The Resilient Mind - Why the Law of Attraction Isn’t Working for You — And How to Actually Attract Real Love - Dr. Tara Swart

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

Dr Tara Swart is a neuroscientist, medical doctor, executive advisor, Senior Lecturer at MIT Sloan, podcaster and author of best-seller ‘The Source’ which has translations in 38 global territories. Her new book ‘The Signs’ will be published on the 16th September 2025, which explores the lost art of listening to your intuition.Take action and strengthen your mind with The Resilient Mind Journal. Get your free digital copy today: ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download Now⁠⁠🌍 The Resilient Mind Podcast is a proud member of 1% for the Planet — building resilient minds and a resilient planet. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Resilient Mind podcast. In this episode, you will be listening to why the Law of Attraction isn't working for you with Dr. Tara Swart. Get access to the Resilient Mind Journal by clicking the link in the show notes. Enjoy. What does neuroscience tell us about signs, signals, and synchronicities? Are they, you know, something we should be paying attention to based on neuroscience and brain chemistry, or is it more spiritual woo-woo? Well, neuroscience doesn't tell us anything about that or much, let's say, about that at the moment, but that's why I'm probably going to write another book, which I said I would never do.

But I'm just so fascinated by this. So when I get back to London, I'm going to start, like, properly doing the research on this. So far, it's being kind of something I'm interested in. and I have to say I wasn't sure if my book publisher would be okay with it. About these things, science signals, synonycities? Yeah. Well, that's fascinating. I love that stuff.

And I think that it coming from a neuroscientist is a new angle. It's not that there aren't books out there on this kind of thing. But I really want to open up that conversation as well because there's a lot of people suffering. And like I said, you can sound like you're crazy if you start talking about stuff like this. So I want to open up the conversation, being open but trying to keep it as rigorous as possible, to give people permission to come forward and share these stories. Because I think that's only going to be good for everyone.

Wow. That's cool. So when someone sees the sign signals and synchronicity is happening in their life, what do you think that's telling them that they're on the right path? that they should be paying attention more, that they should be trusting their intuition more when they're seeing these three things? So I feel like what it says. And somebody said this to me, actually,

the last time I was in L.A., but it had to land really emotionally for me to believe it. And that's what I want for everyone, is it tells you that you are being guided and it tells you that you're safe and protected. And one of the things I picked up from you a couple of years ago was that you said sometimes if I'm feeling

like in an emotional crisis I just say to myself I'm safe I'm safe I'm safe and I can't tell you how many times I've used that in the last two years Wow that's beautiful but that's kind of like

self-soothing the inner child right? Yes yes with this kind of interest and more esoteric things that I've had like since I met you that time I'd like to think that it's not

I'm not just safe because I tell myself I'm safe but I'm safe because I believe in something greater. Yes. And I'm tapping into it and I'm allowing it to make me feel safe. Um, because however good you become psychologically at soothing yourself, it, you can still feel very alone. Um, so feeling like, unless you have a deeper spiritual connection to something. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's what I meant to say. Wow. That's fascinating. Do you believe that we can be in,

beautiful, healthy, loving relationships. And we can manifest everything we have on our vision or action boards if we have yet to heal the wounds of our childhood as a neuroscientist. No. Really? Wow. So if we have these visions and dreams and goals that we want to go after, if we want to have a beautiful relationship, but we are wounded still, the inner child is wounded inside of us as

adults, what will happen to us? So this is really about inner child and shadow, right? So I think people understand that you've got an inner child that maybe didn't get over things that you experienced in your childhood. Shadow is about the parts of yourself that you've rejected because as a young child, you rely on your primary caregivers for survival. Yes. And if there is something that they don't love about you, you want to hide that for all the world so that they will still love you and like not let you die. You don't want anyone to notice about you. No.

That's shame. So you hide it away in childhood and often find yourself in adulthood no longer even aware of what those things are because you've rejected them so deeply. Wow. Yeah. But that's driving a lot of your unconscious behavior. Right. So if you put together the inner child in the shadow, then what happens is you meet people

on the same level of psychological wound as you. Oh, man. You also leave people where if you evolve out of that and they haven't been able to. Wow. Which I think goes back to one of the things,

one of the pieces of content I heard you talk about, which is like the sense of smell connecting to someone's stress levels or anxiety levels. Like you'll kind of attract a similar nervous system or I guess a certain similar like, I don't know, stress level? Yeah.

Is it right? It's not. It's not. It's not smell. It's sensing, sensing, not through smell, the level of the stress hormone, yeah. Interesting. But that's short term, right? But the inner chard and shadow stuff is longer term.

Gosh, that's fascinating. Yeah. So you think we attract people based on our psychological wounds? 100%. Wow. And as we start to heal and grow, if the other person's not healing and growing, we kind of pull away. Wow. That's interesting.

Speaking, I guess, about relationships and men and women with all of your expertise on the brain is the process of manifesting love and falling in love different from men versus women? I think if it's love you're really looking for, then it's not different. Not lust. Yeah, the issue is what you're actually looking for.

So you think men and women manifest love the same way, similar ways? Yeah, I think if, you know, if you want that sense of partnership and friendship and intimacy and you want to be loyal and you want it to be for the long term then it doesn't matter what gender you are. But if the disconnect is often, and you know, this is a bit of a stereotype

but usually it's more that men are sorry that women want a loving, stable relationship and men perhaps, you know, don't want that as much. Yeah. Or don't, you know, just don't want it right now. Uh-huh. Go through periods where that's what they want and go through periods where that's not what they want,

which I guess could be. of any gender as well, but overall, more likely women will want to, like, be in a monogamous relationship. Why is that based on kind of the brain size? So it comes from evolution. So when we lived in the cave, women did need men to protect them from predators and to hunt for food. So women...

Especially if they're pregnant too and they weren't able to go out and hunt or gather or whatever might be. I mean, they generally didn't hunt as much, so they gathered more. but then it's hard to get protein from what you gather rather than what you hunt. So for survival, and you know, they use the fat and the skins and everything. So it wasn't just food, it was shelter and fire and, you know, all of that kind of stuff. So although we don't necessarily need a man for those physical things now, it's a very strong survival wiring in the brain.

And so what we have, you know, in the cave, we lived nomadically. So often the men would go and hunt and be away for a very long time. Or if they went far enough and they found a cave of the same tribe, they would just stay there and not go back. Why risk your life to travel back for, you know, six weeks? Right. But over time, a lot of societies in the modern world have asked people to live in unit families. And so we have seen men's brains be reoccurts.

wired. Really? Yeah. So quite relatively recently, like maybe in the last 10 years, research has showed that when you become a dad for the first time, oxytocin rewires your brain so that you're more into bonding and less into the testosterone competitive stuff. Because if you think about it, lions and tigers, they'll eat their own children. You have to tame that in some ways, right?

Yeah. But how do you tame it, but also harness it in other ways? You know what I mean? It's like a dance of like having drive and testosterone. Yeah. Like, I never want to lose that drive, right? I get this question all the time. But I also want to be like a great loving parent and partner and all these things.

Yeah. And now let testosterone drive me in doing damaging things, you know, so. Well, so from about the age of 35, your testosterone will have started dropping significantly already. When you do become a dad. It drops after you become a dad. For the first time, oxytocin goes up. testosterone drops, you become much more about like cuddling and bonding and wanting to stay in the home and look after the mom and the baby.

Less about like lifting and like hunting, right? Yeah. Interesting. If you keep lifting, then you would actually like keep your testosterone levels higher. Also, if the baby sleeps in the same room as you, then your testosterone levels drop even more. Come on. So you might want to move out for three months to a different bedroom. Yeah. I've already told her, I'm getting my sleep, you know, the first few months. So your testosterone drops? If you sleep in the same room as the baby. Why is that? Because the oxytocin's becoming like, you know, higher and higher because you've got this cute little warm thing that smells so nice and it's so like vulnerable and dependent on you. And it's like in the room with you, the whole eight hours, you know, just oxytocin boost.

But are women attracted to men with less testosterone? They are when they're not fertile, but they are not when they are at peak fertility. Really? So mid-cycle, when you're ovulating, you're going to want a bad boy. And the rest of the time, you're going to want a nice man that will stay at home and help you look after the baby. When a woman is at peak fertility, and the man just wants to cuddle and chill and not be driven by testosterone and give the woman that testosterone feel. Yeah. Well, that ultimately hurt the relationship long term if the woman doesn't get what she wants sexually.

I mean, I think if she's chosen him by then. So this is more about when you're like in the choosing phase. Once you settle down with someone, then you have like a logical conversation about are we trying for a baby or not, right? But logic and emotion are two different things. No, I mean, relationships, you know? You might logically say, okay, I'm safe, but emotionally you want something else. This is a reason that people cheat. Right.

Right, because they're not getting what they want sexually. Yeah. And so it's like, how do you suppress the thing you want sexually to be like, oh, but he's such a good guy or he's this? but if he's not giving me what I want, then I'm going to go find it from this other younger testosterone and a German man, right? You're getting really jealous here. I'm not getting jealous.

This fantasy younger high testosterone man. I'm just thinking, is this what women deal with? I know. Is this what women deal with? Yeah, to some, you know, more consciously or less consciously, depending on the woman. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting, right?

So let me kind of explain the physiology behind it from the research that we know the best, which is in prairie voles. So there are two types of voles in America. Marsh or mountain voles. Bowls? What's a bowl? Vol. It's a little rat-like creature. Prairie dogs?

No. Not prairie dogs. It's a vol. It's more like a mouse or a rat. Okay, cool. The ones that live in the marsh or the mountain, they have plenty of food and plenty of shelter, and they're super frimiscuous. The ones that moved to the prairie where there's like scarce food and shelter,

they snuggle in and settle down and become monogamous for life. The same rat, the same mouse, but just living in different areas. Come on. So wait, you tell me rats are monogamous? These voles. These voles. The voles are monogamous. If they live in the prairie.

If they live in the prairie, but not if they live in the marsh. But if they have a... But if they have all the food and abundance, they're just... And lots of female voles that they can go and visit. They're just little polyamorous voles. Yeah. Because they know that if they get, you know, one vol pregnant and she's left on her own to look after her young, they're going to survive because they're well sheltered.

There's plenty of food for her to nip out and bring it back to the babies. Yeah. But in the prairie, if he was promiscuous, then the chances of his offspring dying, are quite high because she can't defend the nest herself. She can't find enough food for herself and then without help. And so let's extrapolate this. How does this help humans, right? Well, first off, which mice are happier?

The ones that are more promiscuous or the ones that are coupled? I think it depends on the vol. So you think the female mice are happy if they just, you know, are pregnant, but then their partner just leaves? They're not happy. No. How do we know? Can we test that?

Okay. So how do we apply this to our lives? Hang on, there is an answer to that. Okay. We test it through levels of oxytocin and vasopressin. Come on. Have we done this? Have people done this?

Yes. No way. These mice? Yeah. Wow, that's crazy. And actually, just to be serious, the research has done more to help with loneliness, grief and heartbreak, but obviously it's got implications for dating. Wow.

So because one of the things that we saw with the receptors in the brain is that if you're in love with me, you've got more vasopressin receptors in your nucleus accumbens which is on the reward circuitry. And then every time you see me, you get a reward. And the longer that we've been dating and stay together and become closer, that reward becomes more intense every time you see me. however if we then had a prolonged separation time can downregulate the effect of those receptors so obviously there are implications for that in a breakup or grief right right um and but one of the things i think is like so so important for dating is that if a woman if a couple are getting to know each other and this is all on like heterosexual couples and research then as a woman is sexually interested and liking the guy and enjoying the dating, her oxytocin levels

is like slowly, slowly starting to go up. When they start actually having sex, she's going to be releasing higher levels of oxytocin every time she orgasms, and that's going to make her bond to the guy much more. If you have sex on the first date, the guy's vasopressin levels will plummet straight away and all he'll be interested in his testosterone. If you make him weight, his vasopressin and oxytocin levels go up and then when you do actually have sex, he's already bonded, so it's more likely to become part of a loving relationship. Wow. So if a woman sleeps with a man on the first date or two, is a man driven to want to bond long term with that person? No. Why not?

Because the vasopressin levels drop as soon as he has sex. What does that mean? So vasopressin is the one that makes the prairie voles monogamous. The higher the levels of that and that the receptors appear in the reward circuitry of your brain. And so basically if you see your partner in distress, it affects your brain those neurons and you want to comfort her through physical touch. So that's oxytocin. but if you haven't had time for those receptors to appear in the correct place to make you bond, then it's just, you know, it goes back to lust.

So what I say about love and relationships is that the genetics and the receptors will load the gun, but sexual activity will pull the trigger. So based on neuroscience, if you sleep with someone, one quickly, you're less likely to bond long term together. They're more likely to be promiscuous or just not be as interested in that person long term. Is that right? That's fascinating. I know.

But you hear a lot of people, but just be like, you know, just sleep with them on the first day. It's fun. Just have fun. You know, it's all good. But I just feel like you're setting yourself up for let down. But if that's what you want, that's fine. But I think... Don't expect the guy to keep liking you after that.

No. And don't say it's fine and it's fun if you actually want a long-term relationship and then be disappointed that they didn't want that too. Yeah. So the brain chemistry within a man changes if they have sex earlier with a woman. And it changes in a different way if they wait and they actually like create a bond and then... First and then have sex. Yeah. What changes within a woman when they have sex with a man? Do they become more bonded to the person?

Yeah, so for the woman, it's not so much to do with whether they are already in love with the person or not. If they're having sex and they're releasing oxytocin, because we don't have as much testosterone as you. You've got at least seven to eight times as much testosterone as me. And that buffers the effect of oxytocin, whereas I would get the full effect of oxytocin. That's fascinating. So a woman, when they have sex with a man, they're bonding quicker. Yeah. When a man has sex with a woman, he's not necessarily bonding right away.

He has to have more time connecting with her until he bonds. Yeah. That is interesting. And then sex will, then the oxytocin isn't as buffered by the testosterone. So when you've got the vasopressin and the oxytocin high, then the testosterone has less negating effect on it. This is fascinating. Okay. What else about neuroscience and relationships should we address since we're on this topic?

that you think is really interesting. So I think, you know, the whole like visual and smell thing at start is quite interesting. And then the receptors and hormones to do with bonding and sex is really interesting. I would say that because we live so much longer now, you know, we're using these cave analogies. But to be honest, in cave times, you and I would both be dead. Died 30, yeah. So relationships potentially have to last for longer. And I think there's two things to say here.

one is that you can use neuroplasticity to keep growing and changing in a way that keeps a relationship fresh if you are holding on to this fantasy that a relationship has to last forever even if we're now living till we're 100 right so I think another way to look at it is about being in the present not necessarily putting this intense pressure on yourself of your partner in the relationship that it has to last forever yeah um understand that even if a relationship breaks down and that's obviously difficult to handle at the time, that there are potential possibilities for something that's more right for you at a different age than maybe a choice you made in your 20s. So, you know, nothing, you don't have to be a neuroscientist to say those two things.

It's kind of like just using your brain to understand that there's a certain amount of time. there are, you know, benefits to being in long-lasting relationships, but there are possible alternatives as well. Yeah, that's interesting. Thank you for listening. Continue strengthening your mind by subscribing and listening to our other episodes.