The Rachel Cruze Show - What REALLY Matters During Christmas with Lisa and John Bevere

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

Lisa and John Bevere join Rachel to reflect on the things that will make your family Christmas meaningful—like being together, creating traditions, and giving generously. MessengerInternational.org   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The one thing that will rob joy quicker than anything else is anxiety. And the Bible doesn't suggest it commands us to cast all of our care. Be anxious, be careful for nothing. Hey, everyone. Welcome to this episode of the Rachel Crewe Show podcast. I'm so glad that you're here. And it is the week of Christmas. Definitely my favorite holiday.

Hopefully a lot of your favorite holiday too because it's just so fun. It's so great. Christmas lights. Some of you have snow. It's just so festive. I love it. And for this podcast, I wanted to do something a little different because I had a great conversation with Lisa and John Brevere. And we just talked about the importance of all of these roles that we have to play in our lives during the holiday season. So whether it's a husband, a wife, a parent, a daughter, a son, there's so much weight to all of these roles,

I feel like, and the expectations of whichever role you're in in the moment. And so our conversation was just fantastic. So this is an extended cut of our conversation that I wanted to share with you from beginning to end. So take a listen. Guys, thanks for being here. Much of pleasure.

It is. Well, as we were talking about this and just kind of looking at, okay, right before Christmas, what do I want to talk about on the show? And I was like, I just want a little bit of calm and the sanity of life.

And I've just known you guys hearing parenting things you guys have talked about. I've heard you guys talk on marriage, all of this. So let's talk about the holidays. those people watching that are feeling the stress and the tension of having to balance all the relationships in the world. Do you feel like you guys have experienced that in the past?

And have you found somewhat of a way to navigate that? Yeah, I think it's really important that you establish traditions. And that's something that Lisa has been so good in doing. Yeah, well, I mean, I think first and foremost that we can let commercialism and the stress of it just push us out of control. And all of our kids, we're just going to remember the shopping. My grandson, my daughter-in-law captured a video of him in the backseat when she was running all these Christmas errands and he was saying,

I hate Christmas. This is so much fun. You know, we don't want our children to hate Christmas because we're stressed out parents. You know, we want them to enjoy it. And so I think you have to really guard the expectations and guard the atmosphere. And one of the things is our family, we love music. So we're going to start the Christmas music nonstop day after Thanksgiving. I will not do it before Thanksgiving.

You won't do it before. No, I won't. This year after Halloween, I was like, do it all. She will not decorate. We can't play music. Here's a strict rule. No movies. No watching Elfin until Thanksgiving's over.

Because I love Thanksgiving. So, yeah, fully immersed into that season. And then, you know, kind of know what you want that day to look like. So it doesn't just take you captive. And there's certain things that we found are really important to our boys. and then things that weren't. Yes. And why spend the time and energy and the stress

on the things that aren't even important to your children? I'm going to be 100% honest with you. My youngest son, who is 27, was really upset that I didn't do a gingerbread house last year. That's a true story. 27-year-old man. He's 6'4-3 and weighs 200. And he's married.

He's been married for three years. He's like, wait, you're not doing it. So I didn't even host Christmas last year. So it was just like, why is this? not here. So I think having those conversations, what's really important. Gingerbread, obviously, is important in our house. And we have the certain thing every single Christmas morning. I do this big souffle and we have grape fruit. So it's a grape fruit and then it's the suflay and then you do cinnamon buns. And it's been that way every single. There's a lot of carbs.

I also think there might be a pancake. It's delicious. Fresh squeezed orange juice that I have to squeeze. And we know what we're doing. I mean, night before I try to read the Christmas story, I It doesn't always happen, but that's where we begin it. We don't open gifts on Christmas Eve. And I think the funnest thing about our Christmas is to watch how our boys matured. And let me give you an example. First of all, opening presents now takes about four hours at our household. Some of our daughter-laws aren't particularly happy about that.

Both of us grew up in families where everybody just ripped everything open, and we wanted to celebrate giving. So at first, what we said is the youngest boy gets to open first, and it goes to the oldest in the house. Well, one year, they all four came to us and they said, we don't want to open the first gift. We want to give the first gift. And I can honestly say, and I'm not saying this because I'm on camera,

this is the true story. Our sons enjoy giving gifts more than they enjoy getting gifts. And you can really see it, by the way, the creativity that goes into it, like scavenger huts that go into it and all of that. And to me, that was very rewarding to see children that enjoyed giving more than they enjoyed receiving. Okay, so that's a great point because I think for a lot of people watching, they may have little ones running on. What were the things,

were you guys intentional with establishing a spirit around your house that allowed for that giving to come out? Because I think for a lot of parents, like, oh my gosh, my kid just, we opened Christmas presents, and they're like, is that it, mom and dad? Like, I think parents' fear is a sense of entitlement and not gratitude. But you guys did a beautiful job, somewhat shaping it.

Yeah, so what was it? Like, when they're 10 and under, you celebrate the thought that went into the gift. Yeah, their gift giving capacity. So they're getting rewarded now for how they put thought into giving to their brother. and that starts sending them a message of, wow, it's not what I'm getting.

It's really, really cool. It's really cool what I thought of giving. Yeah, they're actually more excited about what they've planned out for their brothers. I mean, they hide in their rooms, they wrap. It's a big contest who gets the first one out. And this is still, I mean, I understand. This started when they were six. If he doesn't get the first gift that he is giving under the tree, he's going to be upset.

But back to your point, I do remember the buzz light. year, where there was a little bit of, like, one, it was a lesson learning year. Two of the boys wanted to get Buzz Light year. Only one got it. And then the one that got the other gift was a little bit less than appreciative about what he got. And I do think we used it as an object lesson. I know my parents, looking back, I got given a lunchbox when I was expecting a charm bracelet. And I remember being very upset about it.

And my mom took the lunchbox, put it on top of the refrigerator so I could see it, but he couldn't get it. And it was up there for about six months, and then one day it disappeared. And she just was like, you will learn to be appreciative. And you're always going to be thankful. So we think we just had one year that there was an object lesson with that. But because the focus wasn't on what they were going to get,

but what they were going to give, it always changed. I love that. And one year we did kind of look at our family and say, do you guys remember what you got last year? And they didn't. And so we decided to create an experience. And so it was December 19th. We had pretended like we were doing Christmas at home.

And instead they opened up a scavenger hunt and it said, pack your bags. We're leaving tomorrow. We're all going on a cruise. It was the first cruise we'd ever been on as a family. It was a ghetto cruise. I mean, the ship was going into dry dock. I mean, they thought it was massive until we pulled up next to the big shows.

Yeah, that's right. But it was a phase. We're a suspect. But they still talk about that, you know? So making memories instead of, and I think it's okay to disrupt it if you haven't actually had those things that are important. And then now we've inherited three daughter-in-loves, which is amazing, and then grandbabies. Yes. And we ask them, what does Christmas mean to you?

And they say, oh, you know, it's this particular dish or it's this thing or opening something on Christmas Eve. And so we've incorporated all of that so that our families feel like we're layering traditions rather than losing. them. That's beautiful. But, you know, Johns didn't really have that much traditions. No, we didn't. Yeah. But his mom's a little, you know, like, she just has a different style. Sure. And our family had some traditions that we brought in. And then some that were like, we're going to eliminate that. So I think one point is really great because we talk about with kids, and again, I have little, so we're still figuring out. But I'm like, you have to teach some things. When we talk about money on this show, you have to teach your kids to work. You have to teach them to

save. You have to teach them to give, how to spend why, say, all these things. Because parents are like, oh, do I have to teach my kids to give? That's always the one question I get. Do I have to teach them to give? Yes, or do I have to make them give? Do I have to make them do these things? If they're not wanting to, do I have to make them. And I'm like, well, you make them brush their teeth.

You make them do your homework. You make them do these things that allow them to be grown adults eventually in society. And so with you guys focusing on that giving portion and making them, hey, we're all going to give to each other. Instead of just receive as little kids, honestly, I think that that's like a turning point for a lot of families. And then the next level is to teach them how to be mindful of the people that are hurting in that season. Yes. And giving to the people who have far less than what they have. Yes.

And they are real givers, those guys. And, I mean, they're really manly men. I mean, all of them would snap me in, too. They're in the gym every day. And it's just wonderful to see the compassion that they have for people who are less fortunate. Yes. And so Christmas is a very painful time for a lot of people. Yes.

I know that's one thing that I try to do is any friends that may be. have lost a daughter or a loved one or something like that, try to contact them and reach out to them in that time. Because it is such a day that can be focused on what I'm going to get, what I'm going to get, instead of how can we be thankful for what Jesus did for us and how can we reflect that in the way we give to people that are in need. Yes, I love that. Okay, let's move a little bit.

You mentioned in-laws, so I thought, what encouragement, because you guys have, how many daughter-in-laws now? We have three. Three, okay. Yeah. So what are things, if someone's watching that has in-laws, right? They have kids that have married out. What are some things that they can do to create still a family unit?

And instead of their kids getting married and splintering off, what are things that you guys have done that you've found with your kids that, man, this has helped keep us bonded together during the holidays? Right. And what's something in-laws can do. Well, kind of how we've stumbled on this was the opposite was happening. So we got married and we didn't have kids up. first. So, of course, we were just traveling all the time and going to John's parents or with my mom.

And then one year, we went and everybody was kind of like, I don't want to get up tomorrow morning and open gifts. Let's just all open them tonight. And I started to think, wait a minute, I've got a little two-year-old and he's having a completely different experience than everybody else right now. I am going to change our Christmas dynamic. So I just said, John, what are the traditions that we want to have? And we're going to develop that. We'll welcome your parents into but at this season of my life, I need to have traditions that I build for my family. Now, when my daughter-in-laws came in, as I mentioned earlier, we asked them, what do you want to bring in?

What's important to you? And I think including them in that has actually made it where they're excited about being with. I was with my granddaughter yesterday, and she was so cute. She said, I told my mom, I like Thanksgiving at other people's house. but I like Bevere Christmases. I was so, I was like, hallelujah. I was so happy. And they all sleep over at my house, and we make it,

so it's not stressful on Christmas Eve. You know, we'll do like a big soup or a big chili or a big spaghetti. We go to like Christmas musical at a church. We do those kind of traditions. Everybody just is kind of chill. We might watch at Christmas Carol, something around that. And then Christmas morning. And then a whole afternoon, there's going to be people.

King pong volleyball, like those kind of things. Yes. I love that. So what encouragement do you have for someone out there that's like, gosh, I feel like I'm being pulled to my husband's parents in here and here and here. And I just want to create Christmas morning at my, like I want to start. That it's okay to set boundaries for your immediate family right now. It's okay.

Absolutely. Your mother-in-law did it. So, you know, like she got to do that. Yes. You get to do that and you can't feel guilty. Yes. You know, every generation should be adding, not feeling like it's divided. And so I want to empower the moms to say, hey, I'm going to do this and I'm going to welcome my mother-in-law.

I'm not going to cut her off or cut. But I think that your family, first and foremost, needs to have the conversation on what's important. We're Italian. So life happens around the dinner table. There was lots of conversations around these things pre-holiday. And we just would say, all right, this is gingerbread houses are important. Gingerbread cookies are important. When do you want those things?

other things, they were like, those things we don't really care about. Isn't that great? Yeah. But it's been interesting. My adult kids now are trying to figure out whether they want to do a gift exchange with each other. Yes. And it's half and half because my youngest son wants to give a gift to every single person because he wants to express what he thinks and the thought that was put into it.

And the other ones are like, we only want one gift. He's like, I'm giving everybody a gift. So it's been really cute to see that play out, even in their adulthood. I love that. Okay, so married couples out there. I feel like this can be a time that, again, you're running in separate directions, you're just doing it, you're trying to,

it almost can feel like if you're not intentional, that you're just getting through the moment. Right. So what encouragement do you have to stay connected as a married couple? And to be on the same team, because I think holidays and even money can be such a wedge with people and they end up going against each other in this time

versus walking like hand in hand saying, no, we're a team in this crazy season together. Yes. What are things they can do to stay? connected. One of the big things is financial. And you need to have a sit down talk and agree upon what you're going to set your budget for Christmas and what each child's going to get, what we're going to do here. Because then there's not a buying on the whim. Oh gosh, I just would love for my child to have that and it's $236. Right. And you really only had the budget for $100. I would look at Lisa and say,

hey, we're not going in debt over Christmas. We're not going to overspend over Christmas. I didn't tell them to say any of this, P.S. Just FYI. This is just true. No, we always had a budget, and it changed as our income changed. As our income changed. But the question that Lisa asked, before that cruise, what do you remember that you got last year? Nobody could remember anything.

So you're like, are we putting too much money in one moment? And, I mean, I'm a real stickler for living under your means and not getting in debt. And so I love what your dad does, and I love what you guys have done as an organization, because I believe people add so much stress to their life because they want something that's going to be momentarily satisfactory or actually give them a rush for a moment, and then they have to pay for it later. And so I think you can do so much with a budget if you think about it. I mean, there was a Christmas where Lisa and I, we didn't have the money to even buy gifts.

Yes, yes. We had to make things for people. But there was a lot of joy in that. Did you make anything? No, I did. No, actually, I think I might have helped you on a couple of them. I didn't. All right. Anyway.

And going back, I think you were asking about a couple, just a young couple. But on the same page financially is a great thing. It's so important. I mean, because a lot of couples get in trouble over finances. Oh, a thousand percent. Yes. It's amazing. And also not making the husband feel like he has to choose between his mom and his wife.

He needs to focus on his wife. You know, he can honor his mother, but he needs to protect and include his wife. And I strongly support that. Yes, because you guys talk a lot about marriage. So talk about a little bit that leave and cleave, right? Like how crucial it really is to a family unit that you choose each other and that the man chooses the wife and the wife.

You know what I mean? Like, talk me through some of those. It was hard on me emotionally because my family, there wasn't any divorce. My mom and dad were married 66.5 years. We were a close family. We didn't communicate like our family communicates, but we were very, very much in love with each other. But I realized on that Christmas when I was watching my parents and my family

watch a ridiculous horror movie on Christmas night, that when Lisa said that to me, it was very... I was like, I can't have this on Christmas. I had my son in the other room covering his ears while people being asked for the car. At that time, I was the only saved child of the family, okay? Yes. So all of them have been coming in, and I think only one now needs to come in. But I realize as painful as it was to realize I was, to realize I was.

was saying goodbye to a lot of familiarity, I realized that God said a man should leave his father, mother, and cleave to his wife. And there's a new family unit set up. And I just thank God for a wife who realized the importance of making daughter-in-laws feel very, very welcome and celebrated and celebrated their traditions, so they didn't feel like they were losing something.

Yes. And we have never once said to our daughter-in-laws, hey, you need to be here. They want to be at our house. We did kind of the opposite of what happened. and my family. The atmosphere was created where even as a son, I didn't want my children around that at Christmas time. And so Lisa's always created something that would make anybody want to be around it. And I think that's the important thing. And it's a little bit of that open heart

mentality, right, when you're saying, okay, we're going to choose our family, but let's figure out what do we enjoy as a family unit and the importance of us coming together. It's a big thing, because, again, people feel the expectation of others. Yeah. And that's just training. It's training after doing that for years and years and years. So before we head out, just what is something that you would just encourage people that may feel, again, whether it's the weight of schedules or the loss of hope, it's just like what we've all been through the last 24 months in life? And it just kind of feels like this like just almost an apathy to life. Like what are things that you guys can encourage anyone watching that

just needs a little bit of that, like, I don't know, that spark in life that there's hope. Well, I mean, one of the things I always think about is this idea of when David felt downcast. He said, soul, why are you downcast? Put your hope in God. So I think you have to say, where have I placed my hope? Is my hope in the past the way things used to be? Is my hope in the way I think things are going to happen? Where is my hope? And I think it's a time to redirect. It's interesting. When I was a little girl, Rachel, I was not raised Christian. I was actually raised to be an exceptional heathen. But we did a big Christmas dynamic. And whenever I would hear the song, Oh, Holy Night, that would spark this longing inside of me

where I would run into the Christmas tree, hit my face, and start weeping, and did not have any idea what was going on. So it was no longer about Christmas presents. It was about the presence. I had this awareness. And I think sometimes we lose those pauses to actually honor what is sacred in the moment and just really, honor God. I mean, it's supposed to be about Jesus's birth. And I think, you know, I was thinking again, why where that idea of it was more important to give came for our boys. You know, we didn't ever tell our boys that Santa Claus was real. I'm not shaming a bit. It did, but we did talk to our boys about St. Nicholas. We did talk to him about this man who gave gifts to the poor. And we did this little tradition where we had this rice pudding, where you put an almond in one

of them. And the person that gets the almond, I think they open the first gift or they talk about something. I can't remember what it was. And I think those kind of constant reminders of being mindful of others changed everything. And I think anytime I'm thinking about me, what I didn't get, what I don't have anymore, who I've lost, I'm always going to be downcast. But if I'm mindful of others, everything shifts for me. Yeah. And I'm going to, Lisa speaks to the hope. I'm going to speak to the joy. The one thing that will rob joy quicker than anything else is anxiety. And the Bible doesn't suggest it commands us to cast all of our care. Be anxious, be careful for nothing. And in Proverbs, I just was listening to it this morning as I was driving. It says

that an anxious heart will rob and steal a person of joy. And so I'd say as you go into this Christmas season, if you have expectations of how things are going to run, how you want them to be, and they don't get met, it could steal your joy really quick. Anxiety of, oh my gosh, I don't have all my presents done, that could steal your joy. Protect your joy because the joy of the Lord is your strength. Yes. So if you want strength to get through this season, enjoying it, right? Yes.

Keep and protect your joy. Protect your hope and protect your joy. And you'll do that by loving people, not seeking what you can get out of this Christmas season. So beautiful. And here's a very easy, easy thing for every mom to do. When you got Littles running around, I found out if I turned off all the lights. No, I'm serious. If there's limited lighting, there's a Christmas tree and a couple candles, they immediately calm down.

And they remember this whole magical feel of Christmas lights and candles, but it was really all a setup to get them to calm down. I did candlelight dinners with my boys all the time because they immediately hushed. And so I think this is a season. Again, they're not going to remember what they did. got as a gift, but they will remember how they felt about that season. And if you can create peace in the middle of chaos, instead of contributing to it in your home, we all have found out you can survive any storm outside of your house as long as there isn't a storm inside of your house. So just really guarding that piece, I think, is really crucial. Oh, I love it, you guys.

Thank you for coming on. It's a pleasure. Again, all your wisdom that you guys have that you're able to bring to so many people again that sometimes feel like we don't have the way. And thank you for how you've helped so many families. Your family is really beautiful. Thank you so much. I so appreciate you guys. And where can people find you that want to hear more? Messenger X.

MessengerX is our app. And Messenger.com. Messenger international.com is our website. So great. So you guys, make sure to check out everything they're doing again. So much wisdom on all things life. We just touched on a few today. But make sure to check out everything the Proveors are doing.

They're just wonderful. So thanks again, you guys. Thank you. Oh, Lisa and John. They're just, they're amazing. absolutely amazing and the wisdom they bring. It's just, it's incredible. So I just want to thank them for being on.

I hope you guys enjoyed that conversation. And I hope you guys have a very Merry Christmas. Again, hopefully this is a week. You get to spend with family and friends and relax and enjoy this time of the year because it is always so fun and so joyful and merry all the Christmas music playing. So I hope you guys have a very Merry Christmas.

and thank you so much for listening to this episode. And if you've not hit that subscribe button, make sure to do that. And if the spirit leads, you can always leave a review. And as always, make sure to take control of your money and create a life you love.