The Resilient Mind - Your Purpose Was Set Before You Turned 18 - Simon Sinek

Episode Date: June 11, 2026

Simon Sinek is a British-American author, speaker, and thought leader best known for his groundbreaking concept of the “Why” — the idea that people and organizations thrive when they understand the deeper purpose behind what they do. He rose to prominence with his TED Talk “How Great Leaders Inspire Action,” one of the most viewed of all time. Through his bestselling books like Start With Why, Leaders Eat Last, and The Infinite Game, Sinek explores leadership, trust, and human connection in business and life. His work inspires individuals and companies worldwide to lead with empathy, purpose, and long-term vision.This episode is brought to you in partnership with Steven Bartlett for more inspiring videos: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheDiaryOfACEOTake action and strengthen your mind with The Resilient Mind Journal. Get your free digital copy today: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/Download_JournalExplore tools from past guests of the podcast. Some links below are affiliate links, meaning we may earn a commission at no extra cost to you:💓 HeartMath: https://www.heartmath.com/resilient🧠 Muse: https://choosemuse.com/resilientmind🌿 Brain Ritual: https://www.brainritual.com/THERESILIENTMIND🌍 The Resilient Mind Podcast is a proud member of 1% for the Planet — building resilient minds and a resilient planet. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There's so many things I want to talk to you about, but one of the things that I was curious about, because I've been thinking a lot about this in my life, is this idea of our why is evolving. What is your why, and has it evolved over the last decade at all? So my why is to inspire people to do the things that inspire them, so together each of us can change our world for the better. And it's why I wake up every morning, every day.

it is the greatest compliment someone can pay me when they say to me that was inspiring or you were inspiring like that feeds me you know and the interesting thing about a why is because it is not it is objective a why is the sum total of how we were raised

it's born out of the patterns and the lessons we learn from our parents from our teachers when we're young and our why is fully formed by the time we're in our mid to late teens and you only have one why for the rest of your life it doesn't change you are who you are based on how you were raised.

Now, you may not be acting as your true self. You know, people say that to us all the time, you know. It's like, I don't know who you are anymore, you know. But when you are at your natural best, your wise front and center, but we're not always acting at our natural best. And sometimes we make decisions out of selfishness. We take the job that pays us, that offers us the most money and turn down the one to work for somebody who would probably be a better mentor.

You know, we do these things all the time. And so, you know, can you tweak the word? words of your why, of course, you know, but that's semantics. Can we find better ways to bring a Y to life? Yes, that's the evolution. But the Y itself is fixed. When you talk about the why being influenced by the things that happened in our life, our experiences are upbringing, does that mean that our trauma can influence our Y for better or for worse? Always for better. Always for better. Yeah, a Y is always positive. And I'll give you a real life example of somebody's wide discovery that I did. And, you know, one of the things I do when I do somebody's wide discovery,

I ask them about, you know, happy experiences when they were kids. And this person said, I didn't have a very happy childhood. I had a really bad childhood. And I said, okay, so tell me a bad memory then, you know? And she talked about a lot of abuse in the household and a very abusive alcoholic father who would beat her mother and the kids. And she told a story of, a repeated pattern of when the father would be drunk and come looking for the kids, that she'd be hiding in the cupboard protecting her brother with her arms wrapped around him to shield her brother. And she goes through this whole story and at the end I pointed out to her that she's a protector,

that in these traumatic experiences it was her instinct to protect her baby brother and she's lived her life. If you look at all of the times that she's really thrived and where she's her, her, her best self, she's usually in a position of protection of other people. And that's where she finds joy in taking care of other people. And so the experiences mold us into who we are. And the effects, you know, the impact will be positive regardless of where it comes from. So yeah, I mean, a horrible childhood that made her a wonderful human being. I was going to use me as an example there to try and rebuttal that somewhat. But I remember having a very similar conversation with

a very good friend of mine a week ago upstairs who talked to me about their childhood. They've talked about this publicly as well, so I'm not letting the cat out of the bag, but their father used to beat their mother up, really, really severely. And she was telling me literally just a few days ago upstairs that her memories of trying to hold onto her dad's arm

as it swung for her mother when she was five years old. And when you look at the pattern of what those early experiences have caused and a few other experiences, she's obsessed with with helping others and she's you know building these amazing businesses she's unbelievably successful it's like frighteningly successful at a very very young age however that force in her to help others has meant that she's compromised sometimes helping herself and of everyone i know in my life she is the most successful woman i know but she's also the woman that is most unsuccessful in all of the personal aspects, relationships, boyfriend, mental health, all of these things.

So when we say, you know, I understand the positive side of it, but the negative side of it seems to be of this unbelievable, I guess, why she's got seems to just honestly for me not be worth it. Because this is not someone that is, would say they're happy. This is someone that is in therapy and is every day in tears and upset while serving the world in an unbelievable way. So is that a positive? Is that a positive why? So the rub about the why. You know, a why is basically the thing we give to the world. It's the value we have in other people's lives.

Her friends would say of her that she is our protector. You know, that is the role we fill in their lives, which is why they love us because we're giving them our why. It is our value. The rub, the most difficult thing about the wide, understand is the thing that we give to the world is also the thing that we need the most. It's always balanced. And so I would argue that, you know, she, it's not that she's unable to take care of herself.

It's that she needs to find friends, colleagues, whatever it is, who are committed to taking care of her. And that's where the change happens. And, you know, we were talking about this, you know, before the show started. you know, there's an entire section of the bookshop called self-help and there's no section in the bookshop called Help Others. And I believe what we need is the help others industry. I'll tell you something that happened to me.

A friend of mine was going through a really rough patch in her life. Her marriage was struggling, her career was struggling. She was unhappy. Like just none of the boxes were getting checked, you know? And she knows what I do. I mean, we've been friends forever. And she asked a favor, can you help me? you know of course of course i said and every week we had a standing 90 minute meeting where we'd

she'd come over and she would tell me what's going on and i would give her some advice and i'd point out some patterns and she'd feel fantastic she would leave on a high and she'd feel amazing for like two days and then it'll go right back again and she'd come back the following week and this went on for months two days three days and then back down again right and then it occurred to me like i remember my own work. In Leaders Eat Last, I talk about Alcoholics Anonymous, where they have 12 steps to help an alcoholic beat this disease. And Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you master 11 of the 12 steps, you're going to probably slide back and succumb to the disease. But if you can master the 12th step as well, you will more likely beat the disease. The 12th step is to help another alcoholic.

It's service. And so I remembered my own work, and I decided to do a little, a decision. decided to change things up, right? And so I said to her, look, I love that you come and see me every week and I love helping you every week. But you know, I struggle with things too and I don't have anybody to talk to. Would you be willing to help me? Maybe we can split the time. And she said, of course, yes. And what started to happen is every week we got together and I would, and was genuine. I wasn't faking it. Like I would unload and tell her what I was going through and what I was struggling with. And it ended up that we wouldn't split the time. It ended up that she would spend 90 minutes talking about my stuff, right? And she was the advice giver.

and she was the one looking for the patterns, and she would leave on a high, and that high would stay until the following week. It was only when we reversed the scenario where that she had the opportunity to take care of someone she loved, that she was able to find the solutions to her own challenges. And I'm a great believer that we have to remember, we're social animals.

We need each other. And this is the great paradox of being human. At every moment of every day, we are both individuals and members of groups. You know, and there's a, there's a debate. Do you take care of yourself first or do you take care of others first? And there's a whole school of thoughts that says you have to take care of yourself first because if you're not healthy, you can't take care of others.

And there's a whole school of thought that says, no, you have to take care of others first so that when you're in need, they'll be there for you. And the answers you're both right and you're both wrong. It's a paradox. It's a struggle. And every day we're faced with sometimes big but often small choices. Do I prioritize myself at the sacrifice of the group or do I prioritize the group at the sacrifice of myself. And, you know, folks like Maslov, like Maslov's hierarchy of needs, Masloff made him a huge mistake in that hierarchy, which is his baseline, our basic need is food

and shelter, right? I've never heard of anyone dying by suicide because they were hungry. I've heard of people dying by suicide because they were lonely, right? And yet social relationships in Maslow's hierarchy is number three. But that kind of, that doesn't. That doesn't sound right. It seems like there's something more important to human beings than just food and shelter. And then the top of the peak is self-actualization, which sounds the most selfish thing in the world. Like, I am so self-actualized that I would literally sit on top of a pyramid and look down at all of you unactualized people, because that's my goal to be self-actualized. He's half right. The mistake that Maslov made, he's the only thought of us as individuals.

And as individuals, yes, I need food and shelter first. But as a member of a group, I need friends, and I need love. And self-actualization is not the thing I'm actually in pursuit of as a member of a group. It's shared actualization that I'm looking for. And unfortunately, for various reasons which we don't have to go down that rabbit hole, the past 30, 40 years, especially in the West,

we have doubled down on individualism. We have doubled down on my own career. We've doubled down at how do I find love? How do I find happiness? We've doubled down on selfishness. And it worked for a while. It worked when the economy was really good. Like in the 80s and 90s and 2000s, it's awesome.

Salishness was great because it worked. But now in a complicated, messy world where the economy isn't great and everything's not roses, all that self-interest is now not working, except we haven't been practicing and developing the skills of taking care of each other. And that's what we need now more than ever. And so I don't know your friend. And so I can't make any conclusions. But we are animals in balance, right?

And nature abhors a vacuum. And so whenever I hear about these things, my question is always about the balance. So, for example, every single good thing that happens in our lives, everything comes at a cost. There's nothing for free. Somebody with an incredible career has no relationship with their kids, right? Everything comes at a cost. But at the same time, everything we struggle with has opportunity and lesson that goes with it. It's always balanced.

right and so whenever anybody tells me this great thing I was like yeah but at what cost and was the cost worth it sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes the answer is no and when something horrible happens in someone's life or something goes sideways I always ask but what did you learn you know I mean my career and yours is the same you know the whole the golden circle and the concept of why came out of me losing my passion and hating work I went through depression I never want to go through that again but I'm really glad happened because it look at what it's it's given me an entirely new life view and I think of strengths and weaknesses the same way you know I think it's hilarious when people say what are your strengths and what are your weaknesses well it depends life is balanced and it's always contextual

and everything that we have that's a strength has liability attached and every weakness we have has strength that's attached I can imagine because of the books you've written and the you know the channels you have and the content you produce that a lot of people come to you on a personal level, friends, family to help solve some of the problems that they're having in their lives. I find myself in somewhat of a similar position. Maybe they're not coming to me.

Maybe I'm inserting myself into the problem to try and solve it because that's my nature. But do you ever give up on someone? Something I've thought about and I'm reflecting on my friend a little bit here and friends I've had from my childhood who I remember offering a guy. I was like, if you can just do one month

working in Subway where he was working, I'll pay for your rent so you can move out of that city and go get a job. He didn't do the one month in Subway. And at one point, there's part of me he's like, you know, everyone's solvable, the optimism, the optimistic in me. And the other part of me goes,

at some point you have to give up on people. So the single greatest lesson I ever learned in my career that profoundly changed the course of my life. And it comes right before the realization and the articulation of why. I learned how to ask for health and I learned how to accept it when I was offered. Okay?

And I think that it's not about giving up on someone. It's that it's a, that helping someone is a team sport. Success is a team sport. And if you find that you're the only player in their life when they should be the primary player, you can only do the assists. You'll never be the one making the baskets.

That's their job, right? but if they won't take the pass then at some point you stop throwing the ball and it's not about giving up on people it's it's about accountability to take responsibility for oneself and giving up on somebody is don't ever call me again you don't take my advice this is over right

that's giving up on someone for I think that the other way to do it is like listen I cannot help you if you You cannot be involved to help yourself. And I will want to sit down with them. And I will want to, I won't criticize and be like, you're not doing this. You have to follow my advice. You have to do this.

You got to go work at Subway for the week. Like that's not what I want to sit down and understand what the blockage is. There's something else. That's the blockage that I can get to, hopefully. But at the end of the day, I will say to them point blank, listen, if you're not going to be involved in this, then there's no point to me to be involved. You know, you have to, like, this is a team and I'm the only place. here. And so I will always be here. And when you are ready, maybe it's just bad timing.

I don't know what else is going on in your life and maybe this is not the right time or maybe I'm a bad fit. But when you are ready, I will still be here no matter what. But you have to call me. There's no more, there's no more me throwing you the ball. Like you're going to have to call me. And then they call you and then they say it's time. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. In my case, they call me. And then they say it's time. I'm willing to accept the help. and then the same cycle happens over and over again. And you go, you know, five years of them calling you. Then you, then, then it's, then they're lying.

But they don't think they're lying. They always think this time's going to be different. I'm going to do it on Monday. I mean, like I said, I want to know what else is the blockage. When there's that kind of repeated pattern, then there's something else. And I think, I think, you know, our mistake in those situations is repeating our pattern, which is, okay, I'm going to give you the same advice, I'm going to give the same thing.

you're going to do the same thing. I'm going to tell you the same thing. I'm going to give up on you. I'm going to go, like, we're actually repeating a pattern as well. And so, you know, we know this as entrepreneurs, which is you got to try something completely, completely different. And I think, you know, this goes back to what we were saying a moment ago, you know, which is we are not teaching the skills of how to help others. And part of one of the biggest skills of learning to help others is learning how to listen. And most of us are really crap at listening, right? We confuse listening with hearing the words that were spoken. You know, you're sitting watching TV and, you know, someone you love is trying to tell you something. And you're like, uh-huh, uh-huh, and you're still watching TV. And you're not even listening to me. And we turn around and repeat all the words back to them. That's not listening.

That's hearing the words that were spoken to you. You listening is when the other person feels heard, right? And where you are in pursuit of meaning, not the words spoken. You're not so literal, right? and I think in the cases of like your friend is to go from an advice giving mode and men suffer from this more than the movement which is our intention is to fix everything

right all we want to do is fix fix fix fix fix we see the problem here's the solution but sometimes that's not what people need people need to feel seen and heard and understood and maybe just maybe you're going too quickly to fix and he doesn't feel seen or heard or understood yet and in this particular situation

And again, I don't know the person, but I would go to an extreme listening. You know, give the kid the opportunity to empty his bucket. Like, and there's only three terms you're going to use in the conversation. Go on, tell me more, what else? Because it sounds like there's, whatever you think the thing is you're fixing, it's probably something entirely different. And until you can get to that, you're going to give up on somebody who maybe, it's just that we had the wrong strategy.

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