The Psychology of your 20s - 54. Single, happy and alone in our 20’s

Episode Date: November 9, 2022

This week we discuss how to be happy being alone and all the amazing benefits that come with single hood in our 20’s! How can we cultivate a life we love despite being single and why do we crave love even when we are happy being alone?See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me. 84 was big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down,

and try to make sense of how we survived it. With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. 84 was a wild year. It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all?

You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor it? It signals to the world that you not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen and learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax.

You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Ellen's, correct? I doctored the test once. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through. the same thing. Greg, a lesbian, Michael Ranjini. My mind was blown.

I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hello and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our 20s. and what they mean for our psychology. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here.

New listeners, old listeners. Oh, yeah. How exciting. Thanks for joining us for another really fabulous exciting episode. One that I am so excited to have been able to research and all the things that I found out are just so interesting. So thank you so much for tuning in. And if you didn't know, this episode was actually chosen by you guys, by my listeners.

I recently hit a million listens, which is just absolutely mind-blowing, like, insanely overwhelming. I don't think I've quite processed it yet. So thank you so much for supporting the show and for listening to it. It really does just blow my mind that this thing that I started as a hobby, people want to listen to. So thank you so much. To kind of celebrate, I was like, let's let you choose the episode. So I posted on my Instagram

the episodes that I have researched and written for the next like two months essentially. I was like, what do you want to hear first? And overwhelmingly, you guys said this one. So here we are. We are going to be talking about being single, happy and alone in our 20s. I also want to thank my subscribers, my paid subscribers. For those of you who do not know, I release bonus episodes like once a month. That might be an interview or a let's get friendly episode with some of my friends or a loveline or a chatty episode. So if you would like to subscribe to that and get access to bonus content, there is a link in the description. It's a really easy way to listen to more of these episodes if that's something you want to do.

Won't be offended if you don't, but to also support the show and allow it to grow. So thank you for those who are part of that community. It's so amazing that you want to support me, and I'm very, very grateful. But without further ado, let's get into it. I know why we're all here. We want to hear about this topic. And today, that's exactly what we're talking about. We're talking about how to be at peace with being alone and single in our 20s and the psychology behind

why we can often struggle with reality of being single, but most importantly, how to actually enjoy this period in our lives, how to flourish and discover more about ourselves, our internal worlds, our thoughts, our beliefs. I think as humans, especially in a monogamous society, in which so much of our lives and our societal expectations are focused on monogamy and obtaining love and partnership and marriage, we really crave the stability of a partner and want someone to love. And that feeling is entirely okay. It's valid. It's okay to want a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner because deep connections can bring us really deep joy. But I think it's also important to be okay being alone, especially when we are young and in our 20s and not let our relationship

status kind of determine our worth or how much we get to enjoy life. I think romantic love is just one element of a really fulfilled joyous life. So it's something I'm really passionate about and love speaking about with my friends. How can we cultivate self-love and cultivate happiness when we find ourselves single? I think particularly in our 20s, we can feel a lot of internal and external pressure around being single and not just single, but happy with it being that way. This is especially hard in a decade like our 20s when many of the people around us, many of our friends begin meeting their life partners or getting married. And it can be a difficult point of comparison when you find yourself alone or without that person. I fall into this

trap quite a lot, especially since so many of my friends are in relationships. I remember this time, I think around this time last year when three of my closest friends, friends of the show, shout out to them, but they all entered long-term committed relationships. And I obviously love their partners. I think they're great people. And I genuinely very much enjoy their company. But it does change dynamics. And my friends have someone else to consider in their lives.

And they are so amazing at prioritizing their friendships and their own lives. And obviously we're still incredibly close. but as everyone around us seems to find their person and have these fantastic love stories and experiences, has someone to adventure with and share something with, it can be really difficult to not feel like something might be wrong with us, that we are somehow undeserving, that we'll never have that,

that we're missing out or somehow faulty, and I'm here to say, absolutely none of that is true. Each of us has our own journey and development and healing and growing to do. And maybe your journey right now isn't about finding love. Maybe it's about finding yourself and discovering what you love to do and who you are when you're alone. You have your entire life to be partnered to someone else and to be connected to them financially,

emotionally, socially, intimately. And there will definitely come times in any long-term relationship where we will wish for the days when we were single and only needed to rely on ourselves, only needed to make decisions for ourselves. When you do find someone, I think I can probably definitely say you're going to look back at this moment at some point right now when you're single and you're by yourself, you're thriving, you're independent, and you're going to look back with nostalgia and wish you'd appreciated this time more. When I feel like I want a partner or I'm lacking something because I don't have one, I think about this all the time.

It brings me a lot of comfort. But I think that doesn't mean that we're not allowed to have times when we may want a relationship. We don't have to push that feeling away. We don't have to completely deny that kind of desire, that aspect of ourselves in order to be happy and single. I think it's totally okay to crave connection and to want someone. I personally had a moment like that the other day. like I mentioned, this show has gained so many new listeners recently. And to be honest, it can be really overwhelming to feel deserving of this kind of audience

and to continue to put out episodes that I really want to do without feeling pressure to kind of deliver on what people want to hear. And it honestly made me really emotional. And in that moment, I did wish that I just had someone who loved me to kind of hug me and tell me it was okay and they were proud of me. And yeah, that would have been really nice. But I also realized that that was kind of a learned behavior for me to crave romantic connection in times of stress or when I'm overwhelmed. And just because I don't have that one person doesn't mean I have no one. Just because I can't share good news with a partner doesn't mean I can't share it with my family and my friends.

Like, for example, like the other day I got this really amazing piece of news and I shared it with my friends. and Kate and her reaction was just as meaningful than if I'd shared the news with any of the people I had dated in the past because that relationship and that friendship I have with her has outlasted all of those people. Her support is unconditional and reliable and it was such a valuable realization for me. You know, no one is missing out just because they're single. And in this episode, I really want to be able to discuss how we can create lives we enjoy and love so much that we're really not bothered by being alone. And the opportunity this period gives us to build a solid foundation for ourselves that

will pay off in the future is something we appreciate, even when we do enter a relationship or if we decide we like being alone, this is such an important period when we're young to be able to really decide what we want and put effort and time into that. There is so much content, so much psychology to discuss today. I'm so excited by the research I found and being able to share this with you so that if you are single right now and maybe feeling a bit lonely or wanting a relationship, you can reframe your relationship with yourself and with romance to realize that really you're kind of all you need to be happy. And you can be the best version of yourself even without a partner. So buckle in. I'm so excited.

And I hope we all learn something today. Okay, so I think that it is a blessing to be single in our 20s. Like I mentioned before, I think our society really seems to have this strange obsession with long-term relationships and marriage and holy matrimony. And yes, that is a beautiful thing. But the flip side of this weird obsession with love and the soulmates and relationships is that for people probably like yourself who are single right now, we can feel like our lives are meaningless unless we have someone else to share it with.

We may also feel almost pitied or like we are never going to be whole until we've achieved some form of connection or unity with another person. Social norms or societal expectations like this can be really powerful. Societable societal expectations, they're essentially guidelines for our behaviour or expectations placed on us, such as the need to be married, and they kind of cause us to conform with the norm or the status quo of everyone else's behaviour. Often, I think, a justification for an expectation like long-term partnership or commitment is that it leads to a better society, it's

better for us, it makes our quality of life better, but we still feel this sense of pressure, this need to conform. And we see this expectation playing out all around us in countless songs and hits about love in romantic comedies where the protagonist is made complete by finding the one in our friendship groups and workplaces in novels and stories about the power of true love. But when it comes to being single, I think the idea that your life is not full until it contains another person is like utterly nonsense and can lead to a lot of stigmatization and negative self-talk for those of us who are alone right now. You can still lead a tremendous, fabulous life whilst you're alone. Also, because we, you know, we're not alone, are we? Like, I think maybe that word has a lot of

negative connotations, like, I'm alone because I don't have someone, but that's never really the case. Like, you're surrounded by so many people who can support you and provide the encouragement and love that a partner has. And often, in a way that's more sustainable, and fulfilling, then if you do decide to date someone who's not right for you, just to enjoy the feeling that you have a partner. In fact, it's a proven fact, a proven fact people, that it's not just our partners or those we are in relationships with that create happiness, but the quality of our relationships with our friends and our families. In fact, while I was researching this episode, I found this study that was done by a number of positive psychologists. Positive is a

field within psychology, not just an adjective to describe these researchers, but they determined that it is our positive emotional experiences with people across our lives that is the largest predictor of happiness. One person is not going to be enough to make you happy. You need to feel properly supported and loved by people from all areas of your life. So let us talk about some of the amazing benefits of being single in your 20s, and some of the great opportunities it gives us to kind of counteract some of those inner doubts and internalized expectations that come from society. First of all, it might actually be the case that singleness actually makes us happier in the long run.

So this study, done by a professor of behavioral science out of London, found that single women with no children are actually generally happier than those who are married. or those who have children. This person, this professor reported that these people, these single women, have more free time, greater independence, more money, and an overall sense of well-being. But for men and for my male listeners, I know that's not many of you, but the opposite is actually the case. It seems that men actually benefit more from marriage and partnership than women.

And men who are in long-term relationships are actually my own. marginally happier than those who are not. So obviously these statements are quite controversial and were met with quite a bit of criticism, which I get, it's understandable. If you are a married woman, you probably aren't going to take too kindly to someone telling you that you are destined to misery because you happen to find someone you love. And I hope that we all know that's not what I'm saying here. And I think the biggest lesson to take away from this is that happiness is relative and it's not the case that singleness is in no uncertain terms going to make you miserable. In fact, from this research, it actually seems it's the opposite. I also don't think we can assume that

what this research is saying is that people in relationships are necessarily sad and depressed and dissatisfied. It's definitely a case-by-case basis and I think there are so many people out there who are in awful relationships that might actually pull down the average, noting that I think it's always better to be alone than in the company of someone or in a relationship that is not serving you or is toxic or nasty. That is a really good segue, I think, into exploring some of the other emotional, social, intellectual, spiritual benefits of singleness in our 20s. Firstly, you have time to discover who you are and to improve yourself. Let's be really honest here. Relationships take up a lot of time. If you are committed to a person and getting to know them and sharing your life with

them, that is going to require a large investment of your time and your energy. And, you know, you also want to be around them all the time. I'm sure a lot of us can understand that feeling of falling in love and never wanting to be away from that person. But sometimes that comes at a cost. When you're single, you get to use that time that you would otherwise have spent with partner to focus only on you and what feeds your soul and allows you to grow. And I think this really perfectly links to our next point. Being single in our 20s gives us more time to focus on our dreams and our ambitions, more time to study, to go to the gym, to pursue a new hobby, to spend time on our career.

So, fun fact, I actually started this podcast after a breakup with a long-term partner when I was feeling really shit about being alone and had all of this spare time I didn't really know what to do with. And being single gave me so many evenings to create episodes I loved and to be able to create something I was proud of. And we rarely get the time in our lives where we can be entirely selfish and we're able to really focus on the core foundations of our lives to create something that we're proud of or focus on a major goal. When you're single, that's one of the huge upsides. You get the opportunity to explore new things, new hobbies, to practice self-love,

to go on solo adventures and travel and not be distracted by a relationship. Essentially, you get to figure shit out on your own, and you get to figure it out by yourself and be your own person. I don't know, I don't know if you noticed this, but sometimes they see couples or people who've been together for a long time, and they don't know how to live without each other. They don't have their own aspirations or their own goals. They kind of meld into one person.

When you're single for a longer period of time, you get the opportunity to figure out what you want and how you feel there's no one to compromise with. You're not attached to someone else. Your identity isn't kind of melded with theirs. Another perk, you can do whatever you want. Like, you can go and get ice cream like right now. You don't have to tell anyone. You can eat wherever you want for dinner. every single night of the week. You don't have to visit in-laws. You know, decision-making is so much

easier. And another perk, especially if you're someone who's maybe been in a long-term relationship before or after that, is that you don't have to share money. Like, I'm sure not all couples do this, but it is an expectation, especially if you're getting married or you're getting really serious. But when you're single, like, that money is all yours. You are completely kind of independent in your finances. You're going to make your own decisions. Like, okay, you want to go and spend $100 at Sephora or whatever. Like, that's fine. You're not saving for a house with anyone. You're, you don't have to answer to anyone about how you spend your finances. And I know it's not the 1950s. And if you're someone who is in a relationship listening to this, I hope you're not

offended. I know that women have independence over their money, but it is something to consider. another really big upside is you get to practice complete independence. Now, as we know as good students of psychology, hyper independence can actually be quite harmful and it's often a coping mechanism or response to trauma. That's not really what we're talking about here. So hyper independence is like really not being able to depend on anyone, not being able to trust anyone and it often arises as a result of deep emotional baggage by portrayal or abandonment, a sense of unsafe around other previous relationships.

You know, if you've been cheated on or hurt by a partner, often our reaction to that is to become hyper-independent and to need no one. And it results in you really struggling to build deep connections and rely on others out of fear of being hurt even when you want to. but a little bit of independence is always good I think especially in your 20s you know you learn to trust yourself you learn how to regulate your emotions on your own how to do things alone which is so amazing and you know that no matter what happens you can always do it by yourself and be perfectly fine no matter what that is such an important thing to recognize and acknowledge and

it makes you stronger. I think another huge benefit I've noticed in my own personal life and on anecdotal level from friends is the deep connections you're able to build with the people around you, especially your close friends. One of the major benefits of being single and being happy in your 20s is having the time to spend with your friends. And it actually increases the number of social connections you might have. So there was this interesting study that basically concluded that people who are single actually have more social connections and more independent social connections. That's because when we don't have a relationship, we don't have a primary relationship. We kind of need to reach out more to your connections and your social networks because those are

the people who are going to provide us with the support that we need rather than, you know, our partner rather than like your married counterpart or someone who is by your side. And I don't think we can understate the importance of strong friendships, regardless of your relationship status. But I think a lot of us would see that when we are alone and when we don't have a partner, immediately one of the first things we do is call up our friends, spend so much more time with them, get to go out and party or stay in and paint. Like whatever you want to do, you're able to cultivate those friendships.

Let's not forget, it's not just friendships you get to develop, but other types of relationships. When you're not in a committed relationship, there is often, you know, often in a committed relationship as this norm of being exclusive or only having sex with each other. Obviously, if you're in an open relationship, that may be different. But for most of us who are single, we get the opportunity to have sex with whoever we want, whenever we want it. Like we get the freedom to explore new sexual partners and meet people and be sexually adventurous. Maybe that's not your cup of tea, totally okay. But sometimes it's really liberating to be with new people and to try new

things out. And sometimes we just need to be alone to unlearn habits or patterns that are emotionally unhealthy. So when my last situation, like relationship thing, whatever we want to call it, when it ended, I realized that in my pursuit of love, I'd kind of acted in a way that I didn't like. I neglected friendships and important people in my life. And it was a really hard truth that I had to acknowledge about myself, that I craved romantic love above everything else, so much so that I was really willing to sacrifice important things to me just to be with someone who didn't really have to give anything up and got all the benefits while I really lost out and it cost me. So I made this conscious decision to take a break and to focus on myself, to unlearn this dependency mindset I had,

this unconscious need to be loved and admired and craved. And I had to take a step back and deliberately heal the insecurities that had caused this. And, you know, here we are now. And, So I think I've done a bit of learning from that situation and I wouldn't have been able to do it if immediately after that situation ship had ended, I jumped into something new. I think if that had been the case, I would have ended up in the exact same situation with the exact same type of person, never having developed the resilience to move on, never having been able to address the real reason that I was attached to these people. I think of the, you know, of all the amazing upsides of being single and alone and happy is the relationship that you get to cultivate with yourself. And really, at the end of the day, our relationship with our self is the most important one you're going to have in your entire life.

It's the, you know, like when you think about it, the only one that really lasts, that's never going to disappear, it's never going to abandon us or go away. So consider it your greatest investment and take this time to focus on yourself, focus on your hobbies, focus on your goals. Because one day you might look back at this glorious, sacred time and regret that you didn't appreciate it more. Regret that you didn't recognize the opportunity that you had. I think it's okay if despite all of this, despite all of these benefits and pros and whatever, you still want to relationship. But I don't think it should be our entire focus. You can still believe that you deserve to be loved, deserve that you can be treated right and not settle, and also appreciate and love your

single life. In fact, I think it really goes hand in hand. But why is it that even when we are really happy being alone, everything is going right, everything is going well, we have friends, we're doing really well, we've got opportunities, we feel healthy, we feel happy, we really feel complete. Why is it that even in those moments we still crave affection and romantic love? Why is it that we still feel incomplete sometimes? Well, this is a psychology podcast, so of course I really want to give a psychological explanation for this. Romantic love gives us the same dopamine rush and hit as things that cause major euphoria and ecstasy,

like ecstasy or drugs like sugar. like things that get our neurons firing. And because we become accustomed to that, well, we're kind of dependent on that feeling of that rush and that level of dopamine in our brains from getting hugs and attention and affection from a partner. That's why it's so hard to move on after a breakup and to really embrace being single

because we're going through literal withdrawal from a long series of consistent dopamine spikes from someone else. and it's totally okay to still want that feeling. We also need affection to live. It's crucial for the release of oxytocin, which is a hormone that plays a really important role in bonding and intimacy and even repairing connections in our brain. It's the hormone that makes you feel love and trust,

and some studies have also associated it with the bond of mother has with her child through childbirth. Without oxytocin, we could feel really empty. part of the kind of hormonal neurotransmitter equation within our brain that makes us feel content and happy. So if you're not getting it from a romantic partner and you're still craving that connection, you might need to find other ways to restore the feeling it elicits by doing something else like hugging a friend, listening to emotional music, having a warm shower, getting a massage, telling someone in your life how much you love them. And I think this leads on to what I want to talk about to conclude the episode, which is how do we cultivate self-love whilst you're single

and how do we cultivate an appreciation for being alone? I think first and foremost, all that love that you want to give to a partner, pour it into yourself, into your friends, into your family. Take this really valuable time to build deep connections with the people around you, to treat them the way you would treat a romantic partner to give them gifts, to tell them you love them, to spend quality time with them. And that's going to pay off in dividends in the future, regardless of whether there's a relationship in your future or not. I think like that study we talked about earlier, having supportive quality relationships is like the biggest indicator of happiness and well-being. So you're not going to lose out if you spend all time with your

friends and really trying to promote those relationships. Being single, having a period of singleness is an amazing time to pursue a hobby or a long-term goal and to practice self-improvement. It also puts your mind and your focus back onto yourself rather than on others. I think a lot of people, like, they go through breakups and they're like, I'm going to get really fit at the gym. Do whatever you want. Whatever's going to make you happy, but there's a reason that happens. because suddenly you're not distracted by this other person. Suddenly you have all of this time. You're not needing to think about them and think about their actions

and what's going to impact them and spend time with them. All of that energy gets put back onto yourself. And you're able to refocus on what you want to achieve, what's going to matter to you in two or five, ten years. And it's a great period of time to set a really big goal. Maybe you want to run a marathon. on what a great thing to do you i think you should do that i think you should do that and now you have all this time there's no nobody distracting you there's nothing getting in your way to really focus on yourself

i think also it's important to change our mindset rather than being like i'm lonely i don't have anyone i'm missing out like valentine's day sucks christmas sucks i really wish someone was there for me treat this period like it's a growth period like it is important for your development, which it is. Be like, this is actually a major blessing. Switch that mindset from like a loss mindset to a gain mindset. Like this is an amazing opportunity. Not everyone gets this opportunity to be able to completely and utterly focus on the things

that make you happy and make you grow. And I think the final thing is know that even if you find your person, you are still entirely complete without them. And practicing self-love, practicing self-improvement, creating a life that you want to live, that is such an important, important goal. And you might even be happier and healthier without someone to join you along in that journey.

It's something that will benefit you in the future. It cannot be understated. And it's going to really set you up and make you an incredibly happy version of yourself. I think the best part of not having to share your life with someone is that you get to prioritize yourself, you get to enjoy yourself, you get to set the agenda.

And I think that it doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time. It doesn't mean that you don't want that occasionally. But being able to adapt to loneliness is a skill and it's a practice that becomes stronger over time and as we appreciate where we are and the importance of where we are now more and more, you're really able to see that being alone and being single and without a relationship is not a loss. It's actually a huge win. And there are so many things that you get to do that maybe others in relationships don't.

There's so many hours in the day to spend on yourself and to spend on the relationship you have with yourself. So if you are someone who is struggling with this at the moment, someone who's feeling insecure or self-down about the fact that you might not have someone in your life, I hope this helped you out. I hope that this kind of set you on a good path and you're able to appreciate what this kind of period means for you and you're able to appreciate yourself and your relationship with yourself more and set some long-term goals for yourself. Think big. Cultivate your friendships. try a new hobby, try anything you want to do. Like, there's nothing stopping you. That's the amazing blessing of this.

And thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for choosing it if you voted on the poll of my Instagram. Thank you so much. It was an absolute pleasure to be able to talk about it and do this research. I especially love when topics relate to something I'm going through. Like, I think it's so universal to struggle with these feelings. you're not alone and you're not a bad person, you're not a weak person because you want love.

That is such a crucial element of being a human. But you can get love from so many places and I hope you know you're not alone in that feeling and it's all going to work out. So thank you so much for listening. Hopefully I'll hear or you'll hear me next week. You'll be back for another episode. And as always, if you feel called to do so, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever

you get your podcast. If you don't want to, that's fine. But if you feel cool to do so, it is an amazing way to help this show grow. And thank you again. I will see you next week. On the Look Back at It Podcast. In 1979, that was a big moment for me. Eighty-four is big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick a here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it with our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite offers. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s. It was a wild year.

It was a wild year. I don't think there's a more important year for black people. Listen to look back at it on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to learn the hard way with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit are on? It signals to the world that you not to be played with.

And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen and learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Ellen, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing.

Greg Alesspian. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast.

Guaranteed human.