The Resilient Mind - The Power of Self-Love in Communication - Simba Nyazika

Episode Date: December 18, 2024

Discover the transformative power of self-love and how it affects how we communicate. We’ll explore how embracing your authentic self can unlock confident, anxiety-free conversations in every aspect of life—whether at work, in relationships, or with family. Learn actionable strategies to overcome communication blocks, express yourself with clarity, and build stronger connections by first nurturing your self-worth.Download Mindset App for free and listen to 5000+ of the World's Greatest Motivational Speakers and Thought Leaders: https://bit.ly/mindsetxTheResilientMind Learn more by visiting: https://www.thebodylanguagetraininginstitute.com/Take action and strengthen your mind with The Resilient Mind Journal. Get your free digital copy today: ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download Now⁠⁠ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Resilient Mind podcast. In this episode, you will be listening to The Power of Self-Love and Communication with Simba Nyazica. Get access to the Resilient Mind Journal by clicking the link in the show notes. Enjoy. The plan for today is we are going to look at why we are the way we are. Why we struggle with self-acceptance, why we struggle with self-love, why we struggle with self-confidence and get a sense of why those things are hindling us from communicating as we want to communicate.

And then I'm going to start talking about how to start shifting that, not only using the principle of some psychology and neuroscience, but also looking at how we have learned things in the past and looking at ways that we can simulate our current environment so that we can actually feed our mind with positive information so we can actually change the way we think. We're going to be talking about changing your mindset, how to do that, effective tools to be able to do that, and really highlighting how malleable your brain is on a continuous basis. I'm going to be talking about how to, in the matter of speaking, how to consciously start controlling your emotions and engaging in specific habits and rituals

that allow you to actually stay in a positive state, stay in a more loving state, stay in a more confident state. And then I'll discuss some next steps where I'll share with you a whole bunch of resources that you can access so you can continue applying this information even after the day session.

And then, of course, I'll open it up to some Q&A. Perfect. So when we talk about body language, body language is our non-verbal, the non-available aspects of how we communicate. And so we are talking about the way we sound, the facial expressions that we provide, the gestures that we use when we are talking,

how we move in space, and how we interact with personal space when we are communicating with people, whether we are too close or too far. And all of these sends thousands of signals to the people around us, telling them how we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, and that communication, those signals influence how people are going

to respond to us. A lot of the times people think that people are responding to me in this way because maybe I have an accent. One of the things that I used to think is because, or maybe, because I'm black, or maybe because I don't have a high status position in my company. But what I've realized is that the primary mode in which people use to determine how to treat us, is how we are showing up, how we are communicating, how we are carrying us ourselves, primarily how our body language is conveying information. And if you can start mastering those components of how we show up and how we communicate, you'll actually realize that the way people respond to you is actually going to drastically change.

And because when we look at body language and we realize that body language is simply a reflection of what's going on up here, so the thoughts that we'll start. we are having and the attitude that we have, and what's going on in here, how we are feeling inside in that moment, then for us to truly master body language, we also have to become aware and conscious of the thoughts we are having and how we are feeling in that situation so that ultimately we can control our body language. Right now as I'm talking, most of you may not be aware of the pressure of the chair on your back or the pressure of the pressure of the floor on your feet or the sounds in your house.

But when I mentioned that, you end up becoming aware of those sensations on your body. And the reason why I'm bringing that up is when it comes to just looking at your body language and trying to control just the gestures alone, there is too much body language to control. There is too much body language to consciously control. And so if you can change how you feel inside,

then over 90% of your body language just falls into place. Think of it this way. If you've ever seen a person who's gotten a promotion or who just got a new job or who just graduated from their program, their body language, their demeanor is confident. They are certain. They are certain.

They don't have to try to be a specific way because they feel a specific emotion inside and their attitude is the attitude of success, which means that their body language is going to follow suit. And so in today's session, what I'm going to focus on is that mindset, is that emotional state by looking at your thoughts that you hold about yourself, by looking at the beliefs that you currently hold and where these beliefs might have come from,

and the difference between a thought and a belief is just a belief is a habitual way of thinking. It is a thought that you've practiced so many times that it has become habit. You don't even have to think about. We're going to be talking about paradons and then ultimately we're going to be talking about your emotions. And so in the chat, because we're talking about self-love

and self-acceptance, how would you define self-love or self-acceptance? Just type it in the chat or you can unmute yourself and say it out loud. So we've got freedom is one of the definitions. What else? Understanding your false and you're not perfect, absolutely. Anyone else want to take a guess in terms of what self-acceptance is.

It's confidence. Yeah. A positive feeling about your attributes, absolutely. Comfortable with self. Exactly. A certain level of comfort that you have with yourself, regardless of your qualities. And you feel you're okay, 100% being at peace and ease with myself.

Yes, peace with self, no judgment. Absolutely. Accept what you feel. Exactly. So a lot of us have a sense of what self-acceptance is. And so the definition we are going to be going with is the state of complete acceptance of oneself. True acceptance.

is embracing who you are without any qualification, condition, or exceptions. What is powerful about this definition is that when we are going to be talking about self-love and self-acceptance, there is a sense of being okay with who we are in terms of our strengths and our weaknesses. There's a sense of being okay that even though we might want to continue growing and developing and being better, we are happy with the current state that we are in this moment. Yes, maybe we could be better in this thing, but in this moment, it's a state of saying, I'm okay with who I am,

regardless of my weaknesses and my strengths. Yes, accepting myself regardless of any judgment, absolutely. And so when we talk about, okay, why is it challenging for us to get to that state of acceptance? Why is it challenging for us to just accept ourselves as we are. We have to take a step back and look at our history in terms of how we grew up. And there's this idea in psychology called paradigms. And paradigms are basically mental models that we use to make sense of the world. And these mental models or mental programs that we have are developed

based on how we were raised, based on the culture that we were raised in, based on how our parents, our guardians and the people around us responded to us. And we've got paradigms that work really well and serve us really well. And we've got paradigms that may not work really well and may not serve us well. And so all of us as we operate, we have these mental models, these mental programs that are continuously running in our mind. And what is interesting about this is that these mental models for most of us, they are unconscious. They are running without even our conscious awareness. And so an example of a paradigm might be a cultural paradigm where a culture believes in a specific set of routines or rituals that need to be done for the culture to be successful. So I know in some

cultures, for example, for you to reach adulthood, there might be a specific activity that you have to do, right? some countries is, okay, you have to go hunting so that you can actually achieve adulthood, or you have to have this specific ceremony to say that you have made it into adulthood. And so those ceremonies, those rituals are examples of paradigms that you might have. For us now, based on our own experiences, you might have had paradigms that might have been based on, let's say, our gender, for example. And so a common paradigm that you might see is boys don't cry. That's a paradigm that we have heard most commonly

in which a lot of young boys when they were still like young may be fell, started crying and then when they did cry, they had doubts around them telling them that boys don't cry, you have to be strong. And as kids, we believe everything our adults tell us.

So we are like, oh, okay, I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to be a boy, so I will not cry. So automatically they change. change the mental model, change the subconscious paradigm, two boys do not cry. And their behavior starts in feelings from that point on work and reflect that mental model. And what happens is as that child continues to grow, when, let's say they fall down and they don't cry, that behavior is reinforced by their adults around them. Oh, look, he's so strong, he doesn't cry.

And then that mental model continues to get reinforced. the point that the boy might end up being a man at 40, 60, 8 years old and does not know how to express his emotions because he's never actually had the opportunity to do that. The mental model that he's using at that age is the same mental model that he developed when he was still a kid. Another example is that there's a lot of cultures in which women like a girl being assertive might be seen as being a negative. And so one of the ladies that I coached years back,

her issue was going to talk in front of men in an executive office. And her experience when she was young was that she was very outgoing, bubbly, and she walked into a room where the men were talking. And she just wanted to come in, Daddy, look, Daddy look. And her response from her doing that was that, oh, that is not ladylike. They're supposed to be quiet and not supposed to interrupt man when they're talking. And so that mental model, that mental paradigm ended up being developed and reinforced over the years to the point that now she had started her own company.

She was in her 30s, but that mental model was still affecting his confidence, how she was communicating when she walked into a situation that are similar to this. And so we have to realize that our level of self-acceptance, how we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, is under the control of a mental paradigm. And what I'm hoping to get across in the time that we have together today is how you can, one, become aware of your mental paradigm, and then two, how you can actually start consciously shaping it

and consciously changing it so that you can feel the way you want to feel, think the way you want to think and ultimately communicate in the way that you want to communicate. And so part of the reason why when we look at, okay, why did we develop this paradigm and for us to create

the perfect ground which actually develop self-acceptance is we have to have an understanding of our two psychological needs that we had when we were children and realize that those two psychological needs also still play a role

when we are adults. And so we know that, again, as a child, we all have our basic needs, food, shelter, our safety. But we also have two psychological needs. The first one, being the need for attachment. And what this need is the need to feel connected, to feel valued, to feel that you're a part of someone or something. And so our need for attachment bonded us to our caregivers. And for a lot of kids, they will do anything to please their parents.

Our need for our attachment, especially when we're kids, is part of the reason why whenever we had an experience with a negative or positive when we're younger, that experience played a significant role in how we see ourselves. Because if the people that we're around you, that valued you, that you really cared about, told you that you're valuable, you are beautiful, you're amazing. then we'll believe exactly what they would have said. But if you didn't get that response,

and maybe it might not have been as overtly or consciously, but maybe through their non-verbial behavior, that may they are not good enough, that may they are not valued, that may they are not worthy of love, then because of that need for attachment will have engaged in behaviors that will have made us want to get that need.

And so the first psychological need is the need for attachment. And if we are not aware of how our attachment from our past impacts how we see ourselves, then we might grow up to be adults, for example, that might end up being people-pleasers. Or if you've heard of the attachment theory, that there are different attachment styles that people might have when they're going through relationships. And those attachment styles that people have when they're going through relationships are mirroring this psychological need that is, again, It's an ongoing need from a young age, but it's going to be ongoing as we become adults.

The second psychological need is the need for acinticity. This is the need for us to not only connect to how we feel, but also to be able to express how we feel adapted. If you've ever come from a culture where you have to respect your elders, like my culture, a lot of kids learn to not be authentic. And so a lot of our past experiences we have realized that our need for attachment and our need for authenticity are incongruent.

So a lot of people have actually suppressed their need for authenticity to maintain that attachment relationship with the people around them. This has gone to the point that when we look at ourselves, when people tell you, be yourself. Some people have no idea how to be themselves because they've suppressed their need for authenticity. so long that they are afraid of being themselves. They are afraid of speaking up.

They are afraid of setting those boundaries. And it is because, again, that need for authenticity has been suppressed for so long. And so the mental model they have is that I cannot be myself because when I become myself, people will not like them or people will leave me. And so we have to realize that as we move forward, these two competing needs will always continue to be playing a role. And the idea of becoming more self-loving and more self-accepting is realizing that these two needs are always going to be ongoing.

So there's going to be the need for attachment and there's going to be the need for accountability. And your ability to be courageous enough to be authentic in who you are is going to allow you to develop a level of self-love and self-respect. Because that's a component of it that you might not be feeling at this moment. But yeah, they're looking for attachment, right? they're looking for attachment, they're looking for that connection. And then when the kids don't get that, then if the parent maybe is too busy, or I'm too busy, to that kid, the kid is going to interpret it.

I'm not important. I'm not important. Because I find even get my parents attention, and that will create a mental model that if it's not remedied, would influence how they see themselves moving forward. So again, part of being people pleasing is, Again, that need for attachment that we mentioned earlier. So we all have a need for attachment.

But when people become people pleasing, is that they are so afraid to be authentic to themselves, to care for their need, that they are willing to sacrifice their own needs, their own values in order to maintain an attachment relationship with someone, even if it's at the expense of their own health, values, and self-respect. So that's part of the reason why.

And again, if you've practiced it multiple times, then you can end up becoming a habit. And so as mentioned, these two needs, we all have them. But the idea is that based on a lot of our past experiences, there's always been an imbalance between the two. Again, coming from Zimbabwe, we do not talk back to our parents. If I'm upset, I have to suck it up. But that idea of me, let's say being upset as a kid and sucking it up is suppressing and suppressed my need for authenticity

to the point that me being assertive was something that I had to relearn because my past experiences were if you speak up, you're going to get into trouble. And so again, there's always, not always, but a lot of us have that in balance and becoming aware of it is a good first step

to starting to correct it and making the changes so that we can have both those needs met when we are interacting with people. And so I got a message, can paradigms shift as an adult if they are learned absolutely. You are going to see later that your brain is always changing, always. And the idea about ensuring that the change is in the direction that you wanted to be,

it's about engaging in specific tools and strategies that will cover so that you are able to actually manage how your brain is going to be changing. And so a lot of us, again, we have had experience, early experiences, some positive, some negative. those early experiences have affected how we see ourselves. Some of us maybe we think that we're not good enough. Some of us might think that we're not worthy of love. Some of us might think that we need to keep people pleasing. And a lot of those early experiences from our guardians

were just reflections based on their own past experiences. And so a lot of caregivers, not like they consciously are malicious, they're just running the same mental model that they experienced when they were kids. And so it's almost like ends up becoming a generational thing. But as you become aware of it, as you become aware of your mental models and your paradigm, then you can choose to not repeat that cycle as you move forward.

And so when we start talking and starting to look at how to become more self-loving, we have to realize that the way we think right now, the way we see the world, the filter in which we interpret events is based on our, past experiences. And so if we want to start changing that, we also have to look at how can you start changing the experiences that we're having right now so that we can feed our brain with new information, new input, so that we can start changing those beliefs. Remember, beliefs are just habitual ways of thinking and how we think is always going to impact how

our experience is going to be. As an example, if there's a present, who believes that dogs are the most beautiful loving creatures in the world. Their experience when they see a dog is going to be vastly different from a person who's petrified of dogs. Same experience different responses towards them. And so when you realize that again our past experience is created our beliefs and our current beliefs are going to impact how we experience our current events, then shifting our beliefs is going to be the core of what we need to change so that we can actually develop a solid foundation for self-acceptance and self-love. And so when we talk about our beliefs to make it a little bit more concrete, is that there is this idea called the

self-image, which is particularly how you see yourself. And when we talk about the self-image, The concept itself was actually discovered in the 1950s, I believe, by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. We realized that the idea of the self-image was so important that it impacted people's weights, people's finances, it impacted people's grades. And what he realized from his study is that you can do everything right, but if you do not change your self-image, the results and the changes that you want to make in your life will not be lasting. And so, for example, if let's say people go on a specific weight loss plan, something physical and I think a lot of us can relate to, if a person is okay, I'm going to go on this diet, but they do not change the self-image that they have on themselves.

The diet can work to some extent, but there's always going to be to bounce back to what the person's self-image is. Because we always act in ways that are consistent with our kind self-image. So always acting ways that are consistent within our self-image. So when we are talking about beliefs and paradigms and all these components, to make it very simple, the question becomes is, what is your self-image? How do you see yourself? Because when we really become a world for our self-image, then we can actually start making those changes that will be lasting in terms of how we are going to be communicating. And so this is an example of beliefs, create yourself image, that some people could look in the mirror and they would see someone who's strong and buff and worthy and then they'll feel good about it.

And then other people will look in the mirror and then they'll be like, oh, I don't like what I'm looking in the mirror. But the reflection in the mirror might not necessarily be representative of what the reality is. but because of their self-image, it really impacts how they see themselves, which ends up again impacting how they feel about themselves. And so I keep saying this because our level of self-love and our level of self-acceptance, it's all based on our self-image. It's all based on how we see ourselves. And if we can start shifting that self-image,

then we can actually start changing how we feel about ourselves. So we have someone saying, when interacting with others, I tend to engage with them on their own terms, When I'm alone, I don't need to accommodate others, working the line, people pleasing narcissism when push comes. And so this is one of the things that, again, if you realize that, okay, every single time I'm afraid to even just assert myself. So it could be something as simple as like saying,

okay, you don't want to go out tonight or saying where you want to eat. So it could be in those neutral positions. Then if you notice that this is something that you struggle with, Then the question is, why do you, like, what is the reason that you are either afraid to assert yourself? And if you came to our asserted communication workshop two weeks ago, then you realize that assertiveness is not a bad thing. It's not being bossy. It's not being condescending. It's not caring about what other people are saying.

But it's about being aware of your values and being able to communicate your values. And so if you find it difficult to do that, the question is, Why is that the case? Why do you think that is the case? And that's something, again, just for you to ponder. How do you actually change self-image? So the first thing for us to change self-image, I'm going to be talking about these jewels,

is to become aware of what is your current self-image right now? How do you see yourself right now? That is the first step. Where are you in terms of your beliefs of who you are as a person yourself? So that is the first step before jumping to change it because you have a sense. of where you are. Is there fake it till you make it mentality,

then eventually changes? The fake it till you make it mentality, and it's a great question, is a great tool, but it shouldn't be the only tool. And so if, let's say, for example, you truly do not feel confident about a situation, but you have to be in that situation, let's say tomorrow, then the fake it till you make it is a great strategy

because, like, and you only have 24 hours to go into that situation. There's a lot more other tools than just that one. I'm not saying it's a bad one, but you want to also include other tools that work with, again, becoming a way of your self-image, becoming a way of how you see yourself, and then realizing, okay, how can I start changing the way I'm thinking

so that I can actually change my self-image and my mental model so that I don't have to fake it anymore, but I can actually be confident, assertive, and self-loving. And so I'm going to talk about that as, as well. Portia, that's a really great point. So if you feel like you don't have their self-image, we don't have enough time to get into that, but you can actually do an assessment to determine what your self-image is or to get a sense of how you feel about yourself. So you might not be conscious of it, but it's there more on a subconscious level. So the question is, can you find a way

to be able to do that? Yes, we can definitely do an assessment to be able to actually bring that out. So, Jules, thank you for sharing that because that's not easy to share. So one of the images we talked about is that when we interact with people, they're always going to be reflecting what their own mental model is. So if, let's say my mental model is of self-criticism, I judge myself really harshly, guess what? When I'm talking to you and I'm talking to my friends and I'm talking to anyone, I'm going to be projecting that same model onto other people. And the reason why I was talking about paradigms earlier is that a lot of people are not consciously aware that they are even doing it. They're not consciously aware of the mental paradigms that they are

working on. And so we might try to change and become the best in terms of what we do, hoping that they'll be like, wow, you are smart. But for a lot of people, that might never happened. We had one of the members in our community who she had two PhDs. And so I was saying that I still don't feel like I'm smart enough. Because her caregivers never told her that she's smart enough. So she was engaging in all these activities to try to change your external environment so she can get that external validation, but she never got it from the people that she wanted to get them from.

And what we talked about was, again, they also have their mental models. And so when we talk about changing our beliefs and changing our self-image, part of the idea of making it into a strong foundation is not relying entirely on our external environment to get that input. Because since we're kids, we've always required the external environment or people to tell us that, okay, we are good enough. But for some of us, we might never get that.

So we have to get to a point that we can start telling ourselves that we are good enough and have an opinion of ourselves that is at the same level, if not more important than the opinion that other people have of us. For some reason, a lot of us, myself included, if we are told, oh, we did a good job, we find it more impactful when someone tells us

as opposed to when we tell it ourselves. And one of the tools that we'll be talking about is having an opinion of yourself that is as strong and as solid as the opinion that others have of it. So we were talking earlier about how to start actually changing yourself image. And so the question we all need to ask ourselves and to ponder in the moment is, how do you see yourself? Do you see yourself as a lovable person or an unlovable person?

As a person worthy of respect or unworthy of respect? Are you a person whose opinion is valuable or you don't feel like your opinion is Godfalued? Do you feel good enough or do you not feel good enough? Do you like yourself? Do you enjoy your own company? How do you see yourself? And just take about 30 seconds to ponder this or write this down. How would you like to see yourself?

If what you wrote down initially was something that maybe, if you say, I don't think I'm worthy of love, how would you like to see yourself instead? What is the end goal that you're looking to achieve in coming to today's session or in working in this area? How would you like to see yourself instead? And you can quickly draw that down. I'll give you 30 seconds. And so for some of you, it might be I want to get to a point where I'm not impacted by how other people see me. I'm not as impacted by how other people's opinion of me because you might have, I'm looking in the check,

some family members that might have specific viewpoints. And maybe they'll choose, maybe they may not change. But getting to a point where, okay, I'm not going to rely on how they see me to determine myself words, to determine myself image. I'm going to build myself image based on a specific set of criteria that I am consciously going to create for myself. A lot of people, especially when they do their assessment, think that they lack confidence. A lot of people that do that assessment, people like, I'm doing that assessment

because I like confident. But what? 90% of people that do it, the issue is not confident because they are accomplishing a lot of things. They have accomplished a lot of things. The issue is that it is never good enough is that they never accept their successes because, again, maybe because it's of past experiences, maybe it's because the people around them do not recognize their past successes so they don't accept them as well. Part of confidence is realizing that it's good enough. Whatever accomplish is something to be celebrated. And so self-accepted is actually at the call of feeling confident.

And without it, you could feel confident, but it might not feel as grounded as it could be. So there's no issue in looking and learning from that person in terms of this person has got confidence. but one of the things that I've realized is that a lot of people that are successful will consider confident they also have their flows they are not perfect people

but they've embraced them and realize that okay there are certain things that I'm not good at there are certain things that maybe I might be a little bit awkwarder one of the adults that I worked with where artism was like you know what I've realized that I'm going to be socially awkward but that's my superpower

and so they don't go into the situation wanting to please people anymore, they realize that there are certain people that will resonate with how they communicate in terms of their uniqueness of communication, and there are certain people that are just going to look at them fun. And his acceptance of that idea allowed him to not be as stressed out, to not be as anxious about going into that situation.

We'll talk a little bit about this, but a lot of the stuff is going to require conscious effort. So when we talk about some of the tools that we're going to be talking about. Awareness, again, is the biggest thing is going to be you becoming aware of how you see yourself. The reason why it's important is that the strategies themselves will only be as effective

as how aware you are of what's going on inside your own mind. Some strategies work better for other people, but what's going to work well for you is going to be based on that awareness. If you've got social anxiety, we are going to talk a little bit more about that, But part of social anxiety is really thinking about other people, what other people are going to think, how you're going to act,

if something bad might happen. And we're going to be talking about how our mind works in terms of how we are interpreting different situations. Because in general, the mental model that a person with social anxiety has, it's interpreting a social situation as being a stressful event, as being requiring the activation of the survival like mechanism. It's more of how the situation is being interpreted. And what we are talking about today is you have a mental model and you might always have it,

but building a new mental model, a new mental filter that you can use, that allows you to not have as much social anxiety. And then you can start working and repeating that new mental model is what we're going to be working on doing. And the question to ponder is, what past experiences have you had that have impacted yourself image. When you look back at all your experiences, good, the bad, the ugly. And again, you don't have to share them, but think about, okay, what experiences have I had in my past that have

really impacted my self-image? I remember when I was back in Zimbabwe, my parents put me into grade one a year earlier than I was supposed to. And at that time, I did not know my EDCs. I did not know how to read, I did not know how to write. So I went to that school and I didn't know anything and I'm supposed to have this information. And literally that first day, people thought that they're like, oh, I'm stupid, what's going on? Don't even know how to write. You don't know how to read. You're like illiterate. And so the kids, they were very vocal about my, basically how smart I was. And that experience had a significant impact in how I saw myself moving forward to the point that even when I started doing my degrees, I started doing like double majors and wanted to, I had to graduate

with distinction. It was in all age. I was like very, like, upset over it. But the reason why, like, I was striving for that perfection was because that experience of me being made fun of when I was putting a year early to grade one, that paradigm, I didn't want to feel that anymore. And so that's an example of an experience that I had that impacted my mental model, which I've since changed since then.

And Drew, sometimes that's the tool that might be necessary, right? If, like, you realize that, okay, every single time this person is not good for you and you have to cut them off, that is also a way of setting, again, your boundaries, right? It might feel like it's black and white, but it's what works for you in this moment, then you'll use that. In the future, it might change, but, again, being grateful for the strength that you have to be able to do that. Because I think also a lot of people might be in a relationship with someone who's toxic, but they're unable to leave or unable to cut that person off. So the fact that you're

doing it is also showing a certain level of strength. So again, just realizing and recognizing, okay, I'm doing the best that I can because I maybe tried to find like a middle ground, but it didn't work, and I'm okay with it. Maybe I can try again in the future. In terms of, again, you might have the highest level of education. If that mental model that, okay, here the speech problem is still running in your mind, then of course you'll all, it'll never feel good enough. It will never feel good enough.

So we have to, not we have to. I recommend we start creating new mental models that we can use to influence how we see ourselves and then ultimately how we feel about ourselves. When we look at this material, one of the things that we can look at is how we talk to ourselves gives us insights into how we see ourselves. And so if, let's say, you are anxious about social situations,

and I'm like, hey, let's go to a social situation, and then you're like, oh, how's it? And then you engage in all this self-talk. That gives you insights into not only a self-image, but the mental paradigm that you are working. And so you can take a pause and be like, okay, I'm running this mental model that makes me fearful of social situations. I'm running this mental model that makes me feel,

fearful of going into healthy relationships. I'm running this mental model that makes me fearful of speaking up in this situation. Reflect on that mental model and be like, okay, what would I want to have it be instead? When we talk about, again, our self-talk and I will talk to ourselves, basically becoming aware of the things that we say to ourselves is very important. And maybe this, I'll give you one minute to just write down how you talk to. to yourselves. Before we talked about how do you see yourself? Do you like yourself? Do you enjoy it now? This second activity is how do you talk to yourself? And so you write down whether

it's positive or whether it's negative and then just write down again. This is how I talk to myself on a daily basis. I'm good enough. I'm not good enough. No one will like me. I'm unworthy. I'm worthy. Whatever it is. Write that down on a piece of paper. And so the first tool we have been talking about some of the tools, but the first tool that we're going to be talking about today in terms of how to start changing it is, again, shifting your self-talk. Because how we talk gives us insights into our self-image, which gives us insights into our paradigms. And writing down how you talk to yourself is the first step, or becoming aware of it. The second thing is, from this point on, when you move forward, you want to disrupt that self-talk.

So if it's not empowering, so let's say if it's I'm not good enough or I hate myself, don't keep having that repeating in your mind. Because if you keep repeating in your mind, then it's going to continue being ingrained in your mind. And so if you notice that, hey, I'm saying I hate myself. Don't you disrupt it and then replace it with either a positive or a neutral self-talk phrase. The replacement could be I love myself. But if that's too big of a jump, you might say something like,

I'm learning to be okay with myself. I'm learning to like myself. I'm learning to be okay with who I am as a person. Or I'm becoming okay with myself. I'm becoming okay with who I am. I'm becoming okay if I'm successful or not successful. And so starting to rephrase and share that self-talk is the next step. So every single time you see yourself negatively,

become aware of it. disrupt it and then replace it. And then the third thing is emotionalizing it. If I say, for example, oh, I'm okay with myself, my brain will not actually believe that. My brain will just

be like, oh, you're just saying that and like almost disregard that. So emotionalizing it, it's almost similar to the idea of fake it till you make it, where you actually put yourself in a state of saying I'm okay with myself, I'm okay with myself, I'm okay with myself. or I love myself, I love myself, I love myself. And you engage in that in a way that really engages your emotions.

This is something that a lot of speakers and a lot of successful people do before they go on stage. They will engage in self-talk, I got this, this is going to be great, people are going to love me, this is going to be amazing. And they do this for two to five minutes so that when they go on stage, their mindset is energized to the replacement self-talk and to the replacement self-talk. emotions that they want to actually be engaging. So the emotionalization of the replace of the replaced self-talk is very important. So again, examples could say, I got this. It could be I'm enough. It could be unlawable. It will also be I'm learning to be okay with myself. I'm learning

to be okay with myself. But you repeat it and you emotionalize it so that your body can actually start developing those new connections. Yeah. And so so I've been in terms of like I have no connection with my inner self, there are the resources that also help with that. Some of them, I don't have it, but I do have other people that do some like different works to be able to help people connect with them themselves. So do reach out if this is something that you want to work on. And so when we talk about self-talk and when we talk about the subsequent strategies that are going to be talking about, realize that the way we think right now, the way we feel has been developed in terms of our mind with different real connections.

And so if we want to change how we feel, if we want to change how we think, the goal of it is not to try to get rid of this emotional like these connections in the brain. The only way for us to do it is to replace them with brand new connections. And so when you start saying, for example, I like myself, if you have had 40 years of saying you don't like yourself, when you say you like yourself, it's going to be. to feel very awkward. It's going to feel like you're lying. It's going to feel like, okay, this doesn't quite feel right. And the reason why it doesn't feel right is because your brain is not used to it. And so if let's say, for example, if you're able to do so and you're not driving,

I want all of you to cross your arms. Just cross your arms right now. Now, if you notice, some of you have got your left hand over your right, some of you have got your right hand over your left. Now I want you to change the direction of your arms crossed. Does it feel awkward or I try to figure out, okay, I don't know how to cross my arms the other direction? It feels hard, right? It feels different, absolutely. And so something is simple of crossing your arms,

you've got a habitual way of doing it. You change it a little bit. For most people, it's okay, it feels hard. It feels different. And so when we are talking about changing the way you talk to yourself, It's going to feel a little bit odd. It's going to feel a little bit different. But it's one of those things that is important in terms of repeating it enough times

so that it becomes something that feels natural and feels normal. Remember, when you first rode a bike with no training wheels, it felt odd. When you first drove a car and you didn't know how to, it felt odd. But through repetition and practice, it then became a habit. It then became natural. And this is the same thing when it comes to changing. our mindset that we wanted to become natural. I'm going to play this video of a neuron, which is a cell in your brain,

what happens to it when it learns something new? So all of you here, this is actually what's happening in your brain on a grand scale, because when your brain learn something new, you literally are changing the physiology and the biology of your brain. So I'll play this and then it will continue. So you see like the cell literally actually actually, reaching out to the other cell to create that connection. And that new synaptic connection is a memory.

I'll page it one more time. So every single time you learn something new, every single time you repeat a phrase, every single time you provide your brain in something new, this is what's happening in your brain. But it has to be something that you've not been habitually doing. Because if you keep doing what you've been doing, if you keep thinking the way you've been thinking,

then your brain is not going to change. So for those of you that I hear that I think will actually be able to change how I see myself? Absolutely. Absolutely able to change. And you've already talked about the first tool to be able to do that. And so as we talk about some of the tools,

realize that it is a process. Self-acceptance, self-locked confidence is not a diploma that you get. It's not a degree that you get that you're like, oh, once I got it, then I don't have to do anything. It is the process of what you're going to be doing every single day. If you engage in the specific behaviors and tools and strategies that we're going to be talking about, such as engaging in your self-talk, disrupting yourself talk, then you're going to have more self-lap.

If you stop utilizing those tools, then you'll revert back to your old default way of thinking. Some of you asking, okay, how do we change? How do we disrupt this? Let's start talking about some of the tricks that your mind will do that prevent you from actually changing. And so when we look at disempowering beliefs, when you look at negative beliefs, one of the reasons why they feel so real, why they feel like they are so difficult to change, is because they are connected to your fight or flight system.

So if you've got social anxiety, you actually feel like if it's like severe that you're going to die if you go to that situation. Because they believe that she has about that situation feels so real. because it's connected to your fight-of-flight system. And if a person tells you, oh, it will be okay, you actually feel like you have no choice. And the way this thought pattern gets perpetuated in your mind is that sometimes you might rationalize the way you feel.

Oh, I'm not going to go there because there's too many people. It's going to be too loud. I don't like crowds anyways. So rationalizing allows that belief, that negative, disempowering belief to be self-peratured. sometimes you might justify. So if you stay at home and you didn't end up going, like you started to stay at home and relax.

So we justify that disempowering belief on an ongoing basis so that we end up not changing. The third trait is that you might reject new ideas. So if someone comes and says, hey, you are so lovable, you might be like, oh, no, you're just saying that because, what do you want from me? No, you're just saying that because you are my friend or because you are my parent.

So we reject anything that is not in line with our original belief. I even come and say, you're worthy of love. But if you don't feel like you're worthy of love, they're going to reject that idea. We might project our ideas, which is whatever paradigm we are holding, projecting it's onto the people around us. And a lot of us, our current belief systems have been projected from the caregivers that way in our lives, from the experiences that we've had in our lives. And we're just reliving, or we've just adopted, or we've just been conditioned by those mental models that we're projected

onto us when you're not aware of it. We might become paranoid. So if you end up going into that situation, if you end up asserting yourself, then you might actually be like, oh, the people don't hate me anymore, or I notice that person is looking at me from, I knew I should not have come, or that person's heart is broken because I stood up for myself. So you might actually end up becoming paranoid when you actually start asserting himself. And the final trick that it uses is that it can actually use rewards to maintain that disempowering belief.

And a reward might be you want to speak up in a meeting or you want to speak up in a relationship and you don't do it. And then maybe the person changes the next week. And then you realize, oh, so good thing that I didn't talk. I knew that if I gave them enough time, they will have actually changed. And so it's using these six tools to keep perpetuating itself.

And the reason why I'm sharing this with you is when it comes to changing yourself love, you have to be a way if you are using any of these tools to perpetuate your, I'm not good enough, to perpetuate maybe your level of self-criticism, to perpetuate the level of I'm not smart enough, I don't like myself. And so when you look at these,

have any of you used some of the, or are these all like absolutely new? And so what is the tool to start shifting some of this? The structure of positive beliefs is at the heart of every single empowering belief is the realization that you have a choice. If you are going to go into a situation where I run to go into this situation because people will think this way about me, you can choose to perceive that situation in that way.

Or you can be like, okay, how else do I want to perceive this situation? And so an example of this could be a lot of athletes, when they're about to go into a big game, feel a lot of anxiety prior to the big game. But what they do is that they'll reframe that anxiety into excitement. And so people would be like, oh, are you scared? Oh, I'm excited. And the change, the choice that they realize that they can choose how they are going to perceive that situation actually changes not only their physiology, but their performance. in that activity. And so if, for example, you're like, okay, I'm not good enough because this happened to me,

that's only one perspective. What is another perspective that you can take? Maybe it might be, I'm good enough because I've been able to accomplish A, B, C, and D. I'm good enough because I've been able to do this and this. It might not feel like it's legit. It might not feel like it's right, but when you're not. start realizing that you always have that choice, they are actually starting to retrain your mind to think differently. And the more you do it like any habit, it will feel awkward at first,

but eventually it will become second nature. And so at the heart of any belief, especially positive ones, is the realization that you have a choice. And how you choose to perceive that situation is going to have a greater impact on how you feel about yourself and about that situation than anything else. Keep this in mind as you move forward that again, a tool is I'm perceiving the situation this way. How else can I see it? I don't have enough time to talk about this right now, but one of the things that I did, especially when I would pitch my company to different investors and I was trying to get businesses, a lot of people that were immigrants would be like, oh, hey, they don't like me because I'm a minority, they don't like me because I'm a

woman, I don't like me because of this. I'm like, I'm going to choose to perceive this differently. I stand out. I'm memorable. How many people have got an accent similar to mine? So I actually started calling myself the spicy CEO when I would go and pitch. And that flip in realizing that I might be the only black person there, but I'm the spicy CEO because I'm unique, I'm different, changed how I was interpreting that situation, which ultimately changed how I was conveying myself. That's also another example of choice. Yes, I would. perceive it that people will not take me because of this attribute, or I can use and repersive that attribute in a more positive light. And so a question is, when we talk about self-love and

self-acceptance, how does your love look? Or when you think of someone or like a pet or something that you love, how does your version of love look like? Yeah, so, for example, for me, like the people that I, like I let up close to me, whenever I like Thanksgiving, I enjoy cooking. So I ended up cooking for them. I'm pretty like into health. So when I buy groceries for my parents as an example, it might be just all organic foods as an example because I want them to eat health. And so for some people, it might be like, let's say they've got a pet. I know my cousin has got a pet, ensuring that the dog has got enough walks and he's eating healthy

and all these things are up to date in terms of the dogs that are injections and everything. So that's their version of love, but mine is a lot of doing like with acts of service. So when you want to express love, how do you express it? That might be another way of, thank you for sharing that, Joe's like unconditional love, which can lead to problematic in my past. Yeah, and so in terms of when we are thinking about love as well, the reason why I was asking, how does your love look? Because our definitions of love could be very different.

What I might think is love and what you might consider love is different. So they've all heard the term tough love, where people might really love like someone, but because they love them, they're much tougher on them. And to another person, though, that is not love at all. If I love someone, I'll never put them in a situation where they have to struggle. And so the reason for this thought experiment in a manner of speaking is to consider what your definition of love is. And if I can now use you, Jules, your comment is an example, when we think about, okay, unconditional love, this is the results that I got. The question is your kind of definition of love reflective of the outcome that you want?

And is it reflective of who you want to be as a person? And it's not been impacted by maybe your past experiences. Because unconditional love not only goes for the person, but it's also unconditional love in terms of yourself as well. And so there's also, again, the reason why I love about that assertive communication lesson we had two weeks ago is that there is a way to be like, oh, I love you, but this is not okay.

I love you, but you have crossed the line. I'm not okay with this. And being able to have the skills to still assert your values and assert your authenticity even though you love that person unconditionally. And so when we think about this, the other question to just follow up is,

do you show yourself that kind of love if, let's say, you are a gift giver? Do you also give gifts to yourself? If your version of love is words of affirmation as an example. Do you also engage in words of affirmation, aka self-talk, when you're engaging with yourself, to show yourself that love? Do you do the things that you want someone you love to be engaging in? Because, for example, most of us, when we love someone, we want them to be healthy.

So do we also engage in those behaviors that will be consistent with how we want that other person to be? One of the big components of self-love and self-acceptance, self-disciplines goes to self-love. So keep this in mind that again, when we also want to convey that we love ourselves and self-discipline is just whenever we say we're going to do something, then we end up doing it. And I talk about this in the speak with confidence lesson where I say that one of the biggest components to being confident and actually speaking with confidence is ensuring that your words have got power by, If you say I'm going to do something for yourself, having the habit of consistently doing it. Because if, let's say I'm going to go to the gym where I say I'm going to make the phone call and I don't do it, then that's also going to teach on a subconscious level my brain that my words don't even have the power to control my own behavior. So why would they change or influence someone else's behavior?

So self-discipline is a big component of self-love. But again, it's not just, again, this is just an example, but what? self-disciplines means to you, you'll have to define that for yourself. And basically, this thought experiment, treat yourself like the person you love. That's what it comes down to. Treat yourself like the person you love. And so whatever definition you have of love, whatever acts you'll be engaging, whatever words you'll be using with the people or the pace that you love, use them on yourself. Learn to use it on a consistent level on yourself. And so when we talk about changing how we feel about ourselves,

self-talk is one of the tools. Phase material making is one of the tools, but we might need multiple tools for us to actually accelerate that process. It is very difficult to make changes in our life when we feel like crap. And part of how we feel is based on the different emotions and chemicals that are within our brain. And so when we look at the. these four major chemicals, if we engage in habits that allow us to, in a matter of speaking,

naturally hijack them, then we're naturally going to feel good on a day-to-day basis, which is going to make it easier for us to feel good about ourselves. It's going to make it easier for us to be in a positive state. And so, docomine, which is a feel-good reward hormone, right? This is the hormone that is activated again when we get that to that tweet or that, or eat that piece of cake or we go out parting. But how do we naturally engage in activities that increase our dopamine levels

without ending up like burning out our neurons? Number one, reducing junk food, getting enough sleep, meditating, physical exercise, decreasing social media use and doing what you love. Serotonin is a mood stabilizer. So sometimes when people feel depressed, what's going on is that

they've got to reduce serotonin levels. The first thing is you need to be eating specific foods. I'm not a dietitian or nutritionist. However, I do know that the precursor or the ingredients to make serotonin in your brain come from your stomach. So if you're not eating the right foods for serotonin, your brain is not going to make enough of it and you'll just feel like crabbed all the time.

So eating specific foods, you can Google what those foods are, getting some sunlight, going for a massage, if you're okay with physical touch, physical exercise, listening to music, practicing gratitude. Those activities, if you do them on a consistent basis, boost your mood by boosting your serotonin levels. Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, the one that makes us feel connected to people.

How do we boost that? Spending time with friends. Telling someone that you care. A hug or a cuddle to a person you love or even to an animal. A pet that you might have. doing something nice for someone. One of the activities that we did to boost oxytocin levels is that you can literally buy like a $5 to a $10 gift card

and then you can give it out to people just to make their date. That single activity can actually boost your oxytocin levels and make you feel good about yourselves. And then making something for someone. I talked earlier about loving to cook. Again, when you cook for someone, for me anyways because I enjoy it, then that will boost my selotonin levels. but if I're into arts, if you're into different activities,

doing all those can also boost your own serotonin levels. Finally, endorphins. These are like bodies in natural pain killers. Physical exercise. We've all heard of runners' eye. The reason why they call it runners' eyes because it's endorphins. Acupuncture if you're okay with needles. Having sex, if you've got a partner.

Laughing with friends. Acts of kindness and enjoying massage. The reason why I'm sharing this is, You can look at this and you can pick even one from each one and you can start changing and boosting your emotions in a way that will make you just feel good about yourself. You layer that with managing yourself talk and disrupting your thinking negatively. That becomes more effective. Yes, doing things for someone for no reason ultimately leads to being taken advantage of.

It is a confusing balance. Absolutely. So you have to be aware again of what your values are, who the person is, the person is, context of it, right, because it could also be someone that you don't know. So for some people, it might be they volunteer for people. So in that context, you actually have the context that you can do someone for something positive for someone without being taken advantage of. So it does depend on the context for sure. And so as you engage in these activities and I share resources after I think after this slide, we have to realize that when we are moving to self-acceptance, when we are moving to

self-love, when you're moving to confidence or courage, depending with where you are on the scale, and this is a map of consciousness scale by Dr. David Hawkins, you might experience other emotions as you move forward. And so an example is, let's say if a person is in shame, right, maybe they've done things in the past they're not happy with, they're not happy with where they are in their life, but then they decide that they want to make a change in their life for whatever reason, right? They're like, okay, I'm going to make a change in my life and I'm going to start now. So maybe when they move up from shame, they might feel guilty. Because now they're the list of things that they want to do, but they're not doing it.

But if they start doing those things, maybe some of those things make them feel uncomfortable. They're outside their comfort zone. So maybe they're going to that social situation. Maybe they're asserting themselves in terms of how they communicate. Maybe they are learning to just do things that make them happy, even though the people around them might not be okay with it. And so when they engage in those behaviors, they might actually experience fear on a more consistent basis.

And so the fear isn't to say that they're not making progress. If they were in shame and guilty for, they are actually making progress. And the fear is a different level emotion to the other emotions. If they keep engaging in these activities consistently, they might start seeing some success. And sometimes what happens is once you become more proficient at a skill, you might end up actually having anger because you might be like,

dude, I'm working so hard for this, I've been successful, but you still don't accept it. Or you might be angry at yourself. I should know how to do this better. And so now, again, you're more from fear to anger. But the more consistently you're engaging that activity while learning from it, then you'll end up moving to pride and then courage. And then you keep engaging those activities until you move to the higher level. levels of consciousness. So there might be other emotions that you might feel, sometimes you might be up,

sometimes you might be down, but the idea is to realize that, again, there is this scale of consciousness that is out there, the book is there if you want to buy it, and you might end up experiencing some of those middle emotions as you make your journey to that confidence, acceptance, or level of self-love. And when we talk about, okay, what should you be doing? Number one, do one thing every day that is consistent with self-love in terms of your version of self-love. I asked you earlier, what does love mean to you? Or what does love look like for you? If it looks like, again, maybe if it's gifts, buying yourself a gift might be difficult to do every day.

But it might literally just be like, I enjoy going for a walk or walking my dog or grabbing coffee with a friend. Or having maybe movie nights. whatever that thing is, trying to do it as consistently as possible. It might not be every day, but if you maybe have it multiple times a week, that will make it better. The second thing is listening to empowering information on a daily basis. Today we are inundated with information that is disempowering. And if we're not going to listen to that information, our mind is playing a mental model that has been going on for, depending how long, how old,

you are 20, 30, 40, 50 years. And so we actually want to replace that mental model by feeding our brain with different information. And the only way to do that is that you can actually inundate your mind with positive information. This is one of the hallmarks of success in Napoleon Hill's book, where he talks about one of the things that people that do a success to when you study them was that they're always listening to new information.

So the best time for you to listen to information where your brain is mostly suggestible is first thing when you wake up in the morning and right before you go to bed. And part of the reason is that your brain is an alpha state, which is a highly suggestible state of brain patterning. For me, my alarm club is an episode from the resilient mind. And there are a lot of other episodes that you can listen to. But the first thing that I'm hearing is like an alarm blurring is someone talking about the power of the mind and how to change your thoughts.

And then throughout the day, if you are driving, if you are using the bathroom, listening to that information again and again and again. So you can actually feed your mind a different program that is empowering. That change is how you see yourself. The third thing is writing in the Resilient Mind Journal. I created this journal and it's available for free in terms of the digital copy of the journal. So you can literally put in your email address, have the digital version, and then you can print out the papers at no cost.

Doing this again is part of that repetition, it's part of that practice, where you're now engaging in conscious control or conscious management of the thoughts that you're having. You are not unconscious. You're not sleeping through life having that same model going on in your head. You're like, okay, no, these are my intentions,

this is my self-talk, this is what I'm going to engage in on a consistent level today so that I can keep moving my brain forward. And like the video we saw those neurons that we're starting to build new connections, then you can actually start strengthening those through that repetition of that practice. Thank you for tuning in. Continue strengthening your mind by listening to our other episodes.