The Psychology of your 20s - 67. Embracing your authentic self
Episode Date: January 12, 2023This week we discuss the psychology of authenticity and how we can discover and therefore embrace our authentic selves. We discuss what it is to be authentic, why we suffer when we are disconnected fr...om our true selves and the daily practices we can incorporate to live authentically, be vulnerable and consistent with our core self and values. Thank you to todays sponsor Athletic Greens. Please use the following link for a FREE one year supply for immune supporting vitamin D and five free travel packs at www.athleticgreens.com/JemmaSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Hello and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. It is so great to have you here back for us.
another episode. Before we get into it, though, I firstly just want to say thank you, a huge
thank you for all of the support in 2022. We are coming into 2023, into the new year, strong,
happy and ready for so many more interesting topics and episodes. And there is so much
to look forward to so much. But today we're going to begin our new year by tackling, I think,
one of the biggest and most underrated concepts that many of us will come across in our 20s.
If you've ever struggled with feeling like you don't know yourself anymore, you've become
separated from who you truly are, you change yourself, depending on the people you're around,
depending on your friends or your family, or you might just be feeling a little bit lost.
This episode is for you, because today we are talking about how to,
to embrace our authentic selves.
This is one of the most crucial things that we do need to accomplish in our 20s.
And although it's not easy, although it's misunderstood, the outcomes, the benefits, they're not
only lifelong, but they're pretty endless.
When we're able to really connect and be our true selves, be true to our values, be
honest about who we are and vulnerable, so much research, so many studies,
show that we are happier, we're more fulfilled, our relationships are better, and we are just,
you know, overall, better versions of ourselves. So today we are going to break down some of the
essential psychology behind embodying authenticity. We're going to discuss the true meaning of
authenticity and the reasons why it is so crucial. We're going to explore what happens when we
become disconnected or separated from our authentic selves and why this is happening more and more
in modern day society. And finally, of course, how do we find our way back? How do we fully embrace
who we are and live through our authentic selves through things like honesty, boundaries, generosity
and of course self-exploration.
There is so much to cover.
And the research, oh my gosh, the studies are fascinating.
I have been having such a crisis of authenticity recently
and it can be so incredibly painful, I think,
to feel like the version of yourself that you are presenting to others
is not who you actually are.
There have been so many times I have changed myself
for the people I'm around,
for the people I'm dating,
with the people I'm friends with.
And something I've realized is that, honestly,
life is too short.
Life is too short to not be exactly who you are.
So let us learn and grow together and explore how it is that we can embody
and embrace our authentic selves.
As we always do, let's begin with the basics.
Let's begin with the foundations.
So what actually is the authentic self?
The authentic self, it's sometimes known as the true self as well.
And it is a concept that's been around for a while.
And it's discussed back in history by people like Socrates and Freud.
Although it has a long history, I would say,
it definitely hasn't lost its relevance in the modern day.
And it remains just as important to understand,
especially in our 20s, when the pursuit of the authentic self, I think, is one of the most
crucial journeys that we all have to embark on as individuals.
Discovering our authentic self is also really, really crucial for our well-being and our
relationships, not just with others, but with ourselves as well.
If we don't have that keen awareness or that understanding of who we are or what we stand for,
I think it's one of those things where we can never actually truly be seen or understood.
So the depth of our relationships, the depth of our knowing of ourselves, the depth of our self-awareness is never going to be at the place that it truly needs to be.
So essentially, our authentic self is who we are at our very core when all of the distractions and the facades are gone.
and when we are truly stripped back and vulnerable, that's what remains.
That's our authentic selves.
And it's the part of you that would exist regardless of others' expectations,
regardless of where you are in the world or who you are with.
It's this essence, this deep essence of who you are as an individual.
In psychology, authenticity, it's more than merely trying to be ourselves.
It requires a lot more than that.
It requires action and truth and honesty and at the end of the day owning what you believe,
what you desire and your strengths and weaknesses, along with what you choose to do with all of those
things.
It's also not just something that we happen across.
It can take us years, years, sometimes even decades for some people to fully embrace and
discover who we are.
But once we do it, I think it is one of those things.
that never goes out of style. It never loses its merit. It's such a valuable thing to do.
So our authentic selves, it's made up of a few components. And there is a bit of a debate about
this within the discipline of psychology, about the contents of the authentic self. But the main
elements that tend to come up include things like our values, our beliefs, judgments, our desires,
our temperament, which is a really important one.
And then things like our mission, our creativity, our free will.
And finally, that recognition, that feeling, that acknowledgement of being alive, of being
our own person and of being in control of who we are and the actions that we take.
These are, I guess, what make up the authentic self.
But it isn't just a list of how we would describe ourselves.
isn't just a box of different things.
It's also a verb,
and our authentic self requires action to realize.
Individuals who we would consider
to live in alignment with their true self
or their authentic selves,
they are these people who are able to recognize
and accept themselves for who they truly are.
That's not just the good stuff, right?
I think often we have a tendency
to characterize ourselves by the things that we're good at,
by our jobs or by the things that we see merit in.
But in order to understand our authentic selves,
we also have to be able to recognize the ugly things about ourselves,
the bad things, our weaknesses.
People who are in alignment with their authentic selves,
they also strive to align their actions,
what they choose to do with their core values and their beliefs
in that hope of sinking everything they do,
and discovering who they are in kind of tandem with everything else in their lives.
So acting in one way at all times and in alignment with their true selves.
And these are the people who we see, I'm sure some of us know them,
who express themselves really freely, who act with consistency.
They are the people we see and who we meet,
who seem almost free from others' expectations, societal norms,
but mostly they don't deny who they are.
and they don't deny who they believe they are and what they want to do with their lives
and what their impact on the world will be.
This is because authenticity as an idea, but also as something that we embody,
it almost illuminates that path forward to live the life that you want.
When you are clear with yourself about what matters,
you begin to understand how to make decisions that are going to align with your goals
and with your identity and your core values.
And you begin to build a life for yourself that does have meaning and does have joy.
And I know if this sounds a bit like, you know, New Age Enlightenment, I don't blame you from
thinking this.
I can understand how a lot of the words we're using sound pretty wishy-washy.
But psychology as a discipline, as a scientific discipline, has shown us time and time again,
that this version of us does exist.
The authentic self does exist.
And the people who are able to access it
are by far some of the happiest people in the world.
And in contrast to all of this and the authentic self,
there is also this false self, right?
This inauthentic self.
And that refers to almost a defensive facade or disguise
that we tend to create to protect us
from judgment or to conform and to be who others want us to be.
This inauthentic self, it's viewed as doing our duty,
rather than acting out of desire and from a place of honesty and vulnerability.
And when people act in ways that go against or violate their true self,
often there are emotional consequences that come along with that.
You might experience negative feelings ranging from, you know,
feeling a bit uncomfortable in a situation to feeling really guilty all the time or really
shameful. Think about a time in your life when you did, when you did act in a way that you knew
contradicted who you truly were at your core. Maybe you were working a job that didn't align
with your values. You were distracting yourself with social media or acting in a way and treating
others that contradicted your beliefs. In that moment, I think we all know this feeling,
this tug in our chest, this panic, this distress, often some kind of mental reaction that
indicates to us that something isn't quite right. That feeling is in itself pretty revealing,
and it's something we have to learn to listen to, which is what we're going to discuss in a second.
But I think it's also important to acknowledge that there is this kind of longstanding debate.
right like we've talked a lot about the existence of the authentic self the fact that this thing is real
what some of the consequences are but there is this kind of i would say yeah this discussion this
debate within psychology about whether we do possess an innate authentic self that is
permanent and long lasting or whether this version of ourselves changes over time but regardless
of what you think one thing remains true
when we are disconnected from our core values, our purpose and our characteristics and our desires,
the result is not very pleasant and it's hard for us to be our best selves during these times.
Not embodying our authentic self can actually be quite painful.
You know, I've had a few times in my life where I've spent many hours crying in my car,
feeling really terrible about myself because I didn't know who I was.
When we're in our early 20s, we just feel so confused.
And we're trying to figure out, is this really who I am?
Is this what I want in my life?
Does this align with my values?
And I didn't know if anything I was doing actually did align with that version of me.
And although I wasn't able to identify what exactly
was going wrong, why exactly I was feeling that way, those moments were really scary and really
painful to experience because who really are we if we are not connected to our true self, the things
that we want, the qualities we embody, the person we are at our core. If you're going through
this right now, you deserve a lot of credit because it is so difficult and there's a reason behind this.
most psychologists which suggest that it's because we are ignoring and suppressing our authentic
selves in those moments and what we're actually doing is pretending and finding a way to mask who we
truly are this takes a lot of mental energy to pretend to be someone you're not and that exhaustion
has some pretty real mental consequences you know imagine if every single moment of your life
you were acting out some characters, someone else who you didn't really understand, who you didn't
really believe in. It's exhausting. It's like having a full-time job that the clock never stops on.
And additionally, we can feel a lot of guilt and shame if we're acting in a way that doesn't
align with our core values and beliefs. Because what it really does is go against this core
belief system. It's confusing and there's a sense of us that knows either through societal teaching
and societal learning that when we act out against who we actually are, the consequences are sometimes
severe and it can just be really painful. There was a recent study published in psychological
science and it found that hiding your authentic self, it produces feelings of immorality and impurity.
So throughout the course of these five experiments, these scientists, these researchers, got these participants to act out in these certain different conditions.
And participants reported that when they were made to be inauthentic, when they were asked to act in a way that didn't align with how they believed, it made them feel really immoral.
And it increased this desire to do something, to almost redeem themselves.
And on the other hand, when participants were able to act in a way that did align with their authentic selves or when they were asked to recall a time when they had behaved with authenticity, it actually made them feel really positive about themselves.
There are some other studies that really back this up.
One was in 2008.
It found that people who are more authentic, they feel happier, they have self-esteem.
They were even doing research on this back in the 90s.
And they discovered that when you show up authentically as yourself, this actually brings
greater satisfaction and lower stress levels, particularly in the workplace or in certain social
situations. Being authentic, it's also super important for our relationships.
I'm going to give you guys some more research here just because I think it is so fascinating.
In 2006, these researchers showed that authenticity increased satisfaction in romantic
relationships like threefold by a crazy amount.
When we embrace our true selves, we are honest.
We set boundaries and we don't need external validation to fulfill ourselves because we already
know who we are.
And all of this results in better relationships with others, whether it is family, friends,
or a romantic partner.
So there is someone who talks about this a lot who I absolutely love.
Her name is Brne Brown. If you know who I'm talking about, oh my gosh, sending you big kisses and love.
I'm a big fan. I think she is incredible and she did this TED talk a little while ago.
That was incredible. It was about embracing our authentic self.
And she explains how authenticity is an essential part of developing meaningful relationships.
I would really highly recommend listening to this TED talk, but what she essentially concludes is,
that people show up with their vulnerabilities and living their truth. And when they do this,
it allows them to truly connect and feel close to others. And in contrast, when we have that fear
of rejection, when we are scared, when we haven't really done the work to figure out who we are,
it often prevents us from expressing our authentic selves. They put up this mask and we
sometimes change our behavior in order to fit in and in order to have people think about us a certain
way and we're not doing ourselves any favors by acting that way. There is no doubt that pursuing and
embodying our authentic self can be really difficult, especially in your 20s when our brains
aren't even fully developed. Our ideas about the world aren't even fully developed and therefore
or embodying our authentic selves is going to be difficult.
However, this decade is particularly pertinent because although our journey, I guess, towards
authenticity is a lifelong process, there are certain times and certain periods of our
lives that are more crucial and more important in which that exploration is more permissible.
In our 20s, we are given this crazy opportunity to experiment and to make mistakes.
mistakes with our friends, with our partners, our hobbies, our jobs where we live, and we get to
identify what feels right, what aligns with who we want to be. And we also have an opportunity,
or I guess it also is the time in which most of us begin to question the beliefs that have been
ingrained in us since childhood by, you know, our parents, by our community, by general society.
And we get to decide whether these are what we actually believe or we're just kind of going
along with the flow and conforming to what is expected of us. It goes without saying, I think,
that our authentic selves are rather elusive beings. And I think in many ways, we are separated from
this version of us by things like technology, by our relationships, by people pleasing, by just
like the general busyness of everyday life, which keeps us disconnected from our core identity.
So although we might be able to recognize that this decade is important for this journey and important for this discovery,
there are so many things also occurring at the same time that are going to keep us preoccupied.
Because we also have been very, you know, the world around us has changed.
It's a lot more digital.
There are a lot more distractions and drama.
And during this decade, we often place a lot more, you know, a lot more importance in the significance of fleeting moments.
and our daily tasks and our jobs and our relationships and our breakups and the drama in our
friendship groups rather than the idea of who we actually are. And that keeps us separated. That
keeps us disconnected. And even if we are in touch with the authentic version of who we are,
the battle doesn't really stop there because there is such an intense pressure to conform to
social norms and societal expectations for who we should be. And what that kind of means is that often
we end up abandoning our wants, our desires, our individual differences to be perceived as quote
unquote normal and conform. This kind of pressure to conform, it's often really subtle, so much so
that it's not really noticed
until we get to the point of feeling
immensely dissatisfied.
When someone conforms,
they put aside their personal preferences,
they put aside their authentic selves,
and they go along with the group.
Because that's what conformity is all about.
It's about aligning yourself with the majority.
And a willingness to conform,
it stems from a deep desire
to be accepted.
and to have your membership to the groups that you belong to endorsed and you don't want to feel
you know rejected this isn't necessarily an innately negative thing right like it's super normal to want
to feel like you belong to want to be a member of your social groups and to have your membership
endorsed to feel like you're connected and welcome but it is a bad thing when it disrupts
your connection to your authentic self because that's the thing that's going to matter beyond
all of these things. Social groups come and go. Your membership to them will come and go,
but your authentic self is something that is always going to be within you. So how do we push back
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So there is this author. Their name is Kamau Ravi Kant. And they had this to say about discovering
and I guess embracing our authentic selves. I thought it was so amazing. When I read this,
I was like, this has to go on the episode. It's so incredible. This is what they had to say.
We don't stumble accidentally into an amazing authentic.
life. It takes a conscious commitment to figuring out what we stand for, finding our truth,
and it begins by looking inside ourselves, because when it rises from within, we have no choice
but to express it and to live it. I love that. I think that's amazing. I think that sums up
everything we're talking about, done and Dustin, we can move on, obviously joking. And, you know,
I can't give you all the answers, but some of the research I looked into for this episode,
completely aligned with what they had to say.
And there are some amazing tips for getting us to our most true authentic self and embodying
this version of us in everything that we do, every interaction we have, every relationship
that we are in.
So I'm going to talk through some of the things that we can tangibly do, some of the actions
that can make our authentic selves a verb like we talked about.
Firstly, I think I say this whenever we're talking about a process like this, but you actually need to be prepared to be super honest and vulnerable with yourself and to take a really hard look at yourself in the mirror.
And one way of doing this is by putting aside 30 minutes and asking yourself the following questions.
Firstly, what are the five biggest values that you want to embody?
What are the five things about yourself, the five values and qualities that you love the most in which represent you?
These values could be things like honesty, creativity, independence, strength, faith, love, courage, determination.
There are so many.
But each of us will have at least five major ones that we believe define us.
These are the values that we need to keep at the front of our minds.
because they are core to who we are, and therefore they're core to our authentic selves.
Secondly, I want you to reflect on what activities, what people, and what situations make you feel the most alive.
And a way to identify this is to consider the times in your life in which you've entered a flow state.
So our flow state, it's also colloquially known as like kind of being in the zone.
And it refers to a time in which we are completely engrossed in an activity to the point where time and everything else in our lives kind of fades away.
And this state of mind in which we are energized, in which we are focused and fully involved in what we're doing,
it's one of the highest states of consciousness that we can be in.
and it indicates that we are doing something that aligns with our authentic self.
Think about the friends with whom you can talk for hours, about everything and anything,
without looking at your phone or worrying about the outside world.
Those are the people to hold close because in their presence you can be authentic.
Think about the hobbies that you can be consumed by and effortlessly find yourself wrapped up in,
whether it's painting, running, I don't know, knitting, reading, listening to this podcast, I don't know, whatever it is, whatever it may be, these are the things that you should be doing more of.
And find time to be doing these in your daily life, if not your weekly kind of plan.
Set aside time to actively engage in the activities and the hobbies that make you feel alive.
It does amazing things for your brain.
It does amazing things for your well-being.
it refreshes you and essentially it connects you with your authentic self and finally consider the issues
the topics the ideas that really light your soul on fire which you could discuss for hours
these are the ideas that fuel you and they represent the intricacies and the desires of your true self
i think i've recommended these exercises in another episode but it's just as valuable here it's
so important. I do this at least every three months. It's so, everyone has 30 minutes in their week,
30 minutes in their month, just to sit down and really do some thinking about it and it benefits
you so much. It's like so, so powerful doing this. Take some time to really concentrate on it and
journal your thoughts on it. I promise the results are so enlightening and it does bring you a
step forward to your authentic self. Another tip and another, I think, crucial.
thing you need to do is to speak your truth with unwavering certainty. I know I said speak your
truth, but this also means representing yourself based on how you feel internally, whether that's
what you wear, how you present yourself, the conversations you have, who you choose to be around.
All of this is representative of your authentic self, and you do have to consciously and confidently
put this version forward without worrying about the judgment of others.
A lot easier said than done.
We've talked about a lot of the pressures that we find to lie, to create this facade to pretend.
And it takes practice.
But slowly integrating your deepest truths into who you choose to be.
And also recognizing when you're trying to conceal this version of you or change who you are because you think others won't like this person, that's a really valuable thing we have to learn.
And it involves taking daily actions towards authenticity.
and also setting healthy boundaries with people who don't respect that version of you.
I think often our authentic selves can feel like a really big abstract concept.
But when you really look at it, it really does just come down to daily actions.
Because in those small moments, you build consistency,
you build up that version of yourself every single day.
And the things you say, your decisions, your actions, those add up to who you are.
actualising an authentic life, it also starts with intentional planning and daily planning,
like choosing who we surround ourselves with, how we go about our daily lives, the jobs we work,
the places we live, and the small tasks and everyday behaviours that cumulatively build up into who we are.
Make some small intentions with yourself or resolutions to do the things that make you,
your authentic self happy, whether that is spending time in nature, nurturing others through acts of
service, you know, cooking for them, or speaking passionately about what you believe. Even, you know,
this is such a small one, but posting whatever the hell you want on social media. Social media is a
huge way in which we can seal our authentic selves. I've had times where I'm like, oh, I really want to
post this, but I'm not going to, because it's not how I want to represent myself.
And it's like, no, just post it.
If it's something you want to do, if it aligns with your desires, if it's your truth, you
should post it.
Because our authentic self, it's built on each minute, each action, each decision, we
deliberately decide to be who we truly are.
Learn how to trust yourself and be independent.
Often we become disconnected from our authentic selves because we're caught up in people
pleasing or conforming with societal expectations.
So take inventory of your life and decide what are the things that actually make you happy?
What decisions are you in control of?
And take control of them.
So often we do things we don't want to do.
We are in jobs that we hate.
We say yes to plans that we know are going to make us unhappy.
And with every choice like that, we make ourselves separated further and further from all
authenticity. So learn to trust yourself and say no to things that don't serve you and yes to things
that do. When you are able to discover how to be your authentic self through some of those tips,
through some of those ideas, through journaling, through daily practices, you live in the flow.
You're in a good state of mind and you trust your judgment. And what comes with that is this
marvelous, consistent embodiment of your core values and beliefs.
We feel more connected to ourselves.
And as the studies have suggested, that means we have better relationships, greater connection
with our environment and our internal world.
We're happier.
Isn't that something that everyone wants?
Like it might be really difficult to do this, but there are so many people that never
make this decision, who spend their entire lives being a fake version of their cells, not being
true to themselves. And most of them are deeply unhappy. And they get to a point in their life where they
have this crisis. You know, they're 30, they're 40, they're 50, 60 years old. And they look around
and they're like, I get one life. There is only a finite amount of time on this world. And I wasted
that time being someone who I am not. And here's the thing, like, no one is looking at you
as hard as you are looking at yourself. And the people who are their authentic selves,
I'm sure we've all met them, they're amazing, they're bright, they're brilliant,
and that could be you as well. Isn't that the most beautiful thing? Like, that could be you
this year. What's not, like, you know, what is not to love about that? Nothing. So if this is
something you're struggling with, I would highly recommend doing some of those mental
exercises we discussed and being conscious of the person that you want to be. I know you can do it.
And I think the other thing to remember is that although you're not going to stumble across
your authentic self, it is going to take time. That version of you already exists. It's already
within you and it can be discovered. I think it's so valuable to do in this decade. It's going to
benefit your life exponentially, incredibly. You're going to attract better people, better romantic
partners, better opportunities, and you're just going to be happier. So that was such a little bit of a
speech there, a little bit of a indoctrinated speech, but I really do believe it. And it's something
that I really want to focus on in this year in 2023. So if it's something that you want to focus on
as well, well, you know, do a bit more research, but I feel like this is a good place to start.
Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. That's all we have for this episode. I do feel like I could do a part two. Maybe not for a while. Maybe like a reflection on my own authentic self. I don't know. The idea has been swirling around in my head, but it's something I'm really into talking about at the moment. I'm talking about with so many of my friends. So I'm glad you could join in on the conversation. Thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode.
If you did and if you do feel cool to do so, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now.
It really helps the show to grow and to reach new people.
And I know I said it at the start, but thank you for all of the love and support last year.
This year is going to be amazing.
There are so many plans.
I'm so excited.
So if you want to be the first.
to know about those plans, please follow our Instagram at That Psychology Podcast.
You also get to pick what episodes I publish.
I do a poll every couple of weeks and let the listeners decide what they hear that week.
So if you want to be involved in the community in that way, please feel free to do so.
We would love to have you on board.
And thank you again for listening.
Happy 2023, here is to an amazing year of
being and embracing our authentic selves.
Hey, what's good, y'all?
You're listening to Learn the Hardway
with your favorite therapist and host Kear Games.
This space is about black men's experiences,
having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere,
but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing.
How many men carry a suit or armor.
It signals to the world that you not to be played with.
And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to,
Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.
2%.
That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available.
I'm Michael Easter.
I'm on my podcast, 2%.
I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world.
Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person.
Listen to 2%.
That's TWO% on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands.
I vowed. I will be his last target.
He is not going to get away with this.
He's going to get what he deserves.
We always say that trust your girlfriends.
Listen to the girlfriends.
Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
On The Look Back at it podcast.
From 1979, that was a big moment for me.
84 was big to me.
I'm Sam J.
And I'm Alex English.
Each episode, we pick a year, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it.
With our friends, fellow comedians, and favorite authors.
Like Mark Lamont Hill on the 80s.
84 was a wild year.
It was a wild year.
I don't think there's a more important year for black people.
Listen to look back at it on the IHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
This is an IHeart podcast. Guaranteed human.
