The Psychology of your 20s - 429. The reality of chronic illness in your 20s ft. Nikki Lilly

Episode Date: June 15, 2026

Living with a chronic illness in your 20s can feel like carrying an invisible weight that nobody else can see. Beyond the hospital appointments, surgeries, medications and diagnoses, there is a hidden psychological burden: the anxiety, grief, uncertainty, identity struggles and resilience required to keep moving forward when your body feels beyond your control. In this week's episode, I sit down with content creator, advocate and broadcaster Nikki Lilly to discuss what it's really like growing up with a rare medical condition, navigating facial differences, online bullying, and building a meaningful life despite constant uncertainty. We discuss: The hidden psychological impact of chronic illness  Medical trauma, PTSD and the long road to healing How chronic illness affects your relationship with your body Online bullying, discrimination and appearance-based judgment Plus her time at the Oscars and her vision for her future Happy listening! Watch on Netflix: HERE Listen to Live A Little: HERE Follow Lilly on Instagram: @nikkililly Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [e-mail]  The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. You have the desire to help a real difference? The College, LaCite, you offer the program Dependance and Sentental. Acquare the competences

essential for accompany and support the people confronted to the health and dependents. Construise a career enriching to service

of the community francophone of all the country. Don't the quality in French, it's possible

with the City. Visit Collage LaC. .A. today, An initiative of the Consortium National

of Formation in Health Supposed by Santee Canada. There was no anything inside those eyes. They turned black. It scared the hell out of me. Evil, wake up. I'm the woman that saw the murder

take place by Krivac and DePippo. Anthony DePippo showed no signs of remorse appearing unfazed after being sentenced to the maximum. I said, I'm not guilty. I'll take it to the grief. Listen to the devil's quarry in the Bone Valley feed on the IHeart Radio app. Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Joy is essential and it's also elusive, but now there's a new and exciting way to start your journey

toward a more joyful existence. Joy 101. It's a new podcast hosted by me, Hoda Kotby. If you're craving inspiration to maximize your joy, tune into these candid, uplifting, and moving on-air chats. Open your free IHeart Radio app. Search Joy 101 and listen now. Joy 101 with Hoda Kotfi is presented by CVS.

Everyone sees me as a football player, but before anything else, I'm human. Every single day I'm still learning how to live with problems, mistakes, relationships, emotions ever since I was born. This isn't a normal podcast. Everything here is spontaneous, real, and genuine. Just honest conversations about what it means to be alive. I'm Javier Chichariot-O-Nand-es,

and listen to learning to be human. on IHard Radio, Apple Podcasts, or whatever you get your podcast. Your husband is not who you think he is. Your body is not what you thought it was. Your identity is formed by a secret history. I'm Danny Shapiro. And these are just a few of the stunning stories I'll be exploring on the 14th season of Family Secrets.

He kind of shoved me out of the way and said, move. And he went out the front door and he jumped in a car and drove off. And that was the last time I saw him. Listen to Season 14 of Family Secrets. Secrets on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast.

It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of our 20s. Today, I have such a special guest episode for you. One that goes places we've never been before on the podcast. We are talking to somebody who has spent most of her life navigating a chronic illness. being in the public eye, and just learning how to exist in a world that can be very cruel to people who look different. She was diagnosed just six years old with a rare medical condition. Her story is one of amazing power, resilience, creativity. You may know her from her modeling work, her advocacy,

her behind the scenes content at the Oscars on runways, film premieres, amongst many other things. Welcome to the podcast, Nikki Lilly. Thank you. I was just like, Like that was the most incredible intro. Really? That was amazing. Okay, I honestly, thank you for saying that because I always like to make sure our intros just cover every amazing dimension of somebody. You did.

That was incredible. Thank you so much for having me. I was just saying to you before we started, I've been a fan of yours for so long. So this feels insane. Oh my God. And the fact that you found me on Substack is crazy. No. No, honestly, as soon as I joined Substack,

just as like someone that wanted to get more into reading and is really introspective and an overthinker, I was like, okay, I need to go to substack. And your substacks were literally the first thing I was recommended. So it was meant to be. I think it was. And now you're on the pod. Yeah. Full circle.

What can you say? I know. Well, full circle, but like in the opposite direction where I feel like, this is what most people know me for. And the fact that you found me on my substack where like I'm a little bit more vulnerable. No, I love it. Yeah. That means a lot.

I always forget to get people to introduce themselves. I always just jump into the question. No, same. Same. Briefly introduce yourself. Who are you? How do most people, how might people know who you are already? So I'm Nikki. Most people know me as Nikki Lilly Online. And I started making videos, like you said, around eight years old.

And it all came from me being diagnosed with a condition called AVM at 6. And I was a super active, chatty, outgoing child, had to give up all of the things I loved that made me happy as a 6 year old. And my life was very empty. It was very lonely. And so YouTube became a way for me to connect to the outside world. And so I would watch videos from my hospital bed and almost felt like I was friends with these people I was watching for like 20 minutes. I could escape from treatments or hospital monitor sounds or whatever it was. And so one day I asked my mum and dad if I'd be allowed to post a video on YouTube.

And they're obviously apprehensive. Looking back, me being eight years old is actually insane. But I think they understood it was like the exception to the rule. because I needed something. And so it became my project for myself, something to put my energy into that was mine that helped me regain control and to focus on outside of what I was doing.

So that happened when I was eight years old and now I'm 21 and since then I've done advocacy work, I've spoken at the United Nations. A lot of my, it's funny because when I first started making videos, I didn't address my condition at all for like three years. It was just kind of like a world in which I wanted wanted to exist without my condition being a factor because it had taken up every part of my real life. And so it was just me sharing my love of makeup and like, you know, baking and things that I

was finding as I was diagnosed to put my energy into my time into. And so that's kind of how it all began. It was not something where it like boomed from the beginning. But as I posted more on YouTube, I started to gain a following and started to do some work on TV. And now I'm here. That was like the longest intro to myself ever. That was not short at all. Oh, I think that was, I feel like there's a lot more that you could answer. Yeah, I know. And I was like, let me just stop now. Yeah. Don't worry. I've got a lot of follow-ups. Yeah. First follow-up, what YouTubers did you watch before you started posting? Do you remember? Oh my God. Of course. It was like Zoella. Classic.

Like all of the brick crew, they call it. So it was like Zoella, Alfie, Tanya Burr. Tanya Baer's a funny one because I recently, like, well, actually a couple of years ago, met her. We were in the queue for the same event. And you have to like queue up for the carpet. And she started talking to me first. And in my head, all I could think was, oh my gosh, little Nikki would be dying right now.

Like I bought her makeup line. Like literally that whole group was obsessed with them. And so we talked for like 20 minutes. I didn't actually even tell her my name. We were just talking. And then she kind of left. And then I didn't see her and she'd followed me, like, straight away after. And you were like, oh, my goodness.

No, honestly, especially when, I'm sure you feel that same way, when something happens that you know your younger self would just die over, it's the most full circle thing. So I would watch them. I also would watch a lot of like American beauty gurus. Bethany Motor. Oh my God. Bethany Moter, Michelle Fam.

Yeah. Like Hila Oakley, Joe Grissette. Like all of that group, Trois Savan before he was like to sing a Trois Savan. No, literally all of them, I was just obsessed. I'd watch like all of their vlogs at VidCon. Yeah. And it would be like, you know what I remember. Oh my God.

We had actually Arden Rose. I don't know if you know who there is on the podcast the other day. And we were talking about how like you would watch the same video by like seven different people and it was literally just the same blog of the same stuff. Just different angles. And you'd be like, load them up and you'd be like, and that one next. And like before you go to school. I was like actually the best.

I was obsessed. Especially with Zoella, I remember doing like reviews of her new like collections on my YouTube channel. When you were on YouTube. I was so obsessed with her. Huge full circle. Yeah. Let's talk about AVM. Yeah.

Can you talk about what it's like to have it but also for people who may not know what it is? What's a little brief overview that they could understand? Yeah. So I was born with my AVM and you have to be born with an AVM, but it can become active at any age. So someone could live up until 21, which is my age now, and then it could be triggered. And until then, never know they have it, never have any signs, never really show up on scans unless they were kind of looking for it. And so till I was six years old, both sides of my face looked the exact same. There was no inkling that there was anything wrong with me.

And then at six years old, I started having veins and sweating appearing on the right side of my face. Didn't know what it was. I didn't think much of it, but we went to the doctor. the doctor very quickly referred me to another doctor and then ensued a bunch of tests and scans and just hospital stuff and appointments. And then after a couple of months, it was very quick turnaround because everyone was kind of like what is going on. I was told with my parents sat in kind of a dingy hospital room that I had in AVM. So an AVM is basically an abnormal connection between your arteries and your veins.

So all over your body you have arteries, veins and capillaries. And capillaries go in between your arteries and veins to balance out the high and low flow pressures between them. But when you have an AVM, your capillaries basically aren't formed in the places that they need to be. So your arteries and veins collide directly into each other and tangle. So it's an abnormal connection. And because of that, there's a buildup of pressure from the blood vessels, which causes pain, swelling, appearance of veins, but also the worth part for me and people with AVMs is bleating. So you can have life-threatening bleeds because of the build-up of pressure.

It's almost like a pressure cooker where like there can be a build-off of pressure, then that blood vessel is just ready to go. And then you can have like a really bad bleed. So I was in a coma when I was 13 because of, yeah, for eight days because of the bleed so bad. Yeah. So I've had a lot of like near-death experiences. And I think that's what's crazy is I think a lot of people on social media. I mean, if you followed me for a while, you'll know kind of as much as you can,

the depth of what I've been through, like, physically. But a lot of people just know me from my appearance and not, like, the physical side. Because I share it, but I don't. You know, I'm not, like, pulling my phone out when I'm in the emergency room or I'm in a hospital appointment. So what they see is more me talking about, like, my appearance versus the physical side that affects me, you know, day to day. Like, I, every Wednesday or every other Wednesday have to go and see my nose doctor so he can check if there's any blood vessels that need to be, you know, treated so that I don't. then start having a bleed. So it's always, you never feel like you're stable.

There's no sense of stability when you have an AVM and currently there's no cure. Everything's kind of trials or I've been on three trial drugs. None of them work for me. I've had 98 surgeries to just try and maintain my symptoms for four years. Me and my parents use their savings to get me treatment in America for four years every six to eight weeks. So my life has kind of become about like treat and repeat and hospital. And when I was younger, especially hospital, we talked about it as if it was my second home. And I've always kind of struggled a lot with like my relationship with my body because from a very early age,

it's kind of given over to doctors and stitched up, cut into, it didn't feel like mine. So for a lot of my life, I haven't really had autonomy over my body. my body, which has been a really hard thing because I think when you're younger, like, you know, you're trying to find yourself and find who you are and have a sense of self and identity. So when, like, your body, which is kind of the biggest thing you have that's with you at all times, is kind of being given over to these other people and, you know, your life becomes so out of control so early. It was incredibly difficult. Yeah, I think that's the thing with dealing with an AVM is that it's, or any chronic illness where there is no end in sight, there's no cure. It's so hard because you

just feel like a duck that's just kind of trying to tread above water and you never know like I could have a good period for a month and then suddenly like you know hell breaks loose and I'm in hospital having nine bleeds a day oh my god so I'm you know I'm doing things like the Oscars or things like that but the anxiety I felt like leading up to the Oscars because it felt like something that was set in stone and my life is so not set in stone that anything like that it's like I never get excited for it because the nerves of this isn't going to have. happen or something's going to happen that means that this, you know, doesn't follow through is so big and has been in my life that's been the case, that it's very hard for me to look

forward to things and instead be so anxious that it's not even going to happen. Yeah. Yeah. This is the thing that I was so interested in talking to you about is the psychological side of a chronic illness. And the fact that a lot of people, as you said, would see, I don't know, a visual. difference and that would be it. Yeah. And I think it's so important that you talk about and that you are talking to us about, no, there's all this other side of it. Like this, the mental load of the anxiety

that you're explaining. And what really struck me about that was you being like, yeah, all these great things are happening. Imagine not being able to even look forward to the good stuff because of how just stressful that might be. Yeah. I've been in and out of therapy my whole life. for different things. I'm in therapy at the moment, having EMDR for chronic PTSD. Yeah. So how are you finding it?

It's hard. Oh my gosh. It is. I went into EMDR because it kind of felt like the only option. CBT wasn't going to work for me because I knew. You can't rationalize. Yeah. I'm almost too over therapists.

Like I know everything. I know why things have happened. I know my mental place is a product of my physical health mostly. And so I know all of that. So that's not going to work for me. I needed to feel like I was doing something that was like progress and an actual tangible thing because so much of my life has been things that haven't been that. So talking about issues is great and you definitely need to do that.

But that's just ruminating. So EMDR for me, I've had 15 sessions of it. I've got five left. It's a lot. When we first started doing EMDR with my therapist, we actually made a, like almost a timeline of all of the traumatic things that have happened to me since I was six years old and it was like two pages long and it was the most crazy thing to and we kind of put the dates or that was a bit blurry and like named each experience and it was so insane to kind of see

your trauma kind of laid out like that and so then we kind of went through okay which one is the worst out of all of the worst traumas and have been targeting that and it is the most kind of the biggest workout for your brain ever um i do think that it's helping but after i do EMDR i'm like gone for the whole day so tired so exhausted i remember the first time i had a EMDR i literally thought i'd been drugged i was like what has happened to me i can't function dizzy dizzy just knocked out like i just felt like i wasn't in my body because obviously you kind of also dissociate a little bit when you're doing that because you're back in the experience. So EMDR's great because I feel like it's directly kind of attacking certain things that

have happened to me. It's hard because I'm also dealing with the reality still in a way. But it means that because you're bringing up like the worst things that have ever happened to you that you would naturally push back in the back of your mind, you're then kind of, you have your EMDR and then the rest of your week you're left with that, kind of just being at the surface of your mind and having to deal with that. So that's, yeah, it's hard. But I'm kind of relieved that I feel like I'm doing something that has like a beginning

and an end in a way. Yeah. And I think also like you have been, not to put words in your mouth, but you have been in medical institutions for the majority of your life. You have probably an incredible medical like A, knowledge, B, dictionary of terms, C, psychological understanding. I'm sure you've met a million psychologists. a million caseworkers, a million social workers.

I feel like for somebody like you, who is incredibly self-aware, it's something I see with like CVT all the time, where it's just like incredibly difficult to not just hear what somebody else to say. Be like, come on, I heard that. Exactly. Had that a million times. Cool. We've got the knowledge.

I need to do something practical. I'm so glad that it's working. Yeah. And my therapist keeps catching me out because we'll be going through a memory and I'll say she'll always stop me and be like, what do you feel now? What do you see now? And I'll start, I can't just say the thing. I have to then analyze the thing and explain it.

And she's like, stop analyzing it. Just stop analyzing, just say the thing and continue. And I think it comes from like that being, that's the thing is when you're so over kind of therapies and so self-aware. I mean, I'm so self-waring of my body. I've had to be tapped into it. That you do that in general too much. That then I feel like it's almost also me trying to.

to, because I'm so used to no one understanding that I have to over explain, overcompensate, over justify. So I find that I'm doing a lot in therapy. And my therapist is always calling me out being like, just go with the feeling. You don't need to explain the feeling. Yeah. You don't need to make sense of it. Just go with it. So interesting that you said like you're so in touch with your body because probably like mostly your condition would like necessitate that. Like any pain might be incredibly threatening or important to like deal with. Yeah. That it's like even when you're trying to like heal through trauma,

you probably feel that in your body a lot more intensely than most people as well. Totally. And it's this weird thing where I'm constantly kind of in this fight or flight mode where, you know, I could have the tiniest kind of niggle of feeling and I'm like, oh my God, where are my tissues? I'm going to have a nosebleed. And that has been the case sometimes because my nosebleeds can just come on out of nowhere. So you're constantly kind of preparing for danger.

Your body's constantly in that kind of state, which means that I'm never able to kind of relax or return to a baseline. And so like with my therapist, we've been talking about a lot about window of tolerance. And, you know, obviously the window of tolerance when you have a lot of traumatic events or a destabilized kind of nervous system or dysregulated, that your window of tolerance is so much smaller. and you bounce up above it or down below it much quicker.

So hyper or hypo arousal. And so for me, I think what's been helpful with therapy is I'm so self-aware, but I also treat that self-awareness as like I'm very hard on myself. And so what it's helped me with is being able to apply these theories to myself and make sense of them when a lot of my life has been not being able to kind of put something in a box, and make sense of it as just that because it's so much and it's so messy. But equally, you know, I'm so tapped into my body, but I'm also, I've been through a lot of like dissociation from my body and detachment where it's because it's not felt like mine,

it doesn't feel like it's mine. I remember I had a massive surgery a few years ago. It was a 12-hour surgery and I was recovering for four and a half months. And that was one of the, I mean, the rock bottom of my life, that whole recovery period. And I remember looking at my hands and being like, these hands don't feel attached to my body. Like I felt so outside of my body because so much had happened that it was kind of like, yeah, you need to shut down to just survive through this. But yeah, I think, you know, therapy is one of those things where it's almost like the most important relationship outside of the one you have with yourself to have. A good therapist or a bad therapist or psychologist can make or break your experience.

Yes. Because I've had some rubbish ones where I go into it. instantly and know in my gut this isn't going to work. How do you know that? It's just a feeling I get. It's almost like, I guess, like speed dating, like or dating. It's that feeling of like, yeah, this isn't going to work or this, I feel like this could work.

Obviously, you know, you can't, you need time to see, but I do feel like for me, the person matters as much as the therapy. So I feel like, and also in my life, a lot of doctors for medical stuff haven't. seen me as a whole person. They've seen me as a problem that needs fixing. I was going to say, I feel like you would have a good nose for it because you probably dealt with a lot of people in this setting. You can tell who has genuine empathy. Yeah. Is that, do you think your empathy radar is quite too high? Too high. Oh my God. In the sense of I'm such a deep feeler and I'm so overly aware of like there could be a change in energy in the room and I'm like, someone's angry

with me. Someone's upset, you know. So I'm so aware of that. And I think I completely, I completely understand, especially in a medical lens, that doctors have to detach themselves from their work. I mean, I could never do what they do day and day out, you know, delivering hard news, doing these insane surgeries and then go home and carry that all with me. You know, you can't do that. You have to learn to detach. Same with therapy and therapists and whatever else. But equally, a lot of doctors have kind of seen me and told me through my life from a very early age,

you're complicated. This is complex. You're a problem. You're an 11 out of 10. And so you apply that to you as a person, especially when you're so young. Or this can't be fixed. So it's like you're constantly kind of sat in this hospital waiting room and watching everyone else around you leave the room,

but you're still stuck in it because your problem is never solved. And a lot of doctors have kind of seen me as, yeah, a problem and not as a whole human. They think, okay, we can do this drastic surgery that might help you, but they're not thinking how is that going to impact my life? Yeah. How is that going to impact me as a human? How is that going to impact me as a 13 year old, 15 year old, 21 year old who wants to also live as much of a normal life as she possibly can? And so I think that's been a really hard, like, paradox is that, of course, I need, you know, to have the health support and the medical support. But a lot of doctors have never seen me as a whole person. So it's like as soon as I leave that hospital, I know that they're not considering what I'm going through outside of the hospital. hospital. Like it's like you get discharged from hospital and it's like okay off you go. Yeah. But no, then you're, I'm dealing with four and a half months of recovery in my room, not leaving it. And do you think sometimes they see it was like an intellectual problem maybe for

them? Yeah. Yeah. Where they're like, you're a challenge. This is interesting to me. Or I've had a lot of, which is no problem with that, but a lot of like, um, junior doctors who've come in and they've been like, can they, you know, be a part of this appointment so they can see your case and stuff like. that like I remember once when I was younger going into a doctor's appointment and having about I think I must have been nine and having about 14 doctors surrounding me like that so and you were nine yeah you would have been really scary especially know their names didn't know their names probably and then also when most people and you included would see a doctor you'd be like something's really wrong having that many doctors around you would probably have thought the worst yeah

god that's really hard yeah yeah I can imagine You and a pal in Montreal and Oceaga, with four nights at Residents in downtown Montreal, flights from Porter Airlines, two weekend gold tickets, and $1,000 cash. Please, Lord, Zara Larson, Dima Gray, Sombor, 21 pilots, and more. Download IHeart Radio, listen to IHeart new music for 10 minutes, and enter to win. Oceaga, 2026. Every day you listen is another chance to win. In the moment, it felt like it was going on forever. I didn't think I was going to live.

I was terrified. There was no anything inside those eyes. They turned black. It scared the hell out of me. That was your first murder case? Yes, sir. Fear to say this was the biggest case of your career? Yes, sir.

Rape and murder for a child. Just as bad as it gets. I would think so. People wake up. I'm the one that saw the murder take place. by Creveh and DePippo. Anthony DePippo showed no signs of remorse, appearing unfazed after being sentenced to the maximum.

I said I'm not guilty. I'll take it to the grief. Listen to the devil's quarry on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And to hear the Devil's Quarry ad free with exclusive content, subscribe to Love for Good Plus on Apple Podcasts. Hey, I'm Hoda Kotby, host of the podcast. Joy 101 with Hoda Kotby. Together, we're going to have meaningful conversations with the world's most fascinating people.

Like when actress Olivia Munn shared how she overcame fierce health challenges. I've gone through breast cancer and then helped my mother through breast cancer, and that was more difficult. There's a lot of people who understand postpartner depression. I was not prepared for postpartum anxiety. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotby on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Everyone is a total of excitement

because their new star is Javier Tchirito Hernandez Everyone sees me as a football player But before anything else, I'm human Every single day I'm still learning How to live with problems, mistakes, relationships, emotions ever since I was born And I still have so many questions Where do we come from? What happens after death?

How do you deal with cancellation? Cristiano or Messi? Do aliens exist? What is love? Real Madrid or Varsa? From everyday and ordinary, the deep and extraordinary. This isn't a normal podcast.

Everything here is spontaneous, real, and genuine. This podcast is like a deep talk with your closest friends, where vulnerability comes out. Conspiracy theories end up on the table, and goals and lessons are shut. All in this life has a order perfect and all is just. Wait me, I'm going to pressure me, but me will go to be able to be done. We are here to connect.

The Chicharito. And Javier and Chicharito Hernandez, and together with Iha Radio, we're going to make the ordinary, extraordinary. Stay close. It is a carac. Listen to Learning to Be Human on IHard Radio, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Here's something that should not be as complicated as it is.

Getting a racist statue removed. And here's something that should be a whole lot easier than it is. Getting a new one put up in its place. As long as there's a politics of race in America, there's going to be a politics of remembering the Civil War. To get to school, I had to go down Robert Lee Boulevard. Get to the grocery store. I had to go down Jefferson Davis Parkway. If you're an historian and you leave out half of what the history is, you're not doing your job.

I'm Akila Hughes, and Rebel Spirit Season 2 goes deep on both of those things. The fights, the politics, the people who won, and my personal campaign to add something to the Kentucky State House that's actually worth the wall space. We are more than our bodies. We contain essence. We contain spirit. How do you represent that? They are just fueling a fire that is really catching.

You'll see what I mean. Listen to Rebel Spirit Season 2 on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you want to talk about your YouTube channel? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. Do you want to talk about what it's been like spending so much of your life on social media? Yeah, like crazy. How is your relationship to it changed?

Like before we started, the listeners need to know, we were just like chatty Kathy's before. Oh my God, yeah. It was so good. Yeah. And you were talking about how, you know, you started TikTok and you got like a million followers in like a month. But that individual, that younger you who like started it as an escape to now, like, yeah, how has the relationship changed?

Such good question. I mean, it's changed a lot. When I first started YouTube and put myself on social media, there was no part of my brain that was like, this is going to be a job. I need to perform or be a certain way. There was no part of my brain because it's also that innocent still that you you have as a child that this is play. I'm going to do this for fun. Like, you know, this is for me, which all of us as adults, we lose that. And that's a lot of what I talk about and just think

about in life is how I need to tap back into that somehow. Yeah, with the new podcast. Yeah, exactly. Like I talk a lot about how life becomes and think a lot about how life becomes so serious that we actually lose playtime. And if anything, adults need that more than even kids because there's so much more that takes away playtime. We need to do a whole episode on this. Oh my God, I would love that. It's a deep personal philosophy of mine. I'm glad that you were great.

I would love that. I knew that as soon as we met, we would just hit it off. I love playtime. I honestly do so many episodes where like we talk about whimsy and fun. Same. Bingo. But I feel like when we're kids, you were talking about like you started YouTube as like this thing is an escape and also because it was fun.

Yeah. And now it's your job. Yes. Do you love it less? I do. If I'm going to be honest, I miss, I mean, social media, and I'm sure you can agree, has changed so much as a landscape. It's become, in an amazing way, it's become very legitimate now and it's become something that you can do, you know, financially. Like, I remember when it was like the Zoellas and stuff, how they kind of still weren't really taken that seriously. Or like, it was like, why is she so successful? I don't understand. Whereas now it's, you know, it's one of the biggest markets in the world, social media. But I miss the, I think this also just happens with growing up you become more self-aware of yourself and more aware of how people perceive you and how you perceive you and our external opinions and voices and that is really difficult and also when you become your work it's this really hard thing where where does Nikki Lilly start

and where does Nikki Lili and Nikki Lili obviously is still me my name is Nikki my middle name is Lily but in a way I've had to create a little bit of distance from both in order to hang her up at the end of the day and still be me. Nikki is me but it's also like to others an inspiring, more inspiring version of me. It's a more aspirational version of me, more positive as all of us are on social media. It's just a heightened version.

And it's been incredible because honestly I don't think there's many jobs if any I could have had with my circumstances except social media. So in that way it's been, you know, such a gift and I'm so, so lucky because having such unpredictable health, you know, tomorrow I could be in hospital, I just don't know. It would be incredibly hard for me to maintain a job for like a company, a normal nine to five. And so in that way, I'm so grateful that I've been able to, alongside my condition, do and have a job because that's what a lot of people with disabilities struggle with is that a lot of people have

to rely on others for that, unfortunately. And so I think how social media has changed for me is that I still absolutely love it. I think the hard part for me now is because I'm such an overthinker, because I'm such a perfectionist as we've been talking about. And I lack so much control in myself, I try and find that even more from my job because also my job is me. So it links back to that. I'm showing you feel the same.

And so the hard part is how do I make videos? that still fulfill that younger part of me that is just for fun, but also how do I make videos that perform well for my job? And that is the paradox that I deal with every single day. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure you feel the same. Yeah, I do. And it's just such a weird thing where you're like,

I want to keep parts of me private. But I also know that like we've gotten to the stage of social media where the only thing left that people care about is just like extreme vulnerability. Exactly. Because they're like, I've seen it all. all. I've seen it all. And we're like getting to like, I feel like like digging down and what everybody wants like the most vulnerable nugget of truth about you for them to consume. And sometimes I'm like, I don't really want to do that. That's why I like don't have TikTok because I was just like I just can't give over every single part of my life to an audience. Yeah. Especially since I've spent my whole 20s talking about what it's like basically documenting. You've chronicled your 20s. It's crazy. I know like two episodes a week. I talk about myself for two hours. It's getting a little bit boring at this point. But you know like. No, I get it. Do you know what I mean?

There's only so much like you can scrape the barrel. Have you ever considered quitting social media? I know you said it's this amazing job for you. But have you think a lot of us when we hit that burnout phase, and I've kind of been in it recently a lot, if I'm going to be honest. I don't think I've ever been more burnt out in my life. Really? Okay. Yeah, I don't know what it is.

I think that I've, what's been incredible is me being able to do things like the Oscars or like in two weeks I'm going to Cannes Film Festival or, you know, these massive moments speaking at the United Nations. I've done so many incredible things that I almost then go back to my baseline of life and I'm like, okay, what do I post now? What do I talk about now? I feel very lost in between those moments.

Even though I know what I need to do, I know what I need to talk about, but it's almost like there's this barrier mentally that I'm also like, I have so many ideas, I have so many thoughts, where do I start? And then that's when I start spiraling because I don't have a very logical brain. My brain goes straight to emotion.

So then it's kind of like me being like, maybe I'm just not cut out for this job. And then I watch videos on TikTok and it's like I can't enjoy the videos because I'm just comparing myself to maybe their engagement or maybe their idea. And so would I stop social media?

I mean, at this point, not in the near future. I still have so much that I want to do. And for me, it's such a special place. I found a community on it. It's given me a sense of purpose. It's given me a sense of control and reclamation of my life. But equally, it isn't a job that has much stability. And so that is the hard part is when in my life I want control and I search for it so deeply.

And then when you have a job that does not have the stability, I don't go into, in an amazing way, I don't have to go into an office five days a week or three days a week. But equally, I don't have to go into an office five days or three days a week. So then what do I do with myself? and I thrive off of routine and structure and stability because my life and my body is the complete opposite of that. So then when you're kind of chucked into this job that is so last minute, that is so unpredictable, that is so reliant on other people, you know, your followers or brands or whatever else it may be, but equally so reliant on you because you are the product, you are the thing. And the cog doesn't move unless you're the one moving it with this job. it is so hard to not compare.

And I think maybe it's like this delayed burnout where I've been doing this for so long. Like I'm only 21, but if you can, like a lot of people started social media in COVID, which was kind of the natural trajectory and now they're doing social media full time. I've been doing it for like over a decade.

And so because of that, I feel like I've had this delayed kind of burnout. I've always gone through phases where I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm really lost. I'm really uninspired. This, that and the other. like we all do with jobs.

You know, we always question what we're doing even if we love our job. We always think, like, is the grass greener over here? You know, what should I be doing differently? And it's always great to want to grow. But I feel like I really struggle to take in where I'm at and be happy with it. So I feel like at the moment, I'm having a little bit of like a, what am I doing with my life? What do I post? Where do I go?

What's important? What do people want from me? And it's almost then, like, paralyzing because I'm then like, I don't know where to go or what to do. And so I will always love social media And even if, you know, a few years down the line I decide that I want to be less involved In the social media aspect I would always, I think, want to do something camera facing

In some way. I feel like, you know, I've done so much work around advocacy To suddenly kind of, even though that would be completely fine To suddenly disappear, I think would be such a shame For the facial difference community And the, you know, disability community But there is a lot of times where I'm kind of like Is this right?

for me, am I doing this right? I don't know what I'm doing. So I'm a couple of weeks ago, I actually forced myself to leave London and I went to the countryside for like a couple of days of one of my friends. I saw that. Looked so cute. We literally were in like a shepherd's hut cabin in the middle of nowhere. I was like, where is that? No, honestly, we went to the new forest and it's kind of like a couple of hours outside of London. Absolutely loved it. We went into this small town and there were just donkeys on the pavement. Like they were pedestrians. It was amazing. So cute. So I need. I need. needed that because I think we can get so, it can feel like a rat race sometimes in this job.

And especially when I've been through a lot, it becomes a rat race and then some with all of the other stuff I've got on top. So I absolutely love what I do and I'm so grateful for what it's given me. You know, the fact that I went to the Oscars this year is insane. Like, could have never, ever, ever pictured myself in that room. But equally, I do all of these amazing things and then I kind of go back to reality and I'm like I don't know what to do with myself now because you're so kind of consumed when you're in the moment of that thing and then you go back to baseline I come back to London I go back home go back to my normal and I'm so happy showing my normal my normal has always actually been what's resonated most with people was my reality

of my life but then I'm like where do I what is the balance you know it sounds very like golden handcuffs yeah where it's like this is a great job dream job Yeah. I'm like supporting myself. I'm going to these amazing things, but also like, God, sometimes I would like a break. And the thing with social media is like there is no break. Yeah. Because that's the job, right? That that is the job. Can we talk about your comment section for a second? Yeah. Oh, my comment section. There was a video that you made last year that it was like a trend of people in your comments of cropping, cropping your face and only showing one side of your. your face, yeah, and then essentially like flipping it and showing your face without... Using AI to literally ask, like, prompt it to do that. Yeah, to like remove, to remove half of your face, to remove your visual differences. I'm still getting it today as well. Really?

God, people are awful. I know. Just how does it feel on people do that? It felt so dehumanizing. It was so weird because also it was on a video that was just a, trend. It was a photo of me when I was younger and then you swiped it. It was a photo of me now. And I think I got tens of thousands of comments all of a sudden of people, yeah, cropping the photo of me now to just show the left side of my face that doesn't have my condition

or commenting it and then saying wasted potential or the potential she could have had or Nikki, I've fixed it or commenting the photo of me where they'd got the like AR. I also like using AI for such a stupid thing to mirror my face so that it completely takes away that side of my face with my condition and then commenting it and saying, you look so pretty. Oh God. That's really sad. So sad. That makes me kind of emotional. That makes me really angry. Yeah. And it's like I've spent, it makes me emotional. I've actually felt emotional about it for a really long time. It's awful behavior. Yeah. I've spent my whole life. trying to accept myself, like, and hating myself, to be honest,

like my appearance, my life, my body, hating it all. No one has been, out of all of all of the hate comments, no one has said to me something that I've not said to myself from a young age. I felt so out of control and I felt so angry with myself and my body that it was almost going against me. And yet I was still having to live with it. My body and my appearance felt like my enemy. And I just couldn't comprehend it.

So the only thing I would do is self-hate. you know, all of that kind of stuff because it felt like controlled, like how, you know, what we all do. And so I've spent my whole life trying to accept the body and the face that I now have and my new reality and the fact that I don't look like an average person and see that as something that is not a negative thing. And I've internalised a lot of stuff growing up, you know, not looking the same as anyone in a room, constantly feeling like the black sheep or kind of othered and not being able to put

in a box and that making people. uncomfortable, being set out on the street from a very early age and therefore not wanting to leave the house because of that, being scared of kids my own age that you normally would go outside and play with because they would be the ones pointing and whispering. And so they basically undid all of that self-work that I've done and the trauma that I've kind of internalised growing up undid all of that work I'd done to get through that and heal from that just through their comments. And even though obviously I'm so aware, and always tell myself, like, I see hate comments and I was like, poor you. Like, you must have such a sad life to do that.

Like, that's what I was spending your time on. But this felt so personal. It felt completely different because you are going to the effort of screenshoting my face and cropping it and then commenting it and then, you know, captioning the comment or asking AI. You are going through steps to do this. Multiple points where you could say maybe this is a really awful idea. Exactly. you could question your conscience here. Even if you think that, even if you think, oh gosh, you would look so beautiful if both sides

her face look the same, which would be obviously a horrible thing. Why are you commenting it? Why do you think you're doing me a favour? That's what I found so confusing and difficult about the comments is everyone was structuring it and phrasing things when they were commenting these photos in a way as if they were helping me and in a way as if it was out of kindness and like they're a good person. a compliment. Do you think the thing where somebody's like, sorry, I'm like, you cannot even imagine why you would say that. Because it's not like you can change. No. And even if you could,

why? Why would you say that? So it's basically like, oh, my appearance isn't good enough for your ideas of what pretty is or what it means to be human. So you can erase that half. Yeah. That doesn't fit your standards. And it's also like, oh, you're not, all we care about is, I don't know, making or thinking of you as beautiful. And also, ignoring perhaps the side of your, of your, like, of your chronic illness that is, as we spoke about before. Yeah. Physically, emotionally, socially, really intense. Yeah. And all they're focusing on is wasted potential. Or it was like, um, oh, God, knew you'd be too good looking if my size of your face looked the same. So he had to do that to you.

Oh my God. So when you saw, see those comments, is it rage? is it sadness? Do you have a sense of like, I want to retaliate? Because I feel like those would all be very natural feelings. And I kind of did retaliate with this one. Yeah. I initially was like so confused. I was like, what is going on?

Like, how has this become a thing? Just this one post. It's just a video. Like, it's just a normal video. It's not even addressing my appearance. It's just literally two photos. And it's become a trend. Like, it was, I could not go into my comments

without seeing it. And if it wasn't on that video, it was on other videos. And it's like, then I couldn't even engage with people that were being nice and were my normal followers because of that.

It was a sea of it. And so initially I was just like, what is going on? Like, I couldn't comprehend it. Like, where it had come from, why people were doing this? And also, why is your brain going to doing that? So many people.

So many people. And I'm sure a lot of them are children, but that is not an excuse. That is not good enough for me. And so, initially it was confusion and then it was rage and I kind of took a break from social media for a week after it started happening and I sat with it and I wanted to do a video addressing it but I really wanted to kind of come back down from all of these really you know obviously we would

like to react and we would like to kind of do things in the moment and I was like I need to give myself a moment to actually work out do I want to give this time do I want to actually make a video addressing this because a lot of comments and haters just want your time and want to be recognized. So I was like, do I actually want to give this the time it doesn't deserve? But I thought this is an issue so much bigger than the comments. This is discrimination. And it's just not good enough. And so, you know, me being like a patron for face equality and all the stuff I do, it felt like I would be doing an injustice if I didn't talk about this. This is such a bigger issue than just me. Yeah. And so I did address it. And it was kind of a lot.

about saying like, kind of how dare you? And by you doing this, you are erasing half of me. And actually my condition makes me who I am. It's not who I am. I do things in spite of my condition. But my condition is the reason I am who I am today. It's completely changed me as a person. So by you're racing, that you're racing, what I've been through,

you're erasing, you know, all of the self-work that I've done in one comment, and you don't care. And before you posted that, did you talk to, like, your friends about it, your parents, and what did they say? I can imagine being your parent. They would be like, we don't want any more of this. Yeah, that's, yeah.

My mom was quite worried about me posting it. Yeah. Because also at the end I was like, get off my page. And she was like, oh, maybe you shouldn't say that. And I was like, well, no, get off my page, you know. I've never very outspoken like that. I've always been like I never get involved in,

not that this is drama, but I never get involved in controversy. I'm not controversial. I never get involved in drama. And if I speak about issues, it's because they are real issues. And so this felt like it was kind of leaping a little bit out of that box. But it was directly addressing something that I'd been through and an issue today of discrimination, not just a facial difference, but body type, colour, whatever it may be, but in my own way and how it has, you know, affected me. I filmed the video.

I kind of had a few talking points because I was like, I want this to be as dual-ended as possible. I want to adjust the fact that this isn't okay, but also kind of be like, get off my page, end it with a positive. So I really wanted to sit there and think, like, okay, how do I want to structure this? I kind of let myself just speak from the heart, but also I wanted to relay things in the best way I could. And I sent it to my friend, one of my best friends, and she was like, this is amazing. Post it. And when I posted it, I was so anxious, I was like, oh, no, maybe I should have posted it. And that video's got 10 million views on TikTok about me addressing it.

And thousands of comments on Instagram with people, you know, followers and people saying, I cannot believe people are doing this. And so if anything, it actually helped people, even now, if people comment that on my videos, other people say, why are you doing this? She said she doesn't like it and this isn't okay. So it's kind of created more allyship, I feel like, and also made people that don't have a facial difference

or a bodily difference, aware of a really big issue on social media. But it's also, it's down to the social media apps. They're not doing enough. And that's my constant, like, paradox as well. with using social media. So I'm like, you're not doing enough to support people like me. Also, they make so much money off of views, likes, engagement, off of the reputation that you give platforms of like,

you are somebody who goes to the Oscars, somebody who goes to Cannes, somebody who does this, you have legitimized social media as a business that benefits them and then they'll just let people tear into you and do nothing about it. So that's also really disheartening with, And I get it's such a big issue and it takes so many people to change almost the most minute thing when it's such a big company or, you know, tech. But equally, when this is such a big issue and it's so rampant in so many ways, not just for people's facial differences,

there should be more in place to give people more authority and more control over their accounts to be able to enjoy social media and enjoy posting and not fear the backlash. Because that is not free speech, that is hate and that is discrimination. Yeah, absolutely. I feel like you've handled that in just like the most amazing way. I tried. Yeah, I think you deserve a lot of credit for it. Thank you. That's fucking hard. Yeah. And you were like, well, you were what, 20 when that happened? Yeah, and it's also just such like an unforeseen thing. Like, I've never seen anyone deal with that at such a large scale. So I was also just like, I don't know how to deal with this, how to take this, how to respond. Yeah, now that you say it,

it's like I've never, I've never seen anything like that. No. And obviously, like, people get trolled when they've like in at the center of drama yeah or something's happened but for it to be that individual and personal and for you to be going through that at 20 and just being like completely like unprovoked like just a normal innocent TikTok yeah I'm glad people are a kind of now they can police it for you yeah and now they can be like get out get the fuck out of here exactly because I think that's the thing is there is I feel like we will have a lack of like allyship on social media and also in life i think we all need to be more supportive of one another and i completely get life happens and obviously you're focusing on like your shit and you know it's

always tunnel vision i'm like that but you shouldn't have to like people that are going through the issue whatever it is discrimination um misogy misogyny whatever it is they shouldn't have to be the ones that are constantly speaking about the issue it should be the people around them that are less affected by the issue that are also speaking about it and, you know, pushing that along and voicing it and amplifying the voice. So that's what I talk a lot about with, you know, facial difference advocacy is like being an ally is literally just supporting the message and saying like, this isn't okay or why are you doing that. And so that is one beautiful thing about what has come out of social media is as much as I can obviously say, this isn't good, this isn't

good. I obviously spend most of my life on it because it is my job. And so, there is a beauty in the community I've built. And also, I have gone from being stared out on the street because of my appearance only on face value, whereas when I was younger, whereas now I get stared out on the street mainly because people recognize me. Wow. So that's been a really beautiful shift. And is it nice as well to feel like if somebody's looking at you, you can be like, yeah, it's because of that. Yeah.

It's because of this other reason. Yeah, it's not always that. I'm not like, oh, you know me, like instantly. but I do feel like it's beautiful now because they'll make me see my condition and that's like how they know it's Nicky. But it's like they see Nikki. And I think that's what's beautiful is I've spent so much of my life only being seen as my condition, by doctors, by myself, by people on the street, peers, whatever it may be. It's been really beautiful to be able to change that narrative through what I do with especially kids and young people as like I am Nikki Lilly. Nikki, I'm not, oh, the girl with the medical condition.

Yeah. So when people recognize me now, they're just coming up to me and saying like, oh, I love you, please, can I have a photo? Oh, cool. And that's been really special because I spent so much of my life hiding myself. Like even now, I, from very early age, internalize, like, things to do when I walk past a big group of people. I would, like, do this and scratch my head to, you know, pretend that I've got an it

so it covers my eye when I'm going through a busy place. Like, I still do it. Really? Yeah. Wow. It's so internalized. You have the desire to help to make a real difference?

The College of the City you offer the program Dependence and Scenti Mental. Acquare the competences essential for accompany and support the people confronted to the difficulties of

and to build a career enrichisante to service of the community francophone of all the country. Donnay

of the quality in French, it's possible with the City. Visit Collage Lacit LacitonC. DEMENT,

an initiative of the Consortium National of Formation in Santet ...sought new moment it felt like it was going on forever. I didn't think I was going to live. I was terrified.

There was no anything inside those eyes. They turned black. It scared the hell out of me. That was your first murder case? Yes, sir. Fear to say this was the biggest case of your career? Yes, sir. Rape a murder for a child.

She's as bad as it gets. I would think so. People wake up. I'm the one of the one. and saw the murder take place by creveth and de pippo. Anthony DePippo showed no signs of remorse, appearing unfazed after being sentenced to the maximum. I said, I'm not guilty. I'll take it to the grief.

Listen to the devil's quarry on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And to hear the Devil's Quarry ad free with exclusive content, subscribe to LaVa for Good Plus on Apple Podcasts. Kotby host of the podcast, Joy 101 with Hoda Kotby. Together, we're going to have meaningful conversations with the world's most fascinating people, like when actress Olivia Munn shared how she overcame fierce health challenges. I've gone through breast cancer and then helped my mother through breast cancer,

and that was more difficult. There's a lot of people who understand postpartner depression. I was not prepared for postpartum anxiety. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotby on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And he's a ton of exciting because their new star is Javier Cichorino Hernandez. He's from Mexico. He was going to do shit. Everyone sees me as a football player.

But before anything else, I'm human. Every single day, I'm still learning how to live with problems, mistakes, relationships, emotions ever since I was born. And I still have so many questions. Where do we come from? What happens after death? How do you deal with cancellation? Cristiano or Messi? Do aliens exist?

What is love? Real Madrid or Varsa? From every day and ordinary to the deep and extreme. This isn't a normal podcast. Everything here is spontaneous, real, and genuine. This podcast is like a deep talk with your closest friends, where vulnerability comes out. Conspiracy theories end up on the table, and goals and lessons are shared. All in this life has an order perfect and everything is just.

Wait-in me, I'm here to put me going to be able to be able to be. The Chicharito. I'm Javier El Chicharito-R-Landes and together with Ica Radio. We're going to make the ordinary, extraordinary. Stay close. It is a carac. Wow. Listen to learning to be human on IHard Radio, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

Mainstream media is full of crude depictions of the unhoused, stories that shame and blame and paint the unhoused as a monolith. We The Un House is the podcast that's changing that. I'm Theo Henderson, creator and host. And for years, I've created a space where the unhouse and their advocates can tell their own stories. In the last few months alone, I've interviewed unhoused parents, immigrants, mutual aid organizers, veterans, the LGBTQTIA plus community, and the policymakers who make the laws that impact the unhoused existence. Woody Enhous is a two-time webby and signal award-winning show with many exciting guests on the

horizon. Tune in this week for my interview with Dr. Jill Whittler, a street doctor turned influencer whose work with the unhoused community has made a huge impact online. and in her community. Listen to Wey and Howls on the I-Hard Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. You went to the Oscars.

I know. Crazy. Crazy. Yeah. Do you want to talk about that? Let's do it. When you were there, did you have that impulse? I was so anxious about the Oscars because, firstly, I was like,

I'm not an actor, don't know why I'm here. Like, I had such bad imposter syndrome. Honestly, they invite so many people who are just doing amazing things in all different spaces. Exactly. So the Oscars have 25 spaces to fill every year that are outside of cast, crew, and, you know, other people that go to the Oscars. And I was one of those 25 globally. I think I was the only person from the UK. And so it's like you and your plus one, which is who'd you bring? Insane. I just brought my manager. Boring. I honestly, I, no offense to my manager,

I would have loved to have brung like a friend or a family member. But I knew that my manager would be the most supportive in that high pressure environment. Like, he can navigate the room for me because I knew that if I bring, like, a family member or a friend, I'm then having to worry about, okay, where do I need to go? Where is the carpet? Whereas, like, he can assert that because he is my manager. It's his job. Yeah.

Yeah. So I was like, you know what? It's probably the best idea to do that. But I brought my best friend with me to LA. Okay. So, like, the surrounding experience was with her. And we went to like an after party to get the, but. Which after party?

Elton John's after party. But he wasn't there. Wait, what? I know. He can't call it Elton John's after party if Elton John isn't there. Exactly. It's like calling it a Taylor Swift concert and she's not performing. No, honestly, I think he'd like, we got there pretty late because I had to go back to the hotel and like change because I couldn't have won that dress to the party.

The white dress. Yeah. It's gorgeous, by the way. Oh, thank you. It would have gotten dirty, though, I feel like. Exactly. Even the bottom of it was getting dirty. Just went off on the street.

Who were you wearing? So it's a brand called Lou Chen. She actually has a dress in the Met Gala this year, which I was. is pregnant. Whoa, cool. She turned that dress around in a week. Go and look up this dress. It's mind-blowing.

It's like a wedding dress level of just like crazy couture beauty. Yeah, it's, I don't know how she did it. I was kind of anxious because I've never done a custom dress before. And obviously, when you're doing something like that, you have to wear that dress. Someone spent their time and their effort on it. Yeah, you can't just go and get something else. No, but I'm so used to having options and options make me feel safe because I'm like, we've got plan A, plan B, plan C.

So for this, it was like, I was putting all my eggs in one basket and being like, well, this is what I'm wearing? And because it was the Oscars, I was like, but what if I don't like it? What if it's not perfect? It was perfect. And I couldn't have been happier with it. And because it was custom, I can now keep it. So I can, if I ever have children or like, whatever, I can be like, this is what I wore to

the Oscars. It's like my wedding dress. Oh my God. That is the coolest freaking thing. Yeah. Because normally you don't get to keep the dress. You have to give it back. Exactly.

Yeah. That's the thing I don't think people get is like. Like everything you're giving back, like, if you're not a brand. They ain't for you. No. But, yeah, the Oscars was phenomenal. I, like, I blacked out. I was so anxious from the moment I, to be honest, from the moment I woke up that day.

I was so anxious. I woke up at 7 a.m. Because I had to be ready by midday. Wow. Really early. The Oscars is like, you're sat by four for the, you know, for the Oscars. So you have to get there. It takes an hour because of the traffic because they shut down L.A.

Yeah, because where is it? Is it the Chinese? It's the, I think it's the Dolby Theater. be theatre. Yeah. So it's like a big, I mean, St. Oscar's a massive deal. But I was so anxious. Like, I was, we were in the car on the way and I was like, I can't do this. Like, I was, I thought I was going to be sick. Really? No, honestly, I, whenever I do something like that, it may seem like, can or whatever, it may seem like I'm fine. I am like having the biggest panic attack of my life inside. Really? I black out. In the car. I blacked out from the

moment. I got in the car on the way there to the moment we sat down. Like the whole of the red car, it I barely remember. Okay, the fact that you cannot remember and you, the, you looked that amazing, just because like the poses you, like, you were like, your body took over and you, like, I know exactly how to look. I don't really. Yeah. I don't know what did. But I think my body almost went into like, fight, flight, or freeze and it's just like, okay, we need to get through this. Or four and you were like, I know exactly what I'm doing. Yeah, no, I blacked out. But I think whenever something like that happens, all I want is for it to just go well and everything to a line and because there was such a big buildup, I knew since November I was going. I actually

couldn't, it kind of did for like a wedding where it's like, you know there's this massive date and this massive day and you're kind of like, everything needs to work out so this all kind of goes smoothly and, you know, this could be the one time I do it in my life, like a wedding, so let's make it count. Yeah. So I was just like, please let everything go well for me for once. And it did. It couldn't have gone better than I imagined. And it was honestly amazing. Like we had such amazing seats and I could see like the back of Timothy Shannamay's head like yeah okay wait wait wait I have I have three follow-up questions are you ready number one what did you eat what do they give you on terms of food and drink okay so when you're there in the theatre they give you a snack box

under your under your chair and it had like chocolate in it it had popcorn in it and it has a drink that's all you get for the ceremony but it's like the oscar snack box um oh my god I found this new chocolate that I was obsessed with and then I couldn't find it anywhere that I It's a cut. Snow caps. So their chocolate chips covered in sprinkles. And you just, like, pull them out and they are insane. So I finished, like, because I hadn't eaten all day.

Whenever I'm anxious, I don't eat. Yeah. It's like, my body is like, you can't eat until this is done. It's like it just tenses up and freezes up. I'm like the opposite of, like, a comfort eater. I'm like, I can't eat when I'm stressed. So I ate at, like, midnight that night. But so you get a snack box, and that's just it at the Oscars,

because obviously you're not on tables. You're, like, in a theater, like a cinema. And everyone that's so funny, like, at the front, they're all there eating their snacks in between, like, the main... Like, Timothy Shalmers, like, eating his snow caps. Yeah, there's this photo of, like, Teana Taylor, who's an actress. And she's got, like, her snack box, like, on the floor. And she's, like, in this, like, photo. And it just makes it all seem so much more, like, funny and real light.

I mean, people got to eat, you know? That is crazy because I was, like, and it's a long. It's, like, four hours, right? Very long. But after, they have something called the Governor's Ball. and it's like in a separate room and that's where the Oscars winners get their name engraved on their Oscar

because obviously they don't know who's going to win so they only put it on after. The spread of food was crazy. So they have Wolfgang Puck, who's a chef, like, do all the food. And it was like tables of food. They had a whole dessert table. They had a whole hot food table.

They had a whole ice cream section. And I feel like I didn't enjoy it probably because I was in this white dress. Like I cannot get anything on this. Yeah, you can't. I've got a full face of makeup and I've got extensions and this is not the vibe to be like indulging in food. Dude, I love how I'm like, so what was, what are you eating? Also, if somebody's... I mean, I had a little burger. I sat down. I had a burger and I had a hot dog and I had an ice cream.

Yeah. But it was so funny. Me and my manager were like perched on the end of this sofa with like some Oscars winners and the Oscars was just on the table. We were just like sat in silence and I was just eating my burger. Oh my God. Well, this brings me to my next question. So first question was food was good, but you didn't really have much. because you were anxious. What I had was good. Yeah, you had a little, a little bit. A little bit. Who were you the most shell-shocked to meet?

So I didn't meet that many people because when you do the carpet especially, you're given time slots to go on. Yeah. So it kind of runs like a well-oiled machine. It's like, you know, a smooth run, not like a massive cure of people on the carpet. I was really, like, excited to meet, you know, Amelia de Moldenberg, who does chicken shop date because she does the interviews on the carpet. So that was really cool.

Did you like to do you with her? Yeah. I did one which is really... Oh my God. And like the Academy, like, posted it and it was crazy. So that was really cool. That's very full circle. But McKenna Grace, who's an actress.

She's going to be in the New Hunger Games. She's going to be Daphne in like Scooby-Doo. She's in Five Nights of Freddy, so many other things. She's amazing. She's like a young actress. She's 19, which is... She is also the girl who was like, she was every single younger version of any blonde character in every single movie.

Yeah, that's so true. I think she's been in like the most franchised films ever. Yeah. I can imagine. She's what a life. Like the American young actors and actresses, I don't know what they're eating. I know what they're doing. It's just different.

Yeah. But she was so sweet. She came up to me. And again, I was like, I'm not an actress. I don't know what I'm doing here. Like, you know, did the carpet. I was so anxious for the carpet as well because it was my first ever carpet in the US period. So I was like, I don't know, with my appearance, I don't know how the photography.

are going to perceive me. I don't know how the press is going to take me or respond to me. Yeah, I was just very anxious. It was the same when I went to Cannes and I was like, I don't know what it's going to be like on the carpet. I just, you don't know. It's not familiar. But everyone was so lovely and they had like a crowd of like young people who

were like cheering for everyone that came in. So when I walked in, they were like cheering for me. And I just did not know what to do with myself. I was so awkwardly like. And they probably knew who you were as well. Yeah. But for me, I'm like, oh, they were cheering for everyone. It's not me.

You know, I'm just like that. But McCrani Gray, sorry, back to that. Yeah. She came up to me and was like, hi, I just want to say, like, me trying to do an American accent of her. Hi, I just want to say, I love your videos. And I was like, because I really wanted to go, you know who I am, but I was like, let me not do that.

Let me, you know, act like I can meet her on that level. So I was like, oh my God, thank you so much. She looked like a princess because she did. She had this amazing pink dress. And then we were just saying it was so hot because that day it was 35 degrees, see? And it was outdoors carpet. We were all in like the most heavy dresses

full face and makeup dying. All of the Oscar's workers had like those neck fans around them. Oh my God, the Dyson. It was, yeah, it was so hot. So we were like, are you dying? Yeah, are you dying? Yeah. She was so sweet.

We spoke for a few minutes and I was like, how are you feeling? She was like, I'm really nervous, but I'm excited to be here. I'm just so sweet. and that was something that was so crazy because I also forget people, obviously I know I've got a lot of followers, but you do just, I'm sure you feel the same,

you do just think that as a number. You forget every one of those are people, and those people aren't just in the UK or Australia, they are all across the world. So then when she said, like, oh, I love your videos, I was like, you're in America, you're an incredible actress, and you know who I am, it was this really strange, like, and also the fact that, like, what I think acting is such a legitimate job

and sometimes doing social media can feel a little bit less legitimate or like real or like important and so for me it was this really weird thing where it's like she recognized what I was doing and kind of validated it and then that gave me a bit of like confidence I think yeah so she was she was like the one so sweet yeah so the Elton John after party was fun very very fun did you see anybody cool there so there's a series I'm obsessed with called tell me lies I've heard about this somebody told me to watch this yesterday I feel like you should watch it because there's a lot of psychological stuff in it. I feel like you'd be like, yeah, he's got this wrong with him.

Like, I feel like you'd really enjoy it. Is it like reality TV? No. Oh, okay, okay. Oh, it's amazing. You should watch it. So some of the cast was there. And I wasn't like, I was too, I'm not, I don't really drink at all, but I was too

sober to go up to them and like, be like, hi. Yeah. Because I was so anxious. I like didn't, you know, during anything that day. But yeah, we saw them. Who else did we see? We saw. Milo Mannheim, who's going to be the new Flim Rider in The Tangled that's coming out.

Dude, you just got the full young Hollywood show. That was exactly it. It was all of the young Hollywood, like, people, which is really crazy. My best friend, like, Alicia, who... She came with you, right? She came with me. We snuck her in. She's obsessed with Miano Mannheim.

She was like, oh my God, Nikki, Nicki, Nicki. And I was like, go up to him. And then she was like, Nikki, he just touched me to get, like, to go through the... Oh, my God. And I was like, going up to him, she was too scared. So it was basically both of us, fan-girling, you like, no, you go up to them, no, you go up to them, no, you go the whole night.

And I'm so glad you just got to have that experience. And you were like the prayers for the health or whatever. Like, that is exactly here. I don't know if prayer is the right way, but just like the good ormonds. Whatever is out there, it was just like everything aligned. And I was so grateful. But I do feel like my nervous system was like, what the fuck has like happened today? Yeah.

Like, and so the day after we actually left LA and went to Malibu. be beach and I feel like I needed that to just like reground myself yeah um to get out of like LAA L.A and just be by some nature like some water and just kind of a little bit every time I'm in L.A I feel that way yeah and you were in like the most L.A situation that you could possibly find yourself truly truly the Oscars other than maybe like a coachella a pre-Cochelope oh yeah it's one of those things where it's like oh I imagine doing a carpet in America and that first carpet being like the biggest carpet ever yeah it's I feel like this is the thing I have a feeling I have this feeling a lot where I'm like fuck I'm doing all the cool

stuff when I'm like in my 20s like I need to I don't want to slow down but like I want to save some stuff for later I feel like you probably have the same experience do you feel like you are actively present and acknowledging the success as you have no because I'm the same as you I'm going to confidently say that I'm the same as you and then I'm constantly like okay what's next I need to like evolve yeah And I think also I just like never expected it to be to ever be anywhere near anyone famous ever. Like I was like I'm going to be like a researcher. So I still try and like always just remember myself as like a researcher and somebody who's interested in the science. Because that's the thing, isn't it?

When you start like even for me, when I started becoming aware of the numbers or of the certain people follow me, it was like, oh, can I put this video out because blah blah blah follows me? or blah blah blah might see this. I don't ever think about it that way. Yeah, that's what I have had to learn. You have to just post. I know. I did it for a while.

I think with episodes I used to really think about it. And now I'm just like, whatever. I'm just like to remember that like this is just a job and I'll have many jobs. So I'll just like do it. While I'm having fun, I'll have fun. Exactly. Whilst it's working, it works. That's the way to see it.

Yeah. Pride is like love. You feel it. in your heart. IR. Radio, Canada's number one streaming app for radio and podcasts, including IHart Pride Canada, your favorite hits and must have party bangers, plus personalized and curated playlists like back in the day pride. Come together, celebrate love. Take pride with you anytime, anywhere. Just ask your smart speaker to play IHartPride, Canada. Stream us on your phone, or listen now at iHartRadio.ca. In the moment, it felt like it was going

forever I didn't think I was going to live I was terrified there was no anything inside those eyes they turned black it scared the hell out of me that was your first murder case yes sir fair to say this was the biggest case of your career yes sir rape the murder for a child just as bad as it gets i would think so people wake up i'm the woman saw the murder take place by crevette And DePippo. Anthony DePippo showed no signs of remorse, appearing unfazed after being sentenced to the maximum. I said, I'm not guilty. I'll take it to the grief.

Listen to the devil's quarry on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And to hear the devil's quarry ad free with exclusive content, subscribe to Lava for Good Plus on Apple Podcasts. Hey, I'm Hoda Kotby, host of the podcast, Joy 101 with Hoda, Kotby. Together, we're going to have meaningful conversations with the world's most fascinating people. Like when actress Olivia Munn shared how she overcame fierce health challenges. I've gone through breast cancer and then helped my mother through breast cancer and that was more difficult. There's a lot of people who understand postpartner depression. I was not prepared for postpartum anxiety. Listen to Joy 101 with Hoda Kotby on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you get your podcasts. is Jeterito Hernandez. Everyone sees me as a football player, but before anything else, I'm human. Every single day I'm still learning how to live with problems, mistakes, relationships, emotions ever since I was born. And I still have so many questions.

Where do we come from? What happens after death? How do you deal with cancellation? Cristiano or Messi? Do aliens exist? What is love? Real Madrid or Varsa? From everyday and ordinary

to the deep and extraordinary. This isn't a normal podcast. Everything here is a special. spontaneous, real and genuine. This podcast is like a deep talk with your closest friends, where vulnerability comes out. Conspiracy theories end up on the table, and goals and lessons are shared.

All in this life has an order perfect and everything is just. Wait me, I'm going to be pressuram, but me will go to be able to be connect. The Chicharito. And Javier Al-Garito. And together with IHA Radio, we're going to make the ordinary, extraordinary, extraordinary. Stay close. It's a crack.

Wow. Listen to learning to be human on IHard Radio, Apple Podcast. for wherever you get your podcast. Here's something that should not be as complicated as it is, getting a racist statue removed. And here's something that should be a whole lot easier than it is, getting a new one put up in its place. As long as there's a politics of race in America,

there's going to be a politics of remembering the Civil War. To get to school, I had to go down Robert Lee Boulevard. Get to the grocery store, I had to go down Jefferson Davis Parkway. If you're an historian and you leave out half of what the history is, you're not doing your job. I'm Akila Hughes, and Rebel Spirit Season 2 goes deep on both of those things. The fights, the politics, the people who won, and my personal campaign to add something to the Kentucky State House that's actually worth the wall space. We are more than our bodies. We contain essence. We contain spirit.

How do you represent that? They are just fueling a fire that is really catching. You'll see what I mean. Listen to Rebel Spirit Season 2 on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever. you get your podcasts. Speaking of which, you have launched a new podcast called Live a Little. Live a little. Live a little.

Yeah, we were just talking about it before we started. And when did you start the podcast? So we started it, well, I started it in early December. It's been something that I've wanted to do for a very long time. I was actually supposed to start a podcast pre-COVID. And then COVID happened. And then the podcast company was like no longer a thing. And it just didn't end up happening.

And also that was like then for, COVID was kind of three or four years on and off. And so by that point, my experiences, my perspective, my age had all completely changed. I'm, you know,

now out of school. I'm a young adult. Like my self-awareness has changed. My interests have changed, priorities, all of that stuff. So I was like, okay,

what does a podcast look for me now? And I'm so, someone, and I know you're the same where I would only do something if it feels right. Yeah. And I think a lot of social media

has become doing stuff just because, like, oh, I'll just start a podcast. You know, why not if the opportunity is there? And not to say that, you know, if you want to do that, go for it. But I knew that, like, the time had to be right for me to start when I had to have something to say. Otherwise, what is the point? I have to, like, in a lot of my life, in a great way and in a bad way, I really struggled to do anything if it doesn't feel fulfilling or purposeful.

And that can almost hit me, you know, hit me in the bad way because I'm then, like, searching for that in every single thing I do. And then I'm like, Nikki, this can just be a thing. It doesn't need to be like this massive impact or this massive purposeful thing or fulfill you in a certain way. Obviously everything should hopefully fulfill you in life that you do. But for me, the podcast just felt like it was right. And I feel like I was so, again, with all the short form stuff, all the you need to hook this, you need to optimize that. Like we were talking about, I needed something that felt like a breath of fresh air.

I needed something that felt like an escapism back to kind of my YouTube roots where I just sit and talk to a camera. Yeah. And it's funny. it's like as soon as you have a microphone and a camera in front of you, the honesty is just coming out. I don't know what it is. It unlocked something in you. And so for me, Live a little was from an idea of a lot of my life, I have felt very alone and I've not had that friend that gets me.

And there's been so many things I ruminate over and I've had no one to discuss them with. So it's my idea of like the listener is the friend. And we can be that for each other. It's a 3am chat you have at a sleepover or the call you have with your friend or the deep introspective chats or the like cringe chats or the, like, cringe chats or the, embarrassing conversations. And so I've done episodes about like romanticising what alone time looks like and how I've spent a lot of my time alone. So I saw it as a negative thing and how to make it more purposeful now. You know, learning to play again as an adult like we were talking about

and like what that looks like because adults, you know, we forget that playtime is so important even more. So Live a Little was the idea that I've lived so much life in the things I've done that we've talked about, you know, as like the youngest person to get an BAFTA and I got an Emmy when I was like 15, these crazy things. But then I've lived so much little life in my childhood. I didn't really have one from six years old at all. I became like 60 when I was six years old. And, you know, just normal life experiences or independence I don't have. So it's that idea. But equally, just life is short and life can be so serious at times. So we all need to just live a little because tomorrow's not promised. So it's just exploratory. It's supposed to feel comforting. A lot of the

people I have on. It's like not really about I've had actors on, advocates on, um, musicians on, um, and activists. And it's mainly about, of course, what they do, but who they are. Outside of what they do. It's like meant to humanize people because I think so much of life now is either people dehumanizing one another, social media can feel, you know, so unrealistic and so comparative at times. It's like, let me bring you back to us. So we'll like sit on the floor. I take my shoes off. And it's like, you know, it's very rare you see like actors in that kind of setting. Yeah. Like shoes off, like cross-legged on a like a little sofa thing. Yeah, just chilling. It's really good. You should go and watch it. So I should listen to it. With that in mind,

what is my final question? What's something really big that you want to achieve in the next 10 years? What a question. I mean, there's so many things. I think I would really love to have more, based on what we've been talking about, more stability, like personally in my life and in my job. and feel really content and stay safe and stable with it. That's something I'm still kind of, you know, I feel like I'm constantly peddling on a bike and I need to just figure out, like, what the baseline is and hopefully be able to roll with that.

But outside of that, I think it's, you know, with all of the facial advocacy I do, we still have such a long way to go. It's incredible that I've been able to be in spaces that have, you know, in the past not been that inclusive, aka the Oscars, can film festival. I could go on. And so for me, a massive part of what I do is the advocacy and it's the showing up.

I always say that one of my biggest dreams is to work with like a game or like a toy, like a Barbie and create a Barbie with like a facial difference. Oh my God, let's make that fucking happen. I know. That's my dream. That is such a great dream. I've been like talking about it for so long. I'm like Barbie. They just did an autistic Barbie.

It's amazing. And I feel like last year they did another. They did like a diabetic barbie. Yeah, diabetic. Syndrome Barbie. So many different ones, a blind Barbie. So I feel like, of course, every facial difference is different. That's the whole point.

But I feel like it would be so incredibly special. I never saw myself in anything growing up. And it's not to say that only people with facial differences should play with this Barbie, but it's just a Barbie. And I think so much of kids learning comes from play and comes from exposure to things. And toys are such an incredible way to teach kids about things before you can verbalize. them and make sense of them through words. And so for me, that would be incredible, like, either with a Barbie or a Lego or, like, maybe

it's like a Sim character, Sims character that has a facial difference. Like, that is my dream is to enter other spaces, which just make it feel so, like, mainstream and normal. So I think that would be an incredible thing. I would love to continue doing documentarial work. Like, in my past, I did, like, a lot of documentaries about my life and presenting. So I would love to continue doing that. ever since I was little, like, I mean, I'm definitely not like a, look at me, like I'm not that kind of person.

I am pretty introverted, but ever since I was little, I loved pretending I was on TV and I loved, like, that world and I loved, it was my escapism, you know, because I didn't see myself in toys or TV, so that would be my world in which I existed. So I'd love to continue with that. And hopefully with what I can do, there's power in numbers. So hopefully the more I can do, the more it opens the door to other people being able to do it. I mean, even at the Met Gala this year, there was like a lot more people with disabilities there, which was so incredible to see. I saw who was the girl who was in the Hunger Games, sleeping. I'm terrible with names. So am I. Okay, well, look it up. She was the first of a wheelchair user to attend the Met Gala.

That's what I mean. And I was like, that's fucking cool. And also kind of crazy, that's the first person. I know, right. I read that and I was a bit like, great, but also what? Yeah, I was like, that's, that's, that's. quite insane. Yeah.

It was even like, I would touch on it quickly, but last September I walked in Paris Fashion Week for a brand. And it was like one of the first times that there's been someone with a proper facial difference walking show in Paris Fashion Week. And I closed it and Vogue runway was like, Nicky was the best part of the show. Oh my God. It was craziness.

What? That's so cool. But again, it's like so incredible, but also. why is this good thing, you know? Yeah. So it's just, I want things to just feel normalized. And I think sometimes people that don't have facial differences or differences think that we want to be like having special treatment.

But it's honestly, we just want to be able to be in the room without it feeling either tokenized or like we've had to like kick down 10 doors while someone else has kicked down or just slightly open one to get through it. Also, it's so funny to me that it's like, you guys want special treatment. And it's like, well, we just aren't quality. Yeah. It's also just like, but you guys have all the. the treatment. So like, aren't you getting the special treatment? Like people like me would have

not people like me. People though like have walked fashion runways like do you know what I mean? That's it. Asking for one small thing is not special treatment. No. 99% goes to what I'm and it really wouldn't take that much. Yeah, exactly. Things to, you know, change. Yeah. But it's people wanting to make the change. Yeah. Yeah. I want to walk a fashion runway. Oh my God. Let's do it. We do it together. I think I'll leave it to you. I think you're the professional. I think you're... Hey, maybe in 10 years. You never know. Yeah, we'll see. Yeah, we'll see.

We'll see. Well, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Did you enjoy our chat? I have loved this. This has felt like therapy. Oh, I'm so bad. In the best way. Oh, good. Like, it's felt so, like, cathartic and I could talk to you for hours. I just know our brains work in really similar ways. Oh, my God. It's actually been hard to not be like, oh. Yeah, I know.

I know. I'm like jumping in, like, as if we're all friends. I'm always like that was like my pod. When I'm talking to people, I'm like, rain it in, rain it in, rain it in. So like, let them finish. Yeah. And I also have this terrible habit where I'm like, mm-hmm. Same.

Because you want to, like, show them you're acknowledging. Yeah. But then you also like, or I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, just sorry. I don't know. People always leave comments on my episodes being like, shut up. And I'm like, I know, but I'm just so in, like, because that's what you would do if like it was your friends.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Well, I'm so glad. I'm going to leave links to live a little everything else. If you enjoyed the chat, even if you didn't, go and follow Nikki anyways, because she has amazing things to say. Her videos are also just cool. Thank you.

You should share behind the scenes of just like amazing things that you're doing in life and also the every day. Don't forget that this episode is also on Netflix. If you want to go and check it out, you can also follow us on Instagram at That Psychology podcast. And as Nikki mentioned in the beginning, we have a substack. Also, the psychology of your 20s, which you can go and check out right now. Thank you for listening.

Be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon. There was no anything inside those eyes. They turned black. It scared the hell out of me. Evil, wake up. I'm the one that saw the murder take place by Krivac and DePippo. Anthony DePippo showed no signs of remorse,

appearing unfazed after being sentenced to the maximum. I said I'm not guilty. I'll take it to the grave. Listen to the devil's quarry in the Bone Valley Feed on the IHeart Radio app. Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Joy is essential and it's also elusive. But now, there's a new and exciting way to start your journey toward a more joyful existence. Joy 101. It's a new podcast hosted by me, Hoda Kotby.

If you're craving inspiration to maximize your joy, tune into these candid, uplifting, and moving on-air chats. Open your free IHeart Radio app. Search Joy 101 and listen now. Joy 101 with Hoda Kotfi is presented by CVS. Everyone sees me as a football player, but before anything else, I'm human. Every single day I'm still learning

how to live with problems, mistakes, relationships, emotions ever since I was born. This isn't a normal podcast. Everything here is spontaneous, real, and genuine. Just honest, conversations about what it means to be alive. I'm Javier El Chicharito Hernandez and listen to Learning to Be Human on IHard Radio, Apple Podcasts, or whatever you get your podcast. Your husband is not who you think he is. Your body is not what you thought it was.

Your identity is formed by a secret history. I'm Danny Shapiro. And these are just a few of the stunning stories I'll be exploring on the 14th season of Family Secrets. He kind of shoved me out of the way and said, move. And he went out the front door and he jumped in a car and drove off. and that was the last time I saw him. Listen to season 14 of Family Secrets on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. For years, the Un-House have been presented as a monolith in mainstream media. Weed-N-Haus is a podcast that's changing the narrative. I'm Theo Henderson, and I created the show

while I was Un-Housed on the streets of Los Angeles. We've grown into a two-time Webby Award-winning podcast. The only podcast that shares Un-House stories and news from the unhoused perspective.

Listen to Weythian House on the IHard Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. This is an IHart podcast, guaranteed human.