The Rachel Cruze Show - How to Actually Make Progress With Your Money This Year

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

In this episode of The Rachel Cruze Show, you’ll learn: Seven ways to fix your money problems The key to changing your money behaviors for good with Dr. Henry Cloud How to handle your money in the midst of grief Resources: Minno Tuft and Needle Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yes, if you're changing your behavior, that's why it's hard. It's so easy to just stay in that habit, stay in that circuit of what you've always known, even though it's not working. So in order to change, there's going to be friction, you guys. There's going to be that rub because it's hard. Hey, guys, welcome to another episode of the Rachel Crewe Show podcast, and it is officially 2021. I cannot believe 2020 is behind us. It is a fresh new year, a fresh new start on so many fronts.

but I'm so glad that you're here, and I'm glad you're listening to this episode because I interviewed Dr. Henry Cloud. He is a psychologist, counselor, bestselling author, brilliant in so many ways. But I really wanted to talk to him about changing habits because we all, you know, we all have habits that we want to change in life, but specifically with money and digging into who we are, and he just speaks so much wisdom into this. So I can't wait for you to hear our conversation. I'll also be answering a question from my Facebook community about what to do with your finances after a tragedy happens in your family. But first, let's talk about the seven ways to fix your money problems because, let's be honest, we all got problems that they need to fix

him. So let's dive into that. Take a listen. Today, I am so excited to really dive deep into the seven money to the seas that I talk about from my brand new book, Know Yourself, Know Your Money. These are really important. So when you dive into these, what's going to happen is you're going to see, number one, that there is not a good or a bad side of these spectrums, okay? So there's not a moral compass, but I will say the extremes on any of these, not as good, okay? So you're going to probably be one or the other, but moderation I have found in like every area of my life is probably the healthiest,

just kind of that moderation, but you're naturally going to be one or the other. And what this is also going to do is help just give you the vernacular of seeing, okay, this is why I do things with money. It's a really, really easy way to say, yes, that is me. And then you're naturally going to say, oh, and that's my spouse, or that's my parent, or that's my kid, because you're going to start to understand people more. And that's one reason I wanted to do this is that not only do you learn about yourself, but also can put yourself in the shoes of others and have empathy to say, oh, that's why you're doing

this with money, maybe because it's one of these seven tendencies. So let's dive in. All right, the first money tendency is one we've talked about on the show before, but it's an important one when it comes to money, is spender or saver? Which when are you? So, if your first thought when a friend announces that she's pregnant is that you immediately want to start shopping for the perfect baby gift because you're so excited, you might be a spender. Yes, spenders are really creative when it comes to how to spend money because they're really good at it. So whenever they have extra money, it's like a hole is burning in their pocket instantly. But the good thing

about spenders is that they live life like this. So they're natural giver. as well. Now, savers, on the other hand, if you got money for your birthday, you might just be thinking, eh, I'll just put in the bank, and that just satisfies you. That just makes you feel great inside. You like to keep money away, you know, for a rainy day. Oh, putting money aside for the future is not a big deal. No, not a lot of sacrifice because they are patient, responsible, and willing to wait. So, what are you? Are you a spender or a saver? I am a spender, and I'm always going to use Winston as my other example, because we're the opposite. I don't know if he's the saver, but knowing which one you are. Now, for all you spenders out there, me included, there are some challenges that we have.

Okay? You have to prioritize saving. Because there's a deal. If you're an extreme spender, you're going to be broke your entire life. You have to learn to save. And the same is true with you savers. The extreme side is that you just hoard everything, live life with a closed fist, and you miss out on a lot of fun things.

So you have to learn to spend money, not just on necessities, but learn to spend on some fun. The next spectrum is nerd versus free spirits. If you feel like you just can't enjoy a dinner out at a restaurant until you know, until you know that there is money in the budget that is accounted for, for that dinner, you might be a nerd. Yes, nerds, yep. Your tax return is well prepared before April 15th. You love spreadsheets.

You love Excel. The budget. Oh, you love it because you just feel in control of your money. You're on top of all the details and all the decisions. Yep, you are a nerd. All right, you know you're a free spirit. If you jump at the chance on going on a girl's trip, even if you're not sure you have the money or not, you'll figure it out.

It'll be great, it'll be great. Tax day is win again. Let's just enjoy life. Let's just enjoy life. If that's you, mm-hmm, free spirit. Yep, you heard the word budget earlier and you're like breaking out in hives. Yeah, that's a free spirit. Again, on the spectrum, which when are you?

I'm a free spirit. Winston's a nerd. Okay, challenges for all you nerds. You can live and die by the rules of the budget. And what ends up happening is, on the extreme side, you wear out your friends and your family because of it. Okay, so let's just take a deep breath. Everything's going to be okay, nerds.

Now, free spirits, mm-hmm, yeah. We really have to be intentional with our money because if we're not, we're going to look up in just like a few years and think, where's all my money? I have no money because you were not intentional with it. So you do have to be detailed. You do need to do a budget. You don't have to go all the way nerd status, but you do have to be in control of your money. All right, third tendency is experiences versus things. Now, this is the part

of your money personality where you're going to realize what do you value in life. When you spend money, would you rather spend that on experiences or things? So if your experiences, then you probably love traveling. You love going out to concerts, a day at the spa, and this is me. I love a good experience. I will take my kids to the zoo, get a zoo membership all the way. that includes like the carousel and includes like the cool swing they have, the Nashville Zoo, like all of it. Do it all because I love experiences. Go out to a good movie. Yes, and amen. I mean, all day long, just give me a good time. The other side of the spectrum is things. Would you rather spend money on a physical thing? Maybe like technology, a gadget, clothes, shoes.

This is Winston. Yep, things. He's like, if I'm going to spend money, I'm going to spend money on something that I can use over. and over and over and over again, and it's going to better my life. We laugh all the time because we just compare our Christmas lists, and they're always opposite. I'm always like, a small gift card, please. And he's like, Alexa light bulbs so I can walk into the living room and say, Alexa, turn living room on. I hope Alexa just turned on all of your homes of all of you listening to this.

But yeah, he's like, give me a gadget. Now, the challenges with experiences versus things is not really, again, the extremes, but it's realizing, okay, I have to value the other person. So, especially if you're married, to say, okay, if we are opposites, I have to value that. And I wish Winston and I had this because I swear, the first, like, year of our marriage, he would always just drink water at restaurants. I was always like, get a drink. He's like, no, I don't want to spend $8, $10 on that.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine, Rachel, I'm fine. I'm like, have fun with me. Get a drink. And he's like, I'm good. And it would frustrate me. But now I realize, no, it's like he just doesn't value going out to dinner as much like I do. I mean, I would live or die by a good restaurant dinner.

I love it. Where he'll buy something and he's like, no, Rachel, like, no, let's spend money here. And I'm like, no, let's spend it here. But now I realize, okay, I value experiences. He values things. So it helps so much with not just our gift giving because it helps with that, but also our communication. All right.

The next tendency is quality versus quantity. So quality people, you will gladly spend an extra $3 on cage-free organic eggs. at the grocery store because you are quality. You research and probably plan your purchases beforehand. You really want things that are going to last a long time. Quality spenders don't tend to be impulse shoppers. Again, they usually take their time. They know what they're buying because they're spending more money on the quality of the item than the quantity of it. So on the other side is quantity. So all you quantity people, you would rather have five pairs of $20 target shoes than one nice name brand. That's me.

I'm like, give me 18 different earrings. I don't need a nice pair of diamond earrings. Just a bunch of earrings. I'm good, I'm good. Because I like the variety that it offers. When I see all these options, I'm like, yes, I love it. Again, I like having 10 different options versus going back to the same thing over and over again. So, again, the extremes are not good because the extreme, the challenges for the quality people,

is sometimes, well, you spend a little more than you need to just because it's really nice quality. even if there's a less expensive option. So you really need to make sure, okay, quality is good, for sure, but don't be so snobby that you can't buy something cheaper, okay? Challenges for quantity, people like me. Now, our struggle is going to be that we can justify purchases because usually they're small and insignificant. It's like, oh yeah, it's just $10 on Amazon.

It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. Look, look, look. And then we can start to just hoard and have all this stuff. That was me. I looked up, I'm like, I have so much crap everywhere. Why? because I love to spend, and I'll just spend money, you guys?

So I went through the minimalist challenge a few years ago, and it was so great. Okay, I had them on my show. The minimalists, they're amazing. I'll actually put a link in the show notes of that episode because it is really important. Again, quality of a quantity, there's not a right or wrong, but if you do lean on the quantity side, and I can say it because this is me, again, we can tend to just have so much stuff and clutter, and so just getting it all out and realizing, okay, I'm not going to purchase to make me feel good, take a deep breath and declutter.

It's really good for you, I promise. All right, the next tendency is safety versus status. So this is really your motivation to why you want to win with money. Is it out of safety or is it out of status? And again, status has a bad connotation to it. I don't mean it to be bad in this. So remember, neither one's right or wrong. But safety people, you know, if you lose your job,

your first inclination is like, hey, cut the cable, cancel my birthday plans, sell some stuff. I need safety, safety, safety, safety. They just value the security that money brings, and they want to know that they can withstand anything. And there's just a level of seeing money in the bank. It just feels good. And that's why they want to want its money. They will budget. They will save. They will get out of debt so that they will feel safe. Now, status people, on the other hand, you might be like, oh, yeah, you lose a job. I'm going to go buy a new outfit because I'm going to look great on all my job interviews.

Status people, they just want to win with money so that they can do things. Okay? So this is me. I will budget all day long. I will save all day long. If I know, yeah, I'm budgeting or I'm saving for a great vacation or to buy a new car or to do something fun. Like, I want to do this stuff in order to do other things. Does that make sense? So like, again, status is not bad, but it's saying, yeah, I would rather do make sacrifices with money so that I can go do other fun things. Now, there are some challenges for the safety side of the spectrum.

So if you lean safety, you have to be careful to realize that money is not going to be. to bring ultimate safety. Okay? It's not. Like, scriptures are very clear about this. You just don't want to build bigger barns constantly. They talk about that in Luke. And like, it's so true when Jesus says that. Because it's like, yeah, you're not winning with money just to store, store, store, store, store, store, store. So you have to have faith in God's goodness and who he is. Money cannot be your ultimate safety net. Now, status people, we have some challenges too, because we can tend to be like, oh, yeah, I like to have all the nice stuff. I like to do all the great things,

and we can get caught up in appearances and in the bad side of that status. So I always ask myself the question before I purchase something, if no one saw this, do I still want it? I ask myself that a lot. And sadly, it's usually 50-50. I'm like, those are such cute pair of shoes.

Oh my gosh, I love them. But if no one saw them, would I still want them? Half the time, it's still yes. Rachel loves a good pair of shoes. But sometimes, like, no, I mean, if no one's all, I don't think I'd wear them, then I don't buy it. It's actually, I've learned to save a lot of money. So again, safety versus status. All right, the next tendency is scarcity versus abundance.

So, you know you lean scarcity on that side if you're super concerned about how the bill is going to be split if you're out to dinner with friends. It's like, okay, who got what? What? You ate a fourth of the appetizer. Okay, you just take a fourth. That's good. It's good. You kind of operate under this assumption. that resources are finite and you really tend to hold onto possessions pretty tightly because

you just might need it someday. And the fear of losing things because you might not replace them is real. Like, people feel that. You lean scarcity. The abundance side for people is if you're like, oh no, I'll just pick up the bill for dinner. No big deal, guys. It's all going to be okay. You just get me next time. Okay? It'll be fine. It'll be fine. You just always believe that there's going to be more than enough. You'll take risks. You don't really make decisions out of fear very often. abundance people tend to be natural givers because they think, well, there's just more money to get. Now, some challenges for the scarcity side of the spectrum is that sometimes you'll miss out on some really great financial opportunities because you just can't move forward because you get paralyzed by fear

and you're like, but if this money leaves, what's going to happen? Again, going back to that safety side that God is always going to provide. Okay. So remember that. Now, challenges on the abundance side of the spectrum is you see that the glasses have full. all the time. Even sometimes when it's not. And sometimes you need to be a little cautious. You can make some really unwise decisions by just thinking, oh, it'll all work out.

It'll be fine. So the extreme side of the abundance, we don't want. All right. The last tendency is when it comes to our giving. Are you spontaneous or are you planned? You are a spontaneous giver as if every time a doorbell rings and you go to the front door and someone's there asking for money, you're like, yes, take it, take it, take it. take it, absolutely. You're really quick to give. I mean, if you pass someone on the sidewalk asking

for money, you're more likely to kind of jump in and help them out. You just love the freedom to respond with your heart when things happen. You just give more on the spontaneous side of the spectrum. Then on the other side are the planned givers. Now, you are a planned giver. If you know line by line, your church's budgets, if you give to your church, you know your charities that you're giving to you know exactly what they're spending money on. You are very planned. You are a very intentional because you take it very seriously. Planned givers don't usually give to every great cause they hear about because they've already decided and are committed to the ones that they've already researched. Now, there are some challenges again for both sides, even though giving is great,

but spontaneous givers, you have to realize that every time you just drop $5 in a bucket, every place you see, you may can make a bigger impact if you said, you know what, instead of just spreading my money out, maybe I pick three or four places to give and you can have a much bigger impact, okay? So the emotional side of that giving is not wrong, but if you channel it, you can be a little bit more strategic. Now, planned givers, sometimes you just don't leave room for the spirit, okay? The spirit calls, give, give. You can actually find a lot of joy and sometimes the spontaneous side of life if something is presented to you, and you just give. So Winston and I, it's funny, I lean spontaneous, he leans more planned, and so now in our giving budget, we literally

have the places we give, and then we have like a little bit of a line item for spontaneous giving. So that is, it does come up. We can give to that. Okay, that's good. So it kind of is like the best of those worlds, which I love. Now again, these spectrums, neither one is right or wrong. Extremes could be unhealthy, but pointing it out and seeing, okay, this is who I am. This is why I spend or save or give the way I give, save or spend. It's so important, y'all. It is. It's so important to dive into the heart of who you are and for those around you. Hey guys, Rachel Cruz here. I'm obsessed. Seriously, when I found out about Tufton Needle from Dave, I tried it out, and I'm not kidding, this is the best mattress I've slept on. In fact, I ordered a second one for my guest room. You can get this mattress starting as low as $3.99. I've been talking about this for a while now. So try it out. You can keep it up to 100 nights risk free. Now, if I'm wrong, you can send it back. But go to tn.com to get started. That's right, tn.com. And remember, it's shipped. free. Dr. Henry Cloud, one of my favorite people on the planet. Henry, thanks for being here.

Hey, Rachel. It's always good to be with you. I don't know. Sometimes, every time I talk to you, like, my money grows, it gets smarter. I don't know what it is. We're just good friends, and I've just made you a rich man. Is that what you're saying? It gets smarter. It just gets smarter. I don't know how that works. Well, Henry has helped me so much in my career, and especially with my new book, yourself know your money because I was able to interview him for that. He helped me with an event that we did. And I love partnering with Henry because all the wisdom you bring when it comes to understanding people, how they function, how they're wired. I mean, you've done counseling for years, psychology, all of it. And really breaking down how people function is a really important part

of them winning with money. Because I always say personal finance is 80% behavior. It's only 20% head knowledge. So, Henry, when it comes to the behavior change, like, it's so important when you're not winning with your money to change what you're doing to get a different outcome. So talk about the importance of behavior change when it comes to money specifically. Well, let me make an analogy. Okay. You know, we need, we need knowledge, right? We need awareness and understanding all that. But I'm a competitive golfer, have been since my whole life. I can watch a lot of videos on how to play right and I need to know that I need to know that you turn your shoulders this way and not that way and I need to understand the principles but at some point I got to go out there on the range and I got to have a teacher and I got to start putting it into practice and I've got to change some behaviors if I'm ever going to win well you know sort of like there's a verse of the Bible says faith without works is dead and so we can have all of these beliefs and all this understanding

but until we get to actual behavior change, it's all a fantasy. Now, here's the big problem, Rachel. People equate knowledge with behavior change. So they'll go read a diet book, for example, and they think they're going to just put that diet book into practice, but they don't have the ingredients in the path that are going to cause the behavior change to happen. And that's why 99% of, you know, or 90% of all,

New Year's resolutions just go by the wayside. Yeah. It's important. Okay. So when people want to change, like what are a couple of things that you've seen throughout the years that really help people do that, make lasting permanent change? Well, let me give you the simple formula. Okay.

Because ultimately, when you're talking about behavior change, there's got to be wiring that drives that. Okay. We're created with brains. Now, yours is bigger than most of ours, but everybody's got one, all right? And the way these brains work is you have circuitry. It's just like your computer. You've got coding and wiring and hard wiring, neurological circuitry that makes behaviors,

you know, it drives them. All right. So that wiring is there. Your old behavior patterns, that's why habits are so hard to break because you're wired to do this. Now, here's the thing. What you've got to do to change behavior is you can't change the wiring that's already. existing there. What you've got to do is you've got to create new wiring.

You know, the popular term is create new habits, right? Create new patterns. So you have to ask the question, how is that wiring created? All right? We give you just four simple wiring ingredients. Number one, back to what we said a moment ago, read Rachel's books and listen to her podcast. because the first thing to create new wiring for behavior change is there's got to be an awareness, a knowledge of what are we talking about?

When you talk about somebody doing something new in their finances to change their behavior, what's the principle? Is it about saving? Is it about not spending? Is it about depending on how much I'm going to spend and why? What do I need to learn? Very, very important. we have events and seminars and classes and videos and and you know smart conferences and all of that very important but that's only one we don't go away from that with new wiring it tells us the path that the new wiring's got a formal but the second ingredient's got to be there all right now this is huge it's called focused attention that's what the neuroscientists call it which means now i read now i read the book

on how to swing a golf club, I've got to go on to the driving range and somebody has got to focus my attention in real time when I'm actually doing it on the thing that I've become aware of. So if I start to turn my shoulders this way, my teacher says, hold on, remember we learned

that you've got to turn them the other way? Well, right now you're doing this. Okay, so focus attention. Somebody's doing, they're starting to work, work with their money. Now we've gone from the seminar to I'm going to start swiping credit cards or writing checks for something and somebody's got to bring it to my awareness on Wednesday. Hey, wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Remember you said you're not going to be spending it on trying to keep up with the Joneses? Now that, you know, and they focused my attention on

right when it's happening, right? Or right when the opportunity is happening, doesn't have to be the bad side, it could be the good side. Focus on the opportunity. Hey, right now you just got your paycheck. Remember what we talked about the new habit is you're going to take the first part of that, and you're going to give it to God, and you're going to take the next part, and you're going to invest it in you in some way. You're going to pay down debt or, you know, savings or whatever it is. Remember we talked about it? Okay, okay, this is a time. Let's focus right now. And you got a reminder. Somebody's telling me, all right, that's number two, focused attention. Now what do I need to do? The third one is deliberate.

That means conscious, deliberate practice. So now I've actually got to not buy the stuff that's motivated by my Instagram photos. And now I've got to make the deposit into my debt account or retirement account or savings account or whatever it is. And I've got to do this practice. And then the fourth thing is I kind of have relational support all the way through. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's so important to know, though, it's a process. Like, all of this is like, yes, if you're changing your behavior, that's why it's hard.

And sometimes you feel tension when you're changing because it's so easy to just stay in that habit, stay in that circuit of what you've always known, even though it's not working, it's comfortable there. So in order to change, there's going to be friction, you guys. There's going to be that rub because it's hard. But it is so worth it. Those four things are so key. And, you know, what you're talking about there is sort of, you know, it's easy to stay. in the old because that's how we're wired.

You continue to do something that gets stronger, stronger and stronger. But you just brought up something in that, okay, now I'm going to change the behavior, right? And you said, you're going to run into resistance. Two sources of resistance. One is internal resistance. The other one is this, Rachel, external obstacles.

So now, what if my friends, my family or somebody's putting me pressure, this peer pressure, or even to give them money or bail them out. Now I've got external pressure to keep me from doing the right thing. And that's why being in a community and having accountability and having support and having models and having other people that are doing this are so important to the process. That's huge.

And I love that you pinpoint so much on community because I don't feel like, or I know, we're not created to do life alone. And so having that support around you, it takes a level of vulnerability to say, hey, man, I've not done this well, and I really want to change my habits. I want to do something different to admit that and to do it.

But when you have those people cheering you on along the way, just like you said, oh, it makes the process so much easier. It really does. Oh, my gosh. I mean, who, you know, I don't, I don't get it while we don't get it. I mean, I kind of get it, but I don't get it. Yeah. Why don't we do?

what the highest achievers and the highest performers do. See, we don't do that. We do it like, let's go find some idiot whose life is not working. I'm going to follow what he or she does, right? What do they do? Well, they think they know everything, or they kind of isolate and just depend on themselves. The highest performers, none of them try to do this by themselves.

And why is it that the highest performers, highest achievers always talk about, and even in the individual sports, how did you win? Well, I've got such a strong team. Yep, you're exactly right. Exactly right. Well, part of changing that behavior is knowing what to change and why you got into that behavior in the first place. So I want to go backwards a little bit in our life and talk about being aware of how our

households really did affect us. I know people talk about nature versus nurture, but that nurture side is really big. And in the new book, I talk about those four money classrooms. and how that shapes how you view money today. But talks to the person about money, but every area of life and how it is important to realize, wow, the way I was brought up

really does have a big impact on me. Oh, my gosh. And not that it doesn't excuse, and not that doesn't excuse either. I won't say that. We can't just say laws raised like that. Let's use the word explain instead of excuse. There you go. Perfect.

Okay. Because it does explain. I mean, how did I get to be this way? Well, part of it is, I'm wired a certain way. We have different temperaments and some people are, you know, ready, aim, fire, and some are ready, ready, ready, ready, ready, ready,

and they never can't pull the trigger. And some are fire, ready, aim. They're really impulsive. And you can see that sort of from when they come out of the wound. But our temperament comes into the world, starts to live life, and it lives life in this body of relationships, you know, it starts in the family. And what happens in that body of relationships

are a number of things that every study ever been done by any researcher everywhere is going to tell you it is both. You got some temperament stuff, but the nurture piece of this, the environment is very, very, very important, very important because what happens?

There's eight million things, but let me give you one. What if a kid comes into the world and they really aren't connected with. You know, if they're emotional needs, we have kids that grow up in emotionally starvation families, right? They're very alone for a number of reasons.

Well, guess what? If I don't have love to fill my tummy, I'm going to go buy love, right? That's one way. And I think one more possession or one more this or one more that, that's going to fill up this emptiness inside. Or what about the modeling piece? You know, we learn behavior. One of the biggest ways we learn behavior is we see it and we monitor.

That's how all kids learn. We know that's how you learn language. It's how you learn to eat. It's how you learn everything. You watch and you learn. And then you try and then you do. Well, a lot of times we learn certain patterns of behavior and we do it like they did it. Or watch this.

the way they did it was so distasteful or hurtful to me, I'm going to mold myself in relation to the way they did it in a defensive compensating way. So for example, you know, you've got a rageaholic for a parent. I'm so turned off by anger. I'm never going to have any anger and never express it and be a nice person. and well, that's great, but if you're too nice and you can't stand up and say no,

then we've got a different problem. And so the nurture part of this is huge. What if you grow up in a family that status is important and they're always comparing, well, the Joneses, you know, or you better get this prom dress or you even see mom or dad, you know, caring too much about externals, then that modeling you learn where does your value come from? it comes from a label, right?

Or it comes from the brand. Or what if you're going on with family, doesn't teach you to say no, doesn't have any boundaries? So then you got so-and-so needs to be bailed out one more time and you learn, I just keep bailing out and rewarding irresponsible behaviors. It's a number of these.

You know, we don't get good feelings about ourselves from good stuff, which is always relational in part. And we're walking around, we'll try to give ourselves good feelings by having a bigger house. So it's huge. Yes. Well, I'm glad that we pointed this out

because I think, again, the reasons we do things the way we cope, the way we cope, I mean, so much of it does have to go back to how you were raised. And so the more work you can do on yourself and kind of dig some of that out, figure it out, and heal from that.

And honestly, be redeemed from that stuff, the healthy you're going to be in every area of your life, but including your money. Rachel, I give an example from my own life. Yeah. So my dad, I come from a, strange numerical family. So my parents,

I was an absolute oops in later life and how my mom got pregnant at her age. You know, it's like, I don't know, we're talking to Abraham and Sarah here. So I was, they were way done. I've got a sister, you know, my oldest sister, I was, she got married when I was born.

I mean, there's such a big gap. Okay, I came late in life. Which meant I had really older parents, which meant my father, was, get this, my grandfather was alive in the Civil War. Think about those numbers. Yeah, for sure, for sure. He was older.

My dad's born, older, I was born. Okay, so point being, he lived through the Depression. So my dad had a successful business. He had a family business. We were fine. We were whatever. But you could see that depression mindset always. And he always was, he always was, he always was,

playing defense. He was generous, he did it, but you could always see that kind of depression mindset. And I had to, you know, when I could start to, you know, to do a lot of different things and afford different things and whatever past, just keeping the lights on, and that's always relative. I'm talking to even in my 20s, I had to get over like the anxiety of, well, is it okay to go to the movies? I mean, can I really afford this? Because we learn these patterns on both ends. don't spend any or spend too much. It's really important. That's right.

Yes, so huge. Dr. Henry Cloud, always the wisdom that I love about behavior change, but understanding that behavior, how it's attached to how you grew up is an important part. So thank you so much. And I want everyone to know because I love it so much. Boundaries.comme. It's one of the best resources out there.

So many videos, so much content, you guys, on everything you need in life, for real. it helps so much with your relationship. So make sure to check that out. And Henry, thanks for being on again. I know I always, I feel like I always like steal your ideas. I'm always like, let's have Henry on. I want to talk to him about this.

So thanks for just enlightening us and engaging on the subject. Rachel, you do such a good job. I always tell you that. There's so many people that are just, you know, better off because you're there. So anything I can do to help, I'm going to fan this flame here. And you listen to this girl. That's what I tell people. Well, you're wonderful.

Thank you, Henry. And where can everyone else find you besides Boundaries.me? I would just go to Boundaries.m. It's probably the best place to find me in the stuff that I'm up to. Or you can go to Dr.Cloud.com. It's all there as well. Awesome. Thanks again, Henry. I appreciate it so much.

Okay. Good to see you. Being a parent is hard today, especially when screens are everywhere. And you want to feel good about what your kids are watching without worry. That's why my family loves Minow. It's a new streaming service created just for kids. With over 2,000 hand-picked episodes that's rooted in a Christian perspective, Minow helps your child learn about Jesus, the Bible, and all the amazing things that God has created.

So feel more comfortable about your media choices that you're making and start watching Minow today. Download the Minow app or visit gomino.com. That's G-O-M-I-N-O-com to get your free trial. All right, some of my favorite parts of this show is going to be. getting to answer your questions. So my team went through all the social channels to pull out some great questions that you guys have. So we're going to start with Danielle and she emailed this in last week and she said, last week my husband tragically committed suicide. My kids 12 and 10 and I'm 39 and our family and friends are in complete shock as this was so unlike his personality.

With that said, I'm absolutely terrified for our future, especially financially. My husband had life insurance equivalent to six years and a pension, but we also have $25,000 in credit card debt. Plus, I'll have to start paying back my $30,000 in student loans next spring or summer when I graduate for my master's in special education. We still owe most of our house. That's $345,000, and it needs a new roof. To complicate matters, we have a vacation home in another state that we bought a little over a year ago and never even got to enjoy and are evicting the tenants and are selling it. Please help. Oh man, Danielle, it's a lot. That's a lot. And so to start off, I would say first and foremost, that you have to take time to grieve. When anything like this happens in life, an unexpected death,

a tragedy, there's something there, don't make any big financial decisions in the first year. So pause. Pause, pause, pause. Just sit. nothing, nothing terrible is going to happen in a year financially. You need to breathe and you need to grieve. And you need to make sure you have a good counselor, a pastor, friends, and family around you. Because first and foremost, taking care of yourself and this and these two babies that you have, that is most important. So the finances, that's second.

Right now you need to just breathe. And sometimes when you're in this foggy state of grief, you can make really bad financial decisions. And so I would say people are going to become out of the woodworks. trying to help you and all that, which is wonderful, just take a minute, just breathe. Again, give it 12 months, give it half a year if you need to, but that time not to do anything major. And then the first step I would do is you guys, you guys have some debt coming in and your home. So I would not sell that vacation home right now. Again, I think you can make a really bad decision in that process because you're in such shock right now. So sell the home. I think that's a great

plan. I wouldn't do it right now. I would give yourself six to 12 months. Sell that home. And then use some of that money to start paying off that credit card debt. And then what you're going to have to realize is that the rest of that money that is left can either go continue down the baby steps or you need to see if you can stretch that money as far as possible. So then I would get with one of our smart vester pros in your area and sit down and show them what all you have and say, okay, here's the amount of money I have. What should I do with it? And they're going to be able to walk you through smartly where to invest it so that it can stretch out as long as possible. But working on the baby steps is what's going to be key. So making sure you have that $1,000 emergency fund, and then you can

start using some of that money to start paying off that debt, the credit card debt and the student loans. And then don't worry about the mortgage now, build up an emergency fund, make sure that there's enough money there for that emergency fund, and then start looking at retirement and just go right down the steps. That's why the baby steps is so helpful because it's so clear. It's such a guided path that shows you exactly what to do. But having someone like a smart vester pro, someone that is in this world financially with the investment specifically in your corner is going to be extremely helpful. And you can even check out one of our Ramsey preferred coaches as well and they can walk with you. But find people in your corner in this space. So don't, you know, who knows what your

sister-in-law's opinion is on your money or whoever, make sure it's someone that you trust and that you understand where your money's going and what is going to. And again, making big decisions in the first year, it's going to be really hard because that grief is so overwhelming. So get a clear mind and just walk through the baby steps. And again, that's the plan that is going to take you to freedom. And so, again, Daniel, I can't even imagine. And I'm so sorry. But again, taking care of yourself right now, I think is what is most important.

You know, when we talk about life and money on this podcast, it's real because it's not if life happens. It's when life happens. And you never know. And so being able to prepare yourself. emotionally and financially for those things. Again, get you through hard seasons with just a little bit more peace, even though it's so, so difficult. Well, I hope this episode gave you some direction, gave you some hope into this new year. And thanks for listening. I really appreciate it.

If you haven't hit that subscribe button, make sure you do that. And if the spirit leads, you can leave a review. And lastly, I just want to say, because I'm really, really excited about this, my book is coming out January 5th. Know yourself, Know Your Money. So, make sure to check that out if you haven't. All right, as always, make sure to take control of your money and create a life you love. So if you guys enjoyed this podcast, we have more from the Ramsey Network, like the Christy Wright Show.

Hey, y'all, I'm Christy Wright. You know, it's so easy to feel stuck. You live life, just going through the motions, doing dishes, doing laundry, carpool lines, and a whole list of commitments that bring you no joy. We say yes to what everyone expects of us, and we have no energy or time for what. what we want. And let's be honest, most of the time, we don't even know what we want. Why do we live

like that? God certainly never called us to. You know, I believe that the life God has for us is bigger and more amazing than any of us realize. That's why I want you to check out the Christy Wright Show. Every week, we will fire you up to break through what's holding you back and inspire you to create a life you love and are proud of. Each episode will help you build confidence in yourself and the God that created you. To hear full episodes, just search Christy Wright wherever you listen to podcasts or go to Christyright.com.