The Rachel Cruze Show - Create a Calm-ish Holiday Season With These Simple Habits

Episode Date: October 22, 2025

📈 Are you on track with the Baby Steps? Get a free personalized plan. The holidays are hectic, but they don’t have to be! In this episode, I sit down with Niro Feliciano. She’s a cognitive psychotherapist, an expert on anxiety and brain science, and a wife and mom of four. We discuss how you can create a less frantic holiday season and enjoy the time you have with your loved ones. Let’s get into it!   Next Steps: 🎥 Watch my video: 3 Healthy Money Boundaries to Set With Family  💵 The simplest way to budget. Download the EveryDollar app for free! Check out Niro Feliciano’s book All Is Calmish today! Connect With Our Sponsors:   Learn more about Christian Healthcare Ministries. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to FAIRWINDS Credit Union for an exclusive account bundle!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 🎙️ The Ramsey Show  💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🧠 The Dr. John Delony Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hey, you guys, I am thrilled to have Nero Flisiano with us today. She is a cognitive psychotherapist, yes, and an expert on psychology, and brain science. She's also a wife and a mom of four. And her new book, All Is Comish is Out, and she is just incredible, you guys. She has such incredible wisdom and insight. She's one of my favorite people. So the fact that she is here in studio, I'm just so excited about. All right, make sure to like, subscribe, and share this episode with a friend.

And here is our conversation. I'm so glad you're here. Me too. This makes me so happy. Okay. So as we're going into the holidays, you have been talking about the subject, thinking about this subject a lot with just the world. Because number one, your book, Allish-Comish.

Yes. And I love it. Oh, is Comish. Good. Such a fun, such a fun title. It's true, right? It is. Is.

Yes. Yes. Yeah. Never fully, it feels like. So I'm curious from you with your perspective of, why do you feel like we are the way we are in America today of just overabundance of not just like the consumer side and like the buying of the holidays, but our time, like our expectations, like where we have to be, all of that? Like, does it feel like a lot? And has it always been like

that? Or am I just a grown up now? And I feel like I realize it. I'm a therapist and just hearing you say that makes me feel overwhelmed. So I can only imagine the average person. It is. And I think part of it, why, especially in the holidays, it gets overwhelming. because we're all operating at maximum capacity all year long, right? Do you know anyone who has extra mental bandwidth these days? Totally. Especially parents, you know, when every activity is year-round and there's a sign up for everything and an app that you have to sign into

for passwords you don't remember, you know, every single time. So then we think about we have to run life like that and then put everything else on top of the holidays. So that's where I think it gets to be kind of emotional overload during that time. But then we're also living in this culture that's bigger, better, more all the time. Yes. And we're inundated with what life could look like and what life for someone else looks like and how much better it is all the time because everyone has access to social media on their phones. So I think a combination of the two because that piece also still goes on the holidays.

Then it's just tailored to the holidays. Look what you have to do. Look what you can get. Look how beautiful your house can look. Gets all then. It just merges and collides. together. That's right. It's what it feels like. Yeah. So it is probably the pace at which we live normally, which I never even really thought about that. Because you kind of just, I can just focus in

on like a specific time on the calendar. But then when you stop and examine everything, you're like, oh no, your normal day to day is already crazy and going like every hour is booked with something. And then you put holidays on top. And then you add technology and being able to see what everyone's doing. So people are feeling that. Like I talk about money a lot of like the margin of your money and your finances. And like, how do we have expectations and be wise about that? But from like a time and a relational standpoint, what does that look like for people as they're going into the holidays and planning trips, seeing family that they may or may not even want to see? Right. That's a whole other conversation. Friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, like,

like, what is that? How do you even start? Like, if someone does feel so overwhelmed and they're like, okay, I'm going to this holiday season, life already is crazy, what are things they can and like think through, prioritize, put boundaries up, like all of it. Like where can I even start? Yeah. And I had to think about that for the book. Yes. Because it usually starts with us.

And then we set the tone for our household. So I actually wrote this book through two holidays because the deadline actually got pushed out a year. But I said, okay, now I'm writing it through the second one. I'm going to practice what I know I put into place. And part of that is just starting with a moment of calm in your day. that could be one minute of breathing before you go on your phone to just center. It actually doesn't take long, Rachel.

Yeah. You know, we think about all these practices that we're told that we need to do, all these wellness lists that we're trying to check off. And even that gets overwhelming. Sure. Start with one minute of breathing before you go on any device in the morning, right? And the other thing I did was I created a little small ritual for myself that I would try to do a couple times a week. Okay.

And all it was was I sat down. I actually did a devotional because that's what I do. But I lit a candle. And there was something about having that candle and the smell of it and a focal point. All of this took all of five minutes, by the way. Sure. But it changed by energy in the day. And I would also say, aside from, for me, that was something I had to look forward to throughout the whole season.

But take three things when you think about your whole season and everything you do. Three things that you say, I'm going to be fully present for that. We cannot be fully present all throughout the day. I love people who can, but most of us can. Sure, sure. We run at this crazy pace. Right. The three things that those are important to me, I don't want to miss it.

I want to remember it, two holidays, three holidays from now. And that gives us a sort of structure that we can then begin to build around. I love that. And I even like that you kind of put a little bit of a time frame because you're like during the season, do this. because it calms you during this craziness. Right. It may be a habit you take on for the rest of the year. Right.

That you love. But even the senses, like the smell of the candle, like people talk about that, the memory. Yes. Of what someone told me when I first got pregnant with my first, she said, wear a different perfume during each pregnancy. Huh. And when you go back, you'll remember. And I'm not kidding. It is crazy.

And I did. I did three different scents through my pregnancy. But all that to say, the power of even just smell. Yes. And so I'm like, yeah. So engage your. engage your senses with it to allow your actual body to calm down and be present. Because there, I'm assuming, you kind of get a clearer mind to make other decisions that are coming up.

You absolutely do. The senses are powerful. And even when people are having panic attacks, one of the grounding exercises we do is engage your five senses in the moment around you. What do you see? What do you smell? That's right. Exactly. So that's very true. So, so when, so you get this ritual in place. Yes. You can calm down. It doesn't have to be fancy, literally, like three to five minutes. Yes.

But it's something that grounds you in that moment. But be consistent with it. Yes. Because then that leads to the ability to have a level of, like, what, mental capacity. That's right. To start to make these decisions. And as people look forward and they're like, okay, you know, maybe they've gone through Thanksgiving or something, right? And they're heading into the Christmas season.

What do you say of, like, expectations of other people during the home? holidays. And what do you do to like, I don't know, man, like, when are you supposed to, quote unquote, just be a good person? And like, you know what I mean? Like, which is such like more of the people pleaser. And then where do you put up the boundary and say, okay, we don't have time for X, Y, and Z? Because we literally don't. And if I say yes to these things, it's going to cause chaos and disruption. And it's not worth it. Like, we're going to create some margin in that. Like, how do you pick and choose and how do you create those boundaries? Yeah. It's complicated depending on the situation, right?

Yeah. And there isn't a scripted answer that's going to fit everybody's situation. But I do think we can go back to what about this situation can I control? Because that's all we can control. We can't control how someone else is going to respond or what they're going to bring up. We can plan our responses to it, though, right? Yes, yes. So whether that means, okay, I need to step away when things get heated, I need to work on,

what will it take to calm me down in that? moment. I live in the north, as you know, it's cold, and cold actually helps. So maybe if you live down here, you just stick your head in a freezer at that moment when someone says anything, right? Right, because that actually calms us. But I think go back to what can I control and what do I have to let go of and surrender in that moment? And in terms of being a nice person, they're varying degrees of that. Sure. We can be cordial. We can be loving. But at the same time, boundaries and enable us to stay nice and loving. So that's going to be important too because we're also trying to protect our family. Right? Because sometimes those interactions affect everyone in our family,

even maybe our kids in that moment. Sure. And I think there's this misconception that boundaries, if you set boundaries, you're kind of a jerk and you're not loving, but they actually enable us to stay compassionate for longer. Yes. So boundaries can look like in the holidays, someone wants to come and stay at your house for two weeks. And you say, hey, we would love to see you. But we've made plans for some of those days. Can you come from, you know, Friday to Tuesday or whatever it might be? And you're on the proactive one.

That's right. Yes, of setting that up. All right. More of my conversation with Nero in a minute. But first, I do want to tell you about one of our sponsors, Christian Healthcare Ministries. More than a hundred million Americans carry medical debt, which shows traditional coverage, often leaves people to face big bills alone. And families need more than coverage.

They need community. And that's why I love Christian Healthcare Ministries, a budget-friendly faith-based alternative to health insurance. So there are no networks, no insurance headaches. Go to CHministries.org slash budget to learn more. And you guys, when you're working at the baby steps, your bank shouldn't be working against you. That's how I love Fairwin's Credit Union.

They share Ramsey values like getting out of debt, saving for the future and putting people first. Their smart checking and savings bundle was designed to line up with the baby steps. So if you're ready to move your money somewhere that supports your financial goals, fair wins is what you've been looking for. Just head to fairwins.org slash Ramsey to open your smart checking and savings bundle today. I get a sense and I don't want to say it's true forever. I don't want to make a blanket statement, but I do feel like there's kind of been this trend recently of gosh my parents or my family maybe voted a certain way or you know or maybe you're in therapy yourself and you're realizing oh my gosh my parents weren't perfect and maybe

there was some hurt I don't know hurt there there just seems to be a lot of fractured relationship and I see and I feel like I hear more and more of this almost applause to people that like remove themselves yes and again it may not be everywhere. But I feel like I start to kind of see pockets. And I do, and I have been in situations and no very close friends that there was, there was an abusive situation. And there is a actual, like, there are reasons to put up hard boundaries 100%. And then as, and then as, you know, not that extreme, but even like people that literally don't have money. They're like, I literally cannot buy a plane ticket to fly across the country this Christmas. Like we cannot

afford it, right? And that's a boundary. You may have, you don't have the means to do it, right? And that's going to be a boundary. So, so there are, reasons for boundaries. Absolutely. Do you think that we've gone too crazy with our approach to, I don't want to even call it boundaries, because I think that's, that word can be thrown out. But relational, I don't know, I hate to say severedness, but like, does that make sense? I don't know. I feel like I hear more and more people cutting people off and there's like an applause to it versus like a grief. I just feel like there, if there's a sadness there to that. I, I 100% agree with you and that we're seeing way too much of it in situations.

that don't warrant it in situations where, okay, we can actually have a really beautiful, productive, healthy relationship and not have every piece in alignment, right? Right. And a lot of times the relationships I'm hearing about are adult children cutting off their parents. Yes, that's it. Yes. Which is also very sad, you know? Yes.

Yes. So I think part of it is we live in a culture where everything deserves attention, every opinion, every viewpoint and people platform them. And at the end of the day, it's like, what is it that is going to make your life fulfilling? Is it standing on this one issue? For some people, it might be. But for the majority of people, it's not. Right.

Right? I always think before you're about to set those kind of boundaries. And some of them, you may have irreconcilable issues, and that's different. There may be abuse. It may be toxicity. That's different. Yes. But we're using those labels far too.

easily before we're really exploring the situation. And I would say, think about your history with this person. Think about the moments where you've shown up for each other. Think about times where this is actually meant something to you. And is that possible now? And especially if we take away that one issue that's creating conflict, can we still have this type of relationship? For some, the answer is no. And in that case, okay. But unless we stop to ask those questions, we're never going to know. We're never going to know. And what we lose may be far more valuable than what we gain by setting the boundaries.

So we have to go through that process. No, that's so good. Because as we're talking about the holidays and relationships and all of that, it is, yeah, it's interesting. I'm like, you know, you can't be everywhere, right? So there may be times you're going to have to say no. But then I do always wonder if you look back, you know, are there times that we said no to a full relationship, which is so sad, and or ongoing holiday traditions or whatever. And like, do we get to be 80 years old and look back at our life and be like, wow, my priorities were actually the opposite.

It should have been probably more people-oriented than maybe some other things that we're putting. I don't know. But it is interesting because I feel like we're in that season as a family, just in the sense of kids and activities. And we're getting pulled from three different grades now where my kids are and parents, different groups of parents, which are so fun. I mean, but it's, our world just starts to get bigger and bigger. And we're like, oh my gosh, we can't. My husband looked at me the other day. He's like, Rachel, we can't say yes to everything.

Like, we really can't. And I'm like, I know, but I want to. Like, but everything's so social and fun. And I'm like, we can do this party and then leave early to go to this. And he's like, right. Just. But you mentioned something that's really important. And this is one way we look at.

Are we investing our time in the right places? Think about when you are 80 years old towards that stage of your life. And you look back on your life. What do you find is going to be valuable even that? when you look back. What would you regret if you didn't do? Yes. And that question can actually be a guide to how you invest your time and money and relationships now.

Yes. No, that's so good. Okay. Those are all good things to remember, especially I feel like coming up on the holidays. You talk about in the book to choose connection over perfection, which I love. Because I am not a perfectionist. That is one thing that I've never struggled with. I struggle with a lot of things, discontentment.

You know, all the things. There's a lot of things. Four kids broke me of any perfection. I just, I'm like cut corners where you can. I think it's great. Like I'm, I'm fine with it. But I know for certain personalities, even within my own nuclear family, even my, I'm like, I can see the ones that like it is such a part of who they are. Yes. And if you can't do it perfect, they're not satisfied. They're not satisfied. Yes. And so they'll put their time and effort into these tasks that at the end of the day, I'm like, you're okay. Like, it's okay if it's not great. But during the holidays, why, why is this? is so important to choose that connection over the perfection. I think there are a couple reasons now. I mean, when, and I can't underestimate the impact of social media. Yeah.

The photographing of things, the posting of things, especially when everybody else is doing it. It really is so powerful. And we talk about it. I mean, you and I can talk about it and be like, so stupid. But we still all do it on some level. Yes. Right? It's part of our culture now.

Yes. But I think when we think about at the end of it, are we depleted? are we exhausted? And have we enjoyed the people who are the most important to us in that season? We have to take account of if we are feeling depleted and exhausted, if we don't feel like we got enough time with them, if the season went by too fast, then what can we eliminate that at the end of the day, and I hate to say because I think it's important to do things for ourselves.

Yeah. But no one else cares about you. No one else in your family cares about or people coming over, whatever it is. Yes. This is why now I tell my friends, you know, come over my house. Like, it's going to be messy. Yes.

You know, I have four kids. We have two jobs. It's going to be messy. Just come over. Yes. Because I'd rather do that than spend all the time perfecting the way my house looks and never spending that time with my friends. Yes. So questions like that, I think, they're important.

And it's really just being honest with yourself about what's going on around us. Yes. I even think, like, when we have dinner, I have like two friends and I love them dearly, but they do it all the time. And I'm like, stop. Come, sit down. They'll, like, get up and do dishes in the middle. You know what I mean? And it's even that kind of, and I know it's probably more for efficiency

than, like, worried about perfection by any means. But there is something of, like, we can get so task-oriented. We can put this expectation of what things should be for other people, really not even for ourselves. But they're doing that because they love you and they want to help you. No, at their house. Oh, at their house. Oh, at that age your house. That too.

They will do it at mine, too. If they start doing it, go ahead. They start to get up and do it. And I'm like, yes, stop it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because they can't sit till it's done. Yeah, that's right. That's right.

Yeah, that's right. That's right. Yes, I know. And that's what they say all the time. And it's so funny. And I mean, I'm not that person. It's just an exact. It's like a quick, like, I mean, it takes like 15 minutes.

It's not the end of the world. But you take, you know, any level of that and extrapolate it over the, over the course of the entire holiday season, right? And you're just like, oh my gosh. Like, let's don't. So here's another thing to, right? practice, even at five to ten minute increments of your day, just doing being bored. Doing something without listening to something.

Oh, God, that's hard. We're having something on. I mean, we do it driving for five to ten minutes with being bored. And not looking at your phone. And not looking at your phone. Because that helps us to practice being present, right? Yes. So that person who's getting up to do the dishes in the middle of a conversation has trouble

directing their thoughts to that moment right then. and this is a way that we can train our brain to do it in other moments that are more consequential, more impactful. Yes. Oh, my gosh. It's so interesting. I was just talking to friends literally yesterday about kind of this topic. Yes. Where I started examining. My husband asked me this question. So now I'm just kind of aware. Like I'm like watching, feeling my brain, like where it's going during the day where my thoughts go. And I'm like, it is so true how the, I mean, I'm going to say 98% of where my brain is most of the time is thinking about. and not even the future, like, five years, but, like, in the next, like, yeah, two hours of, like, I got a 3.30 here.

We got to, you know, dinner at six. Like, I got to leave house by, like, you're there. I don't really, I don't necessarily think about the past a ton. I know some people, their mind can kind of go there. But rarely do I practice just literally like, yeah, even when I'm driving. Like, last night I did it because we were talking about it. And I'm like, I'm driving my two kids listening to like Boris Frank or whatever, you know, Right. To Sonic from Jo. And she went to, I don't know. I was like replaying and just like,

this is what I'm doing right now. I had to make myself, though, think it. Like it doesn't just come. It's a practice. It is. Right. Because everything in our life and our culture now pulls us away from that, right? We're standing in the grocery store for literally one minute we're bored. We take out her phone. Yes. Yes. And also in those moments, we limit our ability to think more deeply. So think about big ideas. Think about, you know, our purpose and our meaning. because we don't give us the moment, the chance to actually let those things come up. Yes. So that's the bigger picture benefit. Yeah, of what you're getting there.

The small practices is so good. But every season, too, I'm like even through summer, you know, people, the number one thing everyone always says is, I can't believe it's over and went so fast, right? And people say that about the holiday season too. Yes. When you come back in January, like, oh my gosh, it's just like, I can't believe it's over. I didn't feel that way. The one time it didn't feel when I did the book and you were right.

Yes. Yes. Even though it was so small. I felt like, okay, I had these micro moments of presence and things. And I ended the holiday feeling differently, not how I had every other year. And I have four kids in a job, right? So if I can incorporate that in a small way. So it's a testament. Yes.

Everything in there. It's your time, oh, my gosh, it's so good. Okay, what else would you say as we end this that you're like, I want people to know this for the season coming up? It could be from the book or just from your thoughts. Yeah. I think the connection over perfection is a big piece of it, you know, and to think about what do you remember from your holidays growing up? What are you taking with you now as adults? And if we think about it, they probably look different than what we're experiencing right now

and what we're doing right now, the extent to which we are doing. Yes. So if you stop and think about that and think about what do you want your kids to remember 20 years from now. Yeah. Those are the areas we focus. on. And then it allows us to think about, okay, what can I let go? And maybe we don't let go of it forever, but trial run it. Yeah, for a few months, just like do it. For one holiday. All right, maybe we'll do a little bit less so we can feel more, right? We can be more present. Yes, with the kids and their memories when you said that, is there, I don't even know, is there like scientific studies or something around the idea that experiences and moments as a family versus actual things

and when they? Because I mean, I think it's always, people always ask it and it's true. We're like, what did you get for your six Christmas? You know, when you're six years old, most people can't answer it, but they can talk about, here's the tradition we always did, X, Y, and Z. But is there? There is. Because the experience usually involves connection, right? And we know from the Harvard study of well-being. It's our greatest predictor of well-being, the strength of our connections. So experience also incorporates that piece of it. then neurologically, they're different neurochemicals. So when we get something new, it's a lot of dopamine, which we know fades over time. So if you ask my kids, what did you get last Christmas,

they probably can't remember. Right? But if you ask, what did we do or bring up some sort of experience you might have, they'll remember, they'll remember going to the show together, right, in the city. So that also then releases oxytocin. That boosts our serotonin. So those are longer acting kind of appreciation neurochemicals versus kind of the quick high, low of dopamine. So yes. I was like, I knew.

I knew we were created in some way for that to be true. Yeah, it is true. Gosh, amazing. Well, thank you so much for all the wisdom and everything. And where can everyone get the book? Thank you. Anywhere. Anywhere.

The great Amazon. Amazon Barnes & Noble. And thank you because you have a chapter in my book. I do. Where you shared your wisdom about talking about money and budgets. It's tough conversation. I know this was actually like our introduction was this was the interview. I think the first time we actually like.

Our first kind of in person. Zoom call. Yes, I know, which I so appreciated. So great. Okay. And where can everyone find you? Well, on today.com, I actually searched myself today. I'm like, I'm here a lot.

So you can find a lot of the things that I talk about there, but on my website, nerofiliana.com and then on Instagram too. That's right. You're there too. So great. Well, thank you so much for being here. Thank you, Rachel. All right, I hope you guys enjoyed that conversation.

Now, if you're looking for more ways to have a stress-free holiday season, be sure to check out my episode, Three Healthy Money Boundaries to Set with Family. You can click right here or click the description below. All right, you guys, remember to take control of your money and create a life you love.