The Psychology of your 20s - 90. The psychology of open relationships

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

Today, we're diving into the psychology behind open relationships in our 20s - why people are attracted to the idea of non-monogamy, how they operate, the boundaries that are set, how to navigate sexual jealousy and whether they actually work? Open relationships have become an increasingly popular alternative to traditional monogamy, but they are not a new concept. Why are some people more curious when it comes to open relationships? Do some people need more sex than others? Whats the point of being in a committed relationship if you're allowed to date other people? We set out to answer all of these questions in todays episode to further understand the psychology behind open relationships. Listen now. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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old listeners, wherever you are in the world. Thank you for joining us for another episode. This week, we're talking about open relationships, a very hot topic at the moment amongst 20-something-year-olds and others alike. And it has been frequently requested that we investigate the psychology behind this non-monogamous arrangement. So that's what we're going to do today from the very basics of what they actually entail, the boundaries, the dynamics, and why they are seemingly becoming increasingly popular amongst this generation. Before we get into it, a brief disclaimer that all consenting romantic relationships are respected and accepted here. If open relationships are your thing or you're exploring the idea or completely opposed and just here

to learn. I just hope that this is informative. We are not here to judge. There is none of that. And whilst I'm not personally excited by the idea of being in an open relationship myself, I do find them fascinating, especially as a concept to be explored through a psychological lens because whilst I know I'm not a fan, some people are. Some people are. Some people are big proponents. So what makes us different in that desire for this type of relationship? I think psychology has a lot to do with it and no romantic relationship is a one size fits all kind of deal. Open relationships are just part of this broader ecosystem of what's possible and what works for you. So open relationships, polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, they all seem to be a

a trend and I've personally noticed them becoming a lot more common amongst people in their 20s, especially amongst people that I know personally and couples that I know. And also a lot of people that I encounter on dating apps or in my real life who talk about their desire for ethical non-monogamy or who are in an open relationship looking for a third, I guess, or someone else to join. Maybe that is a similar experience for you. and I think it's because of a broader societal shift away from conventional ideas of marriage and monogamy and tradition towards greater sexual liberation and experiences.

Although they have become more popular in recent decades, this idea of an open relationship isn't a new one. It's existed since ancient societies in Greece and Rome, China, Mongolia, Japan, but the term that we use now, open relationship, it was only first coined and popularized in the 1970s. Since then, some studies have suggested that up to 6% of relationships and partnerships could be deemed as non-monogamous or open, which is not the same as cheating or infidelity, but a consensual willingness to explore romantic and sexual connections, beyond the core partnership. It's this idea of being in a long-term relationship, marriage or

otherwise, but still being able to date other people and of course, sleep with other people beyond the bounds of each other. I think that they are typically less focused on emotional connections and more on sexual ones, which either partner or both feels that they need. And for some, they really work. They keep the relationship the bond and the trust between two people exceptionally strong. And in a generation where up to 30% of people in married partnerships admit to infidelity, maybe consensual non-monogamy is the secret to making long-term relationships more sustainable by letting people in.

It might be an alien idea for some, but we are going to explore it today. So what is the deal with open relationships? And more importantly, what is the psychology behind the desire to pursue one and the attraction of this relationship model, particularly in our 20s? Non-monogamy, I think, naturally goes against a lot of our traditional beliefs about relationships and marriage in particular. But some people need different things from their relationships to be fulfilled. and I do think open relationships are quite misunderstood. So we are going to explore exactly what draws people into open relationships from personality to attributes like sociosexuality,

why the choice seems right for some people, what is required to make them work, and the interactions between jealousy and attachment style, but also what it means to be the other person, the casual partner, the outsider, of one or more members of, the primary relationship. So I am so excited and ready to get into it.

Without further ado, let's break down the psychology of open relationships in our 20s. The concept of an open relationship may be hard to grasp for some people, especially in a society that has repeatedly pushed monogamy on us since birth, but there is actually a rising interest in this way of living and dating. Now more than ever I think in modern society, a lot of couples are exploring alternatives, having conversations about it, and even committing to an open relationship or polyamory or some form of non-monogamy. In the past, I think societal norms and pressures have made this type of relationship seem wrong or really strange or off limits and stigmatized, which I think is where a lot of our natural ickyness comes from, especially because of traditional

beliefs about monogamy that arose from very Puritan religious influences. However, many people have pointed to the new age theory that monogamy is a socially rather than naturally biologically constructed idea. And with access to things like the internet and books and even influences, individuals are showing a very big interest nowadays. We also have to give massive credit to the sexual liberation movement, especially within the queer community, where a lot of this progress towards a more open relationship approach has originated.

So terms like open relationship, polyamory, non-monogamy, swinging, they get thrown around a lot and confused quite a bit. They're used interchangeably. But they are different. An open relationship is somewhat of an umbrella. term that we use to refer to all relationship models in which two members of the union are not monogamous and therefore they're not only having sex and dating each other. I think a lot of us think it's just about sex and in some ways it is but it's also about being able to have different

romantic experiences with someone other than your partner and it essentially not being what we would call cheating because you've both had a discussion in which it's been allowed and there's been boundaries set up and both people are excited about it. However, it doesn't mean that you're allowed to be committed to these other individuals. You stay emotionally committed to your primary partner. This is different to polyamory or polyamorous relationships in which there is a permission there to be committed to multiple partners. I think it's the degree of casualness to other relationships, that is the distinction between things like open relationships, polyamory, and even swinging, in which the other relationships are purely sexual.

So I think if we think about non-monogamy on a hierarchy based on the degree of commitment within the relationships beyond our primary partnership, the most commitment would be in polyamorous relationships in which you can be equally in love and committed to another person, then there's open relationships whereby you can go on dates, you can have sex and romantic connections with others, but you cannot offer commitment. And then finally, swinging, which is purely sexual. But we are just going to talk about open relationships today. We're going to keep it limited because we could go on for hours if we talked about all of

them. And I also think that open relationships are the most relevant to our 20s because I think they're the most common. If we just want sex, we know. that in our 20s, that is something that a lot of other people will want. And it's easier to go looking for it. It's easier to find it because others our age will be in a similar mind frame. And we may not necessarily want commitment within that. Most of us are also not married yet, especially in our early 20s. So swinging within a couple is likely uncommon, but not impossible.

And we're also not necessarily looking for polyamory. I feel like most of us in our 20s, are still struggling to even maintain one romantic relationships, and we're still developing our emotional maturity. So managing the complexity of multiple partners is also going to be a lot less frequent during this decade. I think open relationships are our sweet spot for those who are seeking out non-monogamy in our 20s. We want the emotional stability of a partner, that's security, a commitment and a deep bond. but our 20s are also sold to us as a time of exploration and sexual freedom, so we may not want to miss out.

Our next question then is, why does some people want this kind of sexual and romantic freedom or choice that is promised to them in an open relationship? And what makes these people different from traditional monogamous, like myself in the world? You know, I don't think it's for everyone. and when we examine the psychology, we get a better idea as to why. The first thing I would point to is personality.

We know that personality impacts many of our perspectives and perceptions, as well as our choices and our habits. This includes our approach to dating and relationships, and as well as that, our opinions on monogamy. Research has shown that certain Big Five personality traits, can be linked to a greater acceptance and willingness to pursue non-monogamy. For those of us who don't know what the big five is, it's essentially an approach to understanding personality based on five specific personality traits that are the building blocks of our character

and who we are. These are openness to new experiences, conscientiousness, extroversion, neuroticism, and agreeableness. each of these five primary personality traits exists on a spectrum between two extremes. For example, the trait of extroversion, its extreme is introversion. And people exist between the two pillars on either side. And by examining where people sit upon this spectrum for each of these traits, psychologists have reasoned that we can map how personality influences our decisions across a number of areas including our relationships.

Two traits in particular seem to be particularly relevant in this conversation. Studies have shown that extroversion and openness to experiences, strongly predicted attitudes, and our willingness to engage in consensual non-monogamy. There is a fairly old study that was done on this, and it focused on consensual non-monogamy, and its correlation to the Big Five personality traits, amongst LGBTQIA plus individuals, and it found that participants who were in open relationships scored higher on openness to experiences, extroversion, and a lot lower on neuroticism subscales

than those in monogamous relationships. This naturally makes a lot of sense. If you're rating higher on openness to experiences, it's likely that this will also include a receptiveness to new sexual experiences and engaging and exploring some of those connections that are offered up by an open relationship. Agreeableness is another Big Five personality trait and it may also be linked to someone's likelihood of agreeing to an open relationship if their partners suggest one. This may not always be a positive thing though. We'll talk about this later but open relationships, they really work if one party is not fully committed, excited or dedicated to the idea. And it can create a bit of a power imbalance and even resentment, which is just going to cause that relationship to crumble

under the pressure. But we're going to talk about that more in one second. I want to finish up on personality and how it links to open relationships. There are other personality traits, really crucial ones that are not related to the big five but are linked to someone's curiosity and willingness to pursue an open relationship. These include things like our flexibility, how adaptive we are to change. Of course, I think that makes a lot of sense. I feel like I don't need to explain why flexibility and open relationships are linked. And also things like honesty and non-conformance to tradition. So research has identified that people who are more naturally inclined to oppose authority or widely held cultural or societal beliefs are more receptive to a relationship that is also

not conforming or untraditional. I find that so fascinating because I don't think it's typically what we expect when we examine the personality differences behind our willingness to pursue non-monogamy, but this characteristic and natural inclination away from the norm does make a lot of sense for people who are more attracted to the idea of an open relationship because it isn't the norm and it is, well, it does kind of go against a lot of our traditional beliefs. Now, a disclaimer, if you are personally extroverted or you do typically like to question authority and ingrained ways of thinking or your high on agreeableness, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're, you know,

You should approach your partner right this second and tell them you want to open your relationship. Each person has their own unique personality profile and there are other factors that are going to play a role. Also, it's just personal preference, right? Like if you are not excited by the idea, your personality and what you know about it doesn't really matter, right? It's just one explanation that has been offered up. Another one, though, has to do with sociosexuality. So we talked about this in our episode on hookup culture, but sociosexuality is defined as an individual's interest in uncommitted sexual activity. A study conducted out of the US in 2017, it found that romantically involved individuals are more likely to engage in infidelity or want to pursue.

you casual sex or connections when they are more unrestricted in their sociosexuality. In the same study, they showed that men are more sociosexually unrestricted, meaning more interested in uncommitted sex compared to their female counterparts. So gender also may play a role in a person's curiosity around non-monogamy and how that fits in with their broader perspectives on romance and sex and intimacy. This doesn't surprise me on a personal level because in every instance that I have seen of an open relationship just personally, it has always been the man who has first put the idea on the table. It's not to say that women aren't equally interested in casual sex or

opening their relationship or exploring uncommitted romantic connections, but men are often more unrestricted in this domain, especially due to their sociosexuality. And it's an ingrained trait. It's something that's very hard to change. So it does explain where some people have more of a desire for this arrangement compared to others. There is something else that I think needs further examining when we discuss open relationships, and that is the role. of sexuality and the influence of the LGBTIQIA plus community on our increasing openness and receptiveness towards non-monogamy as a society. We are taught from a young age that a normal relationship involves a man and a woman and they are aiming for marriage. They're aiming for

marriage and children. And this has been questioned both in relation to the core idea of monogamy and having one partner for the rest of our lives, and also by our greater acceptance of non-heteronormative relationships. Relationships between men and women are not the only ones that exist, and they've never been the only ones to exist. And that questioning of heteronormative ideas around relationships has also led us to question that core idea of monogamy. And studies have shown that a higher percentage of individuals who identify as,

lesbian, queer, bisexual, or as a member of this community, are in open non-monogamous relationships compared to hetero-sistgender couples. A new report that came out in Australia and also the US suggests that about a third of gay men are in open relationships. In a poll of, I think it was almost 600 gay men conducted in San Francisco, they found that 30% were not strictly monogamous with their partners. obviously we should take this with a grain of salt a lot of queer people also hold negative opinions of open relationships and are not interested in casual sex and no one is the same however rates do seem to be

higher compared to heterosexual couples and according to this incredible book the ethical slut which I would really recommend if you are curious about ethical non-monogamy the authors suggest that the reason we may see greater rates of this relationship model among amongst queer couples is because they are more comfortable and interested in exploring their sexuality because this is what they've been doing from a young age. You know, they grew up, they were raised in a society that had often confined their sexual expression. So according to this amazing advocate, Matt Hudson, most gay people will have grown up

encountering attitudes that told them they were not normal, they were not accepted, and so as they've gotten older, they seek more exploration. They actually want to push back against those ideas and it means that they seek sexual satisfaction and relationship arrangements that are outside of the norm. That is just one kind of perspective that I thought was really important to share. Like I said before, a lot of our progress towards being more accepting of non-monogamy and different models of relationships did arise from the queer community and what they've done and their thoughts on the matter. So it's super, super interesting to see how sexuality, but also culture and society, kind of interact and intersect when we talk about

non-monogamy. There's also been some preliminary research into the impact of asexuality, which is an individual who lacks sexual attraction to others, but still desires a relationship on a couple's willingness to enter an open relationship. It's known as a sexual polyamory. Okay, I'm quite naive when it comes to this, so I did try and do a bit of a deep dive to get it right, but if this does apply to you, definitely consult some outside sources. However, one study from the Journal of Sexual Positivity suggested that some asexual people have observed that polyamory open relationships, they seem to be more popular as a relationship style amongst asexual people than they are in the mainstream, perhaps because of a recognition that, sex is something that most people need or want and if their partner does not have the same desires and needs, if they don't really feel sexual attraction to others, maybe it's an effective compromise to seek an open relationship so that the other person can have their sexual needs

fulfilled elsewhere. I think it all comes down to personal preference and what works best for each couple, some people who are in relationships in which they are asexual or with an asexual partner don't do this. They find other ways to make it work or to compromise, but it's fascinating to see the impact of things like our sexual preferences and then also personality and sociosexuality on our receptiveness and eagerness to pursue multiple sexual partners, romantic connections, sexual connections beyond the stability of our core partnership. If you are someone who has only ever had monogamous relationships, I think we have a few apprehensions when it comes to open relationships that I want to break down.

It can be very alien and hard to understand if you've never encountered this type of dating and sex and some of the insecurities that it may bring up. So here are some of the most common opinions. or questions we have from my own perspective, but also discussions that I've had with friends. Firstly, if you are not interested in non-monogamy or open relationships, that is totally fine. We can recognize the impact of tradition and ingrained misperceptions of sex on our beliefs and still believe the things that we do. However, most of our biggest concerns do stem from this cognitive dissonance between what we have been taught to believe a relationship is,

and the ways in which open relationships force us to question that belief. The first one being, what is the point of being married or in a relationship if you're going to make your relationship open? Why have a relationship at all? Wouldn't it just be better to break up if you do want to have sex with other people? This is one of my major questions, but someone explained it to me like this recently. Relationships are not just about sex. If they were, then having sex with other people would definitely pose a major ex-essential challenge within open relationships.

But relationships are more than that. They are about trust, an incredible bond between two people. They're about communication, memories, and of course, love. All of those things can still exist and remain strong, even if you're sleeping with other people and you have good boundaries around that practice. if we think that having sex with other people will ruin the commitment within our relationship, we are essentially just reducing all relationships to sex and we're ignoring all the other things that make them work. It's not to say that sex is meaningless or that it can pose a problem or can damage a partnership, but that relationships are more than just the physical.

Another big misconception is that people who have open relationships, must just like sex more than others or their sex addicts, hence why they feel the need to be pursuing that with multiple people. They want to have their cake and they want to eat it too. That is also not necessarily true. Sometimes what they're seeking is new sexual experiences and connections, not necessarily just more sex. And in our 20s, that is something that a lot of us are looking for.

This is one I struggle with because I think we have been led to believe that our partners should provide all that we need when it comes to our pleasure and how sexually fulfilled we are. Sometimes that is not possible if they're traveling or you live different lives in different cities or one partner is asexual and opening your relationship works best for you or maybe you do just like to have lots of sex but you love your partner. Two things can exist at once and it's important to appreciate. that people and couples do have different needs and joint attitudes towards the intersection between sex and commitment. You know, there have been many cultures and societies in which

open relationships or polyamory have worked really well for generations and generations, and they weren't questioned and they weren't weird because traditional ideas of monogamy had never existed in those places. They found that this model was, was perhaps easier for raising children, for dealing with infertility, for growing their community, and building trust between all members of the group. It's not just a new idea, like I said at the start. It is a really valid model and system and perspective that has actually been proven to work for many, many societies and many, many cultures in the past.

I think another big myth is that people in open relationships, would be cheating if their partners had not agreed to this arrangement. There's no specific studies on this, but many members of this community call this way of thinking quite reductive and judgmental because it doesn't take into consideration many of the boundaries and agreements and discussions that have been put in place to keep the relationship and the arrangement safe and respectful for all parties. Whilst we might label what is occurring in a non-monogamous relationship, as cheating. I think a core part of cheating or infidelity is dishonesty and secrecy. In open

relationships, there isn't as much of that, especially around sex, because every member is clear on the structure. They are excited about being there, they're willing to be there, they're free to leave, and there is a lot more honesty and openness around the fact that both members are probably having sex with other people, and that is okay. Finally, a lot of us may think that open relationships are doomed to fail. And they're only really introduced into a partnership when one or both members are actually already ready to break up, but they can't quite bring themselves to recognize that. In some cases, that may be true, but on a case-by-case basis, because open relationships do work, and they work really well for some people and for some couples. So what's the secret? When do they work

well, when do they not? What are the conditions for success? And finally, what does it mean to perhaps be the outsider or the other person in one of these partnerships? All of that and more in just a second. If you are thinking about opening your relationship or just curious about how they can be successful, there are a few things that we need to know about ourselves and our partner before jumping straight in. open relationships, they do work, but they are also incredibly fluid. They can stop and start and each are very unique. However, when I was looking into this idea, there was a lot of anecdotal and evidence-based insights that suggested some conditions have to be met if this arrangement and this dynamic

is going to be healthy. Firstly, both parties need to be on the same page. if one person is not into it, there's no point in even trying because you need to have strong foundations and you need to both be in agreement. That's what makes it consensual. I think strong foundations are essential in any relationship, but especially a situation where things can get murky quite quickly and you are letting other people into your relationship, especially when it's sexual as well.

You know, if you're dragging someone into this situation, if they're hesitant, If you need to pressure them, not only is that incredibly unfair, but it's probably going to do a lot of damage, not just to your relationship, but also to that person's self-esteem and their long-term attachment style. Just don't do that. I think with most things, a no does not mean convince me, and some people are just monogamous individuals. But if it's a yes or there is some initial curiosity, you need to have a discussion around boundaries because these are, A, what is going to keep you safe,

what is going to prevent resentment and hurt, and also it's going to allow your relationship to continue steadily. I have friends of mine who are in open relationships, and they have some very strict boundaries that they have put in place together. It was a collaborative effort. Some of the rules they have include not seeing someone else more than twice a month, not dating friends or friending anybody they sleep with on social media, never inviting someone back to the place they share, which for me seems like a no-brainer, and things like always using

protection. And also these varying levels of not so much secrecy, but, or not honesty either, but the varying levels that they're willing to share about the other people they're sleeping with or dating. I think the more specific, the better. But, one of those boundaries is particularly important and that's around being safe and using protection. You know, if it's not physically safe, it's not mentally safe and STDs are not something to muck around with. You just have to understand that you're taking a risk by sleeping with other people as you do whenever you have sex and make sure that both partners are safe in that arrangement. I think you also need to be in a good place mentally and have a handle on what trick. you in your monogamous relationship before making it non-monogamous. Those things, it's not going

to change, right? If it's something that upsets you when it's just you to, especially around jealousy or resentment or rejection, it's still going to trigger you when your relationship is open. Things like jealousy, attachment styles, childhood wounds, abandonment issues. They are all included in this realization and this discussion. Most people's biggest operational. positions to open relationships is that they create jealousy that doesn't need to be there. We may be constantly worried that our partner will find someone else. They're going to fall madly in love with them and leave us. Or there is this constant suspicion or concern that your partner is having better sex with

other people or likes the people they're dating more than you. And I think that's a really fair fear. But many of these fears are rooted in unconscious jealousy. and they're unlikely to be true. Everything will be different with another person, not better or worse. And if you are in a place in your relationship whereby you have a strong partnership that is not easily replaceable, I think that it is a very liberating idea sometimes to remove sexual and romantic ownership over each other and remember that you are choosing to be with each other, not out of habit or for lack of other options,

but because you do love the other person and you want them in your life, but you also want them to be free and allow to explore other things or other interests or other sexual fantasies or sexual proclivities that they may have. I will say, though, we do all differ in our levels of innate intrinsic jealousy. If you are a naturally very jealous person, if you find that things around dating and sex and relationships do naturally trigger you to be resentful or envious or jealous, that is going to greatly influence how your open relationship is going to work. And it will impact your well-being. You'll impact your long-term partnership.

You need to examine where that comes from, why you feel more intrinsically jealous. It's not your fault. You know what I mean? Like, it's really from a combination of factors. It's from things in your childhood. It's from early romantic relationships. But jealousy is always going to be a part of this situation, I think, and if you don't examine that and you don't have an open dialogue with your partner around what exactly makes you jealous and how that can be avoided, then you're kind of doomed to fail. Other personal factors beyond jealousy are also going to determine the success of an open relationship. One of those being attachment style, which I think is so crucial. It's a crucial conversation to be had even if you're not in a non-monogamous relationship.

But if you are anxiously attached, this arrangement might not work for you because the idea of your partner going out, sleeping with other people, sharing stories with them, going on dates, laughing at their jokes. It may be incredibly triggering of your childhood attachment wounds, especially wounds surrounding abandonment and rejection. If you haven't worked through that, you're going to find it incredibly difficult to understand. that your partner will be doing those things and that you have allowed them to do that, but also that you're allowed to do that as well. Equally, if you have an avoidant attachment style, this relationship model may actually work really well for you on paper, but it may also cause you difficulties because you are already naturally opposed or hesitant around emotional intimacy and commitment.

So if you then open your relationship, it might mean that you're actually putting a buffer to prevent you and your partner from ever actually reaching that level of emotional closeness because you are scared. Be aware of your attachment style and what leaves you feeling insecure or in a bad headspace, particularly around sex and intimacy in dating, before deciding to jump right in. There are a few other factors like communication, trust and of course, honesty, which are fundamental, but I want to zoom out for a second and talk about what it's like to be the third party or the other person in this situation. All right, story time, vulnerable moment. I know I said I wasn't a fan of open relationships in my personal life, but I've actually been involved, I've dated, I've been intimate with a couple of people who have been in open relationships. For a while before I realized that dating these people was a sign of my own

emotional unavailability, these men were like kryptonite to me. The ultimate no strings attached arrangement because I knew that they would never want anything more. I think I even had like a prompt about ethical non-monogamy on my hinge profile. And the truth is I would not do it again because I'm not too interested in casual relationships anymore, but I did learn a lot about how to behave as the third person or the outsider in these circumstances and also how these people's relationships and their openness and communication could really inform the standard I had for my own long-term partners. Even though I'm looking for monogamy, there was a lot to take away from what I observed.

There was this one guy in particular who I saw for almost, I think, like 10 months when I first moved to Sydney, who was a lovely person. He lived with his girlfriend. He was super interesting. But I think I started seeing him right after I'd had my heartbroken and I was really looking to him for a small dose of intimacy to almost wean me off of my last relationship without the commitment. Here's what I want. If you want to sleep with someone who was in an open relationship, you need to be really clear with yourself about a couple of things. Firstly, you have to be absolutely honest and clear with yourself that this person is not going to leave their partner for you. That is not going to happen. And if you pursue this connection thinking that you can

somehow change that or you do not respect their boundaries, you will only be disappointed. It's not fair to anyone. And you have to remember they have boundaries as well, so respect them. And you are just going to get hurt. You might really like this person. You might get all the woman fuzzies, but you have to remember that they are not going to leave their partner for you. At the end of the day, that's never going to happen. So are you prepared for that reality? Are you willing to accept that reality? Or should you maybe start looking elsewhere?

Secondly, I would say, do not have sex with someone in an open relationship unless you are on the same page about your own ideas of monogamy. You know that right now you are not looking for a partnership or polyamory. if you are going into these situations, like I said, thinking that you want commitment or knowing that you are someone who is monogamous and you don't like the idea that this person might be sleeping with someone else, i.e. their partner, that's just going to be really triggering and upsetting for you. I would also say make sure you're aware of their boundaries and the boundaries that they've set in their relationship. For example, one of the ones I mentioned earlier is that

they can't see you more than once a month. That is super fair. So it's not great to be hitting them up every week being like, what are you up to? Because A, you're going to be disappointed, but B, it's not showing respect for their boundaries. Sometimes you just don't know what they are, but it is really worth asking and knowing that you're on the same page so that you don't cause drama, first of all, but also you're not hurt and you're not left feeling disrespected. And finally, I would say, be really clear with yourself when it's time to walk away. If you start getting feelings for this person, it's time to walk away. It's, like I said, it's never going to work.

If you're feeling like this intense jealousy towards their partner or you're like obsessed with looking up, you know, looking at them on social media or wondering what they're like when they're together, there's a natural level of curiosity and then there is an obsession. And once you're obsessed, you've got to realize that this relationship. relationship is not your relationship and maybe you should walk away. It's very complicated and it is, I think, a very new model in some of our minds for how to approach sex and dating, particularly in our 20s. But hopefully you're wise enough, you're mature enough, you're an adult and you

should be okay with navigating some of that complexity and have done the work on yourself to know when this arrangement is not right for you as the outsider, as the third. third party. I think we can learn a lot from this arrangement and this approach to a partnership, even if it's not personally for you. The conversations around boundaries that these couples have are often exceptional. And many couples who approach dating and companionship in an open manner have discussions about things like sex and issues and boundaries that most couples would not, because it needs to be on the table. They talk more about what trust means. to them what they need. They talk about the interaction between sex and their lives and what that

means for their relationship. I think also some of the psychology behind it is really informative for us, for people who may be more monogamous. For example, understanding what personality traits kind of make us more receptive to this idea, discussions around sociosexuality. I think it's really important to examine our own approaches to uncommitted dating and uncommitted casual sex if you are someone who is looking for a partnership. If the idea of an open relationship makes you feel uncomfortable or icky or you're like, I would never do that. Maybe examine how you're approaching dating now because if you're only having casual relationships, those are technically, you know, open relationships. They're non-monogamous just without the commitment. So it's interesting that

that we are naturally very opposed to opening a partnership to others, but very happy to open our situationships or our casual relationships to other people. They come with some of the same risks, but also some of the same triggers. So examining your perspective and your opinion on open relationships also allows you to examine your opinion and perspective on monogamous dating. I think additionally, it's really fascinating when we think about trust and acknowledging that people can have their own interests, needs and desires and sexual desires beyond the core relationship and that that relationship can still exist. It's just part of a broader

discussion that we're having us as a society around whether the ideas that we've held for generations are really the correct ones to be having, whether they really do meet our needs as a society and as a generation. And a lot of people in their 20s are pushing back and not just their 20s of all ages. And that's just so amazing to me, whether you like this idea or you don't like this idea, I think it is really valuable to question the norm. And in this situation, monogamy is the norm. But with greater rates of divorce and greater rates of cheating, maybe it's worth examining whether that is the best way to go about dating and marriage and long-term partnerships and even raising children or creating families. So this has been so fascinating to me.

And I hope that if you're someone who's curious and you didn't know much about this, that you have learned something as well. Feel free to share this episode with a friend. If it was a discussion you were having recently, maybe they could learn something from it as well. And as always, please feel free if you feel cool to do so to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. If you have an episode suggestion, if you have feedback, if you liked this episode, please reach out to me at that cycle. podcast on Instagram. You can see what episodes are coming up. You can vote on upcoming episodes or just be part of the community. It's always great to see more people over there. So I hope you give us a follow. If not, that's okay. But we will be back next week for another episode.

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