The Ramsey Show - Money Is About More Than Math, You Can’t Put Peace Into a Formula

Episode Date: November 1, 2024

📱Watch the full episode for free in the Ramsey Network app. Rachel Cruze & Dr. John Delony answer your questions and discuss: "Is it wrong to not let family borrow our car?" "Is it okay to buy gifts while paying off debt?" "Why shouldn't I get a 30-year mortgage?" "Should I "call it quits" with my husband?" "I feel guilty charging my sons rent" Support Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp 🏥 Learn more about Christian Healthcare Ministries 🏡 Get started today with Churchill Mortgage 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe 🏦 Go to FAIRWINDS Credit Union for an exclusive account bundle! 🥗 Save 15% on your first Field of Greens order with code RAMSEY 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 💻 Visit NetSuite today to learn more 🗂️ Use promo code RAMSEY for18% off at The Nokbox 🏛 Get started with YRefy or call 844-2-RAMSEY 🔐 Visit Zander Insurance for your free instant quote today! Next Steps 📞 Have a question for the show? Call 888-825-5225 Weekdays from 2-5pm ET or click here! 📈 Are you on track with the Baby Steps? Get a Free Personalized Plan 🏖️ For help with investing, get connected with a SmartVestor Pro. 🎄You could win $5,000 in the Ramsey Christmas Cash Giveaway! Enter today! 🎟️ Reserve your seat for Summit 2025 today! ❤️ Get tickets to our NEW Money & Marriage Date Night virtual event 💵 Start your free budget today. Download the EveryDollar app! Listen to more from Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show   🧠 The Dr. John Delony Show 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions is a paid, non-client promoter of SmartVestor Pros. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Hey guys, this Christmas we're giving away cash. So enter the Ramsey $5,000 Christmas cash giveaway for your chance to win big this holiday season. Go to ramsysolutions.com slash giveaway to enter now. Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, it's the Ramsey Show where we help people build wealth, do work that they love, and create amazing relationships. I am Rachel Cruz hosting this hour with my good friend and best-selling author, Dr. John Deloney, and we'll be answering your questions all about life, money, relationships, anything and everything. So give us a call at 888-825-5225. We're going to start off with

Greg in Houston, Texas. Hey, Greg, welcome to the show. Hello, thanks for having me. Absolutely. How can we help? So my wife and I ran into a situation with family and we wanted to know if we are wrong or selfish for not allowing our family members to come and use our vehicle for two weeks in conjunction with their holiday visit plan. God, what a jerk, Greg. What a jerk, Greg.

No. He's kidding. Yeah, I'm totally kidding. Why would you think you're in the wrong there? Well, we live far away. They haven't seen us in a while. We have a new baby due and all of those are kind of some of the circumstances that led us to feel bad because we do want to see them, but it was contingent on. How did they approach it?

Was it that they're flying in and they don't want to rent a car for two weeks or what what's the what's the scenario yes it was a little bit of like their financial planning and they said hey we want to come see you and we're gonna fly in we'll spend a couple days for you but if it's okay no worries if it's not but we would like to use your vehicle for a couple weeks to go around the state of Texas, see other family, and then we'll bring it back and then leave for a little bit and fly back to their home. And my wife had to call with her family and immediately said, we really don't feel comfortable, but I'll talk to Granigan C.

And ultimately we were very aligned, but it put her in that awkward position. We're not gonna see family for the holidays with the new baby. Oh so but they said they said since since we can't borrow your car for our Texas tour we're not coming at all forget you guys? Correct. Well dude that's all you need to know. Well because they can't afford I guess to, to... They can afford to come visit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they can't...

But they're not going to come if they can't turn it into like a multi-family tour. Right. And you're not going to foot the bill for their vehicle. Right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, you're good, Greg. And let me... I hate that it does make you feel like...

I understand even the question, Greg, because I probably would feel that way. I'm like it does make you feel like it. I understand even the question, Greg, because I probably would feel that way. I'm like, golly, I feel bad. My wife is literally due a week from today. So he was hoping that we'd see family during the holiday. And so it made her stressed out and we were aligned. But we just now we're like, well, we made the decision and they said, well, we're not going to be able to come. And we just wanted to double check. and we felt like the answer you gave us was right But you know, there's still that feeling of like man. We really wish we could have done something different but yeah, I guess what I really wish is I really wish a

Her parents or her family wanted to actually see this newborn. They don't. They wanted to use this newborn as an excuse to come to town so they could take a tour. The whole thing's just silly. But the meta here is, and by the way, you're gonna face this for the rest of your time together, different family members who wanna use you guys for their different expectations or their different pictures

of what they want their life to look like. Just make peace with whatever boundary feels right to you guys, y'all get to do that. And whether I think it's stupid or Rachel thinks it's stupid, it doesn't matter and it's what works for you guys. And almost every boundary comes with a cost. Yeah. It just stinks sometimes, man.

I hate it for you. Well, and I think it would be another thing, Greg, if they're like, hey, we're coming in, you know, one of the evenings we're gonna drive and see some of our friends, whatever, whatever down the street, can we use your car for that night? You know what I mean?

Oh, of course. If it's like a 24 hour, I don't know, but for a week? Two weeks, two weeks. Yeah, five days and beyond, you're like, no, like we need our car. Yeah. And we're actually

plugging along with our baby steps and our both of our cars are paid off and they have mine has over 200,000 my wife says over a hundred thousand so they're they're due for like maintenance and we're like we don't even really drive our cars like that so right right we're just worried like if there is a maintenance issue and now we're working on our emergency savings build up now we're gonna have to offset that and obviously if they didn't have the funds to get a rental themselves they're not gonna be paying us for any yeah but Greg this isn't about a rental car yeah because it's not like Rachel said it's not like they were gonna fly there and

they just needed a car to get around town because then I would tell you dude you have two cars and your wife's not driving anywhere. Let them borrow your car. This is, they wanted to use your home as a landing place for them to take a two week tour around the state. And for those who don't know, Texas, you can drive 14 hours one direction and not get from one side to the other, right? It's-

And not see anyone in the process. Yeah, so it's not like you're going to like Rhode Island and you can you can make a lap around the whole state in an hour or two. This is like major travel, thousands of miles you're going to put on the car. I guess I want you guys to internalize they aren't not coming because they can't afford a rental car. They're not coming because you would not let them use your house as a landing pad for a big two-week vacation. And that's something to grieve. Yes. Right. Did your wife call them and say, are y'all seriously not coming to see the birth of your new grandchild?

No, she has not done that. I'd recommend that. Additional conversation. Okay. I'd recommend it because here's why. Sometimes people put a boundary down and they get stuck and then people respond to that boundary and they get stuck. And then you got two people making up stories about the other side of that boundary and it's hard to go find an olive branch. And I always want to know if I have a boundary and somebody responds poorly to it, I always want to make sure that they are responding in the way that I'm the story I'm making up about them. Right. Right. So are you guys really not gonna come because of a car? Are y'all really not gonna come because you can't turn this into a two-week vacation? I just want to clarify. You don't want to

see the birth of your first grandkid because of this. Is that what we're doing? And let them be adults and respond back. And it's not a guilt trip on them. It's a clarification. Yeah, it's a clarification so that you Greg and your wife can get the full information from their side to say, okay, no, that's really what they're, yeah. I mean, as they stumble through figuring out their response to it, it's, yeah, it gives you a level of clarity and a piece in the puzzle in this kind of conflict situation to say, okay, this is the truth and this is what I'm hearing It gives you a level of clarity and a piece in the puzzle in this kind of conflict situation to say, okay, this is the truth and this is what I'm hearing

from them and now I can take it and say goodnight. Yeah, I was recently talking to a young professional and they got crossed with a really close friend and that really close friend bombed a bunch of text messages in a way that was out of character. And that person was clearly going through something else. And then there was kind of a caustic, like no-fly zone. And it got awkward and weird.

And then this young professional was like, oh, they told me I don't wanna talk ever again. So I get that. This is your best friend. This is your old friend. It's been two or three weeks, send a message that just says you miss them and if they're ever ready to talk. Cause it gives them a chance to go, okay,

dude, I had a bad night. I sent a bunch of crazy things. I hung up the phone. I got mad, give them a path back. And if they then don't respond, then all of your story, your stories appeared at the end of it. You got to grieve it and you got to go move on from there. Yeah. Okay. And 20 seconds, John, talk through setting up a boundary with families. Cause holidays are coming up. Yes. What is it? Written down, clear, how you communicate. In the Delaney house, we write them down and we email them.

By the way, there is a trend now, which is to cut off all family for any mean thing they said 25 years ago. If at all possible, if you can go see your family, be with your family. If you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself, don't go to abusive situations of course, but if they have different politics in you or they eat weird food, go see your families for crying out loud and just know it's not going to be perfect. That's good. This is The Ramsey Show. Hey guys, I've never done this before, but I'm partnering with a nutrition company, Field of Greens. Each fruit and vegetable in Field of

Greens is selected by doctors to support heart, liver, and kidney health, plus metabolism for healthy weight. And your doctor will notice your improved health or Field of Greens will give you your money back. I can get behind a promise like that. Go to fieldofgreens.com slash Ramsey and get 15% off with promo code Ramsey. fieldofgreens.com slash Ramsey and get 15% off with promo code Ramsey field of greens dot com slash Ramsey so the holiday season is here officially we are in November I'm about to I'm about to put up my Christmas tree all next weekend I can't wait is that like a

controversy oh yeah yeah some people are like the anti before Thanksgiving oh yeah yeah you hate gratitude. I forgot about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not your thing. Just hate Thanksgiving. That's right. Now the holiday season is here

and we're kicking things off with something really special that will brighten your Christmas. We are launching the Ramsey $5,000 Christmas cash giveaway. So this is your chance to win some cash this holiday season. So you can enter daily for a shot to win one of our $500 weekly prizes or the grand prize of $5,000.

Go to ramsesolutions.com slash giveaway to enter. And while you're there, make sure to check out our 50 days of Christmas deals. So you can save up to 30% on all the gifts that we have. Right? There's so many things you can buy people, but buy things that actually have a purpose. Don't buy junk this year. Buy things that can help people transform their homes.

That's right. This is it. Some fan favorites, like the Total Money Makeover, Financial Peace Kids, a bunch of stuff there. So again, go to ramsysolutions.com slash store, or click the link in the description if you're listening on YouTube or podcasts. But again, to enter the giveaway every day,

you can enter at ramsysolutions.com slash giveaway. Go get it guys. Up next we have Jasmine in Long Island, New York. Hey Jasmine, welcome to the show. Hi Rachel, hi John, how are you guys? Good. Doing great, how can we help? I have a budgeting

question. So right now with the holidays coming up and in my life all the birthdays just pop up from September to December but I'm also on baby stuff too. So I'm really just trying my question is how do I budget for stuff like that if I know it should be good though in ten So I don't know if I shouldn't be putting my thoughts into that and just not, not be budgeting or at all. So I'm not really entirely sure what to do. Um, yeah, I'm 32,000 in debt and I make around 70. I don't, I don't pay any rent or anything like that. Like I live at home. I cut, like I started using the

EveryDollar app last September. Tell me about the, who are the people in your life? Like who's having the birthdays and for Christmas who would you be in charge of buying gifts for? Like do you have kids of your own or these nieces and nephews? No it was just my brother-in-law, my boyfriend, my stepmom, my best friend, and then Christmas. So it would be just, we're doing a secret Santa for Christmas. So I normally that's, that's fine. I'll just do the secret Santa, but I have like three secret Santas I'm a part of, whether that's at work and my friends at work or like my boyfriend and I exchanged gifts or, um,

at, uh, at my house, we're doing a secret Santa. But then I always ended up, I'm like, Oh, I really feel bad. Sure. Not getting this person something or they got me something. It's like, I also have, okay, we have church events that I want to go to take, okay, can I get my hair done? Stuff like that. And it's unfortunately my hair is not cheap. I had to, I had to hair done, stuff like that. And unfortunately, my hair is not cheap. I had to think of, I had to cut out a lot of things

and I just feel guilty. I feel like I am doing the right thing. So here's the deal. I think you're looking at this a little bit of a short-term perspective. Like here in the next 60 days, here's all these things that I have to do and the people have to buy for.

Just remember that four years from now, no one's probably going to remember this Christmas, right? I mean, like, so, so if this Christmas looks different, which it's going to be, and it should, Jasmine, if you're on the, if you're doing the debt snowball, it's going to look different than Christmas is when you weren't budgeting and when you were in debt and you weren't paying attention with your money, it's going to look different. So how different is it going to look is the question. And I just, Jade Warshaw said this on the show last year

and I just own it too. I think adults don't need to buy adults gifts. I think brother-in-law is fine. Like brother-in-law has a job hopefully and can buy brother-in-law stuff, right? Like- Forget you guys, I want gifts. I want lots of gifts. No, I just think.

Lots of them. Cause I hear people, Jasmine, all the time, I mean, in a similar situation as you, and they're like, well, my Aunt Rita, and I'm like, Aunt Rita can buy her own blender. Like, we don't need to be funding adults and like helping. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I understand the generosity piece, I get that.

And if it's maybe something small and sentimental that meant something, maybe you saw a funny coffee mug and I understand the generosity piece, I get that. And if it's maybe something small and sentimental that meant something, maybe you saw a funny coffee mug and it was like, oh, that's funny, because it's like the since I joke and it's $7, right? If you wanna do something little, but this idea that we have to be somewhat even extravagant, $50 plus for adults in our lives, I don't know. I'm just not about it, I'm not about it.

And Jasmine, we call her funruiner.net here at the office. No, I'm the fun one out of all the personalities. So if I'm saying this. Super fun. Super fun. So again- What about in terms of hair, for example? Because if I wanted to get my hair done, if I needed a haircut, am I allowed to? Yeah. Do I have to do that?

Yes. Yes. I would say, you know, basic necessities, right, are gonna be in your budget throughout this debt-free period. Now, are you gonna go get- There's different versions of haircuts my wife gets. Yeah, I mean, I would say, I wouldn't go, if I were getting out of debt, I would not pay for like an updo, like to get it done

for a party specifically, but if you have to get your hair cut and colored in life, I would put that in the budget. While I'm getting out of debt. I would not. Wait. Are you being for real? You would buy a brother-in-law gift over. No, I was playing. I was messing with you.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I was like, John. No, because here's the thing. And Jasmine, how old are you? I'm 22. OK. This is the rest of your life. There will always be another thing, right? So as soon as the new year comes around, there's going to be a something with the election. And then there's going to be a, we have to all go get drinks because we're sad or we're really happy. And then there's going to be somebody's birthday. And then your nephew's going to have like a... And there's a destination wedding cookies

Yeah, that he wants you to order for school and to fund his clarinet program There's always gonna be a thing and unless you draw a line in the sand and say right now I am broke Because I might my net worth is negative Like I have less than zero when it comes to my name I do have a salary that comes every month, Like I have less than zero when it comes to my name. I do have a salary that comes every month but I have less than zero. Until you draw a line in the sand and say I at least have to get to zero and get to where if anything happens to me I'm gonna be okay, then you're not in a place to buy gifts. And I'm just telling you this as I'm twice your age, I'm down the road.

There's just always, I feel like the older we get, the more these we have to's just accelerate and accelerate and accelerate. And the seasons get more expensive because it'll be friends getting married, bridesmaids, bachelorette parties, weddings, babies. I mean like yeah, life continues. A cool thing, you're gonna find out if this dude's for real,

your boyfriend, tell him we have to do the most loving gift for each other for the holidays and it can cost no money. Competition on ready go. Okay? And I have one more I'm sorry that I'm taking advantage of. No, it's over here. When I was budgeting, how do I do when there's like five paydays? I get paid every Thursday and for example October have five Thursdays in the month. Do I treat the last week a part of November or because I'm not sure if I should see it as extra money or that I could put towards my fair obvious here or how do I really view that?

Yes. So you would look before the month begins and see how many weeks are there and then total up how much am I going to make for that month? So October, when you were budgeting in September for October, you would have looked to have looked to see to say okay we have five weeks in October coming in and I'm gonna use that income of those five weeks to be my the top of my October budget. So it doesn't matter when you get paid it's how much you get paid throughout the month. So some months you may get paid less because of where the payday hits within the week and if that week is technically this month or last month.

Does that make sense? So if I have like my insurance bill, for example, comes out on the second, that's before the payday in November. That's right. Would I take that and be part of my October budget? I would use October money then to fund that, to fund for the second.

Yeah. Do you have, do you have everything? Yeah, do you have every dollar premium, Jasmine? Yes. Okay, the paycheck planning part of every dollar premium is exactly what you're talking about. And that's gonna help you if you go into that function. I think it's only on desktop,

so get on your laptop and do it. And it's able to, you're able to list out when all of your bills hit. So exactly like that. Your insurance is like the second, I know you don't have rents, but say you had a mortgage and it comes out the 10th, and then you have all your cable and electricity

comes out the 20th. So you're able to actually see when do bills hit, when does my paycheck come in, and do I have enough within that paycheck to fund that week or that two weeks to make sure that I don't go into the red. So the paycheck planning part of Every dollar premium, uh, will help. And it'll show you like green or red, like it like literally walks you through

it, which is so great. So, uh, make sure to check that out. Thanks for the call. I've been doing this show for over 30 years and some of the saddest calls I have taken are from situations that are completely preventable. Yeah, and what's so hard is I feel like one of those, especially the ones that I'm like, oh, it's terrible, people that call in and their spouse has passed away suddenly, and they don't have life insurance. When you have to think through how am I going to pay my bills in the middle of- How am I going to eat next week? Yeah, in the middle of all that grief, like it's just, it is, it's terrible. So life insurance is

the one thing, especially as a mom with three little kids that I'm like so big on for people to get because it's inexpensive. Xander is the place that Winston and I actually get all of our life insurance. And it doesn't cost much because Xander shops among a gazillion different companies. It doesn't cost much. You just have to admit that someday you're not going to be here. You got to say it out loud and you got to say,

I'm going to say I love you to my family by taking care of them and taking the time to put this stuff in place. The cost of stinking pizza. To get a free quote call 800-356-4282. That's 800-356-4282 or go to zander.com. Welcome back to the Ramsey Show. We're gonna start off with James in Ontario, Canada. Hey James, welcome to the show. Hello, how are you? Hi, we're doing well. How can we help? No, okay.

So I'm doing my first formal budget. And I say formal because intuitively I had a good sense of what was going on from paycheck to paycheck, but this is the first time when, what got me into every dollar was something that you said when I first discovered you like last week, which was a budget enables you not to feel guilty about, um, uh, putting money aside for certain things. And I thought that I liked that because I always felt guilty saying, no,

we can't do this. No, we can't do that because it had an intuitive sense which was roughly correct so my net income from my own income coming home is 3600 a month and pretty much all of that goes to the mortgage groceries etc but then we have another 1800 from our child benefit that we've been using to upgrade our house that we purchased in 2021 because it's an old house and so the windows needed doing so we did that and the insulation needed doing we did that and it gets to minus 40 here so we needed to not freeze to death in the winter. And now that those upgrades are done that child benefit of 1800 is effectively spare now and it just never

occurred to me what to do with it. I just never had budgeted. I pretended like my income alone was the only income I had and now this is actually tripping me up. I actually have some money. I have some money. It's a good problem, James. James, do you have any consumer debt? No, it was just the mortgage, $94,000 right now. Okay, good for you guys. Do you guys have money saved in the bank? Cash that you can get to? Yes, so we have about a $14,000 emergency fund. Great. And we have $20,000 just kind of sitting there waiting for something to do.

Okay, good for you guys. So yeah, I mean, if I were you in this situation, I would start investing. You're at the point with investing. And I know some investments look different in Canada than here in America, but I would still reach for that 15% of your income. And so when you start doing that,

some of that may be taken out of your paycheck, if it's pre-tax or post-tax. So I would account some of that, that will probably go into investing. Your kids, are they out of the house? Do you have one still living with you? Well, there are five, three, and one. Okay. Oh, so you have little ones. Okay. Have you guys?

Yeah, we have little ones and another one on the way. So looking far into the future is part of how I want to arrange this. And another factor, this question is with two pronged, because part, like the other prong of this question is, does it make sense to pay off the mortgage early? And the reason I'm asking that is when we first moved here, I did what I thought was a neighborly thing, go up and down all the streets around me saying, hello, how are you? I'm the new neighbor.

And it has not really gone anywhere in terms of us meeting neighbors or people or anything. But when I visited my hometown, we made friends right away. It's cause I thought it was me for a long time. Like that's what gets for horrible people. Nobody likes us, but no, part of this area just isn't working for us. Somewhere else. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, and how to prepare for that because I'm not really sure what I'm getting into. And I don't want to make this mistake again because I thought this would be right for us

and it clearly isn't. Sure. Well, you know, it is always hard when you're moving somewhere to know what the chemistry is, you know, within the neighborhood and the neighbors. So I feel like that is, that's a hard thing. It's kind of a gamble always when you're buying a home, you know, not knowing exactly what the community is like. But yeah, so I mean, if that's not in the near future, then I probably would put some of this at that point towards the house, but I would also be thinking about these for kids and their future.

So education wise and all of that. So putting some money away for that as well. So I would probably divvy this up a little bit in different ways. I would be using some of it for investing. I would be using some of it for kids future and whatever that looks like for you guys. I don't know if that's a four year university

or whatever it is for them, putting some aside there. And then if you do have anything extra, yeah, you can throw it at the mortgage. But also, I mean, you guys are making $3,600 a month. Is that right? $3,600 for my income, but another $1,800 from the child benefit. Yes. Okay. Yeah. So $4,400 total. $5,400. $5,400. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm sorry. Yep. And yeah, I mean, overall, I would say you can, you could even take some of this too, James, and up your lifestyle a little bit. I mean, if you can, you could even take some of this too, James, and up your lifestyle a little bit. I mean, if you guys need some room for the baby coming

and having some money set aside to upgrade some baby stuff if you want that. So a little bit of this as well, percentage-wise, and you and your wife can decide on what that is, put within your monthly budget just to give you guys a little bit of breathing room, maybe in the food category or whatever it is. Well, yeah, I mean, we budget,

my budget had $50 for restaurants per month and we basically never go out and buy all our food with 50% stickers, so. Yeah, so I would put some back to loosen that lifestyle. Yep, I would. Yeah, put some of that back in the budget to spend as well. Can we talk about the most concerning part of this call for me? Yeah, go ahead. Explain 40 degrees below zero to me. It doesn't always happen. I'm from Texas. That sounds like, like in Texas they teach you that

hell is not hot, it's actually cold and it sounds like that. Yeah, that's true. Can you go outside or will you just die? You won't die if you're bundled up well enough. So I'm from central Canada where it gets that cold but it's drier. I'm used to drier. So you go outside and if you're bundled up well enough, you're okay.

It's a dry cold. Where I am here. Okay. That's what Arizona is saying. It's a dry heat. Here it's humid and it pierces right through you. I dare not even walk out the door. And since our house still leaks air, even with all the upgrades,

we're all with jackets and blankets on the inside during the winter anyway. So make of that what you will. We have this thing in Tennessee, I don't know if they have it there, it's called fire and it just warms up everything. Y'all should get that. We don't have a fireplace in here either.

Ah, okay. Oh man, that's a bummer. Well, I hope that helps, James. You're doing great, man. Yeah, and congrats on the baby on the way. It's very exciting. Let's go to a social question, John. We got Becca from Facebook and she says,

what are some positive ways to redirect a spouse that continues to push off opportunities for easy earned income? Can I say that again? What are some positive, she's being very, Becca. What are some positive ways to redirect a spouse that continues to push off opportunities? The husband doesn't wanna work and she's like, oh my God,

that's an easy way to make some money, and he's like, I don't want to. Okay, number one, stop talking about your husband as though he's a doodle. That is the positive redirection is what you say to those designer dogs that God never intended that people in suburbs create. James has one.

I know, I know. Put a poodle with something, and then all of a sudden. I know, put a poodle with some kind of animal and create an animal, and God's just up there going, what are y'all doing? There's so many other problems to solve. But, so don't talk about your husband

like a positive redirection. I think you sit down and you have a harder conversation about what is this money for? What are we trying to accomplish together? And how are we gonna get there? It can be an easy, like, hey, our life's good, we're paying off our debt or we've got everything okay. And then somebody offers a thousand bucks to come do a job

and it's easier to go, no, I don't need that. But your partner sitting there going, that's a thousand dollars, we're not doing a lot of work. That's a values conversation, that's not a money conversation. If your husband's just sitting around not working and playing Fortnite, that's a different conversation, right? But let's stop with the little-

The redirection. I don't know, how do we gently redirect our husbands who either a won't provide or be or she's I mean or personality wise so let's just say every you know if they're trying to get out of debt if they don't have an emergency fund and she's like oh my gosh we got to get on this have that conversation yeah if that's it but then if you're on the other end of it and you don't have to right there's a job for a thousand bucks And you're like, yeah, I'm I want to hear at home with you guys is more. Yes But what is hard is some spouses are more, you know, what is it?

Utilitarian s like it's just like this idea of like, oh my gosh, how could you not go opportunity? Like they're so driven they See, oh my oh this time to what you're gonna make, why would you not? And they think the other spouse is crazy. That can happen too. So, well thanks, Becca, for your question. This is The Ramsey Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

October is the season for wearing costumes and masks, but let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind a mask and costumes all the time. We do this at work, we do this with our friends, with our families, we even do this with ourselves. I've been there multiple times in my life when I'm not being my true self and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self,

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to get 10% off your first month. That's betterH-E-L-P.com slash deloney. Welcome back to the Ramsey Show. I'm Rachel Cruz and with me today is Dr. John Delaney. And today's Ramsey Network app question is from Mason. And he asks, I would like a reasonable explanation on why you only recommend a 15 year mortgage. Why shouldn't I take a 30 year out and dump extra cash into an ETF earning 10 to 12%. And at the end of 30 years,

I'd leverage my house and pay it off. Also have around $700,000 to spend from my investments. Mason, you're smarter than us. Mason, you're smarter than us. You got us. You got us on this one. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that before. Yeah, way to smarter than us. Mason, you're smarter than us. You got us. You got us on this one. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that before. Yeah, way to go, man.

Wow, we'll just change our whole policy. No, so Mason, the biggest goal, when it comes to your money, one of the, well, not the biggest, one of them starting out is to become debt-free as soon as possible. And so for a lot of people, this journey of even paying their house off, which is obviously the largest asset most people have,

it's gonna take around nine years. And so there is a psychological change that occurs when you know here is my payment. And even though my intentions are good on a 30 year to either pay it like it's a 15, put what would have been on the mortgage, but now I can invest that money instead. All of those are good intentions. What we see over and over again is that human behavior can definitely trump what we had

planned. Things come up, life happens. If you think over 10, 15, 20 years, 30 years there's a lot of life to happen so the probability that you would actually do this right and do it every single month consistently is probably pretty low considering the we're talking about 30 years 30 years so the idea of doing the 15 I mean it's just it there's mathematically it's faster. It forces you into a faster payment plan.

And then when people are doing the baby steps and they get to this step, they're paying it off in nine years versus 15. So you'll be paying it off earlier. Now, some people I know get a 30 year because the rate is better. The payments is more reasonable for their budget, right? There's a lot of different reasons, but again,

it's putting systems in place that the rhythm of your money and your life will get you to where you wanna go as fast as possible, and that's the 15 over the 30. And what's wild about mortgages too is, even an extra payment, one extra payment on a 30 year mortgage on a half a million dollar house at like a 4% interest rate, you pay it off four years faster. And you save, it was like,

I think close to maybe $60,000 in interest. One extra payment a year, that's on a 30. So if you imagine a 15 and doing that an extra year or doing four extra payments a year, right? Like you can just see the map. It's just, yeah, when you're talking about a house and you're talking about a mortgage and interest and time, it's just big.

So when you can like condense it and do it as fast as possible, you're gonna be better off. Well, and I think it's important to call this out. And I've noticed this among like George and I, we just call them the finance bros, but like the guys with the spreadsheets that they roll out 30 years

and they put all these assumptions in there. They've never read an Assem Taleb and they have never experienced the pain of when the whole thing collapses, right, when it crashes and when the rollercoaster goes way way way down or when you lose your job or your wife gets cancer or when your kid passes away you have to move or you get laid off or whatever. And I think if your if your goal in life is to squeeze every last potential gap between an interest payment and a potential earned return on some sort of fund

that you're trading, knock your lights out. Knock your lights out and we'll be here when you wreck. When you have taken call after call after call of somebody saying hey They're taking my mom's house away because she fill in the blank or my wife and I have to move to go take care of My dad because he fell and now we have dot dot or my wife wants to stay home We can't afford them or we can't afford what yeah So yeah If you're if your goal is to always be looking for the spread and try to cover the spread,

this isn't what we're trying to sell you. What we're trying to sell you is a total rejection of that way of thinking. We're trying to sell you something that the American household no longer has, and that is peace. That is the ability to sleep at night. I will gladly, gladly cash out the gap

between a 30-year mortgage and a 15-year mortgage right now, which isn't a ton right this second. In fact, I think the 30-year mortgage rates may be less than the 15-year because they're trying to sell those because they can hold on to them longer. I would gladly sell that over this imaginary 30-year return I would have on this little bit of money if I constantly did this every month for 30 years and nothing bad ever happened to my family. I would gladly trade that gap knowing that no one could ever take my house away, period, ever.

And I call it my sleep tax, it's my soul tax. I just walk around knowing you can't take my house. No matter what happens, my mom gets cancer, my wife passes away, they cannot take my house. And so if that's not what you're into, there's no math problem that we're gonna sit down and map it out for you, right? Right, and that's the thing too

about paying your mortgage off early, because we hear kind of similar argument. Oh my gosh, why would I pay it off early? Why would I not just invest that money? Or if I have this money, it's making more in the market versus my 2% interest rate that I got 10 years ago. Why would I ever unplug something that's making that much to throw at debt that's only like a 2% to 3% interest rates?

And it's the exact same thing because peace and calmness doesn't show up on a spreadsheet, it just doesn't. And we had our money and marriage weekend last weekend here with about 600 couples or so, and there were a lot on Baby Step 7, which means they've paid off their house. There was a good amount of them, I was kind of surprised when I was asking

what Baby Step everyone was on, there was a good amount of Baby Step 7, and I was like, oh wow. And I said, okay, so for those of you that paid off your house, keep your hand up if you regretted it. Zero. Zero hands wereted it. Zero. Zero hands were still up.

Yeah. Because it's like, no, when you really don't have a mortgage payment, you're not like dad gum it. And if you are still, you can always borrow back on your equity and go and invest it, right? I mean, like you can always get back into debt.

And because there's something to be said about us as people, our human soul at a very, very deep level rests in a place that does not show up on an Excel sheet. It just doesn't. And so we talk more about the person than we do the math on the show because we really believe in the people. We believe in you.

If you're listening or watching, you are the solution to your problems. You are the one that's gonna make choices in your life, like empowering who you are as a whole person, not the little financial geek over here, you as a whole person, as a son, as a daughter, as a husband, as a wife, as a mom, as a dad, as a friend, like all these elements of you, money is just a part of it.

But on this show, it's the thing that ends up being magnified into a lot of our dysfunction is what we end up seeing. And so you can't forget, you are a person, you are a whole person. And that piece is part of it. It's not always the math. And to you leverage people, you only need to go read Wendell Berry, you only need to go read Nassim Taleb, people who love risk, because I love risk, but the goal of risk, I actually do. I'm kind of a conservative risky, but I love it. The thing that the modern kids that are all into like, risk and leverage, I'm gonna go,

is you can't leverage something that if the risk doesn't pay out, you lose it all, right? And there's no better way to risk when you have a house, when you are your own bank, and when your kids school is taken care of, bro, then go to Vegas, then you can play, right? Then you can start doing these things. But this leverage, there's a fulcrum to leverage.

And if your fulcrum is your home, dude, they're gonna come take your house. The market doesn't ride bulls forever. They will come take your home. And that just tells me you watch a lot of Instagram and a lot of TikTok and you know how to make, use chat GPT to make some cool Excel algorithms. You don't understand what it's like to sleep in a house

that you don't owe money on. Yep, that's right. This is what it is, man, they can't take your house away. I'm all about leverage, I'm all about risk, I love it. But I don't risk my wife's house, I just don't. And when you get that through your mind, then you can play these, well then I'm all about leverage, I'm all about risk, I love it, but I don't risk my wife's house, I just don't. And when you get that through your mind, then you can play these, well then I'm gonna leverage my house and pay it off,

but have a, play that game after you've covered the ground floor. And I think that's part of the misnomer too of, you know, that the 700 grand, you know, that he has, you know, typed out, you know, there's something about also just chasing money to a degree that there is a level of emptiness out there, y'all. Money is not a god. It is not an idol. It will not fulfill you. Like, it's not. But it also will destroy you if you don't have peace around it. So getting yourself in a healthy position mathematically is very smart.

That's what we want you to do. But then on top of that, knowing that it has a placement in your life that you're not constantly chasing because the finish line, the finish line, Mason is always going to move. It's always going to move. So contentment is key in this as well. Thanks to everyone, all the guys in the booth and Taylor. Thank you, Taylor and John for a great, a great segment. Thanks, America, for listening. This is the Ramsey Show. Do you ever feel like you're finally making progress towards your goals a great segment. Thanks, America, for listening. This is The Ramsey Network app is designed to keep you laser focused on reaching your goals. Loaded with over $7,000 of Ramsey shows, this free app is the best place for uninterrupted

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do work that they love and create amazing relationships. I am Rachel Cruz hosting this hour with my good friend and bestselling author, Dr. John Delaney. So give us a call at 888-825-5225 and we'll be answering your questions about money, relationships, career, life. So give us a call. Up first starting off the hour is all the way in Hawaii we have John. Oh John I hit the wrong button so sorry. Hey John welcome to the show. Aloha. Aloha. Welcome, welcome. How can we help? Hi, thanks. So thank you for taking my call first off. But I'm getting an

insurance payout of about around 70,000 plus or minus a few thousand and I've never really kind of gotten a lump sum like this. I am a little in debt. Um, and before any of my injuries happened, I was in no debt and had plenty of savings, which is why I was able to pretty much survive. And I'm need some advice. I'd neither looking at a investing it into myself, of my career, of getting the rest of my pilot's licensing and, um,

opening the opportunities for, for that to come about. And the second thing I'm thinking about is maybe buying a house or property, but the fact of what I'm seeing in the market and 8% interest rates pretty much scare me. Yeah. What happened, John? What happened that you got this payment? Payout, I should say.

I was injured and I'm getting pretty much an insurance payout due to this injury. I had to go through a little bit of trying to get like super, you know, it's super, you know, Are you okay? How are you doing now? Oh, yeah, I'm fine now. I had to go through a couple surgeries and I had to rehabilitate myself and everything and I'm So sorry. Mostly back to 100%. Yeah, it was pretty bad. So you've got some huge plans for the $70,000. 70 grand is a lot. But you mentioned like education, buying a house, getting a pony, buying a dragon. Like you've got a lot of plans for this money. My first question to you is almost all insurance payments aren't, they're not a

lottery winning. They are to make you whole. Are you going to need a knee replacement down the way? Are you going to continue to need extra medical treatment or physical therapy or counseling down the way that you need to put some of this money aside for? I do not believe so. There should be no other treatments. More about just keeping myself healthy and taking care of myself, which I am very goal- oriented on doing for the future.

So what kind of debt do you have currently? It's maybe about 30,000 plus or minus a few grand. And before any of this happened, I was in zero debt. Okay, and what does that debt consist of? Okay, I know it all. I'm paying it down very quickly now that I'm back at, I'm working right now. So it's been pretty quite dead.

Is that, is that 30,000, is it all medical or is there credit card debt? What kind of debt is it? Right. So about 10 grand of it is about a personal loan which is about five percent interest. Okay, why did you take that out? That was actually kind of, it was a little bit to put into my savings and a little bit to pay off just to reconsolidate credit card. Okay. Okay. And was the credit card debt due to the injury because you couldn't work and you guys were using it to get by or what was the credit card debt?

No, no, I, I got the personal loan well before the injury. I sustained this injury before that. Okay. Okay. Yeah. It's almost getting paid off. It's more. Okay. So 10 grand personal loan. What's the other 20? The other 20 is credit card, and that's ranging between three different cards. Okay. Not maxed out. Yeah.

Anymore. Anywhere between 15% and that my highest one is 27.9. Okay, so what I would advise you John to do is yes, I would pay off this this 30 grand like today I would get I would be completely debt-free and I would take the rest of the 40 and I would take some of it and Create an emergency fund. I would probably do six months of expenses just because of what you walked through. Do you have money saved? Yeah, I already have that already. I felt was the first thing I did when I got back to work. Okay, how much is in there? About ten. Okay. So yeah, if you if you need to bump it up any you can just to cover that full six months so my word of caution for you John is Whenever we hear someone that gets a lump sum

and it could be from an inheritance, it could be an insurance payout, just like what you're explaining to us. Some people it's like this massive tax refund too, like whatever it is and it's a lump sum, I would use it obviously to pay off this debt. But I say that with a word of caution because sometimes when you go in and just,

you kind of get this, I mean, I don't want to say free money because you went through hell and all this stuff. Like I'm not saying it's free, but essentially you're being handed $70,000 and nothing about John changes money wise with your behavior, with your habits. So people that work their way out of debt, like if you didn't get the 70 and you're working your way out of that 30,000, something changes in that process. Like the feeling

of that sacrifice, understanding like you're cutting expenses, it's hard, it's not always fine, but man, you're doing something, you're paying a price to win. And when there's a lump sum like this, you don't always feel that emotion. And that feeling I do think is important, that experience, because it changes you. And so while again, I would pay this off today, I would take this money and pay off that 30 grand, I just want you, John, to promise yourself, are you married? I am divorced.

You are divorced, okay, no, that's fine. So I would promise yourself. Absolutely. Promise yourself that you're not going back into debt. I would be cutting up the credit cards, no more loans. Like we're not doing this again. And if you can draw that hard line in the sand, I want you to do that as you're paying this debt off

with this lump sum that you're getting. But do you hear that caution that the behavior of you is what's going to allow you to win down the road and your behavior isn't necessarily gonna change through an experience of sacrifice? Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. Without any sacrifice, you don't really gain anything.

Before I was even, most of this credit card debt that I'm in right now is actually from my injuries from pretty much trying to, it took no over two years to get everything like kind of back into normal and savings. I had up, I had, I had no credit card debt. Good. Good savings. I had good crypto, you know, and I didn't know if like, I'm dwindling that down now. No, that's great. Sorry, John, we got to go to a hard break.

So yeah, so again, that 40 that's left. By the way, check your local taxes because you may have to pay state and federal taxes on the lump payout. Oh, for some of that. It may be if that's all you get out of this thing. So yeah, look into that. And then I would probably, yeah, if you want to go back and get your pilot's license and that's something like career wise that you're looking at,

I would definitely look into that. You get my left. Yeah, I think that's great. Thanks John for the call. Glad you're okay. This is the Ramsey Show. Hey you guys, I'm not a fan of the big banks and you probably already know which ones I mean. But I do

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slash SmartVestor. Again, ramsysolutions.com slash SmartVestor. Ramsey Solutionsolutions.com slash SmartVestor. Ramsey Solutions is a paid non-client promoter of participating pros. Learn more at RamseySolutions.com slash SmartVestor. Welcome back to the Ramsey Show. We're taking your calls at triple eight, eight two five, five two two five. And next up we have Mary in Chicago, Illinois.

Hey Mary, welcome to the show. Hi, how are you? Doing well, how can we help? So my question regarding our finances, my husband and I, he just got a new job. He's making like 140,000 a year. And went up from about 50. Oh wow, so a big jump. Yeah, yeah, big jump finally. What's he doing? What happened? Well he was kind of on his own in construction and just it was very it was

all over the place some days working some days not and it just wasn't consistent enough. So he got a better job, you know, 40 hours a week constantly. And yeah. Wow. Good for him. Yeah. Yeah. Much better opportunity for him. Good. So my question, like even now with this one, he has no kind of retirement into it. So it's all on us. We have very little because of not making any money in the past.

We have about $17,000, $18,000, I would say, in debt credit card. It is at 0%. I have the money stashed away and I know you guys say to pay it off but it just always scared me because until now we didn't have it and I just always stashed money kind of. So I know I could pay that. I have about 35 in cash. So I could pay that off and kind of start from there I guess. But like I said it's at 0% and I know I should pay it. Like I said it just scares me.

So my question really is like how do we invest kind of for our future retirement because he doesn't get any of that nor do I. Yep. Okay. What does he say about all of this when it comes to paying off debt? Cause you keep saying, I, you know, I have stashed away 35,000 and all that.

Does he, does he want to pay it off? What would he say about that? Yeah, he wants to pay it off too. He doesn't really know how much I have stashed. I, cause I just, yeah, stash it little by little kind of um Mary are you safe at home? Oh yeah. Are you sure? Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah very yeah. What is it about your home that you've been hiding money from your husband? He wasn't making a lot is that it and you just thought oh my gosh you're gonna be okay?

Yeah yeah it's just yeah so I'm afraid yeah. But if he knew you how much you would have, he would take it and spend it? No, I mean that's like foolishly spent, but he would like say let's get out of debt, like pay it all off and start, like whereas I'm still afraid to, I guess, get rid of it, like you know, it's still kind of like a little cushion for me. So Rachel's gonna walk you through the money part, but I just feel compelled to say this There is tension in your home There's two people keeping secrets from each other and if you're that scared of

What's coming next for your family? You need to eat if in your safe. You need to have the courage to sit down with your husband and let him know I've been hiding money because I haven't been, because I don't feel safe. Yeah. Because there's a tension there and he doesn't know what it is and he blames himself for it and he's trying to solve it and that's not fair. If you have to hide money from him

because he's gonna go blow it and put you all at financial risk or he's struggling with alcohol or gambling, that's a totally different story. But if you just have said, well, he's gonna wanna pay all our debts off and I don't agree with that, so I'm gonna hide money from him?

I mean, I shouldn't have said hit, but like he doesn't really watch the finances like I do and he just doesn't know where I'm at with how much. He doesn't realize probably that I have this much saved on the side. Yeah, and, you know. Yeah. And your motivation for it, Mary, was that for some reason, if he doesn't get a job, because he was on his own for so long with construction, that we'll at least have enough to pay for food next month because I'm just

stashing, stashing, stashing. So it's like you're always running from behind on the defense versus being on the offense. Yeah. And I do kind of like little tight things at home. And I just stash that away. And I just, like, yeah. Okay, so yeah, I mean, I think John makes a great point. The first thing I would do tonight,

everything needs to be laid out, everything. Of like, here's how much we have saved, here's all of our debt, here's the income, here's what we spend on food, like here's everything. And here's how scared I've been. And, yeah, I have this saved over here and it's probably more than you realize, and I'm doing that for a level of safety

because I was so scared these past couple of years when you weren't making the money coming in, and I needed safety, and now together, we can start making these decisions. So, yeah, I would start there, Mary, for sure, because I think that's gonna be great for your marriage. Cause as you guys start this process and as he's starting a new job, there may be new stress

that he can come home and talk to you about. There could just be new lines of communication open that may not have been there before. So yeah, so I would pay it off today. Like I would take that 35, pay off the credit card debt, cut up the credit cards, be done with all that. And then I would look to see how much it costs to run your home. Is it just you and your husband? Do you guys have kids? Two, yeah.

Okay, how old are they? Eight and ten. Eight and ten, okay. So, yeah, I would probably lean on the six month emergency fund side, considering that you're more of a conservative saver when it comes to money and that safety is very important to you. And I get that, we always laugh that, and I'm kind of like this too, I'm like, I want my emergency fund to have an emergency fund.

Like it just feels good to like know, if everything hits the fan, we can pay the mortgage and eat, right? So like, I get that totally. So I feel, yeah. So I would run your budget and just say, okay, this is how much it costs to run our life and then multiply it by six. And that number, I would be curious for you

if that feels good, like, okay, this feels right. And feels right from a logical standpoint that I know if something were to happen for six months, we could be okay. Like that's a long time, right? So, um, so that would be my next step. And then beyond that, when it comes to retirements, um, yeah, there's a couple of places. Does his, I know his employer doesn't match. Do they have a 401k program at all? No, nothing. Like he gets no, but yeah, no benefits. No benefits within that. Okay. How big is the company that he's working for? You know, like today actually like today's his first week.

Oh, okay. Okay. I didn't know if it was a large type firm or if it's just, you know, eight people. Yeah, I believe it. I mean, yeah, I believe it is. Yeah. Okay, so. I would say, I mean, he's working with a group of like 20, but there's different places around the city type of, you know, there's a couple different, what do you call them? Yeah, I'm just surprised if a large company firm doesn't, yeah, offer that point. But that's what I said. Yeah, too.

Like I think they do some that way and then they do some where they give you more of a salary and it's not on them to pay out a pension, to pay out insurance, like all that, you know, I think they're saving money actually. Gotcha. Yeah. No, that's great. I, I, that's what I think. I don't know for sure. Okay. So, so yeah, so that's the package that yeah, he signs on boarding and everything. Right. Yeah, I would open up, next would be a Roth IRA. And for this calendar year,

you guys may not make the mark for it, but as of now, you can each put in $7,000. You can actually open up a spousal Roth IRA, Mary. And then with his earned income, he can be able to qualify. 150 he may I think that the if you're I guess a single filer it's 141. Yeah I would double check but I think you both are still eligible to open up a Roth IRA if not you can do a backdoor Roth but I would also sit down with the SmartVestor Pro when you guys are in. After all this is done after the debt's paid off

you have that emergency fund you feel good about, and then you'll be investing 15% of your income after that. And I would sit down with an investment professional and there's people in your area that we recommend, and they're called SmartVestor Pros. So Taylor can pick up when we get off this call and she can help kind of direct you. And sit down with them and really look at the best plan

moving forward, because also for your kids, you have young kids and what does it look like for them and college and all of it, because yeah, 150 is an incredible salary. So you guys can, especially if you're used to living on 50, you'll have a lot of margin to be able to do some really great things and just making sure that's all directed in the right way.

So congrats Mary on the new job. I know that probably makes you feel great too, that there's some more money coming in. So excited for you guys. Thanks for the call. This is the Ramsey Show. Hey you guys, when you go against what society thinks is quote normal, like avoiding debt for example,

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We're giving away $500 prizes each week and one grand prize of $5,000. Enter daily for your chance to win at ramsysolutions.com slash giveaway. It's that easy. Plus our 50 days of Christmas deals is on right now. Get up to 30% off bestsellers and life-changing gifts that won't break the holiday budget. Ramsesolutions.com slash store. Welcome back to the Ramsey Show. Our Ramsey Show question of the day is sponsored by Why ReFi? It's hard to make progress when you're trapped

under an avalanche of defaulted private student loans, but Why ReFi helps dig you out and get the momentum with custom refinancing based on your ability to pay and a lump sum payoff option you could qualify for after 24 months. So go to yrefi.com slash Ramsey. That's the letter Y, R-E-F-Y, dot com slash Ramsey. May not be available in all states. Alright, today's question comes from Bethany in Vermont. Bethany writes, I'm really struggling.

I work in the financial industry and I'm extremely embarrassed about our financial situation. I started using every dollar and have been diligent for 10 months. Yes, I'm using I as my husband is not in agreement and it's very frustrating. He's in poor health and believes he will not live until retirement and does not need to worry about saving money for it.

Oh man. We're 52 now. We combine our money but he hates that I am quote-unquote taking all his money. I pay all the bills and keep the budget which I show him every month but he would rather buy a new $600 pair of boots than save money. I met my wits and we tried counseling last year and didn't go well. How do I know when to call it quits? Well, sheesh, what do you think, Rachel? Yeah, this is a hard one.

Yeah, Bethany, I mean, the first part of your, I'll let John answer the latter part of this question, but the whole idea that you're embarrassed because you work in the financial industry, that needs to just leave. I mean, there's a lot of bankers that are broke and don't know how to handle money. Yeah, there's a lot of divorced marriage therapists.

There's a lot of, life is what it is. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. So your occupation, I mean, letting that dictate who you are, I would not let that be a shame cycle that I feel like you're in. But yeah, you do have some major marriage issues and the thing that is always evident in these types of questions is that money

just ends up being the one pipe that you're seeing the problems in. And it's coming from a source. And the source is that your husband is an immature guy. I'm like, he does not look at life as taking care of his household. He doesn't look at life of worth living

because he doesn't even think he's gonna reach retirement, which is at that point in like another six years. So yeah, so this is someone that, from a lot of different levels, isn't okay, and you happen to be married to them. So when it gets to this point, that's what makes it difficult within the marriage. Yeah, and I think, Rachel, you nailed it.

Dave has been saying this forever, that money is just a, it's an alarm for what's going on in your house. And what you have here is a husband who is, I've heard the phrase long tail suicide, which is I'm just gonna drink or Netflix or lonely or just do nothing myself to death, right? And I'm not gonna die by suicide today,

but it's just gonna be this long fade out. And I'm gonna take every person who loves me with me because they're gonna watch it in slow motion and I don't care enough like you said I don't care enough about the spirit inside my own skin I don't care enough about the the woman who said I do and married me and is watching this thing happen real time I just don't care stop messing with my money and giving me rules and I'm gonna go buy a new pair of boots that you can bury me in, right? I don't, I can't answer the question,

how do I know when to call it quits? I just, I can't answer that with this little information. What I can say is, it sounds like there needs to begin, and I say this reluctantly, you need to begin to separate your money because this is good. It looks like I always look for trend lines and this is one of those that feels like it's escalating and I've been working hard for 10 months.

He's in poor health. Now he thinks he's going to die soon. So now he wants to buy it. Like it's starting to just trend line one way in a negative direction. And you don't like it. Yeah. just trend line one way in a negative direction. You gotta protect yourself. Yeah, and at this point, your future is up in the air because of his choices of spending. Right.

And so when it comes to call it quits about sharing your money, I think y'all are there. Maybe you can share some household bills, but you need to make sure your four walls are covered, Bethany, because you have somebody who is actively trying to wreck the car. And at some point, maybe he goes and talks to somebody, but that's down the road here. And all I can say is, it breaks my heart for you.

But I'm never going to tell somebody, unless it's a very specific situation, you need to get out of this right now. So I can't tell you to call it quits. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, Kayla. Tough, tough, tough, tough. Or Bethany. So sorry. I hope that's helpful. All right. Let's go to the phones and we have Kayla in Fort Worth, Texas. Hey, Kayla. Welcome to the show. Hi. Hello, hello. Can you hear me? Yes, we can. Yeah. How can we help?

So my husband and I have had some bad luck with our cars recently. We're following the big steps, but we are so, so frustrated and I just need some encouragement to not get a loan for a new car and also advice for what to actually do. We've only recently finished our emergency fund. Okay. Yeah. So you guys have your thousand dollars? No, we have

Okay, okay, so what's the situation with the car or both of them what's going on? Yeah, so going back to July at that point We're working on our emergency fund and then after that we plan to save up to replace my husband's car But that's when my car which is five years and 200,000 miles newer than his car, the engine just went out. So we took it to the dealership and they are still, you know, four months later, waiting for a backorder part. They have no idea when they're going to have it.

And they want to meet with us tomorrow to go over some options. And we're expecting them to try and get out of fixing our car. And then last month at an oil change for my husband's car they found maintenance needed that's worth that's like more than the car is worth which just like kind of broke me a little. So before you go make up a story about what's gonna happen tomorrow wait till tomorrow okay okay and let's see what they're gonna do because if this part is under warranty and they can't do it They need to make you whole and they make you right It's not under warranty. Okay, so y'all trying to buy a part and they don't have it for you. Um, so

They we had they're going to fix our car fix the engine But they're waiting for a part to come in from like they're from their headquarter dealership, I guess And that they've been waiting for four months. They have no idea when they're gonna have anything from like their, from their headquarter dealership, I guess. Okay. And that they've been waiting for four months. They have no idea when they're gonna have anything. How come you haven't taken the car out and taken it to another shop? It's so we're with the actual like dealership that we- Yeah, it doesn't matter.

If it's not under warranty, then they're just like a regular old- Mechanic. Yeah, mechanic. They're just trying to make extra money on you. And they're actually probably the more expensive route, Kayla. Guaranteed. Yeah. I would go, is the car, is the car drivable or has it been sitting there for four months?

It's been sitting there for four months. They've already got the engine, um, taken apart. Yeah. So if they can't fix your car, then they have to put it back together in the original shape it was in. And here's the deal, you have to go in tomorrow without the possibility that you're going to take out alone. Like there's no kind of, there's no encouragement or no like pat on the back.

What we're like, Rachel and I, man, what you're going through is mind numbingly frustrating. And I hate how badly you've been treated. Had this, had you called three months and two weeks ago, I would have told you to march in there, right? But four months, they're just dragging you around, dragging you around, and they're going to try to slough a new car off on you and say, hey, we're going to give you $1,500 off just to make this thing right. Have they given you any price on what the part, how much this is all going to cost? Because I would

get that information tomorrow and then I would get that information tomorrow. And then I would get a second opinion. I mean, even if you have to tow the thing to another mechanic, just to be like, hey, I need you to look at this and how much would this part cost you? And go get options. Cause that's the frustrating thing about the car industry

is it's like, oh my God, one person here, it's one price, one over here. I mean, it's just, it's wild. So so and the maintenance on that on that your husband's car I would say thank you very much and take it to a completely different person and get an opinion Second and third opinion always when it comes to this And how much how much are your cars worth if you were to sell them? My car When it's whole would be about seven thousand000 and it's about $2,500.

Okay, and how much do you guys have in your emergency fund? We have $24,000 right now. Okay, well, Kayla, that's why you got your emergency fund. Yeah, I hate to say that. Do not borrow a car. Yep, no, do not get a loan. I would, yeah, I mean, this is why you have an emergency fund so you don't have to go into debt.

So I would- Raise hell in that auto dealership. They have treated you very, very poorly. For sure, but I would be using some of this money either to replace a car or to use this cash to be able to get it fixed ASAP. Do not buy a car from them. They are not people of integrity.

Thanks for the call, Kayla. This is the Ramsey Show. Motivating your team to work and lead with the same passion you have is one of the toughest things in leadership. But it's crucial if you want to scale your business. Fortunately, Entrez Leadership Summit is the leadership event that will equip you to build a team that fights shoulder to shoulder with you so you can grow like never before. Join us in Denver, Colorado, May 18th through the 21st by going to ramsysolutions.com slash summit or click the link in the show notes.

Welcome to the Ramsey Show. I'm Rachel Cruz hosting this hour with Dr. John Deloney and taking your calls. So up next we have Heather in Orlando. Hey Heather, welcome to the show. Hi, thank you. It's an honor to be on. Absolutely. We're glad you called. How can we help? Well, I had written in because we have two adult children that have moved back home and we are charging them rent. However, I do feel guilty about it at times.

And then I feel like we're being taken advantage of other times. So I just wanted to hear what your take would be on it. I was about to high five you. So tell me about your sons. So our second, we have four children, our second son. He lost his job a couple about a year and a half ago and he was 29. He's now 30. And he, um, he was renting a place with our youngest son and he was behind on his rent and we, um,

we paid to have his rent caught up so our other son wouldn't get penalized for it. Then we allowed him to move in. He was without a job for six months. He did get a job. And once he started, we were having him pay $200 back for the loan and $200 back for rent. So that has been going on since last August. And then our younger son, um, he was supposed to get married and that didn't happen and his

housing fell through so he at the last minute asked if he could move in with us at the end of August so he's been here for two months and we just started charging him rent. So they make a lot of money. You do or they do? They do. I mean, we're fine. My husband and I are fine, but they do make a lot of money. And at times I feel like we're being taken for granted. You are.

You are. Okay. I'm working on a huge project. And one of the chapters of the project right now is tentatively titled millions of unmarried men And these are men that always go through life with a safety net That is probably mom's house Yeah, and what it's robbing them of is,

I mean, you're talking about a 30 year old who makes great money. Essentially what's happening here is, and by the way, the thought, I have a 14 year old, the thought of him moving away in four years, I can get choked up without even blinking twice, okay? Right, right. So I get it.

And if you throw in any sort of divorce or childhood issues, there's always this sense parents feel if I wanna catch up, I wanna make this thing right, I don't wanna contribute anything, any more hurt or anything like that. But here's what's happening. Millions and millions of parents are walking into the gym and watching their kids struggling,

and they run over and take the weight off the bar. And then their kids are 30 years old and they get laid off and the kid looks around and just goes mommy and you and here's the thing it feels good doesn't it yeah yes it feels so good sometimes sometimes I get angry about it okay good I'm glad you I'm glad you feel both and both of those are normal reactions. I want my son and my daughter to always know no matter what. No matter what, they will always know where the key is to come into my house. They're always welcome home. Right. And I want them to be strong enough to really never have to.

All right. Yeah. And see, my husband and I, we got married young, 19 and 21, and we had four kids, you know, right within seven years. And we never, we worked our butts off to, you know, just live paycheck to paycheck. And so we never had a safety net, either one of us. And so we always wanted to make sure that our kids didn't feel that and that we were that. So our oldest son is married, has a three-year-old and another on the way. He's never come back home since he's been married, but our other three kids have come back. All of them, two of them have come back twice and then our youngest just came back.

But can I tell you why they come back? Because they can. Yep, because they can. And so I do think there's a moment in time when the greatest gift you could give them is their independence. And I think there's something fair to say, hey, me and this old man over here, your husband, we got married real young, we had all four kids and we want to have our adventures, y'all are moving out. You got three months, you got six months, you got 90 days, you got 60 days. What I've been telling parents is this, tell them they got 60 days or 30, let's say 30 days, maybe 60 days at the most and say I'll give you another 30 days if y'all watch all nine FPU lessons

back to back to back. You watch all these lessons, I'll give you another month, you can stay to launch. But just as a- And what's so hard about this, Heather, is what you intended as a mom to help and to be a gift and to be a blessing, when that is not done with boundaries,

with clear communication, with an end date. Like the son that was gonna get married blessing when that is not done with boundaries, with clear communication, with an end date. Like the son that was gonna get married ended up falling, it didn't happen, and so his housing, who knows what that story was? And I'm like, yeah, if he's like, oh my gosh, I was supposed to move in here and now I can't get rent somewhere,

can I stay with you guys for a month while I find another place? Like, I mean, there's common sense in this, right? So it's not that you're not being, you know, half-hearted about it, but also what that ends up being, that gift and that great heart that you have, Heather, it ends up hindering your kids. And it's the enabling side that is so difficult.

I was reading a parenting book recently and they were talking about how my generation, my, the boomer parents, ended up kind of becoming helicopter parents to a degree toward the end of my high school when phones started to be a thing. And they said, hover, hover, hover, hover, hover. And nowadays, the style of parenting

is not helicopter parents, but they're snow plow parents. Where they go through and they just clear the way where there's no bumps, no moguls, they don't have to get nervous that oh my God, I'm about to fall, nothing. It is a clear path. And what that, and again, if we knew that that was the healthiest thing for people

and they would end up on the other side being a healthier person, then that's great, but it doesn't. It doesn't help. All the research shows it's the opposite. It's exactly what you're saying about the weights. It's a great picture because they end up being weak. Like there's no strength.

They're just not strong. That's right. And I don't know if this helps at all, Heather, what you're saying about the weights. It's a great picture because they end up being weak. Like there's no strength. And I don't know if this helps at all, Heather, but we had Taylor, our beautiful Taylor in the booth. She's our phone screener. She's wonderful. And when you said, yeah, about unmarried women, she's nodding her head because a lot of men

in their 20s and 30s are back home. And great girls are like, oh, oh, but I got a failure to lunch. Matthew McConaughey, I gotta go home to your parents. And here's the thing, parents, for those of us, listen, I remember pacing the house with my wife asleep, not knowing how we were gonna do it. Like those, I can get real visceral real quick.

My son and my daughter, hopefully, thank God, will never experience that. That doesn't mean that they have won. That means that I'm gonna have to do different things to inject challenges into their lives, meaning I could buy you a car, I'm not going to. I could pay for everything, I'm not going to. I've got to inject struggle because at the end of the day I don't want to wake up and be in 30 and because of me, they don't have strength and they don't have grit.

That doesn't mean we're gonna intentionally make them suffer, but that means I've gotta be intentional about making sure they've got strength, that they develop different places that I developed, right? Absolutely. Just part of it. Yeah, and the relational aspect of life, whether it's within a marriage, kids, adult kids, I mean, all of it, there is, there's a lot of obstacles

and complications in different situations, but that's one thing, John, you talk a lot about. So I'm really pumped that you and Dave Ramsey are going on tour. Yeah, we're gonna be on the road. I know, so you guys are doing a money and relationships tour. It's Dave and the Kid. So it's Dave and the Kid, and again,

this is such a fun event because you, the audience, shape the content that they're doing. So it's calls just like this, of like, oh my gosh, relationally, here's the a fun event because you, the audience, shape the content that they're doing. So it's calls just like this of like, oh my gosh, relationally, here's the thing I'm dealing with or my money, here's this over here. And that, depending on the city, depending on who's in the audience,

ends up building out the event, which I love. I think that is so fun. So every show's gonna be different, all new stories. And yeah, I'm pretty excited about this. I don't usually get nervous. I'm kind of nervous for this. A, me and Dave being on stage together for two and a half hours is gonna be a trip.

And the audience lobbing grenades and it's gonna be a blast. So good. So if you are in Louisville, they'll be there April 21st, Durham, April 23rd, Atlanta, April 25th. That's my birthday. Happy birthday, Rachel.

I'm gonna get you two tickets. Oh my gosh, what a great gift. Phoenix, May 5th, Fort Worth, May 7th, and Kansas City, May 6th. You can go to ramsysolutions.com slash tour to check it out. And all of you listening on podcasts and watching on YouTube,

the show is ending for you. But if you head over to the Ramsey Network app, it is free. You can watch the third hour completely distraction free, which is awesome. And go further into all the content we have there. So make sure to check out the Ramsey Network app and we will see you there. Hey, you're still here? What are you doing?

You do know that the rest of today's show is playing right now over on the Ramsey Network app, right? All you gotta do to finish the episode is search Ramsey Network in the App Store, Google Play Store, or just click the link in the show notes to download the app for free. Yep, you heard me right, for free. Then right there on the home screen, you can watch the rest of today's show. Bada bing, bada boom. Alright, I'm getting out of here. Enjoy. We'll see you on the app.