether it's got the amenities you like, the vibes you like, the green spaces you like. There is this panicked instinct we have, and I've certainly had it before, to kind of lock down a place like straight away, because we don't, obviously, we want a

roof over our head. But I really recommend exploring a few neighborhoods and streets and places before you pay all that money for potentially a location you don't like or that it's going to give you a two-hour commute or doesn't suit your needs. I've actually had this happen with a few friends. Just recently they moved overseas in the past few months. My friends, Matt and his wife, Sophia, they moved to Canada and they took over someone's lease before they got there because they were so stressed about finding a place. And like they are almost an hour and a half from where they were. and from where all their friends live and from live music venues and the cinemas and the bars that they like. And they're stuck in that 12-month contract now.

And I don't blame them. Like, I think they really wanted the security of it. But it's worth the extra money and the reduction in security to really explore before you commit when you first move. Because rent is freaking expensive. And leases are hard to bring. break. Having that two week, three week buffer, I think of it as insurance. It's insurance for the choice you make on the location you live. We did two weeks at an Airbnb in Camden when we first moved to London and like huge shout out to our Airbnb hosts. I don't think they're listening

but because I don't think I'm, they're not my target demographic. But they were so kind. They were like these guys in their like 40s or 50s and they were so welcoming and they gave us so many recommendations and they like we really locked in on seeing as many neighborhoods as possible because we did that. I was so convinced actually to give my own story on this. I was so convinced when we moved to London stupidly. I was like, I want to move to Notting Hill. I know. Probably because I saw the movie but also because I have friends who live there and I was like, Notting Hill is trendy. I want to I want to live in Notting Hill. And then we went and saw a few places there and I was like,

I do not want to live here. This is actually not that great. It's a bit far from everything else. And it's a bit posh, not posh enough for Notting Hill. And that was a great decision. And I would have chosen Notting Hill if we didn't have that buffer. And I would have never felt comfortable living my house in exercise gear or without a full face of makeup. So I'm so glad we did that.

before we wrap up, I have two smaller bonus tips for you guys for before I go. You guys know me. I've got to do my extra credit work for you guys. I've got to give you something a little bit extra. Bonus tip number one. Actually, I think by this stage it's like bonus tip number four. I forgot about the ones before. But bonus tip number one, when you move to a new city,

I actually think it's really important to invest in making your home or your room nice and cozy, even if it costs that little bit extra. And I'm going to explain why. Moving countries, yeah, it's expensive. Visas alone are like a tenth of people's like yearly incomes. But if there is one thing, you're going to spend money on when you get there, making the place you live feel comfortable and feel homely is it as we've been like buying furniture and decorating and doing all that stuff at our new place i keep definitely feeling this sense of like why am i spending money on this why did i buy a rug like why am i why did i buy a lamp why did i buy a nice couch like that's silly we're just going to sell it we're not going to be here for that long and the answer is like it does

feel like it helps it feels like if i'm going to live here and really give it something if i don't feel comfortable I'm going to be gone in six months because I'm going to hate it. I need to feel like my space is safe and comfortable and has my personality involved in it so that I have somewhere to retreat to when things get hard. Otherwise, I'm going to burn out pretty quick and I'm going to feel pretty, you know, disheartened. If you really want to give your city a crack, you can do all the things, but you've got to be invested as well. And you have to make it mentally easier on yourself by making it comfortable. The three things I would actually say to spend money on.

If you are going to spend money when you move to a new city, nice bed sheets and nice towels, a nice lamp or a nice light source, and then a nice picture frame or some nice pictures or some nice art. It does make a big difference. Our final tip of this episode, probably our most important, don't try so hard to recreate your old life

in a new place. No matter how hard you try, it's just never going to be the same. And it's just going to make you more miserable. If there was ever a time to try new things, to reinvent yourself, to force yourself to build different habits, routines, enjoy different things. This is your time.

Like right now, you have a blank slate to be an entirely new person. If you want to be so, if you want to do so, so many people never get that opportunity. And they remain the same version. versions of themselves for their whole lives because they feel caged in by geography and the people they know and their hometown or their home city. This is going to be hard. It's also going to be a freaking great adventure. And I want you to lean in as much as possible to the fresh start and the new beginnings and how you're going to make this different, the person you want to be. And I think it will,

I think all of that, that whole mentality of like, cool, this is going to be tough but I'm going to make the most of it. I'm going to reinvent myself, whatever it is. It makes you feel a little bit more positive and unoptimistic about the future when the hard stuff does come up. Thank you so much for listening. I'm so excited for you if you've just moved or if you are in the process of thinking about moving, even if you're six months down the line, like it's going to get great. It's going to be amazing. It's going to get better. If you have made it to the end of this episode, welcome. Thank you so much for listening so far. I appreciate. that you stayed to the end.

Leave a comment down below. If you've just moved to a new city, where are you living? If you are about to move to a new city, where are you going? If you have a dream city that you want to move to, where is it? And if you've just moved to Sydney by any chance, here is something for your bucket list. If the weather is nice this weekend, go to Redleaf Bay and then get a tasty pastry from breaker blue. That is a freebie tip for people who've maybe just moved to Sydney.

That's something I would have on my bucket. list. So enjoy. Good luck. Make sure you're following us on Instagram. Make sure you are subscribed slash following wherever you are listening right now and that's Apple, Spotify, the IHeart Radio app so that you know when we release new episodes and you can stay in touch. Good luck on your new adventure. I sent some amazing friends and some amazing memories in your near future. I just have a good feeling about it. I can sense it for you. Until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. Thank you for listening. And we will talk very, very soon.

Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you're not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, Listen to learn the hard way on the IHard radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

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