The Rewatchables - ‘Hard to Kill’ With Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt

Episode Date: June 16, 2022

The Ringer’s Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt are taking you to the bank … the blood bank! They collect their superior attitudes and superior minds to revisit 1990’s ‘Hard to Kill,’ starring Steven Seagal, Kelly LeBrock, and William Sadler. Producers: Craig Horlbeck and Jessie Lopez Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, it's Sean Fennessey. We've got something special cooking on the Prestige TV podcast. I'll be recapping one of my favorite shows, HBO's Barry, every Sunday night, with the writer-director-director star of the show, The Great Bill Hater. We'll talk about the show's wild twists and turns, its special brand of dark comedy, and how it all came together. So on Sunday nights, immediately after a new episode airs, you can hear Bill and I break it all down on the Prestige TV pod. Subscribe on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. This episode is brought to you by Adobe Firefly. The all-in-one creative studio with AI-powered image and video generation. Build for today's creative process,

Firefly helps you generate, edit, and experiment fast. Because the asks aren't getting smaller. And the timelines? Ooh, yeah, still tight. With all the best creative AI models in one place, Firefly brings your ideas to life. Learn more at adobe.com slash Firefly. I sold my car in Carvana last night.

Well, that's cool. No, you don't understand. It went perfectly. Real offer, down to the penny. They're picking it up tomorrow. Nothing went wrong. So what's the problem? That is the problem.

Nothing in my life goes to smoothie. I'm waiting for the catch. Maybe there's no catch. That's exactly what a catch would want me to think. Wow, you need to relax. I need to knock on wood. Do we have wood? Is this table wood?

I think it's lamated. Okay, yeah, that's good. That's close enough. Car selling without a catch. So your car today on... Carvana. Pick up fees may apply. The rewatchables is brought to you by the ringer.

podcast network. We're heading toward 250 episodes of the rewatchables. You can find all of them on the Spotify archives. Coming up on this one, we're going to win this podcast, Cal Brandt. You know why? Superior attitude,

superior state of mind. Hard to kill is next. Stephen Segal is Detective Mason Storm. They thought they'd silenced him a Mason Storm. I think you better dial 9-1-1. Hard to kill.

Now the climate is right for revenge. There was the time. Now's the time. Stephen Seagal. Hard to kill. Reddit R. All right. Our friend Kyle Brantam's here.

He's been on some epic, epic rewatchables episodes, including Rocky 4. Passed up on Rocky 3, offered him an invitation. He said, no, not really my movie. When are you doing hard to kill? was an actual text, which reminded me that a year before he'd asked me, when are you doing hard to kill?

Cowbrand, how did this become your movie? What was it? What sucked you in? So many reasons, Bill. First of all, I want to let you know that I broke routine for this episode. I did not rewatch it last night. In fact, I just sat around shirtless all night

with smoking needles in my body. I feel incredible this morning. I feel relaxed and refreshed. I watched it. I did watch it last night, and it blew in my mind like it always does. Fascinating to look back for people like you and me and young people watching this movie.

Like in 2022, Stephen Seagall is like at best, a joke and at worst, reprehensible. But for about five years in the early 90s, on screen, he was fucking awesome. And he looked a little different,

talked a little different, fought a little different. And it was cool to clean up the streets with a ponytail. It just kicked ass. And I've always loved it. Always loved it. I saw this movie in college with my buddy Jacko. And I don't remember if we saw it in the theater or we rented it.

But the blood bank scene became about a year of just weaving it in a dialogue. It was like Jacko's favorite movie moment of all time. Going backwards, though. Yep. So we have this Stallone Schwarzenegger. The action movies just explode in the mid-80s. And then we have this amazing stretch from 88 to 92. And I sketched it out.

I did a little bit when I did the Action Hero Championship belt piece for Grantland, but you look at this run, this five-year run. And we're seeing like right now, the NBA playoffs, they talk about the old days versus the new days, all this stuff. 88 to 92, it'll never be approached. It'll never be topped. I look at all the movies. I just can't believe it.

It's staggering. We have just for those five years, die-hard and die-hard two. Done both here. Terminator 2 and Total Recall. We've done both on this. Lethal weapon 2. We have three von Daum move. Well, we have more than three, but Bloodsport, Kickbox, or Double Impact.

So Von Dam is really taken off. Sure. We have Roadhouse and we have Point Break. We have Tango and Cash and we have lockup. We have Action Jackson. We have Passenger 57. And we have five Segal movies culminating and under siege, which is still really good. Yes.

But as you said, Seagal, it was, they just kind of figured out this was not only the Apex Action movies, but also like we just need to get one star. Don't even, it was the ultimate money ball approach. Like one star and we'll just cheap out on basically every other role in the movie. This one is just perfect. It's perfect. It has the dumbest premise you could possibly have for a movie.

We know where it's going the whole time. Everything ends happily ever after. But the seven-year coma is really what made this so rewatchable. Him in the bed, the hair, the mustache, What else? Why is this work so well? And why didn't anyone realize how funny this was when they were making it? I asked that all the time.

Is it, you know, like, I remember Bill you've talked about before, Top Gun is so big now. In the Top Gun scene where they're shirtless and the towels, like weren't all the actors constantly laughing as they're snapping their teeth at each other? No, they were dead serious. I know, but I'm watching this. And maybe that's the answer that they were dead serious too on the set. How was no one laughing when he's lying there in that, like, wig,

and that goate and like acting his ass off as he comes out of coma. Like he's he's going for it. He's going for like the Daniel Day Lewis Academy Award. Like he wants it so bad. I'm laughing my ass off.

Like when we did Cobra, I remember on this show you were like, I used to think it was an action movie, but it's a comedy. And I watched it hard to kill last night. It's really funny, but I don't think Seagal laughed at anything. I really think it's dead serious.

It is now a comedy. Roadhouse is a combination comedy action movie. This hard to kill is now, it's a comedy. How many arms and legs does he break in this movie? It's over five, right? He breaks the record. Well, it's so glad you brought that up. So at the time, you had your, you had your Van Dam, who's getting big,

Jean-Claude was big, and Seagall was big. And when you watch one of their movies, they each had their signature thing. Like, it was like, when is the Rick Springfield going to play Jesse's girl in the set? And Jean-Claude's going to do the splits. Like, you just know it's coming. He's going to work the splits in, and you go, fuck yeah. Seagal's going to break somebody's arm. And sometimes he does it over the shoulder,

sometimes he does it around the elbow, or sometimes he breaks the leg. And I think it's at least two or three broken arms in this one, but that's what you paid for. Like you and your friends would high five when he broke an arm. That was his signature move. The New York Times, at some point, I think it was 1992. They wrote that Seagal was, quote,

the latest and swabest inheritor of the Charles Bronson, Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee Action Film Mantle. So, you know, Sly and Arnold, they're making these big budget, kind of awesome movies. There's real money. There's real money for the actors.

There's stunts, all that stuff. But the legacy of just, here's one guy for the poster, and he's just going to kick people's asses. This goes back to Clint Eastwood. Bronson. Chuck Norris, obviously. I mean, his movies,

Chuck Norris just could enact at all. I don't even know if we've done a Chuck Norris movie yet. But I was like those two. Seagall, I think, was like a, like, I hate to say this, but like a half decent actor. Like he had, he did have a charisma to him. He talked really low. He almost underacted, I would say.

Sure. But he did have a commanding presence. You meant you did on Instagram, you tweeted out or you Instagramed out the above the law. No ponytail and above the law. That was his first movie, 1988. This one, the ponytail, this was his first ponytail movie. Then the ponytail persisted all the way through the 2010s. as there's like shoe polish going on.

Like he couldn't keep the hairline. Spray paint. Spray paint, but he's like, I'm never losing the ponytail, but the hairline didn't obey. But he's actually like handsome, physical, tall guy. We'll get to his running later. I don't want to spoil that now. But I think if you're going Van Damme, Van Damme,

Chuck Norris, all these dudes, he probably had most going for him other than Swayze, who's almost overqualified for the genre, right? Yeah. And what I respect about Segal back then, dude, he zagged hard. Like, you understand, it was all about who's the most muscular dude, who's got the six-pack, Van Dam's ass always came out, Schwarzenegger's massive, Stallone is ripped. Seagall's body is like a gym teacher at best. He has no muscle. He's got a fucking ponytail. Like, he totally went different. He's not doing as many of the Arnold's like one-liners and here's sub-zero, now playing zero. He had an original. presence, which while it's all gone to shit, like, he's charismatic on screen and as stupid as the ponytail looks. Like, I'm telling you, I'm assuring the listener in 91 is like, ah, ponytail's badass. I like it. It was cool. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. His body was a little like machio and

karate kid three. There was a little extra girth, like from the nipples down to the waist, but it wasn't fat. It was just kind of a weird body, the running, which we'll get to. Yeah. Um, he, almost seemed choreograph. Like for somebody who, and we'll get to, he's a martial arts guy. That's how he got found. He's,

his martial arts are like nearly as good as Van Dam. Yes. Right? If you, if, I feel like Van Damme versus Seagal, but J.B.D. just crushes him.

Well, I think you're tapping into something massive that for years, the internet has debated and fought about exactly what are Segal's qualifications. Like, is he legit? Is he Fugazi?

And like, there was a time, not that long, ago when he was really involved in the UFC. And he literally, like, he walked in Anderson Silva to the ring. Like, Seagall is in his corner, which felt like, you know, like, like Woody Harrelson as Billy Hoyle walking LeBron into the ring. Like, what the fuck are you doing?

And I'm not, I don't mean to name drop here, Bill, but I got to talk to Dana White once when this was happening. And I was like, Dana, what's the deal? Anderson Silva is your best fighter? Why is Seagall walking him into the, does Seagal know what the hell he's doing? And Dana White's like, well, you know, I love his movie. And I was like, yeah, we all love his fucking movies, but I don't know if he's teaching in Anderson Silva anything.

Like he doesn't really punch or kick much like Van Dam does. It looks totally different. So he makes this. What do you got? The first four movies he makes, the titles just kill me. Let's go. I can't keep the title straight. And I've seen all of them probably a combined 100 times.

When I started the file for this movie, I wrote above the law. And I was looking for hard to kill in my Google Docs. And I'm like, oh, wait, I typed in the wrong. He does above the law, hard to kill and Mark for Death in the same year. And then he follows that up with Out for Justice. There's four in a row. They were four separate movies. All of them, he's a cop.

All of them, it's three names. And nobody can tell. Like, he basically just could have done above the law part four. Hard to kill. Out of those four, hard to kill Mark for death above the law and out for justice. What's your favorite for a title? So it's such a great question. Hard to Kill is awesome.

I just like what you're tapping into before answer the question is the key to the Steven Seagall thing is something that I have under what's aged the best. I love movie titles where it's Stephen Seagall is. And then it's like marked for death. Even it'll be like Denzel Washington is out of time. You know, like it's so fun to do that. And they'll have and do it with characters.

So what would yours be like? Jason Ward. Kyle Brand is getting up early. Kyle Brand is waking up at 4 a.m. to talk about how confident he isn't to Otanga Viloa and the Mike McDaniel offense. It's awesome. We're workshopping with it. So no, listen, I have to say, Mark for Death is fucking crazy because this is a sidebar.

I know you're going to love this. There was like a one year period where Hollywood decided our villains are going to be Jamaican voodoo posse gangs. And we're going to do it in Predator 2. And we're going to do it in Mark for Death. And we're just going to go with Jamaicans. Their accents are cool. Their hair is cool.

And we can go with it. So Mark for Death, there's a villain named Screwface who gets his head cut off. But my answer is, I honestly do think that they got it best without for justice that had Forsythe as the villain. Tony Sopranos' dad is William Forsy's dad. There's Gina Gershawn in it. I think Out for Justice is the best. But I think our movie today, Hard to Kill, is the funniest.

And the most rewatchable. Although I do like above the law, I think they probably, I don't know, because that was early Seagall. He doesn't have any of his unintentional comedy stuff really down yet. This is the best. Well, on the film side of that, like, it's, if he's raw then, Andrew Davis directed that movie, who went on to direct the fugitive and direct under siege. Like, that is a real movie that they made. But it was like, we got a taste of Seagal.

Now let's take him and put him in a coma and give him like Kelly LaBron. rock to play with and we'll have a masterpiece. Yeah, when I watch this, I almost texted you, we should probably do above the law and do a combo. Yeah, I hear you. Because above the law kind of walks so hard to kill could run. But then I watched Hard to Kill and I was like, this is amazing. We got to do this one.

We can always go back and do above the law and redo it. So the Seagal story is pretty famous from back then. The newer people probably don't know the younger people. But Michael Ovitz, who's the biggest agent in the world, he's for CA. He's the all-time super agent. Nobody's more powerful than him. and he's got this martial arts instructor, Stephen Seagall, and becomes convinced that this guy could be a movie star.

Now, this ties into Seagall's maybe talent or lack of talent in martial arts is that he's basically just this cool martial arts guy who looks good when he's like doing the deep breathing and stuff and can impress like a super rich agent. It doesn't mean he's great at martial arts, but he's got a charisma to him. And Ovitz is just like there's something here. I think this guy's thing. And he has, again, the most power in Hollywood at that point. So, naming the studio, by the way, that Segal taught at.

Akito Tension Dojo. So Ovitz is going down there, just kind of learning some stuff. So then all of a sudden he talks in the head of Warner Brothers, this guy, Terry Semmel. He has Rogers and Cohn, which is the biggest PR firm. Sure. And they're just ready to go. And there's this 1988, LA Timespiece about him. And the quotes are hilarious.

Like one of the guy, the guy who did an imagine film, so I think did the first one. Sure. As soon as, this is from the LA Times piece, quote, as soon as I saw Stephen, I knew that given the right vehicle, he could become a major star. The closest person I've ever seen that carries himself with the same kind of stature is, Mikhail Baruchikov, when he walks into the room, you can see every head, male and female, turn around as if they're all wondering who this guy is. It's sheer magnetism. And then Terry Semmel, who's the running Warner Brothers, another huge guy. And he's basically like, he's gone far beyond being an action star. When you look at the action stars, it's a very short list, Stallone, Norris, Schwarzenegger,

maybe a couple others. The key question always is, who's that rare young guy coming up who can handle those physical roles? We think Stephen could be it. Stephen seems to exude this enormous sense of focus and intensity. A serious look that when you look at him, you see, danger. Jesus.

It's almost like listening to them talk about, I don't know, Trevor Lawrence going and coming out of the draft. Like, we think Trevor Lawrence can be as big as Mahomes. You know, it's like a draft thing. Generational prospect. Right. Generational prospect was Seagall. That was it.

He could make all the throws and he's got the foot speed. We have to tank this movie season. We have to suck for Seagal so we can get him number one overall like Andrew Luck. Wow. That's awesome. Well, and he basically moved it much like, high NFL pick. He goes to a bunch of bad teams.

He does this four movie deal with Warner Brothers. All the movies have three word names. There's no really other good actors in it except for, as you said, the William Forsythe movie. Yeah. And he's on this rookie deal. They're making money hands over fist on him. And then it all leads to under siege is where he cashes in leading to his passion project. One of the worst movies of all time ever made on Deadly Ground.

where the Sigal's six-year passion project. What was that movie about? Something about Indian reservations, and he kicks ass, and then he talks about how we should save the trees. Something like that. Yeah, it's very early, yeah, like climate type of, I don't know, maybe it's Sagan's ahead of the game.

I don't know. So there's a legendary Hollywood myth or legend fable about Sagall that one day he called the producer to his house, and the producer goes up to house and, you know, he's got all the coy ponds and all that. And he knocks on the door and Segal opens the door and he's wearing a kimono, of course. And he's just sobbing. And he's just sobbing. And the producer says, Stephen, oh, my God, what's wrong?

He's like, I just read the most beautiful script ever written. He goes, oh, my God, really? Really? Who wrote it? And he goes, I did. This is the script he was working on about environmentally conscious skull-cracking tough guys. And that story I will always believe to be true. I've heard it a million times.

I think it's true. Well, that's another piece of the Seagal legend. Really, by all accounts, the biggest asshole, whoever became a famous movie star from probably the last 35 years. We talked about the wheels can come off with some of these guys. We talked about Cobra and Stallone and how Stallone basically became unhinged.

And, you know, just, it happens. Seagall, I think, was always an asshole. and as he became a little more famous, just the stories are legendary. His conduct on the movies was horrible. Like there's all kinds of sexual harassment stuff. You can Google pretty easily. He's the most famous,

disliked Saturn and Live host they've ever had. He's always the go-to example of who is the worst person who's ever hosted the show. It's always Steven Seagall. You can find stuff that somebody just on Twitter had like a minute of highlights of Seagall's SNL thing. It really is like one of the funniest. as guest hosting things. He's terrible. They all hate him. They're standing as far away as possible

from him at the end of the show. But he's just a legendary asshole. And it was one of the reasons, I think, once one of his movies didn't make any money, that was it. Everybody's like, we're done with this guy. They couldn't wait for him to mess up. And if you're listening to this and you're a Seagal fan, you got to do a deep dive on the SNL. He's promoting out for justice. Yeah. The musical guest is Michael Bolton. And check this out. Craig, you could even grab. this. Seagal, when you introduce him, he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Bolton, like it's all wrong. He can't even say the guy's name.

Michael Bolton. He's in a sketch with Farley, like prime Farley. Yeah. Farley's like smoking and all disheveled and just hilarious. And even that sketch just dies because Seagal is just dead on arrival. It's terrible. He's not even reading the Q cards. He, it doesn't seem like he can totally see the Q card. So he's like trying to focus on the cute cards, it's a catastrophe. So everybody hated him. We'll go into some of the stuff when we do half-ass internet research. The funny thing of all of this is he eventually fires Mike Ovitz.

The guy who gives him the break. And he told Ovitz, just according to Ovitz's book, I think I'm as good an actor as Dustin Hoff and Robert De Niro, all those guys. It's an exact quote. Ovitz wrote in his book, Seagal had fallen prey to the entirely human delusion that if you succeed in one arena, you can do anything. And that's this recurring theme of Seagall where he has this quote that you can find it. It's on like movie line or whatever, but somebody ran the excerpts where he's like furious. He's not getting better scripts. Yeah.

And he has this legendary quote where it's like, I saw my left foot. Like why couldn't I have gotten that script? Like Daniel Day Lewis. That's how insane Stephen Seagall was. Wow. It's all bastard. He should have been in my left foot and he would have literally broken his left foot over his shoulder. That would have been his thing. By the way, Sagan and my left foot, just as a separate

movie from my left foot, maybe my right foot, I think could have been amazing. Just his version. Unbelievable. I would see my right foot straight to video sequel with Stephen Sagall. That's good. 11.5 million budget. It made 59 million. Big hit. It was the 22nd biggest movie in 1990. The 23rd biggest movie of 1990 was a also Seagal. That was out for justice. So he was cranking. Unfortunately, he wasn't

cranking for Roger Ebert, who declined to review this movie. He didn't. No, he didn't watch it. He was out. Of course, beneath him. He did like above the law, though. I think he had like two and a half stars for above the law and he was like, Seagal's interesting, all this stuff. But when Hard to Kill came out...

And Roger's out. Pauline K. K.O. was busy that day. There's not a lot of hard-to-kill reviews. but it lives on in our heart. And I can't tell you, before we get to the, we'll take a break into the categories. But I'm going to take you to the bank, the blood bank. I can't tell you how much mileage. Same.

I mean, my friends got out of that. I think it's in the running for a greatest moment in the history of any of these action movies. They zoom in on him. There's three seconds before he says anything. It's almost like an editing error. Yep. And then he delivers it in the most monotone.

It's like, it's honestly life altered. He delivers it and then the, dumb, dumb, da, dum. Like they, with the kettle drums. It's like, Jesus, that the best thing I've ever seen? Is that better than the taking of the beach scene and saving private Ryan? I think it might have been. That was that good.

I want to take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the blood bank. It's so good. I just can't get over it. All right, we're going to take a break and then it's category time. This episode is brought to by Whole Foods Market. Spring is here. so celebrate it with fresh, juicy, seasonal produce

and some very tasty limited time flavors. New Whole Foods, Market Peach, Apricot, Rose, Italian soda. Perfect for a picnic or brunch, as is their trending mango, Yuzu chantilly cake. But if you're on the go, new 365 strawberry pretzels make a great sweet snack. That sounds delicious. Get savings with yellow sale signs storewide

and everyday low prices on 365 brand items. enjoy the fresh flavors of spring, save at Whole Foods Market. All right, most rewatchable scenes. I have seven. You might have more. I really like the opening credits as Segal. Or should I say Mason Storm? As Mason Storm, great name.

Infiltrates the secret doc meeting. I love that there's a secret doc meeting to start this movie. Like, when did people have, when did they stop having secret doc? I felt like after Naked Gun, the first one, Secret doc meetings were done. People were like, they're all on us. Even like naked gun made fun of this. We can't do it anymore.

Yeah, I think they snuck one in, they snuck one in the usual suspects. And it went to terrible. That was 95. And they're like, we can't. But you're right, Nordberg, stepping in a bear trap and falling out of a boat, the dock thing was going downhill from there.

That was 1886. This is four years later. He's filming it. But I don't know what he's doing. And like his headphones don't work. And he's not the cameras. And by the time, have the big reveal of Senator Trent.

They cut to Seagal. His camera's just facing the sidewalk, but then at the end, it perfectly works out. He has it all captured on the video. It's like, it's beyond a nitpick. Has he ever used a camera before? Like, it looks like he's never seen one. And I imagine the camera guy's on set being like,

what the fuck is this guy doing? He's not even pointing it where he's supposed to be. And yet the movie comes out beautifully that he gets, pulling incriminates Trent. It's the equivalent of when you're at, some location like with your wife and you're like let's get a picture and you ask somebody and it's always like the dumbest person who ever lived who's never used to that phone and they're like hold on no no press that button oh hold on i locked your phone can then you have to go over and i did a video

sorry yeah oh no is it pan out and it's seven minutes like he he honestly can't figure it out this was 1990 it's not like it's not like video cameras hadn't been around for a decade he's holding it like lloydobbler holds the jukebox over his head what is he doing with that camera. It's like sideways. It's like, just hold the camera straight and press record. What are you doing? Next scene. The liquor store robbery. It's great. I actually watched it and I just reround and watched it again. It is one of the most ridiculous action movie scenes of this entire era. He goes in. He makes small talk with the

guy beyond the counter. For some reason, they're talking about the Oscars. I have no idea what that has to do with anything. Five guys come in. We only have a couple Latino characters of this movie and each time they're just criminals. We don't have, they don't even this is like height of like super racist action movies. Five guys come in, they have guns. They're not afraid of Seagall who's not afraid

of them. They're not, they never realize he's the threat. They just fucking blow the guy away. After he had this nice repartee with Seagal and then Seagal, of course, was all of them. Yeah. And then it's like I'm going to head back home with my champagne for my wife.

It's like, you didn't have to stick around the crime scene for a flowers? Hold on, guys, I got to go. Can I fill out the report tomorrow for the six dead people? Yeah, it says your storm that you broke his ankle, like you were taking a jar of pickles lit off and you just left. Also, Bill, in that scene, there's, like, just the chef's kiss of it all is in the wide shot.

You can see, like, pads on the floor for them to fall on. Like, it's just all awesome. Oh, I didn't even notice that. Rewatch it again. There's pads all over the floor. I love the witty, the witty repartee with him in the cash. here just kills me. What's the matter?

Don't care about the Oscars? Sigel's got that dumb smirk on his face. Like, I get to use some of my chops here, my comedy chops. Do you got any champagne? Oh, sure. It's right over there next to the caviar. That was funny.

Yeah, great, great. You'll find someone a big cooler back there. So, uh, how come you don't watch any Oscars tonight? The Oscars? Yeah, the Oscars. I hate Diascus. You're not having a good thing? time, huh?

I think that liquor store, listen, there's not a lot of candidates. I have that liquor store in for Dion Waiters. Like, he goes, and he goes, hey, maybe I'll be in a porn.

Oh, gross. What are you talking about? And then it's like, they just kill him. Yeah, execute them. It's an execution and it's, and everything's fine.

And then Seagal gets off an Oscars joke at the end of the scene. I guess I'm going to be late for the Oscars. Blood everywhere. The guy's, the guy's, is like 50 feet away from his body. Oh, that was the last line where he says,

looks like you won the Oscar tonight, Storm. That's one of the other cops. There's six dead bodies. Everybody's talking Oscars. It was huge, I guess. It's big. I have no idea when they did that. Come on. You're fucking dead, man. It's still not fair. That's right. Okay. How about this? I'll get that on my knees. Is this any better?

Come get some. I'm going to get... Looks like you won the Oscar tonight, storm. The next one, this is probably the winner for me. Well, it's one of these two, but... Seagal comes out of a coma. We get to see his eyes roll back in his head. I actually was pretty impressed by some of his coming out of a coma acting.

Sure. And then, how would you describe the hitman? What his look was. He's got the early Fu Manchu. Mm-hmm. You go, it's like, you go Bolo-Tai chic. It's like, we need to take Sully from Commando and

make him even greasier and a bigger douche. And that's how they found him. A lot of Bolo ties on that guy. Yeah. So that guy comes in. Another 80s, early 90s, trope where anyone could just walk into a hospital and pretend they're a doctor. You don't need IDs. Nobody's suspicious.

Just have a stethoscope around your neck. Yeah, they always act like these hospitals. They never know who the doctors are. Meanwhile, they all work together every day. and Sagaa, who's, I think, been awake for what, 25 minutes at this point? Less than a year coma. Yeah. Somehow is able to wheel the stretcher around, pull off a whole elevator thing with rooms,

go to different floors, and then Kelly LeBrock magically shows up, who seems nonplussed about the two dead guys in the hallway that she worked with. Over it. Well, she's got her mind on other things. We got to get into this at some point, Bill. The strangest thing in this most recent rewatch was the Kelly LeBrock character and her sexual attraction to Mesa's store. I was staggered by it, how crazy it was. So you see that differently as an adult.

So, Jesus. I mean, did you, did that hit you the same way it at me? I had it in what's age the best. That Segal, well, no, this is what's age the best for me. That Seagal has such an ego at this point. He's only made one movie. Yeah, yeah. That they're like, what if we have a scene when he's still in the coma and she lifts up the

and basically raves about a huge Mason Storm's caucus. And he's like, put that in. Great idea. Because they just started in there. What is he? Like John Holmes? Stirk Diggler? What's going on?

She lifts up the sheet. It's like he's got an in a condo underneath there. Yeah. And he's been lying there for seven years. And I think you are dead on that Seagal's like, hey, maybe we do one more take. I got a little idea. And have her pull up the blanket and look at Storm's penis and remarking how huge.

I mean, it's so disgusting. And that's also, remember, like, when she shows up, she first says, like, I'm just going to say it. It's really creepy. She's like, hey, would you like a little pussy? It's a pussy cat. And, like, it's so wildly inappropriate. Like, the lifting up the blanket thing isn't just gross.

I think it's actually criminal. And also this was a man who was, like, he was shotguned into a coma and his family killed. Like, what is she doing? They could have gotten seven more dick jokes. It's just so funny that they put that in there, though. It speaks to Seagal, what a lunatic. he was she throws him in a convertible and takes them right to oh hi um you're not an l a guy

no but i lived there for years i know i it's up the 101 oh yeah you're right you did live here yeah it's it's not just up the 101 it's a good hour away from la yeah it's and they try to make it seem like it's a drive up the water and it's like no not really it's it's actually not up the water at all um but she happens to be house sitting in oh high which we'll get to later but yeah so that whole scene. Then we have the Seagal recovery. Let's go. I don't know what else you have in here, but I have, he shaves, he trains. It looks like he does some Tai Chi. He really stares at those news clippings for motivation. Little Rocky three. Sure. In there, does some jogging. And we'll get to Seagal's running in a little bit. He punches a rope stick, just stolen straight from

J-CV-D. Yep. Does some acupuncture. I have some questions about how some of the needles got there. What else did he do? But he regained his strength

in about two minutes. It's just like he, it's everything about it. Bill, I can tell you right now this is going to be my scene. Like I, about once a year,

I'll just pull this up just for fun to put myself in a good mood. It is the prison mic bandana. It's the string tank top with no muscles. It's the Billy Blanks like type.

bow cat punching that he does. And it's the running. And remember this is, this is preface by him selling her. The second they get back to the house, he goes, can you go to the Chinese grocery store? I need some, some herbs, some special herbs.

And so that's what he gets burning in him. And he sits cross-legged and turns into ass-kicking mode. Which he writes in Chinese letters for. Yeah, right. Because don't know. He comes out of the coma. Yeah, he can write in Chinese. He comes out of the coma.

The best part about this is we have Rocky 3 and Rocky 4 before this movie. Rocky 4 is basically, I don't know, 30% of that movie is just a training sequence. And it's Stallone just lifting, you know, four people up in a wheelbarrow. It's him doing upside down sit-ups. And we talked about it when you and I did the Rocky 4 we watched it. It was like, you're kind of in awe of Stallone's training. Looks amazing. And Segal's like, here's what I'm going to do.

Acupuncture? I'm going to have a board. I'm going to cover it with rope and I'm going to just lightly punch it. And then I'm going to have really weird jogging scenes and I'm going to do some breathing and that'll be. And they're like, what?

You sure you don't want to watch the Rocky Ford training scene? Like maybe, no, no, no. This is how we're going to do it. I don't even know how he got back in shape. Oh, yeah. He's back. He's ready. There's a similarity is the climax.

Is there's a mountain climb at the end where instead of, Brogo, he's sitting there looking over the valley and you're like, are they going to drop a fucking eagle sound effect? And sure enough, ah! Like it's a perfect thing as you're sitting there reflecting on how hard he is to kill. I thought he was going to be on the mountain probably having like a sarah. Yeah.

In fact, he's a glass of wine trying to think about what is. A sarah or knowing Seagal playing guitar, playing some stupid ass song on his guitar. It is a ridiculous. I like that it ends and she goes to see O'Malley. to see if she can find him. Then comes back to more training. Yeah. There's some more stuff.

This is a short scene, but it's the, it's the, take that to the bank, the blood bank. Yeah. Right before the shootout. They set it up. He hears it. I don't know. The Senator Trent,

he only has one catchphrase. He says it over and over and over and over again in every press conference in his personal life. Yeah. For some reason, it doesn't click with Segal. For maybe the coma. I don't know. I don't know.

I've never been in a coma like that. I don't know how long, you know, what the after effects are, but then it finally triggers some PTSD, and that's when we get, I'm going to take you to the bank. So we get the big shootout right after that. So that's a nice fun sequence, too,

because we get that whole poor Ohio house getting a shut up by multiple people. Then I have, I guess we can combine these. Seagal, the reuniting with his son, but his buddy O'Malley gets gun down. I would have gone slow motion

for the gun down? Yeah. When he's like, I love you, Sonny, for some reason. He's adopted. Son of a bitch don't deserve to wear a badge.

And he goes to the tire iron. And you can see the squibs. You can see wires coming out of the shirt. You just go through it. It's bad. And then that leads to the pool stick brawl, including Segal killing the number one henchmen and saying,

that's for my wife. Fuck you and die. Yeah. I wonder if they were like, hey, Stephen, you want to try any catchphrase? He says, you know, really weren't for still alone. Sly.

Scal said, no, I'm going to stick with fuck you and die. That's mine. You know, it's like, Stephen, Arnold's gone really big with this. I'll be back thing. What do you want yours to be? It's so funny, Bill. I have this as one of my favorite lines.

My friends and I have said this to each other for years. Like, if you're on 18 and you have a three-foot putt to tap in to win 100 bucks and they're talking shit to you, and you go, that's from my wife. Fuck you and die. We've said that for years. It's so eloquent. It's so creative. It's great.

It's his best acting in the movie. It's from my wife. Fuck you and die. What's age the best? So Mason's dead wife, she's kind of a smoke show. Yeah, she's beautiful. They really, I don't know if he was sending a message to Kelly LeBrock or what's going on. He doesn't say Kelly LeBrock and Scull did not last.

Okay. She says his wife at the time. And what message are you referring to, Bill? Well, that he's going to go at it on the set with the other actors. There were no intimacy coordinators back in the 1990 range. Seagal is really going to town. There's ass grabbing. There's a lot of boob grabbing.

And it kind of becomes a porn for like 20 seconds. And then all of a sudden she gets shot to death. It's very weird. Yeah. Listen, you're dead on. I thought it would. And also like through the lens of like the what you hear about Seagal's reputation, you're like, Jesus, this love scene is really going for it.

Like it's in those. In those movies, it's the usual beats, the kissing, the shadowing, all that stuff. Like, her, there's fully breasts in his face and, like, ass grabbing. And I'm like, was LeBrock on the set that day? Was that hot for him to show that to her? It gets really creepy fast. Like, in Cobra, right? Like, Cobra, Stallone was with Brigitte Nielsen.

He wasn't also doing these other things like with Adrian. Like, that would be weird. It's a lot. With that said, great job by the wife. And then not really seen again. This is kind of the pig far. I forget her name. No, she just gets shot.

gunned in the chest and that's it. Another one's age the best. So Kelly LeBrock, who I think has special stature for kids from the 80s because of weird science. Woman in Red with Gene Wilder. And then kind of married Stephen Seagall and basically retired from acting and then did this one. But the weird science piece of it is just an iconic.

This is, you know, especially when you're a teenager, you feel like there's a world where you might be able to pull off like the hottest possible adult female, even though you don't realize there's zero percent chance. You don't know that when you're 14, 15. So weird science happens. They create her out of a computer and it becomes like they're basically they're, I guess, sex made. Yeah. And this is just the greatest idea ever for a movie for anyone who's like between the age of 13 and 16. So she has real cachet. And then she's just slumming in this movie. This is a terrible movie. And, you know, she's basically doing it because she's married to Seagall. Yeah, it's really rough. I read that she later in life has referred to Hard to

kill as hard to watch. Yeah. I totally get. I don't think she really wants to be there. It's, it's really brutal. It's, she's not good in the movie.

She's, their love scene that they have eventually is one of the worst ones ever put on tape, which is really strange. It looks like two eighth graders making out. They don't know what to do with their hands. It's just awful. So LeBrock is,

this was, this was not exactly Lisa. It doesn't have his license, Lisa. This is tough. And yet it aged the best. Her, what she meant the 80s,

I think has aged really nicely. You're right, though. That's a key point. Seagal's love scene with his first wife who got shot to death, should not have been like 20 times more passionate than the Kelly LeBrockman. That's just weird. Another words, it's the best for me. I always forget when I watch this.

They try to shoot and kill his son. And he figures it out. He solves it. He jumps out the window. And you have kids. Like, little boys are morons until they're like seven. I'm always in awe in movies where they pretend that any, little boy under seven is like,

I figured out the landscape here. I'm going to instantly solve this dilemma and run out the window and escape from my life. I'm just telling you right, my son, who I think is really savvy now at age six, I don't think he would have had to wear it with all. I just don't.

No, I mean, you're still wiping their butts practically at that point. And yet in the movie, there's always some bad guy who's like, he's got to go. The kid's got to go. He's off too much.

The, uh, Morewood's age the best. Producer Craig texted this to us, the coma Segal, having like, I think one of his first dinners and Kelly LeBrock decides maybe chopsticks will be great for this. He can barely like stand or sit at this point. He's like, hey, you want to try to eat this rice with the chopsticks?

I can't have, I can't do chopsticks after three Asahi's. Like he's been in a coma for seven years. And yet they're in this like conveniently decorated East Asian house. There are no forks in the house. Sorry. Right. That's just where you landed. Yeah, I had that for Wood's Age,

either Wood's Age or Worst or Knitpicking was the way that Ohio house was decorated. Unbelievable. All those Ohio houses are just like, we're out in wine country and here's some, you know, here's some photos of grapes and, you know, a wine bottle. And that one is like they were in like Thailand. Yeah. They had a full martial arts dojo inside it with weapons. I mean, that's a great stroke of luck.

Who were they renting the house from? Two more, what stage is the best for me. Bill Sadler plays Senator Trent, who eventually turns up in Shawshank as one of the gang. He's the one who listens to the Hank Williams. I always think him as the Shawshank guy. He might be that guy from Shawshank, but I think he's Bill Sadler,

but I might have seen Shawshank too many times. How do you see him? Well, listen, this is really close to another movie that's been done on the show when he's Colonel Stewart and Die Hard 2. Oh, yeah? That's kind of brushing up against that by maybe a year or so. And to that end, I was disappointed.

There was no Senator Trent naked Tai Chi scene. But it's always happy to see Sadler. Sadler's one of the guys. Like, Josh Shankke's a made guy. Well, maybe he was inspired by the hard to kill Tai Chi acupuncture, whatever was going on. And so I'm taking this the next level. I'm going to go naked and lethal weapon too. All right.

Last one stage the best for me is Seagall running. Okay, let's go. Seagall running. I don't know. Maybe I'm a bad person. I might be. But the things that delight me and make me truly laugh are things like Segal running. And I think Seagal, if there was some sort of scale, I think this would be a 10.0 for me.

Watching him, he runs. I was talking to my wife because I was talking about this movie yesterday. I was like, he runs like when you have a little boy that comes out of the hot tub and takes his bathing suit off and you're trying to get the towel on him. But he's kind of running around with his arms down, just like a spaz. Stand still. Catch him. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's just kind of, his arms are going down and to the side. And that's what he reminds me of, like a two and a half year old kid who's running away from being tiled off. And that's how he runs multiple times in this movie and in other movies too. It's his trademark in a way. And it reminds me of something you've always talked about, Bill, with like, the sports credibility inspector. You know, like someone on set had to be like, hold the phone for a second.

everybody take five. Steven, come on over here with me. Let's work on this a little bit. This is what you're going to do with your hands and your elbows because someone in the tent watching the video has got to be like, Mason Storm looks like a jerk off running like that. We've got to fix this run. We got to get a coach.

And at the time, like, have them sit down and watch tape of Cruz, who I think was doing like Days of Thunder at the time or maybe the firm. This is how you run, Steve. You got to like, we can't put you on like this. Elbows down. Make a fist. elbows churning with your fists and yeah and do it that way buddy your arms are going pointed downwards what are you doing you know what's so funny is all right so bill i always look at this too

as like no one wanted to say anything to seagal like just i'm not going to tell him he runs crazy we can't and then what's amazing is that later in the movie he's sitting down with o'malley and they're talking about sunny and umale he goes hey he's got his old man's speed he runs 1011 flat so like did they put that line in, and be like, no, he knows how he's running. Is that a coincidence that they're talking

about how fast Sagal is? The running is, I just can't, it makes me laugh. I don't, there's, you can go on YouTube. I didn't even realize this.

I went on YouTube and there's just multiple Sagal running compilations, all titled increasingly derisive ways. But I went out because I was like, I got it, I wonder if anybody put this on YouTube. I was going to send it to my wife. And it's like, no,

they put it on YouTube. it's like a whole cottage industry. People cutting Sigal running quips. You sent me one where it said, Run like, she like the wind, running on empty. He's got the music and everything. All right, so here's the true shame about Sagal

and his running and his athleticism is two movies later and out for justice. There is a scene where we almost get a real treat where he takes his kid, this sunny in this movie, and he's like, all right, let's go. We got your ball and your bat and your glove. And he was going to go have a catch with his kid. And I would love to see him just throwing the ball

around like because I think it would be like worse than Tom Cruise in this sense but we just got taken away from us with that that's too bad somebody should have convinced him he could have done it any other any other what's age the best for you no that's good I like I like a crazy sinister things happening while Johnny Carson is talking like the late night show that's always a cool like a little contrast and happy and scary and that goes down in this new category the big Cahuna burger award for best food or drink I voted for Senator Trump having champagne in a hot tub with what seems to be a stripper. I can't think of anything worse than champagne in the hot tub.

Yeah, it's gross. Hot tubs are hot. Nobody's like, oh, this is, I'm in a 110 degree hot tub. You know, it would be fun here. It's some champagne that would make me even more lightheaded. And you also have to hold it awkwardly above the water level. Like, who would do that? What do you have? I got a, there's a great moment when O'Malley and Sagal are like rekindling,

and they got a couple of Miller High Lives. Oh, I saw those. I almost picked those. Yeah, I go the champagne of beers. I wish we had seen Seagal drink beer. I wonder if it would have been better or worse than Vin Diesel. Keena, because Vin Diesel does the... Vin Diesel like flips it all the way up.

Like he's trying to empty it. All right, the Den of Thieves Benihana Award for scene stealing location. Yeah. I really love the liquor store. I love the 1990 liquor store. all the choices that were made in there and just the little eight-inch TV. I just enjoyed being in there. What'd you have?

The whole scene's great. I think it's a little odd and nitpicky that you can buy a stuffed animal to liquor store, but I'll leave that alone. I just went back to the Ohio House. The Ohio House that's completely decked out like the last samurai with swords and numchucks and everything for some reason. Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, you're right. It's got a little dojo. The Butch's Girlfriend Award for a weak link of the film. I don't know. I wouldn't change anything with this film. I guess you could go into the whole O'Malley's in hiding and we have to spend two scenes with his mom and some weird location. I guess, but for the most part, I'm pretty happy with where we landed with just about everybody. Do you have anything?

Well, here's the thing, Bill. It's this movie is 95 minutes. There's not a lot of fat on it. It's real fast. So I don't have much, really. What's age the worst? I also had Keller LeBrock in here because she's pretty terrible in this movie. I'll do respect to her, and she's done a great job.

But man, this is a mailing for the most part. Or she's just having a good time hanging out with her husband, but there's not a lot of thought put into the part, I would say. No, that's terrible. Segal's comb a hair slash beard combo. His age is the worst, even though it's also aged the best because it's spectacular. But it really looks like the guy they hired to do all the facial hair for him, like called in sick two hours before and they just kind of had to figure it out.

There's one shot of on the side And you can kind of see the mustache Start to come up on the side A little bit It's really cheap looking Like it looks like a Halloween costume That's a good theory that hey guys Murray called in six

Somebody went down to Spencer Gifts And see if you can get a beard or anything Remember that thing Bill you used to do With the wallie Willie with that little pen Where you would take the shavings And make the guy beard with a magnet It looks like that And it's just again

Did no one say Guys this is a major studio movie but we can't put our movie star on the screen. Like, no, they just went with it. Yeah, let's spend like a thousand bucks for one day, whatever. Vernon Trent's take that to the bank gimmick. That can't, look, solid catchphrase. It can't be your only thing.

I need more. I know you're a politician and you're searching on catchphrases, but you could take that to the bank. Can't be how you close basically every sentence you say in a conversation. I would have to add it back a little bit. Yeah, I'm finding myself wondering how Senator Trent take that to the bank slogan would play on social media these days and like what Twitter would do to that. Like it would be fucking ugly. Wouldn't be great.

The lack of an intimacy coordinator I had is what stage is the worst because who knows if that that's just a weird scene. I'm just going to get this over in 20 seconds. This is from Mel Magazine, a recent piece. Over the year, Segal has been accused of rape, sexual assault, and sexual trafficking. There are multiple stories of him groping women during auditions. Jenny McCarthy, Portia Dorasi, Ray Don Chong, Eva Leroux, Julian Marguerleys are among the many actresses who have accused him of sexual misconduct.

He's also referred to female reporters as cock suckers and a bunch of fucking dirty horse. Four of Seagall's female assistants working with him on Out for Justice quit in 1991, all citing sexual harassment. We can keep going on this for hours, but if you do the Google on the Stephen Seagall, like the stuff,

It's brutal. It's really bad. And, you know, we've done rewatchable movies before where it didn't turn out great for one of the people. But I was kind of shocked. I got to say I didn't know some of it. Did you know how bad it was? You know, I think a lot of it was, I think people just thought he was an asshole. And then it gets into like the actual real shady stuff. And like, Bill, that's to say nothing of his relationship with Vladimir Putin, which is like also a thing. And it's like there's all sorts of loaded stuff with him. And he's been reviled. for decades, which is why, you know, we said at the top, like, back in the 90s, he was awesome, but Jesus, like, he's pretty much a reprehensible figure now in 2022. And there's a lot of stuff he would lie about this happen, and then it would just be easily refuted by some magazine reporter, and he's talking out of his ass both ways. Really, one of the least likable Hollywood stars we've had, let's go to the Anchorman flute P-break Award.

Okay. I would recommend right as he's about to hook up with Kelly LeBrock when she's dressed up. all the way through when he goes to visit his wife's grave. Great time to maybe go get a soda, maybe make some popcorn. He can kind of hop out of there for about six minutes, I would say. Yeah, I just have some thoughts on that love scene. And it's also what's aged the worst. I really think doubling back that Kelly LeBrock's character is one of the worst

female characters ever put on film. And that includes porn. So she's introduced by pulling up and looking at his Johnson and saying, oh, please get better. She's made fun of, she's made fun of by other people she worked with about how much she's in love with the coma guy, who she doesn't call John Doe.

She calls JD. She's nicknamed him. JD. And then when he comes to, he's like, they're going to kill us. I'm telling you. And she's like,

oh, you're so cute. She's out of her mind. And then in the love scene, like, when this happens, Seagal's in the gym, and he's just getting a workout. He's like, he's just getting some reps in. He's just getting a sweat.

He's not interested. She walks in and a dress with a fucking flower. as she walks in to seduce him, there are literally pictures of his shotguned wife and kid over there. As she goes for it. And like the reason I don't think there's that much chemistry is like, I don't really think Seagall's that into it. And I mean Mason Storm.

Like he's honestly, I'll do it for you. You've helped me out. But like, I'm thinking about my wife. It's an awful, awful scene. It's a great point. We should have brought that up in what stage is the worst. The rapid recovery from the coma. And also knowing that your wife was brutally machine guns.

to death right in front of you who you know they set up that he really loved then he moves on from her in what five days shaves he never says what happened to my son he doesn't have any idea what happens he never he's well i think he assumes the son was killed right i guess but like it was in another room and everything he just i would want to clarify for sure it's a big hole next category was this was there a better title for this movie i mean the obvious answer is no fucking way but It was filmed with the title seven-year storm. Yeah. And that was the name of the movie.

It was when the trade magazines were writing about it. They called it Seven Years Storm. And then Warner Brothers changed it to Hard to Kill because they wanted to be more of a more action film. Yeah. Kind of like Seven-year-Storm. It is cool because it's seven years. Seven-year storm is, I don't know, man.

But you can't do Stephen Seagall is seven years. You have to go hard to kill. Hard to Kill is very literal. It's right on the nose. Or could it be, could it be Stephen Seagall is riding a seven-year storm? I like it better. I like it better already. I like Hard to Kill.

Best quote is obviously the blood bank. I mean, that's maybe the best quote ever in a movie. It's also prefaced, Bill, by something where he's having that real actory moment where he's walking around and he's thinking and, wow, these pieces died again. And like, it's Segal just chewing up scenery and like really acting. And so it leads up to that moment. Can I just share with you a quick theory on the blood bank moment? I have a theory and I have for years that it's actually a Segal adlin.

And that the line originally was, I'm going to take you to the bank, Senator Trent. Dun, dun, da, da, da, da, and Seagal wanted one more take. He said, I got a thought. Yeah. Blood bank. And the director was like, holy shit, Steve. That was amazing. You just made it.

That's it. We're moving on. I feel like it was his idea, and I'm going to give him that credit. The director was like, Steve, that was amazing. And Seagall was like, I know. Steve, who wrote that line? I did. Me.

A book about medals award for belatedly best quote. I didn't realize this. I somehow never caught it. But when he comes home after the six people are murdered in the liquor store or whatever happens, he's got the champagne. And his wife says, there's blood on your shirt. And he says, it's not my. blood. It just keep going.

It's not my blood. Oh, okay. What kind of shape did you bring? I'm positive my wife would the next question would be, well, whose blood was it? Just seems like a, I don't know, follow-up question you might have in that situation. No. They've been married for several years at least.

They got a kid who's growing up. Like, I can't imagine it's that hot between them. I'm just going to speak autobiographically. Like, it's nothing like they're on their honeymoon. I'm trying to put myself, if I came home, even if I was a cop and I were my wife and got the champagne and the stuffed animal and like I just said it's not my blood and then she just went right through that stop sign like that is that is some kind of fiend she's not like

change her clothes or shower or anything just not right through it I mean obviously he's hung like a bear she could just couldn't get enough of it please get that huge huge crank the stephen a smith hottest take award is coming right after this break all right the stevenate smith hottest take award what's your hottest take about this movie call Brent my take about this movie is the entire movie premise and story was completely stolen by Quentin Tarantino for Kill Bill. Same deal. Oh, wow. Bill, let me lay this out. You got someone who was betrayed and killed and left for dead in a coma. While that person is in a coma, people have sex with her. It is right in line.

The person comes to, I think Vincent Vega's bolot tie is taken from the hitman. I think Vincent Vegas ponytail on the date with Mia Waller. is a pitch perfect Mason Storm ponytail. I think Tarantino stood on the shoulders of Seagall for the Kill Bill one. This movie, here's the title. It's not hard to kill it. It's a Kill Vern, Volume 1 about Vernon Trent. That's it.

I think he took it. That's just a great take. I'm really jealous of it. I'm going to take business, Bill. I thought I was going to win this hottest take battle, but now I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I can pull it up. I'm going to try. Steven Seagal was the Billy Corrigan of action movies.

Okay. I like this. Incredible five years, kind of really influential, important, pushed the genre to new heights, was toe to toe with everybody from that era, but was so loathsome and annoying and frustrating to be around and so disliked by so many people that now he's just become a punchline and it's retroactively tainted a really good block of movies there. He made five, oh, if you count under siege too, which I really like,

He made six really good action movies all in a row. And I think people would have him in the rankings below Van Dam. They would have them, I mean, obviously way below Stallone and Schwarzenegger, but he's at least, I felt like he was toe to toe with all those guys in a real way. And now nobody wants to admit it because he's annoying. It goes like this. Despite all his rage, Stephen Seagall is a rat in a cage. And he lost his hair like Corrigan.

It even has under siege one and two is like his melancholy. call in the Infinite Heart of Sadness, whatever that album's called, where it's the double album, the two sequels. And the Infinite Sadness, yeah. Yeah. That's the double album. Yeah. Wait, so, Bill, you, you, we're bearing the lead here. You like Underseed's 2 dark territory. You're into that? I like both. Yeah, I like both. Yeah, you know what's weird. I've never seen it. I never watched the second one. I watched a lot. Coral and I used to talk about this all the time, because we loved Underseege. And Underseed was never on, but Underseech 2 was on all the time. So it was almost like they've forced us to like Undersege 2 just by it was on.

but I have one more hot as take that wasn't mine. What do you got? I told my wife I was doing this movie, and she admitted to me that in the early 90s, she had a huge crush on Steven Seagal. Oh, awesome. She thought she was hot. She liked how we talked low,

and it was her favorite action star. And I honestly didn't know how to reconcile it. I didn't want to tell her about, you know, what was going under the sheets with Mason Storm. But, yeah, it took me it back. I don't know if that made me like my wife, more or less, that she had a crush on Stephen Seagal,

or maybe it's another sign we're meant to be together. Yeah, Bill, for all your, your charm and talent, you have nothing like you're not like a Stevenson call guy at all. Yeah, I know. I know. It really threw me it back. She's like, I was like this ponytail. I'm like, all right, enough.

Casting what ifs, didn't really have any. Not a ton of research on this movie. You mentioned how Kelly LeBrock did the movie as a favor for her husband and called it after, hard to watch or hard to believe. So the Ruffalo, Hannah Rubenek Partridge overacting award, which I think should go to O'Malley for his death scene. But I want to raise this one. I don't know if this would work every time, but I do feel like the Stevens Segal

underacting award could be a conditional category. Sir. When he scales it down so low, it's almost you have to turn up the TV. He strips away all sort of nuance. And it's almost like Seagal is the opposite of the Ruffalo Hannah Rubeneck. partridge. I like this. And I know the exact moment where he takes it the lowest. He just found out that his son is alive. This is a life-eat couldn't be less excited. And you know what he says to him out? He goes, I have no words. Like, that's your line? That's all you say. It's so bad.

I have no words. Oh my God. You're right. That's it. I don't know how to thank you. I have no words. Best That Guy award. We have vetoed Bill Sather. Dean Norris is also vetoed. But He was in that guy forever until Breaking Bad, and then he became Dean Norris. But early Dean Norris. Yeah. Dean Norris was the same age here for about 25 years. I don't really understand it. 1989, D. Norris, and then 2013, D. Norris, there's no difference in them.

It's like J. Adonda is like this, too. J. Adonda has looked the same now for 25 years. I don't understand it. I think you're just on to another category, Bill. The J.A. Adonda Award for this person has been the same age. my whole life. Morgan Freeman wants in. Michael Cain has been 72 for my entire life. I get it.

Jayadande was on PTI with Kornazer last week and we're the same age and I was like, what the fuck? It looks like he's 30. I don't get it. But the winner for the best that guy awards. You know him. He's one of the bad guys. Go on. You've seen him in other movies.

You know him from forgetting Sarah Marshall. He's the bartender. His name is Branscombe, Richmond. But he's one of those guys. He is just a classic. I know that guy. He's a big tall guy. Kind of a friendly face that can go sinister right away.

And he usually has a mullet in these late 90s ones. Or early 90s. I always like this guy. So kudos. It is the textbook definition of that. You see him and they go, oh, that guy's in this movie. You literally say the words of that guy when you see him.

And you never know his name. But I think he's been in like a hundred things. He's also, you know, I didn't look at his IMDB. But like you wouldn't have been shocked to see him in like one of those, those soft core like cinemax not in a scene but as like the bad guy and right after the sex scene

yeah like he's just done a lot of stuff it works next category is the Teddy KGB Award for the actor doing his own thing I almost feel like this should go to Seagall right? I thought about it too and all roads lead to Seagal in this one because everyone else is just kind of straight

yeah but also like like why why penalize Seagal for being a complete lunatic, this entire movie. Dion Waiter's Award. You mentioned the liquor store person. Yeah. The hospital hit man. And then I'm throwing in Johnny Carson, who just got in

like two minutes of Johnny Carson kind of near the end, but he has this key scene. And back in the air when Johnny Carson was on, as people were hooking up, left and right around the country. It's probably the liquor store guy, though, right? He got about five lines, and he's

magnetic. And he's all is underplaying the hell out of it. And he's, starts doing, I got the action comedy, like you should be in a porno, and it's a gross line, but the guy owns it, and then he gets blown away for no reason. I mean, who needs the goddamn movies anyway?

I got a show in here every single night. Yeah? And you got horror, sex, freaks, violence, and I don't get to pay no four bucks either. Well, maybe you should film it, you could get your own show, you know? Oh, I'll be great in a porno.

Recasting couch. I'm going to do two versions. to do who they should have had back then, but then also, if we're making hard to kill now, who do you want? So I'll ask you that first. 2002, they're remaking hard to kill. Who's your guy? Who's my lead? Who's your lead?

I think it has to be somebody with some unintentional comedy, which is why I'm leaning toward like former athlete or maybe current athlete. I'm just immediately thinking of stock things, you know, Channing Tatum or somebody like that because he does the unintentional comedy. Those are the good versions. Yeah, that's like the Mark Wahlberg. You go down that whole rabbit hole. Give me the hilarious, don't know what they're doing,

ex-athlet version. So my dream would be Tom Brady. As Mason Storm. As Mason Storm. Tom Brady, because I just feel like anything's possible, he's in the Tyson zone now, I'll believe any Tom Brady's story. Is he in the Tyson Zone? I think he is.

Yeah. I think he is. Tom Brady's like he's now making an action movie. It's like he is. is, he's going to remake Hard to Kill. He is? Like, I wouldn't be 100% stunned, right? He's going to do it in TB12 productions.

Yeah, like, Giselle shot a video of him in his underwear, and he's like, TB brand. And you're like, damn, Tom Brady really used to do nothing. That's too good. Right. It's like, Giselle's going to play his wife. One of his sons will play the son. And it's like, wait, is this serious? But I would still believe it the whole way.

But my 1990 recasting couch, I'll do respect to the guy I played O'Malley. I wouldn't say he's exactly, uh, De Niro. What about John Ashton? He's sitting right there. He's on a heater. Beverly Hills Cop 2. Midnight run. Kind of looks like a cop. Could have a little fun with Seagal, a couple jokes. I just give me John Ashton. That would have been my case. Ashton works for sure. I'm just surprised. I'm sure you got to have some. I'm sure that the Kelly LeBrock recasting conversation needs to be had. I mean, because she's rough. And I, my thought went to that right away is that in above the law,

Seagal's wife is played by a young Sharon Stone who is sitting right there. Yeah, bring her back. And she in the same year, I think, was doing total recall. Yeah. God, she'd be, I'd love somebody other than LeBrock. Yeah, that's a good call. I was thinking, it's right in like, maybe like an Annabelle. Nah, Annabelle Schura, maybe too young at that point.

To me more? Could we go big budget? No. To famous? Big budget. Too famous in 1990. You know, I think Ghost is coming. I don't think she could do it.

I would love to see someone who never made it, who give a shot, maybe give that thing some balls, you know, like Kelly Kapowski or just somebody, you know, like somebody other than his wife who, I feel like she was mailing in that whole performance. I would have said like 1995 Tiffany Amberthes in, but I think she's too young in 1990. But yeah, you're right.

Somebody who needed maybe Heather Locklear, Heather Thomas, one of the heathers, any Heather? Heather Graham, too young, Locklear, maybe probably too big. Yeah. There was one that I loved Bill that we finished for Senator Trent, as much as I love Sadler. How about Paul Gleason as Senator Trent? Oh, wow. Breakfast Club, diehard.

I think he's a total dick and he's beloved in the 80s. Like, as much as I love Sadler and there's a diehard connection with Gleason, I go Gleason. I go Gleason as Senator Trent. And you can say that to the bank, Andrew Clark. Expect a little more from Marcy Letterman. You can take that to the bank. That's good. I like that.

Have fast internet research. Seagal did not to get along with the director, Bruce Malmath. Right. Considered to be a very poor director. It said in a 1990 interview, I think it's a miracle that this guy can put one foot in front of the other. He complained about being left out of the editing process, didn't love the action scenes. Isn't it ironic that Seagall would say can't put one foot in the other and he runs like that? Literally can't run.

They can't run. You won't be surprised to learn Warner Brothers heavily re-edited this movie because they wanted it to be 95 minutes. so they could have more theatrical screenings. We lost an original opening scene with Storm and his wife and his son. Maybe. Could have used that one. Probably. The amusement park could have seen Storm giving his son a cotton candy.

I would love that. We missed Transman, interrogate, and kill the nurse friend of Kelly LeBrock. We missed a longer kidnapping scene with Storm's son. We missed an O'Malley funeral scene. That got cut. That was supposed to be the ending. They just decided, fuck it. We're ending this now.

It's like a polished funeral. And then there's an alternate ending where Storm kills Trent and says, take that to the bank. And apparently in the theatrical trailer, one of them, you can see him say the line. But they decided to use another one where he does a die. Do you like that he lets him go? He gets arrested. No, I think that should blow his head off. I do too.

I'm like, come on, Mace, kill him. I compiled some Steven Seagov facts for you. Nobody got. I never say never again. He was teaching Sean Connery martial arts and accidentally broke Sean Conner's wrist. He owns a very large correction of guitars and samurai swords. He would only appear in under siege two if Warner Brothers allowed him to direct on deadly ground. Oh my God.

And he did? It was a quid pro quo situation. He married his second wife, Adrian, before his divorce from his first wife, Miyako, and then had the marriage annulled because he started dating Kelly LeBrock, who had become pregnant with his couple's first child. So I think he had technically three wives going at once there for about a year. Yeah, sure. I know you know this. He had a pretty terrible reputation, not just for all the horrible Stephen Segal stuff, but for not pulling his punches during fight scenes and for deliberately hitting stuntmen, multiple stuntmen have publicly criticized and refused to work with him from that era. Yeah, you watch the Seagal punch. And sometimes when he punches him, like, shit, that looked really real. I think he was because it was. He just punched him in the face. Like, that's what he would do. Like, Steve doesn't work that way, dude. But that's what people say he did.

Yeah, when he's throwing somebody into like a grill, he's really throwing them into the grill. He doesn't care. He's apparently famous for spending only three hours a day in the set. Actors William Forsyte and John Leguizamo claimed that he physically assaulted them on the set of their movies. You mentioned the Putin thing. He said, basically it seemed like he worked for the CIA. I don't know whether he chose to, but he was an advisor when he was living in Asia to CIA. people. And then apparently Henry

Silva broke his nose while filming above the law, which I didn't realize. And after that, Segal demanded to take over the thing. So those are my Segal facts. Apex Mountain. Okay. What do you have for Segal? I don't think this is it. I think this is the Apex Mountain of unintentional comedy Segal, but not

for Seagal. I would say under siege is his Apex Mountain, right? Well, yeah. I mean, within a couple of years of him cutting off Screwface's head and Mark for Death, he is having a knife fight with Academy Award winner Tommy Lee Jones. on a battleship. Like, I think it is under siege.

And you said it yourself. He said, hey, I want to do this on deadly ground. And you got to let me direct under siege, too. That's power. That's apex. That's the depth of shape. By the end. Under siege was a real hit.

Yeah. Kelly LeBrock, no. Acupuncture, Apex Mountain. Oh, yeah. How you think it is, right? Bill, I went and got acupuncture like two years ago. It's amazing. I've never seen anybody do it.

And I go, I literally said, do you put the smoke in? ones on and there's like, what do you mean? I'm like, don't they have a little smoke at the end of them. They're like, no, we don't do that. I thought that's what acupuncture was. It's not. They just put the needles in. So yeah, it is. I did it in 2004 and it fixed my back. Really? Yeah, it actually worked. I haven't done it since, but I didn't want to get the back surgery and I was trying everything and it was the last thing I tried and it actually worked. Holy shit. So there you go. How about murder attempts in an empty hospital, Apex Mountain? Would you go this or Cobra? All right. So it's a great one. I will go with with Cobra because I like the night stalker and I like the knife. But I also had Apex Mountain for shitty hitmen. And I think I would answer my own.

Oh, maybe this is the whole era of shitty hitmen. All right. There's a lot of shitty hitmen. I don't know if there's one worse than Frederick Sykes and the fugitive, who while he does kill Helen Kimball, he does have. one fucking arm. And if I had the resources of Devlin McGregor and I was hiring someone to go kill someone, I would want someone with two arms with all due respect. So, I think I'll answer my own question to say Apex is fugitive, but this is close.

Then your hospital question plays right into that. Yeah, hitman who it takes him 10 minutes to kill Cela Ward, who's just like married to a doctor. They're brawling all over the place. It's like the money in the bank main event and he's supposed to be a professional

hitman. It's a good point. And he kills her by throwing like some sort of marble ball at her or something like instead of just a gun and he he leaves her to make that it's and then kimballa fights him afterwards so sykes i think is the apex of those guys how about oh i think so yeah i mean shit anybody else done there i they even do a close-up of the sign on the freeway i don't know any other movies in oh high but it's something you pass when you drive up the one-on-one and now i'm going to look at that house is that house on air bn bans and oh high because i like want to have my brother's bachelor party there which i should have researched this before the uh thing I had Kimmel got married in Ohio.

It was the only time I'd ever been there. It's great up there. It's a kind of place where if there was a big shootout, it could probably happen and nobody would know. It's pretty spread out. That's all I have for Apex Mountain unless you want to say 1990 was the Apex Mountain for action movies. Well, God damn, you gave the rundown of those movies in four years.

It's right in the middle of it, right? That five-year run and it's like dead center and, you know, all the everybody's got movies in 1990s. Stallone has one. Schwarzenegger has one. and Segal has two. Van Dam has one. Die Hard 2 comes out in 1990 on and on. You could say 1990 might have been the peak.

It was the kind of thing where you were just like, which action movie is coming out this weekend? There's one every weekend. When can we get back? Why can't we go back? We can't. What are we doing? We're doing John Wick and we're doing your fucking Fast and Furious movies,

but we don't really have it anymore. I wish we could. I wish we could, man. It was awesome. Can't you do a movie about a guy who does a 6 a.m. morning football show and on his way home from work, all of a sudden he's framed for murder and he's running for his life and he's got eight hours to clear his name.

Like how hard is it to either, I need to clear my name, all of this stuff happens in one day I'm running for my life. Somebody killed my whole family. I'm out for revenge. I showed up at this new place and I need to, you know, I need a fresh start and I don't want to get sucked back in my old life, but oh no, it looks like I am.

or this is our one last job. Like there's eight ideas. Just keep making them. How fucking hard is this? Revenge movies. It's simple. It's great. It's beautiful.

This happened. I'm mad. I know. I don't understand why. That's like, you know, fantasy will tell you a million reasons why about budget and industry and all that. And he understands that stuff better than I do.

I'm just like, you know, God damn it. Like, I'd like to go on Friday next to see somebody kick some ass and pay 12 bucks to get in. I just can't really anymore. I have you from my couch. Well,

part of it is I think we just, I think we'll look back at this era of all the stars we had. And it just was an anomaly. We still don't have stars like this anymore. We don't have seven guys who could be the head of an awesome action movie. And who are the guys now? I would have said no way on Keanu and Keanu was able to do it. But who are the guys like, are you going to see Chris Evans and hard to kill?

Like there needs to be an unintentional comedy piece to it that I just don't think the current guys have. Well, they've tried 50 times with the rock, man. And it doesn't do it for me. As cool as he is and as charismatic, like he makes movies that are instantly disposable. They don't, he doesn't make Terminator 2. You know, he just doesn't have it in him to make those or that's not what the industry wants. They have. I mean, he's got the look and everything.

It just doesn't work for me. So a spinoff of Apex Mountain is, was this their Hall of Fame plaque movie? Would this be the hat they wore as they had in the Hall of Fame? It's either this or Underseed, because this is the funniest he's ever been in a movie, but Underseizier was the most successful. So I don't know. I still feel like it's probably under siege. It's a good debate because I feel like under siege just for the masses, I feel like if you're a true

Seagull head, him taking a cue ball in a napkin and beating up people with it in a bar and out for justice. Anybody's seen Richie? Anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lupo? Like that's my hall of fame Seagull right there. I would go out for justice. But if there's a bust, like in the NFL, and you can put the fake beard and hair on them like in this one, then it has to go under a hard to kill. And maybe it's two plaques. Maybe it's the coming out of of a coma, cigar, then maybe it's

a underscule. He would want to go in the Hall of Fame as on deadly ground like Wade Boggs going in as a fucking devil ray. I directed that one.

It was a great script. Best resource name from the movie. I mean, it's probably Mason Storm, right? That's a great resource name. Yeah,

unless you did, you know, and blood bank down the stretch, here they come. Blood Bank would work too. But Mason Storm is badass.

Storm works too. If you were at the Kentucky Derby in one of the 12 horses was named Mason Storm, I know what you do next. You're putting money on Mason Storm. You just are. I put money on Storm and then I go down and take a picture of his huge horse penis. How could you tell his dick from the horses? I couldn't. The horses is a smaller one. That's how you tell. Pickin'its. We mentioned the Mason's filming is hilarious. Why do all the cops and bad guys, guys talk with accents in this movie? It seems like it's set in L.A. It is. And yet all the

accents are like Chicago and Pittsburgh. Yeah. They have a rust belt thing and they're in like Bel Air and Beverly Hills. I don't know. I don't get it. How did he put the acupuncture needles in his way, way back? Because there's some stuff that's like midway down

his back. So is there like an acupuncture, like chop that used the chopsticks to put it in? Like, how does he get him in there? It's possible. Yeah. Or Kelly LeBrock did it willingly. But that's what a picking knits is all about is why did he get the back one in?

I never thought about that. Kelly LeBock's like, I'll put the needles in if you let me look at your crank again. Because I really miss her in her coma. And I just was 24-7. I could go check that thing out. So terrible. My God. What was she doing to him while he was out for those seven years?

My God. Maybe that's why the eagle made the noise on the mountain because it was going to swoop in. I thought it was food. I thought it was a snake on the mountain. Holy shit, there's a Brazilian Anaconda on this mountain. Look at my luck. Wow, I'm going to eat for weeks. The car trade is super suspicious.

See, pulls up in this Jeep that's filled with bullets. There's another car on the highway with the trunk up, and it's just a immediately range of deal. No money's exchange. Just car for car. Let's go. How hot is it? Real hot.

Sounds good, man. Like, that was your auto. Trader.com moment of Steven Seagal. Great. Great. All right. Here's my last question. This is, this is kind of a general coma question. He's in the coma for seven years, obviously. I don't know enough about comas to know how long it would take to retrain your muscles. Yeah. Just feels like it would be longer than 25 minutes.

Do you pee and poop in a coma? How does that work? Yeah, definitely. So you have bodily all that. Yeah. So when he's in the bed and he wakes up, he should be hooked up to like a catheter and like something up his ass, right? Yeah, definitely the catheter.

And then the ass, I'm not sure. Maybe like some sort of bag or something. Or like a colostomy bag? Yeah. Like you're unconscious. You just don't wake up. But you're breathing, you're eating. I think, all that stuff.

I just feel like he'd have more equipment on him and attached to him. And, you know, he 100% would have a catheter. Yeah. Which makes it even weirder that she's like, oh, I'm going to lift the sheet up. Got to look at that giant catheter penis again. Right. It's disgusting.

Oh, my God. It's so weird. But just the coma, the way comas are treated in movies, it's almost like somebody just took the longest nap ever. There's a Netflix movie that Rebel Wilson's in where she's in a coma for 20 years and she just wakes up in the bed. There's nothing attached to her. I don't know.

Maybe they think we won't ask. Any other nitpicks for you? Yeah, just a little one. And I don't want to go full Rosillo with this. But to your point about the strength, he has enough strength to like push his chair out and close the elevator and do all these things. And then in the montage,

he's bench pressing a 45 pound bar for reps. It's a laughable miscalculation of what weight he should do. Like I'm sitting there and I'm like the bar storm. And how did his ego not take over and maybe put a 45 pound plate on there? Like, it's just, it's way below the strength thing. And again, we just keep coming back to the recovery from the coma, which is messed up. Next category is sequel, prequel, prestige TV, all black cast are untouchable. I think this is untouchable.

You can give me the prequel, though. You could talk me into a prequel, but I guess the prequel is probably above the law. And the sequel is the next to new movies he made. The sequel is Marks for Death. We already have all of them. Yeah, so it's untouchable. Would this movie be better with Wayne Jenkins, Danny Treo, Catherine Hans, Steve Buscemi, Sam Jackson, J.T. Walsh, or Philip Baker Hall.

It's clearly Treo would be just throw him in as one of Senator Trent's bad guys. And I feel like we're good to roll. Trejo would be great as one of the bad guys. But I'm going to go, you know, I'm a huge Philip Baker Hall guy. And I would love Philip Baker Hall in the role of O'Malley. Oh, wow. I want him as O'Malley, but Bill, I want him to do O'Malley as Floyd Gondoli and just say, Look, here's a deal, Sonny.

Your dad is alive, and I like butter in my ass and lollipops in my mouth. And if that makes me a pervert, that's fine. Your dad's alive. That's what I want. The future's coming. That's good. I'll go with that too. Just one Oscar, who gets it?

Nobody in this movie, I would give it to whoever made the best cigar running montage on YouTube should get the Oscar, believe. All the Oscars. Cudos to all of those people. Probably in answer to questions. Why not a sequel to this movie? Harder to Kill is just sitting there. Harder to kill. Followed by the re-sequent.

Well, Hardest to kill. Yes. Hard to kill, harder to kill. Hardest to kill. It's perfect. We got the trilogy basically. It's just sitting there. Remember when Ice Cube made like next Friday

and then Friday after next? And then eventually you just make like impossible to kill. And it's over. It's a great idea. The Ohio House. Has anyone ever done a worst house sitting job? that LeBrock in the Ohio house. They're throwing her a solid, right?

Hey, come stay at this awesome house. It's outdoors. We have a martial arts dojo. There's wine with horses. You can play with the animals. You can get out of the city. It's like, that's great. Then they come home.

There's 12 dead guys. Everything's shut up, but all the horses are gone. It's like, sorry. Hey, we had some problems. Yeah, it's ironic because like in LeBrock and weird science, they mess up the whole house. She has to use her weird science magic to fix it and to get the nuclear missile out of the house. So that's what they need at the end too.

But the downside of that house that didn't get for her is it's like a two-hour one-way drive from her job at the hospital molesting vegetables. So that's really tough for her. So she has a lot of stress. Best double-featured choice for this movie. I mean, it's clearly above the law, right? And then you go above the law right into Hard to Kill. But you could also go hard to kill right in and out for justice or marked for death. I would personally recommend a double-double feature.

I would just run back all four. Well, I maybe misunderstood the rules of this. I thought it was going to be like West 1990 double feature. And so I would do natural choices, hard to kill, and three men and a little lady. No, I would go, I would go Lionheart, which was Van Dam's 1990. And you just get the two of them together and see which one you like more a lionheart or hard to kill. That's my time. By the way, there's no right instruction for this category.

you chose to go era-specific, which I really liked. Yeah, I would go above the law and Heart to Kill. And then setting up the next double feature of Mark for Death and Out for Justice. I'm glad we didn't get to do this category in the first two times of new categories. But now we get to do it. The Andy and Red Zawatne Award for what the hell happened the next day. So, hey, Sonny, meet your new stepmom. And also here's your weird dad.

I haven't seen you at seven years. Should we go to a ball game? What happens the next day? Well, we got to go to Amali's funeral first. And then I was thinking, I don't know, you want to have a catch? Like, what happens? Does he move, does Sunny move in with them? What goes on?

It's a great question. Like, they're a family now, Bill. Like, we got to make this work. And it's kind of like we said at the end of the Commando rewatchables, you got Arnold and Ray Don Chong and you got to Lissa Milano. What do they do next? It's the same deal. So it's like, do we get.

sunny some school supplies and like get him in his new bedroom like we're we're going to start a sitcom now called weather the storm and it's going to be like we're going to have at a vc i like it's going to go yeah it's going to be great tgif none of these movies ever have the kid go you're not my mother no they love it they love they love it's like i'm so happy i have a step parent in real life that is no goes what piece of memorabilia would you want from this movie i mean so many choices what do you got the senator trend painting is pretty amazing that he has in his house at the end. It's like a...

It's like a digital multicolor, not digital. Yeah. But with like a watercolor, I don't know what's going on, but it's this giant painting, which brings me back to my rule. Anytime somebody has a giant painting of themselves, like, watch out. Just in general.

Like, if you're getting courted to leave good morning football and you go to some executive's house, like come, we'll have dinner at my house and you go, you walk in and in the living room is a giant painting of them. You're out. sign with that person. Yeah. Yeah. I remember there was a rumor once that Alex Rodriguez had a painting of him with his head on a centaur's body. And you're like, yeah, that sounds about like A-Rod. That's good.

Right. Right. So I would go painting. What would you go with? I would go with, in the final scene, I would take the toilet lid that Mason Storm has written on and says anticipation of death is worse than death itself. And then I would install that in my own toilet in my master bathroom. She I think it's hilarious that they actually asked us to believe the storm wrote that with lipstick on the toilet. Great touch. Yeah, he took the extra 90 seconds. Yes, perfect penmanship.

I forgot in that answerable questions. He rams a rifle into Senator Trent's mouth. Yeah. Honestly, a little disturbing. Yeah, he knocked some of his teeth out. It would have knocked some of his teeth out, right? Wouldn't it have knocked all of his teeth out? I think there's one shot of Sadler yelling at the end

where he's kind of wearing some sort of broken tooth prosthetic, I think, but it's really quick. And it is a really brutal thing to do. It was the same guy made the broken teeth prosthetic who made Mason Storm's fake beard and whatever the hell I'll see it. All right, two more, the Coach Finstock Award for Best Life Lessons.

I have to. Anticipation of death is worse than death itself. The best. Learn how to heal people to be great. To hurt people is easy. That's right. I actually thought that was a pretty good lesson. Yeah.

did too. I think I had first to learn how to heal people, hurt people as easy too. There's always that moment, Van Dam did a lot too, where they refer to their sensei and the teaching that they taught them. And it gives them a little bit of a soul amongst all the ass kicking. So I think that one too, unless you would go with superior attitude, superior state of mind. We're outgunned and under man, but you know something? We're going to win. And I'll tell you why. Superior attitude, superior state of mind. Stephen Seagall, uh, former film, star and of the three-word title. And Bill, I feel like I won being part of this discussion. It's fucking great. You know, people ask me sometimes, do you and Kyle hang out outside the

rewatchables? And I say, no, we don't. But what happens right here is special, Kyle Brand. It's fucking special. I love, I love breaking these action movies down with you. Hey, Bill, look, you're not my best friend. I'm not your best friend, but we can work together. You know what I'm saying? I just want you to know that. So funny. Now you have to go back to your life ranking the top seven AFC tight ends for two months. What are you doing for content now? Good morning football.

This is like the absolute death valley of NFL coverage right now. But the question remains, which Stranger Things character would Baker Mayfield be? Peter, what do you think? Let's do a segment. In a way, that's the most fun times to have a show, right? Because we literally have nothing. Stupidest stuff. And like we'll start doing things.

like kind of you and I just did where I'll start making an inside joke to Peter where he knows what I'm talking about and he starts shaking his head on camera because like who cares? They really want to hear me talk for the 300th time about can we trust Daniel Jones? Like no one does. So we just make shit happen. Yeah. Now it's like, but wait, can we trust Daniel Jones? Then a week later.

Hold on a second. Can we trust him? Yeah, I think I just want more content about how Mack Jones is an incredible shape and has made leaps and bounds and everybody is just an awe of how great he's been in these viny camps. Aren't you excited? That's what I'm there for. He's done the whole bingo board. The center square is best shape of his life.

The other ones he's checked are spent the offseason in the gym, put on 10 pounds of muscle, has completely reshaped his body. Mack Jones apparently is like a statue now. It looks great. So much easier when I have a full grasp of the playbook. Teammates love him. Change my diet. You know, I'm going plant base now, like everything.

More of a leader this year. That's another one. Yeah, you're right. There's like a whole bingo board. Yeah, right. All right, Kyle Brand, great to see you as always. You're the best, Bill. Thanks, man.

This podcast was produced by Craig Horlebeck and Jesse Lopez, and we will see you next week on the rewatchings.