The Rachel Cruze Show - Stop Fighting About Money and Start Doing This . . .

Episode Date: July 20, 2020

Unfortunately, money is the number one issue married couples fight about.1 But if you truly want to create a life you love, you can’t sweep the money topic under the rug. So, in the latest episode of The Rachel Cruze Show, you’ll learn:   How to use conflict to improve your marriage The one marriage issue I won’t budge on A step-by-step plan on how to stop fighting about money How to make long-term money goals with your spouse   Sponsors pay the producer of this show, The Lampo Group, LLC, advertising fees for mentioning their services or products during programming. Advertising fees are not based upon or otherwise tied to any product sale or business transacted between any consumer or sponsor. The following sponsors have paid for the programming you are viewing: - Zander Insurance   - Mama Bear Legal Forms - Tuft & Needle   Zander Insurance Mama Bear Legal Forms Ramsey Preferred Coaches  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We were over $90,000 in debt. Financial coach Erica Young. When we started to see our debts go down, we started feeling control. And I really wanted to help other people do the same thing. You sit down with people all the time. You get to see the light bulb go on. I make certain that they illuminate it so that they can know, okay, I've made a difference in my finances. Hey, everyone.

Welcome to another episode of the Rachel Crewe Show podcast. So glad that you're here. Today's episode is going to be all about working together with your spouse to make progress towards your money dreams. So we're going to talk about how to have healthy, productive money conversations with your spouse. And financial coach Erica Young is my guest. She and her husband paid off six figures of debt in just five years. And she's going to help a couple who wants to get on the same page when it comes to their money. But listen, a lot of couples, they fight when it comes to money. Couples fighting about money? Does that

sound familiar? Well, if it does, then you'll enjoy today's episode. Struggling with money statistically is going to be part of your marriage at some point. The State of Finances in America household study by Ramsey Solutions found that 86% of couples who got married in the last five years started out in debt. That's right. So it's normal to enter in marriage with debt. But you guys, remember, debt leads to stress. It leads to fighting. And when you owe someone something, it changes so much in your life.

And that's where a lot of couples started out. Remember, normal, it's not what we want. We want weird. We want debt-free people around here. But money is the number one issue that married couples fight about. But it doesn't have to be this way. According to another study, couples in healthy marriages are more likely to actually talk about their money dreams and make long-term goals.

Now, it can be scary and really hard to talk about money openly with your spouse, especially if you've never done it before. But love puts no limits on the topics of conversation, and that includes money. Okay, when you get married, you become one in every aspect of your life, okay? One in every aspect, including your money. Now, some people don't like this idea. In fact, I put up an Instagram little box one time,

and it said, combine your accounts or something along those lines. It's something I say all the time. It's amazing to me that I'm like, take down the credit card companies in America, and people are like, sure. And then I'm like, combine your accounts if you're married. And they're like, what? You just like ran over my dog.

Who are you? You're the worst person in the world. I mean, the hate that came out of nowhere. I was like, dear Lord, people, calm down, number one. But number two, yes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sometimes I'm like, you can do your thing, I'll do mine. But this is proven, you guys.

People that work together with their money, they combine it, they see it not as she or he, but we together, they win faster when it comes to money. And the comment that bothered me probably the most is people that said, well, we fought so much about money. And then we separated it all, and now we have a great marriage. I'm sorry.

You separated it to avoid a topic that's hard in marriage. Oh, avoidance. I'm not a marriage counselor. But I do not think it's probably a good factor here, okay? So that means, yes, when you combine your accounts, you might have conflict, you guys. But conflict is key. Conflict is a good thing when it's done in the right way.

Conflict gets below the surface. It means that you get to have your independent thought, which may be different than your spouses, and that's okay, talk about it. Because the deal is, when you work through stuff, you get to know your spouse on a different level. You have a level of intimacy that's not there if you just say, oh, everything's fine, we're going to just kind of avoid hard subjects and just live life, okay?

So getting down in the muck and the not fun part of stuff and you have conflict, yeah, it's hard, it's not easy. But the team that's connected there, like what happens after that conflict and you come together and you say, you know what, we are a more tight-knit unit, it's amazing. It's amazing what happens to your marriage when you do that. When you fight, you actually grow closer. And when I say fight, I'm saying it in a healthy way, okay? Not like the bad stuff, but like truly having good, healthy conflict.

Les Perrin says conflict is the price we pay for a deeper level of intimacy. And I love that, okay? So it's okay to go into this disagreeing with your spouse. But this is going to force you guys to talk about stuff, to talk about money. And the great thing about money is just like, it's the thing you're talking about. but what it expounds upon is really your goals in life, your fears, your dreams. So much more is there, okay? So get vulnerable with your spouse.

Talk about the hard stuff because I promise you will have a deeper, more intimate marriage when you do. Now, one of those valuable conversations to have with your spouse sooner than later is having life insurance. Actually, this was one of the easier conversations that Winston and I ever had because keeping our family secure was really important to both of us. In term life insurance, it's really affordable, and it just makes sense. regardless of where you're at in the baby steps, you've got to make this a priority.

Make sure that you have a policy that includes 10 to 12 times your annual income and coverage. So this will give you and your family so much peace of mind. Winston and I use Zander insurance because they made this process super simple, and you can tell that they really care about you and your family. Zander does all the work, shopping all the top companies to find the best rates and coverage based on your family's needs. If you're like me, your family is a top priority. make sure you take this step to keep them protected. Go to zander.com or click the link in the show notes to get started on a quote today. Next step is financial coach Erica Young, and she joins

me to help us all have better conversations about money with our spouses. But first, let's hear her story. We were over $90,000 in debt, and we thought it was normal. My husband and I, we were newlyweds, and we were trying to figure out what our first step ought to be, and he found Dave Ramsey on the radio, and he came home one day and said, you need to give me that credit card you got. When someone comes to you and they take away your credit card and you think that that's your source of freedom, and actually at that time, I was the Brett winner and the family. And so for him to come to me and say, we've got to stop this behavior, it was hard. I mean, it was humbling, actually.

I had to, like I said, suck up my pride and just say, okay, what does this look like? The very first win that we had on this journey when we took Financial Peace University is actually having a budget that worked. It felt so good because between us, we had seven credit cards and to pay off that first one that was $600 was huge. And we started to see our debts go down and we started to have a budget that really worked. We started feeling control. That control was something that put us in the driver's seat of being able to make good decisions about our money for us to have a way and a forum for us to talk about money and to dream about what it is we wanted in the future. And during the time, I wanted to make certain that I could help other people.

Like, I started asking people, my pastor, my best friend, is this viable? Can I help people with budgets? Is this a real thing? Then when I started meeting with them and starting to see the light bulbs go on for them, that was exciting. And I really lit up inside. Like, it was not work per se. I would go to work all day and be drained.

And then I would do financial coaching on the side or help. somebody with their budget and I'd be energized. One day, I sat straight up in my bed. I really feel strongly that God said, it's time. I left that work and was able to full-time move into doing financial coaching once we brought a debt. A Ramsey preferred coach can help you get faster to your debt-free goal than you would have on your own. They can see into your situation, potential options that you may not be able to see because you're emotionally attached to your outcomes. that sometimes clients, when they come to the consultation or come to a coaching session, they're drained, they're tired, they're hopeless, and I get to inject hope into their situations to see a single mom pay off her car or to see a couple be able to pay off $200,000 in debt. But it's also the people who are in between who pay off, say, $10,000 in debt, and they're finally able to say, okay, I can exhale, I can sleep better at night, and I know that we're going to be okay.

I love being able to see people who know what their finish line looks like in terms of getting out of debt. Like they have a date. I call it a debt-free date. And they're able to just run towards that because they actually have a game plan. That's just fun. Erica, I'm so glad you're here. Thanks for being here. So good to be here.

Thanks for having me. And I love your story and love that you're a financial coach, but we'll get to that in a little bit. But first, I want to know, what was money like for you growing up? Tough. Honestly. I mean, I came from a single parent household. and it was paycheck to paycheck living. It was feast and famine all the time,

and it's like Friday comes, and now we can spend, and then Monday's back and ease off a little bit. And so that's what we learned, and I wanted something different, and it's just hard to know how to get out of that. Absolutely. So you're married now, how long have you been married?

21 years. 21 years. You give me so much marriage advice for this only 10, been married for 10 years. You're double. You have double than all of them. much of me. Okay, so for you and your husbands, what is money like for you guys? It's a daily thing. I mean, you have to have conversations all the time. Things change. And we've got two kids.

And so as they've grown up, we've grown up in money things and all of our conversations adjust as they've had, you know, different things that they go through and college student, all of that kind of stuff. So we try and work through all of it together. I think it's just important to be a team. Okay. So I'm going to pause right there and just reiterate what she just said. It is important to be a team. Yes, Erica and her husband work together when it comes to money. And you heard earlier, she's talking about all the different conversations they have and how their conversations change.

Yes, they change depending on what seasons of life they're in, what their kids are doing. I mean, guys, money is a part of your life. It is. Whether you like it or not, it is a part of the ebb and flow of life. And so being on the same page with your spouse, again, I cannot reiterate this more. Like, it is so, so crucial that you guys work together. as a team and talk about it. And it doesn't have to be scary, okay? And I think a lot of people are really intimidated by it if it's not something that you do very often because it is,

can be very vulnerable, can be very scary. You maybe have the question of like, okay, is this going to turn into a big fight? But the more you do it, the more normal it is. And this is not putting me and Winston on a pedestal by any means because we are not perfect. But we've talked about money like our entire marriage, obviously with the job I do. But like, man, we just do. It's just like, it's not a big deal. It just is what it is. is we talk about it. And yeah, sometimes there's a more of a stress conversation versus a really free conversation. We run the gamut, but we have them. And so I'm telling you, if it doesn't feel normal right now, start it. Talk about it. Because the longer you do it, the more normal it will be,

the more you will be on the same page, the more united you two are going to be. And the faster you're going to be able to chase your money dreams and create that life that you guys love together. So work as a team. I'm saying it. Erica's saying it. And it is the true. work together as a team. I'd love to know. Have you and Chris ever thought about money? I'm assuming the answer is yes. Just like everyone else.

Yes. So what's one of the biggest money fights that you guys have gotten into? Well, one of our first ones really was he took the credit cards away for me. So he's the one who had to say, Erica, stop this. You're not being truthful with yourself

and this whole money thing. And I had to put my pride aside and figured this thing out. So you all started at the beginning. Yes. I don't know about this day for him to go. I was. Yeah, you said that.

You said that. Oh, that's so great. Okay, so you are a Ramsey preferred coach. And for you guys at home, in case you don't know, a Ramsey preferred coach is a financial coach that we've trained who helps you develop a financial plan for your specific needs and goals. So you can kind of think of them as like your money mentor, if you will. So I want to know, what made you decide to become a financial coach? Well, it took my husband and I about five years to get out of $90,000 in debt. And I started to see how excited I was.

and I really wanted to help other people do the same thing in less time, though, because I didn't have a coach. I didn't, you know, I did FPU and I really wanted to, you know, make a change, but I wanted to help other people do it faster. Yes, that's so great. And you guys, you sit down with people all the time. Do you find that tough conversations are really valuable when couples have them, whether in a session with you or just even at home? Absolutely. And I think that I encourage them to actually sit down and have this specific conversation with how to do that reasonably. so everybody gets heard and you kind of get to some resolution. But it's important to face it. Otherwise, you're not going to make progress. Yeah, absolutely. So what does that even look like? Like if couples are fighting about money, what's like that first step to start that conversation? What's the real why? Where are you

trying to go? You know, why do you want to get there? What's really important to the both of you? And how can you support one another in that effort? And it may not look the same for each of you. And the important thing is that you hear one another and then you try to take action that's going to be beneficial for the household. So I just hope they are team couples. That's the important thing is being a team. Working together. Oh, it is. It's okay. So when you're having these conversations about money, couples are, there's a lot of emotion involved. So where do you see emotion playing into these conversations? Well, it comes up, and we have to identify it. If people pretend that money is just about the numbers, they're missing a whole big piece of this. And so I let them know, this is going to be emotional. So if I just prep them and say,

I know that this is going to be challenging, we're going to face it head on. You don't have to do it alone. And here are some tools to make sure that you get through that with, you know, some success on the end and some real practical steps with your budget and your debt reduction strategy. Okay, I'm going to jump in right there because I think this was a great point that she made, that some of these conversations, they're going to be hard. They can be emotional and that can be scary, but still doing it, like still stepping into the hard stuff, you guys. I mean, talking about money and getting on the same page, just because it's hard doesn't mean it's wrong. and more than likely, if you're not on the same page with money right now, it's probably going to be

hard. I'll just kind of bust the bubble right now that there will be hard conversations. But just because something is hard does not mean it's wrong. In fact, I think when things are really tough and you get through them together as a team, like you sharpen each other. You become stronger. I know that's the same for Winston and myself. The times in marriage that have been really hard, they're not wrong. They're hard. And when we actually dig in there, we become stronger as a couple. I like love him even more on this like deeper, more intimate level because I feel like I know even a layer deeper in him. And same with me. I mean, like, man, the hard stuff is good, you guys. Like when life becomes too easy, I've learned in 10 years of marriage, I like kind of raise a flag where I'm like, not like that there's a bear behind the door or God's trying to like trick you or something when things are going good. But when there is a season that's very long of just easiness. I'm like, okay, are we digging in enough here? Like are we are we having the hard conversations that I may be like subconsciously trying to avoid maybe. because I don't want to go there, but going there, it's always worth it. And again, when it comes to money, if that's you and your spouse, go there. Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's wrong.

So with couples that you sit down with, would you say majority of them figure out how to get on the same page? Because you know, you're a trained financial coach. You know how to do it well. And so you really do see success in this area with people. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. The point is, if they can get through this, they can pretty much talk about anything. Because money is really funny, right? Like, they don't want to have these conversations, but if I can guide them and say, here's what I hear you saying, and here's what I think might be an important way to navigate that, it makes it easier because that unbiased third party is so vital a lot of the time. Huge, absolutely. What would you say to a couple who they keep having the same fight over and over and over? It's like, she keeps

spending over the budget or he's always like so strict and everything. Oh my gosh, like, is that same thing over and over and over. What would you say to couples that have that same fight? Yeah, they're blaming each other. And they've got to just look at where can I be better, what can I do better, what's going to help us move forward versus pointing the finger at someone else. That's easier to do than looking inward. And so we've got to do that in order to break down some of those walls. Okay, so the next part of this podcast is really, really good.

So it's Erica talking to and coaching with this couple. Now, thank you, pandemic 2020. They did it via Zoom. So what you're hearing is actually a video conversation that's going on and we played the video on the Rachel Cruz show video version that's on YouTube and Facebook so you can check that out. But here you're going to hear the audio of their coaching session. And again, there's so much to take in so I can't wait for you guys to hear. One of my favorite packages to ever show up at my door is my tuftan needle mattress. I've got a

couple now and seriously, I love this mattress. You guys know exactly how it is. When you're juggling all the demands of mom, wife, work, friends, etc. Good sleep is a must. And I I've never slept better. Tuftan Needle is the best rated mattress on Amazon with over 100,000 five-star reviews. Try it out. You can get a mattress starting as low as $3.99. Plus, it chips free. And you get to keep it for 100 nights risk-free.

If I'm wrong, just send it back. Well, good to meet you, Lakeisha and Marvin. So glad we're here. Hello, how are you? Nice to meet you as well. Yes. So I'm here just to kind of see what's going on your, in your finances. So I just want to hear a little bit about your backstory and why it's important

for you to reach out and get some help in your finances right now. I think for me, we're newly ex. We've both been married before. We want to ensure that, you know, we are making a best financial decision and choices for our family so that we don't, you know, stand in the gap of potentially facing divorce just because of financial train. We have a blended family of four, and we have children that are going to be starting school soon. Got it. So tell me about what's broken. What's not working in your finances right now that you need some help on?

I would say tackling student loan debt. And then just to add to that, just managing the decisions of how to handle finances, taking care of our debts, but at the same time making sure that we're able to have a life, have a marriage, and then have time with the children as well. Yes. So what I hear you saying is you want to make sure that it works for your family. Yes. You want to make certain that you have some balance, some family time, that you can make some memories, and you want to get out of debt.

And I love that because you need to be able to enjoy the journey out of debt. Like, that's important. You know, it's important to know that you can do it on a plan, on a budget, and it's not derailed along the way, right? Absolutely. That's important. That's important. So, okay, brass tax, do you have a budget? Yes.

Yes, we do actually, believe it or not, we steal some things that we like, okay, we feel like we can tweak. If maybe we get some assistance, we may feel like we can actually make more headway than we're already making. So what's working in the budget now that you've decided to get a part of it? And I want to make certain that we get to what isn't working so you can have some solutions for success. I would say, you know, what is working right now is that we do have weekly meetings and we're able to, you know, review it, talk about it. I think right now we just need to find a way to kind of avalanche the current debt that we have. So we haven't really figured out how to just make it one snowball payment without making, you know, weekly payments and payments here and there.

And the reason why we do a weekly is because the checks are different and different bills. And so it kind of helps us as no, not feel like we got extra money for that particular week and know how to allot it. Yeah. My safety is having at least one month reserved. Okay. One month of our income because if I, you know, lose my country. contract trying to go and find work again, it's fearful for me.

So here's, let me give you one suggestion right here is I would do the entire month. So all 30 days, all the bills for 30 days, all the spending for 30 days, all the income for 30 days prior to the month starting. And then you know before you even break it out by spending plan, how much is supposed to go to that reduction. Because you want to be intentional. You want to make certain that all extra funds that you can are going towards debt, but you don't want it to be the very last thing you do, right? And that's how you can see the whole month, the whole 30 days right there beforehand, and you know what you're heading into, and it's not the last resort.

So I did hear you say that you are self-employed or you're a contract worker. So, I mean, I work a typical 40-hour week for my contract. I think the, where we kind of fall is like, okay, we have a budget for what we want to spend for groceries for the month, but that money may not be truly free until the end of the month based on our bill dates. And that's kind of what coaching is about, is just kind of understanding what your household needs. And it sounds like with you trying to get out of debt, you want, you need a budget that actually

works for you guys and you're being proactive. I think we need to take this back a little bit. You might need to get some cushy. for two weeks. Like, don't be so, oh, it's this week and these bills. I think we need to bring that back like at least two weeks and look at the whole month and see if you can get ahead a little bit. So it's not that feast and famine.

It kind of feels that way. I think that's a fair compromise to say, okay, yeah, let's at least do a month so that if anything comes, we at least say, okay, we have about 30 days for, you know, us to kind of go through this. And we haven't had to use it. but if it helps her mind, then it helps our marriage. Yeah, yeah. Look at that good husband right there.

Well, but you said a couple things. This is motivation for you to get out of debt because you do not want to live on the edge where you're constantly concerned about, oh my gosh, what if I lose my income, my job, right? Using it to motivate you to get out of debt faster is super duper important. Yeah.

So I've been asking you a lot of questions. What questions do you have for me? Because I want to make certain that those get answered. Well, here's one. So, you know, there's the nerd and then there's a free spirit. I can be both. What suggestion would you give when you kind of feel like you want to have a free spirit moment? But you're thinking about the goal and you're like,

and you don't want to create tension in the house. Yeah. And so, yeah, just kind of, I would say, speak to that. I'm going to speak on it. Relationally and some of the technicalities. I'll do the technicalities first. One is you need some cushion. Making certain that you have some wiggle room helps reduce the stress around, you know,

can I do this or can I do this? You've built in the opportunity to say yes to some stuff that comes up throughout the month. Relationally on that piece, though, I think timing is important. I think not making a big, super huge, long budget, you know, symposy. on one small issue is important and building in that wiggle room. So I think we have to just be willing to be open to conversations with ourselves when sometimes it might feel uncomfortable. Hey, I want to spend this. Is that okay? Right. So just know that that's okay. And I think you just have to set yourself up. So later on it becomes something that is just natural. Does that make sense?

Yes. Yes. Okay. Thank you. Good deal. Well, this one, awesome. I hope that you got something out of it. How do you feel? Great. I mean, I think this was very helpful. And I mean, I could definitely see how coaching could definitely benefit us in this journey of being debt-free. Awesome. Thank you so much. This was great. This was awesome. Thank you. Erica, that was so great because that's a perfect example of what it looks like to sit down with a Ramsey preferred coach, that third party to come in and help with these conversations about money because it can be really difficult. And for all of you, I made it. a little cheat sheet for six money talks every couple needs to have. So make sure you download those

in my show notes. Okay, Erica, all your years of sitting down with couples. Why do you think talking about money is so difficult? Why do people avoid these conversations? Talking about money is vulnerable. I mean, a lot of people do not want to unmask and tell it all and share all the details and they just feel like something's going to get taken away from them. And so it's important that people understand that they can have a safe space and they can create that. And that part makes it a little bit easy. year. Something's going to be taken away from them.

That's good. Because the couple is like, I want to budget. The person that doesn't, it's like, you're going to take away all my fun. What are you doing? What are you doing? Exactly right. Okay. So I want to know, because I don't get to do it very often, but sitting down one-on-one with

people and hearing their stories and walking them through and different sessions throughout their life of getting them to this place, you get to see the light bulb go on. Yeah. And so what's that been like? Oh, it's fun. It's fun. And I repeat it for them. When I see the light bulb go on, I say, I heard you.

you say that this made a difference, or I heard you say that for the first time you have a credit card paid off, and I repeat it, and then I make certain that they, you know, illuminate it so that they can sink it in, you know what I mean, and revisit that and know, okay, I've made a difference in my finances. It's just awesome. So that's the fun side, of course. It is. But what's the side that, like, when it's not clicking, what does that feel like? Yeah. Well, for me, it's tough because I want to plant the seeds and I want them to take action and I want to see the results. And sometimes they have to do the homework, and sometimes the homework's hard. And, you know, it's easier for me to just lay out a few, you know, bullet points of, here, here's some talking points. Let's figure out how

to do that on your own. And let's come back and revisit that next time we meet. So just making sure they encourage them in the right direction. I love it. It's not pressure of like this is, you have to do right now. Yeah. It really is integrating wise financial principles with their story, their situation, and doing it so well, which you do. You're amazing. So thank you, Erica. Thanks for being on. and all your wisdom that you've given to hundreds and maybe even thousands of couples across America. Really appreciate it. Thank you.

All right, you guys. I hope you enjoyed that episode. I hope that you learned and feel confident that having hard conversations with your spouse when it comes to money is a good thing. It makes you a stronger team. And thank you to Lakeisha and Marvin for being willing to share their story.

I know it can be really hard sometimes to be vulnerable, but man, they did it, and I'm just so thankful for that. And if you think that you and your spouse need a third party to reach your financial goals. I want to connect you with a Ramsey financial coach. These coaches are trained by Ramsey, so make sure to click the link to learn more. All right, you guys, thanks so much for listening. If you've not subscribed to this podcast, make sure you do that. And if the spirit leads, you can leave a review. And as always, make sure you take control of your money and create a life

you love. If you guys enjoyed this podcast, we have more from the Ramsey Network, like the Chris Hogan Show. I am so excited to be able to talk to you all week in and week out. We're going to talk about your money, your life, your dreams, and your goals. You know why? Because I'm your coach. Whether we're talking about building wealth, paying off your home early, investing, paying for college, and guess what? How to become an everyday millionaire. We're going to focus on taking your calls because you matter to me.

Together, we can do this. This is the Chris Hogan Show. To hear full episodes, just search Chris Hogan wherever you listen to podcast or go to Chris Togan 360.com.