The Psychology of your 20s - 461. 10 things I NEEDED 21 year old me to know

Episode Date: September 24, 2026

If I could sit down with my 21-year-old self, there are a few things I would definitely want to say. Today, I'm going to say them, like 'don't even THINK about moving in with that guy, use your savings account, care less about grades' and a few more. I also asked you guys, the listeners, about your biggest regrets from your early 20s so we can all learn from each other (how nice is that). Watch on Netflix: HERE We discuss: Why the right relationship should expand your life, not shrink it Why you shouldn’t rush into adulthood Financial avoidance and learning to actually save Why audacity can matter just as much as hard work Caring less about grades and more about experience Why nobody can tell you exactly how to live your 20s Happy listening and drop yours below! Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [e-mail]  The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Visit bell.ca for more details and to check availability. Bell, connection is everything. Lisa? Tell them about our new show. We have a new podcast. It's called Don't Lie to Me. I'm Lexi Youanu. We're two best friends, 22 years apart, but so close at heart. And I'm Lisa Di Giulio, the old one, which means we have wildly different references, occasionally different opinions, and at this point in my 50s, I've lived it all.

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This season on my podcast, here's the thing I talk to actor Stephen Root I'm a people watcher You see that guy going down the ring though Yeah, I can use that And Open Igloo co-founder Alia Muhammad I love staying on top of what is going on in our city What is on renter's minds

And taking all of that knowledge to build a platform that hopefully is going to make New York City better in the long run. Listen to Here's the Thing on the IHeart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody. I'm Gemma Spike and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. to the podcast and thank you for tuning in as we break down another episode on the psychology of our 20s. So this is more of a personal episode. I guess there's been something on my mind recently or something I've been really contemplating in the last few months is that I've spent

my entire 20s essentially recording my life and kind of bringing you guys on this journey with me over the past five to six years. I've recorded nearly everything that has happened to me, every experience that I've had all my life lessons since I was 20, 21. And last week, you know, I had the privilege now of being able to listen back to these episodes. And I listened back to an episode I made right at the beginning in December 2021, like the first year I was making this podcast. And I recorded this episode titled The Psychology of Big Life Changes. At the time, I was just about to move to Sydney. I had just graduated university. I was heartbroken. I didn't know what I was doing. I don't, did I have a job? I don't know. I don't think I did. And there was so much advice that I wanted

to give this version of myself as I listened to this episode. And it really got me thinking, what advice would 31, 32, 33 year old Gemma have for me now during this chapter? There's just so much that doesn't become apparent until you've lived through something. And I cannot tell what 32-year-old me is thinking of this episode or any of the other episodes that I make, but I do know what I would have told my younger self at the time listening back to that episode. And as I thought about it more, I thought it would make a really interesting topic and a really interesting kind of exercise to think. If I was going to tell her, you know, five, six, seven things, what would they be? What would I scream at her?

And I guess also, what would I tell you guys? So somebody who's a little bit younger than me listening to this episode, who's in their early 20s about how to make the most of like this next chapter in their life. I made so many mistakes in my early 20s. And if I'm being honest, I would do about 90% of them again. And then there are some that I wouldn't do. This list contains a bit of a mixture. It contains all these things that I really think were the biggest lessons.

I took from this time in my life that was just chaos and there was nothing really that I could hold on to and yet I've made it through and this like, I don't know if I would call it wisdom, this loose wisdom than I have is like kind of all I had to show for it. And I just wanted to share those lessons with you. And also I wanted to hear perhaps what you guys would say to your younger selves. If there was something that you could literally grab younger you by the shoulders and be like, just listen to me. I'm from the future. Don't do this, do that. Please think differently about this experience. What would it be? Here is my list. Feel free to share your own. Without further ado, let's get into it. Let's start off with number one. These days, you guys know, I am in like the most

amazing relationship. I love my boyfriend. I kind of understand all those funny sayings people used to have in movies where they would be like, you know, he's, he's my best friend and like, I fall in love more every single day. And like, that idea of like puppy love, like I get it. And it genuinely, it's gagworthy sometimes. I'm sorry. But he truly is like just the best. He's so principal. He's so funny. He's the best person I know. Now, before this relationship, I had some shockers. If you've listened to me for a while, you'll know that. I documented them on this very podcast. And the biggest thing I took away from it. And the first thing, my 21-year-old self would be hearing from me and would be getting an earful about if I could talk to her right now

would be that the right person will never force you to compromise your friends. Period, full stop, never, ever, ever. They will never make you choose between them or me. And the right relationship should never put you in a position where you are willing to go against your deeply held loyalties and your deeply held bonds with these people for, a man, a woman, or a romantic relationship. Now, this is a lesson I learned. I learned it way too late. And it's part of those rare 10% of mistakes I would not make again and I would choose to do differently if I could and if I knew better. Now, does that mean your partner has to become best friends with all your best friends? No, like that's obviously nice. You would hope they would get along. I don't think that's necessary.

I don't think that they need to be buddy, buddy, buddy. But what they shouldn't be doing is getting in your ear and like bad. bad-mouthing these people and judging you for spending time with them or using manipulative tactics. So, you know, guilt or shame or the silent treatment to get you to prioritize them and them only. And I don't think they should be in your ear saying nasty things about these people and you certainly shouldn't be listening. I think it's also true what they say that, you know, the right person should bring out the best in you. And that's not the best if they make you or turn you against your friend. Friends, plural.

There is this idea in psychology known as the self-expansion theory of love. It was coined by Arthur and Elaine Aaron in the 1980s. And it essentially says being in love is a pathway to personal expansion, one of many pathways, but a pathway, because the best aspects of somebody else get incorporated into our own self-concept. And that results in deeper self-knowledge. Yeah, there were a lot of relationships that did the opposite. They did not expand me. They shrunk me.

They made my world smaller. made me hate myself. And a lot of that came down to the influence they had on my friendships and the friendships that they caused me to lose because they wanted me to prioritize them. So Younger Jemma, listen to me right now. Run as far away from these people as you can and as soon as possible. So that's number one. That's the first thing she would she would be hearing from me about. Second, please do not try and play house with somebody before it is your time. Again, another love-based one, but why in the world did I contemplate or even think for a second that moving in with my boyfriend at 21 was going to be a good idea?

Why did I seriously think? Yeah, I think it's totally about time that I start settling down. This man is totally my forever. This seems comfortable. This feels like the right adult step. Why did I think that? I have a lot of grace for that version of me. I think a lot of us feel drawn towards this kind of move because

we kind of want to appear older than we are, especially in our early 20s, and we particularly want people around us adults to take us seriously and to see our relationships is important. So one way that we do that is that we mimic what we see or saw them doing or what we think is socially correct. And we try and force these adult moves too soon. You know, there is this deep social conditioning that your life begins when you find a partner and you move in with that person and you fall in love with that person and you are forever now and like you are this partnership. You and them are not separated. But I really do believe that the ability to have independent experiences before you make this

move is insanely, insanely important. I'm a firm believer that everything has its time and you really do have to focus and appreciate the chapter you are in right now rather than speeding towards the next milestone faster than you need to get there. If you're 21 and there is no legitimate or legal or important reason for you to move in with your partner, do not do it. Don't do it. I had a friend who moved in with somebody when she was 18. They got a mortgage and they got a cat and when they broke up, she was 26. And it's one of those typical things where, I don't know if you've noticed this, I'm sure you have, where like after two people break up, suddenly like all the problems and

difficulties they were having the entire time, like, come out into the open. And she kind of admitted, you know, I, at 18, I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to be with this person forever. But playing house and having this kind of domestic bliss relationship was something that I imagined for myself since I was a kid. And it felt fun at the time. And then soon I realized that this, I was in too deep. Another thing she mentioned to me, and this has stuck in my brain since she said it, is that, you know, it was like she had skipped an entire developmental period of her life. An entire chapter in her life was done. You know, everybody else was able to have these solo experiences and they were able to have the opportunity to live in a sharehouse by themselves with their friends and make those like really deep

memories with people and they, you know, lived in different states to their partner or a different city and they lived by themselves. And she was now coming into these experiences at a time when a lot of her friends had already had them and kind of felt like they had gotten what they needed from it, right? Like when they broke up, like we were 26, 27, and she was like, well, you know, a lot of my friends don't live in sharehouses anymore. A lot of them don't do these things. So if you have the opportunity to live alone, especially, if you have the opportunity

to live with people that you care about and friends and to have those like solo, fun, independent experiences, please, please do it. walking around IKEA, cooking dinner together, looking at apartments. It's really fun and it's really romantic and it's really cute, but like, it's not for now. And if you wait for those things, I think it makes it a lot sweeter. I also think this links to a bigger message that I would say to 21-year-old me, which is, just don't rush into adulthood earlier than you need to. Like, adulthood is going to hit you face. Like, it's common. It's not going to want to. weight, like, it's, it's going to catch up, right? You're going to get there eventually, if you have

the privilege of aging and growing up, like, eventually things like moving out on your own or moving in with a partner or having this, like, kind of domestic relationship with somebody or with yourself, like, it will happen. You don't need to be doing that prematurely and kind of turning, like, the metaphorical tap off of all these other experiences that have a time and a place, often before you do those things. And it's not to say that, like, my path was the path you should take. And it's not to say that if this worked for you, that you should go back on your decision. But from myself to myself, from me at this age to me at 21, I would say, like, the thing you are contemplating, do not do it. Really enjoy this time where, yes, you are attached, but you're also

unattached. Okay, let's move away from the romantic things for now and onto some more practical matters like money. What would I say to my 21-year-old self about money? If you are in your early 20s right now, all the way at the back, please listen up. Your savings account should not just be decorative. And it should not be something you just put money into and then take out again. If you are doing that regularly, so not in emergencies and not for serious need-based reasons, you are putting too much money. in your savings account. And I actually think you would be better off putting less in if that means you are better able to separate kind of like church and stay in your mind. Like if you are able to

psychologically separate money that you can spend and money that you have saved and that cannot be touched, that is so much better than putting heaps of money in your savings account and then taking it out. I'm going to confess. I did not have a proper savings account until I'm going to say my early mid-20s, because I was such a financial avoidant. Financial avoidant is a term I learned from a 24 paper that was honestly incredibly eye-opening to me about our money attachment style. And it kind of laid out some of the different ways that we mentally approach and we mentally represent our relationship with money. Money has always made me anxious. I remember being so fixated on how my parents made money as a kid and whether like they were going to go bankrupt because

I was doing all these music classes and whether, you know, things I was asking for were too expensive. Like, they never gave me a reason to worry about that. I was just like that. I was so anxious about money. I was always really anxious about, like, how did celebrities and public figures make money? Like, were they okay? What if they weren't working? How did they pay their rent? I was so invested in, like, where are they getting their money from? What's this person's net worth? Are they stressed about money? Are they surviving? Like, how do they afford these lavish lifestyles? And it honestly just felt like money was something that only ever caused stress and anxiety and deprivation. And so the easiest way to emotionally kind of take care of that was just to ignore it.

I would just ignore it. That has set me back. I can admit that now. If 21-year-old me had just put $25 a week into her savings account, I would have made. I would have had a 5K emergency fund by now. That's great. I would have loved to have $5,000 for a $1,000. an emergency fund. I saw an interview with, and a half of the way I think it was the other day, where she said, and I really like what she said. She said, it's not cute to be financially illiterate. And I wish I could drill that into the mind of younger me. A head in sand approach is not a healthy or helpful approach and your future self is not going to be very grateful that you've done that. So heed my warnings, get a savings account, dealer's choice, have some kind of understanding

about money and how it works and you set yourself up for life, or at least for the rest of your 20s, at least for the next couple of years. Okay, let's take a short break here. When we return, let's talk about, what have I got on this list? The risks you should take compared to those you definitely shouldn't. Oh, and my thoughts on grades. Should we worry about our grades or not? I'll be right back. long loading times. The glitchy video calls. That's your house asking for better internet.

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Lisa, we should tell them about our new show. Oh my God, Lexi. We have a new podcast. It's called Don't. me. I'm Lexi Youanu. We're two best friends, 22 years apart, but so close at heart. And I'm Lisa Di Giulio, the old one, which means we have wildly different references, occasionally different opinions, and at this point in my 50s, I've lived it all. I'm not going to get anywhere fighting. That is wild. I learned that about you today.

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So these next three points are all around actually they're all around like how to create more luck and more opportunity in our lives. At 21, I had, I think, a very traditional and widely held idea of like what made somebody successful and what earned, in quotation marks, success. This was primarily in my mind, just hard work and following as specifically as possible the capital P plan. The capital P plan is one that you've probably followed as well, or at least you've been informed, of, which sounds something like this. High school, study hard, do as many extracurriculars as possible. University or college, get into a good one, get into a good college, continue to study hard,

internships, networking, summers working, post-college, get a prestigious job, continue to work hard, 12 hours a day, move up the corporate ladder, this is your guarantee that you're going to be happy. I'm going to be honest, that worked for me for a while, but there is something beyond this system that I think is much more helpful and much more fulfilling, and that is a pure audacity and be a strive to fail approach. 21-year-old me had a great plan. She had a good plan. She was doing okay. But what really shifted things in my life was realizing how many people who were much less qualified than me probably worked a lot less hard than me, definitely spent less time planning and ruminating achieved things that I really wanted for myself because they just asked for them

and they just did stuff. They didn't just sit around planning. They just like actually went after it. It should be your mission if you were in your 20s, early 20s, to appreciate like the remarkable gift of being able to fail continuously for years and years and years and years and years and and still end up exactly where you need to be. Like that is the gift of our early 20s. And that's the worst case scenario. The worst case scenario is that you fail and you fail and you fail and then maybe you win. But the majority of the time that, like, you actually just win a lot earlier and a lot more than you think. A lot of the time trying does not result in failure. It actually results in, you know, some degree of success, some essential pivot or connection or opportunity.

So number one, something I'd say to my 21-year-old self, shoot all your shots. Do not just, like, leave the ball sitting there. And number two, trust in the serendipity of things. Younger me was so terrified and worried about how her life was going to turn out because she only had one formula. She only had the capital P plan. And she only had like one narrow vision of like what a life that worked out would look like. What I wish she would knew was that a lot of life is a surprise and a lot of success and fulfillment is an accident. And also a lot of those accidents take a while to come to fruition. Like a lot of those serendipitous moments, you only realize a little while later. For example, when I was in like 19, I took a random

international political economy elective where in that course you had to make a podcast. That was an assignment, make a podcast about a political event. Had I not done that, a year or, like, no, two years later, I wouldn't have known how to do any editing or recording or scripting that allowed me to do what I'm doing now. I don't even remember what that first podcast was about, but it like serendipitously set me up for the career that I now have. And that's insane to me sometimes to think about it. Another example is a random person I met at a party when I was 18 was a big reason why I moved to London seven years later. And if I hadn't met that person, would I have made that move? Maybe not. Probably not. To be honest,

One more example here, because I really do believe in the power of serendipity. I had this discussion with somebody months ago about how we need to make research more accessible, and we were talking about it. That became my study of the week series. It's like huge on substack. Even like I changed my major to psychology at the last minute when I was like 18. And that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't have had one specific class that I loved. like all these things serendipity has helped me in equal measure to hard work and one of the biggest

ways to increase your likelihood of encountering serendipity is to simply just like do more things and to get outside more and to talk to more people and to increase your surface area for that serendipity and that luck to kind of hit you okay so this is point number five I think we're up to number five by this stage I'm hoping younger jemma was taking notes but she probably wasn't However, younger Gemma, stop spending all your Thursday and Friday nights inside and drinking. Allow yourself to be inconvenience by people and inconvenience by plans and get outside of your house. Your life is not going to change or evolve or do anything if you don't move and you don't get out of your home. my point above about talking to more people in particular is really important here.

And it's essentially a less corporate way of saying your network is what makes you. And the only way to create a network is to not be at home. You know, when people would say to me when I was younger, like, your network is the most important thing for your career. If I'm being honest, I was like, I don't understand that and I don't really care. But over time, I've really witnessed repeatedly how the greatest catalyst for my job, for my life, life, for my personal life, for my career, have not been job applications. It hasn't been anything formal. The biggest pivots in my life have been relationships. For example, people who have spoken highly of me in rooms that I'm not in, or who've heard about an opportunity and thought,

Gemma might be good for that and told me. Literally, last month, I had a chance to do a live podcast recording, like, in the tallest building in London, because somebody pulled out last minute, And the person who was hosting this event, I just happened to have been speaking to the week before. We had a relationship. That's literally it. That opportunity was never going to be advertised. There was not going to be any formal procedure for that. Having those relationships because I got out of my home is what made that happen.

And I don't want this to come across as bragging, especially like being like, I was doing this cool thing. But I also want it to come off as like evidence. Like this is, I want this to be a convincing argument for why you should be doing the following things. when you get invited to things, go. Even if you leave after 30 minutes, go. If there was some kind of live show, networking event, talk, anything you're interested in, be there. Go to that thing. Do not expect your life to change from your bedroom, as I truly believed it could at that age.

At 21, I wasn't doing nearly enough, and I feel like I would have had more opportunities if I had. Additionally, and I'm going to treat this as a separate point, do not let drinking be your only form of socialization. I was saying this to a friend the other day. What was I saying? I basically was saying to them, going out for drinks is so boring. It's so boring. Like you sit around, you spend $40. And unless like you're going somewhere, you just rehash the same stories. And somebody's probably heard the story before. And somebody, the person telling it's already lived the story, especially in my early 20s, like every activity had to have some kind of alcohol involved. And it's just a social crutch. And it actually doesn't help you create as many memories.

So take a break from it for a second, give your liver a break for starters for your health, and actually engage with people in a way that builds shared experiences. Because a lot of my stories back then started with like, oh, well, we were drunk that one night or like, remember that time we went and did this and like, remember when we were drunk doing that? Remember when we were drinking at home? Don't get me wrong. I love a wine.

I love a gossip. But did I like it enough to be doing it four to five times a week and then actually not even going anywhere? probably not and I wished that at 21 I'd gone outside I'd explored I'd experienced more I think I also wish I'd get on into nature and gotten a few more hobbies that didn't just revolve around drinking and I will give myself some grace like it was lockdown when this was happening so there wasn't as much to be done I probably should have mentioned that at the beginning but even so like where I was living we didn't have a serious lockdown there was heaps of stuff that I could have been doing like I could

have been out in nature. I could have been doing so much fun stuff. And I do think it's a ride of passage in our early 20s for drinking to be this problem or at least this thing that we're very fixated on. 21 year old me, give it a rest. Give it a little rest for a while. I want to return to an earlier point here for a second. I've got my little notes up with my points. Before we get into the final break, I spoke earlier about this idea of the capital P. plan. And one of the biggest components of that plan, as you may have noticed, was study. Now, a little bit later, we're going to dive into some of the advice that you, the listeners, would have for your 21-year-old selves and people who were in their early 20s. We're going to get to that.

But one thing that came up a lot in which was quite interesting was this split. Half of the time people mentioned grades. They said, care less about grades. And the other half of the time, people said care more and invest more. I'm going to give my opinion. If younger me was to ask current me, who should I side with? I'm going to side with teen care less. My life at 21 was home, study, study, study, study, study, drink with friends, sleep, study, study, study, home, drink with friends. And study some more. And it's hard at that age to not be preoccupied with grades because it feels like one of life's few guaranteed promises. Like, there seems to be a direct correlate between input and output.

Like, it is a safe investment to emphasize study. If you get good grades, you're at least going to, like, something's going to come to you. There's going to be some kind of reward. Now, these days, can I tell you in all seriousness, like, what good grades got me? Like, it kind of got me very little. Like, I can't remember the last time somebody asked to see my GPA. I couldn't tell you a single score that I received on an exam or an essay, none of it. You know, I was in a grad cohort of people much smarter than me who had a lot more fun than I had

and had gotten much worse grades and yet here we were in the same place. Like, grades unlock very specific opportunities. I understand that. So if you're trying to get into med school or law school or a school, or a specific specific program, feel free to disregard this. However, in general, a good grade I have learned can be supplemented by life experience and it can be supplemented by that aforementioned, like audacity or entrepreneurial spirit in my mind, or just experiences. Additionally, like say you didn't get good grades and you feel like that's limited your opportunities and you feel like

it's held you back, very few people end their working life with the job that they began with. The memory of grades and the memory of GPAs and test scores, you will realize fades extremely quickly when you enter the workplace. And I think that's really important to inform you of, especially if you're still in uni or school and you're quite fixated on it or you're feeling very demoralized by a bad term or a bad semester. I'm going to give you a Gemsberg psychology of your 20s promise right here right now. Your future boss will not care about what you're going to. grades are if you work hard and you're nice to work with and you show some enthusiasm. Very quickly, it becomes something nobody talks about. Okay. I feel like I've done, I think I've done

six lessons, six things that I would really tell my younger self. I wanted to hear from you guys. What did you have to say? What were your points about this? And I collected some of them, put them into a little list. Let's talk about them after this short break. The long loading times. The glitchy video calls. That's your house asking for better internet. Switch to Bell Pure Fiber, Canada's most reliable internet awarded by Open Signal from $75 a month. Price guaranteed for two years on a two-year term and auto pay credit.

Visit bell.ca for more details and to check availability. Bell, connection is everything. Lisa? We should tell them about our new show. Oh my God, Lexi. We have a new podcast. It's called Don't Lie to Me. I'm Lexi Yuwano. We're two best friends, 22 years apart, but so close at heart. And I'm Lisa Di Giulio, the old one, which means we have wildly different references,

occasionally different opinions, and at this point in my 50s, I've lived it all. I'm not going to get anywhere fighting. That is wild. I learned that about you today. Now in my 30s, being the founder of new shoes, good taste is my business. And I've always Always got something to say. If men were just honest about this, there would be so much more peace in the world. We're going to talk about dating, relationships, beauty, getting older, and a little wiser.

We're best friends, but we don't always agree. Because you told us how accommodating you are. Obviously, I would do what I think I could do to fight the fight, but there's only so much fight I can fight. Don't lie to me. Don't lie to me. Don't lie to me. Don't lie to me.

Don't lie to me. Don't lie to me. Liar. Listen on the IHeart Radio app. Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast. I don't really care. Hi, it's Alec Baldwin. This season on my podcast,

here's the thing I'm speaking with more artists, policymakers, and performers like actor Stephen Root. I think for me to be any good or for any character act to be any good, you've got to put enough of yourself and your empathy for people in it. I'm a people watcher. You see that guy going down the dream and go,

yeah, I can use that. Open Igloo co-founder, Alia Muhammad. I love staying on top of what is going on in our city, what is going on in city politics, what is on renter's minds, and taking all of that knowledge to build a platform that hopefully is going to make New York City better in the long run. And actress and singer Melissa Eriko. Partnership took on a whole other meaning when I started making my own work. It's like you with a great actress or actor. It was best to come out of your trailer, full of life, and just face another person who's full of. of life and don't talk.

Listen to Here's the Thing on the Iheart radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. You broke me. You do not deserve happiness. I'm Andrea Gunning. On this season of betrayal, we meet Carl Bryant. Carl thought he was living a normal, drama-free life until the messages started. You will have hell to pay.

For nine months, someone infiltrated every aspect. of Carl's life threatening to ruin him. Cyberstalking, swatting, extortion, impersonation. And then the text threats escalated. Someone's not going to make it out of this alive. It's playing out in real life, not just on the phone. Every piece of evidence pointed to one man. But every piece of evidence was a lie.

He was not going to stop unless we stopped. him. Listen to Betrayal Season 6 on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You're not incurable. You're not broken. You're having a normal human experience, and we have a solution for that. And that solution is our show Free Therapy. I'm Ben.

And I'm Kevin. And we think everyone could use a little bit of therapy, including us. Absolutely. That's why each week, we sit down with a different therapist to talk about the things we're all dealing. If you're trying to get rid of anxiety, you're actually fueling more anxiety. We talk to some of the leading therapists in the country about all of life's headaches, work, family dynamics, and of course, dating in relationships. Everyone chooses a different set of problems, challenges, flaws.

You have to figure out which set of problems you're willing to work with. So listen to Free Therapy with Ben and Kevin on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Because therapy is expensive, but our podcast is free. So as I said, in thinking about this episode, I knew I also wanted to hear from you guys. Like, I am just one person. These are the lessons that I'd impress on my younger self.

And they may not be the lessons that your younger self needed or would resonate with. Like, these lessons, these things that I would scream at her. are based on a very narrow life perspective, i.e. the life of one person. So I wanted to hear your collective wisdom as well. We had over a thousand responses, a lot of responses. And it was difficult to kind of siphon them down. But here is a curated selection of my favorites. What would you, the listeners, scream, shout, yell, grab, impress on your younger selves. number one, don't hang out with people you don't want to be like. I will say there is psychological evidence for this one. Behavioral and emotional contagion is a real thing, a very real phenomena,

and the attitudes and personalities of those around you is going to have an effect on your own attitude and personality. So if you don't admire and respect the people in your life and the people in your social circles, break out of that circle, run far away, you will make new friends. Okay, number two, I love this one. Don't let doctors dismiss your symptoms. I actually think I probably should have put this one on my list. There were so many things that were going wrong or not, didn't feel right in my body at 21 and I would go to the doctor and they would just say, you're fine, it's just anxiety. And now that I'm older, they have actually turned into very serious things that like now need treatment and now need medication. And

I get so mad thinking about those doctors who could have just listened to me. And I also get kind of sad for my younger self who didn't just like speak up for herself and didn't say pay attention to me or didn't ask for a referral or another opinion. If you're 21 and you're like something might not be right, I can, I don't feel good in my body or my mind or I just know that something's off. advocate for yourself, push, push your doctors. You are paying for that service. It is a service that your, maybe your taxes pay for, or you are paying for out of pocket. It is there to serve you and to make you well. So if it's not making you well because you're still there, stressed,

anxious, not feeling good, it is your right to keep pushing and to get an answer. Even if that answer is actually, no, everything is all right. The peace of mind that it will give you will just be so, so valuable. Okay, number three, this one I love, try not to grow up, get a degree in full-time work so quickly, take a gap year, take two, take your time. This next one was funny because these two things came up right next to each other. The first one was date him, the other one was don't date him, which I think was funny. This one also good, you are not making a life-changing decision when you choose a college or choose a major. This person said, 21-year-old me has to understand that paths unexpectedly converge. I 100% agree with that. Go dancing was another one, that somebody

would scream at their younger self. Let your friends make their own mistakes. That's a big sign of emotional maturity when you can let your friends do that. Don't get a boob job. Don't get a boob job. That's what they would say to their younger self. I haven't gotten a boob job, so I don't know if I could relate to one, but take that as you will. Be careful with credit cards. Yes, be careful with credit cards. That goes hand in hand with the savings one. If you don't have the financial literacy to save or to budget or to do any of those things, like if you don't just have the skills or even the income yet, do not get a credit card, it will, it spells danger. This was another funny one. Again, literally these were side by side. When I tell you, I was reading through and it was like, this one came up

and then the second one came up right afterwards. They said, date the 28-year-old. That's what I would tell my 21-year-old self. And the other one said, don't date the 28-year-old from work, which I thought was funny. This was a theme, actually. This was a theme in itself. Time and time again, I would see this thing where one person would be like, buy stocks instead of dinner at the club.

And then somebody else would be like, who cares about being financially responsible? Go and have a drink. somebody would be like, I would tell my 21-year-old self to like, yeah, marry their childhood sweetheart. And then somebody else would be like, don't marry your childhood sweetheart. The contradictions and the differing opinions contained here, I think actually create a beautiful summary and a beautiful ending to this episode. And it actually kind of leads into the final thing I would say to 21-year-old me. And it's, mine actually undermine everything else I've said.

So I'm sorry, I've like brought you here under a row of a real. ruse and I'm about to completely contradict a lot of my advice. But the final thing I would imprint on my younger self, somebody else's advice may be helpful, but it's not everything. You don't have to believe or follow or abide by what somebody else suggests just because they think it's what's best for you or just because it worked for them. I think the scariest thing about our 20s is that they are defined by a lack of definition, right? Nothing feels known. And that creates a desire to find clarity or certainty in any corner that we can. That is simply a human urge.

It's a human urge to insert any kind of structure or rulebook or guidelines where sometimes one just simply doesn't exist. And in that desire for clarity, we're sometimes imprisoned by this constant rumination and this constant thought of, am I making the right choices? Am I making the right mistakes? what if like how do I make my life turn out perfectly it it just will it just will like I've been in such a strange state recently as I contemplate my next chapter and my 30s and what comes next and am I going to make the psychology of your 30s and it is a similar state to how I felt at 21 and what

I continue to remind myself is like things never turned out exactly as planned they turned out very differently, they also turned out so much better. And even when they didn't turn out so much better, they turned out okay. Every single mistake, every single thing, moment led to this perfect, and it's not even a finale. It sounds like I'm at the end, but it's not a finale. It led to these perfect circumstances that I wouldn't change. And there were a lot of things that got me to this place, terrible boyfriends, terrible grades, really big friendshipful outs where like I was the one in the wrong and I still feel guilty about it and bad, bad financial decisions. Let me tell you that. I've made bad financial choices. Would I make them again? No. But how can I say that if I didn't

make that bad choice, I would be any better off? Like, I actually can't. And so, the best thing I can say to myself is, well, that had to happen. There had to be some reason behind that to bring me to where I am. And there always is, I don't want to say a reason, but there, there always is this serendipity and this kind of invisible string that you will be able to connect through your life experiences that have brought you to where you are. So if you are in your early 20s, especially if you're 21 or younger, I get so many messages, it's just, there's just so much anxiety and so much fear and I just feel so much deep empathy for you because I remember how that felt so supremely and how it felt like nothing was ever going to make sense. I wanted somebody

to tell me that my life was going to be okay. And here I am five, six years, I can't remember about five years, I guess, later down the line. And it's like a gift that only hindsight can give you. So keep pushing on. It's all going to be fine. Take what I say with you. it with a grain of salt. As I said, half the people said this, half the people said that when it came to grades, when it came to age gap relationships, when it came to marriage in your early 20s. So do what feels right. Know that all mistakes are in some ways a form of guidance and bring you to perhaps where you need to be. So that is all for today. That is the 10 things I would say, I would scream, I would give on a nice golden platter to my younger self.

I want to hear yours. If there is anything in this episode that you felt I should have included or something that you really think people who are younger 21, 2219 need to know, leave a comment down below, especially if you are listening on Spotify. I'd love to hear from you. Make sure that you are following us on Instagram at That Psychology Podcast so you know when your episodes come out, or you can hit follow slash subscribe wherever you were listening. We also have a substack where I shared this full list so you can go and follow us over there. and a final reminder, if you haven't yet, please watch an episode on Netflix. It is one of the easiest ways to help out this podcast.

So if you've ever gotten even a tiny, tiny little bit of joy or comfort or, I don't know, factoid or assurance from this podcast, please go and watch an episode if you have Netflix. It really shows them that podcasts like this are important and it's a great way to help me out. I hope you enjoyed the episode. Until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon. Lisa, tell them about our new show. We have a new podcast. It's called Don't Lie to Me. I'm Lexi Youanu. We're two best friends, 22 years apart, but so close at heart. And I'm Lisa Di Giulio, the old one, which means we have wildly different references,

occasionally different opinions, and at this point in my 50s, I've lived it all. Now in my 30s, being the founder of new shoes, good taste, is. My Business. Listen on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Lacey Mosley, author, actor, stand-up comedian, creator, and host of Scam Goddess Podcasts, the True Crime Comedy Podcasts, all about robbery, fraud, and those who practice it. Each week, I bring on an amazing guest. Ooh, I scammed them. What? I can talk to you for an hour. You're a generational yapper, like me. That's why I had to make yapping a job. And now you can catch full episodes of my show on YouTube.

Start listening to Scam Goddess on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hi, this is Kylie Breakman. Angel Geratana. Jeremy Colhane. Patrick McDonald. And we're the hosts of the Artists on Artists on Artists on Artist Podcast.

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Yeah, I can use that. And open. glue co-founder Alia Mohammed. I love staying on top of what is going on in our city, what is on renter's minds, and taking all of that knowledge to build a platform that hopefully is going to make New York City better in the long run. Listen to Here's the Thing on the IHeart Radio app Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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