The Psychology of your 20s - 81. Date yourself instead ft. Lyss Boss

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

This week we are joined by Lyss Boss, the host of Date Yourself Instead, to discuss dating in our 20's, particularly what it means to deliberately choose to be single, how we can learn from past relationships and heal our attachment styles. Alongside this we dive into the psychology behind karmic relationships, repeating toxic patterns in relationships and learning to move on through authenticity and creativity. Listen now! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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target. He is not going to get away with this. He's going to get what he does. He's going to get what he deserves. We always say that trust your girlfriends. Listen to the girlfriends. Trust me, babe, on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. It is so great to have you here back for another episode, a super, super exciting episode because we are being joined by an incredible guest who I will let introduce herself in

just a second. But today we're going to talk about dating in your 20s. It's a bit of a series that we've been doing on the podcast recently. but today I really want to dive into knowing your worth, dealing with rejection and moving on. And I thought, who better to come on and share their wisdom than Liz from the Date Yourself Instead podcast. Hello, how are you? You're making me smile so much. I love your intro.

You have such a soothing, calming voice. I feel like you have like an amazing podcast voice. And thank you so much for having me on the podcast. I am such a fan of yours. I found you while I was scrolling through Spotify one day and I was looking for a new podcast that kind of had the same feel of mine, like self-help, self-love, self-care. And I found your podcast and I started listening to this.

And I was like, I would get along with this girl. She seems amazing. Oh, my goodness. And I feel like we do. Before we even hit record, where just like having a bit of a bit of a yarn, like having a bit of a chit-chat about everything and anything. So it was the intersection of worlds that needed to happen. Yes, I'm so excited.

I messaged you. I messaged Emma on Instagram and I was like, I don't know if she's going to answer because I feel like her podcast is better than mine. Oh, I don't know about that. There's no competition. I was like, no, I'm kidding. But honestly, like I really love your content. and like the message you spread to everyone and I yeah I just I love everything that you're doing so I am honored to be on your podcast today.

Oh and you know what the feeling is so mutual. I feel like we're just having a little bit of a hype circle here where we're just like we love each other. But it's true like if you haven't, well for people who haven't listened to your show, I feel like a lot of people who listen to the psychology of your 20s would get a lot out of date yourself instead. Do you want to kind of talk about what kind of episodes you do, what you guys talk about over on your show? Yeah, for sure. So I started the podcast.

It's called Date Yourself Instead. And I started it right after a really bad breakup that I went through last year. And it took so much out of me. Like I felt like my life had completely fallen apart. And I was so dependent on this relationship to get me through my day. I was very dependent on it to make me feel good about myself. And I realized when we had broken up that I didn't know who I was. And I felt really lost and confused.

So I eventually, after I went through the healing process, of course, I came up with this idea called Date Yourself Instead. And I started really working on myself and building myself back up again. And I decided that I wanted to also spread this message to other people that were going through similar things that I was going through. And what better way to do that than a podcast? So it became, I started one episode in the midst of my breakup and I realized that it was what I wanted to do.

Like I just wanted to help other women and men and anyone else that's going through a breakup. So a lot of my contents dedicated to healing, becoming the best version of yourself, and dating yourself. I love it. I feel like we need more content like that. What was the, do you remember what the first episode was on? I feel like there must have been, I also started my show after a breakup. I feel like that's like, I don't know, like it really pushes you.

Like it triggers you to take action. It does actually. Like I always say that a breakup is actually kind of sacred because normally you identify and find these entirely new opportunities that you've been entirely and completely blind to up until that point. But it's like in a breakup, right? There's like this desperation to reclaim parts of your identity that you feel have been like co-opted by that other person.

And starting a podcast is a great way to do that because your voice is kind of the only one that matters. But you also get to really step into yourself and really, I don't know if you find this, but you really have to contemplate the things that you're talking about and come to the table with some form of like mature thinking about it. So it kind of allows you to like undertake your grieving process and your healing process in a place of like almost accountability. I don't know. Is that what you kind of found?

I 100% agree with that. While I was going through all these emotions and I was at my worst, like I was literally at the lowest point of my life. I realized that if I wanted to help other people and create this content, I needed to be held accountable and actually follow what I was saying. So a lot of the time I would be recording episodes and I'd be going through certain things. And I felt like in a way it was like therapy for me because I was going through similar things that my audience is going through and I was able to speak on it, but it was also really healing. And yeah, I mean, I think when you're forced to kind of speak about it and make content about it, it kind of helps you in the healing process.

Yeah, I can only imagine. I can only imagine, but I've also experienced that. And I do think it's one of such a beautiful, beautiful way to connect with others. Was there any like, was there like a turning point episode that you did where you were like, oh, I'm actually coming through this? Like, I can see that the person that I was when I first started this show in a point of probably grief and just like total confusion has now evolved. Yeah, I definitely think.

After starting the podcast, I started talking about more than just breakups, just stepping into your power and knowing your worth, which obviously we're going to talk about today, which is super exciting. Just knowing your value and self-love is not just about, you know, working out and I guess like doing a self-care day. It's not really about those surface level things, I guess. I don't know the right word to call it. I don't know if it's surface level. or it's more like physical actions. Like those things help and they supplement self-love. But true self-love is really like inner work.

You know, it's actually looking within yourself when you're alone and you're not distracted by any external things. And I think the how to take your power back after a breakup episode really kind of open my eyes to a lot of different things about it's not just, you know, going for a run and clearing your head and talking to a friend. It's really looking within yourself. and understanding your value as a human being and understanding that if it didn't work out with someone that doesn't take away from who you are and that doesn't make you any less of a person.

And for the longest time, I would beat myself up over a relationship not working. And I would beat myself up over mistakes that I made in relationships. And yeah, that episode I think really covers a lot of that. There's a few, I'm sure. Yeah, I'll have to listen to that. I have to say I haven't been through a breakup any time recently, although I do still think it would apply to my general dating history. So maybe I'll definitely go back and listen to that.

But I feel like you just mentioned it. It's a great segue. Like one of the things I really wanted to kind of discuss today was self-worth and kind of your 20s, self-worth and dating, self-worth and relationships. And I feel like it is such an intricate interaction. between how we feel about ourselves, which as you and I both know, is not something that is surface level

by any means. It takes a lot of hard work. It takes a lot of honesty. It sometimes takes a lot of pain. But our self-worth really does have this, like, kind of bleed on impact on who we choose to date, how we approach dating, how we approach rejection,

how we approach even breakups as well. So I kind of was like, I want to hear you. your perspective on this, both anecdotal and from, I'm sure, like, people who have messaged you and research that you've done in the past. Yeah, for sure. I think self-worth and self-love, it needs to be the focus of your life in order to attract healthier relationships. And we're not taught this when we're younger. I mean, at least I wasn't taught this. Some people have really healthy upbringing. So I'm not going to speak on it, like everyone's experience. But for my

experience and a lot of other people that I'm sure can relate to this my childhood was not emotionally fulfilling in the way I think that I needed and it wasn't you know I'm not blaming my parents I'm not blaming other people because everyone's just doing their best and my parents love me but I just maybe I didn't really get the love and validation I needed and it kind of bled into the rest of my relationships as I started getting older and it affected my level of self-worth and self-love. So I would attract all these men into my life that didn't value me. And I really believe that you mirror your partners.

I believe that you attract who you are in a way and at what phase of life you're in. So when I didn't love myself, I would attract people who really didn't see my worth at all. And I think that's a key thing to note when you're exploring this conversation. concept of self-love and self-worth is that you kind of attract who you are. So in order to attract someone who's right for you and healthy for you, it's important to channel all your energy inwards and really work on yourself before you jump into a relationship as I've learned the hard way. Oh, I agree as well. I feel like it is there are two kind of schools of thought on that. Like you need to be healed before you can love or you can be healed by love. I definitely

fall more into like the first camp of like you need to heal before you can love and I think I had a similar experience where growing up like I was always kind of the ugly kid or like the fat kid or the strange child this is like oh but it's true and I fucking love that little version of me like she was just having the best time ever but at time she also wasn't because it was like I wasn't very accepted. I always felt like I had to change something about myself in order to fit in or I never really felt that my worth was something that other people could see. And I had to make that really obvious to them by being super generous or like changing something about myself or yeah, whatever kind of behavior it was. And I think it's not always acknowledged that your early

childhood experiences, like you said, are so fundamental and almost determined so much of how we see ourselves moving forward. And I think there was like this point in like my like late teens, like 19 or 20 years old where I was just like, oh my God, I have spent my entire life feeling like I do not deserve love. I do not deserve compassion. I do not. I do not deserve deep, meaningful relationships and friendship. And I kind of like surveyed the landscape of fallen partners and previous boyfriends and was like, wow, all of these people treated me exactly how I was asking to be treated. Because when you really don't see yourself as being worth much, the bar is so low and you accept that treatment because you believe that you deserve it.

Like, what's that quote from perks of being a wallflower? I know it's such a common one, but like you, we accept the love we think we deserve. Yeah, I've heard that before. That's a good one. Yeah, it's like kind of cliche, but it's also, I think as you get older, you realize that it's quite true, would you say? I definitely agree with that. And also back to what you had said earlier, that stuck out to me about the two different points of you where you know you can be healed by love or you need to heal before you dive into a relationship

whatever it is um i think it's obviously a case-by-case situation but i did have an experience once where i came out of an abusive relationship with someone that called me all sorts of things and it was not healthy at all whatsoever and two days later i met this guy that actually took me into his world and told me how beautiful I was and he helped me on my healing journey. So I will say that there's two sides to it. I don't think you need to be completely healed 100% because we all go through shit. We're human beings. We're never going to have this. Nothing is ever perfect. So you're never going to be fully healed 100% of the time. And as you get older, you realize that too is like, you're always going to have highs and lows and that's just a part of life. So,

I wouldn't say you need to be fully healed, but I think you do need to develop a sense of self-worth and know your value. And I think those are two kind of separate things. Yeah, I would actually agree. And I think it also like comes to the point of acknowledging your self-worth is kind of the first step on a long journey. And perhaps one of the most crucial, especially if you're someone who finds themselves in very similar relationships, time after time. it might be worth examining what the root cause of that is. Because obviously you've learnt the lesson, you don't need to go through another shitty relationship.

You don't need to go through another awful experience. So examining what it might be, you know, obviously there are some people out there who are just really awful narcissistic people who are never going to change. It's not your fault that they treated you like that. but it is worth examining like, oh, why is it that I tolerate this behavior or why is it that I find this attractive or why do I keep ending up in these situations where I know that I don't feel valued and I know that these people do not deserve me? Yeah, for sure.

I think we often tend to attract the same type of people over and over again if we haven't learned the lesson and we haven't looked within ourselves. And it's back to the whole concept of really learning about solving. love. It's not about going and having a spa day all the time, even though those things are nice to make you feel good in the moment, long term, how are you going to change and do the inner work in order to change your style of relationships? You want to hear something really crazy? Yeah, of course. Yes, please. I don't think I've ever said this anywhere, but I'm going to say it now. So I've had back-to-back relationships, three relationships in a row, with people who were super religious.

And it caused problems in all of them because the religion was always the divider between us. It was like a common, I felt like it was a karmic lesson of some sort because it was three back-to-back. No one, I've never met anyone who's gotten themselves in a situation like. this before. I don't think I have either list. This is very unique. I feel like it's a very unique story that I'll eventually share in more detail publicly. I think I just held off on it because I'm still trying to figure out the root cause of how that could happen. And I've done a lot of research on karmic relationships and karmic ties and how you keep meeting the same person in a different physical body over and over again until you learn the lesson.

I think that's a very maybe too spiritual and deep take on this, but I feel like part of my journey in this lifetime is to learn that lesson and work on that part of myself. That's something that I'm working on right now. I just thought it kind of tied into the whole idea of attracting the same person over and over again. It's pretty wild. That is insane that that happened. And honestly, evidence in itself, it's a comic lesson, right? It's the universe trying to direct you on a different path at this point.

Are you religious at all? Like, very intensely religious? I am not even, no. I mean, there's nothing wrong with being religious, but I didn't grow up with, I was raised Catholic, but I'm not, I don't define myself as religious. And I'm spiritual. I believe in a higher power, but I don't think too deeply into things. I just trust that the universe is there.

are guiding me. And there's nothing wrong with being religious. I was very drawn into people who were religious, maybe because I was constantly seeking new information, new perspectives, new beliefs. I love meeting people from different backgrounds and different cultures than me. So I think that ties in a lot to my identity. And I've always seen myself marrying someone of a different culture. I don't know why. I'm just drawn to people who, who are different. So I think that ties a lot into these people that I'm attracting. Like, maybe I should, you know, get to the bottom of why I need someone that's impossible to be with. Impossible to be with. Well, that's what I was thinking. I was like, how did you even meet these people?

Like, how, like, were you, how did you find them? Like, why was this repeating? Um, because I was like, if you were someone who was like, oh, I'm deeply Christian, I'd be like, okay, that makes sense. But the way that you put that initially being like, I've had these relationships with three people back to back who were super religious, kind of was like insinuated that you weren't. So that's actually such a good explanation. Maybe it's self-sabotage.

My therapist said this to me yesterday. Because I do, I, not as like crazy coincidence as you, but I've just like had these relationships back to back where it has started and ended the exact same way. They've all been these like, situationships where like three months in, I realize that this person doesn't want commitment. They've all been with like guys who like I need to mother in some way who are not capable of taking care of themselves like either I'm teaching them how to drive or like they're really

lonely in a new city or I'm like teaching them this or that or need financial support and they're all exactly the same. It's like ridiculous. Wow. That's I know it's so sad. That can be draining on a person, too, if you're mothering people in relationships. Oh, yeah. I was like, it was a lot. But I think it's interesting what you said about, like, what's the lesson I need to learn here? And I do believe that the universe will keep sending you the same person until you've learned that lesson. Oh, yeah.

I'm a product of that. I'm a case study. I really do believe that we attract certain people in our life based on lessons we need to learn. And that doesn't mean you can't end up together. Whoever if you're dating someone now, it's not always, you know, the lesson is you got to learn this and then you're done. Sometimes it's just about, you know, meeting people to level up and grow. And if you grow with someone and you grow with a partner, that's the best benefit of being in a relationship, in my opinion, is learning more about yourself, learning lessons and growing and evolving as a person.

So it's not all bad. You know, I did learn a lot. I did take a lot from these relationships. But yeah, it was the same situation over and over again. And part of me wonders if it was fully in my control because you can't really help who you have a connection with. You can't really help who you fall in love with. I've learned that the hard way.

I resisted. The last guy I was with, I found out he was. religious. It's not like I was like, all right, I'm on board. I hesitated so much. And I resisted it for so long because I said to him, I've already been down this road before. This is impossible. This can't work. And he was so persistent. And he was like, I really like you. And I really want to, you know, he was promising me all these things, which he was an amazing person. I have nothing bad to say about him. But the situation was the same. And I knew it. But yet I couldn't help myself. I just. There's something about it. There is something about it. That's really interesting as well.

Like by the third time round, you were like, oh no, no, no. Like, I've done this before. I've been here before, like a huge instance of like deja vu. How long did you end up dating him for? The last relationship was two and a half years. Wow. And yeah, and the thing is he was the best boyfriend I've ever had. He was an amazing partner. And he taught me so much about self-love because in my past relationships, I had been treated badly. So throughout that whole relationship, I think I took so much value with me because he treated me perfectly. I have nothing bad to say about him as a person.

And it was my worst heartbreak because he was such an amazing boyfriend. And the fact that there was this block in between us, there was obviously a lot more that I'm not discussing right now that happened. it was devastating, but also it taught me so much about who I am and also how I want to be treated because it set the standard really high. So from this point forward, I'm really grateful that I went through that because I know what I want. And it ties into that whole idea of self-worth. Like, I know what I want now and I'm not going to settle for a shitty-ass relationship. Yeah, it's just life is too short.

and I think that sometimes it's actually really ties back into what you were saying around people do you need to be healed to love or can love heal you and I think it is part of that rhetoric right like relationships are going to teach you things about yourself and one of those might be what your worth is how you deserve to be treated and it's not like you need a relationship to teach you that it's not like you can't figure that out for yourself but sometimes it is such a an intense experience to finally be in a situation and be like, wow, this is what it is normal. Like, this is what I should be expecting. Like, you learn so much about yourself. But I do also think, I do think that you learn a lot from heartbreak as well. And I would say that I've learned more about myself in those periods after a relationship or a situation has ended, then what I've learned during the relationship, because it puts my whole life into perspective, I'm kind of like taking count of all my lessons, trying to figure out

where I stand, why it didn't work, and what I want next? Like, would you say that, obviously, I'm assuming this was the guy behind the reason you started this podcast, right? Yes. Oh, wow, look at that. Yeah. So obviously. It was. And it, obviously, there were, a lot of things I took with a breakup, including being productive, starting a new project. And I talk about this on my podcast as well about turning pain into creativity. Because if you're going to take something positive out of a breakup, it has to be something that makes you feel good, right? So why not start a new project? Why not start a new passion project that you've been thinking about and holding off on because you were consumed by this relationship?

Relationships take up a lot of time. I mean, from my experiences, if you have someone constantly coming in and out of your life, it can be very time consuming. So putting your new, I mean, I guess when you have more time on your hands after a breakup, you have more time to get creative and you have more time to. work on new things so i started the podcast it was a blessing and disguise i say yeah i agree and i do think it's like sometimes rejection i love this phrase i know it's like a super common one but like rejection is just redirection and as i've gotten older i realized how much that is the case like every relationship that didn't work out has sent me to a new place in terms of my personal growth or like you know that my last three people that I dated, it was like one of them, I started this podcast. The next one,

I moved to Sydney because I was like, I can't be in the same city as you. So, um, and then like, so where were you living? I was living in Canberra. Most, do you know what that is? It's like, yeah, so I, I studied abroad in Australia for a year. Oh, really? Wait, in Canberra? No. No, no. Um, I was in Bundora. Andorra? I don't even... Do you know where that is? I live here and I don't even know what that is. I'm dead.

Where is it? Okay, so this is so embarrassing, and I don't want to go off to off topic, but I didn't do any research before I went to Australia. Like a fool. I don't know why I didn't ask someone for help. And I booked this university called La Trobe, which is in the middle of absolutely nowhere. It's literally in the middle of nowhere. It's on a farm in Bandora. That's where it's an hour outside of Melbourne.

So I thought I was going to Melbourne and I got there and I was on a farm and I made a huge mistake. Oh, frick. That's not good. I went to Sydney. Did you have fun? I went to Sydney for two weeks. I explored Sydney for a bit. I did all the major cities and places.

I didn't miss out too much. So, yeah. Yeah, except for like all those weeks when you were in the... middle of nowhere. Yeah, I was definitely sad that I made a huge mistake, but I would travel a lot and I, yeah, I was, I was all over the place, so it wasn't too bad, but huge mistake. Lesson learned to do your research before you go to a new country. Yeah, don't go to Bandura. Like, when the locals don't even know where that is, then you know that you're in trouble. That's really funny. I also grew up in Melbourne, so I should know, but that's crazy.

I don't know how we enjoy... Oh, yeah. Yeah, so I used to live in Canberra. I like, did uni there. And I met this guy and, oh my God. Like, my first impression of him was like, this guy is totally, you're totally out of his league. Like, absolutely totally out of this guy's league. and then he kind of just like wore me down

one minute I was like I could never one minute I was like like stop messaging me getting the ink and the next minute I was like and the next minute I was like madly in love with him and I was like where did how did this happen like this happened like overnight it was also during COVID lockdown so you know

everything's a bit more heightened I always call it like COVID goggles oh yeah it was oh my god it was totally a COVID goggles I was like, oh my God, because in Australia, like, you could go and see like an intimate partner. So I was like, ah, this means I can leave my house. Like, yes. Yeah, but like, sorry, off track, but that relationship is what really pushed me to move to Sydney.

And I think if I had still been with him when I was moving, I probably would have moved back to Canberra. Because I, there was just such a pool there. Like, it was what I knew. But because that relationship, um, um, But because that relationship had ended, I was like, well, I guess I got to stick it out. And then the last one was just someone who taught me so much around, I guess, like we said, self-worth. And it was like the first person who I was like, wow, you actually treated me really well. And I really liked you, but this was actually not going to work.

And it's because that I actually need something more from this relationship. rather than you just being kind to me. And it was one that I realized that, like, that's the baseline. Like, that is the bare minimum is to be a nice guy. I don't need to fall in love with someone just because they treat me with respect. Oh, yeah. That's a, you're so wise. It was your birthday, like, today, right?

Yesterday? Oh, like two days ago, yeah. Well, happy birthday. Another year around the sun. Thanks. Yeah, like, how old did you turn 23? Yeah, at 23. So I'm still a baby.

No, you're so wise. Like, you definitely had so many past, I believe in past lives. Maybe this is a little bit strange, but I think you had so many past lives because you're just, no, you're so. At 23, I was still going through a lot of different experiences and I had no knowledge of what self-love really was. So I'm blown away by your content and like everything you speak on. so smart and mature like it's crazy i'm i'm 30 so i like i've been through you know that from 23 to 30 i've changed so so much and i've grown so much um but it's so amazing that you're so young and you've like you have so much wisdom under under your belt already thanks what would well maybe we can use

this as like older sister vibes like what advice would you give me now that i'm i'm i'm 20 I'm still battling through a lot of like shitty dating experiences and bad boyfriends and rejection and hookups that like you want to be more, but they never eventuate. So what's your like major lesson that you could share with us? I think a lot of it comes down to just knowing who you are and knowing what you stand for outside of anyone else, whether it's a friendship or a relationship or your parents, or anyone, just taking alone time to know who you are is so crucial. As I've gotten older, I've realized that when I mesh energies with people and I'm surrounding myself with friends and

family and relationships all the time, I used to lose myself so easily. I used to give my energy away and my value away so easily to people who didn't deserve it. And I always tell people, if you're feeling a little bit lost or you're not sure if someone's right for you or you're anxious and you're questioning everything, take time alone to really get your thoughts in order and actually know what you stand for, what your values are, what you believe in, what your boundaries are, what's important to you. These are things in my early 20s I didn't understand. I never had anyone guiding me. And I would just dive headfirst into relationships with guys that literally didn't give a shit about me.

And I would spend all my time focusing on that instead of focusing on myself. So I think that's my best advice. I hope that answered that question. I just rambled. But just taking time for you and really knowing who you are as a person, knowing your identity is going to save you a lot of time and a lot of heartbreak. because now at 30, I won't tolerate anything less than what I deserve, and I know what I deserve now.

And I also will say, don't be too hard on yourself because you kind of need to go through shitty experiences in order to evolve and learn the lessons. I would agree. I would say very few of us end up with the first person that we date. Oh, yeah. We all have these experiences that, will, I think, are valuable because they shape who we are.

And I don't know about you, but like I look back on a lot of them and I'm like, I'm so grateful that happened. Not all of it. But like, do you have that experience when you look back and you're like, that was awful at the time? But I'm so grateful that I went through that. I do. I think I'm grateful for everything that I've been through, even though there was a moment in time where I thought my world was ending.

it was the worst heartbreak that I've been through two years ago with that guy I'd mentioned. And I would always ask myself the question of why am I going through this? Why am I feeling this type of pain? Why do I deserve this? Because I'm a good person and I love someone and I'm being, you know, thrown into this pit of pain. And now, obviously it takes time to sometimes get to a point where you feel okay. Now I look back and I've grown so much and I'm so, so grateful for everything that I've been through and I wouldn't change a thing.

Even though I went through the worst pain of my life, I definitely would not change a thing. So I think, yeah, everything teaches you something and that's a really healthy perspective to have too. You know, it's a healthy perspective that's going to get you through life because shit happens all the time. So. Yeah. Just about how you deal with it. Yeah, rejection is just redirection, I guess. And also I do really love, like, the value of solitude sometimes.

You learn a lot about yourself when you hold up a pretty deep mirror into your soul. And when you aren't distracted by temporary relationships or, like, I don't know if you have this experience, but I often find that whenever I'm having, like, negative emotions, my first, like, my first, like, my first, reaction is to just like fill up my calendar to like have dates lined up to like have dinner plans to be calling people all the time because like that level of like extraversion and social interaction is such an amazing distraction can be like oh I get to focus on these people but something that I've learned like the older I've gotten not that I'm particularly old at this stage but like the more years I've spent on earth um

is that taking like a time like once twice a year to just like separate yourself go away for like four days just do something that is entirely within like entirely like entirely like a solitary activity even if it's just like more regular like turning your phone off sitting at like your table and just like painting like that creative expression we talked about you just see so much growth in yourself so quickly because it's at that point that you don't have to be thinking about what other people think about you. You don't need to be thinking about the impressions of other people. You don't need to be thinking about what they expect or what's next. You can just sit with your emotions and be like, this is actually how I feel about a situation.

This is how I feel about my feelings. And you can move forward with clarity. I don't know if you agree with that or if you want to add to that. Yeah. I mean, it's so easy to get lost in other people's opinions of what you're going through. if you're constantly asking people for help. And it's okay to ask for help, of course. We all need help at certain points of our life.

I just think sometimes you have to listen to your inner voice, and that's the voice that's going to guide you the most. And I've definitely had, you know, friends give me advice, and family give me advice. And I take it with a grain of salt, but you're not really going to listen to anyone unless it's something that you really want to do. And that's something that's really, like if you're not,

ready to heal, you're not ready to heal. You're not going to be healed by someone saying, okay, you know, get out of bed and start your day. That's not going to help. The only person that you could really depend on in times of, I guess, hardship is yourself. So that's why I always emphasize the importance of really knowing who you are and taking that alone time. And I totally agree with that. I think, you know, just having that time to yourself is crucial in order to really know how to love yourself but that doesn't mean you can't also be social and also hang out with people and see people it doesn't mean you know crawl in your bed and never leave but i think it's just important to separate your energy from everyone else's every now and then just to recharge and re-center yeah that

i think that's an amazing point and an awesome way and kind of an awesome point to finish on it's been such a lovely discussion you know we've talked about like to summarize it all. We've really worked through so many different things that I think come up on our self-love journey, but also on our dating journey as well. Self-worth, dealing with rejection, alone time, the creativity and opportunities that come from heartbreak. So, Liz, thank you so much for coming on and sharing all your wisdom. Thank you so much for having me. I loved that conversation. And I hope that helped all of you. of you and I hope that was a you know productive conversation I feel like we could talk for so long

I lost track of time yeah I did as well I'm thinking part two has to happen because these are the conversations I love having honestly because I often feel like these are the conversations that a lot of people like I want to have these with my friends but sometimes like that doesn't happen so I'm like come and come and listen to us dissect our love lives for your entertainment I love doing that And also, I'm just going to give you a podcast a shout out. Date yourself instead. If you're not listening to it, it's amazing. It's super valuable content, especially if you're someone who's going through a hard time in terms of your romantic life.

I couldn't recommend it more highly. If you're listening, you really enjoyed this episode. I know that we both did a lot. Maybe you want to share it with a friend. If it's something that a friend needs to hear, please. feel free to pass on the love. If you did enjoy this episode, please leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. It really helps the show to grow and reach new people. And if you want to know more, if you want to be ahead of the news, ahead of the

episodes, follow me at That Psychology Podcast. I post a lot of updates around what's coming next, merchandise, guests that are coming on. And also once a month, I let you the listeners choose what episode comes out next. So thank you so much and have a lovely week. We'll be back soon with another episode. Hey, what's good, y'all? You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Care Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that's really not safe to have anywhere,

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I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Gillespie and Michael Mancini. My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police.

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