The Psychology of your 20s - 56. Why am I so unhappy?

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

How do we explain the feeling where we have everything we could want, but we still feel so unhappy and dissatisfied? In this episode we explore some of the reasons for unhappiness in the face of success and everything we have ever wanted to dispel some of the stigma around sadness, depressive episodes and the normalcy of feeling unhappy.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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or wherever you get your podcast. Hello and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to another episode of the psychology of your 20s, new listeners, old listeners. It's so great to have you here. Thank you for tuning in. Each week we like to break down some kind of event or experience or situation that we go through in our 20s

and provide a bit of a psychological explanation to hopefully provide those of us who are listening, who are going through this with some comfort and with some education as well. So today we're going to talk about something a bit serious, but something I think is quite universal during this decade of life. And that's feeling unhappy. That's feeling that things aren't going particularly well, feeling a bit blue, feeling a bit down. I think our 20s are such a tumultuous decade, but they're also such an amazing decade. And sometimes, I don't know if you've had this experience, I definitely have. We look around at our lives and everything is going according to plan.

Everything is going perfect. We have an amazing family. We have friends. We have a partner. We have a roof over our head. So many things to be grateful for. You know, maybe you've have your dream job.

You've gotten into your dream course. Everything is perfect. And yet we just don't feel happy. Something is wrong. Even though we have everything that people see as indicators of happiness and indicators of success. something just doesn't feel quite right. I think that is such a common shared experience of those of us who are in our 20s right now. And often what accompanies that feeling, that feeling that we're not

happy despite having every reason to be is a sense of, you know, guilt and shame for not being grateful enough. A sense of confusion, you know, what's wrong with me that I can't fully appreciate and be in the present and feel grateful and enjoy this period in this decade of my life. But I think it's a really common experience, one that's not spoken about enough to, you know, have periods of really intense unhappiness. So if that is you, I really hope that this episode allows us to kind of break down some of the stigma and some of the confusion and the ambiguity around how normal it is to go through a period. it's like this and kind of break away from that sense of guilt and shame that accompanies it.

I think we can't always control our emotional reactions and our emotional state the same way that we can't always control our external world, the external stresses and expectations that are placed on us. So for those of us who are asking that very question right now, why am I not happy? This episode is for you. To feel. hopefully a little bit less alone if you're feeling a bit sad a bit blue a bit down and looking for an explanation but also looking for some encouragement i think you've come to the right place we can hopefully share a moment and be a little bit miserable together but then also think about what's next and how to get out of this rut i think the mission of this show from day one has been to

provide people like myself who are in their 20s with a space for vulnerability to kind of share the good, the bad, the ugly of this decade. And I've always, you know, tried to keep it quite vulnerable. I think if we're being honest right now, I'm definitely going through this and asking myself this question of like, why am I not happy? Why am I not happy? Like I should be. I have every single thing that I want, you know, this show, this podcast is doing so well. I get so many amazing, beautiful messages from people like yourself, from my listeners, telling me how much they enjoy it, feeling like they have a sense of community, I feel so grateful, you know, I've got a great job, I have the best relationships with my friends and my family that I've ever had.

I feel so at peace, but there are still these really, you know, sad moments where nothing makes me happy. Something feels like it's missing the excitement of life. And the excitement of this really amazing moment just isn't really sinking in. And it's kind of an awful feeling. I, like, we'll admit, I'm kind of struggling at the moment. And I'm sure there are many of those of you who are out there who are listening to this, who are struggling as well.

I think this episode is really, I think the real, yeah, it's really about having a discussion. about this normalizing this experience and it provides me with this weird opportunity where I get to kind of say to you what I would want to say to myself the things that would bring me comfort, the things that would make me feel better. So I'm hoping that you're able to relate to what we're going to talk about today, some of the psychological explanations, the social, the cultural, the biological explanations for why we're unhappy. So let's talk about it. Let's talk about what it feels like when everything is going right, but we still can't seem to really appreciate

that moment. That's what we're going to discuss today. Why do we find ourselves in periods of unhappiness or so-called depressive seasons? And what is the psychological explanation behind that? We're going to talk about what it means to be happy, what the definition of happiness is, why it's so subjective, you know, some of the biological and environmental and cultural reasons why we might be experiencing a really depressive and low period. But then also some of the ways that we can kind of move on from that, some of the ways that we can expand our horizons, expand our vision in a healthy way,

in a way that is sustainable, in a way that is validating of our emotions and our experiences. We're all about vulnerability here, but we're also all about growth. So if this is you, if you relate to any of the things that I've talked about, you're in the right place. strap in. I'm excited. Let's learn some things. Let's be a little bit miserable, be a little bit sad together today and hopefully come out the other end. So I think it's pretty appropriate to

begin this episode by talking about happiness and maybe even talking about the definition of happiness. It's such an elusive kind of emotional state, such an elusive word. I think the thing that's really interesting about happiness is that it's one of those weird for phenomena when we only really know it and can recognize happiness when we feel it and we only really are conscious of it during its absence. You know, there are so many periods in life where, you know, we're neither happy, we're neither sad and we don't really seem to think about it much, but it's during those low points and during those really high points that we're quite, you know, happiness is really on our mind and we're really thinking about it. I think happiness is also

really hard to create artificially. You know, we might try. through self-care and exercise and eating healthfully and receiving physical touch and support and comfort from our loved ones. And that's amazing. But sometimes we're in such a state where that can only go so far. And of course, there are also so many unhealthy practices that we also engage in sometimes, like impulse shopping and alcohol and drugs and meaningless physical connection. And although we know that those don't really create long-term happiness,

it really does contribute to this understanding of like this kind of recognition that all of us really want to be happy and it's something that's really hard sometimes to get to. So what exactly do we mean when we talk about happiness, almost from a scientific perspective, what is, you know, the science of happiness? There is so much, I think controversy and ambiguity and confusion around what does it really mean to be happy, you know, is it the absence of sadness, the absence of struggle, or does it mean, you know, a lot of pleasure or materialism and comfort? And this is a debate that I think we haven't really gotten to the bottom of,

and I don't think we ever will. But let's talk about some ideas or definitions of happiness. Some of the conceptualizations of what it means to be, you know, quote, unquote, happy, before we jump into sadness and unhappiness. If you think about it, I think the subjective nature of happiness makes it so incredibly difficult to define. kind of the problem. There have been, you know, so many discussions throughout the centuries about what happiness really means because it is such an elusive subject. You know, Aristotle

had this idea that happiness could be actually conceptualized or composed of two different things. It wasn't just one feeling. It was both pleasure and a sense of life that is well lived. And we needed both of those, both immediate pleasure and also a sense of purpose to be happy. I think that really kind of gets to the core of what this feeling is. You know, we can have all the pleasure that we want. We can have an abundance of delicious food, an abundance of sex, an abundance of static feelings and of happy experiences. But if at the end of the day we go home and we don't really have any ambition, we don't really know where we're going, we have a sense of being lost or of not having any purpose, it's hard to be happy, you know, without that. And, and, you know,

it kind of goes the same way. You know, if we have this really intense mission, this thing that we're working towards, but we don't allow ourselves to have those small pleasures throughout the day, it's going to be pretty hard to be happy in that instance as well. I think they both contribute equally. And there's also that other element of happiness requires even a deeper feeling of being safe and secure in order to be achieved. I think when I think about happiness, I often think about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. So for those of you who don't know what this is, it's kind of this, it's a theory more about motivation and what motivates people to kind of self-actualize and to become their highest selves. But it also applies to happiness really, really well. So basically,

Maslow constructed this hierarchy. And at the bottom was our most simplistic, basic needs, you know, things like food and clothing and shelter. And then there was safety, so things like things like job security being, you know, not threatened, not having this sense of impending doom, love and belonging, you know, we need friendship, we need family. And then there was those kind of high, top of the tier components of happiness, esteem and self-actualization. And only when we achieve those bottom components of the hierarchy, are we actually able to achieve self-actualization?

Are we actually able to achieve a state in which we feel, completely secure and, you know, completely happy within ourselves. You know, the needs lower down in the hierarchy must be satisfied before we can attend to the needs that are higher up. This model, I think, can explain why happiness can be so difficult to find and why it is sometimes not just elusive, but actually quite, yeah, not just elusive, but actually quite difficult. You know, we, it's really hard to be attending to every single aspect of this day in and day out. I think sometimes we also see happiness as material and as the physical contents of our lives. We're satisfied when we have a good job and we have heaps of friends, a place where we feel safe and money to spend things and on things that we want.

I think that's quite a shallow version of it. I would probably endeavour to say that people who see happiness as just the material or, kind of visual aspects of their life are never going to be able to maintain that happiness sustainably. But what happens when you do have everything? You know, we've talked about these different definitions of having vision and having passion and having security and pleasure and material items. What happens when you have that all? When you survey your life and you realize that for all intents and purposes. Anyone else, any stranger, any acquaintance looking in

would think that you're the happiest person alive, but you just don't feel that way. Like you just can't say it. You just can't say it that way. I think often when nothing external is going wrong, we look for an internal explanation, often to do with an irregularity with our neurotransmitters and our hormones,

and we like to kind of say that that is what's causing this inexplicable sadness or a low period, you know, from a dopamine in a biological perspective. I think it's also important to say here that being unhappy is not the same as depression. I think that's a really important distinction. Unhappiness and moments of sadness is very different to a diagnosed depressive disorder. I think feeling sad is a natural reaction to situations where we should feel emotional or upset. should feel pain. And that is completely normal, you know, without sadness. We wouldn't be able to experience the, you know, the joys of life. It's important to put things into perspective,

but it's also an important part of our brain and an important part of our emotional spectrum to use. But much like other emotions, sadness is temporary and it should fade with time. But it becomes a problem when we find ourselves in these prolonged, periods of sadness that are really difficult to get out of. And that's when we kind of enter into a discussion of depression. It's a mental illness. It's a long-term mental illness that impairs how we function in our day-to-day life and how we function in society. It's not something that can be overcome even when we try. It's not something to do often with our circumstances. It's something a lot deeper. And I think the difference between sadness and a depressive episode

or depression is that sadness can often be treated. You know, sadness is an emotional state, whereas depression is a mental disorder. And when it's left untreated, it can really, really impact on our life. You know, for those of us who have experienced it, we often see this lack of interest and enjoyment in the things that we love, you know, insomnia, trouble eating, you feel really restless and really agitated and tired and this sense of worthlessness. It's a lot more than just feeling really sad. And I think it's an important distinction to make if we're going to talk about unhappiness. And if you think your sadness and level of unhappiness might be more serious than just a hard period or a hard season of life, I do think it's important to seek clinical help

and to kind of reach out to a more professional kind of networks. and it kind of leads to this deeper discussion of why is it that when everything's going right, we feel so sad. And often we like to say that it's a chemical imbalance. That's one kind of perspective. It's one explanation. It's often said that depression kind of results from a chemical imbalance. Things in your brain just aren't kind of matching upright. You don't have enough of what you need to feel happy.

but I think that that is quite a simplistic explanation. Depression doesn't just spring from simply having too much or too little of certain brain chemicals. There are many other causes, you know, external causes as well. And there are so many forces in our lives that can kind of impact us to go through periods of not just intense sadness, but intense unhappiness. And chemicals are definitely involved. I think sometimes if we're looking for an explanation, it can be the right one. We need neurotransmitters and chemicals in our brains to allow us to function.

And when those chemicals aren't at the right level, when they're not being released at the right time or in the right amount, that's when we can experience some really intense lows. There are millions of chemical reactions that make up our minds and make up our mood and our perceptions and how we experience life. So sometimes if we are in a period of really intense sadness and you're asking that question, that question we're asking ourselves of why am I unhappy? It could be a biological explanation.

Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with your outlook, nothing to do with how hard you're trying or all the things you're putting in place. You know, neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin just aren't where they should be in your brain. And if you want to hear a little bit more about that, I actually did an episode on antidepressants, which is really interesting and talks about this a little bit further.

But let's kind of move beyond that explanation and talk about some of the environmental and social and cultural factors that can create almost an inexplicable unhappiness in our day-to-day lives. One of the big ones that I've seen so often with my friends and with my family that I think might be an explanation and could maybe even point you in the right direction as to why you're feeling this way is just existential dread. There is so much going on in the world right now. So many events, so many things that are really, really terrifying and pose an existential threat to our existence as humans. You know, it can be really hard to wake up each morning and feel positive and feel like what you're doing with your life is making an impact if we think about climate change, if we think about

you know, all the wars that are going on at the moment if we think about things that are happening in Iran and all over the world, the injustices, that kind of plague our society. And it can really get us down. Existential dread is kind of bad dread about the state of the world and where you see yourself in it. And sometimes it can contribute to an existential crisis. And that's this feeling of unease about the meaning of life, about your purpose in life. You know, if everything else is going to shit. You know, if the climate is kind of unable to be turned around, if humans are creating these massive changes to our ecosystems and to our way of life, what's the point of, you know, giving it fuck, what's the point of trying if life is kind of inherently pointless?

That can be a really dark place to go to. And sometimes we don't even consciously realize when the negativity we see in the media and from the news is kind of getting. into our brains and getting into our outlook. I think that kind of links to another point. Our lives have been fundamentally changed by things like social media. It has allowed us to be connected to the world in sometimes a really artificial and unnatural way. And not only does it elevate the amazing things that people are doing and elevates our ability to compare ourselves to others, but it also elevates all the horrible things that are going on in the world. And it creates this really kind of inorganic second world for us to live in where everything is heightened,

everything is intense. And that also has to do with comparison and this internal comparison game we play. It can be really hard to, you know, be happy with where you are and to be happy with what you have when we're constantly playing this internal comparison game and comparing our experiences and our emotional state to others. When we're used, used to judging our happiness from a point of relativity rather than from a place of honesty and a place of looking inwards, that can really do a number on our happiness and our sense of satisfaction. And social media makes that so much easier to do. Every day we're kind of forced to see these like amazing lives of our friends and celebrities and people that we know.

And it's a highlight real. Like I don't need to say that I think everyone knows. It's a highlight reel of other people's lives and all the amazing things they're doing. And it can be really easy to sit back at the end of the day and think, like, why is my life not that perfect? Why don't I have this? Why don't I have these experiences? And it can be a huge contributor to this sense of unhappiness in our 20s. I think we talk about this quite a lot on this show.

But this decade is a huge time in our lives for huge. massive life changes and transitions, relationships ending, losing loved ones, moving cities, losing jobs. These things really destabilize our life and some of the most stressful times that we will ever experience. There have been so many studies that have shown that things like moving even or losing someone or a breakup are potentially some of the most stressful things that you will experience and it takes a toll on our lives, it takes a toll on our happiness levels and our sense of stability and security. So I think you need to perhaps be gentle with yourself. If you're listening to this episode being like, I'm so unhappy and I don't know why because everything seems

to be going well, I think it's important to take a step back and think about, honestly think about and allow yourself to be almost a little bit selfish and a little bit pitying of what you may have been through in the last year, what you may have been through in the last six months, three months that has destabilized your life, even if it's been for the better. Things like leaving uni, things like moving cities or losing a loved one or going through a breakup, are going to create radical shifts in how we see the world and how our brain interacts with different stimuli and things in the world. And it's okay to experience unhappiness and a sense of sadness after these big changes. Our outlook as well determines so much of our emotional experiences and our emotional state.

I think there are some people out there who are just genuinely more pessimistic about life. It has nothing to do with their levels of gratefulness or anything like that. It's just the same way that we're kind of born with the personality and we're born with the temperament. Some people, you know, come out of the womb and see the world as a little bit darker than it probably is the same way that some people come out and see the world a little bit brighter and are a bit more optimistic. Our outlook really does determine how we see the world. So it's important to kind of have a think about how do you interpret things when things go wrong versus when things go right for you.

You know, if things go wrong, do you think about it as, you know, this is my fault? Do you put it all down to an internal explanation of I am to blame, this is on me? And then when things go right, do you, you know, is your explanation around luck, around fate? It's really hard to feel happy and to feel satisfied when everything that go wrong is our fault, whereas everything that goes right is out of our control. There are so many factors that contribute to feeling sad and feeling unhappy and uneasy in our 20s. And they're definitely ones I've experienced and definitely ones that we have to do a bit of soul searching about. I think a biological explanation is one of them for sure. Like I think that's something I've been

able to recognize is that sometimes our brains just don't produce what we need them to. And the kind of ripple on effects of that can be periods of really bad depression or periods of sadness. If that's something that you think you might be going through, like there are ways to get over that, but there are also cultural and environmental factors that contribute to our outlook on life. you know, the sense of doom around climate change is, or any other existential kind of crises or factors that are going on in your community or in your personal life or in the kind of global atmosphere as well can really impact our mental health in some very deeply unseen ways. And then there's things on a smaller scale, but that are just as impactful, like social media, like comparison. Comparison is kind of the thief of joy and with the rise in popularity of social media

the ease of being able to see every moment of other people's lives it can really create quite a negative and toxic cycle that leaves us feeling really uneasy and really unhappy. I will say sometimes it feels good to be sad. I know that sounds kind of dumb, right? Like we're talking about how much it's a struggle to sometimes be unhappy and not have an explanation for it. But sometimes it's important to go through periods of sadness. I think that's why we listen to sad songs.

I don't know, maybe you're not someone who likes to do that. But there is some kind of strange pleasure in the pain of listening to music that pulls at our heartstrings or that allows us to feel a little bit sorry for ourselves. There are some explanations around that. you know, it makes us feel nostalgic, but it also feels really human. It feels comforting that you can relate to someone else's experiences the way that they can relate to you. You know, it feels so much less alone when you're going through something really hard. You're in a period of deep unhappiness or sadness and you're able to hear that someone else has been through that as well. And not only have they been through that, but they've created something for you to relate to as

well. I think that is a really important thing to remember. We all go through periods like this. It's completely normal. If you're someone listening to this right now in a really hard spot, you know, it sounds cliche, but you're not alone. It's actually really normal to go through this, especially in this decade of our lives. There are some of the biggest life changes that we will ever experience are happening right now. Right now, you know, so many big changes that create novel situations and novel experiences for us that we don't really understand because we've never been through them before. And the pressure that puts on our ability to adapt, on our resilience and on our brains and our outlooks and our perspectives is often so understated.

You know, no wonder, I think all of us are bound to go through a hard point in this life. life. And I think we haven't even accounted for some of those other huge factors that you might be able to pinpoint, you know, losing a loved one, losing a job, going through a breakup. Like we said, these things destabilize us and they make it hard to see the joy and the beauty in life. And that sometimes contributes to this feeling of deep unhappiness and guilt associated with that, especially as privileged people, people who seemingly have everything. Or maybe you don't, but, you know, having a roof over your head and food and, you know, food in your belly and clothes on your back. Sometimes I think it's this sense of almost we're not allowed to feel bad.

We're not allowed to feel unhappy because how lucky are we? Like, how lucky are we? And it kind of contributes to this societal feeling and the societal pressure of guilt and shame for not feeling grateful enough for not feeling like you really are blessed, which is so toxic, but you're allowed to feel unhappy even if you have everything that you could want, even if everything is going right. It's not always in your control, like our emotional states, like I said, sometimes just as much, even if less in our control as our external environment. There are so many things that are interacting in our brains and in our bodies and in our external worlds that impact our

moods and impact our emotional states on a daily. So you don't need to feel a sense of guilt if you're not happy enough right now, if you're not appreciative enough of what you have. But I think it's important we also talk about how to move past this, how to change your outlook, how to change how you see the world to hopefully experience. experience a bit more happiness, this elusive word we've been talking about this whole episode, how do we curate our lives to be focused on happiness and focused on the achievement of happiness and joy and gratitude? That's what we're going to talk about in the next segment of this episode. Something that is so important to remember is that everything is temporary.

Every experience, every emotional experience is completely temporary. The same goes for unhappiness. The same goes for sadness. I remember when I was younger, my mom used to say to me, the only thing promised is change. And sometimes that is a really scary thought. But when it comes to periods like this one, where you might be really unhappy,

where things just like aren't looking up when you're really stuck in a rut, it's kind of a really amazing reminder that life promises, you that things will change and hopefully it can't get much worse like there really is up there the only way really is up and there are things that you can do to help yourself get there so many things we always say this on the show you have agency you have the ability to make small changes in your life and although periods of sadness and periods of depression even or unhappiness aren't

always within our control there are things we can do to kind of ease the pain a little bit And that's what I want to talk about now. I want to talk about some strategies, some methods for overcoming a period like this one, where you just don't feel particularly happy. Okay, I'm going to say something really cliche here. But therapy is incredible. It's amazing. Like, there's a reason that everyone, you know, it talks about getting therapy and everyone talks about how amazing and important it is to receive psychological help.

I really cannot overstate the best. benefits. I know it can be expensive. I know it can be inaccessible. And I know that not everyone has the same access as others in being able to receive this help. But if you are someone who does have access to it, if you're someone who is eligible for a certain program or is eligible for therapy or psychological assistance through work, you should absolutely do it. Even if you don't think anything is clinically wrong with you, even if you're just not feeling all right, you're just feeling a little bit off. It is still so, so important. I think going to therapy and receiving professional help in times like this, in times when everything just doesn't, you know, things don't seem to be

looking up, when it really has nothing to do with what's going on in your life. It seems to be more internal. Going to therapy provides, provides a place free of judgment in a way that, talking to friends and talking to family doesn't always offer you. People are always going to bring their own assessments of you and perceptions of you into any conversation about mental health or any conversation about what's going on in your life. But a therapist is not the same. It doesn't have, they don't have that same, that same bias or those same preconceived notions of you. It's a place completely free of judgment and shame. That's like what they're paid to do. They're paid to just listen to you. And you're able to really focus almost selfishly on just you, on just what you want to

talk about, on just what you're feeling. That is so rare. You don't get that in every other day-to-day experience of life. But when you do go and receive professional help, that's the whole point. Like, you are kind of the star of the show. You get to talk about whatever you want to talk about, free of judgment. And we don't always get that opportunity. I think. also they provide you with some amazing strategies for changing your outlook and changing daily habits in your life that might help you out. I do want to say I really hate this idea of almost toxic positivity or lifestyle changes as a way to get better if you're going through a hard period. I think often people talk about the endorphins release from exercise and eating well

and doing things that make you happy and, you know, doing things that make you feel connected with others. And those are definitely an important part of the equation. It is difficult to be happy if you don't connect with those around you and if you don't spend time outside and drink enough water and take care of your body. But that's not always going to be the solution. And like we said, this episode is really about those times when you are doing all of those things. You're doing everything right and you still don't feel completely okay. So I do really want to dispel this idea that simple lifestyle changes are going to cure everything you're going through. Sometimes that is, you know, the simplest explanation isn't the best one and sometimes it's not always in our

control. But it's also important to give yourself a bit of a fighting chance, right? And to try the things that you think might work, the things that may have worked in the past. And that kind of links to the next point. There is something to be said about finding small joys throughout your day and reflecting on them, especially when you feel like things aren't really going your way, like you have this inexplicable kind of black cloud lingering over your head. You can decide to think about what's going right. Think about what there is to be grateful for. And it's not in a way of shaming yourself or making yourself feel guilty for not appreciating those things before. It's just a nice reminder. Sometimes when we're kind of stuck in the mud and we're kind of stuck in

the dark times of our lives, it can be really difficult to poke our heads up and really survey the landscape and survey our lives from an honest perspective and realize how much we have. So it's important, I think, to maintain some form of gratitude list or gratitude journal. My really good friend Zoe does this. And I remember when I was going through a really hard time, maybe a couple of years ago, she told me to give it a go. And I really didn't believe her. I kind of shook it off. I was like, oh, that's not going to do anything. But let me tell you, even just that small practice of forcing myself to list five, ten things I'm grateful for every day, it changes, it changes your outlook on life. And it also causes you to search for those things. It causes you to go out into the

world and day by day think about things that are going to make you feel grateful for for another day, make you feel grateful for the life that you live. I remember I think when I was going through a hard period at the start of the year, one day the only thing that I was grateful for was like a chicken salad, which is so sad. I was like, oh, I'm so grateful for this chicken salad. But you know what? How beautiful is that that I was able to find just that one thing? And it was so simple. It was so basic and I think about it quite a lot like that it's such a beautiful practice to put your mind to. I also think it's important to recognize the environmental and social and cultural factors in our lives that may be contributing to unhappiness. Specifically, things that are pulling us down,

whether that is toxic relationships or toxic friendships or a toxic workplace, you don't have to stay in environments and in relationships that don't allow you to grow. You don't have to stay in stressful situations that are taking away from your ability to live the life you want to leave. Like, this is your life. You really only get one of them. So if there is something like that in your life, something that is wearing you down, something that you think is subconsciously or consciously making you feel sad or making you unhappy or making you stressed, you're allowed to change that. You're allowed to say no and you're allowed to remove those things from your life. There's also a lot to be said about this practice of almost scheduling happiness and scheduling

pleasure into your life. It's a psychological practice. I think that's what it's called. I think it's called gratitude scheduling or pleasure scheduling. So essentially, you schedule activities throughout your week and throughout your day that you know are going to make you happy. So be that signing up for a gym class in three days, you know, that's something to look forward to. Or saying to yourself, you know, oh, if I go into the office or if I see a friend today or if I leave my house today and go for a walk, I'm going to let myself get a really nice cup of coffee or a really nice sweet treat.

You get to decide the pleasure and happiness that enters into your life, and it's a really great way to retrain your brain into understanding the agency that you have over your emotional experiences. And that's not all the time. You know, there are always going to be instances in which things come out of the blue and really traumatic and awful experience happen that destabilize our lives and kind of push us around, and shift out and shift our outlook and shift our ability to cope. But when you build that resilience and when you build those strategies throughout your life

to be able to deal with those moments, you will emerge as a stronger person. Before we wrap up, I do just want to say, I really hope that we talk about this more and that this episode allows you to talk to your family and friends about this more. I'm going through a period right now where from the outside, I'm sure people think everything is going really amazingly well. And for many, many reasons it is and in many ways it is. But that doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to feel unhappy and that same can be said for you. You don't always get to control how you feel about experiences. And sometimes even when things are going really well, that can be incredibly overwhelming if that's not something that you expect or if it's a real surprise.

You're allowed to be overwhelmed and you're allowed to take time to process your experiences and what's going on in your life and above all else you're allowed to be unhappy, but I don't think you have to be. And if it's something you're seriously struggling with, I think go and get professional help. There's absolutely no shame in doing that. I think it's honestly something to be applauded and something that's. incredibly brave. You're deciding for you, that you want to be better, that you want to be happier. And that is just so incredible. So rarely do people actively make the choice to put themselves first and to improve their life. So if you have any doubt or if you have any desire

to do it, I would really say, go and do it. Go and do it now. Do it as soon as possible. And I think that you will really be better for it. You know, it's probably something I need to do as well. So it's a good reminder to me. And I just want to say thank you so much for listening to this episode. And if this is something you're going through, I'm sending you so much love and so much support and so much strength. Just by listening to this, I'm sure that you are already thinking about ways to kind of to help yourself. And I also hope this eases some of your guilt. You know, it's not always something that you've done and something that you need to change. They're a biological and cultural and environmental and existential things that are impacting us on a daily, it can be really

hard to remain true to a sense of happiness and to achieve happiness in our lives when all these other things are going on and you're doing an amazing job. So thank you for listening to this episode. Thank you for supporting the show, each and every one of you. It's so great to have you here. And if you do feel inclined, if this was something that you enjoyed, please feel free to leave the show a five-star review. It really helps the podcast grow. It helps the show grow. If it's something that you think someone else would benefit from, that would also be amazing.

And as always, I will see you next week for another episode. Thank you for listening. 2%. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilient. in our strange modern world.

Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWA% on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Look Back at it podcast. From 1979, that was a big moment for me.

84's big to me. I'm Sam J. And I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick you here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it with our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors. Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s.

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