The Rachel Cruze Show - The Truth About Women and Money

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

What’s the real truth about how women handle money? We’ll talk about that. Plus, I’ll have an awesome conversation about finance and community with Jennie Allen. In this episode: ·     The Truth About Women and Money ·     Game-Changing Advice to Boost Your Money Goals with Jennie Allen   Helpful Resources: EveryDollar Christian Healthcare Ministries   Sponsors pay the producer of this show, The Lampo Group, LLC, advertising fees for mentioning their services or products during programming. Advertising fees are not based upon or otherwise tied to any product sale or business transacted between any consumer or sponsor. The following sponsor has paid for the programming you are viewing: Christian Healthcare Ministries.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I think being in community around our finances is the greatest decision we've ever made. It was the scariest thing before I did it. And I would say it's the most beneficial thing since. I don't think there's a part of life we should ever do alone. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the Rachel Crewe Show podcast. I'm so glad that you're here. In this episode, we're going to talk with author and one of my great friends, Jenny Allen. We talk about how to find solid community right now.

and you will not believe the awesome financial accountability advice that she actually gives. So stick around for that. But first, let's talk about the truth about women and money. Take a listen. All right, let's talk about women and money in America today. So there were some stats from a TED talk from a woman who actually was divorced. And so she went and researched, okay, what does it look like for women to be more involved with the finances? So here were some of the stats that she gave.

56% of married women leave investment in financial planning decisions to their husbands. 85% of married women who stay out of long-term financial decisions believe that their spouses know more about financial matters. Eight out of 10 women are content with the current distribution of financial responsibilities in their marriages. And I've also heard what women say things like, well, I just don't really understand the finances, so I'll let him do it. or, you know, I can just rely on other people in my life to handle it.

It'll be okay. Some women have said, well, it's just too late for me to learn about money. For some women, they say, well, this is how we've been doing it in our marriage for so long. So why change it now? So again, there's all these reasons, all these stats that you hear about women and money. But then also, I'll hear other kind of on the flip side of like, no, actually women are the ones who do the finances and the marriage. They're kind of like the CFO of the household because they're the ones spending a lot of the money to keep things running, keep things going.

So, listen, regardless of what it is, I don't like the extremeness of the stats because whether it's the woman doing everything and she's the CFO of the household or the woman's not doing enough from the stats at the beginning of this and the husband's doing a lot of it, I don't like that.

Okay, I want it to be 50-50. So here's the deal, guys. When you are married, you are one. You are a team, regardless of whether you're a woman, regardless whether you are a man. I want you guys to win. And the best roadmap that I have found when it comes to people saying,

okay, yes, we're going to work as a team, is you find the person, first and foremost, in the relationship that's, like, naturally good at the stuff. Like, maybe there's one of you and probably one of you in the marriage that is naturally kind of more the nerd is what we say, but they like doing the budget. They have fun doing it. They actually kind of get this high in this adrenaline of spreadsheets and Excel

and looking at long-term goals. Like, they thrive in it. Okay, if that is you in the marriage, I would really recommend, okay, you do the budget. Like, sit down, you run the numbers. And then the key here is that you take the budget or you take the plan to your spouse, who's probably going to be the free spirit,

if opposites attract, and the one that's not so excited about this stuff, but you bring it to them. And then what happens is you guys have a conversation. It goes back and forth. So the free spirit says, no, you know, that just looks like a lot of money going out in that category. Let's change it here.

Or we got to add this category. because remember, we have children, so maybe they should have a category in the budget or whatever it is. But you guys talk about it. You change it. You talk back and forth. That is how it should be. Okay. I do not like when the distribution of the finances goes heavily on the woman or heavily on the man completely. There needs to be a team aspect. Yeah, both of you, okay? So there's this idea of respecting and hearing your husband and actually being humble enough to go in and say, hey, maybe I can learn something from him too, right? And then on the flip side, too, if your husband is leaving it all up to you and he's being passive and he's not engaging it and not being proactive and you feel all alone, then he does need a step up, right? Do you understand what I'm saying? Like, it has to be a 50-50, you guys.

You both have to go into this conversation and into this part of your marriage together as a team. It is so, so crucial. Now, will one of you be more excited to do this? Absolutely. That's what we're talking about, the nerd and the free spirit. that is very real, very, very real. But I want it to be this idea that, hey, we are together in this. And it's not one person stuck in this tunnel doing everything and making every decision,

either because they're intimidated. The other person, you know, maybe says, I don't want to engage. I don't want to go there because I don't know. Then learn. Ask questions. You need to engage. So that's my pep talk to you guys. So women out there, if you have yielded all of the decisions and everything over to your husband, engage.

Engage. Now, if you are single or you are maybe even divorced, no matter where you are, you can engage this topic. Do not be scared. Do not give the responsibility to somebody else. Okay, say, hey, I want to step up and I want to learn. I want to know what's going on. Okay, so guys, here are two things you can do. If you feel in the dark when it comes to your money, because either someone else is taking care of it or you just don't even want to know, here are two things I want you to do today to feel more empowered. Okay. Number one is a budget. I know I always talk about it, but I'm serious. you need to do a budget. Download every dollar, get Excel out, I don't care. And if you're married, you guys do it together.

And that's going to include looking back at your bank statements and your bank account. It's going to know how much debt you have and how much, you know, your payments are. If you have debt, it's going to give you this financial picture of what's going on. And if you're married, I want you guys to do it together. If you are divorced or if you are a single, find a friend, someone that you know is wise. And you're like, hey, I want to bounce some ideas off of you. Just have that person in your life that you can talk to. even show them numbers, ask questions, get their feedback. So that is one. Now, the second thing I

want you to do is write down three questions you have around your specific money situation that you've always wondered. And it could be, hmm, I wonder how much are in our investments. Do we have investments? Do we have life insurance? How much is in that? Like, I don't care what it is, but just three questions around money that normally you would ask yourself, but then you would answer in your head, oh, I'm sure it's fine. They've taken care of it. I don't need to know. If that's how you've answered, I want you to actually ask the question, say it out loud because I want you to have the information. So it's a way to engage and it's not scary. I know all this can feel a little intimidating and it's not. It's not. And I'm not even telling you that you have to love this stuff. I'm not telling you to become the nerd.

You don't have to get excited about Excel sheets and all of that. You know, you just have to have the information because here's the deal to if you are married and something happens to your spouse and they're the ones that know everything and you guys haven't talked about it and something happens you're in the dark you have no clue what to do so it's just a wise move to be engaged not only for your marriage sake but also for the future just to know what's going on so i really do push in ask the questions and do a budget now if all of this has kind of sparked your interest then i would really encourage you to check out the 15 practical budgeting tips or the five money mistakes that are destroying your finances. And I'll leave a link in the show notes. So share this with

someone. If you know someone in your life that is overwhelmed or maybe there's someone that stays in the dark when it comes to their money and they don't engage the subject, maybe this episode will encourage them. I'm really excited about this episode because I have one of the people in my life that I just think is wonderful. She is the one and only Jenny Allen, a dear friend. And the fact that we get to hang out when it comes to work is just the cherry on top. So she is a New York Times bestselling author, an incredible Bible teacher. And she is the founder and visionary of the if gathering.

I tell everyone my joke is always, I'm like, I always will call someone a friend under one, like, one filter. And that is if I have your cell phone number. So, yeah. We are friends. We are friends. And actually see each other. Well, and have had slumber parties. So I think that officially makes us very good.

We have had slumber parties. That is true. That is true. So great. Well, I'm pumped to have you on because your new book, I mean, it's just, it's done incredible, Jenny. Like, it's been so fun to be able to watch it. And it's called It Find Your People Building Deep Community in a Lonely World. And I remember having you on.

You were on this show, I guess it's probably been about a year and a half. And it was kind of during the pandemic when Get Out of Your Head, your book about anxiety. launched right alongside a pandemic, which was perfect timing. And now we're coming almost kind of out of a pandemic. And the stats, which you know this better than I do, of loneliness and depression, all of it is just skyrocketed. And so this book has come out. So I just want to know what was the big motivation? What was your heart behind saying, okay, this is the book that needs to be next? Well, I look really smart or prophetic because both were timed so well. But no, this was all planned, you know, many, many years ago. I planned to write this book. I saw, I was actually

traveling in Uganda and I saw two women that were walking down to get water and they were together with their big buckets on their head and they were giggling like little schoolgirls. And I was so jealous. I thought that looks fun. And I know that that is a terrible thing to say because they're having to take care of their families and water is such an issue for the day. But there was something in their eyes that I was craving. And there was something. in their posture and their connection with each other. And so fast forward a few years, we moved to Dallas and we're starting to rebuild a life pretty much from scratch in Dallas, Texas with four kids and just needing to all six of us

make friends. And so I just thought, I'm going to do this better. I'm going to look at how people have lived throughout history and see if there's a better way to make friendships. And so sure enough, there is. We are not very good at it in the West. and I've learned so much, and I really do believe I have some of the richest, deepest friendships I've ever had in my life right now.

Okay, so compare and contrast for me, just like, we'll go stereotype. We won't like, we'll just kind of say the stereotype friend in America today, where people are like, yes, I have friends. What is that versus what you're talking about when it comes to literally living in deep community, people where you are known. Talk about, like, kind of that contrast. Let me start with what I saw in the villages, and then I think the obvious difference will appear.

So when I go to any village in a third world country and you come to the little places where they live and you come into the town center or the village center, there's usually a fire there. There usually is a place to do their wash there together. There's no doors on many of the huts. They are raising their kids together. There's kids everywhere.

You see a great sense of communal parenting happening where those kids will get, yelled out by people that aren't their parents. You see also just this sense of shared mission that they're surviving together. And so there's a required sense of dependence on each other. I remember one village we visited. Our friends had sent ahead some clothes. They'd sent it to specifically a family that they were connected to.

And all of the village was wearing the clothes they'd sent because, you know, that family just passed it out. They didn't even consider, gosh, this was for us. This was a gift to us. They just knew, hey, other people need things. And so there's really, truly, very little that we are similar to in that. And, you know, I wanted something more when I landed in Dallas. I wanted to feel a sense of regular connection, daily connection with people. And that was going to take changing everything the way that I had friended in the past,

which, let's contrast. So typically, if we see people, it's planned a month in advance, a week in advance, set at a certain time, at a certain place. Rarely would we just show up or pop into a friend's house. We would have a lot of work going back and forth to even agree on a time that we could do it. There would never be a sense of wanting to burden or bother anyone. We are not quick to borrow anything, more or less, you know, ask someone for help. And so we would never intrude on someone's parenting.

We would never intrude in somebody's door staff. You know, that's just not how we do it. We have gates. We have fences. we have alarm systems. Like, we are protective. And so everything about it's differently. And my friend that's a pastor in Rwanda, he said, you know, the more money people get,

the more isolated they become. And that's even true for him. He said of people I see in Rwanda, when they get more money, they're able to build the fences and all that. And I'm certainly not saying that we have to, you know, pursue poverty to experience this. But I do believe that we have to overcome our fears of needing each other. And we have to overcome our fears of initiating. and looking for those people that are really approximate to us, that live close to us,

and begin to reframe the way that we're actually involving ourselves in each other's lives. Yeah, and I think that's an interesting point, because I've even found even recently just realizing things about myself where independence is so applauded. And there's elements of it that are fine, right? For sure. But, man, it is the thing that people just will clap for you, that you did this on your own and all of this. And so not only does that eliminate a level of a God moment, right, of like, yeah, you're not doing it on your own strength. But also for yourself, there's an isolation there that I am doing it on my own versus having people around me to do life with.

So you give really practical tools and steps and examples in the book about what this looks like. Like real life community, like what you're explaining, do you have just like maybe two, three examples of like, hey, here's an example of what you could do? to get a taste of what you're talking about. So one of the first things I did when I moved to Dallas was I started praying for five friends within five miles. And this actually came from Italy. I walked in a grocery store there in a little bitty village and everybody stopped and they were like,

who are these strangers in our little bitty village that wasn't very touristy? And it bothered me. I was like, gosh, I want to be able to see friends at the grocery store. I wanted to be able to run into people. So I really prayed. We moved near our family. We moved just a few blocks from my husband's family. and we really made intentional effort to find friendships near to us.

Now, that doesn't mean that I don't still have, like you, many, many friends across, all spread out. Those are still some very rich, deep friendships. But we need those people that can come over on a Tuesday night and say, hey, you don't seem okay. What is wrong with you? Like, get dressed. We're going out.

Like, you just need those people that are going to invade your life and bring you a casserole, right? Like the good old days. And when something goes wrong. And so my real first thing, the most practical thing is look for who's already around you. Who is walking their dog in front of your house? And it doesn't have to be exactly same life stage, exactly same age. Just look for people that you're going to naturally run into because what I talk about in the book is really building a community, a village, not just finding your two to

three to four best friends, although that is a part of this. And we all need that inner circle of people to share our lives with. But we're also, we're looking for something bigger than that. We're looking for the network of people around us that are going to help us make decisions and parent and know you know, if we're single, to be a part of their families, if we're married to help us when we're in a big fight. Like, we're looking for more than just two to three people that we can confide in. We're looking for people to do life with. And so that's a really different way to look at living. And yet, I think we're coming out of a season where people are craving that. And so practically speaking, look for who's around you and then awkwardly initiate.

And that is the hardest part for people, right? They don't want to bother people. And so they don't initiate. they've initiated a lot of times in the past and they don't feel like it's gone well. And I hear that story all the time and I just want to say that's real. People are more isolated than they've ever been and they've even forgotten what it's like to just have dinner with people. So doing this right now, especially in the environment that we're all living in, is extra tender and we have to be extra brave. But the good news is everybody's lonely.

So we're looking at the numbers prior to the pandemic, three and five were lonely. So after the pandemic, we've got to see numbers four and five, five. and five. So you can just about count on the fact that the people you're going to pursue are lonely too. And so don't be afraid to be obnoxious. Just be like, you are going out with me and I don't care. You're not staying home and watching Netflix. Just fight for people to spend time with you. And that's going to take effort on our part. And I know everybody's tired and it's asking a lot, but I promise you it's worth it. And that connection that you'll find on the other side, you wouldn't trade it for anything. And so I guess there's part of this that I'm saying,

trust me, you need this, you actually want this, and it will change your life in the best ways. I mean, this is living. Like relationships, that is life, right? We all need this. Absolutely. And so when I talk about money on this end, I'm always like, hey, do this journey with people. Yes, with your spouse if you're married, but find people that are doing the same thing. Yes.

And walk this journey. So how, what would you say to someone that you're like, okay, that you see, you Jenny Allen, see the importance, even when it comes to money, parenting, merit, all of these buckets of our lives, that it is so key to have people. So talk about the richness and what comes out of that for these parts of your life. So we're in a small group right now.

I have more than that small group of friends that make up my village, but that small group of friends I'm accountable to, right? Like I'm telling them what's happening in every part of my life. One thing we do is we bring our finances to each other. Now, this is the most radicals. You've told me this before, which I've been. I know. I know. It's crazy. We bring our numbers, right? We bring not just our percentages,

what we give and all that. We bring actually, like, this is how much income we have coming in. This is how much we have going out. This is these categories. They see how much we spend on everything. I got a hard time for my closed budget last year. I was like, it's post-COVID and I have a lot of events. But anyway, they're giving me a hard time. And I love it because they're not legalistic, right? These are people that just want me and Zach to live faithfully. And they don't want, the reason that I'm taken out of ministry and life to be my finances. And so they're going to be protective of us. They're going to look at how we spend our money and go, you know what, that's not wisdom for five years from now. And where's the college money going to come from? And where's this?

So they ask questions. It's the scariest thing before I did it. And I would say it's the most beneficial thing since. I mean, of all the things we do in community, finances actually are the most helpful and beneficial. Because we don't feel alone. We don't feel guilty if we spend money on something because they've really screened it and asked us the questions. You know, how does this help build the kingdom? It's not just like your selfish desire. It's like, how are you going to use your home to help build the kingdom? And so we're looking at our finances from a lens of, are we going to be able to stand by this in heaven? That's really how we view it. And so I do believe there is such a conviction that grows in us as we walk

together with other people. But I don't think, to answer your question, I don't think there's a part of life we should ever do alone. I don't see, other than spending time with Jesus alone, some resting, right? You should, even as a single or even as an introvert, you should be putting people in your life at every turn. It is just not the way anyone has lived prior to the industrial revolution throughout the history of mankind. So, I mean, I don't know, this is some big experiment we're in the midst of right now, not just technology, although that's part of it. It's this idea that we can do anything alone because that's not how people have thought and it's certainly not how people of faith think. Yep. So when you are in community with people, what do you do and you disagree? Like if something

comes up, right? Never happens. Never happens. We always agree on everything. Whether it's a parenting style or maybe, you know, one person's like, no, I'm trying to get out of debt. I'm sacrificing where everyone else is like, oh, no, I'm okay with, you know, this level of debt, whatever it is, right? So you could put in any subject. What do you do? Well, I think it depends on how big a deal it is, right? there have been times that our group has faced something where we think this is a pretty big deal. And what's cool about the group is we all have chosen to be there, right? Like we're all signed up for this way of life. And so we're asking people to speak into our lives.

We're not just surprised. Like we're not showing up and going, oh gosh, this is shocking that they're bringing this up. You know, no, we're expecting it. And one of the five patterns of deep relationships I talk about in the book is accountability, which I think probably was the most surprising to people because most people don't have it. And yet it actually builds the deepest friendships because, and then, of course, the next one is consistency and staying even after you get in a fight, right? So you got to, you, it's just kind of inevitable. It's a progress of deep friendship that you will have conflict. And so that idea that you're

going to hold each other accountable and at some point you're going to, your flesh probably often, you're going to push back against it. You're going to go, no, I don't, I'm not comfortable with that or I am comfortable with that and I don't want to listen to you. And I think that's where we just have a lot of grace for each other. One time someone went against what, some, the majority of the group felt, and they made a decision. And we were, you know, we all got on board and we supported them. And what's awesome is that was actually a good decision. Over time, it's proven to be a great decision.

And so, you know, we weren't sure they had enough to buy a house, but they did. And it was close, but they did it and they went for it. And we all prayed over that house and we all helped them move into that house and we supported that decision. And then later, it really was a good decision. So, you know, we're not perfect. We're not sitting there. I think there's wisdom and counseling.

and many voices, but we're not sitting there lording over people and, like, going to beat them up if they don't do what we think, you know. So good. Lots of grace. Lots of grace. So you mentioned technology, which I do want to touch on because social media obviously has become like this huge thorn in the flesh of everything in life, I feel like, sometimes.

And so how has that played a role in a negative way? And then what are ways that you see, okay, you can actually use it and have, you know, I don't know, you can use it as a tool in a healthy way. So there's like there's the unhealthy and the healthy. So what have you found that balance when it comes to having deep community? Yeah. I mean, let's be real. This is a, this could be a place of deep connection.

It has been for all of us for the last few years because we couldn't, you know, we depended on Zoom to talk to anybody to see our families, right? Like I'm so grateful for FaceTime and for Zoom. And even social media, so much of what I get to do is through digital technology. I'm so grateful for it. I run an entire ministry that is digital technology. It's what we do. We resource people out there.

But let me say this. Digital technology should serve our in-person relationships. So when I'm sending something out through technology, I'm trusting and hoping, even my books that people are going to gather together and discuss them, that they're going to gather together and experience that content together. I tell people on my podcast all the time, get your people together and have a discussion around this. We provide tools for them to talk about these things.

everything I do through digital technology is to give tools and resource people that are working through life together, hopefully in person. I think the opposite is what's happened, though. We largely have depended on digital technology to source our relationships rather than digital technology to be a gift and make our in-person relationship stronger and better. And so I always just say, you know, you can have both. You really can. but you've got to prioritize, you're going to end up prioritizing one.

And my plea would be to prioritize your real life in person relationships because who's going to be there for you when the, you know what, hits the van. You're going to need, you get that diagnosis. When you find out something happened to one of your children, when you go through a really difficult season in your marriage, like who you're going to want to reach out to is going to be the people that can run over and see you and walk through that with you. And so I just hope and believe we're at a point where all of us see that we need this and we'll prioritize it.

For sure. Oh, it's so good. I feel like you just speak so much life into it because we are craving it as a culture. And then there are people that are just like literally, they probably feel stuck when it comes to relationships and friendships and all of that. And it seems like, too, the older you get,

the harder it can be at times, right? Because you're used to going through elementary school, middle school, high school, college. It gets more awkward. And then when you're plucked out into the world, it is. So anyone listening to that encouragement that Jenny gives, I mean, seriously, you guys, do it. live in a level of community that you are known and that you can do life with.

Because it does, it changes your perspective. It changes your quality of life. So I love it so much, Jenny. And the fact that you wrote a book on it, it's so good. Okay, before we close up, the one question I always ask everyone on an interview and it can be something big, something small, doesn't matter. But what's one thing that you're doing with money that is creating a life that you love? Well, I'll just have to go with this theme.

I think being in community around our finances is the greatest decision we've ever made. And I'm just so grateful for people that help us get more creative. I mean, to see the vision of other people and how they tie and how they give away money, it has been so inspiring. And my husband and I, because of that, are giving away more money than we ever have because we watch other people do it and it becomes contagious. So don't be afraid to do this. Gather some safe friends and try it.

It's scary and risky, but I promise you it could change everything. So good. Oh, I love it. All right, you guys, find your people. You can pick up this book, wherever, are sold and where can everyone find you, Jenny? Yeah, you can go to jennie allen.com, J-E-N-N-I-E-A-L-L-E-N.com. So great.

Jenny, thanks so much. I so appreciate you and all the work that you do. I love having you on. So thanks for being here. Thanks, Rachel. All right, so one thing I am loving right now, I have this brush. I think it's from like Sally's or something. You probably even get off Amazon.

So cheap, like a couple bucks, but it's called Amped Up teasing brush. And it's just the perfect, I don't know, consistency. the bristles. I don't know what makes it special, but it's my favorite. I literally have like four of them around my house because it's my go-to brush. And it's one of the things I'm like, yeah, if I need a little umph, little jizz in the old roots of the hair, this brush just does magic. It's great. And it's really inexpensive. All right. One thing I am learning right now. Man, I don't know. I grew up in the church. I don't know if you guys grew up in church, but I'm like, you hear the same message, you know, sometimes like over and over and over. And then some days, sometimes, sometimes.

seasons of life, certain ages, it just hits you differently. And I finished a book for the second time called The Cure. And it's just the reminder that I need constantly that out of a relationship with Jesus, loving him, being with him, it truly has to start. Like the foundation of it starts with knowing that he when 1,000% accepts you with who you are, everything you've done, everything you're going to do, that if we truly believe that he loves us, like the thought that he loves us no matter what, even to the point, I don't even know if this is theologically correct, but even to the point of like, yeah, what if we didn't even choose to change? Would he still love us? Does his grace cover that much? And out of that, identifying with that, and out of knowing that

and who we are, is then where we long to be with him. And then we long for heart change. And then we long to spend time with him. And it's out of that. But so much I get it switched so often where I'm like, oh, I need to do that, and I should be doing that and this and this and this and this. And then I really like get close to him. But just understanding the foundation of the root of him loving us and us trusting that love out of that so much is our walk with him. So that is a reminder constantly. And if you've not read the book, The Cure just continues to reinstate it.

And it's so good. So good for the soul, a message I feel like I need to hear constantly. So hopefully, whether you are spiritual or not that just encourages you. that you do. There's a God out there that regardless of who you are and what you've done, he loves you. He really does. All right, I want to thank Jenny Allen for being a guest on the show. I want to thank you guys so much for listening. And if you have not hit that follow button to subscribe to the Rachel Cruz podcast, make sure to do that. And if the spirit leads, you can leave a review. And as always, make sure to take control of your money and create a life you

love.