The Psychology of your 20s - 386. 26 lessons I've learnt in 26 years

Episode Date: February 19, 2026

It's my 26th birthday, and I'm in a reflective mood. As I pass the halfway point of my 20s (and this podcast), I'm looking back at some of the lessons I've learnt so far and what I hope I learn in the next four years.  Also, the question people keep asking: will there be a Psychology of your 30s, stay tuned to the end to hear my thoughts!    Watch on Netflix   Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [e-mail]    The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.

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I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people.

Listen to look back at it on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that doesn't. not mean that you need to.

Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Owens, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing.

Greg, a lesbian. Michael Mancini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. I vowed, I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody. I'm Gemma Spike, and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for. our psychology.

Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here. Today, we have a special edition episode. We have my yearly birthday episode. Last year, I think last year we spoke about birthday anxiety and the year before it was like the fear of getting older maybe.

But today we're doing something more classic. And I'm going to talk about the 26 lessons I've learned from the last 26 years of life. Some of these are really practical, others are more psychological, some are really personal, some are just weird. But I went out for dinner with myself the other night and I sat down, I brought my little notebook and I just really reflected on what I've learned. And it was rather emotional. Like, it was, I did have a few tears of the waiters were looking at me weird. I also did have a few martini. So two of those things could have contributed to each other. but this last year has just been so mind-blowing.

It's just been the biggest year of my life. My book came out, the podcast on Netflix, moving to London. Those are just the headlines. And it's like kind of hard to process sometimes. And I'm so grateful and I was just really reflecting on the lessons that I've gained, both in the last year, but before any of this happened, before I was even in my 20s when I was 17, 16, yeah, 21, things that have stopped me as well from from all those experiences and it was actually really

therapeutic to just like sit down and put them on a page so if you have a birthday coming up I would actually really really encourage you to do this and just to reflect on the lesson one lesson from every year from the past however many years of your life it can get pretty emotional but I want to share them with you guys today so without further ado let's get into it okay let's begin with lesson number one. Lesson number one, this is the most important one, I think. Every year you will realize more and more how young you actually are. I remember turning 20 and being like, it is the beginning of the end for me, which is ridiculous.

It's ludicrous. Like, I'd only been an adult for like two years at that point. But it just felt like time was already starting to crush me and move very full. fast. And, you know, then 21 came around. I felt the same way. Then 22, 23, and I felt a little bit less. And it's become a little bit less intense. It was definitely still there last year. But now at 26, I feel so young. I feel my age. And I feel my youth so clearly. And I also know I just guess based on experience, it just keeps getting better and it keeps getting different. I've also stopped joking with my friends that I'm still 22. I used to do that and I was like, you know what?

No, I'm excited about aging. You know, that term youth is wasted on the young? I think that's what they're referring to here. Like, honestly, when you're young, you obsess over not being the age you were the year before and we obsess over getting older, not realizing how much time we're wasting in the prime of our lives thinking about aging. We think 30 years old and we think 50 years old and we think 50 or 60 years old when those are prime years. Like we've got so much to look forward to. And that has been a huge blessing from my 26th year. Like I feel my age and my age is young. Whatever my fears and whatever the fearmongering of society wants to tell me that I'm, I'm like seconds from death is like ridiculous. And I think that's been a very important lesson. Secondly, it is impossible to waste time.

I don't know where this idea came from of like, I'm wasting my 20s. I'm wasting my time. It's like disappearing from right underneath me. Let's be clear here. Time is not something you can spoil. It's not something you can misuse. Like it's not a bag of spinach that you left in the back of the fridge. As long as you are having an experience, every moment is contributing to your story.

Even the time that you spent waiting and the time that you feel like life isn't moving fast enough. Time is a human construct. We have to remember. There are days that feel like years and there are years that feel like days and days where life is completely going to change all at once and it's just going to feel like everything has just happened in that moment. And I used to get so panicked that I wasn't allocating my time well enough. And obviously a big part of that was like a deep fear of regret as well that I was missing out. But now I know that as long as I'm doing something, anything with my life, even if other people don't understand it or see the meaning in it, time is being well spent. And those experiences in themselves, even if they're not exactly

the ones I want to be having, they are really, really valuable. Okay, let's do a little trifecta of lessons here, a three for one deal. Fight with your friends, forgive your friends. We recognize that sometimes you are the asshole. Let's start with number one. Fight with your friends. I said this in our is friendship meant to be an inconvenient episode, but you deserve friends who are willing to fight with you and to really like get it all out in the open with you. Friends are people that you have no reason to fight with. Good friends are those you want to avoid fighting with. Best friends, great friends are those that you will go toe to toe with. That is

how you know that they're on that next level. Conflict is uncomfortable. It's not as uncomfortable as losing somebody and not being able to have them in your life in the future. Part of that is also number two, forgive your friends, right? Obviously there is

a level where you probably can't, but I lost a lot of friends in my early 20s over stupid mistakes that I couldn't forgive people for and I would have made those same mistakes as well. And I regret it all the time. I wish I'd had the foresight to realize, like, wow, that was really small and minuscule. And those problems, like, that's nothing. But the damage had already been done, yeah, by them, but also by me, because I couldn't forgive. And I didn't feel like I could go back and say, hey, maybe I was wrong because I was so, like, headstrong in my

judgments. Now, I definitely have a much more, a broader forgiveness policy, which is sometimes less than healthy. I feel like sometimes I do let people get away with things, but I just like to see the good in people, and I think that's important. Most people aren't malicious. Most people are just careless, and a lot of their actions are forgivable if you remove your ego from it and see that, I don't know, I guess not everything is about you. Okay, number four, sometimes you are the asshole. recognize that you are the asshole. And you have to stop looking for reassurance and stop telling the story

30, 40, 50 different ways so that it makes you seem like you weren't the villain and that you were the good guy and spinning the situation so that you can feel in the clear. You weren't the good guy. You know you weren't the good guy. The next best thing you can do is to admit you screwed up and be better.

I feel like there is so much ego protection going on in these situations where all we want to do is survive with our identity intact and we want to survive feeling like we are a good person. And the thing that good people do is that they admit when they were wrong. And they aren't just aware that other people make mistakes. They're aware that they make mistakes as well. And that's just a part of life. And holding it against yourself too tightly and too strongly actually means that you can never admit it. You can never admit that you have done something wrong because that in itself would injure your ego and injure your self-esteem so gravely that it's easier just to pretend and to convince yourself

that you're always in the right. And you're not. Sometimes you're in the wrong. And life gets a lot easier when you are able to admit that, especially in friendships, especially in relationships in general. Okay, I kind of like this trifecta thing. So speaking of relationships, let's do one more, like three for one deal. I have one specific relationship that there was one specific relationship in my 20s that informed so many of the lessons that I have on love. So I'm going to thank him and say sincerely, I hope you're doing well. But these tips all came from this and I think they're so valuable.

Don't get into a relationship right after a breakup. Just because you're thinking about someone doesn't mean they're the one. And allow yourself to get mad at the people who break your heart. and equally stand up for yourself when you're not being treated right. So I want to start with this first one. Don't get into a relationship straight after a breakup. I feel like a lot of you guys can relate. Everybody has to make this mistake at some point.

I think it is in many ways a little bit of a ride of passage. But I did this and I remember being like, oh no, I'm totally healed. I'm totally fine. I'm totally ready for this. And that's just absolute nonsense. Like I had not processed a single thing and getting into a new relationship was just an excellent form of avoidance

that looked like the opposite. Like it looked like moving on because it was the thing that was the most obvious form of moving on. But I was just finding myself in the same conditions and the same, yeah, the same conditions of feeling cared for, this guy I don't think he really cared for me, but feeling affection and thinking that that was like going to make my life better, the thing is is that you'll have all this unresolved stuff that is going to come out in that relationship

that is going to just mean that by the end of it, you're processing two heartbreaks on top of each other because you've never processed the one before. When this relationship inevitably ends, everything comes to the surface. Everything from both those situations becomes just like so apparent. and it's going to hurt. I say it's a lesson. Would I do it again? I would.

I do think that it was really valuable, and it was very valuable in getting me to where I am now. Both of those breakups are a big part of like the history of the psychology of your 20s. That second part of that trifecta, just because you're thinking about somebody doesn't mean they're the one. I feel like there were so many times where I would have a dream about somebody I used to be with or their name or the thought of them would pop into my head, and I would read so heavily into it that it would dictate my behavior.

And understanding the psychology now that I didn't back then, I know that it's just my brain, and that was my brain, trying to figure out where to put those memories, and trying to figure out where to place that person. Back then, I thought every dream, every thought, every thing that reminded me of somebody was a sign that this was destiny and we were meant to be together,

now I just realize it's just a coincidence. So if you're having those thoughts right now of like, oh my God, maybe they were the one, you think about a million different things every single day. This is just another one of those thoughts. It's your choice whether you read into it or whether you move past it. And my final point in this trifector of like semi-relationship advice. And to be honest, I don't know if it's good, but it's just the lessons I've learned. allow yourself to get mad after a breakup and allow yourself to really say what you need to say

to stand up for yourself. I was having this conversation with my friend the other day who's recently ended a relationship or somebody has ended a relationship with her in a very unfair and cruel fashion. And she was like, do I say something? Do I reach out to him? And I said to her, and I'm being totally honest, if there is something that you wish you had said or still want to say, you should say it. And you should allow yourself to get angry because a lesson I've learned from having done that and not having done that in certain situations is that when there are things left unsaid, whether those are good or bad, you're always going to come back to it and linger on it.

So if there is something like really heavy on your heart and somebody has really hurt you, they're allowed to feel that pain. you don't have to be the only one who carries what you've experienced. And if there is an opportunity for that kind of closure, I don't know if it's the healthiest thing in the world. I still think that you should take it because I think there is some healing and just saying your peace about how somebody has hurt you. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%.

I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more, to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardship. and you will come out on the other side

a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO%. On the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people.

I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84's big to me, not just because of crack.

I'm down to talk about crack all day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah.

For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Trip Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we

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as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, learn the hard way. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search, learn the hard way and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd

found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistency. in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so-ins, correct? I doctored the test once. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected.

They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Gillespie and Michael Marincini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences.

Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends.

I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no.

I vowed. I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, I feel like we need a lighthearted one after that. I feel like that was very intense.

So number nine, practice some magic and don't neglect your spiritual practices. long-term listeners know that I had some really, let's say, intense experiences with the church in my teen years. I used to be very religious, used to be a big fan of Jesus. But after like some kind of poor encounters with some people, I kind of dropped away and lost belief. And that actually created a lot of emptiness. I think as humans, it's important we believe in something. and after 26 years, I feel like I now know that having spiritual practices and having a spiritual routine is just as important to me as having an exercise routine or having a budgeting routine

or a social life. Without it, I slip. I slip fast. So I really think that it's important that whether you are part of a religion or you're not, whether you're spiritual or not, you do have some kind of practices that unite you to something bigger. and unite you to others and allow you to see the thread that pulls of those experiences together. Some of the things that I do is I still sing worship songs sometimes. Like, I just, I like to sing. And honestly, worship music is amazing. Don't obviously believe everything that they're talking about.

But it's amazing. And I think that having that, like, musical connections is important. I also like to practice picking one person who has annoyed me or frustrated me, like, once a week. and I like to think as many good things about that person as possible and wish everything good comes true for them and I like to imagine like a bubble coming out of me and surrounding them with positivity. I don't know, that's a really spiritual practice for me that keeps me grounded.

Something my church did as well that I still do, even though I don't believe in those, believe in it anymore, is when you get paid before you spend, you have to give back to others first. Or when you get served, you have to give the first piece of meat to somebody else first. I know like in the Mormon church, for example, they encourage people to give 10% of their earnings.

Some pagan traditions also have a similar thing of like serving others first or giving to others before you give to yourself. That's important for me, especially given the state of the world right now. And just having a good gratitude practice is so essential. Like hold tight to that stuff. That's a big lesson. You need it. You need spiritual practices to make you feel nourished. Similar to this, when you are feeling terrible about the world, be kind to small creatures. This is such an important lesson. Again, with the state of the world right now, it's very easy to feel very despondent, duh, it's very easy to feel terrible about the world. I like to imagine that humanity is this big experiment and there is this higher power who is judging our experiment on whether it was good or bad and whether humanity

is succeeding or failing. And it's my job every single day to do something that proves the experiment is working and to do something that proves the hypothesis that humanity is good. And there is, it's going to sound a bit, a bit weird, but I imagine that there is this like tiny telescope or like microscope on me and they are watching me positively interact or watching people positively interact with each other and checking it down as evidence that people are good and taking care of small creatures honoring their lives appreciating them is a way that I do that like life is hard for little for little things life is hard for small creatures and sometimes knowing that like you know not just killing the answer that are in my house

or not just killing the fly that's in my car or stopping for birds or saving a pigeon or something like that knowing that like I have kindness for them makes me feel like a higher power will have kindness for me and I don't know it just it makes me feel connected to what's around me that's an important lesson lesson number 11 if there is an opportunity to go to the beach you should always go the older you get, the more you realize the healing power of water and the healing power of nature. It's called the Lassar therapy. I'm a big proponent and I'm going to say nothing more about that lesson. I feel like that one's pretty obvious.

Lesson number 12, work hard at something even if it feels meaningless, whatever it is. Typically, I feel like we save all of our hard work for others. I honestly think we save all of our hard work for our boss, for our parents, for our co-workers, for people we want to impress. Save some of that hard work for you and use it for things that feel personally meaningful. There is so much good that comes from working hard, even if at the time it seems like there's no point or like nothing is going to come from it. Working hard on a novel, no one's going to read. Working hard on improving your running even though you never going to be a professional. Working hard on perfecting a recipe just for yourself or whatever it is,

so much personal reward for me has come from the joy I've just found from working hard for things that I care about and at the time, which is fun, but you never know where it's going to take you. This podcast is a great example. Like, I didn't know this is going to happen. I just liked working hard at it. And I just have a deep belief that the universe or the forces that be reward hard work and like to see passion. And so when it sees somebody working hard, proving that they will work hard in the future for no reward, just for joy and personal pursuit and personal passion, good things come to those people because of those practices. It is a reward in itself to care. But I also feel like when you put yourself in the place where you do care, people like to see other people who care.

And they like to see people who are passionate about something and you'll find that opportunities come so much more naturally to you. People rally around you when, yeah, when there's something bigger than you that you're invested in and that you're willing to work hard for. So if there's not something in your life right now that you are working hard for, even if it's only working hard for 20 minutes a week, I really think your life would benefit from finding something that you want to give that time to. Okay, number 13, lesson 13, this is a lesson that I didn't want to look. I was hesitant to learn, but it was too obvious to ignore. You are always going to feel better if you don't go on your phone first thing in the morning. Why did this take me so long to learn?

I don't know. Obviously our phones are addictive. That feels like a cop out. that feels like an excuse. There's all this buzz around like going analog and the digital detox and being social media free and offline activities. And having like really tried to be in that space, it is really incredible. But if that feels too big, I feel like this is the simplest thing.

You know, I tried to do the flip phone on weekends. I tried to give myself social media boundaries. It worked for a while. I think I went too big with it. This is a great starting point. Just not going on your phone first thing in the morning will change the course of your entire day. Because the moment you put that phone in front of your face, it's like you're immediately like sucked into someone else's world. You're immediately, I guess a little bit brain dead, to be honest.

And I'm saying this is somebody who still does it occasionally. It's like if that's the first thing you look at, how. you were expected to then go forward with the rest of your day being curious or being entertained by the smaller things or noticing things when it's like it's like you're hooked up to this like ivy drip of entertainment so give yourself at least 20 30 minutes to just experience being alive without a phone and without this thing that contains the entire world inside of it um yeah at least first thing in the morning I think you will notice a difference. I definitely did.

Okay, so lesson number 14, another really important one, but a little bit more serious. Stop trying to be them. Whoever them is to you, it doesn't matter. Whether it's a celebrity, a friend, a nemesis, a parent, like, you will never be successful when the goal is imitation. and you will drive yourself mad, trying to correct and police and mould yourself into an identity that doesn't come naturally because it's not yours. I did this for ages. I was so easily influenced because I guess there's just something really alluring about people who seem to know themselves and who have an identity or who have a brand, who have a distinct thing to them that's attractive when I didn't have that. guess what? By trying to imitate them, by trying to be them, I actually knew myself less

because I would constantly compare the beginning of my own new self and my own identity to their complete one. Guys, it's so cliche, I know, but I fully believe, I fully believe there is a unique version of us. We are all here to be a unique avatar and we are all meant to be individual and we're meant to grow in a specific way and we are meant to exist in a specific form and live a specific life and imitation is one of the main things that's going to block us and that's going to stop us from living out our mission and living out our identity and living out our role in the world and I know this episode is getting so woo-woo but just notice it in yourself there is there isn't an identity there is

a version of you that you're, you just feel constantly drawn to and drawn back to and drawn into and it's like such a powerful force. Stop trying to suppress that. Stop putting imitation in between you and that version of you. That new version of you. Okay, lesson number 15. Sometimes you are the bad day and you need to call yourself on it. This is probably the most recent lesson on the list. probably a lesson I only learned a couple of weeks ago if I'm being completely honest um

hill the day I just had I said this terrible day the other day and my boyfriend was snoring I love him but I don't know what he like turned 27 and suddenly like nasal congestion is his middle name

I love you Tom but hopefully he doesn't hear that but he was snoring and so I had a really bad night's sleep and then I went to like transfer money onto my UK card and it wasn't working. And then I went and got a bagel at the, like, the corner store and my bagel, like, fell apart on the street. And this, like, little dog came up and, like, ate tuna from my tuna bagel, like, from where it was

on the floor. And then I went to meet my friend, and I was running late, and I couldn't get a line bike. And then when I got a line bike, it was broken. And I was like, this day just sucks. And I was in such a terrible mood. And I was so angry. I was like, what did I do to deserve this? Like, this is just such a terrible day. And then I was like, yeah, but I'm being the bad day. Like, all those things are annoying. But what's really the problem here?

Oh, like, how terrible. The man that I love, who loves me, who is like the most glorious, beautiful person I've ever met, like, he snores, and that disturbs my sleep. And, like, oh, I have enough money in my bank account to transfer it onto my British card because I had enough privilege to move overseas. And, oh, the bagel that I could. afford getting it takeaway rather than having to make it at home fell on the street and this I got to meet a dog who was eating my bagel and like oh my friends I've my friend who has made plans with me I'm late to and like where was me and I was just like I'm the bad day right now like I'm reading way too much into this and I am investing too much in my identity here as a victim when actually like

all of those things that I've experienced that I thought were like the worst things that it were going to happen to me that day are just like privileges and just wonderful things that I don't know people would kill to have those inconveniences so just recognize when you're ruining your own day and just try and pull yourself out of it number 16 another quick one take your medications regularly and are scheduled and that goes for antibiotics antidepressants panadol pain relief anything prescribed to you by a doctor doctor, listen to them. And bonus, 16.2, just go to the dentist. Go to the dentist. You know you need to. I put up going to the dentist for six years, and I'm ashamed to admit that. But it's because

the last time I went, it really hurt. And I was really scared. And guess what? Guess what that got me? When I went last year, seven fillings, $3,000 worth of dental work that could have been avoided. If I just went more regularly, the older you get, the more you get, the more you. you stop taking your health for granted and the more you realize that there are people who train for many, many years to be experts in this and to know what they're doing, um, listen to them and take care of yourself. Take your meds are scheduled, go to the dentist. 17. When somebody is mean to you or short with you, the best defense and the only defense that will work in your favor is to be disgustingly kind back. And I learned this.

through trial and error. But when people were like used to be mean to me or you know when people make those slight jabs like they're trying to get under your skin and they think you don't notice and they're trying to like bring you down a peg, I used to get quite, I wouldn't say mad, but I would just, I would have a certain reaction. Like I would either avoid them or like I would try and be smart back or I would like try and make other people realize what kind of person they were. And then I just realize the best thing that you can do. And I talked about this in our episode on how to not take things personally. It's just to be so nice and so kind and so generous and so forgiving with them that they have like no choice but just to have this mirror placed in front of them that makes them

directly see how weird and gross and terrible their behavior is. This doesn't mean permissive. I don't mean you have to continue to let them in your life. and continue to let them walk all over you and continue to give in to them. Be kind, be nice, still set boundaries, but it is genuinely like one of the most powerful things that we can do psychologically to just cut someone's cruelty off and to just essentially stop them from, yeah, thinking that they can treat you that way and thinking that their behavior isn't a problem. number 18

you don't need to help everybody I know that like a lot of these tips have been like be kind be generous be nice forgive be good friend somebody some people just don't deserve that some people just don't deserve your help and part of being a good friend

part of being a good member of the village member of the tribe the community that you're in is knowing that you can't give everybody everything that you have have. And that one of the most generous things that you can do is to take care of yourself first so that you can show up for the people who really deserve you, rather than doing favors for everybody, you know, putting yourself out there for everybody, saying yes to everybody,

to the point of exhaustion. And when the time really comes to be there for those who would do the same things back for you, being so burnt out that you're not able to do that. And I feel like this is a very specific lesson that you learn in specific circumstances, especially if you are very hyper-independent, especially if you are an eldest daughter or an eldest daughter, high achiever type. Eventually you learn that there are some people who just don't need your help, not because they don't deserve help from anybody, but because you and your energy and your time is a precious resource. Similar to this is lesson number 19. Trust your gut when to say no, when to not go to the party. when to not help your friend with some crazy idea they have.

Obviously, like, you want to be a good friend and you want to give back, but there are just some things where you're allowed to just be like, I don't have time for that. And especially when it's for people who would never do the same thing for you in return and who you resent constantly for not returning the favour, that is a sign that, like, they're taking advantage. And it's okay to just, it's okay to just take a step back. and to not give them everything you've got and to say no.

2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers and other health and fitness experts and more to look past the impractical and way too. complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry.

We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's T-W-O-Persent on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs?

Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do with Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam Jett. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84's big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack.

So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. Yes. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history.

Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you Get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, learn the hard way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist, Kear Games. And in recognition of mental health awareness month,

I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark.

Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing. And we're still chasing it. And we don't know when we've done enough, Because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses.

Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth, or are you a good person because you're afraid? Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person.

Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose on my new podcast, learn the hard way. Open your free, our heart radio app. Search learning a hard way and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal.

The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so much, correct? I doctored the test once. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern.

Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, the lesbian, Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County

as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until Justice. served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. There's two golden rules that any man should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes.

And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that, trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield. And in this new season of the girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man. A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me?

The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed. I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe.

On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Lesson number 20, you do actually feel better when you exercise more and drink less, which sucks. See, I like alcohol. I like, I like alcohol. I do. I like alcohol. I also, I like exercising. But I wish I didn't have to do them as much as I do. Or I wish, I wish that, like, I could go to the gym like once a week and drink every night and feel amazing. And it's just not how your body is, right? When I was definitely, when I was younger, when I was like 17, 18, 19, and I was at university, I would, like, we would, like, binge drinking. We were, like, drinking every single night.

And nobody was blinking an eye. And we would, like, go on, like, one 5K run or, like, play some, like, frisbee once a week. And I remember being like, oh, why do I feel so tired? And, like, why am I exhausted all the time? And why do I feel disgusting? and then slowly, like, as those habits became more and more difficult to maintain and more repulsive, and you start adding some exercise back in and you start realizing that drinking every, drinking on a Monday with your powers is probably not healthy.

I was like, wow, I actually feel better. And my habits are a reflection of like the quality of life that I want and how I want to live my life. So that's definitely been an important lesson, one that I wish wasn't true. But unfortunately is you do feel a lot better to go on a completely different direction here, lesson 21, wait 24 hours before making an impulse purchase. I feel like these are all tips of just like learning impulse control and learning what it means to be healthy, financially, emotionally, physically. I had a real impulse shopping problem when I was probably like 22, 23 in my early 20s when I first got like a proper job. And I would just buy the most ridiculous stuff because I would

see it, think I needed it. And because I now had access to adult money, I could just buy it. And genuinely, like, I think about how much money I wasted on multiple pairs of black jeans or just like, silly things that nobody needs. Now, this was the best thing I did for all the impulse shopping tips that you may get for all the budgeting tips. If there is something I want and I feel like I immediately need it, 24 hours, 24 hours before I can make the decision. And I think I've spoken about this before.

I have a list of my phone. Often by the time I get to that 24-hour mark, I've forgotten about it. and like the haze of like the emotional pull of dopamine of buying something and getting it delivered and like that kind of fades a little bit and I can kind of self-regulate. I also feel like impulse dropping, drinking, saying yes to everybody, those last three tips, often those are forms of avoidance. I've definitely found that. And so learning how to regulate your emotions without those things, the older you get,

the more important that becomes. Lesson 22, talk to your siblings more. Honestly, I found that because me and my sisters had such an age difference and because I moved out when they were so young, like, I think they were like 12 and 10, like they were still children. I don't even have like memories from when I was 10. I just didn't form the relationship with them that they form with each other. And I was very, very jealous of that for a long time. And it definitely was reflected in like my relationship with them where I would, I just felt very left out.

And that felt weak because I was the older, I was the older sibling. Like, I meant to be the cool one and I would go back and they wouldn't really want anything to do with me. And for a couple of years, I was like, well, fine. I'm just going to hang out with my friends. And I didn't really have a relationship with my sisters. And then I think last year, I really started seeing them more. started realizing what an important relationship the sibling relationship is and how they are just like an inbuilt, amazing, cool best friend. And just the, you just relate to them on such a beautiful,

simplistic, carefree level. And I think I started to really appreciate like my sister's personalities. And all the things about them that are so cool and that I love. And now I talk to them all the time. and that has been a huge, huge blessing for me and like just a huge, a huge gain in the past year. So if I was to go back three years, I'd be like, freaking call them, call them on the weekends, like text them, have a relationship. I regret not investing in that sooner and I feel like I missed a lot of their teen years trying to figure out my late teen years and my early 20s and being really sad. selfish with it. And now I feel like I've orbited back around right as they are orbiting out. And I

just hope that our relationship stays strong within that because it is just such a beautiful, one-of-a-kind, special relationship. Lesson 23. Celebrate yourself. Don't be afraid to make a big deal out of the things that you're proud of, even if nobody else is going to do it for you. Throw the birthday party for yourself. Organize the dinner with your friends for your job promotion. Make a big deal out of what feels like a big deal for you. Think of my children we're so used to our parents being so in our business or like our school or whatever it is like a mentor, aunts, grandparents, celebrating us. And then you get older and you realize like sometimes you've got to do that for yourself. And people want an excuse to party. People want an excuse to be excited

for you. I would always feel a little bit cringe being like, oh, I'm going to plan like a birthday party or like I'm going to play like I want to celebrate this and I and now I don't feel any shame about it and having that space to invite people into my memories and knowing that I'm going to look back at those really cool things and they're going to be in those memories with me that is so important and that is so valuable and I just feel like celebrating yourself we don't do it enough and we don't make a big deal out of what a pleasure and a surprise and a beautiful thing it is to be alive and the fact that We work really hard and we do really cool things, things that younger you could not have imagined you doing.

You are allowed to just be your biggest fan and your biggest cheerleader and make the space for other people to enter into that with you if they want to. And if they don't, that's okay. You get more cake. You get more champagne. You get more flowers. Make sure you make your big moments big for yourself. Lesson 24.

You can truly DIY your dream life. If you just commit to learning how to do things for yourself and learning how to do them badly, then a bit better than good, then amazingly. This is like the hack. This is the life hack that everybody needs to know. If you want to do something, oh my God, this sounds stupid now that I'm saying it, but if you want to do something, you should just do it. And you should just do it as simply and easily as you can possibly do at that point and then get better.

everybody I know who is really successful and who I really admire and who I now get to call my friends just went into it with this like do it myself attitude of being like nobody's going to hand this to me nobody's going to give me the keys to the life I want nobody's going to build the home I want for myself or the career I want for myself I have to do it myself and I have to like be in those meetings and I have to be in those emails called emailing somebody to see if they have an opportunity for me and I need to be creating my own product, creating my own business, creating my own podcast, and the universe will reward that. And I think it's similar to that previous tip of like do things just for the sake of it, experience hard effort just because hard effort is enjoyable for you

when you're doing something you care about. This is very similar to this. When you truly realize that you can DIY, do it yourself, make it from scratch your dream life in the most rudimentary way possible in whatever, using whatever tools you have possible, your life seriously changes. And I, I don't like bragging, but I do feel like there's points in my, like my life is kind of evidence of that where, I don't know, I just didn't see a job for me. I didn't see a system that I enjoyed. And I was like, okay, well, I'll just make it myself. And if it works out, great, amazing. Obviously, that's what I want. And if it doesn't, at least I can say that I did it. At least I know that the opportunity wasn't out there waiting for me to arrive, waiting. Waiting.

for me to get to the point where I was ready. Lesson 25, I actually think this one should have been before, but I'm sneaking it in at the end. 25, not every person you date is your soulmate. And it doesn't mean the relationship wasn't worthwhile. Additionally, when you are in your 20s, date as much as possible. I feel like I've learned this both through myself and through other people I've seen who have dated one person and been like, okay, cool, that seems like good enough. And then seven, eight years later, I've been like, oh, my God, I actually never got to experience what else was out there.

And I know not everybody agrees with this and people have different, you know, perspectives on it. But as much as my heart was broken many times, and I was literally reflecting on this the other day, like, all these guys I completely forgot about it. And as much as like it really hurt to be hurt by them and to be rejected by them, I'm so glad I did it.

and they all taught me important lessons. And every single relationship that I've had, even the ones that were a disaster, have been worthwhile because they brought me experiences that I otherwise would have had a lot of what-ifs swirling around. I know, again, I feel weird saying this because I know people might take it the wrong way of like just date for the sake of dating

and like use other people for experience. No, I'm just saying put yourself out there and even if you're not entirely sure if this person is or isn't the one, give them a chance, have fun, experience each other, experience life together, even if that's for two weeks, two years, 20 years, and take the experiences you can get from really caring about somebody else, really having important memories with them, even if you know it's not going to be forever. I have two final lessons, a silly one and a serious one. let's start with this only one

dye your hair at least once in your life try a weird hairstyle even if you think slash no that it's going to be ugly I cannot recommend this enough I have dyed my hair black that was a terrible decision I have dyed my I've bleached my hair more times than I can think of

and it was often related to how I was emotionally doing at that point But like I have just done the craziest stupidest things to my hair. And I think, I don't know, I think it's fun. And I think it's like a broader metaphor for like just being willing to try anything once in life and just to give it just to give it a go. It's a great reflection of that. And I think if you haven't done it, you've got to do it. And when I did it last, I haven't dyed my hair for a while, but I dyed my hair black in like 2023.

I'm blonde. It was a terrible decision. I really look terrible. Like I'm glad nobody said something, but I really, slash, I'm not glad. I'm still on the fence as to whether somebody should have pulled me aside and be like, this is not the color for you. But there's just like this unique beauty

and like this unique feeling of looking back at those photos and being like, God, that was a terrible hair color. God, that was like an awful style. But I'm so glad. I'm so glad that I did it. I'm so glad that I gave it a shot and now when I have kids, hopefully I can be like, yeah, that was the year of this. So that was the year of that.

And it just feels like hairstyle and that expression. And doing everything once is really tied to a good story. And it's tied to having good memories and having that kind of freeful openness to life that feels more and more worthwhile every single year. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter, and on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more,

to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the real. result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tap Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people.

I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do? little Kim. Well, you can find out on the Look Back at it podcast. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but yeah, yeah, literally. But just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS.

on the table right now. Thank you for finishing that sentence. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Really? Yeah. For me, it's one of the most important years for black people in American history. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to my new podcast, Learn the Hard Way with me, your host, and your favorite therapist,

Kear Games. And in recognition of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm bringing over a decade of my own experience in the mental health field and conversations with so many incredible guests. I'm talking. Tripp Fontaine, Ryan Clark. Sometimes when we're in the pursuit of the thing, we get so wrapped up in the chase

that we don't realize that we are in possession of the thing and we're still chasing it and we don't know when we've done enough because people scoreboard watch. Life becomes about wins and losses. Steve Burns, Dustin Ross, because you find it important to be a good person while you hear on earth?

Are you a good person because you're afraid Because that's two different intentions, bro. Absolutely. And that's two different levels of trust. I want you to just really be a good person. Join me, Kear Gaines, as we have real conversations about healing, growth, fatherhood, pressure, and purpose

on my new podcast, Learn the Hardway. Open your free, Our Heart Radio app. Search Learn the Hardway and listen now. In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story.

This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so-ins, correct? I doctored the test once. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing.

Greg, a lesbian, Michael Marantini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

There's two golden rules that any man. should live by. Rule one, never mess with a country girl. You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes. And rule two, never mess with her friends either. We always say that trust your girlfriends. I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of the girlfriends, Oh my God, this is the same man.

A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist. I felt like I got hit by a truck. I thought, how could this happen to me? The cops didn't seem to care. So they take matters into their own hands. I said, oh, hell no. I vowed I will be his last target. He's going to get what he deserves.

Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe. On the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So I'm realizing I'm actually going to finish on Lesson 27, which is one more than I promised to you, but I think this is my... hopeful takeaway from next year and the thing I'm currently learning, which is you don't have

to suffer. And I know that that's really, it's very serious compared to our last lesson. But I think I just spent way too long thinking that how my brain was and how my life was was something I couldn't change. And the things I kept doing that were honestly self-sabotaging and that were causing me more pain than they should have and that were making me unhealthy and unhappy

like I felt so imprisoned by them because that's how I'd always done things and I'm just realizing more and more like my life doesn't have to be bad. I don't have to suffer more than what I'm already going to naturally suffer just by being alive. And I have a choice in a lot of that.

I have a choice to go to therapy. I have a choice to get on medication. I have a choice to change my mindset, to have healthier habits. I have a choice to prioritize and deprioritize and deprioritize relationships and certain things in my life that are making my life harder. And I just felt for so long,

like everything was just being handed to me, and I had to accept it. And maybe the biggest lesson from my 26th year, and hopefully again, my 27th year is that that is not true. And I can opt out of the circumstances and the things and the patterns of behavior that are making me suffer and that I don't want anymore. And it's hard and it's difficult and I definitely make a lot of excuses. But I'm at this point where I'm like, I want to live a life of ease.

and I want to live a life of being as carefree and stress-free as possible, not as busy and successful and brash and loud as possible. And I just think that's been a huge, massive priority change, and maybe that's a lesson that you're learning as well, or that's a lesson that you need to hear. You don't have to suffer. You don't have to suffer more than life is going to make you suffer. Those are my 26, 27 lessons from

26 years. I hope that they've, I don't know, taught you something that you've related to them. Maybe it's validated an experience that you're having. If you're listening on Spotify and you have made it this far, I want to know. Give me a lesson that you have learned in the past year, past six months that wasn't on this list that you think other people could learn from. I feel like every year there's this new knowledge popping into my mind and I have definitely forgotten things that were important lessons, but I'd love to hear from you guys, and I'd love to hear your experience. Make sure that you are subscribed, following, wherever you are listening. If you were in the US or Canada, you can listen to this episode on Netflix. Actually, should I say,

you can watch this episode on Netflix. I'm so used to saying, listen, but you can watch on Netflix, and I would love it if you did so. Make sure that you are as well following us on Instagram, and thank you for listening to this episode and for being a massive part of the last five years of my life. Almost all of my 20s. I don't know. I'm getting closer to 30. I have to decide if I'm going to do the psychology of your 30s or what's going to happen. So I guess time will tell.

But be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is all. Also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness,

fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO%. On the I-Hart Radio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at a podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it.

With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all?

listening to learn the hard way with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins.

But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Owens, correct? I doctored the test once. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian. Michael Marincini. My mind was blown.

I'm Stephanie Young. This is love trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owen's, finally faces consequences. Listen to a love-trapped podcast on the IHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist,

they take matters into their own hands. I vowed, I will be his last target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriend. Trust me, babe, on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast, guaranteed human.