The Psychology of your 20s - 85. 'Daddy issues' and dating in your 20s ft. Violet Benson

Episode Date: April 27, 2023

This Friday we sit down with the wonderful Violet Benson, host of the podcast Almost Adulting, also known for her famous meme account, Daddy Issues, as we discuss everything dating in our 20s, specifically the truth about daddy issues, healing childhood trauma and parental relationships and how to reestablish your boundaries and standards. That, and so much more. Listen now! Follow Violet everywhere:  Almost Adulting podcast - https://open.spotify.com/show/7IY1Gjc1uktmDCmNLA0HXo?si=14792ff30f75463e Violet Benson - https://www.instagram.com/violetbenson/?hl=en Daddy Issues - https://www.instagram.com/daddyissues_/?hl=en  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. We have an exciting, exciting guest today for a very exciting topic. We do the series on the show called Dating in Your 20s and our guest has decided to join us and share some of her own wisdom. Violet, how are you going? I'm well. Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here. Yeah, of course. It felt like such a natural fit, honestly. So Violet, if you do not know her, is the host of the Almost Adelting podcast, otherwise known as Daddy Issues online, some amazing advice given over there and just like some hard truth skilled. So I feel like this is going to be a great episode. Yeah, I'm excited. Thank you.

Yeah, we got, we got really, we got on really well before we started recording. So that was, that's always good. Yeah. Well, I felt like we were sitting in like the zoom talking because you're in LA. Yes. Yeah, and I'm in Sydney. And we were sitting on the Zoom. I think for like half an hour, just actually just having having a yarn, as they say in Australia, having a little chat. Um, so I was like, about to support facts. Everyone's open your ears wide. That's so cute. Okay, your phrases. I could tell you, Australia, the minute you said the word heaps when we're talking in DMs. I'm like, okay, so you're in Australia. What, what is it? Heaps? Yeah, you said heaps. There's heaps something.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I totally say that. So it's so funny because I don't notice it until I'm on calls with people who are based in the US or based in London. And they'll be like, what did you just say? And I'm like, I don't know. I also got this like random DM from someone the other day that was like, you pronounce all of your words incorrectly. Like, and I was like, yeah, she was. And then she like was like, these are the words that I heard in your most recent episode that

were wrong. And I was like, I've got an Australian accent. Like it's not. I know. Yeah. It was so strange. No, it's a real thing. I have gotten before negative reviews on my almost adulting.

podcast and mean DMs, when people get upset with me, when I don't pronounce myself, when I pronounce someone's name or word incorrectly, even though English is my third language, people forget that whatever countries you're from, you end up pronouncing words differently. Yeah, exactly. Americans forget that. Yeah. That's so interesting as well, considering that English is your third language. Yes. Like, come on, give you, be nice about it. I feel like if they also spoke three plus languages, they are welcome to criticize. But if not, yeah, it's kind of like if you were trying to speak French right now, because of how you grew up speaking English with your Australian accent, you will not be able to have the proper accent that French people have. Because I speak Hebrew,

I have the perfect French accent when I speak French, and I'm able to mimic it perfectly. But Americans will not be able either. And I will be able to say a lot of words, but that you guys won't be able to because of how I grew up. So it's the same thing. then people from other, to speak other languages, can't pronounce her in English words, because we've never learned how to pronounce it like that or our mouths don't move in that way. I don't know how to explain it. There's just words, some words that we just won't be able to ever pronounce. I'm not even going to try and do that ar sound that you just did.

I feel like it's going to be so embarrassing because I unfortunately only speak one language. Anyhow, look at that. We're already off on like a massive tangent. What we're really here to talk about today is dating. in your 20s and I feel like you have a lot of wisdom. Even before we jumped on this call, you were saying you're in like a long-term relationship for most of your 20s, aren't you?

Yes, I was. I was in, wouldn't it be funny by just thinking. If I was one of those guests, he asked me a question, I'd just say yes. Yeah, go for you. Oh my God,

I'd be working hard. Okay, so yes, I was in a relationship, most of my 20s. I was on and off with my second boyfriend. I basically growing up and I started dating when I was 17. I was very much a late bloomer. I wasn't interested in boys. I moved to America when I was 14.

I was just trying to figure out how to speak English. And it was not even thinking about boys. I did not get them at all, especially Americans and in Los Angeles right away. It's a whole different world with those kids. And I had my own issues growing up aside from, I was more with birth defects. It gave me a lot of insecurity as I stayed away from boys until late teenage years, but also I grew up, as I'm known as daddy issues. I grew up with daddy issues when I go through my teenage life. So of course, that subconsciously formed the way I started pursuing my partners.

I didn't know this yet. You don't know this as a child and you don't know this as an adult that a lot of the pattern of who you date has a lot to do with your childhood. trauma. You don't realize that yet. So the guy that I was just, it wasn't love, it was obsession. He was my drug. And I didn't know why he was my drug, but I was addicted to him. I was addicted to my relationship for eight years. It was on and off and he was just my everything. I mean, when, when every time we break up, I, I would not, it almost felt like I couldn't breathe. I was a person that I didn't want to get out of bed until he spoke to me, until I knew, were going to be okay. It just felt he was my everything. And of course, when you have those type of

partners, they love it. But guess the type of person I ended up attracting emotionally unavailable partner. Did I realize that? No, of course I didn't. I just needed him to love me. And for eight years, it was this constant chase, maybe one day he will love me. And I did everything I could to be better for him. For eight years, I was shaved my body every single day. As long as we were together, my body shaved every single day. I want to be beautiful for him. Did he still? Did he still? cheat on me all the time? Yes. Did I know? No, because I secretly didn't want to know. I secretly didn't want to know that because I think I didn't then want to deal with what would happen if I found out because then I would actually have to leave and that's a whole other thing. Did I love

myself when I was growing up? No, of course not because if I did, I wouldn't have stayed in that relationship. But I think everything that happens to us, including people we date, it's not in a way that you look back and you think, I can't believe I gave him all my 20s. I can't believe I did this. It's more That was a life lesson. And the reason I stayed with my partner for so long was because the universe was teaching me over and over again the same mistakes that I was just for some reason not learning. And it wasn't until I'd learned how to love myself that I removed myself in that relationship and start working on myself. Do I have some regrets that a part of me wishes I didn't give so many of my 20s to someone? Just one person, yes.

But that's what I needed in my path to learn. I wish I didn't only exit that relationship in my late 20s and early 30s. And that was the first time I learned how to date or I had to unlearn everything I thought love was. I had to unlearn what I like, what I don't like. Because when I got up with that relationship with him, I tried to date guys afterwards. And I would pick fights with them thinking that was going to make us closer. I would pick fights to get that tension because that's what I grew up with my dad when I was. I was young, where my dad forgets I exist. So I have to act out. And when I act out, even if he beats

the shit of me, at least he notices me. So then accidentally in my relationship, end up being the same thing where we would fight, and that's when my boyfriend pay attention to me, and then we're fine. That was so insightful. I was so, so insightful. And I think it really goes to show the complex interaction between how we were raised and how we approach intimacy and romantic relationships. And I think people often don't think that those are linked, right? They're like, okay, well, you know, my childhood was a discreet time in my life, and my adulthood or my adolescence is also a discrete time. And there's no overlap.

But it's like you really are still the same person that's traveled through all of those experiences and the trauma that you take from those will be brought into every chapter of your life. What do you think it was about your attachment style or how you were raised or your childhood that led you to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people. Okay, so here's the thing. A lot of people when they listen, they think, well, I don't have daddy issues that I can't relate, but they may have mommy issues,

or they think I grew up with both of my parents together, or I grew up with our parents, or whatever your dynamic and you're growing up is, you'll be surprised, but everyone has some type of childhood trauma without even realize it. And trauma is not as bad of a word as people think it is. It just means it's what formed you into the human being, the adult that you are.

And it's up to you now as an adult to unlearn a lot of these things. So again, even if you think, well, my dad was really nice to me. So was my mom. Let's say there's guys out there. Their mom loved them so much. Guess what? They have mommy issues where they now attract women like their mother and they hate them. They're repulsed by them because they feel suffocated and it reminds them of their mother.

So then they end up chasing women who don't love them. So everyone has their own weird type of dating stuff that has to do with your parents until you realize it's happening and you have to learn it. But you have to be self-aware. So I attracted my partner who I was obsessed with who was my second boyfriend because my first one were just chilling, but my second one was like a drug. Because he was emotionally unavailable, which was similar to my father. And the reason we end up attract these type of partners, not just emotionally and available. anything that feels familiar. Anytime in your life you meet someone and one person you meet and you're like, okay, maybe I'll go out with them a few times.

Maybe I like them. Then someone else you mean and you're like, whoa, I like you. What is this feeling? I don't get it. But if I love it and it's because it feels familiar. And the reason I feel familiar is because it's a childhood wound that you have inside yourself that hasn't healed. and your body feels at home, but not in a good way, in a way that something hurt you when you were a child. And that's what's reminding you of.

And what's happening is, this is the psychology behind it. We attract partners that are similar to our childhood traumas or our parents when they hurt us, because it's your brain hoping to revisit the same situation that happened to you in the past, and it's hoping that the outcome will be different this time. So if my father was emotional and available, which he was growing up, but because I didn't understand his love language yet. So nothing I say is in a way where I want anyone to feel sorry for me because I've worked through that.

For me, my father was emotionally unavailable. He didn't know express his feelings. And he didn't hug me or kiss me until it was 24, 25. And that's because I changed the cycle in our family because I made that choice. But until I decide to make that choice, I was dating guys like my dad, including my ex. So I started dating a man who was also emotionally unavailable. And my brain was hoping maybe eventually this guy will love you. So even though when you were growing up as a kid, your dad didn't love you,

this man will finally give you the validation that you've been searching for years. And guess what? It didn't happen. Because no matter what I did, I wasn't enough. Or that's what it felt like. Because love first has to start with you. That's the longest relationship you're going to have in your life. It's a relationship you have with yourself.

You can't continuously seek this outside, outside love. if you don't love yourself because you don't know, not to mention, I don't know what love is. I grew up with a dad who didn't kiss me or hug me or tell me he loves me. What do I know what love is? I see my dad being cold. I think that's love. So that's what I attract. Just like I have friends that grew up in a very abusive households where their parents were fighting all the time.

They end up attracting a partner that they're fighting with all the time. They think that's love. So many of us don't realize, but we don't even know what love is. I agree. Honestly, and especially as people in our 20s, I think love for us is sometimes just a feeling and we think that it's passion and we think that it's chaos or we think that it should just be this like easy thing. And we really don't know because I think just like trauma, love is also incredibly subjective. But it's interesting that you talk about how you like shifted the dynamic because I feel like when I've done a lot of work with my own therapist around my attachment style and and all that comes with that.

think it doesn't just have to do with your parental relationships. You know, as a child, I was really bullied, was really badly bullied. And I never really felt like anyone liked me that I was like wanted or desired as a friend. And then as I got like later into my adolescence as someone people wanted to date. And so as soon as I went to university and like people were like attracted to me and there was alcohol and I was, there was all this freedom and I was living in college. I had no standards for myself because I was like, well, I have this inner childhood wound of not feeling wanted and feeling unlovable. So the moment that someone comes in and is like, you know, even just wants to have sex with you, they don't want to give you anything more. My brain was like, well, that's showing that

they want you and that's like a really, that's something that you've always wanted. That's something that you're really like you've always desired. And wouldn't it be amazing? to finally have that. So I basically just didn't have any standards for myself and would attract people who treated me badly or who were like almost cruel or super ambivalent towards like our relationship. I don't know how to you. You didn't know what love was. Of course, of course you equated that to love because you did you said I felt unlovable. People didn't want to be my friends. And and the thing is that was the reality you create to yourself. And when we feel that way about ourselves, it doesn't matter what's happening on the outside. We don't see it. And eventually you grow up and

you realize, wow, all these people around me are trying to love me. And I'm not even seeing it because I'm so focused on the people who don't love me because I grew up feeling unlovable. So again, you don't know love it. So then you only then end up being drawn to people who don't love you or you end up being drawn to someone that even for a night gives you sex because in that moment you feel desirable and you feel wanted. And I, for the longest time with my ex-boyfriend, all we had really is sex. We didn't really talk. I didn't know how to open up to people. I never talked about my feelings. So I did, even though that was my one partner sexually, all I had to offer him was my body. I wanted to be beautiful for him. I was having sex with him. So I also equated sex with love. And that's the

thing that a lot of women do. And I've tried to talk about that before. And of course, some people may not agree with my opinion when I say hold off on sex. But I believe it's genuinely important, especially if you're someone who still has to figure out your emotions and your mental health and to put yourself first and to learn how to love yourself. If you accidentally fall in love through sex, which has been a thing for me, then hold off because you want to get to know somebody on an emotional level before you catch up to it in a physical level. But you asked me something else and I'm sorry that I ended up forgetting what you were talking about. honestly it just shows that you're passionate and I feel like that this is just I know I love it it's like honestly so refreshing but it's interesting I just want to quickly talk on this um I was looking into this research the other day sex creates like an emotional and neural bond with someone not saying that that doesn't mean yeah for women is like in particular and I'm not saying that that doesn't mean you can have as much casual sex as you want but it's worth noting.

that when you are physically close with someone in that manner, whatever sex is for you in that moment, the amount of like oxytocin, which is like the chemical associated with happiness, but also bonding that is released, it's no wonder that so many people, I think, find themselves, they've had sex with someone and then suddenly they're like, oh my God, I'm attached. You've got to also know what you want. Like I started doing this thing where I realized that I was very actively going for people who I actually didn't even respect or have anything in common with because I was like, oh, you know, well, then they'll never leave me and I'll feel loved. And it basically like retrained my brain

into not feeling that I actually deserve the love that I wanted. So now I like have, I like went to my therapist and was like, this is happening. I keep getting like obsessed over these men who I don't even respect. You still get obsessed over them. Not anymore. This was like back, maybe like a year and a half ago. I like went to her and was like, I'm like, there would be men who were violent. Like they would be like, so less. Like literally. One of them was, was living with his, like living out of his car and with his friends.

No shame to that. Like people go through different life circumstances. And he broke up with you and he said, you know what? I think I can do better. Oh, yeah, probably. Like, I think he, it was a long relationship. But like, there was another one who's like, he's like, I still live at home with my mom. and I hate my job, but I only work three days a week.

And I have no, I was like, what are you interested in? And he's like, I don't really know, like, watching TV. And I was like, I was like, are you the love of my life? Because it's like, if you don't have hobbies, I can be your hobby. I can be your hobby. Because I'm interested in me. Yeah. And the other thing was like, he couldn't drive.

And I was like, I can teach him how to drive. And then, you know what? He can depend on me. Exactly. It was, it was toxic. And like, I can look at that now. and be like, I get that. I get where that was coming from.

I get why that was bad because I've healed that part of myself. But the way that I did that was like, I literally set out like point blank in my notes. I wrote it in my diary like, what is the bare minimum here? Like, what do I want? And after like dates, I would go back and be like, did they actually need this? If I like couldn't really tell, I would go on a second date. But if it was like, no, then I was like, I always messaged them being like, I'm really, like, I had a really amazing time, but this isn't going anywhere.

And it's like a massive thing you need to learn. So I think my question to you was like, what do you think that, what do you wish you'd known at that time? Or what do you wish you'd known earlier as someone back in their 20s? Well, A, I wish, it's hard to say because a part of me wants to say, I wish I learned how I love myself sooner. But then I also think I needed to have all these life lessons. But I guess if I was being unrealistic and more dream in dreamland, And as a scopier. Yes, if I could have the same outcome as now, if nothing would change, if something that I could wish that I learned faster is probably how to love myself and how to walk away from a partner that was never going to love me because it was never about that person.

And I wish that I didn't, you know what actually I wish? I wish that I would have been more brave and learn and change my gender. generational trauma and my family's dynamic sooner. Because so many years, I was always so afraid of being rejected by my father, which sounds so silly for anyone out there that doesn't have the type of issues, whether it's your mother or your father. But it's this weird rejection because people don't realize if you have that issues, the first man that breaks your heart, technically is your father, which is a little strange. But I didn't really grow up with him. And then I remember when I saw one of my friends hug my dad, I didn't understand why she even did that. And I was like, wait, you just asked your dad for advice and you guys just hug just like that. That's so weird. She goes, do you not hug your dad? And I go, well, I don't even know what he would do. But if I tried to hug him and he was like, ew, why are you touching me? That's so not our dynamic. It's weird. So it took me years until, and I never would say I love you to him because I was scared. He would laugh in my face or he would reject me. And I was scared of the rejection. And that kind of created.

the rest of my identity, where it was around the male gaze, where I was insecure enough that I stay with my ex for so long. And I was, I was just there to be pretty and have sex with my boyfriend while he was cheating on me. But that was my role. And I still didn't know who I was. So when I one day, as an account, I used to be an accountant. Oh, that's why. Yeah. I have two degrees. So I used to be an accountant. That's one of my degrees at a big public accounting firm. And when I was a, I was an accountant. I was getting bullied at that firm. It's actually one of the reasons I started daddy issues. So honestly, bless them for bullying.

Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you for making me so strong. I wonder how they're going. Yeah. How are you going, friends? So because of that, I created daddy issues secretly. And daddy issues when I created it.

And I got to see with just through memes that my and when I created daddy issues, I created an alter ego because at this point, I had no idea who I was. And I felt so invisible, I had no identity. And the people created. me because when I started posting random things anonymously, because I was anonymous for almost two years, is when I suddenly got to see, oh, other people can't relate. Oh, I thought I was alone in this. Okay. And that gave me the confidence. And when I created that issues, I wrote about a girl who was my alter ego because I could never be as cool as her. She was a popular girl. She was a skinny,

pretty girl that everyone liked. She grew up for rich. I grew up poor. She had all the money. She did all the drugs. All the boys liked her. I was so invisible. Or at least that was my view. That was my reality. And that's how I was able to have the confidence to run daddy issues, which is so funny, because I was pretending to be her. And that gave me, and seeing how people could relate that I'm not alone, it gave me the confidence in the first time my life that I said, you know what, I don't care anymore if my dad's going to reject me because I want to tell him that I love him. Because my father may not have it as, who knows how many more years I have with him. I want him to know that I love him. And that's all that matters. And I want to hug my dad. And I'm okay.

if he says no or because at least I tried so because at least then he'll know that I love him. So I started doing that. It was a practice. I started I started on the phone when we about to talk on the phone barely, but we're about to hang up and I would say, wait, dad, hold on. He's like, what? I'm like, I love you. And it's like, silent. He hang ups. Then eventually I'm like, way, dad, I love you. Silence stays on the phone, say the phone hangs up. Then eventually, Dad, I love you. Silence. Me too. Hang up. Then eventually, I love you. I love you too. I know. It's so sweet. That is really sweet. Yeah. And then eventually started, you know, trying to hug each other and all that. And now my whole family dynamic is so different.

And in a weird way, that helped me learn how to love myself and I helped me stop feeling this. Bless you. Sorry, I get so sensitive about my dad's stuff. That's okay. It helped me stop fearing. Like my dad's love was the scariest thing to me. So once I wasn't scared of being rejected by my father, it almost felt like I was free. Because even in that moment, I would have known whether or not he was going to reciprocate. And if he didn't, I would have finally let it go.

And if he did, whatever. But in that moment also is when I got to learn love languages and all that and attach myself. And I got to learn that my father did try his whole life to love me. I just didn't know because my dad's love language was putting a roof over my head and an acts of service. Because his father was an alcoholic drunk who got beat up to death when he was, my dad was 17 for being a Jew in communist Russia. And he left my father and his mother with nothing. So my dad's for it to never be like his father to provide us with a home and get me through school. And that's exactly what he did. That's how he showed me his love. But I didn't know because I'm just a child. I just want to be hugged. And I don't have

that. But he didn't grow up with that. So as an adult, I got to learn that and I got to forgive my father for not knowing any better. And I got to show him love and he gets to give me love back. And I get to show love to the world. And that's actually one of the reasons I created my podcast because it was me being so fascinating, curious about all these things I didn't grow up with. And it made me want to, as I'm learning everything, I want to share it with my audience. Oh, that's so beautiful. It really is. And, A massive testament to you that I think not many people have the self-awareness and the vulnerability to actually approach that issue within their family.

Like so many people just kind of get to the point where they're like, this is how it's always going to be. But you fully changed, like you healed your generational trauma. Like you genuinely did that. As a single individual, you sat back and were like, this is mine to fix and you did it. And that's like, oh, it's so deserving. You're so deserving of that as well. And what do you think when, I really want to pick up on what you talked about when you talked about love languages as well. Do you need a minute? Do you want to pause for a second? No, I'm fine. Okay. Are you sure?

I'm getting my period. Stop. Oh, okay. Do you think that knowing what you now know about your dad's love language has changed your love over time or changed how you approach, how you communicate or show your love language? So I think as we get older, our love languages are constantly changing as we are constantly evolving, hopefully, which is what you should be doing. And I think the coolest thing about love languages is that we don't realize two things. Number one, the love languages that you have as an adult, actually the love languages you didn't get as a child. Yes, fully. So my love languages were touch and words of affirmation.

But I didn't know that was my love languages, but that's what I lacked. And the love languages I was giving to other people were gifts and acts of service because that's what I grew up with with my father. And the second thing that we don't know about love languages, aside from it's always changing. So I guess the second thing is that it's always changing.

So then the third thing, we don't realize, love languages apply to everything. And a lot of times we tend to apply them only in dating. And then how often that we have breakups with our friends. And that's a thing that we never really talk about. Friendship breakups and the friends. But love language has also happened in your friendships,

in your family dynamic with my sister. My sister and I, during the pandemic, we had a really big fight. And I just couldn't get it. She called me selfish and all these words. And she said, you just don't love me. It feels like you don't care about me. And I said, I don't understand. I'm trying so hard to show you that I love you.

Every day I text you, how amazing you are. are and how much you're killing it. And I've been buying your children gifts because I love you so much. She goes, you're so fucking shallow. Like, it's like you never answer my text. You don't call me. Then you just tell me I'm amazing. Like, what does I even mean?

And that's when I sat down instead of attacking my sister back and not speaking to her, whatever people like to do these days. I realize, wait, why would she say I'm shallow? I don't get it. I'm showing you that I love her. And then I realize, wait, does she not feel? a love by me. What does this mean? And then I started digging into love languages. And I realized, oh, I bet we have different love languages. I bet I'm doing my best to show her that I love

her, but she's not speaking the same love language as me. So to her, she feels unloved by her own sister. And we're best friends. And that's when I realized, Karen, what's your love language? And she said, what are you talking about? I said, Karen, just do the test, the random free test on Google. You know your love languages. I think that's where we have the issue. So again, I put my ego aside to figure out, instead of taking what she said personally, to understand, how can I make my sister feel loved? And that's when I realize for her, what is it, physical touch and quality time or her love languages. So we are, they're the pandemic.

So we can do quality time. So she's missing that. And I mean, physical touch. And the quality time, I'm not, I'm so busy with work. That's not priority for me to answer people's sex right away or to call. So I'm doing what I know best, which is, hey, you're doing great. great or you look so cute in that outfit because that works for me. But for her, it's shallow.

So once I realized that, my phone's always on do not disturb, but with my sister, I removed that. So she texts me, I answer right away. I always call her. I check in with her. Now the pandemic's over. I make sure to spend time with her because I know that's what's important to her. Is it one of my, it is technically one of my love languages now.

But in the past, was it? No. But because I knew that's how she felt loved, I made the effort to do that. So I think it's the same thing with couples as well. You should ask each other or your friends, what are your love languages? And even if those are not your love languages, then you can put the effort to make the other person feel loved. Because it's so sad the fact that all these years growing up with my father, he did his best in his own way to show me that he loved me. And I was this lonely child thinking, what does my father hate me so much?

You know? Yeah, that's so rough, I think. But it shows a great maturity and I think self-awareness to recognize that your love languages aren't just for what you need, but therefore what others want to receive from you as well. And you have to adapt them to different circumstances, especially in relationships where you really love the person. And I think a familial and a sister relationship is such a good example of that, where it's like, okay, I feel like sometimes love languages don't really apply in like the early stages of dating,

if you're not like committed to each other. But when it comes to those like lifelong relationships that are always going to be by your side, it's worth really acknowledging like where your capacity for showing love and the kind of love you show has come from and how it can change over time. Because I also agree. I do believe that it will change. And there are certain people in your life who will change that for you. Like I think I was always someone who I thought my love language was like physical touch and words. affirmation and then I had this boyfriend who was so generous with me and would always give me

gifts that he'd really thought about. And I always felt so awkward about receiving those. And I was always like, oh, no, no, no, no. Like, this is weird. This is like, what are you doing? You bribing me? Like, what's happening? Are you bribing me? I don't know. I just, I wasn't used to it. I was like, worse. Yeah, I was like, this actually makes me uncomfortable. And then he was like, no, I'm actually just doing this because I love you. And I was like, and then it completely changed. I'm much better at receiving gifts from people when they've really thought about it. It was the only way he knew how to express himself. Yeah.

And it was so sweet. It was really sweet. He like, yeah, he was a good boyfriend. Shout out to that boyfriend. He was a goodie. Before we wrap up, I do want to ask just like one final question here because I feel like a lot of what we've spoken about today is navigating our childhood wounds and these versions of our younger self that we have to adapt and bring into our current.

and understand and love. So what would you say to your younger self, that little girl who didn't feel particularly loved or seen by her father or any of those versions of you? I guess what I would tell my younger self, I would tell my younger self that all the things in that moment that I think are important and matter will not matter a couple of years from now, whether it was dying to be popular in high school,

to be seen, the boys that I thought were cool, the guys that I was dating, then none of them will matter. And wanting to get love from people that never loved me, that all that would not matter as long as love myself. I think the biggest lesson I could have given my younger self is that no one else knows what they're doing. And everyone else is just as insecure as you are. That's the biggest lesson that I would take away. And it took me a lot of years to learn that no one else, everyone else is a loser just like you. Because first you're like, I'm the biggest loser in this room.

And then you're like, wait, no, everyone else is a loser in this room. no one is thinking about you. No one's thinking about me right now. No one's judging me. No one gives a shit about me. And you know what? That's beautiful. That's amazing because then I get to walk around and live my life and do everything I want to do because no one gives a shit.

We spent so much of our lives caring so much what everyone else thinks until one day we realized that no one was ever thinking about us at all. They were thinking about themselves and their IBS and and, you know, the guy who didn't text them and whatever it else, they weren't thinking. They don't give a shit that you forgot to brush it. your hair. They weren't looking at you. And tomorrow, they're not going to remember that because they're going to think about something else. So you're going to spend your whole life what? Not moving forward, not doing shit because God forbid someone else is going to judge you.

Fuck those people. You know, who tells you not to do something is people that are too scared to do it themselves. So what I would tell my younger self is to everyone's so insecure and to not listen to other people to tell me that I can't do something or that I, or no. Because what the F did they know?

I totally agree. One of my friends said this to me, the other day and it really resonated. It was like, you will never be judged by someone doing better than you. No one doing better than you is ever going to judge down on you because they know. You know what? That makes me feel, I really needed to hear that. That makes me feel so much better. Thank you for saying that. I'm going to write that down. That was a really good advice. It really changed things to me. You know, I feel like, wow. I feel like both of us have online, a big online, you have a massive online presence, mindless, but still an online presence.

And sometimes people can be really mean. Yeah. Really mean. And it's just, it really, I was talking to my friend about it and she said that to me. She was like, listen, none of these people have what you have. If they did, they wouldn't be saying anything. Like, can you imagine someone doing better than you ever criticizing you or putting you down? It's like, no, because they're not insecure because they don't have that need to prove themselves by tall poppy syndrome like we were talking about before.

So, yeah, like Kylie Jenner's not sitting around thinking like, that's a stupid episode. She's more thinking, okay, don't listen to this or not, goodbye, you know? And then she goes back to her multi-billion dollar company. Exactly. Meanwhile, we're just here like, ah, letting little trolls like ruin our days. So it's a good thing to remember. That's a really good advice. I'm glad you liked it.

Well, thank you for coming on. Of course. Thank you so much for having me. It was honestly probably one of my favorite episodes. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I hope that everyone who is listening right now learn something, enjoyed it, and that you go and listen to almost adulting and follow daddy issues on Instagram

because both are incredible slices and corners of the internet. Yes. Thank you so much for having me. almost adulting is on every Tuesday and Thursday. My sole episodes or guest episodes normally Thursday. My short episodes and more fun episodes are Tuesdays available in all platforms. And then I'm Bella Benson. You can follow me on Instagram and then my meme account, Daddy Issues underscore.

Yeah. It's so funny. I've actually been following Daddy Issues since I was like 19, 18. Really? Yeah. It would have been a while. I remember me and my friends really liking it back when I was in Munich. So this is full.

That's so funny. A circle moment for me. Thank you, everyone, for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now. If you feel cool to do so, of course, it really helps the show to grow. Also, feel free to join the community and follow us at that psychology podcast on Instagram. We take episode suggestions. We'd love to hear from you.

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