The Psychology of your 20s - 98. The psychology of self sabotage

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

Sometimes our biggest enemy isn't others, it's ourselves. Self sabotage is a complicated psychological experience whereby we unconsciously undermine our own goals and wellbeing because of an implicit belief that we don't deserve our success, are afraid of failure, or cannot allow ourselves to be happy. From dating people we shouldn't, to procrastination, indecision, doom scrolling and self destructive behaviours, it all comes down to our unconscious beliefs about our self worth. Today we explore the origins and causes of self sabotage, from Freud's ideas of the 'death drive' and 'anti-self', coping mechanisms, to the impact of unresolved emotional trauma and self punishment to understand why it is we self sabotage, and how we can get out of our own way. Listen now. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax. You doctored this particular test twice, Ms. Owens, correct? I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg, a lesbian. Michael Mancini.

My mind was blown. I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trapped. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the podcast. the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what

they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, you know the deal, wherever you are in the world. It is great to have you here back for another episode because this week we are going to tackle the big, scary, beast that is self-sabotage. Our 20s are such a unique time of growth and goal setting and huge moments, but it can also be very easy for us to get in our own way. I think sometimes we can be our biggest enemy because of our tendency to engage in behavior that actually undermines us and we consistently sabotage our efforts in ways that are sometimes not even obvious.

So why do we do that? Why do we find ourselves acting in a manner that is contradictory to our goals and which leaves us worse off? I think a deeper question as well is why can't we let ourselves be happy and let ourselves succeed. Well, that's what we're going to explore today. I think self-sabotage comes in many forms from procrastination to impulse buying indecision, poor dating choices, starting conflict, overworking, isolating ourselves, and even more serious habits like substance abuse. But at their very core, all of these behaviours stem from the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves.

and feeling like we don't deserve the good things in life. So choosing to sabotage ourselves before they even occur. And it was Freud who actually was one of the first people to identify these behaviors. And he believed that it derived from our unconscious beliefs and what he called the death drive, whereby all humans innately want to be free of responsibility and expectation. so they sabotage their efforts at success. For example, scrolling on TikTok rather than doing your assignment as a way of ignoring your responsibilities.

And psychology has obviously evolved a lot since then and now we tend to think of self-sabotage as linked to ideas around coping mechanisms, unconscious negative beliefs, self-punishment, fear of success and so much more. And I think all of those aspects of our unconscious thinking and of our self-esteem and self-concept are also the things we tend to start diving into and digging into and uncovering in our 20s. So they are inextricably linked. I also want to talk about the many innocent-looking behaviours that are encouraged by society but are actually a form of self-sabotage and why it is so hard to identify.

when we are deliberately handicapping ourselves and getting out of our own way. So in this episode, we are going to dive into the fascinating psychology behind self-sabotage from the origins and the causes of self-destructive behaviours to the major signs that you are a self-saboture, the obvious and the less obvious, why we self-sabotage the links to childhood, to trauma, but also ultimately how we can cultivate healthier habits and patterns and let go of our negative beliefs to break the cycle of self-sabotage. So if you are sick of striking yourself down and being your own worst enemy, this episode is for you. I cannot wait to get into it. So without further ado, let's go.

self-sabotage, also known as self-destructive behaviour, is a pattern of habits and actions and unconscious decisions that are innately harmful, and they undermine our goals and well-being, or just all-around levels of happiness. At their core, these behaviours are driven by things like unresolved emotional pain, low self-esteem, a sense of unworthiness, and the sense that we need to almost punish ourselves for something that's happened in the past. Individuals who engage in these self-destructive behaviours, probably like you and I, they may use them as coping mechanisms to numb or distract themselves from their underlying psychological distress. It obviously differs from what we would typically see as sabotage, like in the movies

or in like a Shakespeare play, you know, the form of malicious actions by others to disrupt or hinder us. And it really zones in on this idea and belief that we can be our own biggest saboteur when it comes to not just our major goals, but also our everyday life. And I think secret here is that everyone engages in these kinds of behaviours. Every single one of us will self-sabotage at some point in our lives. And when we are in our 20s, I think we are particularly vulnerable because we don't yet have a strong identity. We can be super confused about our goals and our future. And we don't really yet have as much of that hindsight or experience to recognize the correlation between certain habits and the outcomes that cause us to stress and cause us to undermine our

progress or just our life in general. The origins of this term or idea that actually they're somewhat ancient. It is this idea that has been around for some time and used it in one way or another to describe individuals who acted in a quote unquote unsavory manner. But it wasn't really given a formal name or really studied until the late 1800s. And who do we have to think for that? Well, of course, it was Freud, the granddaddy of psychology. Self-sabotage has a lot to do with our ego and our unconscious beliefs and our childhood development.

So, of course, Freud is going to have his fingers in this in some form or another. And he was the one who came up with and kind of presented. this idea of the death drive, which he believed was innate in humans, and it is essentially this unconscious psychological urge towards self-destruction, which he theorized was actually really cathartic. You know, ruining your life meant being free from ordinary stresses and responsibilities and kind of claiming a whole new set of burdens, but for just a second, we feel really liberated. And he was describing what we now know as self-destructive behaviors or self-sabotage. And they can really occur in any domain of life, you know, our relationships, our careers,

our family, our physical well-being, emotional well-being, or just general happiness, you know, where there is room to grow or succeed, there is room to self-sabotage. I know I've already given some examples, but I want to give some more here just to paint kind of a broader image of what this looks like. It may be, you know, starting fights with your partner even when you're not mad, lashing out, you know, neglecting your physical needs, being unconsciously indecisive, ignoring your intuition, maybe making dating choices you know you shouldn't be doing or scrolling on your phone or impulse buying. Anything that actually is counterproductive to a conscious goal you have,

but you physically cannot stop yourself from doing. It's like this strange kind of alter ego has taken over your body and is making you act in a certain way. That is a self-sabotaging behavior. and the reason why I stress this almost inability to stop ourselves is because these behaviors can be conscious or unconscious. And this kind of depends on our level of self-awareness or I guess denial. This links back to Freud's initial ideas and conceptualization of self-sabotage, whereby he believed that the reason we create obstacles for ourselves is because we're our subconscious mind, also known as the anti-self, interrupts our logical conscious mind,

making them at conflict. For example, you may be wanting to treat your body better and eat healthier and be more active, but you find yourself inexplicably always missing your workouts or eating foods, you know what make you feel good, drinking juice and soft drink instead of water. And in those instance, it's because your logical conscious mind, which is responsible for goal-driven behavior, is being undermined by this anti-self. And this anti-self, this unconscious impulse may stem from us just kind of not believing that we deserve the future we're striving for or that we deserve to live in a gentle, non-caotic environment.

and that's one of the deeper, I guess, root issues and causes of self-sabotage, our internal belief system around what we feel we deserve in life. And these notions of self-punishment and a distorted sense of self-worth. I think that's why it's so maladaptive. And another reason we find it difficult to recognize self-destructive patterns is not just because they are unconscious, but because sometimes they are so deeply ingrained and part of the fabric of society

that we don't even blink an eye or take time to examine what they mean for us on an individual level. Something I've realized is that there are so many insidious, sometimes invisible behaviors, that are actually really self-destructive. And some of them are socially acceptable and encouraged, so we may not always think about them. I think of habits like overworking or excessive busyness.

But the biggest one I've been considering a lot recently is drinking alcohol. I drink alcohol. I love a fun night. I love a cheeky cocktail, a celebratory drink or two. But I think recently I've become very sober curious, I would say. And I saw this post the other day that really, solidified this thinking for me. And what it said was this. Alcohol is the only drug that causes intergenerational trauma that is still socially celebrated and accepted. Alcohol is a drug. We often do

not think about it on the same level as something like cocaine or meth, but it is addictive. It impacts our behavior. It works on our body in a depressive way, much like things like Valium or a benzodiazepine and I think it is the best example of a socially acceptable behaviour that actually contains an element of self-sabotage and obviously it exists on a spectrum ranging from you know straight up alcoholism to just consuming excessive alcohol in a way that is actually inconsistent with our values or plans you know being hung over for work or drinking before you know you have a big day or that you want to go for a run. But society doesn't really seem to have a problem with that. It doesn't have a problem with being drunk or hung over or using

alcohol to celebrate or even subconsciously numb some internal conflict we're having until it crosses over into an area that is socially unacceptable. And I really think that line is not all too clear. think the consumption of alcohol is a really good example to use here because it highlights A, how self-sabotaging is socially acceptable, but B, how these behaviors are also in some ways coping mechanisms. So coping mechanisms in psychology are these psychological and behavioral responses that we use to manage stress and emotions or challenging situations. And they can be maladaptive, meaning not appropriate for the situation we're in unhealthy, or they can be adaptive. So let's view them in the context of self-sabotage in which the coping mechanisms we employ

are going to be maladaptive because they are contrary to our conscious goals. For example, when we feel stressed, we use alcohol to calm us down, or when we are depressed, we isolate, when we are facing a major work or study deadline, we doomscroll on social media, we distract ourselves. All of these things may feel initially pleasant and useful, but in the long run, they are actually highly detrimental

and they will leave us feeling worse off. And a lot of the research into self-destructive behaviors demonstrates that link to unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I want to talk now about some of the signs that you are a self-saboture, that you are your own worst enemy, as we say. Recognizing signs of self-sabotage is, of course, I think, an important step in addressing and overcoming these self-defeating behaviours. We've talked a lot about why it is that they're negative and some of the early and more current and modern theories around why they exist.

But what do we need to look out for if you think that you are someone who self-saboture? sabotages. Number one, if you always blame others and choose to ignore how your behavior correlates to an outcome, this demonstrates a lack of self-awareness around the decisions we make and how they contribute to our overall happiness and satisfaction in life. It is very easy to bury our head in the sand when we feel trapped in a cycle of bad decisions and subsequent consequences, but the truth is that you are really the captain of your own ship and blaming others is just a massive indicator that you may actually be self-sabotaging because it is a lot easier to attribute our faults and our mistakes to others than to ourselves. And it's all in an

effort to protect our self-esteem. It's also known in psychology as attribution theory. So according to this theory, we often attribute the causes of events and outcomes to other people in a way that we externalize the cause and we externalize the problem to protect our self-image. And that is self-destructive because it denies us agency over our lives. It's called this idea of an external locus of control. We've spoken about it on the show before. essentially what it comes down to attribution theory, externalizing our problems, blaming others, is that we never feel like we are actually responsible for our lives.

And that makes it easy to feel like the bad things are not our fault, but also that the good things are all due to luck. And it's part of the self-sabotaging kind of cycle because we can be acting in a way that is entirely unhelpful and entirely unuseful and contradictory to our goals, but as long as we see it as someone else's problem, we are never going to change. The second biggest sign I would say is choosing to walk away when things get hard.

This demonstrates that you may unconsciously not believe that your goals are worth sacrifice and consequently that you are not worth the sacrifice, choosing to stick it out when things get tough shows a commitment to your growth you know as we always say on this podcast you can either be comfortable or you can choose to grow and when we shy away from the nitty-gritty of life we are essentially self-sabotaging and this can be explained by two psychological phenomena firstly learned helplessness and secondly a fear of failure this idea of learned helplessness was developed by Martin Seligman, and he came to the idea after he witnessed dogs essentially

being tied up and sadly abused. And what he found was that these dogs would continue to withstand that abuse even when they were released and they could run away or escape. And he drew from that conclusion and he linked it to the behavior he was observing in humans. And this idea of learned helplessness theory, it suggests that certain people may develop a belief that their actions have no influence or control over challenging situations. When we repeatedly encounter difficult or stressful circumstances, we do not see a positive outcome as possible. They learn to feel helpless. We learn to disengage from these situations as a coping mechanism. And it is a huge sign that you are at the end of the day in a cycle of self-sabotaging and unconsciously,

you do not believe that you are worth the effort. You do not believe that you are worth the hard times and so you kind of just walk away when things get tough. The third indicator is creating problems and conflict in your relationships. This is something that I've had to identify and unlearn in my own life. In a lot of my past relationships, I found that when things got really good, when I felt really secure, there was this part of me that almost felt uncomfortable with the level of peace and security that I was experiencing. You know, I know how to operate when things are hard. I know how to operate when things are rocky. And I think I find myself inherently more prepared for those worst case scenarios, so that is where I feel safe. And what that means is that when things are going

really well in my relationships, it's almost like I don't know how to be happy. So I would start fights. I would find something small and I would make it big. And I really don't feel ashamed to admit that because it's definitely something I've worked through and I know it's actually fairly common, but it's also not frequently discussed. And that habit, both in our roommates, relationships and also amongst family members, amongst colleagues, amongst friends, it's often due to self-destructive tendencies and things like insecurity, a fear of intimacy, unresolved emotional issues and difficulties with control, all of which are at the root of self-sabotaging. Equally, if you keep finding yourself in relationships with the same kinds of people,

often the repetition of these kinds of behaviors and the repetition of these choices shows that we are not a consciously aware of the decisions we are making but be there is some part of us that knows we are going to be let down knows we are going to be disappointed and allows us to be in that situation another big sign is engaging in negative self-talk talking down to ourselves i think that that is increasingly a massive issue in generation, but also finding that no matter how committed you are to a goal, you cannot follow through. And you know, motivation isn't everything. Sometimes the reason we can't sustain our commitment to our goals is because of this anti-self or unconscious element of our ego, which seeks to sabotage our

logical goal-orientated behavior. It is the easiest thing in the world to give up, especially when we subconsciously don't believe that we deserve what we're after. And it's not always your fault. You know, no one wants to deliberately fail on a conscious level, but it is these factors such as a fear of failure, a fear of success, and unconscious behaviors that contribute to this output and contribute to this pattern. It all comes back to self-sabotage. Obviously, this is just a very high-level list.

we could take this down to such a granular level, depending on the nature of your self-destructive behaviour. But I think that last point really brings us to what I really see is most valuable in this episode, and the most valuable information this episode contains, which is, why do we do this? Why exactly do we self-sabotage? It's such a complicated and nuanced psychological explanation. But I think that if we don't understand the reasoning and the origins and the causes, there is no way that we can address the habit.

So I'm so excited to get into that right after this break. 2%. That is the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter. And on my podcast, 2%, I break down the science of mental. toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. I'll be speaking with writers, researchers, and other health and fitness experts, and more to look past the impractical and way too complex pseudoscience that dominates the wellness industry. We really believe that

seed oils were inherently inflammatory. We got it wrong. Many of the problems that we are freaked out about in the world are the result of stress. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side, a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO percent on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember when Diana Ross double-tapped Little Kim's boobs at the VMAs? Or when Kanye said that George Bush didn't like black people. I know what you're thinking. What the hell does George Bush got to do a Little Kim? Well, you can find out on the Look Back at a podcast. I'm Sam Jette.

I'm Alex English. Each episode, we pick it here, unpack what went down, and try to make sense of how we survived it. Including a recent episode with Mark Lamont Hill, waxing all about crack in the 80s. To be clear, 84 is big to me, not just because of crack. I'm down to talk about crack on day, but just so y'all know. I mean, at this point, Mark, this is the second episode where we've discussed crack. So I'm starting to see that there's a through line. We also have AIDS on the table right now.

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In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckerd found himself at the center of a paternity scandal. The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story. This began a years-long court battle, to prove the truth. You doctored this particular test twice in so-ins, correct?

I doctored the test ones. It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case. I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for. Sunlight's the greatest disinfected. They would uncover a disturbing pattern. Two more men who'd been through the same thing. Greg Lespian and Michael Naroncini. My mind was blown.

I'm Stephanie Young. This is Love Trap. Laura, Scottsdale Police. As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences. Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges. This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona. Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the Iheart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Undermining our own success and our future is a habit we need to break early in our 20s.

are a great time for that. But I think the first step to conquering these tendencies is to understand the origins of self-sabotage. You know, if you don't know the cause of a problem, you cannot treat it. It's like any disease. You can't just treat people for everything, hoping you will address the main problem, and the same can be said for self-destructive behaviours. So I want to discuss some of the various psychological explanations that are rooted in the underlying emotional, cognitive and behavioral processes that create these habits. Obviously, individual experiences will all vary, but I would say that these reasons are the most common. We can't talk about self-destructive behaviours without talking about our childhood. What we witness and experience as children has an

and I would say very core impact on how we behave and what we believe as adults, particularly if we were raised in an environment of abuse or neglect or of chaos wherein our caregivers were inconsistent or didn't meet our primary physical and emotional needs. Back in 1991, this group of researchers, they decided to investigate this correlation and they found that clinical reports suggested that many adults who engage in self-sabotaging had childhood histories of trauma and a disrupted attachment style. They also concluded that childhood trauma from significant abuse to bullying or a divorce or low school performance, childhood illness and emotional neglect, they all contributed to

the initiation of self-destructive behavior. but the lack of a secure attachment helped maintain it. So if you were bullied as a child and you internalized that you deserved to be rejected and you deserved to be outcast, but then you also didn't have a parent who was willing to stand up for you, the chances of developing self-sabotaging behaviours later on in life is much higher. And there are also some deeper reasons that are due to this. this unresolved emotional issue and this unresolved cause of low self-esteem. Unresolved emotional trauma, it injures our core beliefs and identity.

And the reason behind that is because you feel like you are the one to blame and it makes you feel guilt. We can believe that we are responsible for a lot of what we have experienced because no one has never told us differently. and this fosters negative core beliefs such as that I am unlovable, that I don't deserve good things, that I am unworthy. And sadly, we act accordingly in the only way we kind of know how, which is to confirm those beliefs. This also links to low self-esteem in a study conducted in 2005. I think it actually was the same group of researchers, although I might be wrong, but they undertook a longitudinal study, which is a type of research in which they follow the same group of participants for a period of time to study the impact of a single variable. In this case, it was

childhood abuse and neglect. And they studied the impact of that on long-term outcomes. And what they were exploring was the stability of self-esteem over time and its association with childhood experiences. The findings indicated that individuals who experienced childhood abuse or trauma or neglect were more likely to have lower self-esteem. And when we have lower self-esteem, this results in a lack of belief in ourselves and a continuation of a series of self-fulfilling prophecies. We have never experienced what it feels like to feel secure and loved and that peace because we have only ever survived in chaos and uncertainty. And because of our subconscious need for familiarity, we continue to act in a way that sustains that environment and experience

resulting in self-sabotage. It's all very, I think, unconscious and it often occurs even without our voluntary recognition. And it also explains why if you have perhaps dated someone who was like really unkind to you or really injured your self-esteem, you have been conditioned and you might learn once again that you are not worthy. And so for your brain to feel comfortable and understanding, it continues to self-sabotage you. And ultimately, all that does is, like I said, set up a self-fulfilling prophecy that matches what these people have continuously told you about yourself. I think it's also important to talk about this in the sense of a coping mechanism. I know we spoke about that before, but we can use some of these behaviours as a crutch. For example, say we don't

believe in our abilities or we have a fear of failure. Well, you are never going to have to fail or completely trust in your own skills if you never give yourself an opportunity to succeed. So in this way, self-destructive tendencies protect us from feeling uncomfortable or from injuring our self-esteem. Procrastination, I think, is a great example of this. If you never start, if you never try, you can always blame this for your reason for failing, because if you actually tried and you failed, that would hurt so much more. It's a crutch. It's something that you rely on to protect yourself and make yourself feel better. I think about that in the sense of alcohol. as well and the use of social media or keeping yourself really busy to keep yourself distracted from

your problems. I think in this sense though with procrastination and with a lot of these things it kind of all comes down to this dual fear of failure but also fear of success. You know this fear of success involves being afraid of actually meeting your potential being afraid of being afraid of achievement because you don't want to be admired. You don't want to have those responsibilities. You don't want to be in the spotlight and feel like you are going to fail. So you avoid what would be a novel and uncertain situation by unconsciously ensuring that you will never get to the point where you have to be seen as successful, where you do actually put yourself in a place where you are happy because you're afraid of losing that once you achieve it. I think on the other hand,

what comes into play here is a fear of failure or even rejection. And what that means is that we may handicap ourselves to the point where we never have to be in a situation where it is even possible for us to succeed. You know, you can begin to see here how complicated this interaction is, but also how every person's individual profile and experiences and history will mean that they act very differently. There have also been some suggestions in psychology that self-sabotage is a form of punishment. And if we look at this,

especially in the context of emotional trauma or low self-esteem and feeling like we are not good enough because of what others have told us, we can see why. Individuals who carry unresolved guilt or shame from past experiences may engage in self-sabotage as a way to punish themselves for their perceived wrongdoings or for the behaviour that they accepted from others. They may believe that they deserve to suffer or they deserve to face negative consequences, leading them to self-sabotage their own efforts or opportunities because they don't really know what it would be like

to challenge that belief and see what's on the other side. Thinking back to some of the signs of these behaviours, we spoke a bit about learned helplessness and I think that this is very much an output of that. I want to give one final reason here around why we self-sabotage that I think is most crucial for people in their 20s. Self-sabotage can often stem from an unconscious conflict between what we think we want in our life and what we actually want. So psychodynamic theories such as psychoanalysis, it proposes that self-sabotage may actually arise from an unresolved conflict or unconscious desires that sabotage our own success or our happiness because we actually want something else. We may have been told that we need to desire and want

one thing such as success and admiration and accolades, but actually at our core, we really don't want those things. We want a happy and quiet and peaceful life and because we haven't yet been able to actually recognize that because we are consciously pursuing what we think society wants from us, we silently sabotage our goals in an effort to actually achieve the outcome that we really want. Or when we think about this in the sense of a romantic connection or a relationship, maybe deep down, you know that this person is not right for you. You know that you do not want to be with this person. So subconsciously, you undermine the relationship, you start conflict, you sabotage it in hope that they will leave you and your problem will be resolved. None of this is obviously pleasant

or desirable or ideal, especially in our 20s when we want to achieve our goals. We want to be happy in our relationships. We want to be making the right decisions and be fulfilled. And as we said before, we want to have agency over our decisions. So how do we stop? How do we break the cycle of being our own worst enemy? I think it starts with self-awareness. And yes, I know that is very broad, but let me explain a bit further. These habits and actions which contradict our conscious goals are very much internal.

And they have an unconscious basis, but they also show up very tangibly. So it's about being able to recognize those cues from your environment and from what's happening in your life that the way you are acting is perhaps not efficient or productive. Pay attention to those patterns of self-sabotage and identify the triggers, the thoughts and the emotions that precede these behaviors. I think becoming aware of the underlying reasons behind you, you know, behind why you self-sabotage is the first step in addressing them. So, for example, if you find that you only ever engage in indecisiveness or you distract yourself or you isolate when you are feeling really overwhelmed, it may be because of these unconscious beliefs about your capabilities and that maybe you don't deserve good things, you don't

deserve to work hard or you don't deserve to properly rest. All of it, I think, comes from beliefs that we have about ourselves and what we deserve. And by addressing those, we addressed the behavior that stems from that. I think also part of that is challenging negative beliefs, examining and challenging those things that you hold about yourself, those ideas that you have about yourself, such as feeling unworthy or fearing success, is really valuable here. want to replace those negative beliefs, which are the origins of self-sabotage, with more positive and realistic ones. And a main way that we do this is through cognitive behavioral therapy, CBT. We talk about this all the time. Essentially, the basis of this method or this

practice is by challenging our cognitions, such as I do not deserve happiness, we change our behavior. So it's about looking at what are those thoughts? And challenging them. What is the evidence for our unworthiness? What is the evidence for needing to feel guilty about good things happening? What is the evidence around this idea that we can't be happy? When you look at the evidence for those and you manage them in an objective rather than a subjective manner, you get to change your behavioral outputs. The other thing is to build healthy coping strategies. You want to replace those self-destructive behaviors with healthier ones, engaging in activities that promote self-care, that promote reducing your stress

and improving your emotional well-being, like exercise, like mindfulness, journaling, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy will break the habit of going to what you believe is most convenient, which is the behaviors that actually undermine your success. And I think the final element of this is around accountability. Often, We do not consciously realize when something is a problem, but there are people in our lives who do. So reaching out to your family, your friends, or a therapist even, who can provide support and guidance and accountability is so valuable here. I think you really need people who are going to be honest with you. And like, trust me, tough love is such a blessing sometimes.

I remember when I was maybe like 19 or 20, I kept dating these like awful people who were all the same. They were like a copy and paste version of each other. And one of my friends was like, Gemma, just in case you don't see it, literally every single one of these men is exactly the same. And you are just putting yourself in the same situation again and again. And it was self-sabotage. I didn't think I deserved real deep love. and I was reinforcing that implicit belief I had about myself by dating people who I knew would never challenge that and who I knew would confirm what I thought was intrinsic and innate about myself.

It was a bit of a rude awakening, I will say, but I think we all need people in our lives who aren't afraid to be honest and keep us accountable in a compassionate manner. I think there is a difference between someone being like, oh my God, you always make such stupid decisions. That's just like entirely unhelpful. There's a difference between that and someone being like, hey, I just want to flag this with you that you said that drinking makes you feel uncomfortable and that drinking is taking away from your goals and that you would much rather spend that time focused on yourself or in bed or meditating or doing something non-alcohol related. and I can see that you're not really following that goal that you had for yourself. And I think that's really valuable, having people who love you enough and care about you enough to actually remember what you want from your life and remember your goals and who will tell you

when you are perhaps self-sabotaging. So I think those are some of the main strategies that I've adopted and that I think we should all adopt if we come to recognize that our pattern of decisions and our habits are actually not entirely aligned to the lifestyle and the life we want to lead. I will say it one final time. This is entirely normal. Self-sabotage is I think something a lot of us have to come to recognize. I would really encourage you to look at your life and try and identify what behavior. don't really align with your higher self or your long-term goals or the kind of the life that you want or what you want from your emotional well-being or your mental state. Is there something that

you are doing perhaps unconsciously that is not helpful? I think when we take time to reflect and to sit with our decisions and think about them consciously, often it's like a Pandora's box. We suddenly reveal so many, like, dark habits and, like, unconscious behaviors that we didn't even realize we were performing as an act of self-sabotage. So I really hope that this has been useful and that you have learned something. I always say this. I know I sound like a broken record, but, like, I really needed to, like, investigate this. I was talking to my friends around self-sabotage and our own lives, and I was like, holy shit, like, there has been a lot of things I've been doing recently, a lot of negative self-talk, a lot of behaviors, a lot of actions that

are actually really contradictory with the life I want to lead. So I really hope that maybe that's something that you are looking out for now as well. Obviously, it's okay to face setbacks. It's okay to, you know, be indecisive and to sometimes have those parts of you that you don't love, but being conscious of them is such a step in the right direction. If there is someone who you think needs to hear this, send it to them, obviously, with compassion like my friend did for me. You never know who it will help out. And if you found this episode helpful, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now. If you, of course, feel called to do so, it really makes my day, helps the show grow and

reach new people. And it's just a small thing I think you can do to, I don't know, maybe make me feel encouraged. Maybe just share on the love, share on some of the positive things in life. And as always, if you have an episode suggestion or if you just want to be in touch, if you want to be part of the community, see what episodes are coming out, see some video clips from these episodes. Please follow me at That Psychology Podcast on Instagram. I'd love to see you over there. Come and say hi. And we will be back next week with another episode. So I will see you then. That's the number of people who take the stairs when there is also an escalator available. I'm Michael Easter.

I'm on my podcast, 2%. I break down the science of mental toughness, fitness, and building resilience in our strange modern world. Put yourself through some hardships, and you will come out on the other side a happier, more fulfilled, healthier person. Listen to 2%. That's TWO.% on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. on the Look Back at it podcast For 1979 That was a big moment for me

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You're listening to Learn the Hardway with your favorite therapist and host Keer Games. This space is about black men's experiences, having honest conversations that it's really not safe to have anywhere, but you're having them with a licensed professional who knows what he's doing. How many men carry a suit or armor. It signals to the world that you're not to be played with. And just because you have the capability that does not mean that you need to. Listen to learn the hard way on the AHA radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. In 2023, Bachelor star Clayton Eckerd was accused of fathering twins. But the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax.

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