The Resilient Mind - Build Unwavering Confidence - Mel Robbins

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

Mel Robbins is an accomplished author, motivational speaker, former lawyer, and one of the most sought-after self-help experts in America. Her TEDx talk, "How to Stop Yourself Over," has been viewed over 25 million times and has helped millions of people around the world change their lives for the better.Learn More About Mel's training: Make It HappenTake action and strengthen your mind with The Resilient Mind Journal. Get your free digital copy today: ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download Now⁠⁠ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Resilient Mind podcast. In this episode, you will be listening to Tools to Achieve Unwavering Confidence with Mel Robbins. Get access to the Resilient Mind Journal by clicking the link in the show notes. Enjoy. And so everything that I am going to share with you today is grounded in decades of research, the latest studies, and it all comes from a big body of work that I've published. We did a project for Audible called Work It Out, which won all these awards is the best business audiobook of the year when it was published.

It's all about women in the workplace and how you develop confidence so you can get paid what you deserve, promoted for the work that you are doing. One of the most popular courses on LinkedIn, for example, is called The Science of Confidence, and your friend Mel Robbins created it and teaches it for LinkedIn. And so there's a lot that I have to share about this that I can't wait for you to learn. And I also get asked all the time, Mel, how are you so confident? I mean, I see the photos of you in arenas giving speeches. I see the virtual events that you do that are broadcast to millions of people. In fact, this morning on the Today Show, I was on the Today Show with Jenna and Hoda.

So many of you reached out because you saw me live on TV and it was thrilling to get your DMs. And a lot of you commented, Mel, whoa, you just laid down on the the couch on live TV to make your point and you looked so at ease. How did you get so confident? Well, I'm telling you all of this not to brag, but because I not only understand this topic and the research, I have taught myself how to embody what I'm about to teach you. So, Heather, and you listening, by the time we are done with this episode, you're not only going to understand confidence, you're going to know exactly what to do in order to build it. Because confidence isn't what you think it is.

And this is kind of one of the big takeaways I'm going to give you in a minute. And there are five very specific tools that you can use to build confidence. And you want to build confidence because based on the research, confidence is for all of us. When you have more confidence, you get paid more. You will have a better job. You will be more admired by people. You will be listened to with more intention. You'll have greater influence. And confidence is a topic and a skill that I want absolutely everybody to learn. So this is also not just an episode that's here for you. I gave this the title of the confidence

toolkit because this is a toolkit for everybody. Anybody can learn the five simple tools that are grounded in the research in order to build greater confidence in order to bring breakthrough self-doubt. And so whether you mentor people or you have young adults in your life or colleagues or team members or family members that you wish could tap into that inner confidence, this episode is for all of us because I'm going to unpack the three myths that are related to confidence and the five tools. And in terms of my own experience with getting serious about creating the skill of confidence is it's a game changer. The more that you build confidence in your life, the greater the risks you're going to take.

And that's critical in business, in life, for fulfillment. I also have the ability to say no and not even be bothered by what other people are going to feel. Why? Because I have the skill of confidence. It also makes you an incredible negotiator because you realize you would rather be respected than be liked. and see this kind of need to be liked or to look good is part of the reason why you doubt yourself all the time. I want you to bring that power back internally. That's what the skill of confidence does.

And you'll also be able to recognize when you're afraid of something and that that fear is just kind of bullshit in your head. And you have a choice. You don't have to let fear stop you anymore. And that's where the skill of confidence comes in. And the same is going to be true for you. So I think it kind of begs the question. If confidence is something that we all want, why is it so hard to master? I'll tell you why. Because when it comes to the research around confidence, it is some of the most dry, boring.

No offense to the confidence researchers and writers out there. But I'm talking, if you have trouble sleeping, just print out a study about confidence. That'll put you into deep REM sleep. It's also confusing. And even Google isn't much of a help on this topic. If you search how to be confident, you know what the top results? One of them says, be true to you. What the hell does that even mean? Be true to you. And honestly, be true to you.

That is not what the research says. The problem and why it's hard for people to develop the skill of confidence is the research has not been boiled down into tactical information that you can apply to your day-to-day life. and that's where your friend Mel Robbins comes in. So here's your first assignment on today's podcast, because you know we're not just listening here. This is a doing podcast, and we're going to make this tactical and relevant immediately. Assignment number one, be selfish as you listen. I want you to listen a particular way.

I want you to listen and think what's in it for me. And so let me ask you a question to help you get really selfish. if you had more confidence, like I could go, and boom, you have more confidence than you've ever had in your entire life, how would your life be different? How would your future be different? Now, Heather has already shared that she has this awesome promotion, which she clearly earned. I mean, businesses don't just give those out as charity. If a business has promoted or hired you, they believe in your ability to execute. But now she's freaking out. she doesn't have the confidence now when you think about confidence how would more confidence

help Heather's life be different well confidence would allow Heather to step into that role right and she would be able to lose the self-doubt and the imposter syndrome and the panicking and she'd be able to act like the leader that the organization promoted her to be right without all the like nervousness and crap going on in her head what about you let's get selfish What would more confidence allow you to do that you're not currently doing? Would you be able to say no? Would you be better with boundaries? Are there more risks you would take?

Is there a conversation you've been avoiding with yourself or someone else? Would you be able to stand up for yourself, advocate more for yourself, ask for what you need? What about work? Would you be more visible? Would you speak up more? All of that that you just envisioned. it's all within your reach. And so let's talk about something that Heather said. Heather said in her question that she doesn't, quote, feel confident in the new role. I don't feel confident.

And so I want to start by giving you a definition of confidence that will change your ability to build it as a skill. This definition of confidence I have been sharing for years, and I think I created it based on the research because I haven't really seen it out there before. And this definition is going to surprise you because it's a definition of confidence that puts the research into action. See, here's the mistake that everybody makes. Heather made the mistake because she said that I don't, quote, feel confident. And I bet you're making this mistake with confidence, too. In my book, based on the research, that's where we get it wrong. Confidence is not a feeling. Confidence is embodied in action. My definition of confidence is confidence is the willingness to try. I'm going to say it again.

Your new definition of confidence embodied by the research, confidence is the willingness to try. Confidence is an action. That's what it is. And this phenomenon has been heavily researched by social psychologists, and there's even a term for confidence being an action. See, there's this positive feedback loop that happens when you're willing to try something before you feel ready, when you're willing to step into that leadership role and put yourself out there and take risks and make mistakes and shove that self-doubt to the side. When you're willing to try, neuroscience research says that you create something called a confidence, competence loop. And let me explain this to you, there's a lot of common sense here, right?

Every single time you try something new. You're either going to be really good at it or you're going to be terrible at it, right? But you always learn something. But you have to try. So Heather is going to step into this new role. She's trying out a new role. She's either going to be really good at it or she's going to be miserable at it. Boundaries, you might be really good at it when you start trying to set them.

You might be really miserable at it. But here's the thing. If you try something for the first time, you're either going to fail or succeed, but you always learn something. And that's where this confidence, competence loop and the neuroscience research comes in. Because even when you try, when you learn a little something, you gain a little competency, right? Because of everything that you learned the first time around, it gets a little bit easier. It gets a little bit better. But it all begins. with being willing to try, no matter where you're starting from. Because if you are the kind of person that's always willing to try, you will always grow and you will always learn. And the more that you try and the more that you learn, the less you doubt yourself, the less resistance that you have and bada bang, bada boom, all of a sudden you feel confident in this new role. All of a sudden you feel confident doing a backflip off a boat because you tried a thousand times and you belly flopped and you embarrassed yourself and you got a wedgy. And then what do you know? Because

you were willing to keep trying, all of that competency that got gained of trying over and over and over and over again, it's how you gained mastery. See, feeling confident is kind of, it's almost like the wrong way to say it, because that's what you feel after you've done it over and over and over again. But true confidence begins the moment you're willing to try. Okay? And so I really think it's important. I can give you another example. The first time somebody handed me chopsticks, but I had no idea how to use them. Was I nervous about picking them up?

And I couldn't get like my fingers to twist in the way that you're supposed to. And it was super embarrassed. And they kept like flipping across the table and everybody. Here's the thing. I didn't know how to use them. But isn't it common sense that there's no way I was going to learn? how to use them if I wasn't willing to try? See, being confident and the skill of confidence is the difference between saying, sure, hand me the chopsticks. I'd love to try. I'm willing to

look like an idiot. I'm willing to be a beginner first versus going, can you get me a fork? I don't know how to use those. Do you see the difference? The skill begins with being willing to try. So many of you saw me on the Today Show today. That is the culmination of 10 years of being willing to try, being willing to walk on a stage and have a panic attack or a neck rash, being willing to get behind a microphone and make terrible content or say stupid things or look terrible in videos. You know, you've got to remember what you're seeing is a person on the Today Show who has been working hard for 10 years trying over and. and over and over and over and learning and failing. That's what you're witnessing. You're witnessing competency.

But the skill is something different. The skill of confidence is trying. And, you know, let me remind you of a fact. Everybody starts at zero. Everyone. Whether you're trying to learn guitar or you're building a social media following or you want to get into the YouTube space or you're writing a book or you're selling everybody starts at zero. That's how I started. Zero speech is given. Zero television experience.

Zero social media following. Zero email addresses. Zero competency in front of a camera or on a microphone. I mean, even take this podcast. Starting this, I started at zero. The tech is intimidating. There are five million podcasts on Spotify alone. I'm 54 years old. I don't know how to do that. I haven't done this before. I haven't been in the seat of the person that hosts, but here's the difference with your friend Mel Robbins. I'm willing to try. I lean on this skill of confidence that I've built because I have the definition that's grounded in research. And so do you. You're not going to feel confident.

You're going to act in accordance with the research of confidence. You, my friend, are willing to try. that's the secret you know i'm going to tell you a story um a lot of you have seen my tedx talk so i have one of the most popular and most viewed tedx talks in the world i think it's got almost 30 million views at this point it's a ted talk called how to stop screwing yourself over and if you watch my 21 minute long ted talk you know what you're witnessing you are witnessing a 21 minute-long panic attack. That was the first official speech I had ever given in my entire life. I was terrified of public speaking. And most people are terrified of public speaking. When I was in elementary

school, middle school, high school, college, law school, whatever I got called on in class, bright red. Bright red. My mind would immediately go blank. The only job I got out of law school was working for legal aid as a public defender in New York City. And when I had to stand in court all day, I was not talking to an audience. I'm talking to a judge and a bailiff and police officers and the prosecutor. It's not like some big stadium. You're in a small courtroom where you see the same people day in and day out. That's not a speech. That's like talking in a meeting at work. But nevertheless, I was so afraid of speaking out loud as a new attorney. I would get these monster neck rashes all over my neck and chest. You know, the kind of rashes that people get when

they're nervous or they've had too much to drink or they get an allergic reaction to food. That was Mel Robbins, the early years. You know how I dealt with that neck crash and that fear? I would wrap a scarf around my neck or I'd wear a turtleneck as an attempt to try to hide it. In fact, even when I became an on-air commentator for CNN, I was part of their legal team in terms of providing commentary for CNN. I did that for three or four years. incredible experience. Never done that before. Why was I willing to do that, knowing that half the time my cheeks would turn bright red, half the time I'd be worried that I might say something stupid. I'll tell you why, because I understand the skill of confidence. You build it by being willing to try.

You have to start at zero, and nobody wants to start at zero. You want to step into this new role and think that you have it all figured out. Well, guess what? You don't, because you've never done this before. But if you're willing to try, if you're willing to make mistakes, if you're willing to understand that by showing up every day and trying and trying and learning and failing and falling on your face and dusting yourself off and like putting in the work, eventually the competency catches up. And what neuroscience says is what you're actually experiencing when you can use chopsticks because you've been trying, or when you can stand on a stage and you don't have a neck rash that looks like you just got stung by a bee and you're about to go into anaphylactic

shock. When you can do that, you want to know why you can do that? It's because the number of times that you've tried have lowered the resistance in your own brain and body to doing it. And so it feels easier. It feels effortless. It's not that you're quote, more confident. It's that you've built up the competency so that you know how to do it without even thinking about it. And so that's why your friend Mel is so successful, because I'm willing to, A, start at zero, and I'm willing to keep showing up over and over and over and trying and trying, despite my doubt, despite my fire engine red cheeks, despite my flush neck, I've not only gained the competency and settled those nerves, but over time, by doing exactly what I'm about to

teach you to do, I went from somebody who was terrified of public speaking to becoming one of the most talented, respected, and requested and booked public speakers in the entire world. world. That's what's available to you today. And so the other thing I want to talk about really quickly is I know that what you think you're up against Heather and, you know, if you're struggling with confidence, is that, oh, imposter syndrome. I got imposter syndrome. Well, no shit you have imposter syndrome because you haven't done this before. See, I see imposter syndrome is a really good thing. Because when you feel like an imposter in a role, that's just a fancy way of saying you're trying something new. And so starting today, if you're in the game of building confidence, everybody,

you've got to open your arms, you've got to reach out for that imposter syndrome. Because if you don't have imposter syndrome, you're not doing anything uncomfortable. And if there's one thing I've learned in life after 54 years is that it's only by making yourself face things that are uncomfortable, that you're going to grow into the best version of yourself. If you always do the things, that you're comfortable doing, you will never, ever, ever experience what might be possible because you're not pushing yourself. And so I don't want you to fear imposter syndrome. I want you to see it as a good thing. Oh, I feel like an imposter. Great. I'm trying something new. This is confidence building. Here we go. And speaking of the myth, that imposter syndrome is a bad

thing. No, no, no, no, no. You're learning. When it comes to building confidence, you've got to embrace that imposter syndrome period because it means you're trying and you're learning and you're gaining competency, and we love that around here. And this allows us to talk about myth number one about confidence. And that myth is that confident people are the loudest and most extroverted in the room. So first things first, Alex, stop beating yourself up because you're a little bit more introverted. And what I can tell based on your question is that you do want to be more visible. you do want to have a breakthrough in the skill of confidence because you do want to be somebody that's contributing your ideas. And so I want to tell you the truth about confident people. Confident people

are very often the quiet people in the room because there's a huge difference between confidence and bravado. You know, they're not the same thing. Confidence has nothing. to do with swagger. It has nothing to do with how much you talk or blab on and on in class. If you're truly confident, you've built that skill, you don't have to prove anything to anybody because you know that confidence is simply being willing to try. It's not about being extroverted or introverted because confidence is not a personality trait. Confidence is a skill that you can build. And so I want you to also be honest with yourself. Go back to being selfish in this episode because you're talking about, quote, these high achievers and you're not naturally an extrovert.

If you're selfish, Alex, how would the skill of confidence change the way you're showing up? Because if you answer my question to you with the answer, oh, I would talk more in class. Oh, I would advocate more for my ideas. Oh, I would raise my hand and I would put my name in the ring for certain opportunities before, you know, stopping myself and thinking about it. If you can answer that question how the skill of confidence would change the way you're showing up, great. Then use the definition of confidence now to push yourself to try those things that you believe that more confidence would be having you do

because that's how you're going to build competency in those things you're not doing now. Let me tell you the second myth about confidence. See, a lot of people believe that confidence is built when you're winning. Not true. Not true. The truth is that confidence is like steel. It's forged in the fire of your life. You don't create the skill of confidence when life is easy. Confidence, that reserve, that skill that you build,

it's created in the moments that are hard. Confidence requires you to try. It requires you to feel like an imposter. It requires you to start at zero. It requires you to do things that you've never done before. And if you're naturally more introverted, sometimes speaking in class can be as scary as jumping out of an airplane, you know, and going skydiving.

But that's okay because you can try and you can fail and your cheeks can turn bright red and you can say something that doesn't sound that like PhD sounding. And you know what? You're not going to die. It's going to be okay because you're willing to try and learn. And that's what's at the heart of this skill. It's not judgment.

It's curiosity. It's leaning forward. It's trying. It's action. And here's the third myth about confidence. And that is, you know, I often hear people say, I lost my confidence. Nope, nope, you didn't. The truth is, you cannot lose confidence. See, you're just blocked from the feeling of it because you stopped trying, which is the source of it. So let me give you an example. If you sit there and say, you know, oh, I must have lost some confidence along the way because now I'm around all these great achievers and they're always talking in class and I feel like a complete idiot, blah, bitty, blah, bitty, blah, no, no, you haven't lost anything. Because what's the definition of confidence? Confidence is the willingness to try. And you're in a

chapter of your life where life is testing you. If you're around all these high achievers, it's because you belong there. And it's because you're meant to grow. And that resistance and pressure that you feel internally, do not aim that at yourself as if something's wrong with you. there's no difference between the high achievers and you, Alex? The only difference is your willingness to try something that's a little scary, to show up, to be seen, to share your ideas. You know, there's this TED talk that I absolutely love called Who Are You Really? And it's by Dr. Brian Little. He's a professor over in the UK. And the entire 20-minute talk is all about the fact that he's profoundly introverted in his life.

but because teaching matters to him, he has taught himself how to be profoundly extroverted when he's teaching a class. Now, it's wildly draining for him because he's an introvert, but I'm trying to tell you you're not in a fixed place and confidence is a skill you can bill if you're willing to try. And I can tell you are because it matters to you. And tool number one, take action. This is obvious. I understand. We have the definition of confidence. Confidence is the willingness to try. You're not going to change your life or build confidence by thinking about the things you need to do. You must take action. And so the best action to take, the number one tool for helping you take action in those moments where you feel imposter syndrome or you feel nervous or you're embarrassed or you start to doubt yourself or you feel anxious. Whatever the feeling is, forget the feeling. Screw the feeling. We got to take action in those moments. because remember we're building confidence. It's going to require you to try. Just use my five-second rule. I told you the whole story about how I created it, the science behind it in the episode we released

way back in the day called Motivation is Garbage. I'll link to that. But if you're brand new to the podcast, let me give you the shortcut. When you're in a situation where you start to doubt yourself, you're just going to count backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and then you physically move. within five seconds. So here's how you can use it. Heather's talking about the fact that she wants to build confidence in this new role where she's been promoted. There are things that she needs to do as a new leader, but she doesn't have the competency yet. Instead of thinking about those things, she can use the five-second rule, 5-4-3-2-1, to interrupt that self-doubt, which is right there in the interior part of your brain and your basal ganglia. It's a pattern to doubt yourself.

And as you start counting backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, your mind switches gears and your prefrontal cortex gets involved. And that's the part of the brain that controls your focus. It helps you interrupt thoughts and feelings of self-doubt. And it draws the part of your brain that will help you take action, will help you engage in strategic thinking, will help you encode new behavior and habits. It will help you tap into your courage. That's it. That's all that it is for Alex, who is.

surrounded by all these high achievers the next time she's sitting in a classroom and she has something that she wants to share instead of shrinking in her seat she's going to try and the five second rule is going to help five four three two one and then she's going to shoot that hand up in the air because you know what Alex has something to say and even though she doesn't feel comfortable even though she might get a neck rash even though her cheeks might go fire engine red and even though she might stutter or stumble or have dry mouth or whatever might happen, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, she is willing to try. Because here's something I want you to understand. You can tap into courage before you start having that feeling of assuredness.

Courage is what you tap into. Confidence is what you're building over time. I'm going to say that again. Courage comes first. Courage, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. start counting backwards, man, that is an act of courage because you're going for it. Courage comes first. Confidence is what builds over time.

How cool is that, right? I absolutely love this because what I'm ultimately teaching you, and this again relates to all the research, is that there's two types of people out there. There are people who think about what they want to do, and then there are people that find the courage to take action. And that's what I want for you. because you're not going to think your way out of fear or doubt or insecurity. You're not going to think your way through your fears and anxiety.

The fact is you have greatness inside you. And I want you to start tapping into it. It's only through action that you unlock that power inside you and you become the person that you're meant to be. I mean, that's how I've created the life that I have now. if I didn't learn how to 5,4, 3, 2, 1, push myself to try, I'd still be sleeping in a bed, staring at the ceiling, consumed with anxiety, feeling like I had ruined my life. That's how you change your life. You have to take action over and over and over again.

And so I think you get this. You get that you're not going to change or build confidence by thinking about doing this. 5, 4, 3,21, stop thinking, and start taking some risks. Start trying. Put a bet on yourself. Let's freaking go. Thank you for tuning in. Continue strengthening your mind by listening to our other episodes.