The Resilient Mind - Let Them Theory - Mel Robbins

Episode Date: March 2, 2025

This episode is brought to you by the Self-Conscious podcast, hosted by Chrissy Teigen. Mel Robbins is an accomplished author, motivational speaker, former lawyer, and one of the most sought-after self-help experts in America. Her TEDx talk, "How to Stop Yourself Over," has been viewed over 25 million times and has helped millions of people around the world change their lives for the better.Listen to Self-Conscious by searching for it on your favourite podcast platform.Take action and strengthen your mind with The Resilient Mind Journal. Get your free digital copy today: ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download Now⁠⁠ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today we have something special for you. We want you to hear the first episode of a new podcast, Self-Cconscious with Chrissy Teigen. We hope you enjoy this episode, and be sure to subscribe to Self-Cconscious with Chrissy Teigen to hear more. You're listening to Self-Cconscious with Chrissy Teigen, an audible original podcast. Join me as we explore the cutting edge of health, wellness, and personal growth with the world's leading experts and thinkers. From inspiring stories to actionable insights, our conversations aim to help you lead a healthy, happier, happier, and more productive life. We often find ourselves overwhelmed by the expectations and behaviors of those around us,

feeling an almost instinctive need to control or influence their actions. We try to manage relationships, predict reactions, and adjust our own behaviors to maintain harmony or gain approval. However, the key to a more peaceful, fulfilling life may not be in controlling others, but in just letting go. Enter Mel Robbins' Let Them Theory. It's a simple yet profound idea. Let people be who they are without letting their issues become your own,

whether it's family judgments, friends' expectations, or strangers' opinions. Robbins offers a radical shift. Instead of getting caught up in what others think, we focus on what we can change, our own responses. Mel Robbins is one of the most sought-after voices in personal development. Known for her practical, no-nonsense tools and science-backed strategies, Robbins has helped millions of people change their lives. As a best-selling author, motivational speaker, and host of the globally popular Mel Robbins podcast, her relatable advice on mindset, behavior change, and mental health has resonated with audiences around the world.

Today, Robbins will offer a master class in letting go of other people's toxic expectations and reclaiming power in our relationships. We'll dive into practical examples of how this mindset can reduce stress, help us set healthier boundaries, and allow us to stop carrying the weight of other people's drama. Mel Robbins, welcome to self-conscious. Thank you so much for being here. This is so exciting for me. This is a conversation that I am so ready and excited to have and to have you here doing it with me. I feel very lucky and special. So thank you so much for being here.

It's just such an honor to be here with you. And I know that you hold nothing back. So I cannot wait to jump in and see where we're going to go with this. What inspired the creation of the Let Them Theory? So the let them theory is the fastest way to take control of your life. It taught me the more you learn how to let other people live their lives, the better your life is going to be. And the more you learn to let people be themselves, the better your relationships get. And there's two parts to the let them theory. It's super simple. Part one is whenever you feel yourself getting frustrated or stressed out or annoyed or worried about what somebody else is. doing or feeling or saying, just say, let them to yourself. And that's going to allow you to rise above what's happening. And it's going to cue you to stop trying to control other people. And the second step, Chrissy, is when you say, let me. And this is where you get your power back. When you say,

let me, you're reminding yourself that your power is not in what other people are doing. Your power is always in your response. When you focus on what you're going to do in response, You are now in control of your life. I can say that to myself all I want. I can say let them, let them, let them think their thoughts, let yourself be misunderstood. It's okay. You have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, a wonderful life. But it is so incredibly challenging for me.

The one thing I wish I could change was that I wish I weren't so misunderstood and I wish people knew how good I was. And it's so desperate sounding and so sad. but that for me is my biggest battle in life. Why are you concerned about what other people think? What is it that you're actually afraid of? Since I was little, I really wanted to be loved, and I really wanted adoration and affection. I had a parent that was not very touchy-feely.

I felt growing up that I was someone that she could show off. And so when I was little and going up to people and saying my words in tie or doing what I was told and being good, I got really good feedback from that. And it got that feeling of always wanting to be really good for everybody. And it's been in me since I was little. Thank you for sharing that. And here's the thing. I think we all struggle with this. It is normal as a child to want to feel loved and we actually need it.

That's why we bond with our caregivers. That's why we seek out that affection. It makes us feel safe. But what happens when we become adults is that we never actually mature our ability to get that adoration and love and approval from ourselves first. One of the things that you are going to love about implementing the Let Them Theory in your life is that it truly teaches you to stop that habit of looking outside yourself for the thing that you're actually seeking, Chrissy. The more that you let other people be, the better your life gets. And the more you learn to let other people be themselves, the better your relationships get,

especially the relationship with yourself. Does that make sense? The relationship with myself is the the hardest part. I've always been a punisher, whether it was through diets and food emotionally or drinking. I always inflict some kind of pain on myself and punish myself for letting people down or feeling like I wasn't good enough in a group of people. And it's so all encompassing. I very rarely leave the house because when I do and I interact with people out in the world, whether it's through work or just being out shopping at the grocery store, I just destroy. myself and work so hard to make sure that they had the really good experience with me. And then I come home and I dwell on it forever. It's getting so exhausting being this mean to myself. And I don't

know what it's like to not be that way. And if I could heal that part of myself, so much would change. So much of my day would be free to think of other things that really matter. But right now, I'm in the prison of it. You're clearly in a prison of it. Because you've given all the control to other people. Your worth, your value, whether or not you're happy, whether or not you are proud of yourself, is entirely given away to other people's reactions or what they say. And just like you cannot control what another human being feels, you will never be able to control what someone else thinks about you. I can by being really good. No, you can.

No, you can't. When we're done talking, can you control what I'm going to say about you when my two daughters are like, can you actually control what my thoughts and feelings about you are going to be? No. I know that. I'm saying that, but there's another level of me that's I can do the best I can to ensure that you are. Here's what I want you to focus on. The issue is you're focused on me and what I think of you. I want you to start focusing on you and what you think of you. That's what matters. And I'm going to prove something to you. The people that love you the most. So who loves you more than anybody on the planet? John.

And who do you feel the safest with? John. Do you think John has negative thoughts about you? No. Bologna. I know you love John. So give me some negative thoughts and opinions that you've had about John today or yesterday. Oh, God.

I think one of the only fights we really get in is about scheduling or being home enough, being together enough, without kids sometimes. I'll share some for mine. So my husband gets up in the morning and farts and I'm like, you're disgusting. Or I worked late last night and it came down in the kitchen and he was eating cereal. And I'm like, why don't you, you're not making dinner? What the hell? That's a negative thought. My daughter Sawyer, she's so intense.

I'm like, you need to chill, dude. My daughter, Kendall, I love her to pieces. Yeah, the kid thing is easier for me. I probably have, because the kids can drive you crazy. But John is so even keeled and just. But doesn't that drive you crazy? Aren't you like sometimes? God, John, don't you like?

Yes, I want some passion sometimes. I want him to get mad at me. I want him. But yeah. So that's an example of even though you love the person, negative thoughts pop in your mind. It doesn't make you love him less. And there are times where you drive John flipping crazy.

He may not be telling you this, but he's thinking in his mind something about you. And the point I'm trying to make is the average human being has 70,000 thoughts a day, Chrissy, and they can barely control what they're thinking. There is never going to be a moment where you can ensure that another human being thinks something that you want them to think. That's not where your power is. Your power is in the let me part. So whenever you feel yourself, getting worked up, whether it's a press storm or it's something else, let them.

When you spend all your time and energy exhausting yourself to make everybody else happy, you lose yourself. It is not your job when you become an adult, Chrissy, to manage or fix other adults' emotions. As a parent, are responsible for helping your children process their emotions because children cannot regulate their own emotions without an adult helping them. But you are never responsible for managing someone else's emotions when they are an adult, no matter what you do. And I'm going to share some things with you to have you really try to embrace the truth of what

I'm saying and the freedom that is available to you. Because it's so sad to me to see a woman that I respect who has an extraordinary marriage. You do so many remarkable things. You are an unbelievable businesswoman. And you place all of this power that you have in the hands of strangers on the internet. And you don't have to live like this. It's so interesting. When someone tells me something that I needed to hear or when I have an epiphany about something, I get this like incredible throbbing in my wrists and arms. And I can really feel it so hard now. Well, what is the epiphany that you're getting?

That I'm not alone in this. Sometimes it feels very isolating to feel this way. And the fact that other people feel imprisoned by this too, that helps a lot. Because one of the worst parts about it is me feeling crazy or feeling that nobody else will understand this feeling. Why am I like this? I'm really scared of passing. this along to my kids. I think that is the big realization for me is I can't do this to my kids. I don't ever want them to feel like they have to perform for everybody and be good all the time. But I know that

sometimes I probably am that way. I do want them to be the most polite. And I don't want people to think that they're just celebrity asshole kids. And so I might go harder the other direction to make sure that they don't come off that way. And I really need to break that because I'm okay. And this is another reason I'm in therapy. I'm okay with me getting the shit end of the stick on anything or living this life where I'm stressed and in pain. But I'm not okay with them.

Yeah. Well, I can see it really bothers you. Yeah. Yeah. Because I see how much my interactions with adults as a child. affected me from so many different layers, whether it was sexual or the reason I became such a people pleaser. And that was through sleeping with people. It travels so far in my life. It's not just that I wanted to smile and say my little tie words for people. It went in. It started that way,

yes. But then I ended up believing, sorry, I ended up believing that I was for everybody. and my body was for everybody and it took a hold on every part of my life. And as you can see, it still has a hold on me now. So I cannot imagine this for my kids. I hope that they don't want to please everybody in life. And I hope that they know that their body is their own, their mind is their own, their actions are their own, and they can't control other people. I cannot have them live this way that I live. Who is going to teach them this? And that's the enormous opportunity that you have. When you understand what you're dealing with, you have the ability to face it and to make decisions to live differently. And that's exactly what you're doing. And your kids watch you. And they are

watching how much strangers and other people impact how you feel about yourself. And so as you take this on and you truly start to separate what is your responsibility to manage, which is your thoughts, your feelings, your words, when you focus on that and you align your values, with how you show up in life and you put yourself first in that regard, you are also showing your children that their opinion of themselves is more important than what anybody else says or does because they're no longer seeing their mom destroyed by what other people are saying. It always amazed me that I was the give no fucks girl. I'm like, you guys have no idea how many thucks I give. Well, anytime anybody says, I don't give a shit what they think, you know they totally

do, because it's when you have to say that out loud. It's evidence that you are still processing something that bothers you. How can someone start practicing let them with close family members where emotional ties and expectations run deep? You're going to need the let them theory with your family more than anywhere else in your life. Here's the truth about your family. They're not changing. and they have the strongest opinions. They have the strongest opinions about who you are and what you should do and how you should live your life. And they think they're right.

And they also anchor their opinions in wanting the best for you. The let them theory allows you to let your family be who they are. Stop trying to change them. Stop expecting them to change. give them the space to roll their eyes, give them the space to not be that transformed. Our parents gave us what they gave us based on what they had to give. Most of our parents do not want to look at their issues. They've never been to therapy.

They didn't get the emotional support that they needed. And so they only repeated the patterns that were done to them. And I don't say that to justify anything. that happened. I say that because I find that it is helpful to understand that so that I don't feel like it is such a personal thing. See, I just said that you can't change your family, but I didn't say you couldn't change yourself. All it takes is one person in a family to start showing up differently. And the beautiful thing about a family is that it is an interconnected network of relationships. If you start showing up and you're calmer and you're less reactive to mom's outbursts and you are more accepting and you have better boundaries, a funny thing happens, it starts to ripple through the entire family system because you're the one that changed.

You mentioned that let them can radically shift how we approach conflict. What can someone do in a tense situation where they feel overwhelmed by someone else's emotions? using the principles of let them. One of the things that triggers me a lot, Chrissy, is that we've got three adult kids, and recently one of them went through a breakup. And I felt just destroyed by having a child that was mourning the loss of a relationship.

And using the let them theory, it's hard. I'm not going to lie. It's easy to say the words, let them be sad, let them be in a depressive state, let them cry for days, let them be worried that they're never going to meet somebody. I'm talking adults here. The space to process normal, healthy human emotions is an act of love. It's a mentally healthy response, and that's what you can ask yourself. Is the response appropriate for the thing they're going through? And it is appropriate for somebody to be sad and devastated and grieving when they get broken up with.

Let them. If you screw up at work, it's appropriate for your boss to be upset or disappointed. Let them. Let people have the space to feel what they need to feel. Do you find yourself less confrontational because of the let them theory? will you still look at somebody dead in the eyes and say that disappointed me or you disappointed me or that wasn't a good job because that's very tough for me as well? I am way less confrontational and here's why. The point of life is to allow yourself to live your life. And you won't feel the full potential of your life if you hold yourself hostage to managing everybody else. And so for me, there's a lot of stuff I used to pour my time and energy into that's not worth my time and energy. There's a lot of email change.

And I'd be like writing an email because I'm all stressed out about something and trying to prove my point. Just to make it worse. There's a lot of conversations where I would chime in because I would hope somebody would think something about me that I realize I don't really have anything to add here. And it's created a tremendous amount of peace in my life. And the part that you and I have talked a lot about, which is letting them feel what they need to feel, not making. at your job to manage somebody's feelings and letting people have negative thoughts, it has created so much peace because when you let other adults be adults, you also let yourself be you. And you can't do that until you first stop trying to manage what other people are thinking

and feeling. you can think a negative thought about John and you can still love him and he can think that you're messy or late or you're too emotional or he probably has a lot of opinions about how you let everybody else get to you and it frustrates him and makes him sad and all this stuff and he still loves you and is proud of you and thinks you're the most amazing strong human being on the planet based on everything that you've survived. Two things can be true at once. And it can also be true that the press can write horrible things about you.

And you know you are a good person because you know how you live your life every day and what you value. And when you learn how to hold space for both things to have, happen, there is this incredible peace and power that's going to come over your life, Chrissy. I feel lighter even thinking about it. So I can't imagine if I actually said this to myself on a daily basis or high-fived myself in the mirror in the morning and said something nice. This is a different kind of conversation is because the let them theory isn't a concept. It's a tool. And so it's not something that you're going to talk about. It's something you're going to use in your life. And when you say let them, you're practicing something called detachment theory, which is detaching from your emotions and detaching from managing other people.

And you're practicing stoicism, which is about focusing on your response. You're practicing radical acceptance. You're drawing from tenets of Buddhism and major world. religions, and you are also tapping into neuroscience and the truth that you can't control other people, which is why you feel crazy when you try to do it. And the tool is what's powerful, the saying of let them, and then the let me part reminds you of where your power is. When you start using it, you're going to use it all the time, because I'm going to be honest, other people are super annoying, and they're very stressful, and they do things that are irritating as hell, and your kids will have

tantrums and do stuff that you don't want them to do and they're going to fight you on putting their shoes on and you're just going to let them. Thank you for listening. This episode was brought to you by the new podcast, Self-Cconscious with Chrissy Teigen. Subscribe to Self-Cconscious with Chrissy Tegan to hear more.