The Rachel Cruze Show - Money Mistakes That Can Ruin Your Relationships

Episode Date: November 25, 2019

Money touches every area of our lives, and even if we don’t realize it, it affects our relationships too. That’s why I want to spend some time helping you navigate the way money can play out in your friendships, family and marriage. In this episode of The Rachel Cruze Show, you’ll learn: Three times the show Friends taught us about how not to handle money within relationships. Expert advice from Dr. Henry Cloud on how to protect your time and money during the holiday season when your family feels entitled to all of it. (Hey people-pleasers, this segment is especially for you!) The best gift my family gives me every year. How money fights actually made one couple closer than ever before. Sponsors pay the producer of this show, The Lampo Group, LLC, advertising fees for mentioning their services or products during programming. Advertising fees are not based upon or otherwise tied to any product sale or business transacted between any consumer or sponsor. The following sponsors have paid for the programing you are viewing: Zander Insurance Money & Marriage event tickets Henry Cloud’s website   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We certainly weren't on the same page. We were $23,000 in debt. When you're on the same page, you know what's going on. Yeah. It changes everything. Now we have written goals and written plans, and we know where we want to be. My friend and bestselling author, Dr. Henry Cloud. All we can do is take control of our side of the relationship.

It is difficult, but boundaries are good. Remember this formula. Set the limit and then empathize. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Rachel Cruise Show podcast. I am so glad that you're here. And this episode is all about relationships. Oh, relationships. We've all got them, right?

Whether it's spouses, family, friends, coworkers, you're dealing with different people every day. But today we're going to talk about those relationships and how they impact your money. So in this episode, best-selling author, Henry Cloud, is here to talk about boundaries and relationships and how important they are, especially during the holidays. Can I get an amen?

And then later I'm going to bring on a couple to see how well they communicate about money. together. But before we do all of that, let's talk about what is and isn't communicating well about money. It just so happens. One of my favorite TV shows of all time, besides The Bachelor, is Friends. And Friends, yes, it has a lot of great examples about money miscommunication. So let's learn from our friends on how to avoid misunderstandings with people in your life when it comes to money. Family, not good communication. spending your daughter's wedding fund on your beach house and not telling her until months before the wedding.

Do you remember when Monica's parents did that? Yes. What would have been good communication is if Monica's parents, if they couldn't come up with the money to fund the beach house, and they should have given her plenty of notice so that she wasn't in a bind relying on that money. She needed time to save for herself for her wedding. Friends, not good communication. Do you remember, when Chandler goes all out for Ross's birthday, buying concert tickets, a gift, and cake, and then he springs it on the rest of the friends

and expects them to contribute $62 each? Well, what is good communication is that Chandler should have sent out an email to all the friends on the front end to see how much they were able to contribute while keeping in mind that Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey were probably in between jobs and shot for cash like they were the entire season.

Spouses, not good communication. Going behind your spouses back and asking a friend for a loan, like Monica and Chandler did without telling each other. They both asked to borrow money from Joey and wanted him to keep the secrets. But what is good communication would be talking about your money issues openly with your spouse. You guys, money fights is one of the leading causes of divorce, so it is crucial for you to get on the same page with money. I wish I could have told Monica and Chandler that.

to avoid having miscommunication like this, make sure you download my six money conversations to have with your spouse. Just click the link in the show notes. Okay, I can talk about friends all day, but I won't. So now I want to talk about some relationships in my life, like my in-laws. Usually when you hear in-laws, it's just like, bah. You know, I have people in my life, that's how they feel. And I actually kind of feel the opposite.

I love my in-laws. I think a big part of that is I was actually friends. with Winston's sister before Winston I ever dated. So I like hung out with his parents, like before I was ever, Winston's like girlfriend and then wife. So like I got to know them before that, which was awesome. And they are fabulous people. And I will say, during this time of the year,

this is where a lot of people start to feel a lot of stress around being with extended family and in-laws. But I can say that when I look at my life, one of the things that I'm so grateful for that my in-laws have given us. It's really a gift, and my parents are really in the same boat, so I'm really thankful for this, is that when it comes to holiday seasons,

there are no strings attached. Neither one of our parents feel this urge to say, oh, you have to be here on Christmas Day, or no, no, no, we have to do this at Thanksgiving. Like, they work around schedules. They're not all hung up on, like, what day is what during the holidays. And I can tell you, Winston night, every year,

we tell them, thank you so much for being relaxed. And so when I look at the holiday season, for me, I'm thankful I can say that. But I know that's not the case for all of you. Because a lot of people, they have a ton of expectations put on them from other people. Maybe it's their in-laws. Maybe it's extended family. And I'm no expert when it comes to boundaries. That's why we have Henry Cloud coming on next.

But just remember, during the holiday season, it's okay to respectfully fight for what's best for you, your time, and your family during the holiday season. Okay? It is not worth being exhausted and stressed out. It is worth figuring out what is best for you guys, you and your family, during this season. So I cannot wait for you to hear from my friend, Dr. Henry Cloud, when he talks all about boundaries, and he is brilliant. All right, Henry, thanks for being here.

Good to be here, Rachel. Always fun to have you. You are just an expert when it comes to all things boundaries, and this is, like, what we need for this episode. Let's do it. I love it. Okay, so all of your years of being a psychologist, counselor, writer, all the things around relationships. When it comes to boundaries specifically, like, what's the one relationship in their life that you see is probably the most common that people have to set a boundary for?

The most difficult one that you shouldn't think it would be difficult as an adult is with parents and in-laws. I hear that a lot because a lot of times, you know, you're supposed to grow up as a kid and be under their, manage your managerial role, and you're supposed to grow up, and then you go and you're in charge of your life. And sometimes some parents don't get that memo. Yeah. So do you see that, is it usually like the parent's fault, or is it usually the kid's fault that that boundary hasn't been said? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, is it usually the parent overreaching or is it the kid that's like wanting the parent to still help? When it comes to fault, I always say, yeah, it's 100% your fault for your side of the equation,

and it's 100% your parents fall for their side of the equation. And that's the whole thing about boundaries, is all we can do is take control of our side of the relationship. It's like the old country in Western Song. How can I miss you if you never go away? That's right. And there's a lot of times too much fusion. Too much there.

Yeah. I know the parent-child relationship, but especially when the child becomes the adult, like navigating all of that and when to step in, when not. Like it is. It is difficult, I mean, like, but knowing that they're, that boundaries are good and that they're okay. People try to figure this out on the fly. If you've got a pattern of being feeling controlled by parents or in-laws or whatever, you don't solve that when you're planning for Thanksgiving or when you're planning for the holidays or when you're planning for vacation or when you're trying to, you know, figure out what school your kids are going to go to.

Those are tactical moments. What you've got to do in these situations is you've got to have a meeting and sit down and say something like, you know, mom, dad, we or I, I really love you. And I want the best for our relationship. And I want to last forever. What I want to talk about is what the expectations are. And, you know, there's things like how we spend our time and how we spend our money and how we spend our energies and our talents. And so let's just talk about it. You know, what, you know, we need time for us, any time for me, we need time for the kids.

And we want to have some time for you. So let's talk about what are the expectations. You know, I've got a lot of stakeholders in my life that I've got to give time and energy to. And what are y'all expecting? let's just talk about this. And you establish the boundaries in these parameters, just like you do a budget. And you talk about it. And then if you've done that, that's the place to have the difficult conversations,

not on the phone call. So when are you coming? What? You're not getting there until Wednesday? No, you have all week. We were expecting you. Well, now you're upside down already. Totally.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Already behind. And so setting those boundaries, it's not mean. But that doesn't mean that somebody's not going to interpret it as me. And generally, if you have somebody that doesn't have freedom as a high value, because freedom, you know, love and freedom are equal, whenever freedom goes down, love goes down. And what you've got to do is you've got to reaffirm the love.

And you go, look, I love you. I don't, I'm not trying to hurt you. And I understand that this is, sad and hurtful for you. It's something I need to do for me. I hope you can accept that. And when they push back, remember this formula, set the limit and then empathize. So when they say, well, how could you say, Mom, you know, I understand this is frustrating to you.

I don't want it to be, but it's something I need to do for me. And then they come back and you go, I know it's painful. I get it. Maybe there's some other things I could give you. give you this holiday or I can't give you this time or whatever. But you can't judge the rightness or wrongness of your actions only by the reaction that you get from other people. Because if you're living your life just to keep everybody happy, A, you'll never keep them happy. And B, you're going to be miserable. So good. So when you look at like the biblical approach to boundaries,

You know, there's scriptures that says, like, no greater love than when to lay down your life for a friend. Like, those kind of things. Like, where does boundaries come into play when you look at scripture? You know, if you talk about the Bible's part of this, one of the passages I really love is when it's talking about giving in 2nd Corinthians 9. It says give. Now, think about this. Not only money, but think of your time and your energy and your talents. It says, give as you have purposed in your heart.

Okay, start there. What do I want to give to this relationship? You know, why am I doing this? What's the purpose of giving here? Give as you purpose in your heart. And then it says this, not begrudgingly nor under compulsion for God loves a cheerful giver. Now you take those two words. Begrudgingly, that means you're putting pressure on me. I say, no, I can't do that. And so you finally kind of like pushed me into it and I do it, but I'm holding a grudge. It doesn't feel good. And that's, you're external pressure that causes us to lose our boundaries. The other part says, or under compulsion. So a compulsion is the internal pressure. It's the voice that compels you and says, you're selfish if you do this. You're bad if you do this. You ought to do this. And you don't have choice there either because the inner voices have control of your life, right? The inner critics, they're loudly. Yeah. And the other thing I'd say about the purposeful

giving is this, that the happiest people in life are givers. The happiest people in for those that don't live just for themselves but serve others. What do you see with people when it comes to their money? Well, I'm going to charge you for this answer. I know, that's fine. Bill me. You can bill me. What is a boundary that needs to be set when it comes to people in their money? Well, it's twofold.

It's intrapersonal, right? So the initial boundary has got to be getting control of yourself and realize that, you know, Money is a tool, and the boundary, the initial boundary is getting clear about what your purpose and vision really is for your life. Because money, money is, you know, it serves kind of to, you know, build life in some ways and make parts of life work. What's your vision? That's the first thing. And what happens is we have a war inside.

You've written about this. that's my vision. But boy, that's a new shiny car over there. And if we don't have a vision for all of our life, you know, if you've got what you want for your family, what you want for your marriage, what you want for your career and future goals and retirement and all of that,

it's like I said with the parents. You've got to get out of the day-to-day and get your plan together and know it matters to you. So the most important boundary is internal. And then you've got to notice your triggers. Because what happens is you make this decision. And then we all have weaknesses.

Yep. Right? And that's where we have to do some of the deeper work of finding out, why don't I feel that way? Why am I driven to make everybody happy? And that internal work. And then there's the interpersonal side.

All right. So what is one boundary that people need to set during the holidays? Oh, gosh, the holidays. You know what I would do? I'd sit down and I'd draw a pie and I'd have three pieces in the pie. One of them is kind of the clinical arena.

How do I want to feel at the end of the holidays? Okay? The other one is the relationship piece. Who do I want to make sure I see and who do I need to avoid? And then the performance piece. What are my goals of this? How much I'm going to spend? When do I get my shopping done and all of that?

You sit down beforehand and you, look at, you know, look at January 2nd. Looking back, do I want to be burned out and depressed and anxious and crazy? Well, what's it going to take to avoid that? Do I want to have had time with the people that are meaningful to me? How much time? How do, you know, what are the relation? And then on the performance side, how do I want to spend my money and what goals do I have for this?

And if you plan it, then you can get it done. But if you just go into it on patterns, you're going to be, you know, at Walmart on December 24th at 11 p.m., right? It's not pretty there. I've been there. It's not a good place for me. But if we just had to pick one, most holiday pain comes from relationships. And, you know, there are certain people in certain patterns. and set some clear boundaries there, and probably that's where most of the pain comes from.

Yeah, Henry. Rachel, keep doing what you're doing. Always. You keep doing what you're doing. I'm sitting here thinking, I'm like, God, the doctor, man, Dr. Henry Cloud, there's so much here. There's so much here. Awesome stuff. And obviously, your book, Boundaries, you can pick it up,

anywhere books are sold, different, multiple stuff. Come find me on Boundaries.com. Perfect. Downreys. Okay, make sure to check it out. Thanks again. Good to be here. Oh, Henry.

Man, he is so smart. Seriously, I could sit there and just listen to his advice all day. I learned so much every time I'm with him. All right, coming up next is a couple who started communicating and working together with their money. I felt stressed, just a mess all the time. Just a lot of anxiety around the debt that we had and how to pay it off. We certainly weren't on the same page.

We were $23,000 in debt. When we got married, a couple, gave us the book. You told him my makeover. And it kind of just got set on a shelf. I had a credit card and started using it. Little did we know that Ted is easy, easy to come by. Creeps up on you.

And then about two years ago, we looked back and found the book. And Joanna read it. Started reading it. I met with a lady from our church, and she was like, you can do this. And I went home and I was all excited and was like, Tim, guess what? We can get out of debt.

Like, we can do this. And I want to read the total money makeover book with you, and we should do this. And that was a rough night because he admitted to me that he had been spending money left and right on just lunch and breakfast every day for work. Wherever it was easy to swipe a credit card,

lo and behold, I work up a good $3,000 credit card bill. She didn't really know about it. After just months of feeling bad about it, we finally came together. And we started Financial Peace University. It's amazing what a difference my husband is and our relationship is and how we view our finances together instead of totally separate. Before we started on our debt-free journey,

I had doubts and fears of me hiding the debt that I'd accumulated. I wanted to figure out how I could deal with it myself. Kind of pulled us apart, but it's brought us back together and repair. that. It's amazing how it's impacted our relationship because it's really brought us together and showed me that he's in it and he's in it not just for himself but also for me, for us, you know, to have a better marriage and a better life. Well, thank you guys so much for coming on. This is a fun episode because it's all about relationships and one of the most important relationships in your life is your marriage. So how long have you guys been married?

Been married just over three years. Over three years. Okay, so fun. Okay, so I wanted to play a little game to see how well you know each other and your money as a couple. So the fun thing with this is I've asked each of you separate questions. You don't know what each other's questions are. You don't know what your answers are. So we're going to see how well you know each other guys. All right. So Joanna, the first question is for you. Okay. Who is better at managing the finances? Me. You? Okay. Tim, what did you say? Oh, Joanna. Okay, that's good. So you are more of the nerd. Definitely. Yes. So does it come natural to you? Like, do you love it? I do. Yeah, I enjoy making the budget and doing all the things.

Tracking the expenses and... In every dollar. Yeah, it's kind of satisfying. I love it. It's so great. I love it. I know. I love doing it every day. It's kind of like one of those joys. Yeah. I'm like, oh, I get a little bubble that I get... I'm not even the nerd. I'm the free spirit. Tell me more with you. Okay, Tim, your question is, what is the last purchase that was made over $100?

Can I give him hints? Yeah, give him hands. Help him out. You're not our partners in life. It happened just around the time we bought the house. A weed eater? Oh, the week. Did I give it away? Hey, points for all of us.

We're all winners here. So good, good, good. Was that a hard one to make, considering it was like a big fortune? It's been a while. Yes, yeah. So great. Awesome. Okay, Joanna, your question is, how much do you guys have budgeted for food each month?

$400. $400? Oh, you know each other's that well. And your budget. I love it. All right, Tim, how much debt do you guys have right now, not including the house? Just over $20,000. Just over $20,000.

Okay. Joanna? $20,300. That's amazing. Can you tell? We talk about our money a lot. I love it. Hey, that's proving the game.

I love it. Okay. Joanna, who is most likely to. spend the food budget. That would be me because I do the grocery shopping. So I chose myself. Oh no, why? Because food is my Achilles heel. Oh. I like food. We all love food. Yeah, we do. Well, you're winning in life right now. If I left him to manage it, he would, it would be gone. It's my eyes. He'd eat it all. Okay, Tim, last question is, when will you guys be completely out of debt?

Sorry question. If we sell our... Because it moves, it moves, yes. If we sell our car, it would only take about 18 months. Okay, how does it ride? Okay, how'd you answer it? I'm hopeful. Oh, yes, you are, girl.

Well, hey, that's close to the 18-month drop. Are you planning on sell in the car? Yes. Okay, yeah. Yes. Because you guys are in Financial Beach University right now, and I just want to know, like, before you guys started this process of working together, to be on the same page with money, what was marriage like before,

and then where is it today, the difference of working together? It was stressful. Yeah. I was always worried about how can I make more money to kind of get us to the next month? Just how do we make it that next little step further? Because bills are just always piled up and crazy and never really could figure it out. Yes. And now, I mean, now that we're on the same page and we're,

talking, we talk about our money all the time. We actually, you know, we do our budget together, which it was like pulling teeth before to get him to sit down and talk about money and the budget and our income. Yes. And now it's, it's, I mean, gone totally different. So good. Yeah. So what's changed for you then, considering if it was like pulling teeth and just curious from your perspective, like what's changed in you that you're like, oh yeah, no, I'm willing to talk about the income, talk about the money? Being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yeah. Yeah. Just absolutely done with making financial mistakes. Yes, which is so hard.

Okay, which leads us to our final question of the fun quiz slash game show, whatever we want to call this thing. Okay, and you both wrote down answers for this, because I asked you both this beforehand. What is the dumbest thing you guys have bought together? Which I think I'm going to know. I'm going to know. I have a feeling I know the answer to this question.

Oh, that's so great, you guys. But I love that because what it proves is how much. much you guys are working together while you're still different, right? I mean, like the free spirit, the nerd, one of you can still love the budget, not, but working together how much that's changed just not only your money situation, but I'm assuming your marriage. So like what parts of your marriage, even though you guys haven't married like too too long, but getting these healthy happens and place early on is a huge blessing. So I'm curious, like what is your, what was marriage like beforehand and then now? Okay. Well, before we didn't have, like we had a,

of what we wanted to do and sort of kind of goals, but now we have written goals and written plans and we know where we want to be five, ten years from now. So it's, yeah, it's totally different. We're on the same page and it's amazing. Oh, absolutely. I mean, it changes everything, right? Like when you're on the same page and you know what's going on and the progress you can make. So I think that that's so great. So a couple sitting here watching this or listening to this and they're thinking, okay, I'm not, I don't talk to my husband about money or I don't to talk to my wife about money, what encouragement would you give them to do it, to have these hard conversations and to get this part of this relationship in their life in order where they're

on the same page? I would say not letting the fear of having debt hold you back from being honest with yourself or your spouse and just laying it out all on the table and taking care of it together. So good. So all the hard conversations, all the work to pay down debt, has it been worth it so far? Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, great. That's awesome. Well, you guys are incredible. Seriously. I think it's so fun to have different couples and different stages of their marriages and getting you guys, like, the fact that you're doing this so early on and you're truthful with each other, you're working together. I'm like, that's just like decades and decades of bad habits you're not going to have to

break later on. I mean, seriously, it's huge. So I think that's so, so incredible. And we actually have a money and marriage event. It's an event all around this idea of money and marriage. It's on Valentine's Day. So I'm actually going to give you guys tickets to come to Nashville. Come to the event, hang out. Thank you. And if you guys want to come to the event, make sure to click the link in the description below.

Get your tickets. Good hanging out with Joanna and Tim. Well, you're there too. But thank you guys so much for going on. Thanks for playing my fun game. Yeah. Thank you. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode

and got some practical tips on dealing with the relationships in your life. Oh, Dr. Henry and Cloud, always just a wealth of knowledge. And I love hearing from couples who get on the same. page. Thank you guys so much for listening to this episode. And if there's anything that we talked about here, make sure click the link in the description to get all the great things. And also, I always love to hear from you guys and answer your questions. So I set up a new voicemail just

for you. So you can actually call, leave your message, and I may answer it here on the podcast. So just call 844-944-1075 and ask. Now, if you've not subscribed to this podcast, make sure you do that. the spirit leads, leave a review. All right, as always, make sure you take control of your money and create a life you love with the people you love. So if you guys enjoyed this podcast, we have more from the Ramsey Network, like The Ken Coleman Show. According to a recent Gallup poll, nearly 70% of Americans are disengaged at work. If you dread going into work every Monday morning and you're just trying to make it to the weekend, the Ken Coleman show is for you. everyone has a sweet spot.

Your sweet spot is at the intersection of your greatest talent and greatest passion. We will help you discover what it is you were born to do and then will help you create a plan to make your dream job a reality. You matter and you have what it takes. Join the conversation on the Ken Coleman Show. To hear full episodes, just search Ken Coleman wherever you listen to podcasts or go to Ken Coleman Show.com.