The Rachel Cruze Show - How to Protect Your Marriage From Money Problems

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

In this episode of The Rachel Cruze Show, you’ll learn: The key to winning every argument with your spouse How money problems affect your mental health with Ramsey Personality John Delony If there is ever a good time to stop paying extra on your mortgage Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your words are powerful. Okay? They can cause a lot of damage if you're not careful, but they can also be encouraging and uplifting. It can shift everything by just what you say. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Rachel Crewe Show podcast.

I'm so glad that you're here. All right, this week's episode, we're going in deep. You're going to hear a conversation that I had with Dr. John Deloney about how money problems affect your mental health. We're going to walk through different scenarios and how to make money feel less like a burden.

I'll also be chatting with Krista, who's on baby sex four, five, and six, and is wondering if it's necessary to keep making payments on her house if she doesn't plan on being in it forever. But first, let's talk about how to navigate money conversations with your spouse. Talking about money is so hard,

but it is so necessary. And you'll hear why throughout this entire episode. So let's dive in. Back in 2017, Ramsey Solutions, we put out a big survey and a study, and we found that money is the number one issue married couples fight about.

It's a big deal. I mean, many couples let money problems drive a wedge in their relationship. They avoid talking about the budget because it blows up. One spouse just wants to spend everything. The other one wants to save it all. It can be really frustrating. And maybe one of you is really on top of it. You see the value of paying off debt

or keeping the not-so-fund stuff like wills and other things. you know, you just put that off. I mean, it just, it can be a mess. So, by the way, too, you need a will. If you followed me for any length of time, you know I talk about how important this is. I know it's not necessarily the most fun conversation to have, but it's one that will give you a sense of peace once it's done. Okay, budgeting, getting out of debt, saving, doing your will, all of these can be really difficult if your spouse is not on board with you. So one of the questions I get all the time is how do I convince my spouse to do this with me. So there are really three ways to win your spouse over when it comes

to money. You ready? Number one, your words. Watch what you say. Your words are powerful. Okay, they can cause a lot of damage if you're not careful, but they can also be encouraging and uplifting. It can shift everything by just what you say. The tongue is powerful. Scripture talks about this, but again, it can break things and it can build things up. So you get to choose. If you talk to your spouse, like, you never listen to me. I'm always the one paying my bills and you're using all these absolutes. That's probably going to fuel the fire. Okay, so just simmer down and share your heart, talk to them and be encouraging and ask your spouse their opinion and listen. This is going to be really hard. Listen. Not listening to hear and formulate what you're going to say back.

Arguments? No, just listen and hear what they have to say. Remember, you have two ears, one mouth. It's an amazing thing. So I actually use less words in the conversation. Number two, your tone. It can be very easy to be condescending to your spouse. So you have to watch that because all of your inflection, everything speaks so highly on what you're trying to say. So make sure your tone is respectful and polite and pay attention to your body language. You have like your arms crossed and your brow furrowed, and you're just rolling your eyes every time they're talking. Yeah, you're probably not going to get very far, are you?

So your body language and even listen to your body. I mean, if you feel your adrenaline go up for me, if I, like, feel like conflict's coming, I get louder and I start talking faster. It's time to learn, Rachel, calm down, calm down, because my tone is so important. So be open when you're talking about them. Don't shoot down every single thing that they're saying.

Again, your tone is reflecting your spirits. So watch that. And number three, your timing. These conversations, they need to happen. You need to address this. If you and your spouse are not on the same page when it comes to money, conversations are going to have to happen.

But don't do it in the middle of dinner if you have three little kids. Or don't do it as you're doing bath time with the little ones. Or if you had a bad day at work, don't just try to engage. Really watch your timing. Because these conversations,

they can start some tension so make sure you're just in a good space. Again, if you have kids, that they're asleep, they're away, it's a calm environment, and you can keep it pretty short. I mean, it's amazing. The timing of these conversations don't have to be drug out forever. You can have a really great conversation in 15, 20, 25 minutes. But engaging that conversation I know can be hard,

so the timing is really important. And I want to make sure that this conversation is a priority. So if you're both planners, just go ahead and put it on the calendar and say, hey, tomorrow night, after dinner, let's talk about money. I know it sounds really tactical and kind of like robotic. Sometimes that's what you have to do. And scheduling ahead of time prepares you both for what's coming. You're not spring it on your spouse spontaneously and it's just like, hey, this is what we're doing. You really are saying, okay, we're going to be diligent and talk about this and be prepared. So remember, your words, your tone, and timing are very important. And if you want to

make even more progress in your relationship and truly understand your spouse and where they're coming from and why they handle money the way they do, I created an assessment for you guys. It's called Know Your Money Assessment, and it's going to lead to a deeper understanding of your spouse and make these conversations about money easier. It's an in-depth survey that you both can take about your experience and your core beliefs around money. So you're each going to get over 20 pages of personalized insight, plus your results are going to be paired up into one big report. So you can see where each other lands. Oh, it's beautiful. I'm so excited about this. So you can go to Rachelcruz.com to learn more about the know-yourself money assessment.

I promise this is going to help you so much more to understand your spouse and take a huge step forward to strengthening your relationship and improving it when it comes to money, because money can easily drive a wedge between you guys. And I want you to work as a team. Hey guys, today I'm Dr. John Deloney on with me, Rams Personality, and Mental Health Expert. John, thanks for being here. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate it. I love talking about this stuff with you because money is not just tactical, right, that we just use, but it's also emotional. It affects our mental health. There's so much there. And I feel like

more than ever today, people are maxed out. They're maxed out with their lives, with their time, with their schedules, but also with their money. I mean, they are living paycheck to paycheck. their budget is like literally to the penny because they have nothing, they have no margin. And it's a lot. And that really does affect your mental health. Yeah, you're dealing with the same stuff I'm dealing with. Every person I talk to, every caller is stress, stress, fried, just electrified, right? Yes. And so I think it's important for everybody to realize your body has one stress response for all stressors.

And it's to take everything and go, I've got to solve this problem right now. And we're going to run from it. We're going to fight it or we're going to shut it down. And that's it, right? And it's happening with our money, with our relationships, with everything. Okay, and we were talking about this earlier today. But I just find it fascinating, though, that stress, anxiety, all of these things come into play and your body response.

I know that sounds so silly. But, like, I don't think I even realize it. But when you start to dive in, I'm like, your body is so, like, your soul, your emotions, your body, your mind. Like, all of these things work together so much more connected than I think I even realized. Only in the past four or five hundred years have we been obsessed with our thinking part. Let's think about the problem. Our body is off to the races, often before we even realize it.

Yes. Right? So some guy will come in and remind you of a mean boyfriend you used to have. Your heart is off to the races before your head has even drawn that connection, right? So yeah, our bodies are so intuitive. They're so brilliant. They're so wonderfully designed to take care of us. Yeah, it's so important.

So what are things, what are signs that people can see in themselves that, okay, wow, this money part of my life, it's affecting my mental health, or maybe even my spouse. So I like to distill mental health down into three places. Number one, where am I safe? Where am I reasonably in control of now or tomorrow? And the third is where am I connected with people, right? And so when you find yourself stressing and saying, how can I get control of our situation, click, click, click, I'm going to buy stuff, right? I need another freezer. I need more bullets and coffee or whatever it is. Where am I out of control, right? So I'm going to rest. my budget, I'm going to become one of those people that's like no pennies, no spending,

no nothing, no joy in my house, right? Or connection, right? When am I trying to just throw money at my friends so we can all get together, right? And I'm going to bear the financial burden of that because I'm so desperate for a connection. That's so good. Those are good three signposts to honestly look at because, again, it can be such a complicated subject when you start to dive in and peel back these layers. Because you mentioned it earlier, but emotional spending, it's a big one.

I mean, it's something that I think we are all guilty of. and diving into this even deeper, I'm like, man, because I'm a natural spender, and I, I mean, I am so guilty of it. I mean, I catch myself, and I'm like, man, Rachel, like, you teach this. Like, who's the show we talk about? I do, too, I do too. And here I am doing it, but there, talk to me kind of about that side,

because I know the financial side and the damage it can do to your bank account, but also it's fulfilling a need. There's a coping mechanism. There's something that's happening with this emotional spending. So why do you think it is. It's neurological, man. You just get that dopamine hit that says, I'm in control of that, and I can get something, right?

And historically speaking, you only had profound needs when you needed your tribe, your community, or you needed food, right? And so now we can just go, there's a limitless supply of things we can just grab, and it makes us feel good. And then, you know, and I know I'm not well when I start telling myself these stories, right?

You and I've talked about your delivery box for clothes that she gets all the time. A subscription. Your subscription box, that's right. But how you get that shirt, you're like, I'm just going to go ahead and buy this one. And immediately the story spin up, right? Like, oh, Winston's going to judge me or I don't need another shirt.

Yes, I do. I work hard for this. I should have it. And you just launch, right? That's one of those signs like, I'm probably not okay. Right? I need to check in with somebody that I trust. I'm going to go check in with this budget.

Right. It's when my story spin up. That's when I know. I start justifying things to people who aren't even asking me questions. Yes. Okay. So a friend who was in, had an amazing counselor. she was like when someone or an event is like a on a scale from one to ten,

like a five-ish, a six, but you respond at like a nine, that gap to launch you to nine or ten says more about you. Oh, all the time. Than about that person or about the situation. And the same with spending, right? Like if it's like, oh, yeah, this is a five, six on the important scale. Yeah, we could buy that, okay. But you start, and you emotionally all this jump to a nine and you're like,

oh, but I can't blah, blah, blah, it's saying more about you. It's when the actual purchase, right? I have to have it. Yeah. And I can't believe you wouldn't even let me have it. They haven't said no. I've already, I've had this in a conversation. And I worked so hard.

When you start justifying stuff, there's no reason to justify. It's in your budget. That's when I know I'm probably buying something for the wrong reasons. Yes. Oh, it's so good. Okay, so we just dove into emotional spending. And so the other side of the spectrum is this compulsive saving. Those are the true psychopaths, Rachel.

They're crazy. We like to spend. Nuts. No, but really, people applaud savers in the financial world. Like, oh, you're a savior. You're so responsible. All this stuff. which it is responsible.

It's so responsible to save, I know. But they get rewarded, but that can be as unhealthy, that hoarding mentality as just emotional spending. Yeah, it just goes back to that control mechanism, and then suddenly you create an identity of control, right? Look at all the things I don't have. Oh, you need that fancy car? I have this.

It just becomes the same pathology. So if you're obsessed with YOLO, you only live once, spin, spin, spin, that's a broken heart over here, right? if you're obsessed and created an identity out of nothing is going to get through my budget, never, never, congratulations, you're going to die with a full checking account, right? And no lived experiences and no joy in your life, right? So it's a broken heart over here too.

It's the same pathology just expressed in different ways. So good. Okay, so let's get a little bit tactical. Let's think about different situations. So let's take someone who has moved, because no one in America has moved in the last year, and you move and you realize, okay, maybe for a job or for lifestyle reasons,

and then you think, okay, I'm here, but I don't have any connection. But again, what feels good, what we're just saying is just a buy. And so they find themselves emotionally spending. What would you say? That was me when I moved from Texas to Nashville. And again, going back to those three things,

where am I safe, where do I have reasonable control, and where do I have relationships, right? So I'm kind of safe in my new city. I mean, I hope so, right? I have control over my Amazon account, and I've got no connection, right? And so that's a driver that I'm going to start clicking and clicking. I had to put myself in uncomfortable situations to make new friends.

And, man, there is no playbook for this. It's all risk. It's all uncomfortable and weird. It's like being in middle school again. And a new middle school, you have to do it. You've got to go find people to be in community with. Okay, well, let's just sit on that piece for a second. Because, again, we've talked about being known, having people aren't you?

It's such a vital part of life, you guys. To live a rich, deep life is to be known. It's so huge. So for that person that's in that new spot, I'm like, it is. It is so awkward. It's uncomfortable. I think it's harder as adults. Would you say it's harder as adults to form?

So much harder. I see my little kids. I invite people over and their kids come over. Our kids. Yes, yes. It takes two seconds of this weird face off. And then you never hear from them again. They're not playing and creating new worlds.

And then people that I know at work, we just go to their house and we just stare at each other, right? Because it's weird. It's like, I don't want to be super vulnerable. Are you? It's going to be weird, right? And so, yeah, you just have to go first. You have to be vulnerable. You have to know people are going to think you're weird.

You have no shared history. You just got to get into it and do it. And there's no way around it. Rachel, it's just awkward and weird. It's so important. And I think a lot of people that you start to reach out to, I mean, statistically, they're probably lonely too. Yes, everybody is.

Somebody's got to go first. Yep, I love that. Okay. Situation too. Okay. I talk about this a lot on the show. Checking accounts and married couples. So joining that account is so crucial.

so crucial in the long-term health of your marriage and your finances, all of it. I think it's just, it's key. It's saying literally, we are a team, we are in this together. Yes. So there's a couple who's been married, and they have not combined their checking out. It's from a mental health expert's opinion. What is that doing? Like, what is that showing you in a marriage?

You are driving down the highway side-by-side in different cars. You're not together, right? And you double your risk of getting on the wrong roads. You double your risk of one of you getting in a car right. you just double your risk of everything. So you've got to be together. And going back to what we were talking about earlier, ask yourself, why don't you feel safe joining your checking account?

You've got to put those fears out on the table, and you've got to mine them for evidence. Are they true? Is this person really untrustworthy? Or is it you? What is it about this fear you guys have of joining your stuff together? Because if you can't do something as simple as join your checking accounts, man, how can you create a family?

How can you grow kids? together and have joint... Shared values. I mean, all of it. Dreams, goals, all of it. Yeah. It's a big deal. It's the lowest thing.

If you don't trust the person you're marrying enough to join a checking account, that's the easiest thing. That's the lowest common denominator. You've got trust issues in your relationship. You guys got to sit down and reimagine what y'all are doing because you're going on two separate roads, two separate destinations. Okay, so what would you say to the couple?

Because this is what I hear a lot. It's like, it's just a piece of meat. You know, I was talking to a couple that were friends. we're talking about it. And she said, yeah, just kind of feels good, though. She's like, I've built this career, like, they got married later in life. And, like, this is my thing. This is what I've worked hard for and for me to be able to see it and doing my own thing. It gives her a sense of value. Right.

And so a level of independence. But that's not really the case. Like, what would you say is that layer? It's a level of control, right? What is that thing I can control? Because if I put it all in this bucket, I have to let control go. That's true. Right. And we have to reimagine what control is together, not just by myself. That's good. This control is very childish. These are my toys.

You can't play with them. It just looks different because you've got more zeros than a bigger checking account. It's the same thing. And what marriage is, a good marriage is us taking all of our toys and put them in the same box and saying, we're in this together. Ride or die, right?

So great. Yep. Okay, so last one. Let's say, you know, pandemic hit. People were furloughed, lost jobs. And someone is 18 months into all of this. And they still can't find a job, specifically in their field, which is really frustrating, right? if you work hard at something, you master a certain skill or a certain part of an industry,

and you can't find a job there. Like, that's so frustrating. It has to feel hopeless. Yeah. So what would you say that person? I would say if you're feeling depressed or exhausted, that's normal. You're not broken. You should be.

It's frustrating, right? And then you've got to have what I call some truth-telling moments with yourself. Is the thing that you love doing still valued by the marketplace? And that can be a hard conversation, right? Is there a moment when the thing you love, I want to be a moment. be a jazz pianist or a writer or a coal miner or I want to raise horses for the roads. And who's this Henry Ford guy bringing his Model T cars, right? Is there a moment when I'm going to have to raise horses as a hobby because I've got to go

to find other work? You have to have that conversation. Is it just your location? Do you have to have a hard conversation about I don't want to leave my church and my friends and my community? But work is over here. I may have to move. And three, do I just got to learn new skills?

Do I have to learn new ways of getting in contact with these employers? Do I have to learn new stuff, right? And at some point, you've got to have those hard truth-telling conversation with yourself. And I think what that does is you kind of, you know, you push through all of the emotional side of that ownership of your life to really say, okay, what's the reality? Like, I can't control. Yes. Yeah, it's important. I can't control.

After 18 months, you can't control who's going to hire you. Yeah. You can't control new skills, new locations, new jobs, new jobs, new. dreams, whatever. You can control those things, right? Love it. John, thanks for being here. Thanks for having me on. So great. Guys, you can check out all of Dr. John Deloney's stuff. He has a podcast, the Dr. John Deloney Show, YouTube.

You're on social media, which you weren't before you came here to Rooms's Solution. No, I'm in the 21st Century. Welcome at John Deloney. Your book, Redefining Anxiety, so much there. Because I love the space you're in. I think it's fascinating. You're so great at it. And honestly, you guys, diving into this part of your lives, it's so, so important.

to make sure check out all of us stuff, John, thank you again. Thank you so much. Thank you guys. My favorite episodes are always when I get one of you on the show to answer your question in our Ask Rachel episode. So today, Krista is on. Krista, welcome to the show. Hi, thanks for having me. Absolutely. Krista, where are you calling from? Hanover, Pennsylvania. In Pennsylvania. Amazing. And where are you in kind of your money journey, just kind of as a background? We are currently on baby steps four, five, and six altogether. We just started four and five about a month ago. Oh, so freshly new to like getting out of that babysaps one through three.

Are you so glad you're on the other side? Yes, it's such a relief, that's for sure. So what caused you to just start this whole process? I'm just curious. We've always watched you and your dad and follow along, but we never fully committed to anything. We had a lot of life-changing events and health issues. Once we kind of got that underway, it was like, all right, you know, now let's just move forward, let's commit.

And we just jumped right in and did it. And you did it. That's awesome. So great. Okay, so you're on the show because you have a question. So what's your question? Yeah. So my question is for Baby Step 6.

If you are on this step, but don't have any intentions on staying at your current home for more than 15. years. Do you still make additional payments on your mortgage to pay it off quicker? That's a great question. Yeah, because if you're going to be out of the home, a shorter term than the length of your mortgage, then you're probably thinking, yes, should I pay extra? And I would say yes, because as you're throwing money at it, that means you're paying it down and you're just getting more and more equity. So you're either going to make that money, hopefully in the home, because ideally real estate goes up, so you're going to make more doing that versus even people saying, well, I could put it in the market or I could put it somewhere else.

And you could do that, again, mathematically. Sometimes that ends up being mathematically better. But the key here is to have a paid-for-home, though, to still put money down towards your mortgage. Because it does something, I think, emotionally for us to know, okay, I'm, like, working my way out of this big debt. And then number two, you don't know what life is going to throw at you. Because for right now in your life's circumstances,

why would you move, do you think? We, I mean, obviously anything can happen. But right now, if this is where we are meant to be, we probably won't move out of our current home until at least my youngest graduates. We would think about downsizing then. But that won't be for another 11 to 12 years, as long as everything stays the way it is right now. So we just moved in two years ago. So that's where my question was I didn't know if we should focus on paying it off since we weren't planning on being here for more than 15 years if that would happen. Yes, that makes so much sense. And like you said, though, yeah, you don't know what's going to happen between now and then. And we find that people

on average actually pay off their home in seven years. So you guys actually could look up ahead of time and say, wow, we paid it off so much faster and earlier than we even expected. And you you got to pay for a house and then maybe you decide to stay or whatever life is, that money's going to be in the home when you sell it, again, hopefully the value will be up more. So that, but it's a great question because I think a lot of people, they want to know and they want to be able to do it, do it well. But yes, throwing money at that Baby Step 6. All for it, girl, all for it. All right. Awesome. Thank you so much. You're so welcome. Thanks, Krista. And all of you out there who are wondering about the Baby Steps, considering she's on Baby Step 4, 5, and 6. If you want to learn

more, you can pick up my new book, know yourself, know your money, where I talk all about these money principles, but then also go under that foundation and talk about the why, why we handle money the way we do. And it's all so crucial, you guys, and that whole cycle of personal finance. So Krista, thanks again. Thank you. Bye. All right. I loved Krista's question because I feel like a lot of people have this question in their heads. Okay, I'm not going to live in my house forever. So what do I do? But remember, sticking with the baby steps in order, wherever you are, it's going to be the most beneficial, no matter if you're staying in your home for a little bit or a long time, it's worth paying it off. I want to thank John Deloney for being on.

His insight is so great. I love the way he navigates some really tough ideas and situations in life, but he hits him head on and such great advice. Now, if you have not subscribed to this podcast, make sure you do that. Just click that subscribe button. And if the spirit leads, you can leave a review. Thank you guys for listening to this episode. And remember to take control of your money and create. a life you love.