The Psychology of your 20s - 41. Situationships - boundaries, vulnerability and wanting more

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

This week we discuss the tricky topic of situationships in our 20’s - the grey space between casual and committed. How do we establish good boundaries in these relationships or avoid them to begin with? And when do we know it’s over?See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hello and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, podcast where we talk through some of the big changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello, everyone. Welcome back for another episode. And if you're new here, welcome. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the podcast. It has been a crazy week. big week, just been working my little butt off. But a really nice surprise was that we reached 200 or so when I'm recording this 200 ratings on Spotify, which was such a lovely surprise to see. So as always, thank you to those who feel called to leave a review, leave a five-star review

on the platform that you're listening. It really helps. the podcast grow and it really makes my day when I, you know, check on it and see that there is an audience out there of people who are listening because often it's just me and my bed and in my room doing this by myself. So yeah, I just wanted to say before we get into this episode, just thank you for all the support. But with that aside, I also want to thank one of my wonderful listeners who reached out on Instagram to prompt this episode from me. I have been thinking about doing an episode about this topic. For a while, I think it's really, really pertinent to our 20s.

I'd even written a script a while back at the start of the year when I was going through one of these situations of my own. But I think it needed some time before I wanted to talk about it on the pod and to do my research with a logical, psychological spin on it, not an emotional perspective. And I think that time has come. So thank you to that person who reached out and was like, I want to hear about this. We want to hear about this. Because I was feeling a little bit nervous and shy about talking about something sensitive like this, something that I've been through. So hopefully it brings you some enjoyment, brings you some wisdom without further ado. Today we are going to be talking about

situationships are seemingly inexcapable part of the dating landscape and the dating scene in our 20s. I think are universally different and misunderstood and confusing and in my opinion to be avoided at all costs if you're the type of person that I am. So if you are currently in a situation ship or think that you might be or you're struggling to get over one, I understand this episode is for you. I've been there, done that a few times actually. you think that I would have learnt my lesson by now. But from that, I do have, you know, a little bit of maybe wisdom and a new view on romance to give to you all if you want to hear it.

I will say my opinion on situationships is not really pro. It's not a positive opinion. But I do know that some people, when we're figuring out our dating goals, they can be a good option for some of you out there. No strings to attach, but, you know, you still get the company and sometimes the affection. but I'm coming at it from an angle of if you are in a situation and you don't want to be there anymore and what you have with someone isn't satisfying you or your emotional leads. What I want to talk about is how do you manage to navigate that situation, establish good

boundaries, know when to leave when the situation has become moldy and outdated and stagnant and is way past its use by date or it's good by date. Perhaps even when it becomes toxic for you. you emotionally and also how do we avoid them in the first place so that we don't kind of have these dilemmas if you're someone who isn't you know really happy being in that weird casual space you'd either just be completely you know nothing or you would want a relationship for someone or from someone how as an individual who knows that about themselves do you navigate the situation so we're going to cover all of that and of course some of the psychology

behind why situationships can be so empty and difficult and why you might be finding yourself kind of in a cycle, unable to stay completely casual in your dating life, but also unable to progress your relationships to the point where they are exactly that. They're relationships which hopefully have loyalty and trust, compassion and commitment and of course respect. So let's get into it because as I'm sure you've gathered, we have a lot to talk about and I have a lot to share. Okay, so as we always do in these episodes, let's start with the objective facts and some of the background information about our topic of the week about situationships. So what is this? What is this term? It has become, I think, someone of a new term in the last four or five years, part of our shared language. Even my mom knows what this means now, but for those of you who don't or who might have another name for it, essentially a situationhip is a romantic or sexual relationship that's not going to.

considered to be formal or established or have commitment. So I think it's culturally our kind of expectations and understanding of relationship has changed. People are getting married later in life. Women no longer need the protection of marriage. And we've had this kind of sexual revolution where casual sex and casual dating is a lot more, I don't know, a lot more, not prominent but accepted. and many people are eager to explore relationships in a less structured way without pressure to commit

in their kind of 20s and maybe even into their 30s as we prioritize self-knowledge and developing as individuals and figuring out what we want. I think on one hand, they can be really beneficial. You remove the pressure of putting parameters on what your relationship is and it can be really freeing and allow you to explore. what's out there, allow you to get to know the person before committing. But I think that comes with the condition that they are only going to stay healthy and be good for both people if both members of the situation ships are okay with leaving things open.

On the flip side, I think not knowing where you stand with someone, having one person who is looking to push things forward emotionally whilst the other one might be really closed off, can be really detrimental and difficult, especially if one party wants more of a commitment. And I think this vagueness in my experience can often leave you feeling really anxious and frustrated and uncertain, kind of depressed and really low on yourself if you've put a lot of effort into someone, if you're thinking that you're developing this really amazing emotional and sexual and physical and social bond, and the other person really isn't on the same page. It can be really, really difficult. Like I said, I've been there,

especially at like the start of this year and the end of last year. I was like going through this and it fucking sucked. It was a really terrible situation and I think with the hindsight I have now, I probably wouldn't do it again. And I'm guessing a few people are probably listening to figure out if what they're going through right now is a situation ship or maybe just the beginnings of, you know, something that is committed, just early days. Those are two separate things that I really want to distinguish between. I think situationships fall on a different plane of the relationship spectrum. So let's get into some detail about their characteristics to make this more clear. Hopefully this is helpful if you are in that, I keep saying situation, but in that

space where things are really ambiguous. You don't know if things are going towards. something that's committed, perhaps that's what you want, or if this person is just leading you on. So some of the kind of defining features of a situation ship is kind of that they'll feel really undefined. There's no consistency. There's no mention of the future. For me, a big part of it was it's based on convenience. And the relationship is obviously not exclusive. So I think, first of all, if your relationship is undefined, it's pretty easy to take. It's a lot of You may not have had the kind of what are we conversation to define the relationship. You haven't set expectations or outlined kind of boundaries.

You might be sleeping with other people. In some instances, it might just feel like it's too early to have that conversation or you might not feel like bringing it up. But I think after, you know, I saw this really interesting TikTok, I know. I was going to try and say article, but we all know it's not true. I saw an interesting TikTok and it's like the three-month rule. If you've been seeing someone for three months and you still don't know where you stand, I'm guessing it's probably not going anywhere and you're probably in a really ill-defined,

ambiguous space between just being, you know, fuck buddies or just sleeping with each other and being in a relationship. Another key feature that I often found was that there just isn't any consistency. A lack of consistency from another person or perhaps from yourself not feeling like you want to be consistent with someone is amazing. a sign that you're probably in a situation ship. And it can be hard to know what to expect from a potential partner, you know, for instance, there are some people who just take a while to respond to texts or who are just, you know, don't want to see you all the time, who are happy just

seeing the person they're saying, you know, once or twice a week. But if that, if there isn't like a consistent pattern and if you're left feeling like your needs are unmet, that you would want more, and they're not really reciprocating on that. If you've had that conversation, it's likely that this is not an established relationship. It's probably not going to get there in the future. The connection is also likely really superficial. You might spend a lot of time with this person.

You might sleep with this person. You might know their friends and their family. But there isn't that deep emotional connection. You might not be able to actually talk to them about real things. You don't feel that you could be vulnerable and in that state be respected by that person. That was something that I really noticed was that although I was seeing this person all the time, I felt incredibly uncomfortable ever having difficult conversations with them or if I did tell them something that was difficult or vulnerable,

I didn't really feel heard because we didn't have a deep sense of, well, I didn't have a deep sense of trust. I knew that this person didn't really care about me and wasn't. going to be in my life for the foreseeable future. So that connection being superficial is probably also a big indicator. A couple of these are another features and there was this really interesting psychologist, Dr. Romanov, and they do a lot of work around relationship psychology and the types of relationships that are more present and prevalent in 21st century society. They also listed a few others. It's based on convenience. You know, it might just be because

you guys work together or you have the same schedule or you're both each other's rebounds. The relationship is not exclusive and I think it becomes particularly hard when one person either consciously or not is not seeing other people and not sleeping with other people and the other person is because then it's obviously very much a one-sided street. There's not much follow-up from your partner and yeah you don't feel like there's a future. You don't feel like you can trust them. You're scared of having that conversation because you know what the answer will be. Those kind of are all indicators of a real casual relationship that probably isn't going anywhere. This has been very negative so far. I understand and I think like I said at the beginning, a disclaimer, I think that for people

who know themselves as wanting commitment or at least wanting something, either on one end of the spectrum being super casual, just talking up, or they want the real deal, situationships are kind of the worst deal for those kind of individuals, because although it's giving you the sense of it going somewhere and you're getting that kind of sex element, you're getting that physical intimacy, it's in this weird grey area where it's neither here nor there, your left feeling only partially satisfied. And there are definitely some benefits to this arrangement, I will acknowledge those. I think commitment and deep feelings can be really messy and something that I definitely saw in people that I've been in situationships with

is that vulnerability can be really hard for some people. That's not anyone's fault. Some people just aren't emotionally mature enough to, or just aren't at that point in their life where they're willing to put all their cards on the table. Maybe you're just not the right person for them. And if you are young and wanting to see other people and meet people and have those exciting experiences, a situation ship can give you the flexibility whilst also not making you feel guilty or tied down. But in my experience, there is that one person who's always holding the other up, who's always a little bit more hesitant about wanting to explore their dating priorities and kind of knows

what they want. And if you know what you want, know what you want being in this situation, is probably not going to give you those benefits that it's giving the other person and it will drain you. That's kind of one of those major disadvantages is that there's two takes two people to form a relationship, even a situation ship. And our priorities and our expectations around who we're connected with and the level of, and the deepness of that connection are not always going to be the same. I just remember actually, like this, like this. idea of your expectations differing and not having a conversation around them just reminds me of

this time I went on a trip with this person that I was in like a loose relationship with and if I'm being honest it was a really amazing trip it was like so much fun I think about it all the time have very fun feelings of it I say that now but I remember also being really nervous and anxious before I was going I guess that's another sign that you're in a situation ship as if you feel anxious doing committed things with someone but yeah i was feeling super nervous because i wanted it to go well but i really enjoyed this person's company and i wanted to have this experience with them during this trip i really realized that our expectations about what this meant for us or whatever we were doing was incredibly different i realized this when we were on we were driving back from this

trip that um bear in mind i basically paid for which i didn't mind at the time but i'm never doing that again, I promise you don't ever give more than you are being given. But yeah, we were driving back and in this moment of vulnerability, I told this person that I was developing, you know, really deep feelings for him. And, you know, he was nice enough to acknowledge that and be kind about it. But maybe like 10 minutes later, he just kind of let it out that he was like going on a date in the next few days with someone else. And it was the worst feeling. And like I'd been, like, genuinely, I think about it now. And it was like I had been punched in the stomach. And that's when I should have known and I should have called it quits if I'd had enough sense.

Because that's the danger with a dynamic like this. People do not develop emotions and feelings at the same pace. And our expectations will differ. People aren't going to experience the same events and the same moments and see the relationship in the same light. So I think the biggest problem is that when there isn't an agreement on the dynamics in your relationship, you'll often see that one person might want it to grow and be more and the other person just isn't willing to give that. I think it can also be really stressful to be in an ill-defined relationship without stability or consistency, especially if you start to develop expectations of your partner, but they are not committing to you or meeting them. Relationships form a

huge part of our identity and our well-being and the people we put energy into create our self-worth, create our happiness, and contribute to our overall well-being. At the end of the day, you want people that you can rely on. You wouldn't choose friends who are inconsistent. You wouldn't want your family to be inconsistent or even, you know, your co-workers, you know, one day they're there for you and willing to step up and, you know, be a member of the team and others that they're not. And I think especially in romantic relationships, which can be even more sensitive, the stakes it so much higher. You want to know that you can depend on someone if you have feelings for them. I think also it can leave you feeling incredibly insecure.

and deficient as an individual if you are willing to give this person so much of your life, of your time, energy, of your money and of your love. And you see them as being this amazing person like I did and they just don't see you that way. It leaves you feeling like you're the one who's losing out that they're kind of settling for you. You're a second option and the impact that has on your mental health and your self-esteem and your self-worth. Let me just tell you it's really not worth it. That constant cycle of meaning to gain approval from the other person is not a healthy dynamic. It's not a healthy dynamic at all. And I think because situations do tend to be superficial, the partner or the person who wants

more usually doesn't know the other person well enough or isn't willing to acknowledge their interests and their expectations well enough. And that causes them to, devalue themselves whilst idealising their partner and to become kind of addicted to the chase. So psychology has a lot to say about people who repeatedly find themselves in these types of relationships or ill-defined situations. And I will be the first to admit if you are in this cycle of casual relationships where you do want more, maybe you want less. Often it can be because of something more unconscious and subconscious rather than just the luck of the drawer and the people that you've met. I hate to say it, but it's normally you.

If that's the common denominator, it might point to something more inward and internal that you need to not fix, but work on and heal. I think often serial situation ship people and givers may often struggle with self-worth and usually find themselves being attracted to potential partners. who make them feel that they have to earn love. If you haven't listened to my episode on Attachment Stiles, this also contributes to this cycle. So it would be worth a listen

because often those who are anxiously attached are more prone to this type of relationship than others. You might be equally excited and terrified of this sense of the chase and anticipation and confuse those really excitatory feelings with chemistry when it's not that. It's just a lack of commitment. and you're actually probably just anxious at the end of the day.

But there are some other tangible things and elements that take self-work alongside working on your self-worth and your confidence and your expectations of what love feels like. And it's important to be able to, I think, identify from kind of a psychological perspective what it is internally that's drawing you to people who aren't going to, commit to you rather than looking to change them. The most common reason I've found in discussions with my friends and even doing some research on this, although it is kind of a new phenomenon in social and relationship psych. But one of the most common reasons for ending up in an undesired situation is that you're not making your intentions clear to the other person from the very

beginning. This is a mistake that I think that I've made a lot of times is I've actually known what I've wanted, even if I'd kind of suppressed it, but I'd known what I wanted. And that was a pretty solid truth. And I didn't make that clear or I covered that up because I wanted to make the other person happy or because I was enjoying the instant gratification of having them show me attention. Some people, you know, you might want to marry someone in the near future, you might be looking for serious commitment, or you might be a completely anti-relationship and just trying to enjoy your experiences. Both of those kind of areas of the spectrum are totally fine, except for when one person from one faction and one person from the other try and date each other,

it usually doesn't work. And it usually leaves the person who is looking for commitment or is kind of not after something that's ambiguous, waiting and wanting the other person to take that leap with them, which we know will never happen. I think that's one thing I try and stress so much in this episode and have been trying to stress is that if you're waiting, it's just not worth it. Like if they wanted to, they would. And if they haven't, they don't want to. Don't try and confuse their desires or try and read things into it. Normally the simplest explanation is the right one. And one of the first things that needs to be done when you're getting to know someone is to find out their mindset and what they're looking for and to also communicate exactly what you're looking for.

Don't lie about it. You're not going to get anywhere. Be completely clear with them and expect that they're being clear with you. Communicating expectations early on, I think will help you avoid some unexpected and awful surprises later on. This isn't to say that having that conversation will guarantee that you won't end up in a situation. People can not be completely clear about their intentions, things change. There's a chance that what a person says at the beginning is not how it will end up. And if you're not communicating along the way, that's probably also going to be lost in translation and I think another reason that also really aligns with not having clear intentions and boundaries is if you're giving too much too early. I'm definitely at fault of

this a lot. I think if your love language is maybe any of those love languages but if you're just someone who likes to give a lot and is generous, that's not necessarily a bad thing as long as the people that you're deciding to give your love and your attention and your generosity to are actually worthy of it. And you're not going to know that in the first few times you've met. You're not going to know this person's true mindset and who they're really going to shape up to be that early on. So hold back a little bit and really think about whether this person is meeting your expectations.

A phrase that one of my friends said to me the other day, which I really liked, was be picky, not passive. And there's also usually a difference between how you act when casually dating someone and how you act in a relationship. And that is going to vary on an individual basis. You know, for some, the type of physical or emotional intimacy that comes with something casual might be different. And as bad as it sounds, some people may feel perfectly happy in a place of no commitment

because they're already receiving everything they want from you. They've got someone to hang out with when they're lonely. They've got, you know, the sex that they need. They've got support. I remember I taught this person how to fucking drive. Like, that seems like a pretty good perk. And if you don't have to commit and you're still going to get that, why not? Why not do it?

So there is that question of why should they commit? And if they're, you know, willing to. So not giving too much too early if you are someone who's looking for commitment. And it also applies to someone who wants to keep things really, really casual. And if that's you, there's no benefit, I think. in either situation from diving in headfirst and just giving it your all and giving them your all and showing them that you aren't going to kind of set up clear boundaries with what they can take from you. Something you can do, I think is just take a moment and decide your boundaries

from the very, very beginning and continue to work on them. And I don't think those just have to be boundaries around this is what I want and if it's not that then I'm out like I want a relationship and if they're not willing to give me that in the first month get out of here it's also boundaries around what are your non-negotiables what does good love feel like to you how do you want to be treated in any relationship where feelings become involved even if you're happy with a situation ship you need to be really clear in your mind about what you actually deserve as a an individual. A critical thing to remember that my amazing friend Ginger said to me the other day when I told I was recording this is that no strings doesn't mean no respect. I'm just going to say it

again. No strings doesn't mean no respect. Even if things are casual, you should have solid boundaries around you and within you that you deserve to be treated with respect and have your boundaries heard and acknowledged. And if you have the confidence and the courage to say, you know, I don't like how you're treating me. I don't like that, I don't know, you make front of me in front of your friends or that you don't text me back or you don't make plans, even if things are casual. And if that's one of your non-negotiables, don't lose sight of that and don't be passive about it. Make sure you show them how you want to be treated and enforce that. And if they don't respect it, cut it loose.

Express how you deserve and how you expect to be treated. I think that's such a liberating thing that you can do no matter what you want, no matter what your dating boundaries are or your dating goals are, whether you're in a situation right now or you have been in one in the past or you're dating or you're in a relationship in any situation. Being really clear about what you want and how you, want to be treated and what your non-negotiables are will save you a whole lot of pain. Another one of my friends, and I think this kind of goes back to one of those earlier points about

speaking your truth really early on about what you want. She has these dating rules, which I find really, really interesting. And I'm kind of stealing them to give to you because I think that they are a really good template for going into new relationships or new flings or new interests with a really clear mind. And in her instance, she really wants a relationship. She's not here to fuck around. You know, she doesn't want another string of things that don't really go anywhere and end, like she wants deep love, which all power to her.

I think that is an amazing goal to have. And if you, you know, you set intentions and goals in all other areas of your life, why not do it when it comes to romance? And she has these like five rules of dating. and one of them is like after the fifth date I will have a conversation about what they want after four dates where sex is involved I expect a non-sexual date if I made the last plan I think yeah if I made the last plan then they have to make the next plan write down a list fucking do it do it it's going to take you like 10 minutes you probably already know what you want

write it down and stick to it and judge their behavior based on whether they're actually meeting those rules that you have. Okay, I feel like I spent a lot of time then talking about boundaries and boundary setting and expectations, which is important. It's really important. But a massive component I think of situationships is knowing when those boundaries have been crossed and knowing when to leave. Sometimes a situation ship may be working for you and be aligned with your emotional needs.

you might have just come out of a long-term relationship. Maybe you're on the same page as the other person and it's working fabulously. But it's also important to know when it's not working and when to let it go. A handicint that I have found in my experience, as soon as you have doubts, it's time to end things because there's no point prolonging the inevitable and learning that lesson the hard way. this is a conundrum I faced for many months at the end of last year and I saw this really funny Petuta article today actually one of my friends sent it to me and the headline was woman in a situation ship convinced that if she sleeps with man enough times who'll come around that's not going to

happen and if it does for those rare few I'm pretty sure you're going to reach a state of emotional exhaustion before it does and you really want love from someone who's making you work so hard for it or putting you in that state in the first place. So I think knowing when to leave and when to be like, okay, that's enough of that when moving on is super important. When they're making you feel anxious, it's time to go. When your needs aren't being met and you can sense that it's time to go. When you have doubts, when you want more and if you've talked to them about, that and they have been like no way it's time to go and i think that sometimes it can be really difficult when feelings are getting really messy maybe they've said that they've loved you or they said that

they've missed you and if that was true and if they really did love you with the intensity that perhaps you wanted they would be with you there's no question about it sometimes people like you know like i said like getting those benefits without having to pay for them pay for them pay for them with their energy, pay for them with their time, pay for them with reciprocation. So really trust your gut feeling and I think another big part is when you're not comfortable telling your friends about how they've been treating you or telling your friends about your doubts because you know what they'll say, those are people that you have established and trusting relationships with who are hopefully really good people who have your best interests at heart. And if they

know and if you know that they know that it's not good um that was a really convoluted way of saying that but just you'll know their reaction and if you know their reaction isn't going to be a positive one you should be having that same feeling trust those who you trust and trust that you understand their judgments and if you can put yourself in their shoes and imagine you know them telling you this or one of your other friends saying oh i'm in this situation ship and i'm feeling really anxious and it's making me really sad and I don't want to be here anymore. I want more or I want nothing. If that's what you can imagine, if you can imagine them in that situation and what you would say to them and if your advice would be, you know, dump him and leave or dump her or dump them, then you should

probably do it. You should probably do it. And I know it's not that simple. It's not that simple because it could be that you are incredibly attached. You're likely attached if you've been, sticking around for that long if you have reached a point of emotional kind of collapse. But I think the thing that really made me realize that I needed to have a conversation around it was what I just really didn't like myself anymore. And that's like a really hard thing to say now. But I just didn't like myself. I didn't like what I had done and I didn't like who I was.

because I was choosing this person. I didn't like how I felt. I didn't like how I looked. I didn't feel accepted or loved in the way that I deserved. And making that clear was possibly one of like the best moments of my life, even though it was hard because it finally was me standing up for myself and not just letting them kind of call the shots, but being an active participant in the situation I was in.

So what comes after that? What comes after that? If you've never dated someone, if it was a situation, without commitment, without defined expectations, it can be really hard to acknowledge the ending of something like that for what it is, which is essentially a breakup in a different sense of the word. And our complicated relationship with grief around situationships that never really got to that point is something that's really hard to navigate.

And I think a massive element of situationships is not what occurs within them, but after. Quite often you feel like because you never dated this person, you don't deserve to feel sad, you don't deserve to miss them. And many others might not expect us to feel hurt. Or maybe that's just the perception you're putting on yourself. Like, why should I grieve this person as if I dated them when I really didn't? I was super lucky in that all of my friends had witnessed this. situation and they had seen what had done to me and my anxiety and, you know, the impact it

had on my life. I'm really supportive. So a little shout out to Kate and Erin and Phoebe. If you're listening, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Because at least one of those women had to receive some sort of message or phone call for me for at least two to three months, like crying or being really depressed and sad and

whatever. But understanding that those who really love you will support you through this have likely seen what it's done to you. is a really important thing to sit back on and remember. I think in many other ways, it can be hard to grieve, not just for the what-ifs and the relationship that you wanted, but for what you built around that person, the community that you formed around them,

and not having that anymore. The person, you know, there probably was an element of emotion there and an element of support. And much like a relationship, when that's gone, that can be really, really difficult. One of the big things I found was that the people who were his friends and who surrounded him, who I really love and I really enjoy them, but they're his friends, they're not mine. And that took a while for me to come to terms with and that I had also changed a lot of

my life to fit into what was wanted in that situation. And at the end of the day, it didn't really have much to show for it. Talley was definitely not in my favor. and that is something to be grieved and that sense of feeling guilty and feeling silly sit with that. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is let yourself feel hurt, journal about it, actively take steps to move on and build a better version of yourself, build a better version of yourself in which you know what you want, you know how you deserve to be treated and you know what your non-negotiables are.

And I treated it like a breakup. I cut off contact for a while, I muted his social media, I unfollowed. It might not have been a relationship, but, and, you know, looking back at it now, it definitely wasn't, but I didn't want to hear from them for a long time because of what it had done to me, and that gave me so much peace. I think also acknowledging that, like, I had a hand to play in the hurt that I felt, and I think being hurt and being harmed are very different, and although sometimes it's still you know a bit hard now to not reach out especially you know now that I'm not angry anymore and

I miss that friendship side um the best thing that I really did for myself was realized that without that person I probably was a better version of myself and I traveled a bunch I went on trips with anyone who would book one with me I found new hobbies and facets of myself that the people who had previously been in my life you know even in the past five years people who nothing and really eventuated with. These were these elements myself that they had nothing to do with. They had no say and no part of. They didn't know about it.

And if you are kind of grieving a situation ship and feeling guilty about it, it's important to build yourself back up and see that you are really cool. You're an incredible person. And you can create habits and patterns and hobbies that have no connection with them that are just for yourself. and letting yourself grieve and sit with that feeling and acknowledge that it's a valid feeling and letting yourself heal will do wonders for you in the future. And that fucking glow up, that glow up when you sit back in a few months' time and realize that you took control and made an active decision in your life, you sat with what you wanted,

you acknowledged it and you realized that that was valid and that you could choose who gives that to you. That's just going to do wonders for your mental health, for your relationship with your mind, with your level of confidence, with your friendships, with your family, and with kind of every element when you decide to kind of put yourself first. A bit of a rant there. You can see, I know I said I was coming at this from a logical perspective, but sometimes I think anecdotal advice can be really useful. And I think just being honest with yourself about what you actually want, is really, really important at the end of the day. If you don't feel that you're being treated well as whatever you have with someone is progressing,

be honest about that as well. I think the biggest mistake I've made in situations like this that would have saved me months of pain was not telling people the moment that we weren't on the same page anymore. Be really explicit because it can be really easy. to ignore until you can't anymore. And the thing is, their feelings for you aren't going to change. And if you have that conversation and they do, then either way you're getting something out of it.

Like being honest about your feelings and about where you're coming from and your expectations, it's never going to have a negative outcome. Either you lose someone who probably wasn't really there to begin with, or in the odd scenario, it becomes more you also win that. But I think once again, these people, like, if you're in, if your expectations are different and they have been from the start, this person isn't going to miraculously emotionally mature overnight. And it's highly unlikely that they will ever fulfill your emotional needs. So that advice of being honest with yourself still stands throughout all of this.

Know when things are done and be honest with yourself and whether it's worth it, whether the lesson is worth it, whether the hurt is worth it. and I don't think that when you truly take an honest mirror to what you're going through, your answer will be that it is. And, you know, if you are on the other side of this, if you're someone who is wanting to keep things casual, and you see that someone, the other person you're with perhaps once more, if you're noticing that things are changing, you have just as much of a responsibility to be honest with them as well.

It's not just their burden to carry. you don't want to be someone who hurts people, you don't want to be someone who others have a negative memory of. And even if you're getting something out of it, just think about, I don't know, it sounds so silly to be like, think about the other person, but that's what you should be doing in any situation in which sex and emotions are intertwined, physical and emotional elements are intertwined. Both parties owe the other person a level of honesty and respect. no matter where you stand in terms of commitment, where you stand in terms of the definition of your relationship. That's just a huge thing I think in any relationship, friendships, family,

colleagues, anything at all. So I hope that this episode was informational. I don't know, maybe it was just a bit of a ramble, but I think it was something that I really wanted to talk about for a while. Maybe I had some wisdom on. Maybe you can throw this all out and be like, this was stupid, but I think I really enjoyed it. And for that person, those people who've asked for this episode, hopefully whatever you're going through, this has helped you out, given you something to think about, because I'm sure it's on your mind. And thank you again for listening and for the support. It just is blowing my mind at the moment. The amount of messages I've been getting and the new listeners and the new followers and it's just crazy. I never thought that people would really

care and maybe you don't. Maybe this is just some fun listening for your road trip or your car trip or whatever. But for me, it's a really nice feeling and it's been a huge part of my growth and development over the past few months and after the situation ship I went through. So I'm very grateful for the podcast and it's really amazing to be at a place now where I can be like, oh, yeah, I'm going to talk about this from perspective of having been through it, knowing what I want now, and knowing how I deserve to be treated. So thank you so much at the end of the day. And I hope to see you back next week. I haven't decided what we're talking about.

But when I do, I will let you know. And have a lovely, lovely week. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hard Way with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that's really not safe to have. have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to, listen to learn the hard way on the

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